The Cast off Quintet
The seduction is mesmerising and as part of its allure we of course tell you why we chose you with a thousand different sensual sentences. Some may seem over-the-top; others make sense to you but either way you are giving the basis of understanding why we have been drawn to you. We do not tell you the real reasons why we chose you but we do provide you with some.
The devaluation is tortuous, horrific and unpleasant. You are unable to ascertain why we have suddenly knocked you from your pedestal. It is bewildering and confusing and only serves to add to your pain. You may have some reasons hurled at you but they will not make any sense to you and this is by design, to keep you confused and where we want you. Reasons are given, they just do not make sense.
Then comes the discard and more often than not you are left sprawled in the dust, exhausted, bereft and shattered with no explanation given as to why you have been thrown to one side as we stroll off into the sunset walking away nonchalantly. Why has it ended so suddenly? What did you do wrong? Why have we not told you why this has happened? The pain of being rejected is magnified by the failure to provide you with any explanation. Naturally, this refusal to explain is part of our design. We feel no need to explain because we can do as we want. We feel no need to give reasons because in our eyes you deserve no reasons because you have failed us. We offer no information for you to consider and process because certainly amongst the lesser of our kind they do not know themselves why is has ended, but it had to. This is the way it has to be. There are however reasons why you are discarded. These are those reasons.
- You Have Wised Up
You have worked out, usually as a consequence of some external assistance that we must provoke you and make you react in an emotional fashion. You may not entirely understand why this dynamic occurs, you may not realise why it is so important to us, but you know that we want to make you react and you have stopped doing so. You have learned to respond in a neutral fashion and thus deprive us of our fuel. We apply our machinations in a harsher fashion, increasing the pressure to cause you to react as we feed on our secondary sources in the meanwhile but your resistance is substantial. You have not walked away, perhaps you are unable for financial reasons, children or the inconvenience of seeking a new home, but you have turned off the tap and we realise that it is not going to be turned back on anytime soon. We do not want to be in this weakened state and we do not wish to apply the energy we need to finding or embedding a new primary source to be used up on trying to squeeze fuel from you. Thus you are dropped.
- The New Source Is in Place
We began our devaluation of you as we sought a replacement for you. This explains the repeated affairs and now we have settled on your replacement as a primary source of fuel. He or she has been seduced and embedded into our supply chain. We are confident that they are functioning well, pouring forth delicious positive fuel in significant quantities and in a reliable manner, far better than you ever did. We have been fuelled by your negative fuel but there is no longer any need to keep you in play now that we have our new bright and shiny plaything. On to the scrap heap you go. We will come back later for a hoover of course, but for now it is adios.
- You’re Broken
Although it may seem during devaluation that we are trying to destroy you, that is actually not the case. Yes, we are driving you downwards through our repeated application of horrible manipulations but we do not want to finish you off. Just like somebody’s head we are holding under water, we will let you surface spluttering and gasping for air, by way of a respite period before plunging you into the icy water once again and holding you under. In and out, up and down, push and pull. We will have you bouncing along the bottom but not destroyed. Sometimes we go too far and the avalanche of abuse takes its toll on you resulting in you becoming broken. You are left numb, barely functioning or even hospitalised as a consequence of a break down. You provide us with no reaction any longer. Unlike the first instance above, this is not by choice, but as a consequence of our behaviour breaking you. Knowing now that you will not provide us with any fuel, we show our callous nature by taking no interest in your broken state but instead we shift our focus to embedding the new prospect that we have been cultivating and drop you.
- Major Exposure
You may have us worked out but your shock and horror at this, along with your desire to actually try to help and change us, means you continue you to spill out fuel towards us. You have the knowledge but you are not using it effectively, so we see no reason to go elsewhere. You may be trying to tell other people about our terrible behaviours but we have got in first, launched the smear campaign and maintained the façade. It is business as usual. Occasionally however you might just outflank us and manager to tell other people what we are like before we can do anything about it. These people see some incontrovertible evidence that you have obtained (admittedly usually obtain when dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind) and take your side. News spreads and those people we thought we could rely on either turn their backs on us or worse take your side. The façade is crumbling. The fuel has stopped and the energy required to change people’s minds (with no guarantee of success) is too great. We have been exposed in a major fashion. Rather than face the music and allow ourselves to be destroyed we drop you like a stone, saddle up and ride out of town in order to find a new place which hasn’t heard about who we are.
- Wounding with Intent
You’ve brought your A game on this occasion. Not only do you know what we are, the revelations that you have been provided with have caused you to now understand how you can hurt us. You know to turn off the tap but you know how to obtain the ultimate revenge against us and your emotion-free criticisms are launched at us. These criticisms wound us repeatedly, burning and hurting us and with no way of getting fuel from you, we are being beaten. You have been well schooled by somebody and applying those learned lessons you are starting to attack the very pillars of our existence. We are under a serious attack and fighting back is not an option. We need to flee and quickly. We don’t want you any longer, we know we cannot succeed at this moment in time and therefore we need to beat a retreat and promptly. You don’t want to let us off the hook because you want answers and you want to punish us for what we have done to you. You are not going to end our connection. We are not going to hang around however and we will discard you as we beat that retreat so we can recover, replenish and then look to strike back at a later date when your guard may be down.
39 thoughts on “The Cast off Quintet”
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HG. At the final split between the narc and myself, I was the one that called it all off in the end. Knowlege of narcissism was zero at the time, let alone knowing terms for the things you do. I believe now he had started to disgard me. (I worked for a year to try to make it his idea!). However, I escaped him before the disgard was complete. So, would the injury to him still have had an impact since he’d made up his mind I was no longer of use? I stopped providing fuel (for that same year) without even knowing what I was doing in narc terms. Thanks heaps.
Yes the wound would still have happened because you made the move, without his say so or sanction and this challenged his control and superiority.
So, is it wrong of me to say “oh yeah,…oh yeah” (fist pumps in air!)
Thanks HG.
HG….
Random Question…
Do you think that people who attract narcs are always destined to be like a magnet to them?? Or do you think people can truly begin to change and spot red flags and stop these people entering their lives etc???
Thanks again for your time… forgot to finish email but will…. been unwell… very. Lol.
Cheers again!! Hope your well!!
You are always destined to attract our kind because of your innate traits and characteristics. However, you can spot our kind coming, recognise the red flags and take evasive action.
Thanks HG. I have a better understanding of my situation now. Did you relate to my story? Your Aunt? Would you be willing to share some experiences you have had with borderline women? What do you look like?
I will be writing about my experiences with borderline women in due course.
What do I look like? Ruggedly handsome.
You look like the Marlboro Man? That type of handsome? Clint Eastwood? >
I don’t smoke. I am not a cowboy either.
I am referring to the rugged look and good you are not a smoker nor a cowboy. >
I know.
This will be very interesting im sure!! Lol. Please do let me know when you write this!!!
Btw… recieved 3 more of your books today in post lol!! Was very excited when I opened them…. I have 5 now so getting there!!!
Its great to be able to read your books as actual books lol!!
Cheers HG!!!
You are welcome.
Three or four years from this month I found myself sprawled out on the floor of my bedroom with a bottle of Xanax, Wellbutrin,and trazadone threatening to take my own life if N1 left. The only reason he stayed is because of my security system he didn’t have the code so it would set the alarm if he left and security cameras would show him leaving. I met this predator and the one of my lowest points in my life mainly due to the stress from work. He watch me daily as I left my house for morning runs. He would make sure he was there at my exact time. I was using the runs/ walks to help relieve stress from my high stress job. I had just terminated 10 staff with no assistance from HR and some I considered friends, closed on a new home in a new community. I allowed thus predator in my house and we traded stories he told me he was left in the hospital by his mom when he was born. I discussed my parents divorce and assaults mentally, physically, and sexually. He made me feel so comfortable with sharing besides he mother was a drug addiction and his grandparents raised him. The following statement by HG, is right and exact in my case. My goal is to stop the obsession to revenge against the lesser, it’s a lot easier to injure him with my recently acquired skills. I dealt with 2 mid range since that one and feel the need to beat them at their game. While I am finally in a healthy relationship that’s being threatened because my new obsession to avenge with my new found power. I’ve questioned if I have become one of them but now I realize now way.
I felt every bit of the following:
Then comes the discard and more often than not you are left sprawled in the dust, exhausted, bereft and shattered with no explanation given as to why you have been thrown to one side as we stroll off into the sunset walking away nonchalantly. Why has it ended so suddenly? What did you do wrong? Why have we not told you why this has happened? The pain of being rejected is magnified by the failure to provide you with any explanation. Naturally, this refusal to explain is part of our design. We feel no need to explain because we can do as we want. We feel no need to give reasons because in our eyes you deserve no reasons because you have failed us. We offer no information for you to consider and process because certainly amongst the lesser of our kind they do not know themselves why is has ended, but it had to. This is the way it has to be.
What I don’t understand is, how can you know that you are hurting people and are fully aware that it is wrong and shameful, yet you do it? Why is that? Surely you want to be known as a nice person rather than being thought of as evil? Do you think think is a personality disorder or is there an evil spirit inside you, guiding you and feeling proud to be evil?
Hello Normal, this often perplexes people. Why do people take drugs when they know they are bad for them? Why do people work long hours? Over-eat? Engage in extra-marital affairs? Steal? Drink? It is because of a need that those acts take care of. I need to do as i do because I need fuel. I have no interest in being known as a nice person, I want to be admired. Is there an evil spirit inside of me? I understand how some may well think that there is because the actions of my kind and me appear to defy logic, but they do not. They adhere to a very clear form of logic. Our logic.
This is exactly what has happened to me – I don’t understand how you guys are so similar. Couple of questions to you HG: I have all the evidence (emails, whatsapp messages, audio recordings etc.) needed to prove what she is. Would it help to threaten to reveal all to her parents and people around us what exactly has happened? Will she back down and stop fighting with me as I truly want to go on with my life without her? How significant is the risk she will do physical harm to herself or our child (school age) once she understands there is no way to keep the facade on and she will lose anyway even though she may win in court?
No, do not threaten it. This will give her time to smear you first. If you wish to use this information approach them first. I also recommend you read Smeared as this will be exactly what you need to assist you in your situation.
As for the risk, I do not know enough about your situation to comment on that Bandit, but if you regard it as a potential risk you should inform the relevant authorities.
From what I have gathered from reading your blog and numerous other information sources, the best way to deal with a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder is to run, hide and utilize no contact. Is this considered the best method of survival? How does a narssisst feel when his main supplier moves away without his knowlegde-she actually lied to him twice so he wouldn’t know she was leaving- and then utilized the no contact method? Has this ever happened to you, and if it did, how would it make you feel?
Hello Angelina,
Yes, No Contact is the most effective response.
If you want to know how the implementation of No Contact makes us feel, I suggest you read my book of the same name and also the three articles How No Contact Feels – Parts One to Three.
Yes people have tried to go no contact with me. How did it make me feel? See the third of the articles mentioned.
Morning HG 🙂
Are you having a nice weekend?
I could really use some advice please ..
A friend of mine left an abusive relationship just over a year ago . And yes it is a friend & not me .. No wayyyyy.
Fast forward to three months ago & she meets a very good looking guy in a local bar, well known in the city as a ” pick up joint”
Anyway he gave her his phone number , she messaged back a few days later & before you know it he’s in her bed, the
BEST Sex she’s ever had she’s told me.
Second night he stayed & he woke her up by elbowing her in the back & said he couldn’t sleep because of her F”””g snoring which he underplayed the next day by saying it was just a nudge.
He’s already told her he loves her & asked her to move in with him though says it will have to be somewhere close to where his mum lives because she has sciatica, yet she has no carer while he’s out working .
The guys a fitness fanatic & a body builder & my friend is a very large lady, so he’s encouraged her to buy an exercise bike & routinely puts her through a grueling routine while he sits & eats the food she’s paid for & prepared ( never contributes to anything btw )
He’s told her if she drops 2 dress sizes by x date he’ll buy her a new dress.
He’s always texting in front of her, his phone never leaves his side & he sleeps with it under his pillow . When she asks who’s he’s texting its always and ” old ” ex who’s now ” just a friend & needs advice, tells her not to worry about it , but at the same time he’s telling her how ” lucky” she is to have him.
There was an argument about it last week, she refused to speak to him for three days which was followed by a huge bouquet of flowers , nice of him she said because he never ever takes her out but still finds time to go out with his mates & spend time in the company of his ex gfs & fills her in about which ones he’s seen when he gets back .
I’m seeing massive Red Flags here already, but would really value your opinion please.
Thanks as always . !
NNS x
P.s Allegedly his Step dad abused him & he can go for hours after she’s messaged him without replying yet he always managed at the start of the relationship .
Hello NNS, I declare your post Red Flag City. it is littered with them. It would be easier to point out the non-red flag material than the others. You should ensure your friend reads Red Flag and that she has nothing more to do with this man. That is HG’s diktat.
Thanks HG .
You taught me well. x
You are welcome NSS, I am pleased you think so.
I wish there was a way the kids could act so their mom wouldn’t make them come every other weekend or want them as a chess piece to her game anymore. She has always picked them up and filled them full of promises just to drop them again and shatter their hopes. They are becoming numb to it finally and absolutely hate going there but it being court ordered since she decided she wanted everything in writing to have a legal piece of control and power, we have no choice but make them go. She doesn’t do anything fun with them at the house because they just sit there and she ignores them, She just uses them for public events to portray mom of the year and snap a couple pictures for facebook moments and adoration, you would think by social media she was just wonderful and God sent but we know her as jezebel.
“you’re broken” – this I cannot stomach. How can you write that stuff? I mean how can you even do it?
Of your knowledge and understanding and commitment to success in life, you’re ok with that image?
Surely you just need to stay indoors and never go out?
Ooh I wound him with intent. But I also confuse him by purposely giving him some fuel now and then, enough to keep his hoovers coming, enough to keep him under the cold icy water bobbing back up again thinking this time he may be able to suck me back in. He is clueless that it will never work. That my game is now better than his and that my strength is real and genuine built on solid ground. His is only built on sand. With constant advice from the true master 😉
I so admire your style. Where you comfortably sit is what I want to achieve. I think I may be better at slightly wounding after I respond to him with my “super tanker” fuel, but I’m still fine-tuning. Kudos to you!!
Thanks Clarece, you will get there. It was never something I planned. I just focussed on my recovery and survival. As I grew stronger and stronger, 85 just kind of happened really. The odd little thing here and there. Once you understand them, they’re just so easy to manipulate. I think I’ve become a bit addicted to it. It’s all good fun though.
Do you have much contact with yours ?
We had our longest period of silence late spring / early summer for about 8 weeks. He reached out around the 4th of July which was the one year mark of a major stunt he pulled that led to me finding HG. Since then he averages abt 2-3 weeks and I hear from him.
In your case, the fact you feel so much more in control of the interactions and confusing him, it just seems befitting to sing, “Circle of Life” from The Lion King.
Are you nC with him ? Or do you respond when he gets in touch? How does that make you feel, are you waiting for him each time ? When I originally went NC I couldn’t bear the wait that’s why I had to cut him off. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest now, I know this is what he does and that it is nothing to do with me. That said, I don’t give him the opportunity to ‘not reply’. Any interaction I have with him is carefully thought out on my part, although it’s becoming more instinctive now.
The circle of life – I like that Clarece. It can be my theme tune 🙂
Since April, I’ve gotten much better at being no contact unless he reaches out. I try to believe each time it goes silent after an exchange it’s done and that I won’t hear from him again. HG keeps telling me he’ll be back and he usually is. I did cave though on Oct 8th. One of those stupid FB memory pics was posted by a mutual friend that had us on the day we met at a function with both of us tagged. So I acknowledged that to him. Then he pulled a stunt a week later asking to see me and then backing out of that within the same day. I could sense the ruse but it seemed so odd to go through such an exercise in futility. I realized he’s trying to stir up a fight. I’m guessing he needs a dose of that negative fuel to counter whatever positive fuel he’s getting elsewhere. Hence that chemical addiction theory that I strongly believe. I read a study done on Misogynists from May 2015, that whenever they hurt someone close to them, seratonin is released and subconsciously it makes them feel good. I’m refraining from letting communication escalate to that even though I could easily go off on him again. I’m conserving my energy. Kind of like you distributing rations of fuel that keep yours resurfacing but then turning off the tap when it could get really good for him. The tables have turned for you and in Narc World that’s how the Circle of Life should go. lol
Clarece, it sounds like you’re making progress and doing things in your own way. HG is right though he will always keep coming back for more. I literally don’t think I could be doing what I do and playing with him like I do if I had any feelings left at all for him. It really is the lack of feeling and knowing what he is that allows me the strength to play this game. And I gained that from reading, reading everything I possibly could. I completely understand how hard this is for you though and you’re really onto something with the chemical effect on the brain.
💣Him after I confronted him on his bragging about dating 6 women.
Wow well that was the old me and to be honest it took a stroke to make me realize that I was wrong for doing those things! Everything you said is totally true and I wasn’t trying to be offensive to anyone but you live & learn from your mistakes and now I have knowledge now I am a better man and I apologized to every lady i detail with. I did that to be honest so I could move on with my life I had to be complete of shame!!!! Now I have wisdom and I’ve learned from my mistakes!!!!! Sorry if I hurted you by telling you my past!!!!! Enjoy your day!!!!
💔💕Golden Period (sorta) at the end.
Beautiful that’s what you are to me! Good Morning my beautiful Penelope! Thank you for the pictures and the true heart felt text…. I value our Friendship and everything conversate about. Whether it’s the good or bad. I’ve said it plenty of times I’m here and I’m not going anywhere! I would love to have Mark to know me as a friend to his beautiful wife. But truthfully I don’t think he would be to pleased with our friendship because of my look! He probably want you to have a ugly guy to be your BFF LOL😂
Just keeping it real. Alright love have a blessed day and know that I love you and I care for you in a very seductive passionate romantic hot steaming way!☄🌡⚘💝😙
👓ME
He’s not home neither have he called me.
💣💣HIM
HE’S CHEATING WITH OUT A DOUBT! NO QUESTIONS ABOUT IT. HE’S ON THE DEFENSE BECAUSE HE’S THE ONE OUT THERE.
Alright love I got go to bed I have to be into work at 3am. I’ll text you when I’m up. Don’t stress just do you like he do you. Good Night and I love you Grace!!!!
💗💨💨HIM
Hey baby Well how did I do. Your baby got it done. It was a challenge. But that’s what’s family for and siblings! Alright babe,
I truly do care for you and love you dearly. It’s been really nice getting to know you. I can’t wait to see what the future holds!
And also I’m excited to see you and finally have you in my arms. And treat you like a real man should do.100% of RESPECT! Alright love I’m jumping into the shower! Miss ya!😚
A week later her sends me a pic of him and a woman hanging. 😊😊
H.G. not sure if you will share it’s pretty long. But thanks to you I was able to identify this month’s ago. My last two were lessers and one was between midrange and lesser. This one right here is definitely a mud range I received at least 10 selfies per day. As I type he’s sending pics. I am actually deriving fuel from them now, please advise if this could turn from fun and games to potential harm. It’s like I read a cookbook and now have all the ingredients. The varying degrees of each narc that you provide information on is priceless. These are just 3 of hundreds of text messages. He’s also going from different media circuit promoting a product. The last one were exploiting at risk youth not criminally but to obtain attention/fuel.
This is starting to make so much sense, HG! It reads like my life story, now I see why my narc is moving out of town, rather than apologizing to me, my family, friends and countless others who were unlucky enough to be standing innocently in his path. Moving to a new place with new fuel and a total reinvention of himself makes so much more sense to him.
Yep. Thats what the ex did, twice. Unfortunately he came back. Unfortunately I went back (to him, one last time). This time however, he hasnt left town. His bro told me to!! Hell no!! HELL NO!! Im facing my punishment now, but will do my best to remove him from my life. Perhaps, I wont be able to completely, but Im gunna give it my best shot!
That’s all we can do, Lisa. Keep trying….If I can just keep from being totally sucked in by the Hoover, I consider it a pretty good day. Since reading H G’s books and being on this blog, at least I have a good healthy dose of skepticism. And that has been my salvation.
The narc had my replacement back in February this much I am 100% sure of. I was excellent fuel; I had money, status and I loved his kids and worked to prop him up so he could walk and chew gum at the same time. He knew her from high school and had been talking to her on Facebook. I never realized how much he used Facebook to hunt his prey! He grew up with wealth but had since squandered it. He was pretty full up after a year and a half with me and thought he’d trade for someone who didn’t know how bad his drinking problem was/is. She came from the same family background to the stage was set. He got her to pay for tickets to concerts all over the country and stay with her because there was no way he could pay for all that he splashed all over Facebook!! He made sure he got to go to all the concerts he wanted and by the end of Summer his 6 months was over and it played out like a textbook. I knew he would succeed in beguiling her and I knew in the end he would implode. I got to a point were I felt so bad for her and I knew … I knew she had to be a very lovely person for
Him to have picked her. At no other time in my life could I have watched this and not been jealous but I wasn’t. I know she is on the same floor as I spent months laying on. I wish k could reach out to her and tell her none of this was her fault!