Elasticated
I become easily bored. I think it is as a consequence of how clever and brilliant I am that my mind is always racing. It is rushing over and over, thoughts and ideas percolating through it. I therefore need to be stimulated and kept occupied. This translates into my relationships. I don’t know why, but after a period of time I just become bored with whoever I am with. I usually tell them that you’re the one I like best, you retain my interest and you’re the only one. Somehow this changes. I have often considered why this happens and I have reached the conclusion that is a combination of me becoming easily bored and that you become irritatingly clingy. Rather than realise I have become bored, you hang around and this begins to irritate me. In order to get you to understand that I do not want you anymore, I have to resort to more and more nastiness to drive you away. I must confess though, in most cases this seems to have the opposite effect. It is odd. The harder I try to push you away, the tighter you cling on and this then angers me. Every so often however there is a spark of interest and I remember how it felt before and somehow I must reflect that to you as you seem pleased. It does not last long and the all-encompassing ennui comes crashing back down again and thus I have to push you away as I try to find someone new, something different to engage me. Yet still you remain, repeatedly dangling and left in limbo. The occasional glimpses I provide you of how things used to be really do draw you back and give you some kind of misplaced hope that I can rekindle what we once had. It never can be done as my sterile state returns and in order to fill that I can no longer turn to you. You remain is a state of suspension, bouncing back and forth as if joined to me by a piece of elastic. I won’t cut it and neither it seems will you.
56 thoughts on “Elasticated”
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i think your life is sad. I just don’t think you know your life is sad. I stated once that I was once involved with nac. I left and even though the person was awful in the end, I never hated him, though I probably should of, instead I felt and feel sorry for him. And no he has no opening to get back in my life, directly or indirectly and I have no desire to see that person again, I think he is sad too. He definitely left an impression on me, one I will never forget and one that will make a great character in one of my books one day.
I understand it totally, but I wonder, can there ever be a moment when a narc will honestly get be closure and allow the victim to truly release themselves from this bondage? Is there ever a moment of remorse and heartfelt apology?
No Narcless there is not. The bondage continues until one of us dies, of course there is much that you can do to tackle this bondage so its effects are felt less. There is no remorse because we feel none. The may receive an apology, but it is not genuine.
I was arrested once at 16 because we had pot on us, but we were in the company of the local politician’s son so we did not get booked. Taken to the stationed and parents called. His court case was closed doors.
At least I picked, at times, the right person to get in trouble with.
I did beat up a boyfriend very badly to the point he could not go to work. ( he did not hit back because the girl he was cheating with was watching)
He did a restraining order but it was a joke. This was in the 90’s. He deserved it and it sure did feel wonderful breaking the wooden cutting board over his head. I then enlisted the other women and cost him his career as a casino executive. I have never been this bad or destructive since. He was a real piece of work and I did it for all the women he messed with.
I have mentioned this before but it feels so good to think about it all over again.
Blimey AH HO . I wouldn’t like to mess with you. Lol.
I was bored out of mind!!! I had turned into furniture. I was ignored and unacknowledged by him and his people. After the golden period, they return to their daily routine: doing the same old things. Those hobbies are repetitive and lack innovation.
My boredom stemmed from conforming to his way of life.
Their boredom stems from looking for excitement from others because they lack the feeling of joy and happiness within.
I am grateful to have control of my life again. I am free to do whatever that brings me pleasure and I am not dependent on others to entertain me.
Just wondering if you were ever prosecuted for domestic abuse?
No.
Have you ever been arrested though HG ?
I’m asking because it seems that narcs can manipulate & lie to the police just as much as they do to their targets . And 9/10 it works .
I have but it was done in error and resulted in legal action.
How so HG ? Did you take the legal action ?
I did indeed.
And you won didn’t you . Sigh . But at the same time I could fight any narc that even tries to mess with me now .
Indeed I did. The facts and the law were on my side.
Since you have said you were in therapy for about a year prior to the idea of writing the blog and books, and therapy was more or less thrust upon you (not a voluntary choice), have you ever felt that Karma caught up to you? Meaning you’ve had to come to terms with actions you did in your past that hurt people and maybe have had to recollect memories that may have stayed dormant throughout this process. Many IP’s have probably crossed your sixth sphere thanks to therapy which may not have happened. Does the saying “you reap what you sow” apply to you at all?
Has therapy been the catalyst for any hoovers, say with Karen, your college girlfriend, etc.?
Hello Clarece, I do not believe in karma. You are correct however that it has caused certain thoughts which have been long buried to be resurrected with regard to a number of IPs and in certain instances there have been hoovers because the Hoover Execution Criteria have been met. In a handful of instances they have not taken place because I cannot reach the former IP.
Your arrest cited below… personal or white collar crime?
Neither, I was innocent.
Good
I always am,you know that.
Let me rephrase that then. Good Boy!!
Yes you were so soooooo boring I went No Contact at the first chance you gave me . Hahahah.. Sucker..!! Not as clever as you thought hey .. ! x !
Their batting average is about 6 or 7 out of 10. They usually take those losses well since 6/7 is better than nothing. But oh those 3 or 4 that were wise enough to walk away – haunt them.
Ah…… coming to terms…. I think I will stick to getting boring instead…. better than no contact I guess….lol
Ah…… coming to terms…. I think I will stick to getting boring instead…. better than no contact I guess….lol
Well said!!! Ihad one in my life dor 5yrs
Ah the boredom… It happens to the best of us. I always encourage a spice it up move, unless you just picked the wrong person from the get go!
So once the boredom sets in then at that exact moment devaluation as well ? I feel as if boredom and devaluation go hand in hand .
Indeed they largely do Starr.
Oh HG, it is so hard to make you happy. Lol
My ex made me that clingy and then that’s exactly what she called me. It’s a no win.
It’s just like the jealousy. I was never jealous and she’s the one who made me jealous.
She wanted all my attention. I gave her that plus my time, money, heart, and soul.
She got EVERYTHING.
Have you found that since you started this blog and writing your books that you are not as bored with your IP’s.
Do your doctors have any suggestions to offset your boredom?
writing was the main suggestion SW for several reasons including countering the ennui
It is a great talent that you have and I’m glad that it brings you enjoyment.
It does wonders for me. Along with the knowledge, it provides me a safe place for me to pour out my heart.
It is something we both benefit from.
It’s a little ironic that I once suggested to my ex that she write down all her feelings and frustrations and to keep a journal and now I’m the one doing the writing.
Writing is most cathartic.
I was never a jealous person until JN, and am still shocked how intense it was not having felt that way before, not even with my ex-husband going thru the divorce. I try to still believe that letting the right people in your life will not let those scenarios have a chance to occur. I don’t ever want someone I love or care about to feel jealous so I make sure my actions follow suit. It’s finding the right person to reciprocate that.
Hi Clarece,
You always make the best points. You are right. I have never had a reason to be jealous in my marriage and I should have seen it as a red flag with her. Triangulation was there from the beginning. I should have thought something wasn’t right when she was trying to make me compete for her friendship. Normal people don’t do that. Of course I kept asking her “why do you want me to be jealous”? I always walked right into her trap.
Did JN always have others to triangulate you with?
Sorry the Indians couldn’t win for you. Lol… My son’s teacher is from the U.K. and we were talking abut how famous Cleveland is for losing and how it reaches those across the seas. I remember HG poking fun also. Incredible the reputation we have here.
Nice to hear from you.
It was a constant theme with JN triangulating and keeping me a dirty little secret. I would push him away because of it, leading to fighting, silent treatments and then him resurfacing. I kept thinking he realized he just wants to explore where things lead with just me. Sickening.
And Cleveland is known internationally for losing. AWESOME!! Lol
That was the most exciting World History lineup in history and Game 7 was excruciating. At least the Tribe didn’t hand over the win. What is it, like 155 days until Opening Day?
Awwww Clarece,
The knowledge that HG has provided about triangulation has been very eye opening and helpful. I couldn’t understand why they always wanted more and what the purpose was for it.
It was exciting for sure and I don’t even like baseball. Lol….
They are counting down here too on the Cleveland stations to Opening Day. Maybe next year.
Another interesting tidbit about triangulation that I learned here and it was quite startling for me was the concept of triangulating someone with things / hobbies, not just people. Obviously I get love triangles or even love hexagons! Lol But the concept of always making one feel they have to compete with an activity or hobby astounded me because it was a constant factor in my 17 year marriage and I’m actually still trying to process that since I’ve left home, I’ve been surrounded by narcs. I used to call my husband’s hobbies his flights of fancy. Let’s see…first one was golf and always needing the best new titanium clubs (try that on a 1st or 2nd year teacher’s salary). Then came smoking cigars and humidors for his collection of those, especially the Cuban cigars. Then came deer hunting. That one lasted a long time and included shotguns, bow and arrow, tree stands, the clothes, trips with the guys, God it was endless. Then came brewing his own beer. Lovely aroma in the house on those weekends. Then came the electric guitar. You get the drift. I actually asked him one time after the divorce when he came for some furniture, “why wasn’t I ever your hobby?”. His answer was so sincere and honest. He said, “I don’t know but if it’s any consolation I’m no different with Xxxx (new wife).” And he isn’t. She runs circles around him. I’ve never looked back on that decision. But it’s disturbing to me realizing how comfortable I probably can be running in the circles feeling it’s normal when I don’t realize it’s happening.
MLA, your words of memories about your husband not choosing you as his “hobby” evokes great emotion within me, firstly compassion, secondly such great sorrow for I know exactly how that feels, and for it to go on for years.
It’s a very unsettling feeling to realize that was the real dynamic for almost 2 decades. Im sorry if it upset you.
But it was also evolving as we were aging, and it didn’t hit me until I took a year off from work to stay home with our daughter her first year. Motherhood empowered me and then I guess you could say he would try to triangulate me with our child, in that trying to make me pick him over her over ridiculous things. For instance, when she was around 2, he wanted me to take down all pictures of her in our bedroom that I had a few on my dresser and two portraits on the wall. His logic – the master bedroom should just be about the husband and wife and the focus on us. If you’re wondering if I complied, F*ck no. I went thru 5 years of infertility to have my miracle baby. I’ll turn the whole Goddamn house into a shrine of her if I want. Ridiculous things. Always about him and making me feel I had to choose between him and her. Another example was I was passing thru the living room cleaning. He was in his big chair. Our daughter was playing by him on the floor. He grabbed over to me and pulled me on his lap to give me a hug. Okay, nice enough. Well a minute later, our daughter runs over to climb up on my lap, still on him to have a group hug. He moved his hand against her chest just to nudge away and said, “no, just your mommy.” Her precious face was crestfallen and she walked away.
You know when a cat is tolerating being held by their owner and they’re tense and flicking their tail? Yeah, that was me. I could not wait for him to release me so I could just go cuddle with her. For the years he literally cried about not being a father, moments like that would sicken me.
It truly breaks my heart, and I relate all too well, though no longer in my nightmare, the scars will always remind me…..
I always knew of love triangles from the movies and soap operas, not in real life. Lol… And I especially didn’t know until reading it from HG either that objects were used.
Looking back at my my marriage I do see that pattern in my marriage also. From the beginning my husband had hobbies just like you described. I was young and just accepted him not being around. After both of my kids were born I thought things would change but they didn’t so I did all the things I wanted with the kids mostly by myself. But my husband does not have NPD. He does have some traits that were brought on my his drinking. He is now trying to work on being here and wanting to do things with us but now I’m the one who wants the alone time. Funny how things have have reversed.
We have lots of counseling ahead of us.
And you have a whole future with your beautiful daughter and I know you are a wonderful mother to her.
So why don’t you cut the elastic, HG?
We never let go IL.
How quickly do you get bored, HG? Months? Years?
What did you say?
Do you mean in terms of the relationship with the primary source? It is usually somewhere between 6-18 months generally speaking.
Open doors. They never close doors. It’s powerful for them to keep those doors open. No closure. Same or co-dependents but for codependents it’s their neediness that keeps them chained to the Narc.
Because they are not Edward Scissorhands nor any character of merit!
The Narc is not the only one that gets bored in the dance, I wonder who gets bored first? The difference is your primary source might give signs even state they are bored, and this brings great criticism to the Narc, how dare you not be fascinated by ME, and YOU BORE ME! Then the oh so fun push pull push pull, I got bored of that too. The narc so predictable yet acts like they are so mysterious and special and magical, and original all false, now I make sure I am boring, it’s better than no contact!
They are predictably oh so boring, same ole, same ole performances- like the repetitive same ole, same ole’ dribble is going to provoke something new! They only do what they do to make sure your time is another wasted day like all of their life! They remind me of a wheel and eventually they will turn that much that the rubber will perish and they will be turning on coarse metal! Dull and so predictably not cute, not anything but a pain in the a*s!
Yes they do. They love the mysterious dance. The shroud of mystery or shall I call it misery? They disclose little because they aren’t that fascinating or as fascinating as they think they are. They have no consistency. The lack of follow through would bore any non-codependent human being.
I was told this in the beginning. He said, “I am easily bored and quickly move on. Do not ever become who you think I want you to be.”
Which, everything you describe here has happened. He pushed away and got more and note nasty, which only made me try harder.
Why though, if we are no longer enough, will you not cut the ties? I was told its the sex. But that can’t really be why you would put up with someone you “hate” so much for years. The sex really can’t be enough to put up with my craziness.
We will not cut the ties Kelly because in our mind your always belong to us. The Narcissistic Relationship is until death. We do not cut the ties because we wish to exert control so that we can return to you at a later stage and gain fuel from you. Sex is just a means of gaining fuel, an important one admittedly, but it is a device of manipulation.
Boredom hmm ya I have done things that walk a line close to stupidity, yet was intense and adrenaline filled.
This is one area I do miss in the dance, always intense with adrenaline filled adventures.
I understand this one.
Buzzword…..Next.
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