Back For More
I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel, if the opportunity arises. Why would we not? We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide. The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it provides us with fuel. It is also a means of exerting control, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possible associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard. When we look at the hoover in such a scenario, when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –
- To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
- To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
- To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it may be lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more. We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.
It is this third manoeuvre (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at us and being nasty because hey, after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again? It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist. There are several factors but one of the chief factors is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles which can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.
- The Wish You Well
Whenever we hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.
- The Optimist
This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it, since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?
- The Guilty
You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologising for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.
- The Navel Gazer
You are obsessed with understand who you are and regard your interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to your again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.
- The Healer
You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassionate and kind-hearted behaviour.
- The Nymph
You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engaging with us through sexting and flirtation provides us with the hoover fuel that we want.
- The Tourniquet
You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist.
- The Old Reliable
You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.
- The Contender
You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.
- The Burning Oil Well
Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.
Do you recognise yourself in there at all?
21 thoughts on “Back For More”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Yes. I received the third hoover you describe here and it accomplished many of the points you mentioned–he’s just that good.
*He was kind enough it made me respond in my usual, kind, even complimentary way, despite previous abuses.
*I felt tremendously full of doubt about how I had surmised the end and wondered if I’d loved him better, if he’d always behave this way.
*I began to wonder why I wasn’t good enough–knowing he’d moved on, yet felt confident I was better than any of his previous/current harem.
*It prompted a million questions and a longing for answers.
*Likewise it prompted a slew of “I love you’s and I’m sorrys'” in my mind.
Then when he did continue the conversation, but it fell away naturally (and without malice) I assumed he was with someone else and again, wondered, why it wasn’t me. Even though I saw his abuse, wanted to escape, and know exactly what he is.
The one who will not respond?
I am definitely the old reliable. As hard as I try it will respond not immediately but can’t help myself. I liken my reasoning to the analogy used by narcangel the cat with the piece of tinsel. I play the role of #5 to garner trust then unleash #10. Applying this have help keep the hoovers from both of them 4 or more months apart. However the( lesser to mid) have placed my phone number on a online prostitution/massage site twice in the past 30 days. Last weekend my phone rang all night for 3 days. I decided to have a conversation with one of the Johns and he was so kind to screenshot the ad and send to me. He didn’t use my real name or photo. One could assume it was an accident and maybe the person used wrong number. He left 2 phone numbers both were similar with exception of 1 number. The post was new so it wasn’t the ad he placed a few back where I received several text regarding massages. Day 1, I didn’t text or call. After the constant calls and texting I blew it and called and text him ranting. My desire is to have better self control and remind myself he’s going to benefit from my reaction whilst I am ill afterwards.
HG, if I change my phone number of 12 years, will the mid gain fuel knowing it’s a result of his actions?
No, it will be regarded as a criticism if he cannot reach you (he is not important enough to be granted his entitled access) and he will be wounded by the change. Change it and don’t give him the new number naturally.
And tell your family and friends not to give it to him….very important. Words come out of my mouth as blah blah blah though.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqFLXayD6e8 Once bitten twice shy and No’ cannot see myself there at all in my present or future- None of the hoovers impress me much 😉 Relax Max!
I may well be number 11: Amused.
I am in a relationship that serves me well as far as appearances and creature comforts but I do enjoy a challenge. My relationship with a narc is that of a cat with a piece of tinsel. When I am bored I play with it. It may on any given day please and amuse me with its antics and shine, or irritate me and cause my power to rise ( which is a delicious feeling). Most of the time I am just amused at how it is shiny on one side and dull on the other. Twisting and turning on itself to present itself in the best light. I decide what side I see and when I am done playing with it-I put it away. On occasion, when I feel the need to acknowledge some feeling of punishment within myself I lick the tinsel. Courting that sharp edge with a delicate tongue is dangerous and exciting. It makes me feel alive, but I know I must never ingest it for it will tear my insides apart and if it does not cause death-it will at the very least cause irreparable damage. So I withdraw my tongue with the metallic taste still on it and return to the comforts of my peaceful life.
I will admit at one point I saw myself. Yet now I am vacant of feeling for the whole situation. I have learned, but I have not nor will I change into some snippy idiot over a man. That is how I was able to get away and succeed in my recovery.
You can only destroy someone willing to be destroyed. It is a false image they project and if you buy into it, you are lost. Why would I sacrifice my soul to a man who so hates himself and so full of evil. And why would anyone as truths are revealed to them stay or give the time of day to such vile beings? It is because you believe you deserve such treatment. It tantalizes you. And that is your problem. We are so teased with the darkness of it, we have lost the light.
It no longer becomes the narc’s problem. It is now your problem. You opened the door and what were you expecting…Santa Claus.
The minute I realized what was happening, I got out. While cops watched and mocked me. I would repeat that every day if it secured my freedom.
If you are not strengthened enough in your morals, values and ethics, you are dessert in their hands. And again, it is your problem.
Well said!
The picture reminds me of all the children’s faces in the b & w photo you used for Narcissistic Truth, Where It All Starts. Here they are all grown up.
Im the skinny one on the far left…..
Agreed, MLA.
Reblogged this on NarcMagNet69x96.
If he ever knew the secret I kept from him, no way I could even control the emotion that would pour forth.
Indeed. N2 hasn’t come around for months, but I know that if he ever did I’d have trouble. I’ve sent messages in that time but just silence in return. I am moving on now, getting stronger, healing, learning, growing. I’ve been very happy being alone and just having freedom to be me, and figure out who that even is. I try very hard to keep him blocked and not contact him anymore. My last email was just pleasant parting words.
But secretly, I don’t think I could resist. Benign, malign, whatever. I think maybe he knows that though, and that’s why he’s still staying away to punish me. I’m pretty sure I caused some narcissistic injury and he hates me. Coming around would just hurt me too. So really I guess it’s a net win for me even if it is a little sad.
It sounds crazy, and I’m sure it’s probably just how I’m resolving the dissonance. He’s a very “nice” guy, (Mid, I think, Cerebral/Elite), but also inside there I see him… Big. Dark. Someone I would fear and fall to my knees for. At the same time, he’s Small. Insecure. Someone i want to show unconditional love is possible. He broke me, or almost did.
But my experience with him was what finally opened me up and made me start to face my own lifetime of pain. So now I can see it, address it, and move forward. There will always be a twisted gratitude in that, and I think that’s the tendril that will be hardest to sever for me.
Time is obviously irrelevant to a narcissist? Just last week, my daughter’s dad, a Greater, sent me a friend request on facebook. That was surprising for me to see…..we’ve been divorced for almost 15 years…….several years ago after he divorced his 3rd wife he focused on winning over my family with an obviously well executed smear campaign. My family have all abandoned and betrayed me for him, regardless of the fact we all had minimal involvement during our marriage. I’ve come to see that’s part of the ongoing control and torment instigated by your brethren. He is not on friendly terms with any of his 3 wives but has gone above and beyond for their extended families after the divorces….how quaint. LOL.
I am currently entangled with a Mid-Range. *sigh* My empathetic rose colored glasses have kept me embroiled for over a decade…..but I am crossing the emotional sea at a great rate now that I’ve removed the scales from my eyes.
Although I’ve know about the reality of narcissists for the past few years and have spent countless days and hours learning about them…..it wasn’t until last week that I came across your site, HG. I am very appreciative of your willingness to share your life with us. Although I’ve been controlled, used, manipulated, discarded….and almost destroyed, I’ll come out the victor in the end because I’m a firm believer in knowledge is power.
I have a great deal of personal work ahead of me. I have recently been recommended the book “Codependent No More”. Ha. Dealing with controlling and manipulative people is all I’ve ever know since I was raised by Mommie Dearest indeed……we didn’t participate in the ‘wire hangar’ per se……but I did finally come to determine who and what she is…..and implemented No Contact several years back……
I look forward to reading much more of your work, including your books.
Thanks for your time.
Hello IDGAF, yes time is irrelevant to our kind because we operate compartmentalised lives. The fact you have been divorced for almost 15 years is of no consequence to your narcissist. If the fuel demands it then he will hoover you and it doesn’t matter how long ago it was since you last had any contact, whether the narcissist was horrible to yesterday and now wishes to be pleasant to you today, the passage of time, be it short or long is irrelevant to us.
It is good to read that you are now crossing the emotional sea and thank you for your kind words. Do keep reading.
Very messy break up. Involving physical assault, and the smear campaign afterward. High profile Doc. In the community. We were married. A year since the assault, he was able to get a restraining order against me, all lies, but I was out loud about the assault in the community so he had to shut me up, make me look bad.
I still want to yell, scream, expose him for who he really is. And , I still love this monster.
Nothing there to love. Love exposing him and love yourself for having the courage to do so. Look at victim of crime compensation particularly for the smear after the assault and highlight the humiliation and once you have this piece of paper carry it with you everywhere. Use it whenever you are doubted by anyone- he uses his court application and the order against you to make you look the cause of it, so do same!
I wasn’t convinced of the hoover until you said that they always return. It did confuse me as to why he would return, when it is clear he’s not interested in a relationship, but once he’d get a response he’d just blow hot and cold again. He knew it frustrated me, but continued to do it. He owes me nothing, but I reserve the right to opt out.
Just yesterday after three hoover emails, the last one telling me how he’d gone out last night and copied me exactly in a recent sporting achievement, I was done. I asked that he not contact me again. I don’t want to be constantly waiting for communication, and I don’t want somebody who is obsessed with copying my every move, yet has no time for me. It is so hard to do, but I have to let go. The waiting around was horrendous.
I hope he will respect my wishes and let me move on and heal.
Thank you HG for this article, it has helped to explain a lot.