How No Contact Feels – Part One




No Contact is the holy grail of escaping from the grip of our kind. It is the of course, for numerous reasons, both on your side and ours, it is not always possible to achieve it. Nevertheless, because No Contact amounts to ignoring our kind, it remains the most powerful tool in the victim’s armoury. You are always advised to implement it and keep it in place when you have ascertained that you are dealing with one of our kind. Not only does it provide you with a period of respite after a tumultuous period of time, so that you can recuperate and gather some much needed strength, it also reduces drastically our effect on your because we operate so much based on our interaction with you. Although we may derive Thought Fuel from knowing how you will react to many of our manipulations that will only sustain us for a period of time until it then begins to fade. If we continue to apply the same manipulation in expectation of a response but there is none forthcoming which we can witness, then the envisioned reaction loses its potency and moves from Thought Fuel to a criticism of us because we are being ignored. Thus if you have escaped out clutches and we send you a series of text messages, at first we envision that you will be upset to receive them and this provides us with Thought Fuel. If there is no response however, this Thought Fuel fades in its potency and we are left feeling ignored after a period of time and this then amounts to a criticism and ignites our fury. This is why No Contact is so important to you and so infuriating to us.

How then do our kind feel when No Contact has been implemented? Let us begin with the Lesser Narcissist. If you tell the Lesser Narcissist that the Formal Relationship has ended and do so in person, you have just ignited the blue touch paper. His instinctive reaction is one of huge criticism at this rejection. He will barely feel the rejection however as the ignition of his fury will be almost immediate. A massive eruption of heated fury will occur and you are in physical danger. He will not beg for you to stay; he will not plead with you. Such thoughts do not present themselves to him because the proverbial red mist has descended. Rage is coursing through him, furious and visceral rage which obliterates any rational thinking. He has lost control and he will direct this heated fury at you. He will physically prevent your departure as he locks doors, removes keys, bolts gates, closes windows and so forth. Expect the tyres on your car to be slashed or the windscreen put through as he continues to pace back and forth, cursing and hurling all manner of insults at you There is a complete loss of control. He may very well attack you, blind fury causing a flurry of punches and kicks in your direction. If there is a weapon to hand it will be used. His instinctive response is one he has not control over and it is done to achieve one thing and one thing alone; to cause you pain. He has no time to make your frustrated or angry. He cannot wait (although he does not know this) for the tears to flow (although they will). He need fuel because this massive rage that has been caused through the horrendous wound you have generated from you telling him it is over and you are leaving is draining him and draining him fast. The huge wound you have created needs to be healed and the ignited fury is using his fuel up and doing so quickly. He needs an emotional reaction from you. It must be straight away. Thus he lashes out at your verbally and physically to generate a pained response by you, accompanied by fear and then upset. This will give him the instant hit of fuel. This will begin to repair the wound. He will not allow you to get away from him for two reasons. The first is that subconsciously he needs you there to provide the fuel which he needs. Secondly, allowing you to go would more or less finish him, since it would be a further criticism. This departure criticism wounds on two fronts. First, the very fact you are going (having said that you were) opens up another criticism by telling him he is not good enough. Secondly, the fact he has not been able to stop you, destroys his sense of power and control. The first criticism of telling him it is over if allowed to combined with the double-edged criticism of departure will bring him to the brink of collapse. Thus his instinctive reaction is both to stop your departure and to draw fuel from you. If he injures you, this will most likely prevent your departure. He will keep attacking you until the rage subsides. This will happen when the wound has been healed by the fuel you provide.

If you cannot escape but (somehow) provide no fuel when assaulted (physically and verbally) your criticism of telling him, you will go will continue to wound him. He has no choice but to keep attacking you in order to provoke a reaction. It is a knee jerk response and extremely unlikely as it is, if you failed to provide fuel, this continued assault would most likely result in you being killed. Of course nearly everybody subjected to this would respond in pain and fear, thus the fuel is provided. Significant (and potentially life threatening) harm will already have happened. Once the rage subsides, you will be left in a crumpled heap, possibly unconscious as finally the rage leaves him.

Telling a Lesser Narcissist that the Formal Relationship is over and doing so face to face is an extremely dangerous step.

What of the situation whereby you leave a letter, send a message or just do nothing and allow him to work out that it is over? Once realisation has dawned on him that you have departed, the fury is ignited once again. There is the first criticism and he is severely wounded. The second criticism has not yet happened however. That double-edged criticism has not occurred. This is because although you have left he was not given the chance at the point of knowing it was over to try to stop you. Thus, his fury is ignited but he is not overwhelmed (yet) by the wound. With fury ignited, the Lesser will fly into a rage and lash out at those around him in an immediate knee jerk response to draw fuel in order to address the wound. Straight away his only thought is to find you. If he does and is able to face you face to face, then scenario will pan out as above. He will smash things up in order to reach you, break down doors, assault people to get past them and once he has you face to face you will be ordered to return home. If you do not, you will be forcibly taken back, assaulted in the process. It is akin to a caveman dragging his wife back to the cave.

If you manage to resist his attempts to drag you back, either because he cannot find you or if he can find you he cannot reach you, the failure to achieve his aim will wound him further. Anybody who is in his path – friends, family, strangers, the police – will feel the full force of his raging fury. This will continue in a bid to draw fuel from them. If fuel is provided it will not completely heal the wound (in the way fuel form you would) but rather it will provide him with enough to cause the rage to subside. He will then withdraw to lick his wounds and seek out alternative fuel. He may return, but not straight away. His follow-up hoovers will depend on entering the spheres of influence. His immediate need will be to recover from this criticism and find a new primary source whilst relying on fuel from secondary and tertiary sources.

If you resist his attempts to drag you back and he is unable to draw fuel in the immediacy from those around him – for example he is arrested and slung in his cell, or people stay out of his way- thus he is denied fuel, he will be teetering on the edge of oblivion. The rage will be extinguished as there is nothing left to power it anymore. He will feel weak and a sense of his world coming to an end. He will withdraw and enter a depressed state, hiding away from the cruel and tormenting world. He will stay in this state until such time as someone provides him with the first drops of fuel to pull him from this depressed and weakened state. Like water hitting a thirsting plant, he will respond to this fuel and then have sufficient energy to seek out more and then more, continuing his recovery until he is functioning in his usual way. At this point, he will need a new primary source (if one has not already presented itself to him) and he will apply himself to securing this (which may include hoovering you if circumstances allow). If you are not hoovered, he will seduce a different new primary source and then be occupied with that primary source. You will largely be left alone unless you enter the inner spheres of influence which will unleash a hoover.

The reaction of the Lesser Narcissist to No Contact is one of blinding, blazing fury. He lashes out left, right and centre in the immediate and pressing need for fuel. If he obtains fuel from you and secures stopping you from leaving, the rage will abate. If he cannot stop you but secures fuel, he will eventually withdraw, rage unable to be powered, but with sufficient fuel to still function and seek out a new primary source. If that fuel is denied to him he will ultimately shut down until such time as fuel is provided to awaken him again.

The Lesser’s immediate response is dangerous, violent but entirely predictable.


21 thoughts on “How No Contact Feels – Part One”

  1. I am so sorry about the terrible wounds we inflicted on you. You deserve every ptiy in the world, don´t you? So you can go on destroyting other people´s lives, because you are so terribly wounded by us, your victims. And you actually get a ot of attention fior your terrible plight. We should be ashamed of ourselves doing this to you. You are only doing your best helping us, we should be grateful. You have quite a lot of supply here, don´t you? Playing the victim card. It is old hat for us, you know. We know all your BS. You have gathered a nice little pool of supply here, pretending to help. Well, I am a thriver and i do not fall for this and I do not need your help. You can stick it in a place wehre the sun don´t shine.

    1. 1. I do not require pity. Established readers know that.
      2. No I do not have “quite a lot of supply here” – if you actually applied what I write about you would realise that is the case. Of course you will not because it is far easier to try to make such an accusation. Of course your accusation is incorrect and is thus a failure. The purpose of this is to give people information and answers. My fuel needs are addressed privately.
      3. Nor do I play the victim. Many of our kind do, I do not.

      Well done on not needing my help, although your erroneous suggestions tend to indicate to the contrary.

  2. Hello hg I have enjoyed your blog I left after ten years separated for 3 and went back chaos chaos he’s never cheated but found him on numerous dating sites he has serious body issues apart from me and one other woman ( short relationship ) he has never been with no one he didn’t want me to leave but I couldn’t take no more he has some things at mine he’s been to collect them once and brought more things so my spare room full of his things he said we were better of apart I agreed his family all want me to go back I can’t he has never been violent sorry once but I am a tough cookie and physically he is no match for me both his parents were addicts he was raised in care local authority I do love him but do not like him lies lies lies and can switch his behaviour in seconds one minute he hates them the next there his best friend when we separated he kept my things for 4 years this girl lived with him I never I have my own place he got with her weeks after we separated he told me she could of been anyone he got with her to stop him calling me she had to live in that house with all my things for 3 years even my shampoo photos of me he refused to throw my things away sorry if this is all random I’m 6 months out and since Christmas I have been plagued with calls from a withheld number as soon as I speak the phone goes dead is this him he is a lesser from your description what does he want am I in danger

  3. Can we have a conversation about when a narcissist implements NC against us?

    I called my guy out on his shit after two months.

    The honeymoon/idealization period only lasted about 6 weeks.

    He told me he loved me after 1 week I was the woman of his dreams,

    He told me after one week he loved me.

    He told me o saved him.

    He told me he never had this connection with anyone before.

    He asked me to move in after two weeks.

    He was constantly coming to see me 4-5 times a day ( I own a successful business in a downtown area that he lives two blocks from)

    He was very altruistic to me, my children, my family and my community.

    He changed his appearance to suit mine.

    My dreams became his.

    We had a disagreement.

    I established boundaries.

    He didn’t like it.

    His eyes turned black during discussions.

    His facial muscles tightened. He looked like a ten year old.

    His rage was disproportionate to the discussions.

    He took everything personally.

    I knew something was different/ had shifted after two months.

    I confronted him.

    He told me he was overwhelmed.

    He told me I was better off without him.

    He told me shit was getting real.

    He told me he wasn’t good at commitment.

    He told me it’s not you its me.

    Then I grabbed my things and left.

    Silent treatment for 4 days.

    I went to his house and he was haughty, condescending and gaslighting me. He told me I needed help and I pushed the nuclear trigger.

    Then he looked at me and said I want to be your friend.

    He took no accountability.

    The next day I told him I wanted nothing to do with him…that he was a leach, a con artist and a narcissistic sociopath. I also told him that my family, my community and everyone that knew us as a couple knew about what he did to me, how his eyes turned black (I was scared) and that he was a con artist.

    He has blocked me from his phone….and all other forms of social media. Can we have a discussion on why the narcissist uses this against us, what they think it will do, and if they are waiting for “my kind” to go seek him out.

    Painful… Yes. But I’m holding my ground and not seeking him out. I want to know HG what happens to the narcissist once they are called out? It’s fury…yes. It’s rage…yes.
    But in combination with the fury, the rage, and losing the control over me and the pathological narcissistic space what is happening to your kind?

    By blocking me he may think he is creating harm…but I feel I have the upper hand here.

    Again am I in pain? Yes. But I established clear boundaries…basically told him to pound sand, and stay away from me, my family and my community.

    I hope he is enraged. I hope he is injured. But most of all I hope he is paranoid and will ever set foot in my life, my business and my community.

    Let’s have a conversation about when they use NC against us, it’s like a 10 year old child with his hands in his ears saying “nah…nah…nah…nah…nah”

    You are my hero HG. Love the live interviews the most.

    1. Hello Islandwendee, thank you for your kind words and I did like your summary of the relationship, it reads as an excellent precis of the typical dynamic. Are you wanting me to write something about what happens when you expose to the narcissist himself what he is?

  4. I’ve been no contact for overy a year …through flying monkeys there have been attempts to provoke a response. My response to false allegations were to look up the definition of Projection”.

    Perhaps, because of the holidays I’ve been reflecting …this has brought about unwanted thoughts and emotions. We all have good days and bad. Here’s a song that I can relate to right now.

  5. Thanks hg. I read the other comments and now i see all narcissists will have a,similar type of reaction when someone goes no contact. Can’t wait till your vice book comes out!! I really enjoy your books and daily blogs!! You are a brilliant author.

  6. Good sunday H.G.
    I’m very interest about the reaction of the other level of Narcissist, although I was not the formal partner (only recently I realized that I’m lucky that I’m not his wife although she is unaware of everything and lives happily) so I think think (you correct me if I’m wrong please) that i’m out of danger by large demonstrations of his fury simply because he could a bit angry but then will turn the attention on other new prey and forget me for ever.

    1. He will not forget about you forever. Whether he turns his attention back to you Noah80 depends on whether there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.

  7. This is all too familiar with me . The doors were locked & my car keys would be hidden along with my mobile phone, landline and laptop . I couldn’t contact anyone .

    The times I tried to escape he would drag me back into the house or slash my car tires . He never cared that my neighbors could hear me screaming or about the repercussions just as long as he got me back .

    I lost count of the number of times I had him arrested & from what I gathered he was always arsey with the police ( fuel ) What I never understood was WHY he kept on coming back .. It’s clear now . I was his main supply & he didn’t have enough in reserve .

    Thanks HG ! I can put this question to bed 🙂

  8. Awesome information!. .can’t wait to read about the midrange reaction to no contact. Currently my situation..thank you

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.