Something That Rings True
One of the ways that enables us to succeed with our manipulations is the ability to do or say something that rings true. Take for instance when we commence our seduction and we tell you that we have been in love with you for several years but never felt able to tell you until now. What happens when something like that is said?
- You are taken aback that someone tells you this out of the blue;
- It feels good however because to be told that someone loves you, appeals to a person’s desire to be loved and especially so with an empathic individual who is a love devotee;
- The concept of somebody loving you silently and from afar also accords with an idea of romance;
- It is a surprise, but a pleasant one, an exciting one which has grabbed your interest.
Some people may be bowled over already because of these things. Their desire to be loved and probably their need to be loved arising out of the damage they have suffered at some point, causes them to embrace this announcement of love with enthusiasm and more to the point, to soon fall in love with the person who has made the announcement.
Some people may be delighted by this sudden declaration, but they query how this might be so. They do not ask the person, they do not wish to be impolite or they do not wish to run the risk of losing this new love, how this has come about. No, instead they consider how this might come to be the case.
“Well, we have known each other since we were at school.”
“Her parents and my parents have always been good friends and kept in touch.”
“We work in the same office. Okay, we do not speak often, but he is still able to see me across the floor every day.”
“We have been members of the same club for years, so it kind of makes sense.”
The victim convinces him or herself because there is something that rings true. If you and the narcissist have known one another for a long time, have mutual connections, frequent the same places, it is entirely conceivable isn’t it, that this person could well have loved you from afar for years? The belief in love, the pleasure gained from being told this, the romantic connotation which arises from this circumstances and then the fact that there is something that rings true, all combines in the mind of the victim and they fall for the declaration.
Even in the rare instance that the victim might just question the bona fides of this declaration of love, we are able to deal with it. How? By again deploying the use of something that rings true.
Take for instance: –
“But we have barely spoken to one another all the time, how can you love me when that is the case?”
“I don’t need to speak to you to know what I feel for you. I have seen the way you are with people, kind, considerate, the way you make people feel at ease, the way you make people laugh, how good you are at your job. Those are all the qualities that made me fall in love with you and more besides.”
More compliments appeal to the listener. It is also likely that the narcissist will have observed his or her victim, spoken to the victim’s friends or colleagues and trawled their social media profile to select additional information which when combined adds to the veracity of the likelihood of someone being in love with the victim.
“But I hardly know you, we just share the same apartment building.”
“Maybe but I see you go past every day and you may not have noticed me, but I have noticed you.”
Again, that is entirely conceivable.
“Years you say, why did you not say anything sooner?”
“Because I wanted to be sure of what I felt. I didn’t want to rush it and I always believe that if something is right, it will come to happen.”
Again, there is a plausibility to what is being said.
We rely on the suggestion that something is true, the fact that it is plausible, the desire of the victim to believe in love, to want romance, to have something wonderful which alleviates the pain of past miseries and combined together makes the magical become not just possible but probable. If you have someone paying attention to you, someone who professes to love you then most empathic individuals want to believe in that and will not want to run the risk of it being de-railed by interrogating the person as to what they really mean. The victim either convinces him or herself that what has been said is genuine, because it has something of the truth about it or if they do ask questions this just provides us with a further opportunity to add further words that have something of the truth about them.
Once you realise that this is a manipulation that our kind deploy, you will spot it happening with alarming frequency or you will look back and realise just how often it was used to con and dupe you, to cause you to think that what we said and did was genuine. All through the suggestion that something has the ring of truth about it.
“I am sorry I said what I did, I have been under a lot of pressure.”
(He has been working hard as of late. He has told me and so have his colleagues)
“I don’t want to make any mistakes this time, please give me a chance to make you happy.”
(She did say she messed up her previous relationships. I guess she has learned from that.)
“I have finally worked out what I need and what I have to give. It has taken me some time, but finally with you, I know it will be right.”
(He has told me about the other relationships he has had which didn’t work.)
“I will repay you when I receive my bonus.”
(He showed me his contract confirming that he was due a bonus a few weeks ago.)
“I won’t hurt you, I have been hurt and I could not do that to anybody else.”
(His family told me has been hurt before.)
“It is a last minute business trip, these things happen. It is only a few days. I will be back before you know it.”
(She has mentioned business trips in the past and it is a demanding place where she works.)
“I am sorry you couldn’t reach me, sometimes I just need some space to work things out, you know how I can go inside myself at times.”
(Yes, he is sometimes quiet.)
“No she is just a friend, you’ve nothing to worry about.”
(He has mentioned her as a friend from school previously.)
Whether it is seducing you, making you do something for us, explaining away your concerns, deflecting blame, refusing to do something or a hundred other manipulations, we have an instinctive ability to cause you to accept what we say and do, believe us or no longer doubt us because of this capacity to add something that rings true. It is only after the event that you come to understand and realise that there was never any truth. The inference, insinuation or hint was predicated on lies.
How is it then that what are lies are somehow given that ring of truth?
The answer to that question is that there is also one other essential ingredient which enables us to deploy this manipulation. What we say, no matter how plausible, how convincing, how persuasive, how truthful it may sound, needs one other thing to make it work. Needs something else in the equation to turn the lie into an apparent and sustainable truth.
Something which is especially receptive to this tactic. Something that is open to its application. Something that allows it to be so effective.
You.
19 thoughts on “Something That Rings True”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
I remember the, “I think I am falling in love with you.”. That was a shock only a few weeks into our relationship BUT it was a set up to his behavior that was to follow. I am not so quick to fall in love but the sweet feeling before I do is always welcomed.
I think if I sat down in a quiet room and thought it over, I could remember every single manipulative thing that was said to me… I still get all kinds of persuading texts every day… some I know are lies and some are just the same old tactics. What’s worse is now that he knows I am so well at ignoring his calls, texts and emails, he has started showing up places I go and now mysteriously where I walk my pup…. that way he can interact face to face… BS, it is so hard to control emotions face to face.
Hey DC, we could compile lists together for hours. It’s sad to think about the things that were said and done that we thought were genuine and they were just tricks and lies.
I don’t know how you are holding up having to see him face to face. That’s terrible that you can’t even go for a walk in peace. . Sorry😔
It is odd for me though… these things irritated me but not to the point that his sad sweet face looking at me and then saying he just wants to spend time with me couldn’t fix. Lies or not…whats done is done and I am done.
I am just at the point where I am going to flip my lid… He knows I care about him and that’s why he takes advantage. I am starting to get very irritated though…
I’m finding there are so many phases to this journey out of hell. I wish my progress was a little faster but I will take any steps in the right direction. Lol..
He better watch out. Lol… I can see the fire coming from your head. 🔥🔥
Hopefully he will give you a break soon. XX
Yes Snow, you will get there sweets! Time is all we need, no rushing it!
I do need a break. He drains me…
OMG! Not only the same MO is in use, but also very similar or even identical statements. “I’ve always loved you. My happiness was right here in front of me all this time”. – “We have known each other for fifteen years, why didn’t you tell me that before, when I wasn’t married and didn’t have children?” – “I was young, immature. But I’ve always called you “mine” when telling about you to my friends. You know that. You are intelligent, educated, hard working, great colleague, dedicated mother, pure as a dewdrop, classy. I admire you. With you, I would go anywhere.. to a village or to Paris. It does not matter where.” – “But we are having an affair for three years now. How come you ended your long-term relationship now, when I got pregnant with you, and not sooner, If you felt all that love for me? It must be because of my pregnancy, because of me carrying your baby.” – “No, I told you I quit smoking pot five months ago and since then everything became clear to me. I got out of the fog and I realized how much I love you, that I couldn’t live without you.” Although the story had gaps, I have turned a blind eye and rationalized. Listening to those beautiful words of love, coupled with heart-melting acts on his part, felt amazing. Hey, this perfect man loves me the same way I love him! Never in a million years I’d think he was telling me lies. Especially since it seemed he felt – maybe more proper word would be ‘believed’ – his own words, what he was telling me. And here I am, going to a therapist, telling me: “SEF, you DO realize you have been manipulated and that he just wanted sex from you? At least at the beginning. Then he reached for more”. Because there was a fertile ground for that in every sense. Me.
Good piece.
The subtleties of narc-nuance obfuscation are interesting.
I’ve since learned to speak up when appropriate and ask the questions I want. With diplomacy, of course —
Usually open-ended questions work best. “How,” “tell me about,” etc.
Narcs won’t answer these, or if they try, they’ll spin more b.s.
What’s even better is when they are a pastor narcissist. They hide behind the Bible and helps no others. The N I was entangled with has been someone inhave worked with for years. When we first met there was chemistry between us, ,but nothing happened other than some minor flirting. We were both married. He (being the “Christian man” that he claimed) then made a huge proclamation that he needed to take care of two things(one of those se being divorcing his wife). He came back two years later and told me and I avoided him like the plague. Fast forward three years and my marriage was not great and we start flirting. Just texting and work visits(cause ya know great Christian man) 3 weeks in he proposes to me. I saw a million red flags, but ignored them cause I loved the attention. He of course invited me over but no lines would he crossed(good Christian man) well we end up on his bed in our underwear. Making out but no sex. I now understand it was all about control. Total love bombing, just enough sex to hook me, and silent treatments. Finally disengaged and good ridence to him.
We make it easy, don’t we?
I remember when she told me she loved me. It was a big production that she had been hinting at for a week. I thought she was confused. Lol..
Once again I was trying to reason with her. Crying again. I bet I was the easiest target ever for her.
I wonder how long I would have stayed and continued the dance.
The most important ingredient for this manipulation is the prey for the predator. Back to the hunting grounds.
I think I am still running blindfolded. I cannot accept he could be a narcissist.
Still, patterns correspond, events coincide.
He said one time that I was so difficult and that he was feeling frustrated that he was not able to make it work like the other times. I wear a mask of kindness, probably. But I am still a child in this world. In the end, I fell anyway.
Mr. HG, if I wanted to read your books, from which one you recommend I should start?
(apologies for my English, I am not a native)
Thanks.
Manipulated and EVIL, they should start to allow you to realise what you have become entangled with.
Many thanks.
Me ?
Yes, you there, by the watering hole, yes with the cookie cutter in your hand!
I knew it !! I e been waiting at this watering hole just for you HG !! Baking cookies every day, I know how much you like them. Come with me we have some games to play 💋
UGH! You are evil and you are everywhere!
I recall more each day of the seduction. It took his a total of 30+ hours of talking to me to be convinced he was interested and wanted me. 30 hours! He must have been so frustrated he had to work so hard. I can imagine him stomping around and being so frustrated I was fighting him every turn. I wish I knew then what I know now. It was not worth the pain nor the drama. It changed me. I am not so sure for the better.
I’m cought up in Your web already dear G…