What’s It All For?
The sudden silences. The periods of no communication when before the airwaves crackled with the send and return exchange of text messages. The repeated calls throughout the day to talk of something and to talk of nothing, now gone and empty. The absence of a morning greeting. The absence of any greeting. Just absence. Cold and unremitting silences which stretch from hours, to days, to weeks. What was once there has been banished. What’s it all for? Perhaps he just wants some time alone?
The inability to ever say sorry. The frustrating failure to ever issue an apology, it is as if those words cannot be formed or do they manifest but something causes them to freeze so they never find the light of day? The denial of fault, the deflection of blame, the resolute and forthright rejection of any accountability. All you want is to hear her say it the once, to say sorry, to hear that admission and sense some humanity exists there after all. What’s it all for? Perhaps she believes that I will think less of her if she apologises to me?
The never-ending carousel of blame and accusation. The merry-go-round of that dizzying discussion which never reaches fruition. The whirling array of “I never said that”, “you do the same”, “you can’t keep accusing me” and so much more leaves you disorientated and nauseous. Just once, just one time, can’t something be resolved without this round-the-houses farce? Must it always be this way? Why is nothing ever put to bed? Why is everything buried alive? What’s it all for? Maybe he just doesn’t understand me, perhaps I need to be clearer about what I mean?
The broken engagements. The no-shows. The promises to meet and then the failure to appear leaving you upset, annoyed and miserable. He promised. He promised that this would not happen again. The frequent ringing and all you receive is the notification that the cellphone you are calling is not available right now. Where is he? Has he forgotten? He cannot have done, you spoke to him only four hours ago to remind him of the arrangements, especially after what happened last time. You miss him and you were so looking forward to spending the night together after a period of not being able to do so. Surely he should have remembered? The chasing messages “Where are you?”, “Are you near?”, “I have been waiting twenty minutes, where are you?”, “What’s happening, I am worried”. What’s it all for? Perhaps he has had to work late, or he is stuck on the subway or he has run out of charge for his ‘phone?
The repeated alterations to arrangements. The tears, the shouting, the disappointments, the rolling out of false explanations to try to ease their upset. Yes, he did say he would take you out today, he must be caught up with something else, why don’t we do something instead? How can he let the children down like this? The turning up without agreement and demanding to see the children. Forcing you into a corner in order to placate him so the children are not scared. You back off again and again. Always you making the compromises. Always you trying to explain away the increasingly unexplainable. The arguments about the arrangements, the lies about what was arranged, the confusion over details. What’s it all for? Is he going mad? Maybe you are?
The insults and slurs, the nasty words, the harsh put-downs and the savage comments. The vicious text message tirades sent at 3am, the blistering verbal attack down the telephone, the dressing-down in person just before a night out. The personal cutting remarks, the swear-words, the name-calling and the labelling. So hurtful, so demeaning, so upsetting. What’s it all for? Perhaps he just doesn’t love you anymore?
The chopping and changing. Last week’s steak had to be well done and now it has to be bloody. How were you expected to know, but you were? The eruption and the tantrum which followed demonstrated that you were the one to blame. Red is good, now it is bad. No soda with the vodka, but now he is banging doors and shouting because there is no soda. Sit there, no there, be quiet, say something, leave me alone, you never speak to me much these days, do it like that, no don’t do it like that, who taught you to do this it is brilliant, who taught you to do that you are an amateur, back and forth, push and pull, right then wrong. What’s it all for? Perhaps he just cannot remember or just wants to keep changing for the sake of it? Perhaps the pressure of work is really getting to him these days?
The argument over nothing. The argument out of nowhere. The argument when everything was going well. Why is she angry all of the time? Nothing is ever right but rather than discuss it in a civil manner and be reasonable with one another, there always has to be a fight. She could start an argument in an empty room. She seems to thrive on creating a scene. So many days, so many occasions, so many events all spoiled by the epic tantrum which she throws. What’s it all for? Perhaps she has anger management issues?
The sudden bouquet of flowers. The expensive perfume. The sudden trip away to somewhere exotic and exciting. The sensitive poem carefully written in copper plate and placed under your pillow. The sudden proclamations of love. The dizzying romance. The grand gestures. What’s it all for? He must really, really love me.
The accusations, the challenges, the pointed finger and the sneer. The demands for the truth when you are telling the truth. The inquisition and the interrogations over anything and nothing. The way you answered the phone, the way you wear your dress, the friends you said you were visiting, the time you came home. Always the questions, the allegations of lying, cheating and skullduggery. Every time this happens when you want to do something and he never seems to realise he does all of these things himself. What’s it all for? Perhaps he is just possessive because he cares so much?
The lies. The tales. The fabrications. Every day a new boast which is so outrageous that she must surely know she is telling a porky pie. The flagrant omissions of the truth. The repeated protestations that this is the truth even when you know she is lying again. The lies when the truth would serve her better. The inability to know she is lying. The fact she really does seem to believe her lies are her truth. What’s it all for? Perhaps she is just a born liar and a fantasist?
The disappearances whenever you need help. The excuses that he has something else more important when you require support. The sudden coldness when you call and explain how you have been bullied at work again. The distant look and the eye-rolling as you try to explain why you are crying. The sudden lack of availability when you need a hand. The fact you must fend for yourself even though you are too weak to stand and feel dizzy. The shirking of responsibility, the rejection of assistance and the distancing when you are injured. What’s it all for? Perhaps he just cannot stand the sight of blood or does not know what to do when somebody is ill?
The flirting, the staying out late, the drunkenness, the drugs, the gambling, the smell of perfume on his clothes, the receipts from lap-dancing bars, the hours and hours and hours spent watching porn online, the obsession with his video games, the sudden and mysterious trips away. What’s it all for? Perhaps he has an addictive personality?
The tears, the pleading, the begging, the demand for one more chance, the assurances that it will never happen again, the promises to get help, the panic in his eyes and the wailing from his mouth. The neediness, the repeated requests to make things right, the long involved explanations, the repetition of how we should be together and how good we are for one another, the promises, the future, oh the promises of what the future can hold for us both. What’s it all for? Perhaps he is broken and you should not walk away from someone in such need?
Maybe he struggles to express himself?
Maybe he just has never had anybody stand up to him?
Maybe she has problems with trusting people?
Maybe he is just disorganised?
Maybe he struggles with being a single parent?
Maybe he cannot help how he feels?
Maybe he is indecisive?
Maybe he feels unappreciated?
Maybe he really does love you?
Maybe that’s his way of loving you?
Maybe she is just different?
Maybe he doesn’t love you anymore?
Maybe he can’t help but feel jealous because he really does love you?
Maybe she tells lies to make herself feel better?
Maybe he struggles with responsibility?
Maybe she is tired?
Maybe he is lost?
Maybe she is over-worked?
Maybe he is stressed?
Maybe you don’t know what you are entangled with?
Maybe you make too many excuses for them?
What’s it all for?
Fuel.
77 thoughts on “What’s It All For?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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How many women here are here because they are secretly attracted to this Tudor fellow?
If they are secretly attracted they won’t know and therefore will be unable to answer, Suzanne!
Lol HG. For some reason this brought up one of those cheesy scenes in LMN where the one friend says to another, “You are SO crushin’ on him.” The friend replies, “Don’t be ridiculous.” She has this grin on her face. The only one unaware of the secret is the guy. Now I need to channel a scene from Halloween to remove that cheese from my mind.
This is so helpful today.
Thank you HG.
Pleasure.
And one more thing, I just changed my viber profile picture and received over the course of the day, three invites to sex sites. I wonder if these constitute hoovers.
More than likely.
Ugh. How many times I heard “I never said that.” Well! What are you saying then?????! Infuriating. Never could get a straight answer out of him. But certainly every assertion I would make of his position was the incorrect one.
“I never said that.” This phrase should be written on his tombstone.
if my parents were having affairs, they must have had them during the day because they slept in the same bed every night for the 21 years I was at home.
I’m still unclear on my first boyfriend who I’m devastated to realise was one too. He was quite boring in nature so was likely a lesser / mid and watched a lot of movies, thought about food and smoked to escape social awkwardness. There was an ex he triangulated me with slightly until I blew up and then he never mentioned her again. But he did lower my self esteem by keeping me at his house, isolated me and discouraged me from my career.
I’m wondering whether he most definitely cheated and with lots of people?
He will have cheated AVS, but probably not with lots.
Thanks. I’m mainly shocked because he seemed so tired and depressed he barely got out of bed.
We caught up years later out of courtesy and he was shaking and smoking from anxiety and then I told him my parents had abused me and I left them. He looked at me with arrogance and said “sounds like you have serious depression.”
I’m more than a little convinced the entire narc dynamic is a projection and punishment.
Are you infantilising me in this comment?
No. I don’t see where you get that from.
Mr Tudor,
I find your site helpful, and would like to ask you a question. I “dated” a narcissist a couple of decades ago, long before I knew anything about narcissism. The man dumped me, and rang my phone for about a year after, letting it ring for just a fraction of a ring. At first, I think it was done to twist the knife, and later, it was done because he was lonely.
I went No Contact because I just wanted to be rid of him. Once he ripped the mask of sanity off, I wanted to get the hell out of Dodge.
Then I sort of forgot about him.
Now that I realize that I had a malignant narcissist parent and think about narcissism, his memory has resurfaced along with a lot of other jetsam and flotsam, and I’m still scared of him! I’m afraid that someday I’ll meet him and he’ll say “Remember me? We went out together. I’m X.”. Realistically, he’d be a fat, grey-haired old man by now, but I’m still afraid. I’m not proud that I went out with him, and the dump was painful, even if I didn’t like him all that well. It’s like he still has some sort of emotional impact, even if it’s not so much one of longing. I want to exorcise the fear. Any tips?
How much would it have hurt my parents and brother after leaving the family when all of our contact was with each other and I was a primary fuel source?
As well, why do narcissists arrange their behaviour around their parent’s approval yet want to appear as though they are rebelling against it?
There is this weird dynamic within the family unit that the roles are established and children are always babies needing approval so choose careers that will impress their mother or father based on their opinion, yet there is no love?
I used to follow this but then left them and did my own thing.
Hello Violet,since you were the primary source to your parents and your brother it would have caused considerable infuriation and weakness as you removed their main source of fuel. If they had little or no reliance on other sources of fuel, the effect would have been significant and serious.
With regard to your second question it is often to do with the façade. They want the parental approval for the purpose of fuel and ensuring that they present a particular picture of reliance and being trustworthy which can then be used against the victim at a later stage. Of course with a peer group, for someone who is younger, the desire to be seen as rebelling against one’s parents is all part of maintaining a façade with those peers and drawing fuel from them.
Surely some of you are intelligent enough to see that the fuel you crave and throw around will eventually lead to the burning down of the house that *you* (and your children) live in? You’re not left unscathed. Is that still worth it?
We are unscathed because nothing is ever our fault Curious, it is somebody else’s fault that the house burned down and we gain more fuel by blaming them and moving to a new house.
As you should sir. The information you are providing them would take years of research to gather. You liken me to a doctor whom goal is to see your patients heal and move forward. I bet you say, I liken you to a lot of professions and famous movie stars. I found about you through lovefraud ,also the Sam person. After reading and following your blogs and books. I never made it to Sam, my questions were answered here. Not only are you self aware of your level but you have knowledge of the lessors of your type. Detailed and specific information that doesn’t appear it can be gained by gathering information from victims on blogs. I have never seen a disordered person whom exhibits 95% of the behaviors you list. If its that easy, why do these evil people manage to fly under the radar? Its common practice in the states to misdiagnosed patients and use them as guinea pigs by providing drug after drug ;playing the guessing game with people lives looking for a diagnosis. How do you know so much? Why doesn’t it seem like you sincerely care about your followers healing and transitioning from victims to victory? Why?
I know so much because I am very clever. I know so much because I have studied and observed, both my kind and our victims, as to understand is the key to achieving success. I have had my awareness increased substantially by the good doctors and through my writing and interaction with people I continue to learn, understand and apply. It doesn’t seem as if I care, because I don’t.
HG
Thank you for responding. Doesn’t was a typo😊 It was meant to state why does it seem like you care about healing and progression of your followers. You say you don’t care. Yes you do😊 because if there’s no change there’s no way to measure your success. That’s why you deliver nice swift kick in the ass every know and then.
But you do care ! Or you wouldn’t be doing it ! You wouldn’t participate. You’re getting something from it,call it fuel if you like but it matters to you, so you care ! Therein lies my puzzlement !! You say you don’t care (not in the way non disordered do) but you care in YOUR way …. it’s a contradiction. But you don’t care right ?
I do not care Shantily.
Can you do a video on blame? As in, the victim blaming the narcissist long after the wound and how you notice this affects their decisions and personality? When they again are with narcissists?
I’m pretty sure that aside from adventure, the victim stays because they have some comfort in not being a real adult or hiding in fantasy.
In my case I grew up sacrificing being an adult to avoid being hit. This comfort habit has stopped me in life in all manner of ways.
I have made a note AVS, thank you for the suggestion.
Cool, thanks. I appreciated the video on being an addict. While I was in denial, the crush addict is exactly what I was.
The thing that binds victims I think is we are all angry and powerless over a violation we have become accustomed to blaming for
Have you noticed certain cultures foster narcissism?
When I lived in France I felt as if in a true pit of self indulgent isolating propaganda. I also noticed China and Africa have harsh authoritarian cultures that produce the cold and disordered. Some other cultures I found common are Latino (favouring histrionics and facade over reality and connection). The US – never ending sales pitch. Anywhere that being a real and imperfect child isn’t ok. I would strongly suggest poverty breeds narcissism as a means of forgetting.
Interesting observation AVS. I have found my kind all over the world.
Fair enough.
HG, this might sound odd. Are the doctors charging you for services or are they using you as a study to gain a better understanding of the disorder ? I can see them benefiting from the sessions. I know most Dr’s and priest feel it’s a waste of time due to the N massive ability to manipulate and lie.
They are charging my family although I have remarked that I should be charging them for the privilege of engaging with me.
You will not ever stop ever, will you HG.
Sent from my iPhone
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I cannot.
It’s total complete madness.
He only apologized to me once. And made sure to know what a big deal it was for him to do so.
Hi passel. 🙂
I get that . Despite all of the things he broke & all the times he was violent to me, I never received a ” sorry”
The broken things were cleaned up before I woke up & then it was ” business ” as usual as though the night before never happened .
It messed with my head so much I accepted it eventually as being ” normal”
I understand that now x
You probably won’t publish this, but just fix your parenting issues, all of you, hey? Not really worth killing others’ precious spirit for. Just cowardice.
Yes, that four letter word known as fuel. As I was reading this, a “swear word” coincidentally beginning with fu but ending with k was rambling through my head. I’ll let you fill in the blank. This seems like deja vu.
He did the puppy eyes and the crocobile producing tears.
I’m surviving trigger season thanks to you and people here. Thank you so much.
Side note, it’s the Hunters Moon this weekend and my favorite moon of the year. Does the H in your name stand for Hunter? It would be most appropriate.
Hope you are having a peaceful weekend.
It is a spectacular moon 1jaded. I was opining about it as I stood talking to a secondary source last night.
Yes hunter would be very apt wouldn’t it? Imagine if you had guessed correctly?
Hunter is a good guess. But, I will go with Hugh. Not, Hugh Grant, Hugh Jackman you admitted you were a ruggedly handsome gent😊 . My illusion of you now is Hugh Jackman. It’s nearing noon here time for brunch(well mimosas).
Not Hugh, no. Hugh Jackman is a good looking fellow and i do like a number of his films, The Fountain, Prisoners, The Prestige, Swordfish, Van Helsing and Australia being several which spring to mind.
https://abb625.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/wp-1476648026710.jpg
Hugh Jackman at Global Citizen in NYC Sept 24 2016
Nah, I don’t see any adamantine, that must be his stunt double!
Hugh is not my type as he is to hairy. >
Stunt double, hahaha. It does appear he’s getting hotter and younger.
Believe me, they are all very different looking in person. You couldn’t see his wolverine blade claws either but it doesn’t mean he’s not tough.
I was thinking of Wolverine, the last one cover photo 🤔
Wow and I thought HG stood for Happy Gilmore.
Ha ha, you have exposed me!
I figured it would be an incorrect guess. The Prestige was an excellent movie…so was Happy Gilmore, but in a different way.
But who was better, Bale or Jackman?
Bale because of plot twist. Bowie as Tesla.
Agreed. Bowie was excellent as Tesla.
Jackman did a fine job, but Bale is genius in whatever he does and this is no exception. The scenes he played with his wife were wrenching. Today your eyes tell me you love me/today your eyes tell me you don’t love me. It’s always in the eyes, At least the end explained it.
Loved The Prestige and The illusionist. Figures I like the latter…lol oh and Happy Gilmore narc Shooter McGavin, and the line, now your backs gonna hurt cause you just pulled landscaping duty!
I agree it doesn’t get any better than this, however, what good is the knowledge if all we do is reply and apply to our lives daily. Heck, I am concerned that too much of it is making me one😊 I must say it’s intriguing to watch and have the ability to stop these tactics. Suck up the golden period and then go straight no contact like the person never existed. It’s all good until it’s not.
Why reactions and emotions though ? I had an awful childhood and I do not want power over other people’s emotions and I do not want control . Have you started to see the world differently since therapy . How have you changed if at all since you became aware and have been going to the good doctors ?
It is the provision of emotional attention which gives us the power we crave and addresses the gnawing void inside. You may not want control, but i do, because I have to have it Starr in order to get what I need. Have I started to see the world differently? i have certainly seen and understood the other perspectives to my own. I have changed? Yes, I am far more aware of what i am, why I am this way and why I do what I do. In fact, it has served to make me much more effective (probably an unintended consequence) but I know that the good doctors state that is only through being aware that i can move to challenging what I do and altering my behaviours.
So therapy just enhanced your skills further. What would motivate you to alter your behavior when they have provided you more tools to fine-tune it?
Not a case of “just”, Love, that was one of the consequences from it however.
It is interesting that you mention motivation as this was something that came up in a recent session. I see no reason to change, as I have mentioned before, because what I do works. I am an effective machine. I see downsides of deviating from what i know works for me and since all I care about are my needs, then I am fulfilled.
However, in the discussion an idea did form in my mind which I know some readers have alluded to in the past, although they have not stated it specifically this way, and it was this – what if I accepted the challenge to be different because doing so accorded with my principles and mindset. Could there be a way of aligning those two things? That is the challenge I set Dr O and Dr E.
So the challenge is for Dr. O and E to convince you that behaving differently will be beneficial for you and serve you better?
That’s part of it.
HG
I came here to learn about npd, how to avoid repeating the same mistakes and to heal. My behavior towards people as a whole has changed. (Unintended Consequence). I reach my objective, now I need to work on my attitude towards people.
Very smart man. You put the onus on them and make them earn their money.
I am pleased you noticed.
I knew the answer thanks to you! At least there is one. Not that I like it but it makes sense in your world. And it answers so much for me.
The inability to never say sorry. I heard it once or twice but never ever when I sat crying in the bowling alley, movie theatre, restaurant, and everywhere else out in public. I always wondered why she wouldn’t comfort me or wipe my tears away. I now know the reason for it.
All the lies!!! I ran a half marathon. I’m joining a volleyball league. I’m boxing now. I had a seizure. I got in an accident. Soo many. I let them all go. I know the reason for this.
All the broken arrangements. We would make plans and then she would say “I’ve changed my mind” ” get someone else to go” ” I have a headache”… She would always end up going with me but it was after I pleaded and begged her to go. And cried of course.
Thanks for giving me the real reason for it all. I would have been endlessly searching and I would have never found the reasons behind all of these. I know there are others who don’t need to know but it is was and is important to me to pick everything that happened to me apart.
This is the best place for the answers.
Thank you SW and you are right.
Me too, it helps with the healing.
Hi SW.
You sound very much like me in that you need answers for the reason why it all happened, why narcs do what they do before you can start to move on .
Initially my councilor completely dismissed the idea & tried to push me forward with my life, any questions I asked were dismissed with a wave of her hand & comments like ” oh he doesn’t matter ” or ” he’s history now no need to talk about him ” . Well HELLO councillor, I spent nearly15 years trying to figure out what was wrong . 15 years that I’ll never get back and took 15 years of abuse.. don’t tell me that I can just ” forget” it ! ..
It was unsuccessful of course, there were a million questions I needed answers to & she didn’t answer a single one.
I spent months searching & then I found HGs blog & the books, suddenly everything started to make sense . I’m not saying I’m healed, I dont think I’ll ever fully recover BUT finding the answers has certainly helped me understand & to a great extent given me some closure .
I hope you & everyone else find some closure too, eventually . x
Take care .
Not So Sad
Hello So Sad,
I can only imagine how many questions you had after being in a relationship for 15 years. I’m sorry the abuse was that long for you. I try to explain to people that so much happened in a 24 hour period. Times that by each year and it’s unimaginable what we went through. That’s why I have so many questions. lol…
I heard exactly what you did from many. And I can’t move on til I am satisfied for my own self NOT for anyone else. I have made plenty of progress thanks to HG and from you and the others. I’m glad you continued to seek answers and found them. It does bring peace to me when I can see the reasons behind everything that happened.
Have a good day ❤️🍎❤️
Yes So Sad, some therapists want you to just forget about that person entirely. If only it was that easy. Perhaps they should develop a memory eraser to speed along the therapy.
That is so spot on. The way our brain starts to explain why they’re doing it, make excuses for them, which keeps us hanging around.
I had a guy phone me yesterday after a period of silence of several weeks, he was annoyed at me because my ex-husband is still in my life. As there’s no emotional involvement I just didn’t care if he talks to me or not. I though ‘G is sulking’, carried on with my life. It is so easy to do when you don’t have feelings. I wish I could be that way with the narc because like with G, when I’m logical and calm I do know that he always comes back. But it’s so easy to go into sheer panic mode.
How the heck do you turn those feelings off so that you don’t care if they talk to you or not?
You read, you understand, you build your logic boat and eventually you will no longer care. Time and application will get you there and continuing to read my work.
Excuses. I made too many excuses for him. Over and over. Year after year. Excuses. 🙁 Maybe this…? Maybe that…? Always making excuses for his unreliable behavior.
Well, I’m an entirely different person now. No more of this from anyone else. I’ve learned from reading your posts, HG and can now cut people out of my life almost as easily as you can. And I have.
We may be empaths, – but we can learn new ways.
Please, I am currently struggling with this kind of situation, how did you deal with cutting off this pearson out of your life? How did you do it? Although Im so sick of everything, I am in a devastating position, he found a new victim and now there is no begging to get me back, no nothing, its the “silent treatment” and the “punishment” for which I should probably be gratefull, but Im really becoming depressed and lost. Any tips would help, thanks in advance.
You need to deal with the emotional infection that has occurred and reading Exorcism will assist in that regard. You ought to use this period of silence, hard as it may feel, to build your defences for No Contact as this will distract you and enable you to prepare for the inevitable Hoover that will occur. This is what you can do to protect yourself and deal with your ensnare eat with your narcissist. If you feel there are further effects then you should seek assistance from a medical professional who can lead you to the necessary assistance viz a viz any other effects you may have suffered. You have the material here to understand what has happened and thus to deal with it.