Discarded
The discard. Treated like refuse. Cast aside. Thrown away. Jettisoned. Abandoned.
You may actually be told that the Formal Relationship is at an end.
More usually, you are left wondering if the end has come, a further parting coup de grace to add to the cocktail of bewilderment, anxiety, misery, pain and carnage that has been left behind by our kind.
I have explained what triggers the discard, a variety of different circumstances which give rise to you being dropped, but whilst you may understand how those circumstances cause you to be discarded, there remains certain nagging questions. Why go to such effort to only leave you in the dust? Why get rid of you if we need you for fuel? Why get rid of you if we are only going to come back and hoover you?
Once again these apparent contradictions only serve to prolong your confusion. Indeed, so much of our behaviour is inherently contradictory because in being so, this allows us to generate misunderstanding and misery on your part. That equates to fuel, that equates to stopping you moving forward and escaping us and it equates to creating something that we will come back to.
Why do we go to such effort to seduce you if all we are going to do is fling you to one side?
First of all, when we seduce you, we see the manifestation of our enduring hope that you are The One, that you possess the unlimited supply of fuel which will put an end to our seemingly never-ending quest for fuel. You will provide fuel which is potent, plentiful and permanent. This is what we want. The person that means never again shall we have to seek fuel from another source. No longer need we engage in so many manipulations to keep our lifeblood flowing. Everything that we have ever wanted and ever needed is finally within our grasp. Such a promise means that we must go to such lengths to seduce you. You are our Holy Grail, restitution will be poured on our lips from that chalice and in so doing, you will grant us freedom. Freedom from the hunting, the chasing, the harvesting and the extracting. Relief from this burden that we carry – some of us doing so far more effectively than others – each and every day. This prospect is why we must seduce you, bind us to us and keep you as ours. We do not set out to discard you. That is furthest from our minds when we look into your eyes. It makes perfect sense for us to give you everything that we know that you want if that means you will remain with us and give us our precious fuel. It is a transaction. We grant you the illusion of the perfect love and in return you are to provide us with our perfect fuel. It is the ultimate deal.
Why get rid of you if we need you for fuel?
When we dispose of you, it is precisely because of our need for fuel that you are discarded. You no longer provide us with the fuel that we desire. It does not matter if from your perspective you are just as loving as you are now as you were when we first met. It does not matter that you have crawled across broken glass to fulfill our needs. It becomes irrelevant how much you continue to adore us, worship us, beg us and strive each and every day to accord with what you think that we want. You are second-guessing us to the extent that you no longer even know who you are. Your thoughts become dominated as our thoughts – what will he say to this, how will he react to that, what is the best thing to do now, should I stay or go? You can give and give and give but when the discard comes, it just is no longer enough. From our perspective, you have failed us. We must place all of this blame on you, for we have to remain blameless. Most of our kind do not recognize any culpability because they have no insight, but there are those of us, the highers, the greaters, who know you have done all you can but it is not enough. Still we must blame you, because that is the way it has to be. We are to remain superior, you are to remain inferior, because if we allow that balance to shift, then we are no longer in control and if we lose control we lose ourselves.
Yes, the rampant paranoia will cause even those of us who are greaters to continue to blame you, you are but an agent of the vicious world, a manifestation that has been sent to topple us from our lofty perch. But we also know that we must continue to blame you, even when we recognise there is no blame or perhaps less blame, because we must at all times, in all circumstances exert control. We dare not countenance what would happen if it were any other way. To do so would be to entertain the unthinkable. Extinction.
Thus, your failure is both believed and manufactured and you must be discarded because we need the fresh, edifying and invigorating fuel from elsewhere. The shiny, new and exciting appliance that has been successfully embedded during your devaluation. If this has not happened, then it is in progress or quite possibly, although rarely, about to happen, if the discard has occurred as a consequence of an emergency measure.
Our need for this glorious and fresh fuel means you have to go. We do not care if this seems unfair from your perspective. This is what has to happen. We need fuel. You are no longer providing it as we require it. You are discarded. The positive fuel has lost its lustre, the negative fuel has dimmed and so because all is as the fuel orders it to be, we must attach to the new appliance and cast you to one side.
Why get rid of you if we are only coming to come back and hoover you?
This suggests that we may as well keep hold of you if we are only going to return to you at some later juncture. Why don’t we just maintain a grip on you and save ourselves the bother of hoovering – and you the pain of discard – and keep the Formal Relationship going?
There are four elements to this answer
- Punishment. You let us down and we must maintain the façade that you let us down – part of the maintenance of control which I describe above – and for that you should be punished. We should not be let down. We should be given what we want, after all we consider ourselves as so entitled, therefore in failing to give us what we want and need you are in the wrong and we know only too well that if you are wrong then punishment follows. That is the way that it always has been. By discarding you in such a harsh and callous manner, we are able to dole out a punishment to you and thus we feel in control once again. You took away our fuel, that means you exerted control over something that belonged to us. We do not like you to do that, in fact we hate it. Thus, the discard allows us to punish you for this heinous act and assert control once again.
- Shame. Whilst our kind would never admit it outside of this arena, shame follows us like some spectre through our lives. Shame drives many of our behaviours and it is sufficient to state no more about that in the context of shame’s role with your discard. We thought you were The One and we got it wrong. This makes us feel ashamed because this failure is a reminder of something we would much rather forget about, the weakness that threatens to escape and consume us. We are ashamed that we chose badly, we are ashamed that we have been fooled again by picking The False One. Of course it would never do to admit this to you or somebody else and thus you have to be discarded. Like some diseased limb which shames the rest of the body, you must be amputated, like some infected clothing you are torn away and thrown to one side, our revulsion at our own shame causing us to fling you away. Once you have been discarded, the shame abates and we can be what we want to be once again, grand, superior, omnipotent and brilliant.
- Contrast. If you have not had sex for some time, when you eventually do, is it not usually the case that the sensation is all the more heightened, the orgasm more intense and the experience all the more rewarding? If you abstain from your favourite chocolate, do not drink for a month, refrain from smoking, or attending your favourite restaurant, is it not the case that when you reinstate these things it is so much better? Indeed, it is and this is just as applicable to you. By discarding you we are also allowing us to experience fuel from elsewhere so that when we hoover you, your fuel becomes delicious and amazing once again. If we remained with you, drawing the fuel that has become stale, this would never happen. We need to discard you to prime the pump for the future need. At the time of the discard, we do not envisage returning to you, but invariably it must happen because of the rule of fuel.
- Potency. If we had not discarded you, we would not be given the opportunity to flex our hoover muscles and demonstrate our power by drawing fuel form you once again, with or without the restitution of the Formal Relationship. Hoover fuel is potent because of the contrast and the break from your fuel, but also because we are drawing it from someone who may well have resisted our overtures – or ought to have done so – and this provides us with a huge sense of omnipotence. Imagine, we treat someone disgracefully, fling them to one side and then with our powers of persuasion and seduction we bring them back to us, to do what we want again. That is power. If we had not discarded you, then this we could not do this.
These are the reasons we discard you.
As ever you are blameless, but we must make you to blame.
38 thoughts on “Discarded”
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This is my one of my favourites of your entries!
I have been crazy enough to test the patterns of behaviour of a mid-range narc from the beginning phase on and now I am on disengagement (out of curiousity) and I am amazed how on point your descriptions are.
But by devaluation I mean put downs, speaking harshly, ignoring me, treating me like I was stupid an shouldn’t be there, silence etc
If it wasn’t for work I would have left straight away.
Another question (if I may)
going through history, why would I have been discarded straight away after arriving from a foreign location to meet in person (having known each other two years at a distance) and yet he was still trying to get married?
Do you mean he was still trying to marry someone else at the time when you were discarded. Did he meet you in person or never turn up? Did he see you for a time once you arrived and then discarded you?
I went for another purpose, and we had been talking for two years through another mutual friend, and “dating at a distance” and when I arrived there was seduction but almost instant simultaneous devaluation. There was pressure for marriage, which would have been a ticket for a visa for him..
However we lived together and so it was not a hot cold distant romance but domestic… and true discard didn’t happen until long after I was back in my country and tried to friend zone him and then was crying over other life matters.
To this day I’m not sure if I was a primary or secondary as he’d had children before but I saw her picture and I believe her to be a lesser.
He’s definitely a greater. According to your articles, he’d be seducing another source. However after leaving and back in my country I was subjected to intense hoovers from both him and his coterie, and later after all blocking, from other people.
Thank you so much. Now with your writing I am diagnosing my close circles and I see a lot of female lessers and mid rangers. They are more vague and often not very observant or quick to react.
This might seem like a strange observation but a lot of female mid-range are obsessed with weight and have terrible body image. I hypothesise that the body is one more thing that is out of control and they try to control it to the millimetre in their obsessiveness. Perhaps their sexuality is also out of control and they retaliate against their own body.
I’m still confused about my matrinarc, that stemming from her display of sometimes ‘greater’ observance, cerebral qualities, calculating to a degree I could not imagine… yet quick to spill fury with poor self control and addictions.
I wonder if she stole the greater mask from others around her… or is a greater pretending to be a lesser?
May I ask you something that would affect my steps in life. I want to teach dance but I don’t want narcissists in my class. What would it appear as to one to see an advertisement for a dance class and to ready “no sociopaths / narcissists able to be accepted?”
And secondly, the reason I want to teach is that I was the student of a somatic narc and I left after circumstances became unbearable. Do you think he will try to destroy my own company? Or leave me alone now?
Such an advertisement would result in the following:-
1. The Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists would not comply with it because they do not know what they are;
2. You would attract Greaters who would work out that you are banning them because you are vulnerable and they will want a piece of the action.
The extent to which the somatic narc will bother with you is governed by whether there is a Hoover Trigger and if the Hoover Execution Criteria is met.
“This from sitting Target: Cynical people will be left alone as they will question too much”. My gosh, I was always so offended after asking questions or challenging, the look of disgust or disinterest and I took it as rejection. It was the best news ever! I’ve also been called a bitch, mean, judgmental, rude and ugly, or they literally just walk away. It used to make me cry! Now I know it was because I was not going to be a fuel source!
Your books are changing the way I’m in the world.
All the reasons I’m no contact. Thank you for your excellent insight to evil. Its funny that I lived with all his craziness but couldn’t tell you half the time what the hell was going. You have helped me understand that no amount of love, no amount of changing me would make him love me.
hi Thedevilloveslola, sounds like a similar situation to me. Was wondering are u feeling a big loss to this friend, had he always given u special attention, interesting that you’ve known him 10 yrs and this just came up?
You forgot reason #5.
Ran out of food
Arf !
Wait, so –
Your intentions are driven by the threat of fading to non-existence (I would like to know in brief periods what it feels like to be non-existent, the sensations that come on).
And you (a lot I know anyway) must be high-achievers as there is that shame, or threat of loss of face.
Is there anything else motivating your behaviour?
I would so love to understand how thing feel and what fuel feels like.
Finally, can you feel a brief sensation of love or empathy, then throw it away and compartmentalise?
Hello Violet, as to the sensations, that will be explored in the forthcoming book The Creature.
Shame is a motivating factor – see Your Fault for more on that.
No I do not feel empathy, I can understand it, but not feel it. My love is not what you understand love to be and thus whilst it attracts the label of love, it is not love.
Beautiful picture HG, sunrise, woman making the decision to step off the edge….
For a few moments you feel like your flying, free away from the confusion, the push/pull. Then the sudden stop and the tidal wave of emotions hits as you lay on the beach of dispair.
Then along comes a man by the name of HG speaking words of wisdom. You take in all he has to say, growing stronger every day.
Because of this made it through the day, would have if it hadnt been for you HG and all the knowlwdge you have given.
Sorry had a really rough day, a glass of wine.
Well described Willow.
“At the time of the discard, we do not envisage returning to you, but invariably it must happen because of the rule of fuel.” Interesting! So at discard, your kind has every intention for us to have no part whatsoever in your lives, ever???!! This is how I think narc I was with thought. He said I’d always have a piece of his heart, meaning I’d be in his heart, but I think he’s completely forgotten me. He’s moved on. I think I mean absolutely nothing to him and he’ll never remember me.
Good read thanks HG. Question: the ex in my case (cerebral I believe), never appeared to be interested in woman as such. No sex life for us, none, but I was REALLY happy about that as I found him repulsive for so many reasons. (Lack of hygiene was disgusting for one). I actually thought he was a closet Gay as well. So….in the discard phase, doest it still stand to reason that he would definitly have had someone else lined up for fuel? I never once suspected any affairs. Truth be known I always thought no one would want him. 😝. Thanks in advance. (Oh PS. Yes I know I chose him once, but as you know, he did present rather well…back then lol).
It is more likely than not that he would have somebody lined up unless the discard came about suddenly for one of those triggers reasons explained in ‘5 reasons why we discard you’. Keep in mind sex is a weapon to gain fuel. That’s it. Thus since he had no interest in you sexually, he still gained fuel from you, thus he will have no interest in another primary source sexually but he gains his fuel in ways other than sex, which is of course in keeping with his cadre as a cerebral narcissist. You won’t have noticed the affairs because you would have been looking for evidence of physical infidelity. He does not do this. It is his mind that is unfaithful.
Thanks HG. Yes, that all rings true. I always felt he had an ikky little mind. Dirty old man in fact, even though he clearly kept it to himself. I just had this intuitiony (?) thing going on about him. Ive also heard recently, that he used to Brothel hop. But….while there he never actually did anything….just sat round yapping!! That piece of info came from a very valid sourse. It actually did not surprise me. He’s just creepy, disgusting, perverted and a sadist sexually I believe. Does that sound to reason? Thanks again.
That indeed makes sense Lisa.
HG. So the brothel hopping thing would be for what reason? Assuming sex only for sex sake, is not the draw card. Attention from the girls? To be seen to be seen there? To give the illusion of being a red blooded male? Whats the point? If he is a closet gay, and yes that is of course IF, surely women wouldnt hold his interest? Thanks in advance…as usual. 🙂
To draw fuel from the girls, to create the illusion of being a red blooded male and to have a decide which could be used for triangulation.
Exhausting! It must be exhausting, being the narc!! Trying to keep up makes MY head spin. I actually feel physically sick now……a shift perhaps??? Like something’s gotta stop. Something’s gotta give…….
Stab to the heart
Ick chocolate…*ducks*
ROYCE Chocolates
Japan has an amazing chocolate brand, Nama Chocolate. Have you tried it?
My discard came because I was running out of fuel. I was exhausted and didn’t have much more to give. Like a vampire he had sucked out all of the blood from my veins. Yes he had my replacement all lined up and ready to go. He hovered me back in May and June right on schedule. I completely ignored his emails. He even sent them to my office as I had him blocked everywhere. I never responded. I realized looking back he was trying to use me to triangulate with the new supply.
The replacement supply has already been discarded several times. The third Hoover attempt is under way as she disappeared for the past several months. She is quite wealthy with several homes and they did lots of fun things that he splashed all over social media. It was the one thing I couldn’t stop looking at. He discarded her twice so far and I could tell when she got too close he would ghost her. The updates would stop for a month.
I’ve read so many of your books and have been recommending anyone in this situation to read your books and this blog. We are now starting to quote you in our Friday night happy hour sessions as so many of us are dripping with narcissists.
I still want to know that I bother him. He did everything to control me and now I’m out doing whatever I want and I’m splashing on social media too. I realized within a few months I needed to fake it until I made it. There was no way I was letting him know I was so hurt.
I was very good fuel. I am pretty passionate about things and when I do something I do it with everything. I thought we were building something important. His life ran smoothly but looking back I knew things were wrong. I saw a photo of him just yesterday and he has now gained the weight he took off when we were together. I made sure his kids got what they needed financially and made sure he showed up to all of their events and were supported. Those relationships are now non existant as you can see the kids ignore him. He has no friends. Again, I still want to know… I want to know if I’m the one that got away and does he “respect” that.
Hello Victoria, thank you your post. You clearly have a good handle on what is happening and also understanding your own reactions and how they fit in with the narcissistic dynamic. Thank you very much for reading my books and I am pleased to read that I am being quoted in your Friday night happy hour sessions.
Are you the one that got away? From your perspective, yes you are. From his perspective, no you are not because in his mind you belong to him forever and there is always the potential for him to try and get you once again. You will of course resist but that is his mindset and that is why you must remain your vigilance.
My Narc “friend” is punishing me as we speak. He didn’t get what he wanted (never mind he’s married and knows I’m married and wouldn’t delve – he sure tried) – and I’m getting the silent treatment. We’ve been friends for over 10 years (superficially as he intends it to be with everyone to maintain distance and anonymity as to his persona). I think I was always a target. I never realized it until I began rejecting his repeated requests to see me outside of working hours. We used to all get together as coworkers after hours and that has since stopped as well. I think he knows I’m on to him and I’m giving him a dose of his own medicine in terms of silence because he doesn’t matter. He really lost all footing when I realized what he was doing. I have to admit I was blindsided because I thought he was my friend. He’s no ones friend. He doesn’t even like himself. I say it felt like a kick in the stomach to realize that he is not even real. Nothing. Zero.
OMG HG .. so cruel …but so assertive..
Its amazing how this blog must comtinue to help loads of people.. like it once got me out of the nowhere I had landed.
The best sentece about the favorite chocolate 😃😃
Is yours a toblerone Nikita?
No HG. My favorite brand is Lindt
https://youtu.be/8UB4bYvbT6A
I sent you the video because Christmas is coming sooon.
Nikita London
PO Box 4568
Chocolate World – CH
THANKYOU 😃😃
Ha ha.