Toxic Logic
Confusion is at the heart of the narcissistic dynamic. Confusion causes several things to happen. You provide fuel far more readily, you submit to our control, you are easier to manipulate, your blame yourself, you cling on tighter and you do not move forward. Confusion reigns during devaluation. Confusion abounds post escape and especially post discard. Confusion keeps appearing during the hoovers which inevitably appear. The creation of confusion is a must for us if we are to keep our grip on you and achieve our aims. How many times have you said any of the following?
Why is he doing this?
I don’t understand why one moment she is fine and the next she is a howling banshee?
Why does he get so angry over nothing?
Why won’t he leave me alone?
I cannot work out what is wrong.
What’s the matter? What have I done wrong?
Why won’t you tell me what is the matter?
What was that for?
What did you say that for?
Why did you just do that?
These are all the common responses of victims who do not understand what is happening to them. This is because each and every single one of them is looking at the situation through their own world view and is accordingly applying their own logic to the situation. They are also doing so in a skewed fashion because that logic is heavily tainted by emotion which impairs clarity of thought. Not that our kind would complain about that.
One of the central planks to understanding the narcissistic dynamic is to understand our Toxic Logic. This is so-called because the effect of the application of our logic is that it has a toxic effect on you. Once you understand this toxic logic, you will make considerable advances into understanding why we behave as we do, why we say the things we do, why we react in the fashion that we do and why it impacts on you in such a fashion. You will not like this toxic logic. You will find it abhorrent but it is not necessary for you to like it. What you must do is apply it.
When you look at a situation adopting your worldview it is akin to staring into the dark of the night and looking into a forest. You may be able to see the trees because of the moonlight; you see lots of shadows but you cannot spot the man that is lurking there training a gun on you. Apply night vision goggles to that situation and all of a sudden you can see much more as they catch the infra-red section of the light spectrum and you can see the assassin clearly. Applying the toxic logic is the equivalent of switching to night vision. You will notice things that have been there all along. You will understand why we have responded in a certain way which has previously been a complete mystery to you.
Let us take the dinner table example. You have made dinner. you serve the four guests first, place a plate for yourself on the table and then serve your narcissist last. He knocks the plate to the floors spilling the food and breaking the plate. Your guests gasp. He stares at you, glowers and you watch shocked and puzzled as he storms off from the dining room. Why on earth did he just do that? Fifteen minutes later he returns, sits down and converses with you and the guests as if nothing has happened. How can he do that after such a display?
Looking at it from your worldview, you served the four guests first because that is polite. You then served yourself because your place setting was nearest to the food so that was practical. You served the narcissist last because he was furthest away and also you gave him more than the others since you didn’t have to save any of the food for anybody else, since everybody had been served. The evening had been proceeding in a friendly and pleasing fashion with everybody enjoying themselves. There is, from your worldview, no reason at all for this sudden display of temper.
He returns with no apology or sense of embarrassment at his behaviour and continues as if he has just been to the bathroom or to answer the door. He is pleasant and charming to both you and the guests. Again from your worldview, you are left puzzled by this behaviour. Who on earth behaves like that?
Now you apply the toxic logic and the reason is all too clear. By serving the narcissist last you told him through this action, which was not accompanied by any fuel, that he was not important. This was a criticism. This wounded him. His self-defence response to this wounding was the ignition of his fury. He could not keep it under control because of the type of narcissist that he is. The fury therefore manifested as heated fury. He tipped the plate to the floor spilling the food and breaking the plate. This caused drama and had all eyes on him. The guests were taken aback and their gasps of surprise and shock provided him with emotional attention, thus fuel. Your stunned reaction also provided him with fuel. He then walked out, drawing further emotional reaction from everybody assembled and in another room he has been able to draw on Thought Fuel as he imagines the ongoing reaction to his outburst. All of this fuel goes to the repair of the narcissistic wound that he has suffered. His fury will abate and he will return at some point as if nothing has happened.
Indeed, he returns, fury abated and is able to switch back without any show of concern to be charming and pleasant, thus drawing positive fuel from all those he is engaging with. Out of politeness, nobody mentions the incident, no doubt fearing a repeat performance.
This is but one example amongst millions that normal healthy people and empathic healthy people just cannot understand. Internally, those who witnessed the incident may be anxious, puzzled, pleased that it is over, wondering what caused it, wary of it happening again and a whole host of other thoughts. None of them will actually understand why it happened. It is only the application of the toxic logic that allows you to understand it.
So, what is this toxic logic? I shall example the main principles behind it. As you read these principles I know you will be thinking such thoughts as
But that is insane
That is ridiculous
Why live like that?
Can’t he or she see how crazy that looks?
Remember, it only appears that way because you are applying your own worldview to these principles. In order to understand and apply the toxic logic you have to let go of your logic – for the time being – and just accept that these are the principles we operate by. As I mentioned before, it is irrelevant whether you like them or agree with them. You should not feel any need to challenge them. You should just accept that this is the way that it is and once you do that, you will grasp why we are as we are. These are the principles of our toxic logic.
- Fuel is everything to us. It governs everything we do, whether by instinct or by calculation.
- Nothing is ever our fault. Nothing at all.
- We are entitled to do what we want, when we want, where we want, how we want and with whom we choose.
- You are the competition.
- Everybody is an appliance that yields fuel.
- If you do what we want, you are good.
- If you do not do what we want, you are bad.
- There is no middle, no grey, no inbetween.
- The end always justifies the means.
- We have no concept of remorse, guilt or a conscience.
- The world is against us.
- Anything that blocks, defies, challenges or calls into question our superiority is a criticism., if it is done without providing fuel.
- We hate criticism
- Criticism wounds us and ignites our fury.
- We must control our environment. Control is paramount to us.
- We do not recognise boundaries
- We have no empathy
- We mimic and copy to pretend we have certain emotions and feelings.
- We lie repeatedly.
- Fuel is everything to us – worth repeating.
This logic is toxic because the outcome is that you are manipulated. We abuse people, we use people, we trample on people and do so without any concerns at all for that person’s wellbeing. You will be considering such behaviour and outlook at odious and reprehensible and coming from an empathic individual that is entirely understandable.
Let us apply the toxic logic to another scenario.
You send your narcissist a text message asking when he will be coming home. You receive no reply. You text again. No reply. You ring. There is now answer. Your narcissist eventually appears at 2am when you are lying still awake in bed. There is no apology, no explanation and he says nothing to you but gets into bed and falls asleep. You are left worried, bewildered and upset.
From your world view you cannot understand why he did not respond to a perfectly reasonable text message. You cannot understand why he did not tell you he would be late. You know of no reason why he would stay out so late and not warn you. You find it hurtful and upsetting and you are confused because he is meant to love you and if someone loves someone then they do not behave this way. I have heard such comments many times.
Now apply the toxic logic.
The narcissist is entitled to do as he pleases. Thus if he wants to stay out, he can.
The narcissist is never to blame. Therefore, he feels no compulsion to warn you he will be late, to apologise for returning late or to offer any explanation.
Your text message sought to exert control over him. You are the competition. This is prohibited conduct.
The text message was not accompanied by fuel. By suggesting that he was beholden to you, this amounted to a perception of criticism by the narcissist. He felt wounded. Some narcissists could control the fury that is ignited and might have answered. This narcissist could not. His response was cold fury through a silent treatment. Hence the failure to reply and answer the ‘phone.
He gained Thought Fuel knowing that you would be concerned and worried at his failure to reply and him staying out late. This would heal the wound and abate the ignited fury.
He was justified treating you in this fashion because he is entitled and the end always justifies the means. Further, fuel is everything.
Thus, when looked at from the narcissist’s perspective, applying the toxic logic everything makes perfect sense to him, but viewed from your perspective it will not. The toxic logic will repeatedly explain to you why we suddenly erupt, go silent, suddenly apply the golden period again, why we carry on like normal afterwards, why we never apologise or if we do it is a false apology and so forth. Everything about what we say and do, how we behave and respond appears nonsensical, confusing and puzzling when looked at from your perspective. This means you give us fuel, try harder to please us, submit to our manipulations and remain in our grip. It also means that your empathic traits of needing to understand, wanting the truth, being good and decent and trying to help are catered for. Thus, sub-consciously, you are getting something you need from it, even though it is upsetting you, angering you or frustrating you. Our behaviour, lacking any logic in your world, keeps you where we want you and also caters for your empathic needs meaning you remain in place.
Every time something happens which perplexes you, you will suffer the consequences of our toxic logic. You are hurt, upset, mystified, anxious and so on. If, however, you apply our toxic logic to what has happened you will work out why it has happened. It is not always easy to do. it takes time to work it out. It takes discipline and repeated application in a way that is alien to you. You will not like it. You will not approve, but you will understand. Once you start to understand, you gain control. Once you start to understand, the toxic effects of being confused, bewildered and lost are ameliorated. Once you understand, you can begin to establish a way to deal with the application of this toxic logic so that the effects become less and less effective. You are then taking your first steps to freedom.
57 thoughts on “Toxic Logic”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
I reading your articles and I’m very interesting, this is the first time that I can read something from the inside of an aware narcissist that wants to explain how he feels and thinks. I can say you thank you.
I have been the lover of a married man. He knew me since I was a teenager and he knew that at that time I was in love with him (not reciprocated). He found me by chance (through a picture of my ex sister in law who is a friend of his wife) after 15 years since we met, and he filled me with lies to make me fall in its web. It seemed my ideal man, showed all the qualities that I ever wanted in a man and filled me with attentions … then the change of behaviour … from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. But I could not unhook, I was scared that he abandoned me, that he disappeared forever and he could very well hurt me deeply to. The behavior that he holds with his wife (they have been together for 16 years) instead is always from Dr. Jekyll, he continually flaunts love towards her (he has tattooed her name on his leg) and acts as Prince Charming, even as a doormat. Do you think that a narcissist can love a woman although he is not able to stay faithful?
I would like to ask you other things, could I send you a mail?
Thank you
Hello NOAH80, thank you for your message. Your situation is entirely typical. We can put on a grand show of apparent love which is entwined with our infidelity. Yes, by all means, write to me.
Hi HG Tudor, i wanted to read your blog two years ago. Two years of pain, insomnia, tears, anxiety and all that you know. I remember his grin when i cried or when he hurt me…the continuing disappearances and the returns that i waited with anxiety (i never knew if that was the last time that i saw him). Today i’m still not his toy but i’m a just a shadow of myself (also physically because i lost too much weight). The last times that he calls me was only to say me other lies and attack me or blame me when i show him that is another lie. Now i block his number and account on facebook just to act the no contact. But it is so hard to glue the pieces o me…especially that i know that i allowed all of this…i didn’t understand why… i didn’t understand the toxic logic…
I’m a psychologist but this thing not protected me…
Thank you to make me more aware about what happened.
Hello Noah and thank you for your post. You are most welcome. The important thing is that you know now and you are putting into practice what you are learning and understanding. Stick around, it will be worthwhile.
Great work HG!! This has articulated my thoughts and feelings from the past exactly! I WAS confused, with my head saying one thing, my disbelief saying another. My soul knew of these things, but my words couldnt describe them. If only I knew then, what I know now. Thank you…..Thank you!!!
You are welcome Lisa.
For 3 years I would ask many of those “why” questions. Why does he pull away after we had a nice time together? Why can’t he open up to me? Why did he stand me up? Why, why, why?!?! All it did was lead to silent treatments.
Now I just call him out on his lies and deception and I’m “nasty” and have nothing to offer him. He has “no more energy or interest in dealing with my accusations and the stories I create in my head”.
Although I can take a step back and process this differently, it is still an intense experience to go through with someone. If this becomes your daily life and emotional beat down, it really can turn you into an emotionless drone just getting through your day and just being able to handle simple, mundane tasks.
Off to the appliance heap I go. I can’t help but think it has to frustrate him that I don’t comply with lies and bs anymore.
I know something that they don’t know.
Do you know what it is I do know that they don’t know?
It is nice to be in the know.
You Know?
Hey HG, is that girl someone you know? Love her hair, you know.
Don’t hate the player, hate the Game. Toxic Games.
F**kers!
AH OH, that message is for you, you know?
If that is one of Mr. Tudor’s targets, then I have even greater admiration for him. She’s gorgeous.
Yet I believe he is extremely meticulous about keeping his identity hidden. Sure he teases us occasionally with a small glimpse. But never enough to reveal himself. Displaying a pic of fuel would be too sloppy. He is much more discreet.
It is not anybody I know. Yet.
A good defense for this behavior is to apply narcissistic traits. The mid left me in a restaurant for turning the tables literally and the waitress completely ignored him when we could not decide on hor d’oeuvre. She bought out my choice and completely dismissed him. He stood up purposely know over drinks. She look at me an said let me clean this up and Ms of will get you another drink immediately again dismissed him. I praised her and said she’s so helpful, and didn’t appear upset by your accident. He told me he had to make a call step outside and left:) Later he explained he had an emergency at work. Hahaha
Indeed Entertainment and this would work best in such a scenario with a Mid-Range Narcissist as he would not want to cause a huge scene but would end up withdrawing as was the case here. A Lesser would have erupted and lashed out at both you and the waitress with potentially most unpleasant consequences. The Greater would have ignored you and seduced the waitress (or someone at the next table). Thanks for sharing.
Hi Sir Tudor, Does HG Stand for Hot Gorgeous? No, you wouldn’t use Gorgeous. I asked a question as a comment in this topic. But it may not match this blog’s theme, so feel free to answer to my email if you don’t wish to post it. I know your email is … 1099 but not sure the exact one and don’t want to look through the blogs. The one thing I do regret with all of this, is how much thought space thinking of him has taken up in my mind for the last 2+ years. Some would have just brushed it off and moved on. I’ve dwelt way too much over it, but it’s how I am. I need to be so much more productive in other ventures. The way you describe it, narcs intend to have those hooks deep in our minds, but I don’t think my narc/psychopath really wanted that. 3 months into our relationship he dumped me, and texted something along the lines of not spending thought on him, to move on. Thank you, Kind Sir. Hot Gorgeous, etc.
Almost Question/Exclamation Mark, it stands for Hot Gorgeousness, but do not tell anyone, it is a huge secret, okay? It is often the case that we occupy much of your thoughts, this is by design and we rely on it. This provides us with Thought Fuel, it panders to our sense of superiority and omnipotence and it stops you making sense of things because you invariably dwell on everything by looking at it through your worldview and not from our perspective as I explained in Toxic Logic.
Won’t tell a soul. No one will know, Sir Hot Gorgeousness Tudor. Yes, he said I was addicted. He knew all he was doing, but hard for me to grasp that he did that, knowing how very sweet I was. He once said he wanted me to crave him sexually, how he designed it, but here he was craving me more.
I’ve been wondering if HG stands for “His Grace”? 🤗
I have learned how to get my narcs attention when he gives me the silent treatment. I’ve figured out some of the logic. But I like pleasing him.
HG,
Sitting here at your table wondering why you don’t put on your rose colored glasses and be able to see the joy and happiness coming your way? Because everyone knows that if you have rose colored glasses on, oh what a wonderful world. Why don’t you put those glasses on because I left my night vision goggles next to my golden lasso in my invisible plane.
I was never given the rose tinted spectacles. They were crushed under foot when I was a small boy as you shall read about in an article about the absence of the old rose tinters.
Okay. Let’s both put on our beer goggles instead and gaze at each other.
You pop the goggles on and I will just give this mirror a quick polish.
I love humorous HG. 😗Puts a puffy lipped smile on my face.
Of course you do, how could you not.
Do you know that I know that you know?
I know that you know that I know. He knows nothing. She knows even less. They might know but let’s not tell them.
😔 I’m sorry Mr. Tudor. I wish I could nurture you and give you all the loving that you were deprived of when you were young. But then again I also wish I could hug a Siberian tiger. I predict both wishes have a fatal outcome.
HG, I know this is reaching deep here, but it is coming of time, if it does not cause any negative triggers for you head – completely understand if not but warning – pertains to MatriNarc:
Will it ever be possible for you to come to terms and love your Mother or will she always be the hate you carry forward towards women based on the fear of her love?
I have encouraged love of her to my stepsons. My stepson who heeded my advice is healing. The other is the of whom I originally came here for. He told me he always loved her but that love is fear – to be chosen to represent fear of love. He told me he wanted her to love him, and assumed that was love was so thought it to be no difference. But he won’t go back like his brother and choose – as you are a grown man, I ask you because I don’t want to push too hard but this was his discussion yesterday…mom wants them for Halloween and he said: “It is no different with her on Halloween or any other day. I always wear must wear a mask.”
It broke my heart, which is why I ask this question…do you think you would able to conquer these feelings as a self-aware?
Again, I know, I am reaching deep but this just happened and I don’t want to give the wrong advice. I don’t know how this happened but really appreciate your consideration in responding.
I cannot love MatriNarc.
1. I do not know how to (in the sense by which you understand it); and
2. She does not deserve it. At all.
What I am and what she did is far too deep-rooted other than to have the outcome which I have planned for her. As for others who find themselves in such a situation, it may well be different especially those who are still at a formative stage.
HG, what is the outcome that you have planned for her (gulp)? Could you forgive her even though she does not deserve it if she was to ask you?
I am not at liberty to say at this juncture as it may well jeopardise my plans. I will write about when it happens.
No she is not to be forgiven. I do not do forgiveness.
I would not want to be MatriNarc…
To this, I’ll say the thing I whispered so often to my sleeping daughter about her narc father.
I’m so sorry she was your mother and if I could change that for you, I would.
I’ve since done the only thing I could for this daughter and my other children. Hopefully in time to make a difference.
I do hope the good doctors are helping you find something like peace.
How was your weekend, Sir Tudor? Full of lots of narc manipulations and lovely ladies?? From your perspective, why should I not (or should I?) send copies of Thief’s court documents (sex w/ child, signed statements that he has unusual sexual interest in young girls, etc.) to his 3rd wife anonymously, along with statement that he’s cheated on her for years? She has known him at least 4 years, visited him in jail, married him 1 week out of jail. I’m not going to for a myriad of reasons, but it’s heavy on my mind to do so. Would love your perspective. (Even if I did, I’d have to have it arrive innocently to her address in Mexico as he could be checking mail.) And it’s not to protect her: I want her to know as I think she has to be so stupid to not have figured all this out. I keep thinking she must be so happy with him and all wonderful in her life. She must be so in love. Wouldn’t his mask slip? Wouldn’t her friends and family pick up on anything? Drives me nutty. I appreciate that you welcome our venting. I do know that God will deal with it all and He deals with things in amazing ways. I’m needing to be patient as it will be dealt with, and joyful in my own life.
I would consider why he continues to weigh heavy in your mind and look at concentrating on expelling him from your life as opposed to consuming your thoughts and energy with what he is doing now. That stated, if you wished to supply such information to her, (I am assuming he has been convicted and these statements are not susceptible to challenge) then you could do so and she would then have a decision to make. Of course, you would be wondering what she is doing with the information and in turn you are allowing him to occupy your mind still.
Wouldn’t his mask slip? Probably but in the way that you once did not know what you were dealing with, she is unlikely to and will not understand that this is a mask slipping.
Wouldn’t her friends and family pick up on anything? Yes, it may seem obvious to you, but not to them and they are caught in his spell, his facade etc as you once probably were.
You can do it but you may not know the outcome which will gnaw away at you and to my mind hinder your own progress. If it causes her to get out, then you have saved her from experiencing the worst of him, but the chances of her doing so may be slim, after all, she will be likely to deny what she sees (believe me it happens) and he will also be trotting out the excuses, being plausible and deflecting from it all.
I think on balance you would be better served concentrating on you. You appear to have escaped him, don’t allow him to occupy your mind further.
You are always welcome to vent and thank you for posting an interesting scenario for me to comment on.
If I didn’t know better I’d say your stalking me HG haha
Confusion was the tool used this weekend by my soon to be ex husband. At a family Halloween party, I go early so he can visit his son, he starts in on how I get free money I don’t work for and didn’t earn (alimony). It gets ugly, we actually argued in front of family. That has never happened. Then he moves the conversation into somewhere more private. Cools down and tells me sorry. Then says he’ll never close the door on us because he doesn’t want to since I was a good wife. I just wanted closure. Of course that’s a joke with him. He leaves his visit short saying I made him feel so bad when I mentioned his absence from our son. But then the next day I get a text that says he’s with his girlfriend now and wants to see where it goes and build something with her and he just wants time with our son and to be a good father and that’s it.
Ugh!! I am like the best fuel source ever. Why can’t I just not react and not care?!
That list of 20 is the best and needs to be put on a poster and put up in every mental health facility. Just like you say, understanding that logic has put me on the steps to freedom. I soak up all the knowledge that you give us and it does so much for me.
I am too familiar with this… years of dealing with it teaches you how to get what you seek when getting to the point doesn’t work.
You want fuel and I want a response…
I learned that if I wanted to know what time the exN would be home I entice him with a “Baby, what would like for dinner?” I get a response… then I continue with, ” Perfect, do you know about what time you will be home so I can have it nice and ready for you?”
I know the sweet “I love yous” in the middle of a work day receive nothing… or maybe an “I’m busy”… very harsh, you can type that but can’t seem to muster up something sweet. :/ So instead of expecting anything in return I would find something cute and funny that would get his attention, I would get a response and send it with a kiss or heart… it garnished a response every time and even a little sugar sprinkled on top.
I always received what I wanted when I made it cater to his needs… to be fair… when you love you compromise and even if I had to compromise 90% I knew how to get what I wanted as well.
You may have spent years learning about us, but we too CAN learn quickly and apply it to keep what we want. The question is, how long are we willing to work super hard for someone who won’t work hard enough for our fuel?
Lol that’s what I used to do!!
Ha, so we have the master manipulating narcissists and now, the shiny and new master manipulating, but with love, empaths!
I guess when you end up with the same type of people over and over again you make it work and since we are so flexible we will make it work towards our advantage as well!
Welcome to the new breed of Empaths HG…
Hi DC. We’ve spent years learning about them too. We didn’t have a name or diagnosis, but we knew all about their mannerisms. Like you said, you knew what it took to get a positive response from him. I’m sure you also knew exactly how to kick off his rage. We’ve learned the intricacies of their likes and dislikes, and adjusted ourselves as they changed continously. We know how they take their coffee, how they want their clothes folded, and how to make them tick. Dare I say, I’ve even learned a thing or two about how to get Mr. Tudor to respond quickly or not at all.
LOL… I do agree!
I don’t know about HG… I read, watch the reactions and learn… HG is too virtual reality for me.
We may have the knowledge, but we must apply our newly learned skills with the same intent as the narc. Even then it’s temporary; we may know the buttons to push but are we willing to go the extra step to become calculating, manipulative, and selfish like them? Can we identify our motives ? How far are we willing to go? What are our expectations? If we decide to expose we must identify upfront why? I didn’t want mine back, I tested the waters because I no longer cared or worried about the next woman. I felt empowered from all I learned here and from books. My desire was to seek revenge although it was temporary. I don’t expect the continued hoovers due to injury I was able to inflict on both lesser and lesser to mid range I encountered. Hell, now I play Pokémon go. I discover what/who they are in the end theres no winners. No Pokémon 😊
Toxic logic holds the individual they have emotionally and otherwise manipulated somewhat of a “hostage” to pleasing them? This goes hand in hand with the “but” or the “false promises” – all attempts to keep the individual in their “place”… I must say, while fascinating I cannot help to feel sorry for people who can’t tell the difference between functional behavior and this toxicity. It is emotional abuse. The silent treatment and the rages must be awful. HG you have shed so much light on what counselors all over the world try to ascertain. Most narcissistic individuals refuse to hold themselves accountable and certainly lack a sense of accountability for hurting others and I venture to say at times, even fail to see that they are the problem because that would cause further narcissistic injury.
Well put DLL.
Lucky for us the “I just survived a Narc-Clear holocaust” look is in this year.
Now that is pin sharp humour. Take a bow BE. Take a bow (but don’t stay in the spotlight too long!)
Why thank you.
But it’s not the spotlight I’m after.
Oh my goodness. This is better than Latin soap operas!
Bloody Elemental, pray tell, what are you after?
Inquiring minds have been wanting to know for a looooooong long time now.
HG, if we are able to see your world and do as you say, the N still would not be loyal to you? correct? still do what they want when they want etc? Then what is the point of trying?
Correct, but then you would understand what is happening, this would mean you would suffer less, you would not be repeatedly trying to get answers from somebody who won’t give them to you, you won’t be trying to help or heal that person knowing this, you will have the fog cleared and thus you will be able to move forward, stronger and with knowledge. By keeping you confused, we keep you trapped.
How do we start the process of not asking ourselves why? What can I tell myself? Please help me understand how to stop this. I don’t know where to start. I’ve been reading a lot if this, but I can’t grasp it. You are writing my life and I see it. But I don’t know how to stop the spinning. I know I need to. How do you stop loving them?
By understanding that what you love is actually an illusion. By understanding that you are regarded as an appliance. By understanding that all that matters is fuel. By understanding that the cycle will always continue and will not change. To understand all of this, you must read and then little by little you will start to cross the emotional sea by applying logic and understanding and you will use logic and understanding to process out the emotion. It takes time and effort but it is achievable.
Thank you. I will keep reading. I’m seeing a pattern that there is this relentless need to want to know why. Want to understand how… How one can simply turn off the emotions. It seems impossible to believe his actions which seemed to heartfelt were fake. I may never fully understand it. I’m thinking that I’m going to have to try to teach myself that I don’t need to know why. Push all of the good memories out.
My children (not his), his own son and myself have all been abused both verbally and physically. Your articles and comment above may have helped save our lives. I can’t thank you enough for helping.
You will get the answers by reading, it is whether you accept them and that takes time, often a long time. You have a way forward available to you however. You are welcome. Do keep reading and contributing.
Yes, you could not be more correct. Accepting it is going to be very hard. I love him. And its hard to grasp that he thrives more on our arguments and my misery. This is not going to be easy. I will keep reading. I’m glad I found this. Thank you again
Yes Yes Yes! I know these rules… I think and try to apply them bit by bit every day… I’ll get there one day.