Where Has He Gone?
The relationship had hit a rocky patch, albeit describing it as such would actually understate the manner in which our relationship has progressed as of late. It would be more accurate to describe it as a series of peaks and troughs. The devaluation began and the unpleasant behaviour has worsened. There have been peaks when we granted you respite from the denigration and abuse, the brief reinstatement of the golden period, before you were plunged once again into another trough of bewildering and upsetting treatment. Each descent seemed steeper and harsher than the preceding one. You hung in there, clinging on to the prospect of another glimpse of the golden period. Perhaps this time you would be able to hold onto it? After all, you must be doing something correctly mustn’t you if you can get the golden period to return? If only you could work out what was necessary to cause it to return and then for it to remain, then everything would be wonderful again. It is this eternal hope, which we rely on and that we stoke, which causes you to hold on even whilst you are being spun around, pushed and pulled and driven to despair.
This tumultuous period has persisted and then suddenly we have gone. We did not return when you expected us. The repeated telephone calls you have made have resulted in a ringtone but nobody answers. You have left repeated voicemail messages and you have sent numerous text messages, each with mounting desperation, begging and pleading for us to get in touch. You have called friends who have not been unable to assist in locating us. You even called the local police and hospital to ascertain if we had been arrested or we were being treated following a fall or a road accident, but those enquiries have drawn a blank as well. You have checked our online presence and there is nothing that shows any activity there since we disappeared. Messages do not even show as read. There is no indicator of us being online for over twenty hours now. It is as if we have vanished from the face of the earth.
People may regard this as the discard. This moment when we just cease all contact with you and disappear. It certainly feels like you have been discarded. As the hours turn into days and you still have heard nothing, you feel like we have just gone elsewhere without caring about telling you, providing you with some kind of explanation or even being concerned about the effect this disappearing act has had on you. Although this sudden cessation by our kind has gained popular description as the discard, a more accurate way of describing it would be to call it the pause.
This is because although we have vanished and we give the appearance of having ended the relationship, in our minds it has not ended. I have mentioned before that from the moment you are engaged by us, you have accepted an unwritten contract that you will be bound to us, in some way, until one of us dies. The nature of this binding, this connection will vary dependent on the various stages of the relationship. During seduction we will have many tendrils wrapped around you as we bind you tight to us and this continues during the golden period. The tendrils will unravel and then tighten again during the devaluation stage and then nearly all will release you when the “discard” occurs. You may not see us, you may not hear from us, you may have no contact at all with us, but in our mind there still remains some tendrils between us. A handful may still remain for the purpose of gathering fuel. Even though we cannot see your desperation and your despair, we know that this is what you will be experiencing and this provides us with fuel. Accordingly, there remains an intangible connection between us still. Even when those fuel tendrils loosen, it remains the case that there will be at least one left which will remain for however long is necessary before more tendrils come looking for you again as we unpause the hiatus and hoover you.
Accordingly, it may appear that we have discarded you but that is not actually the case. We have pressed pause so that we can halt that relationship. At some point we will return and press play again. You may have moved on in terms of your life, trying to heal and to piece things together again. We regard the relationship just as it was before we disappeared. That is why we often behave like nothing has happened. When we do re-appear we display an astonishing tendency to carry on as normal, as if the hiatus of months, maybe even years, did not actual happen. This is because from our perspective there has been no hiatus. We paused our dealings with you and now they can continue. Whatever else has gone on in between is irrelevant and does not need to be discussed. This capacity to behave in such a manner leaves you bewildered and amazed but this is entirely how we regard matters when we do such a disappearing act. All we have done is press pause and you are expected to be ready and waiting for when we come back and press play again.
So where do we go when this happens? The simple answer is that something shinier, brighter and more interesting has gained our attention. Just like how a child can be playing with building bricks and then when a toy with noises and flashing lights is waved under his or her nose, the child wants the new toy and immediately forgets about the reliable building bricks, we are the same. We will have been cultivating and courting this new toy and when we deem that it is superior to you we want to play with it all the time. We do not want to play with you anymore. When we seduced you, we made you feel like nothing else in the world mattered and you were the centre of our universe. This is now happening with your replacement. This more effective appliance has been chosen over you and in order to ensure that the seduction is totally effective and the fuel is obtained in huge amounts all attention must be focused on the new arrival. We will have moved between the two of you for a period of time (although you may not know this was happening) as we evaluated the prospects of the positive fuel from them against the continuing negative fuel from you. We enjoy receiving both but then the decision is made that the positive is going to be in copious amounts and therefore we switch to wanting this all the time and you are forgotten about, although not forever.
When this pause happens we will be concentrating on the new primary source of fuel that we have selected. The seduction had already begun. This is now the golden period for us and her. Just like the one you had. For this to continue the binding and the fuel provision all our efforts must be concentrated on her and not you. All resources are shifted to this front and you are forgotten about. It seems as if you never existed but we have not pressed stop. You do not get away that easily. We pressed pause so that you were shunted to one side so we could ensure that nothing got in the way of the coupling up with the new appliance. We will be taking them to places, whisking them away, spending lots of time at their house, just as we once did with you. That is where we have gone to. We have gone to someone else and have done it with the intensity and totality as we once did with you.
Do not despair however. We will be back to press play again. When might that be? You will be given no clue but the temptation of fresh hoover fuel will mean that pause becomes play, although it is more likely to feel like rewind to you as it all starts again.
22 thoughts on “Where Has He Gone?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
HG if you don’t mind me asking, what’s the longest you have stayed with a person in an intimate relationship, before you discarded and new fuel came into play?
Hello Nikki, four years.
Does life have meaning for you? In any of the ways it does to someone else with feelings?
It is different for me because of the way I have been created.
HG just because you have hit pause… is there a favorite supply that you think of often and miss the most? Would that mean you would try to Hoover just because you thought of them?
Curious as to we nons have maybe our best relationship that we miss. I know Ns miss differently but the idea is the same.
There have been exceptional appliances in terms of the fuel provided but I do not think of them often. I may well try to hoover that particular appliance if they enter a sphere of influence, cause a hoover trigger and the Hoover execution Criteria is met.
I don’t miss them. There might be occasions where I miss the fuel, but it is fleeting because there is always other fuel available for me.
He left on Sunday. No explanation. Won’t answer my calls. Texts me that he is busy. He does this every three months it seems. Why do I still want him back? My heart is so broken.
Bash Girl,
Time is the healer of all wounds…and I am sorry you are sad 🙁 HG tells us to go No Contact, but if you have been fortunate enough to get a discard, you are probably in the safest place possible because it’s in the Narcissist’s control so there is less fury – so pat yourself on the back for a job well done and don’t be glum!
HG tells us that it’s isn’t real love…but if you are sure that you are in a discard, you are, probably, in the best position possible. So take this time to prepare for the next hoover, read HG, clear your social media accounts, start afresh…be grateful you know you are in a discard!!
But on second thought…I am not quite sure of my own advice so shall consult with the True Guru….
HG, is this advice solid?
There is force in it Sarah, yes.
@bashgirl, keep reading you will find all your answers and hopefully it will help you continue with no contact on your on accord. Once, you identify what you are dealing with it will make it a lot easier to begin healing. HG, is forthcoming and some posts are raw. Take the information as learning experience and none of it personal. Good Luck
I really liked the analogy of pause, play, and repeat. That’s exactly how it felt and you show us again how you see us as appliances. Another game that you hold the remote control to. Clever way of explaining it.
I often wondered why it can be so good for a while and think he was changing. He would be giving, loving, sweet but then the minute one lil thing triggered him. It was a horrible mean streak n disrespect. N I was being blamed. I hope this ass doesn’t come back ever but I’m ready!!!! I’m ready for his sick ass!!!
This make some feel sick. Have re posted on my face book page if that is ok.
By al means Disn so long as I am credited as author.
The painful reality is just that. And the why’s don’t even matter anymore. It was an illusion and the clarity only comes if you let it. So desperate to hold on to a glimpse of false hope. You have to love yourself enough to know the narc is not worthy of the love and time and effort you have invested. Accept the pain and let it bleed. Cry and let it out. Grieve but don’t unpack and live there. Someone who can truly appreciate you is out there waiting to find you. The narc will never know what they lost nor do they deserve to know. They will always be an empty shell filled with other people’s emotions, to frightened to experience real love. However, the victim can still find and feel all the love that their heart can hold and give with someone who is real. Golden periods don’t last so don’t run back to what broke you. Narc’s really only have the power they are given. Take it back.
What happens when they do the discard and you move on with someone else? How do they deal with that?
At the outset we are unconcerned because we will be pre-occupied with the new primary source. Over time, if you enter the sphere of influence and we know you are with somebody else it depends on the type of narcissist. The Lesser and Mid-Range will not like it but May see it as an obstacle and thus it raises the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria.If other factors work in their favour they will hoover and spilt the relationship. The Greater will relish the fuel and the challenge of hoovering you and fucking up your relationship.
But we are not all pining away while you are gone. Some of us go about our business knowing you will return. We are fine with the break and do not agonize. We know that the golden period with your new toy will be short lived and that she is hardly the fuel that we have provided in the past and can deliver again. That is why you return. Some of us picture you twisting and turning and and smile knowing when you do appear again that it is we who have the power and can decide if and when we will provide you the fuel (we will), what type of fuel (positive or negative), and in what amounts ( copious or just enough to keep you). Indeed some of us are just waiting…..
Yes yes yes NarcAngel! Very well said! They do themselves a disservice by leaving. Its better they keep us because otherwise the spell breaks. We heal and wisen up in their abscence.
Very harsh! Informative though. You must have known I was beginning to miss him! Thanks HG.
TRUTH. Only problem is I have tremendous respect for myself, after the first discard…. I was lost, confused and broken… the second discard i filed for divorce, someone who could walk away From a good marriage and not speak to his children for months on end, put the home in forclousure ( the house is in his name only, lol I still live in it with the kids) I know that is not normal… the fury that resulted from the divorce papers was horrible… tried and tried again to “make up” with me… he went so far as yonhire a PI to follow me, I knew that someone was following me immediately .. ( he wasn’t very good) he didn’t get what he wanted so he lied and charges me with a domestic battery .. in which he lost in court . Don’t get me wrong , I was unbelievably distraught … but somehow managed to continue to push on and do what needed to be done, with friends and some family I was able to remaine the good hearted, loving person and mother I have always been..I’m so throughly LOVING this ‘blog !!! HD you are the best !! Educating and being forthcoming with these ways of behavior….good job!! ( you deserve that fuel for sure 😘💯
Hello AD, thank you for your kind words and I am pleased you are finding the blog to be useful and interesting reading for you. Your experiences as detailed in your post and indeed entirely common when dealing with a divorce from our kind.