The 5 Central Questions – The Mid-Ranger
I have come across these five questions on a number of occasions. They are often regarded as the five fundamental queries which are raised about our behaviour. They are usually answered in a forthright manner by certain commentators in order to drive the message home. However, these observations and answers are provided by people who are not of our kind. They are naturally entitled to comment but the true value arises from someone who is on the other side of the fence, the perpetrator of the actions, the doer. Furthermore, the usual observations are provided without regard to the fact that narcissists are both similar yet different because we operate in certain schools which are linked to our degree of functioning and malign outlook. Accordingly, the traditional answer provided to one of these questions may be correct for the greater of our kind, but not for the mid-range or for the lesser narcissist. This time the focus falls on those narcissists which are from the Mid-Range school. It is usually the case that those who Mid-Range are not so much defined by what they are, but rather by what they are not. Thus if a behaviour which accords with a lesser narcissist is absent and a behaviour which accords with a greater narcissist is absent but the individual still displays behaviour which accord with narcissism as a whole, this person falls within the Mid-Range. The Mid-Range is neither a creature of complete knee-jerk reactions but nor is he or she fully aware of what he or she is and the capabilities that he or she may possess. He or she will not exhibit the driven, malign nature of those narcissists from the greater school. Here are the five answers to the five central questions.
- Do We Know What We Are Doing?
Whereas the lesser narcissist operates through instinctive responses and in a knee-jerk manner the Mid-Ranger knows what he or she is doing. They notice that they feel a sense of unease and being unsettled. This is when their fuel levels have dropped to a low level. They do not know that the sensation of unease is linked to the reduced fuel levels. The Mid-Ranger does know that provoking reaction in the person who is his or her primary source and other people causes the unease to diminish and vanish. He or she is aware of the link between the need to receive attention and the reduction in the state of unease. He or she realises that certain reactions do not always work (i.e. unemotional ones) and that some reactions are superior to others (the sense of unease vanishes quicker and is replaced with a feeling of power) but they do not know why that is. They do not realise the index of fuel supply governs their own state of power/unease. They do know what if they are praised they feel better, if you are made to cry, they feel better and if you are losing your temper because of something that they have done, they feel better.
- Do We Know That We Are Hurting You?
Akin to the lesser, the Mid-Ranger is aware of the hurt that is being caused. The Mid-Ranger will also give some consideration to how this might be achieved whereas the lesser just does it. The Mid-Ranger does not behave this way because of any innate malevolence but rather because he or she is aware that the evidence of pain on your part gives them a “good” feeling and lessens the unease which may appear. The Mid-Ranger knows that if he or she acts in a certain way, it will cause you upset and therefore he or she will take some time to evaluate how best to respond in a situation so that the “good” feeling can be obtained. The Mid-Ranger will be aware of what it is that you are doing which has generated contempt, irritation or annoyance. He will be able to provide you with a reason behind this sensation and moreover if there is no actual reason he is readily able to invent one. Whereas the lesser can only usually respond in a vague and amorphous fashion, the Mid-Range will provide you with a reason for this annoyance at your behaviour and why he or she is hurting you. It is most likely a lie, but a reason will be provided nevertheless.
- Do We Do This Deliberately?
The Mid-Ranger is deliberate in his or her behaviours. They do not know it is fuel, they do not know its true purpose but they are sufficiently aware and of sufficient function to link the provision of certain reactions by you to the settling and empowering effect it has on them. The Mid-Ranger is aware that he or she can provoke good and bad emotions from you, that these reactions serve a purpose and therefore they will apply some time and effort to ascertaining the best way of doing this. They are also able to apply a wider range of manipulations from their repertoire as a consequence of their increased function. The response is thought out and whilst the plotting and scheming is far removed from the grand scale of the greater narcissists, there is no doubting that the Mid-Ranger will plan. He or she will consider how people can best serve them. This is not done from a malicious point of view but is more about working out what will serve him or her the best. The Mid-Ranger will consider which friends serve him best, who will make the best target and how the various people that are his fuel lines knit together. He does not behave in the random and chaotic fashion of the lesser nor with the pinpoint, malicious accuracy of the greater but with a sense of organisation and planning so that he or she gets what he or she wants.
- Can We Control This Behaviour?
The Mid-Ranger is possessed of the ability to control his or her behaviour. Since he or she is not a creature of instinct like the lesser but adopts a more considered approach there is greater thought given to how he or she should respond. The Mid-Ranger is not aware of why they ought to behave in this way, they only know that there is a way of behaving which suits them best and they need to tailor their responses and behaviours to accord with this way and this includes control. The Mid-Ranger only has so much control and in situations where fuel levels plummet and there is a real or perceived threat of a primary source cessation then the Mid-Ranger will lose control when placed under such duress. This may manifest in the use of physical violence. The Mid-Ranger knows there will be consequences but is unable to contain the urgent need to “do something” and therefore control is lost. The Mid-Ranger is particularly prone to using the silent treatment as this represents a halfway house between exerting and losing control. He or she may be panicked into a sudden reaction but they do not lose control to such an extent that a frenzied response, by way of violence both physical and verbal may appear. Instead they vanish. The Mid-Ranger is also more likely to engage in emotional, financial and sexual abuse through planning and the greater subtleties and insidious nature attached to these particular machinations.
- Can We Stop It?
Yes, the Mid-Ranger can. He has an awareness and therefore is able to decide that the behaviour can stop. Indeed, where the Mid-Ranger perceives an advantage to be acquired he will do so and amend his behaviour accordingly. Whereas the lesser narcissist will instigate a respite period instinctively without knowing why he is doing, his need to devalue will just abate and the golden period returns, the Mid-Ranger knows the value of a respite period and will grant it because he feels settled and prone to wanting the contrast of the positive fuel again. Similarly, when those fuel levels drop the Mid-Ranger knows to commence the devaluation again. His awareness and control enable him of her to stop the devaluing behaviour as and when it is required. He does not exercise this with regard to any sense of malevolence, like the greater, but rather it is driven by need. The Mid-Ranger could stop his or her abusive behaviour but will not do so if they perceive a need for it to continue. The lesser is unable to stop it because it “just happens”. Of the three schools, the Mid-Ranger is less volatile, less malicious but in some respects can be regarded as entirely culpable for the behaviours which are engaged in and that are doled out to his or her victims.
39 thoughts on “The 5 Central Questions – The Mid-Ranger”
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I found narcsite for some months ago, approximately 1 month after I finally blocked the ex. It all started with that I had a hard time forgetting him even when the relationship was not healthy and exhausting, and I can remember that I was kind of relieved when I finally broke up with him. But there’s somehow some kind og bond I feel towards him. Maybe because this is my first and only relationship so far at the age of 25. I was searching just out of the blue “did he ever loved me” on google and got to a site describing what it’s like breaking up with the narcissist and it hit me really good. Since then I’ve been reading more about this and found this site.
To the point: my (now rather sure a) mid range narc-ex and I have once talked about how he was unable to feel empathy for others (me included) and he suddenly said he was an Asperger and sent me a link so I would read and kind of “get a better picture of him”. He seemed serious about this, said he really couldn’t feel the empathy for others. I asked if he was diagnosed this from the doctor, he said he think he is an Asperger. So he must have been struggling with this, maybe even before we met so he had to find out. I was in that time not familiar with many psychological “disorders” and didn’t think much about this, and I was certain he is NOT an Asperger the way he was. I thought it only was an “excuse” he found up to use it for his further lies or when it serves him best.
HG – Since a MR doesn’t be understand narcissism and fuel would it freak them out if you just said I know you feel better when you emotionally get people to react to you? Would they know that already or just deny? I wonder if they would start noticing that is in fact the case after someone says that to them.
You have no need to tell them this Courtney. If you did, he or se, would deny it if they regarded it as stated in a challenging way or they would milk it as part of seeking sympathy if it was conveyed in a concerned manner. They would not accept they do anything to achieve this.
Given your comments in the latter part of the post about control, the Mid sound like the type most likely to heal or reflect and pursue treatment. (Lesser has no awareness or control. Higher sees absolutely nothing wrong with what he’s doing.) Would you agree, HG? Any thoughts?
Possibly pursue treatment, yes, but not for the reason you may think – see ‘But I Can Change’. He will not heal however, he does not know what he is. All he will do is con you into thinking he will change or heal so he can continue to draw fuel and control you.
Is it possible for an upper mid ranger narcissist to know what he is after reading about narcissists and how they operate and diagnoses himself as one? Or is this just the case for only the greater narcissists?
it is for the greater. The UMR may recognise the behaviours but will still be configured to reject any accountability or ownership of the behaviours.
Okay, thank you, HG!
I’ve grown up with two extreme narssasists. I am an empath to a fault and feel like I live on a different planet. Sadly most of my relationships have been with narssasists; I’ve spent the last five years researching narssasistic behaviour and the more I learn the more questions I have. Yet with all the knowledge I aquire I still seem to fall into the same trap with a different disguise. I’ve just finished one of your books on why a narssasist chooses you. Reading the requirements of their needs and wants horrified me, I may as well read my profile. I decided I had to change who I am which left me feeling a tonn of emotions. How the hell do you change who you are. I don’t honestly know if I can, or even if I want to. I do know. I never ever want to be envolved with a narc again, I cannot feel more worthless then I do now. Each day is filled with so much pain that no one can ever understand. I feel like I will never know what real love will ever feel like. All I want is to love and be loved. Is that even possible.
Don’t change. Just find better people to be with. Adjust your radar so that you associate with people who drink from the same fountain as you. Pay attention to the warning signs presented by HG. If you don’t heed his warnings then you will always be a victim
Hi HG,
I’m a bit confused on one notion for ‘Can we stop it’: “Yes, the Mid-Ranger can. He has an awareness and therefore is able to decide that the behaviour can stop.” Does this mean that a mid-range can essentially change their narcissistic ways? Or is the reality, ‘once a narcissist, always a narcissist’? If a mid-range were to understand the concept of fuel and could understand why they make certain choices, would they then be able to change their behaviour in a positive way? What I’m trying to get at, is there any hope?!
Liz
Hi Liz, no, the Mid-Range does not change his ways. He can alter the behaviour but he would replace it with a different form of behaviour in order to achieve the same outcome. He remains beholden to the need for fuel. A Mid-Ranger would not understand the concept of fuel. It is, as you detailed, once a narcissist, always a narcissist. The Lesser and the Mid-Range do not know what they are and therefore see nothing that needs to be changed. We Greaters know what we are, we can understand why other people might deem it appropriate that we change, but we see nothing to be gained in doing so, nor (usually) admitting that we understand but see no reason to change. We know what works for us and therefore we remain governed by that.
So it’s all about the fuel levels and since they fluctuate, I am never free from a future hoover?
You are never free from a potential hoover but you are not defenceless. There is much you can do to minimise the risk of being hoovered.
Fascinating HG! How does the Mid-Range feel when his silent hoover is ignored? Example, telephone call/no message. Will he try to hoover again or will he give up on his target altogether?
The failure will felt as a criticism, but the impact of this depends on how well fuelled he is when the ineffective hoover is deployed.
If he is reasonably well-fuelled, he will not be concerned. His fury will not ignite as he has enough fuel and control to keep it in check and is likely to try again (subject to the usual points about trigger and criteria being met).
If his fuel is dropping, he will consider whether he ought to try again (risking using energy for potentially no gain) or whether he should go elsewhere. It also depends on just how potent the hoover fuel is likely to be that he is seeking from you. He will be teetering on losing control because of the criticism.
If his fuel levels are very low, he is likely to withdraw for fear of this criticism wounding him further and he would seek fuel elsewhere.
If his fuel is very low, there is a r
They will only listen if they have been “snarked by a narc”. But a class or manual might make more see and ubdersr and what is happening before their very eyes. Screw sex ed…we need narc ed!!!
I think that’s a great idea Ah Oh. I was just telling my daughter last night that I wanted to talk to some therapists and some professors in the area about my experience and she thought I was crazy. I did have some success talking to professors about autism and did talk at a few events.
HG, you could write tons of manuals.
There are ways around this. I will send a private email.
You have detailed it so well for us to see what we are dealing with. I would have never know about the three schools.
Have your doctors had to read your books to understand the differences or have you had to explain it to them? My therapist knows of a general spectrum but I have had to explain the differences to her.
If you had a mother or father that was from specific school are you more likely to be like that.
I explained it to them. They agree that there is a spectrum and they have found my thoughts and observations on the three schools and the cadres of considerable interest. Whilst they would be more likely to categorise in more scientific terms they have commented that the way I have done it really aids understanding.
No wonder you think you are the one who should be getting paid. Lol…
You are extremely talented with your words. How you can take all of your knowledge and put it in a way that teaches, moves us, and gives us the power back is a true gift.
I won’t argue with that, thank you SW.
You do rule HG.
I think you should put a curriculum together to be taught by mental health experts. Write a damn manual that the muggles can relate and help survivors.
I agree, but would they listen?
Yes they will. You knock had enough, they can’t help but listen. >
True. They jolly well ought to.
Then we can all have a jolly good time.
>
How did you pick Dr. E and Dr. O to see initially? Or did Mum choose them for you? Did you know when you started seeing them it was because your family specifically thought you were a Narcissist? How far into treatment did the doctors diagnose you specifically as a Malignant Narcissist Sociopath? Did any part of that take you by surprise? Any denial at first?
They were chosen for me.
No.
About a year.
No.
Plenty, all part of the game playing.
Hello, Is their a way to tell if your narc is a lesser, mid, or greater? Mine has characteristics of all 3. Thank you in advance.
Hello Elizabeth, if you read Sitting Target you will find more information there. There are also in progress books for each of the three schools of narcissism which will add considerable detail.
What a brilliant series of posts, HG! It is apparent to me that you must be the highest level of a narcissist. (Sometimes, I even doubt if you are a narcissist, because you can seem so very caring about others…).
Sometimes, it is hard to tell if my ex narc is lesser, mid-range or higher… I highly doubt he is of the top-level narcissists though, since he is quite predictable and doesn’t rely much on his intellect, but more on his physical looks/superficial charms. It also does truly seems to me that he is not at all aware of all the reasons he is doing what he is doing…. it seems more that he is aware “to some degree”, but not all the way. At times I find my intellect (much) more sophisticated than his.. He also has a job that is ver “mid-range”, ie demanding some skills, but not demanding one to be the sharpest tool in the box.. My best guess is that he is “usually” a mid-range narc.
How very interesting to read these posts of yours on the subject! I myself have often thought thoughts along these lines, that not all narcissists can be “clumped together”. Be well, HG. ⚘
Thank you SN. Be under no illusion, I do not care, but of course I know how to pretend to care. From what you have described your narcissist does indeed sound like a mid Range, remember there are Lower Mid, Middle Mid and Upper Mid, there are shades within each school of narcissism. Thanks for reading and i hope you continue to do so.
Haha, I love your reply. 🙂 I am under no illusion, my ex, one of your brethren, have erased all my illusions about your kind, well up to about 99 % anyway. 🙂 Perhaps there will always be that 1 % inside me that will keep believing there is something loving and caring even within narcissists. (But very deep underneath the darkness..)
Thanks for clarifying about the shades, it is a perfect explanation. I think on his “good days” (good meaning days when his mind was sharpest), my ex the Narc could seem very smart indeed. And how he could make up a lie within a second, and keep all those interactions going with so many different women.. Yes, that must have taken some brains at least. But he still wasn’t intellectual like me, in the sense that he didn’t have any clue about literature or science, nor any good taste regarding movies, etc. So yes, with the way you described the shades, I can now place him going back and forth between Middle Mid range and Upper Mid. Thanks HG, be well! 🌸
You are welcome SN.
Where can I read more about lower mid, middle mid and greater mid.
Hi Lacy, you can read more in the book The Mid Ranger which I am currently working on. It is upper mid by the way.