You? Me? Them?
Once upon a time. The Princess and the Pea. Prince Charming. Snow White. Pretty Woman. Barbie and Ken. The Waltons. Hug you from behind. Breakfast in bed. Picking you up in the rain. Glimpsing you from a train and running after you. The Fabulous Baker Boys. Roman Holiday. Bouquets. Surrounded by your loving family as you pass away. Snow at Christmas. Remembered birthdays. The Little House on the Prairie. Beauty and the Beast. A Room With a View. City breaks. Walking in the foam. Holding hands. Growing old together. Gone With the Wind. The white knight. Crazy For You. The Passion. Spooning in bed. Monogamy. Rosanna. Love Me Tender. Truly Madly Deeply. A candlelit bath. The Best. Gift on the pillow. Save the Best For Last. Impromptu lunch. Dancing cheek to cheek. Someday my prince will come. Red roses. White roses. Opening doors. Up Where We Belong. Rome and Juliet. Holding your hair. You’re the First, My Last, My Everything. Writing ‘I Love You’ in the steamed up mirror. Endless Love. I Think I Love You. Dedicating a song on the radio. Father Figure. The Power of Love. Fairytale wedding. Carved initials on a tree inside a heart. Giving you the last Rolo. Love conquers all. Love will save the day. Love’s young dream. Love is a many splendored thing. Writing poems. Love notes in a lunch box. A message in the sand. Till death do us part. Together forever. Bright young things. Never Tear Us Apart. Soulmate. Other half. My Heart Will Go On. Bridget Jones’ Diary. I’ll Stand By You. Children. A Whole New World. Paris in the spring time. Lazing in a hammock together. A log cabin by the lake. The Notebook. The Spiderman kiss. Notting Hill. Rose and Jack. Letting you sleep in. Bella and Edward. Latika and Jamal. Dirty Dancing. Leading the dancing. Remembering anniversaries. In sickness and in health. When Harry Met Sally. Synchronised orgasms. Sex in the morning. Sex in the evening. Still having sex after all these years. Fidelity. Eyes only for you. An Officer and a Gentleman. Isla and Rick. Letting you first. Knowing you hate spiders. Viola and William. Stardust. Walking in the snow together. Walking through leaves together. Edward Scissorhands. Just the Way You Are. My Girl. Annie’s Song. Matching tattoos. Wearing a wedding band. I Will Always Love You. When a Man Loves a Woman. I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing. Love is blind. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. The perfect match. Our love is predestined. It was written in the stars above. Love at first sight. Mr/Mrs Right, “My one and only,” “man/woman of my dreams,” “match made in heaven,” “love of my life,” “my true love,” “made for each,” “my perfect match,” “I met the love of my life,” “I knew this was the one.” “We were meant for each other.” “instant connection,” “clicked right away,” “chemistry at first sight,” “hit it off right away,” “experienced immediate attraction,” “instant rapport,” “completely hit it off,” “it was magical,” “you put a spell on me” . Love is a river that drowns the tender reed. The perfect house. The country idyll. Home is where the heart is. Wuthering Heights. Jayne Eyre. Twilight. The Hunger Games. Gabriel’s Inferno. Water for Elephants. Warming the bed first. Investigating a bump in the night. Holding you during a storm. Never being taken for granted. Perfection. Having it all. The Happy Ever After.
False promises and unrealistic ideals created by them.
A gateway to the false promised land, to the unrealistic ideal life offered and exploited by us.
Resorting to self-destructive and addictive behaviours in order to compensate for these failings and disappointments by becoming entangled with us again and again and again. That’s you.
Who is to blame?
24 thoughts on “You? Me? Them?”
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I had a beloved husband. We were best friends, confidants, could finish each other’s sentences, laughed together till we cried, knew what each other , sharing a private wordless joke with only our eyes and smirk in a crowd . He said he adored me every morning . I respected him loved him . He let me be who I was, he protected my soft side yet let me be who I was and loved me for it. He was brilliant, generous , a gentleman and a sharp dresser, reliable, calm, private to most but fair and no ones fool. Great gift giver, thoughtful and never forgot . even personally wrapped in well chosen paper . I miss him. In 20 years we fought only twice and one was a misunderstanding. We weren’t perfect at all, Accepted each other as we were , but we had real love. His dad was very abusive yet he was not. He gave me two beautiful children. He died in 2005, I miss him every day. I remarried in 2013. To a high school sweetheart who ended up being a destructive narcisist . He almost destroyed us but I escaped. Good men and relationships are rare I guess. But do exist. Keep your boundaries tight and your intuition front and center. Trust but verify. Sadly hope is life yet hope deferred makes the heart sick. A narcisist partner (imo) has a broken heart and it will break ours , move on and break more. Pain giving pain. I thought love would stop that cycle but with a Narcisist they won’t relinquish control for fear? They’ll be destroyed. I guess? Seemed so w my soon to be ( please God!) ex. Does breaking us edify?HG – or is it just a side effect of using ( breaking) the appliance? Wish I had been a lesser used supply seems they get the best of an N. thanks for this website , and the books, your time & energy !
Thanks for the advice and kind words xx
Just to fill you in a bit better, I last saw him a yr ago (dec) when we went to a concert (that I paid for). He has his own place and I have mine. We have always lived separately (his choice). A few days later he said “he wasn’t feeling it” and blocked me from any contact. I agonised trying to get answers as to why I was cut off. It was torturous. I joined a gym and lost 4st and have started going out again. But it’s all been to get him to take notice. Anyway to cut a long story short, I contacted him from a new number a fortnight ago and he delighted in telling me he’d met someone and was “in love, a changed man, happiest he’s ever been, wants to rent a property next year with her out of town” etc etc. Says they’ve been together 6 months (I think he’s lying and that he “wasn’t feeling it” because he was seeing her behind my back). The vanishing act has hit me hard but now I have the answer it has destroyed me. He said I need to meet someone and get on with my life.!! He’s parading her all over. Holidays, meals etc and telling people how she takes care of him!! I’m gutted. He also told me he’s had my name covered on his chest with a new tattoo. It’s all too much. I can’t think of anything but him and her. This woman comes from out of town so doesn’t know me. She’s benefiting from my torture now he “knows better and has grown up”!! She has money from what I can gather so they’ll skip off and have a nice time. I gave 17yrs to watch it be flushed in favour of someone else. Physically I look amazing but internally I’m broken. Our last words were trading insults and now it’s silent again. He’s never hoovered me. EVER. I’ve always hoovered. But now he’s “in love” I can’t come back from that final knife in the heart. He won. I lost. Soul destroying. All the things i wanted from him, he’s now lavishing her with!! I feel like he’s plunged into my chest and ground my heart into the dirt as a final farewell and now I lie dying in the knowledge he’s got someone who believes him to be “god”. It’s so unfair. I forgave all his abuse, cheating and lies and now he’s telling me he’d never do that to her!! He’s “sorry for ruining me”. My head is wrecked.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. It’s devastating, I know. Just take some kind of solace in the fact that he WILL do the same thing to her. He is not going to be happy with anyone and you are not missing out on anything. He has conditioned and groomed you to accept a shit show if a relationship. He has never hoovered you because he hasn’t had to, as you always have chased him. He will come back at some point to suck what’s left out of your near lifeless body and then dump you again. The best thing for you to do is pretend he is dead.
Do Narcs consciously think “Why is this idiot returning after all the crap I put her through?”
Or do they think “Yes, fuel.”
They sub-consciously think “fuel”.
I’m like Dawn. I’m exhausted from almost a year of reading everything I can get my hands on about narcissism and I still can’t get it through my head what has happened to me too. I have bought books, borrowed books from the library, subscribed to blogs, joined on-line support groups, read countless narc sites on the Internet, watched well over a hundred you-tube videos, listened to audiobooks while I’m driving, all on the topic of narcissism and sociopathy and I still can’t believe or understand the personality disorders. My head feels as heavy as a bag of cement with all the information i have fed into my brain. I’m hoping understanding and acceptance has to come to me soon.
Running through the you, me, them I must read again carefully- I cannot find The Ugly Truth, nor can I find Intensity or Copycat listed or The Burning Bed or Double Jeopardy and I can’t find The Long Kiss Goodnight. I can’t find Poltergeist or Thief in The Night. Now where did that purse of mine get to, silly me I was supposed to offer a reward after having it returned and how damned ungrateful after..I had got all new id. Gosh, I must have had a memory lapse I never remembered placing it into the cistern of the loo, but then again I don’t hang around toilets.
I don’t know why my Narc always gets choked up at sentimental movies. I am in the stage now of preparing to exit. We now live long distance so it should be a straightforward no contact. And over the past month in reading so much on this, an a vast amount of it resonating so deeply, I have felt my connection and love fade. My N simply discarded me 2 years ago after a typically abrupt discard phase following two wonderful years. He “allowed” me to fly back and forth to see and serve him. Bankrupt me. Etc. and I am supposed to be this highly intelligent empath. So I have made peace with most of it and see the chaos and behaviors for what they are. I have one event to get through in December and then I can let go. Again, I just don’t know what he cries at those movies. A man that otherwise has an on and off switch, compartmentalized constantly and manipulated so many of my good intentions into a well crafted smear and maintenance campaign. But the movies? Don’t understand the drama from him.
Hello Stacia, it is all about drawing the sympathy fuel from you.
HG did you get the second part of my email? He also knows that I know what he is and he is keeping well clear of me. He’s smeared me to everyone. He has never ever hoovered-it’s always been me chasing him. This time I’ve been replaced for a year and he’s never done this before. He told me to meet someone else too. Will he cheat on her? Why does he hate me? I know he’ll never approach me again. He hates me. He’s always out with her. Never took me anywhere. She gives him the easy life because she hasn’t been exposed to who he is yet. I used to pull him up and I paid dearly for it. Sorry for going on….
Hello Dawn, I haven’t had an e-mail from you, did you mean the second part of a comment on the blog? Keep in mind some are in moderation for a time owing to volume and the need for me to reflect on certain comments and questions. Yes he will cheat on her. He hates you because in his mind you failed him, you are weak, you are inferior to him and you are to be despised. This can alter in an instance if he decides to perform a benign hoover against you. Yes she will give him the easy life but it will not last.
Thanks HG xx I’ve just sat and cried reading your response. I’m really grateful you took the time to reply. I’m obsessed with his new life with his new girlfriend. She isn’t from the same area as we are and therefore doesn’t know of him and is in love with him. She is 52 and has money from what I can gather (parents own a farm etc) and she bakes for him etc and he sings her praises knowing I’ll be told. They are inseparable and he says he loves her. I am battering the gym and look the best I’ve ever looked. We haven’t set eyes on each other in a year but I spoke to him a month ago and he told me how great she is in bed etc and I’m absolutely destroyed. I can’t even think of getting involved with another man because my trust is dead and he is the only man I’ll ever love so it’d be unfair to be involved again knowing i view them as a consolation prize. I gave 17yrs for nothing. He even covered my name that was tattooed on his chest!! I’ve read loads of your work and find you fascinating and honest. I know I’m more attractive and tick loads of boxes but can’t accept his rejection of me in favour of her. I know he hates me (undeservedly) so I won’t even get the pleasure of telling him to eff off if he tried to hoover me. I know a hoover won’t happen HG.
You are welcome Dawn. As I have mentioned in other posts, he will look to hoover you so long as there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met and it is too early for it to happen yet. There may be triggers now but there is no need to hoover as his fuel needs are being met by the new primary source.
I’m exhausted hg, I’ve read everything on narcissism for years and yet I still can’t get over what has been will fully done to my life by my ex of 17years. He has a new woman and is wining and dining her and taking her on holidays etc and told me that they are moving in together (they have been together approximately a yr). He says he’s learnt from the mistakes he made with me!!!! Says he won’t treat her the same way!!!! Sees a future and wants to grow old with her!!!! I’m bereft. Could he possibly get a happy ever after? He doesn’t deserve one…..
Hello Dawn, let me tell you categorically and undoubtedly there will be no happy ever after. He says he has learnt from the mistakes he made with you in order to blame-shift and triangulate so he feels superior and gains fuel from you. He will treat her the same way. I guarantee it. His comments about the future are more triangulation. Forget about him, I know it is hard, but since he is with somebody else use this as spring board to building your defences to keep him away when he comes hoovering (and he will) and also to allow you time to make sense of what has happened and to process him out of your system. Read my work here and my books, ask questions, engage with the other commenters. In order to know what you must do I recommend you start by reading The Post Discard Battles Parts One to Three which you will find in the Prime Article section on the blog menu. Stick around. You’ve found the way forward.
Dawn,
I guarantee he will return to you (whether it be a month, year,or five years) and he will be switching the lines he is using on the two of you but they will be the same lines…they always are. Use this site to educate yourself so you can read in between the lines and not fall into his triangle trap. Right now you might think you would NEVER fall for him again but I fell twice,wishfully thinking the words were true!
What Alex has written.
Dawn if you’ve read everything, you know that hes a worthless sack of shit liar. I mean the lies are right there in your post. Narcs don’t learn for the purpose of improving-only for better exploiting the next victim ( and she is the next victim), and they sure as hell don’t want to “grow old” with or without anyone. No he will never have a happy ever after because it is not possible for him (much less deserved), but YOU can, if you let his worthless ass go and not repeat what you have learned from the mistakes you made with him. Keep reading and coming here.
Dawn: No it won’t last but he will make you believe it is and you cannot afford to open yourself up to that. She will be insecure trying to inch her way to the one year mark with sixteen more to achieve because as much as the early lightbulbs go off in her head, the stories will puzzle her and not synch with him have been with you for a very long period of time, in her eyes. You are a woman and I am sorry for your pain and dismay, but please think like one as in you have to turn this around and use it. Seventeen years is hard to compete with, now he has her right where he want’s her. Find some way to make sure that none of it gets to your ears by him at least. If it does, please remind him how she got him when you threw him to the scrap heap. If you don’t put yourself higher you will be treated as lower under both of them. Guard your family and don’t allow anyone to think it is simply a breakup and all good things to come to an end if you know him to be truly narcissistic. One of their favourites is we were not compatible, it just got old and tired and lost its spark. Remember this please, if he has not put the pursuing effort into you to save his marriage, placing that effort into a newbie, he already despises her underneath because your loyalty is a benchmark, hers shows she really has no scruples but he has manipulated it that way. His infidelity, game over. x
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Ha ha I like!
That’s because U told me that I get you and I am the only one.
I assume it’s You FTW who isn’t aware her peril?
noone is to blame. it’s a dogma…