Tirade
“You’ve done what? I cannot believe it. What on earth possessed you to do that? Are you mad? Are you completely unhinged woman? Sweet Jesus I don’t believe what you just said to me. How many times have we been over this before? Countless times. Hell, I said it only yesterday didn’t I? I cannot believe you would be so stupid as to do something like this, it just beggars belief. You know I am starting to think that you do this on purpose don’t you? It’s no good shaking your head and staring at me like that, do you think I will feel sorry for you if you give me those eyes? Do you? I said DO YOU? Yes, you may as well shake your head again, it’s about as much as someone of your idiocy can do. I swear I am living with an epsilon semi-moron, have you always been this fucking dumb? I guess you have. It was such a simple thing to do, straight forward, a child could do it, but no not you, you had to go and be clever and go and royally fuck it up. You absolute idiot. You have ruined everything now; you do realise that don’t you? I mean it is completely ruined and how about that for a fantastic start eh? Yes, I am being sarcastic, I suppose I have to explain that to someone as brain dead as you. Jesus, why on earth have I been saddled with you. Don’t you fucking dare speak when I am speaking, you’ve done enough damage as it is, you will shut the fuck up and listen to me when I am setting you straight. I have pointed out to you so many bloody times what you should do and you assured me, you stood there and assured me that you knew what you were doing. That was a lie. I SAID SHUT UP AND DON’T INTERRUPT ME! I swear you want me to hit you don’t you? That’s what you are trying to do. Oh I know you alright, you think you are so damn clever but I have you worked out. I know what you are up to. That’s right, wind me up, get it wrong, disappoint and frustrate me and then you want me to explode and land myself in some hot water. Well it isn’t going to work with me. I am not stupid. I am not you, you know. I know what I am doing. I am the one that keep this place together, you would do well to remember that when you are busy ruining everything with your mind-blowing and monumental incompetence. It is breath taking. It truly is. I told you what to do. I told you once, I told you a hundred times and you said to me and I can specifically remember what you said, you said ‘don’t worry, I can be trusted to get it right’. Yes, that is what you said. It is no point looking like that, don’t pull that face with me, don’t you fucking dare, I am sick of you not showing me enough respect around here. I work my backside off to keep things afloat, not that you give me any credit for it though. Oh no, you are too busy taking the piss, fucking things up and spoiling it for everyone and especially for me. I don’t know what I am going to do now. I mean, you’ve just, I, I am almost lost for words. You see, not only have you cocked it right up but you have lied to me as well. I don’t know which is worse, but that’s you all over isn’t it. The liar, the deceiver, you flatter to deceive. Don’t think I don’t know what you get up to. I have my eye on you, yes, you would do well to look worried, I know all about you. What are you looking over there for? Look at me when I am talking to you. Look. At. Me. Oh here we go, the waterworks. If you have messed up and you are being corrected start crying and it will be all okay again. Well it won’t will it? It won’t be okay after what you have done. It won’t be fine. It won’t be good or great or fine and dandy. You have messed it up. I knew this would happen. I knew I shouldn’t have left it to you, but do you know what, I thought to myself, no, give her a chance, let her prove she can do it, let he demonstrate that she can be trusted to get it right, I mean, after all, that is what a relationship is all about isn’t it? Trust. Without trust there is nothing. Do you see what you have done? Do you? Do you really understand the impact of what you have done? Somehow I doubt it, that is why I am having to do this. Do you think I like shouting at you? What’s that? Were you going to nod then? Why you ungrateful and nasty bitch, you have some cheek to accuse me of enjoying this when I am the one who has to put up with the consequence of your outrageous incompetence. I am the one who is put out. I am the one who has to suffer. You will just walk away muttering about having understood, how you have learned your lesson and you won’t do it again but I may as well be speaking in Mandarin for all of the notice that you take. I told you to stop crying. If you don’t stop crying, I am going to seriously lose it with you. Christ, what am I going to do? You’ve messed it up and ruined it for me. You don’t care, you don’t. If you did care you wouldn’t keep doing this would you. You wouldn’t keep making these mistakes and winding me up. You are trying to send me to an early grave aren’t you so you can have all this to yourself aren’t you? Got some fancy man on the side have we? I bet that’s what this is all about isn’t it? Ruin me through your incompetence and then waltz off into the sunset with some Johnny Come Lately after I croak it, sent to an early grave by your scheming. You’d love that wouldn’t you, to see me off. You nasty cow, no wonder nobody likes you, no wonder nobody asks you out. Oh yes, we never get invited anywhere these days because of you and your behaviour and is it any wonder. You are a walking disaster area. I mean people put up with you, they did it for my sake, I have good friends like that, or should I say I had good friends like that but thanks to you they are disappearing like rats on a sinking ship. You won’t be happy will you until you have completely ruined everything for me will you. That’s what you want. You want me on my knees, gasping for breath, miserable and wretched as you cavort and carry on with some other mug that you have seduced and promised the world to. I can’t believe I fell for it, but then I guess you keep the real you hidden don’t you, tucked away until you have your feet under the table, your name on the deeds and the joint Amex account. Well you are not that clever because you won’t beat me. I am cleverer than you. I am going to make you pay for what you have done. I am the one who is in charge here, this is my house and you do what I say. I am going to unleash hell against you after this catastrophe, it is an outrage, a complete outrage. I pity our neighbours having to put up with this, but you make me do it, it is all about you. I am not fooled by the frightened looks and the tears, other people might be taken in by it, but I am not. I know it is all for show. You disgust me, you scheming, manipulative, hateful cow. I curse the day I met you. Now look, you’ve made me late, thanks a bunch, that’s all I need. I’m going and don’t think I’ve finished; this is far from over.”
Silence.
“I thought you would prefer raspberry jam to marmalade,” you say softly to nobody in particular.
43 thoughts on “Tirade”
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B, I’m going on 8 months. The longest he’s gone without talking to me is 3 days. The last one i got I apologized and said I’ll just wait. Next day he text me. His biggest thing is putting me off. It had been over a week that I had been w him. He text me and wanted me to go to him and of course I couldn’t. I told him I had to leave for work in 15 mins. He came into my work walked by me smiled then went to someone else. Ugh. Now it’s going on almost 2 weeks. I hate this. I’m losing my mind not having him touch me. I crave him in the worst way possible. When and if he sees me again I’m probably gonna let go w him just touching me. He is a drug to me. As much as I hate going this long, when I do get to be w him it’s beyond anything you can imagine. He’ll torment me too when He gets his hands on me. Lol
Oh yes Angel, I could imagine. I know that feeling very well. You are lucky they don’t last that long. I did end up hearing from mine and spent the night with him. I just wanted to lay there in his arms forever. I knew as soon as I left him that the silent treatment would go back into effect. I was right. I hate that I have such strong feelings for him and I wish I had never met him.
B. I went back and read my messages several times. I let my friends read them. None of us saw anything wrong or bad about them. I didn’t feel in the wrong. I told him I had never done anything bad or wrong to him to deserve what he was putting me through. That’s when I got ignored for a couple more days. Finally I apologized. But for what I don’t know. HG, he has total control over me. I would do anything this man wants me to do. Today I had a friend tell me it’s funny I’m still there with him. He said I have self destructive tendencies. Not sure how to take that lol.
Angel, how long have you been with him? I have been with mine a little over a year with many silent treatments between. I can’t even count how many times I have apologized for his wrong doings just to avoid the silent treatment, but it doesn’t matter what you say or how many times you apologize you can’t stop it. They have already planned it and will find anything to put it in place even if they have to make up a reason. That’s what I have found anyway. I have been on silent treatment for two months now and during that time I have read, read, and read some more. I had decided to accept what he is and move on… no contact right? Sounds easy when they’re not talking to you. He broke the silent treatment last night and I received my first text “Sup” then four minutes later “Nvm”. Last night was also the first night I didn’t just sit at home by myself. It was my first step in moving on. Funny how his timing is always perfect like that. I held strong and didn’t reply last night, but I admit that I had a weak moment and replied this morning “How have you been?” of course I haven’t heard anything back. I’m sure it was just a reminder that I am still on silent treatment and making me guess if I’m blocked again. It is a vicious cycle that never ends.
The first time he gave me the silent treatment I got mad. I text him and told him I thought he was better than that to pull this crap on me. He responded and told me I was absolutely clueless. I told him that was harsh. He’s like did you even read your texts good grief. He didn’t talk to me for another couple of days. I text him and apologized. He told me he was never upset and it was like this never happened. The other instance was when I was telling him about how my friends warned me against him and told me things that he had done. He denied all. I’m like they’re my friends they want what’s best for me. He said if they’re your friends and want what’s best for you they will shut their fu**ing mouths. Both times I was shocked. He had never talked like that to me. I didn’t know what to think. But I’m still there
Angel, Every time I was clueless to what I had done, he would always say “Go back and read all the messages.” I would go back and read them over and over, but it never explained anything other than him being a complete jerk. HG, what is the purpose of this? Just to keep us confused I am guessing?
It is done by exerting control, never giving you an answer so you hang on and also creating the false hope that you will find an answer in those messages and satisfy you empathic trait of needing to understand. All the while you remain confused, emotional and do not move forward, keeping you susceptible to control and the provision of fuel.
Thank you for the answer HG.
In a year’s time I got 3 major tirades, lasting hours or even days, mostly over text, once over the phone (verbally). Yelling so much I could barely make out what he was saying.
Otherwise abuse was mostly covert.
Is the rage manufactured? Or do you feel it is a genuine injury? Once, during the tirade, after enough apologies and promises on my end, his rage ended as quickly as it began, like a switch.
No the rage is not manufactured, Sail Away, we manufacture anger (which is different – see the book Fury) for the purposes of control and to provoke you, but the rage is a consequence of the ignition of the fury which is churning away beneath the surface. In your instance, the rage ended because your apologies and other responses provided fuel which then acted to heal the wound that had arisen and been the catalyst for the rage.
Tantrum.
Tantrum.
Id get the tirade too. Not too often because the silent treatment and snears worked just as well for him. I couldnt bare it however when he lashed out at his poor scapegoat brother like this. In a private setting usually with all his drinking buddies around. His brother is THE most gentle soul. A true gentleman that just went with it and barely said a word. The look of shock and horror on peoples faces, and yet they still turned up, week after week. I got out. Just could not do ‘it’ anymore. Thanks HG. Spot on as always.
You are welcome Lisa.
Though those are your words HG, I could hear ex narcs voice shouting them at me .. very powerful . Shouting me down was always a precursor to what was about to follow . ….
Paddington Bear likes marmalade. I do not like marmalade… my mother used to MAKE me eat it in my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches… I prefer Boysenberry.
What breaks your anger?
Towards the end I used to be able to break the tirade and calm him although I am not sure if it was the silence I gave him while he yelled, the non reactive facial expression or when he was done the fact that I would act like it never happened and show him that I still loved him.
Was it even me or was it because there was no reaction to his tirade?
First and most importantly I have learned what a Boysenberry is which was rather interesting. I had never come across it before. I suppose I am a purist when it comes to my berries rather than these mongrel types!
What breaks my anger? I am assuming you mean my fury (as this is more than anger) and you mean what stops it? The answer is fuel. It heals the wound caused by your criticism which resulted in the ignition of my fury. It is all set out in Fury which is an important work for understanding the narcissistic dynamic.
It was the fact that you showed him that you loved him, that gave him fuel.
I did read fury, it was one of the first books I read. The fury was what was tearing me apart while I was still with the exN… I was hoping I could learn to better curb, by understanding, the physical anger but he would be in a place too far away in those moments.
Fury is an excellent read and probably why I understand it more but I still have a hard time relating it to what I’ve been through ONLY because my mind still doesn’t want to believe that y’all lack the ability to really love. The façade is too sweet.
I’ve had many of those lectures. Usually only heard about half of what he said. I just took my mind somewhere elses and threw in a couple of nods here and there to look as if I was listening.
Raspberry jam today… strawberry jam tomorrow.
I have these outbursts…you never know when or why, but the pent-up rage must come out sometimes. I always feel better after I let it out (whoever I dump all over feels shitty), and so while it’s childish, it’s satisfying.
HD. Is it possible for a person to not be a complete narcissist until later in life when triggered by his cheating spouse with his best friend?? Ex wife says he was amazing n most of their marriage was great n never emotionally abusive. So now I’m so confused cause he has so many characteristics of a narcissist.
Jonny, no the narcissism originates from childhood development. the fact that he was amazing and then he was not, of course is the hallmark of the narcissistic dynamic. How long was the amazing period for? It sounds like she had a particularly and unusually long golden period.
In the 2 1/2 years I was only yelled at three times. The one time I got in trouble for talking to someone else about her.
Then I was to meet her at a pool hall and she screamed at me that I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I was at my daughter’s school play. She left the bar and presumably got in an accident. It was my fault of course. I always believed that story was made up too. Another incident that never added up.
The third time I saw the mask slip. She was extremely mean. Nothing I had ever seen. I had no idea what was happening. I was looking at a different person. The two times she had some alcohol in her. She was mostly very friendly when she was drinking. Do you think she was wounded before drinking to cause that much of a tirade?
Undoubtedly SW she will have been wounded in order for her to launch into a tirade and it would appear that alcohol exacerbated the effect.
And then the IP’s pay and are left to pick up the pieces. Because it’s always our fault.
You are the best teacher I have ever had. I learn something everyday.
Thank you SW, I cannot disagree but still it is always extremely gratifying to read that.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. She’s clearly not the woman for you. I know you enjoy strawberry jam above all else.
Actually it is raspberry jam. With the pips.
Of course it is. That’s exactly what I said.
You seem to be in quite a punishing mood today 😉
Well as you know, I steal the traits.
Stolen from me stolen from you..where does it begin and end?
i cannot tell where you begin and I end. You are my soulmate.
Is that my humor or yours?
Mine.
So it’s ours?
Mine.
Hmm, I guess I just wish I was that funny. Perhaps I can borrow your mirror sometime.
Is this typical of all narcissists to yell & berate with disgraceful words? Ill admit my experience was without a word or raised voice. He would glare down his nose from his dead eyes with a controlled pinpoint accuracy of a sniper shot laser beam straight to my heart draining every ounce of emotional energy my blood would run cold Sobbing with fear his response NOTHING not a word ever as my emotions released this elevated my fear my tearing words met with a blank stare of death…
No. I rarely raise my voice as I find that the glare, the hissed couple of words or a whispered threat are more in keeping with what I am and are just as effective. There are those who launch into a tirade and they tend to be Lesser Narcissists in the main, although Mid Range and Greaters may deploy it subject to the appropriate circumstances.
My Narc H did both actually. Most of the time he deployed what my girls and I call “the evil eye” with a laser shot accuracy that bore a hole straight through my heart. However, if I pushed enough or said something at precisely the wrong moment, he would go into a horrible verbal tirade that would crumble me to my knees. I learned to stay away from saying anything I knew would set him off. It wasn’t worth the discussion. I just let him think he was right. I suspect he must be a mid-ranger that has tendencies in both directions.
lol!
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