The Narcissistic Truths – No. 34
47 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 34”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Hello Angie, be kind to yourself, we all move at are own pace and you spent a long time with this man.
Kicking him out was a huge step in the right direction, yet a very hard one to do.
You will find many answers here and so many that are supportative and understand.
Then there is HG himself, he is what convinced me to stay. The fact he answers so many questions himself and doesn’t sugar coat anything, it is honesty in a way you will never find outside of this blog.
” Consolation . Thank you ” spell checker “
I’m in a whirlwind of pain
My husband of 10 years could not stay faithful
He stepped out some way or another every 8-12 months and I threw him out in August
He had a new girlfriend immediately and she has money
He’s living the high life with her and I’m in pain. I have filed a divorce and have no contact with him
We have a 5 year old together
Its so hard for me to think that this woman can take my place so easily but it has happened and I get to hear about it while he contacts my daughter via FaceTime every evening. How the hell do I ever get over this? And why do I feel so worthless and sad daily? It’s been almost 4 months and you would think they are married and that I should be over this by now. I want over this joker. What can I do to not fuel him? I don’t speak or see him and I am not sad In front of anyone anymore but I do get tired of running and hiding when he calls so he can’t see me on the iPad screen, it’s pure madness!
Hello Angie, your experience is common and understandable. You are doing the right thing by maintaining no contact. Do not concern yourself with the high life he leads or who this new woman is, he will do the same to her as he has done to you. I guarantee that. You however remain infected by what he has done, you will be wondering what she has got that you have not (the answer is nothing; you both provide fuel) and as for being replaced so quickly, this is a standard move in the narcissistic dynamic and it will also happen to her.
You are in the emotional sea at present. You feel like you are drowning but you need to read to understand and build you logic boat to get across this sea. Read the three articles about the Post Discard Battles which you will find on this blog. That will give you a starting point. Then read as much of my work as you can, it is brutally honest but it will assist you in driving his infection from you, understanding what has happened and from that understanding you will gain freedom. I recommend you start with Fuel (so you know why he does what he does), Ask (which will deal with many of your questions) and Exorcism which will assist you in dealing with the emotional infection. Ask questions her, use my private consultations if you feel they will benefit you, read the experiences of the commenters here, they are sensible, supportive and articulate. You have come to the right place to gain understanding so you can move forward.
Thank you HG, you are a salvation to a lot of us here drowning in the poison. I am tired of it and ready to move on but get really frustrated with myself for not moving on faster. I have encountered and got over narcissists in the past faster than this, but i was also very young and more resilient back then. I will gather the materials you suggested, this is probably not the last you will hear from me sadly lol.
Hello Angie, you are welcome. By all means stick around there is plenty to learn from here.
Hello Angie.
Well done for showing him the door, it’s not an easy decision to make especially as you have a young child together.
If it’s any constellation he’s gone to the other woman because you cut off his narcissistic supply when you threw him out, it’s not because he wants to be with her, but more out of necessity .
I know it’s difficult, but understand that she’s only going to go through the same emotional turmoil as you are now eventually . He’s using her .
He’s trying to make you jealous by ” triangulating ” you when he speaks to you daughter about his ” new relationship “. He want’s to know you’re hurting .. so you do well staying in the back ground.
It all takes time but it does get better. You just have to keep reminding yourself of why you threw him out in the first place .
See my username Angie? when first found HGs blog it was So Sad I kept on reading & asking questions as you should too . I promise you’ll never look back .
Not So Sad x
Awww, 4 months is barely going through the shock of it all. It was a decade long marriage. Allow yourself the full range of grief. You’re not on a timetable for anyone.
U will get over it.. just remember she’s a victim too.. n he doesn’t love her he doesn’t even care about her.. he is going to use her til she’s used up n he’s got another one on the side anyway.. if u have figured his deep dark secret out then he is getting such pleasure knowing ur suffering.. you show him the opposite like you’re so totally happy ur getting on with ur life will peek his interest cuz ur acting the wrong way. Show that ur way better off without him without hsving to say it.. little digs
HG, Im pretty sure you have explained this before but I feel like I have gotten conflicting answers from your writing but that might just be bc my brain just cant and wont ever grasp the thinking of a narc.
In the Golden period when you are telling us everything we want to hear, you have written about the “real” meaning of these words but you have also said that you have hope for us that we wont let you down. So my question is, do you believe these words at all? Do they have any meaning to you other than fuel? Does it depend on the type of narc?
For instance, in the past DN has always won me back by telling me that no mattet who he is with he is always thinking about me and our “unique” love. Sounds cheesy but its sucked me in twice and honestly he is a pretty bad liar but when he said these words (and 1-10 of your most recent post) they felt so sincere like he wants to believe them but his narc demon wont allow him to.
Maybe I am kidding myself bc when he is so unbelievably awesome and then he lets the Darc Narc take over and becomes a cold POS, I always question which is his true self and if he is conflicted (angel vs. demon) almost like an addiction.
I feel like he is addicted to hurting/punishing me but doesn’t want to be.
Arrggggg!
In the same boat as you!!
HG,
I am curious to know something: My spouse and I got together very young. He was barely 18, and I was 20. He started pursuing me when he was 17, and I turned him down for a year. When we finally got together, we had a great relationship for 7 yrs before he turned on me. How could our relationship be so pleasant for THIS long, as seems to be unheard of for NPD?
If you were his primary source all of that time, it was probably because of your fuel output and his needs not being as great as they later became.
I do not know all the detail but you might have been a secondary source for some time, then a primary source. Secondary sources have longer golden periods, so you would have had a golden period as a secondary source, then a further golden period as a primary source and then devaluation.
Mine relationship with my husband was near perfect for with years. Before it started rearing its ugly head. There were things here n there but no big deal until….. 8 yrs later
HG, can you help us understand why after your discard of us, you feel ashamed of us, only to Hoover us again? How do you process that we are an embarrassment to you and then eventually, we are good enough again for a Hoover. Do you forget how much we disappointed you? Do you only Hoover when we are a last resort? In your eyes, do we ever regain that initial status?
Hello Lacy, there may be no shame as we may forget about you as we are infatuated with your replacement. The hoover only comes about when you cause a hoover trigger and even then we may not decide to act on it because our fuel needs are being met elsewhere.
When we do hoover you and if it is benign, we can rid ourselves of any thoughts about how you disappointed us because the potency of hoover fuel makes up for that and we of course have no problem with operating from a contradictory position so long as the outcome serves us well.Keep in mind that since we operate black and white thinking, we can easily move from white to black to white again, even in the course of an afternoon.
Thank you for your response HG. I drink up everything you write, bittersweet though it might be.
Thank you.
Whoops typos… lol. Auto correct…arrrggg
“You said that I changed, well maybe I did. And even if. Changed, what’s range with it”
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YmmjtzDrdGk
A friend who has known my Narc for 20 years keeps reassuring me there is nothing I could have done differently to change the idealize/devalue/discard cycle.
But he did say Narc’s pattern was a little different with me in that he was 1) much more threatening when I escaped and 2) hasn’t let go.
Why do you think this is HG? Was it because I was “great,” “potent” supply? Or because he was low on supply?
Your friend is correct.
he was more threatening because your escape amounted a criticism which ignited his fury and the fact he has not let go may well point to a fuel and/or malice obsession which is powering repeated behaviours through acting as hoover triggers.
Thank you HG. You are tremendously helpful.
I’ve noticed there is more and more time between hoovers. And I have remained completely out of his 5 spheres save for an item he asked me to return weeks ago. Although I did not even speak to him upon mailing it, he hovered after he received it as I figured he would.
I’m continuing to take your advice and remain NC, out of his 5 spheres and I don’t respond to any of his texts. Thank you HG as always.
Too bad you’re a Narc. That delicious voice…;)
That is the way to do it SA, it may take time but you can seize the power and vastly reduce the risk of being hovered. You are welcome.
Since you seem to understand empaths better than we do ourselves, ca you explain why, despite being NC and his abuse, I still fight the near-constant urge to contact him or return his attempts? I’m generally not a foolish person but I still find myself wanting to make amends, tell him I still love him, or ask about the many discrepancies.
Why do we do this when the abuse and IDD cycle is so obvious?
It is because of the potency of the emotional infection Sail Away. If you read Exorcism it is explained there alongwith ways to combat it.
Everytime that he disappears I have thought that it was the last time… instead he reappeared after some days or week or month, peaceful and serene as if nothing had happened. I don’t know if in that period of suspension he kept his eyes on me because he never did reveal anything about. One month ago I blocked his mobile and other means to contact me and I hope that he will not reappears but I do not feel still quite. I know that if he wants he can find the way to get to me, but I hope (also for his pride that I stuck him) he’s not looking for me more.
I like that promise despite everything. …
You and me both honey! 💗
That is the paradox of a relationship such as this, isn’t it HG?
Indeed.
I’d get the ‘Stay The Fuck Away From Me’ discard repeatedly (until he wanted me again) on and off for 15 months but now I’ve seen through the bullshit and gone Grey Rock/No Contact, he is hoovering me frequently to no avail and boy is he pissed off! A year and a half and still hoovering. You’d have thought that seeing as I was supposed to be the crazy one who wanted a proper relationship whereas he would state that we were ‘just fuck buddies’, he’d have been glad that I no longer want him. Not so.
I experienced all of those (The End) . Wow it’s coming to light. Glad I read this article. Enlightening!
You only think they are gone they are always watching in the background
yup
I experience a if those. Wow it’s coming to light. Glad I read this article. Enlightening!
Disturbing picture.
Do you discuss letting go with the doctors? If you let go of some/all of your IP’s do you feel that you are losing power? Do they want you to break the contracts and do you think that will ever be possible?
For me it’s still difficult to let go. Some days are still emotional. My therapist says I am still grieving and until I’m done I can’t fully let go. But I don’t think I know what that means. I understand and follow much of your advice from Exorcism but I don’t see myself ever forgetting this relationship and what lessons I have learned so far.
Yes we do SW. If I terminated the Narcissistic Relationship then I would lose potential fuel sources, I would suffer a fuel reduction with all of the consequences which flow from that. They do want me to break the contracts but I regard that as an impossibility. There is no choice in the matter, it is as it is.
You are unlikely to forget the experience but you may no longer emotionally react to it and I suspect that is the place that your therapist wants you to get to.
Exactly. Do not forget it.
I like how this truth was on the heels of 5 ways you can be discarded. Talk about creating chaos and confusion. Make up your mind!
Sixteen months and counting. That would be pretty indicative of being let go.
I disagree they always come back
someone once insisted to me that holding tightly onto one was like grasping sand. that no matter how tight, it/they would always trickle through the crevices. do you find this true?
What would I be holding tightly on to Petite Fromage?
i am not sure. what do you hold onto?
i was responding to ‘i will never let you go.’ so if you do not ever let go, do you find the trickling through cracks to have truth and be more common than not?
just more of that silly curiosity
Hi Petite Fromage (Little Cheese, how cute!),
I like that saying! Like water too. We can only be together, coexist, never possess.
I have always heard the saying that holding onto anger is like holding broken glass, you end up cut and bleeding. Letting go of anger is for ourselves as much as other.
hi Indy and thank you 🙂
i like your example of water in the same scenario and meaning much better. less pokey, grainy, harsh. more of dreamy cold bliss.
your anger saying is a good slap of reality. however, there are a large number of people that are nourished off of their own pain, as well as that of others.