The Immediate Aftermath


You have been discarded. The all too inevitable entanglement with out kind. Whether we disappeared without a word, told you we needed space for ourselves or hurled insults at you as to why we hated you and wanted you to drop dead, the fact remains you have been discarded. Your emotions are raw as the discard was only a couple of weeks ago.

To exacerbate this unpleasant, bewildering and upsetting situation you know that we have a new love interest. With what seemed to you to be unnatural haste, we have been seen with a new lady on our arm, your stalking of our Facebook profile reveals we have a new boyfriend from the plethora of loved-up comments and repeated pictures of us arm in arm, grinning out at you as if we are revelling in your misery. You have not yet ascertained that as we devalued you, your replacement was being seduced and to all intents and purposes we appear to have dumped you and secured another partner in the blink of an eye. How could we do this? After all the things we said to you and all the deep and unwavering love that you have showed us, how could we be so uncaring, so nasty, such a downright bastard?

Your head is a whirlwind of questions? Why did he end things? Why did she do it that way? Who is the new person? What if they are happy together forever? What did you do wrong? What about sorting out those joint financial commitments? Could you have done something differently? Is there a chance of working things out? How can someone change like that? These questions and hundreds more torment you and it becomes unbearable. You need to talk to us. You alternate between hurt and angry, shifting between wanting to plead with us for another chance and then wanting to kick us in the balls. Most of all however, you want answers.

What then will happen if you decide to approach us during the aftermath? What reaction will you be met with if you send a message asking for answers to your questions or if you turn up somewhere to meet us in person for the purpose of obtaining some explanations? Naturally, at this juncture, undoubtedly unaware of who you have been entangled with, you do not know that you will not be given those answers. In part this is because there are no answers to give – why should we deign to answer you and do something that you want? Furthermore, many times we just do not have an answer because of the different perspective form which we operate. Add to that we will purposefully avoid giving you answers in order to keep you primed for a later hoover, to draw fuel from you and to frustrate you also.

As you may imagine, the reaction of our kind to being contacted during the initial aftermath of the discard will vary dependent on the school of narcissist that you have been dealing with. Before that is addressed, you should be aware of our general mind set at this time. You failed us. You may not have done anything wrong from your perspective but we regard you as having failed us and this led to our fuel needs being sought elsewhere and once they were secured, you were discarded. This is the most common reason for being discarded; we found a new primary source and once we were satisfied that this person was embedded, then we tossed you to one side. There are other reasons why you are discarded (see  5 Reasons We Discard You ) but the fact we have a new primary source embedded is the most common one.

When that happens we are infatuated with the new primary source. You are effectively forgotten about. You were once idealised, then you were demonised and now it is as if you do not exist because we have someone new and exciting to focus on. We do not want anything spoiling this golden period least of all the last appliance which failed us and malfunctioned and had to be placed on the scrap heap. Accordingly, if you make an appearance in some way by entering a sphere of influence  (The Spheres of Influence) then our reaction will be based on you being persona non grata and if you persist our view of you is one of antipathy, dislike and you are painted black.

Turning to the three schools of narcissism for their nuanced response to your appearance.

The Lesser

There is a good chance that the Lesser will have blocked you from social media and contacting him as part of him considering you effectively dead to him. If he has not done so and you send a message it will be ignored. He has no interest in drawing fuel from you at this point, someone else is servicing his fuel needs and you are just an irritant. If you persist in ringing or sending messages you can expect the following responses:-

“Stop ringing me I hate you.”

“Stop sending me messages, I don’t want anything to do with you.”

“Fuck off.”

“Keep contacting me and I will come down there and give you a kicking.”

The message is clear; you are unwelcome and the Lesser Narcissist wants nothing to do with you.

If you see the Lesser Narcissist and try to talk to him, he will evade you, tell you where to go and make a hasty retreat. He is not interested in you and if you try to stop him you can expect a savage verbal assault or even a physical assault as he wants you to leave him alone so he can concentrate on his new primary source. He has nothing to discuss with you, has not interest in fuel from you at this point and would prefer you to be dead.

The Mid-Ranger

If you are attempting to contact the Mid-Ranger through messages and telephoning you will also be ignored initially. If you persist in trying to make contact with him or her for the purposes of getting some answers, you can expect the following responses:-

“Leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you.”

“Stop stalking me.”

“Keep this up and I am informing the police.”

“Just stop, it is over, you have to accept it.”

The paranoia of the Mid-Ranger will mean that he is concerned you will wreck things with his new primary source by telling lies (the truth) about him. Whilst you re contacting him, he will be showing the new primary source that you are pestering him to accord with the smearing you will have already received. This smearing will continue was you are painted as an obsessive who will not let go, a stalker with mental health issues and a bunny boiler who cannot accept the relationship is over. The new primary source, the façade, the coterie and the Lieutenants will all be told about this ongoing behaviour (suitably embellished) so you are regarded as crazy and out of order. The Mid-Ranger thus preserves the façade and creates a toxic environment so if you do manage to see him or her face to face, you will not be believed and seen as trouble maker.

If an in person encounter takes place, you can expect the Mid-Ranger to want to get the hell out of there. He is preoccupied with the new primary source, he does not want you spoiling that arrangement and wants you to disappear. Lacking the aggression of the Lesser, he will wheel out Lieutenants to make you go away, threaten the use of law enforcement and appeal to others to see exactly why he needed to get rid of you in the first place. He also does not want fuel from you, he just wants you to clear off and leave him to get on with his new play thing unhindered.

The Greater

It is the Greater who welcomes you foolishly getting in touch during his new golden period with the replacement primary source. Suitably confident of his abilities and this new entranced primary source, if you begin to message him, he will seize on this chance to triangulate you with the new primary source, to punish you for failing him and to manipulate you further.

Your text messages and calls will be met with a friendly and amenable response. All the while, the Greater, already having smeared you left, right and centre, will be revelling in you trying to broker a meet-up in order to talk. He will be telling the façade and coterie that he feels sorry for you, that he needs to humour you so you don’t do anything crazy and thus paints himself as the good guy to all those watching. His responses will be along the lines of:-

“Good to hear from you, I hope you are well, what do you want to talk about?”

(What he really means is, good to hear from you because I can manipulate you, I know you aren’t well but what do I care, make me feel special by telling me what you want to talk about.)

“Well, yes we can meet-up but you do know I am with someone else now don’t you, so don’t get any ideas okay?”

“I don’t really see what there is to talk about, but I am willing to listen, I am reasonable.”

“Yes okay we can meet up if it will help you deal with what has happened.”

This apparent caring attitude and pleasantness is all fake. You are being strung along.

When you do meet the Greater, you can expect the new primary source to be there to add to your humiliation as the Greater looks lovingly at her, says good things about her and then when she goes to get a drink, the Greater will lean across the table and snarl at you for having the audacity to get in touch.

If the new primary source is not brought along, the Greater will toy with you, like a cat with a mouse. Letting you speak, enjoying the fuel as you plead, cry and become angry with him or her. He will feign dismay at your behaviour whilst inside he is laughing at you, pleased with this further boost of fuel, supremely confidant that you cannot wreck his new golden period because you have been smeared and character assassinated to a figurative death. Nobody is going to believe you and therefore he is not going to pass up the chance to draw fuel from you, both positive and negative once again. He of the three is the one who is content to respond and meet with you, not that it will get you anywhere at all.

Tempting as it is to want to contact the narcissist when you have been discarded and he is in a new golden period, you will get nowhere. He has someone new now and wants to focus on her. You are an irritant, an annoyance, a reminder of failure or in the case of the Greater something to toy with further for the purpose of gaining fuel. Instead, use the period whilst the narcissist is distracted with his new plaything to build your defences, gain understanding and prepare for the hoovers which will be following down the line.



33 thoughts on “The Immediate Aftermath”

  1. Pingback: Why Does The Narcissist Blow Hot and Cold? Part One ⋆
  2. Hello again HG, its almost like your my ex except your giving all the answers honestly, its like a dream come true really. is it possible for Mid Range types to derive any type of fuel from inanimate object associated to grandiosity attained through say, projected success in sport through dedication and practice? And I suppose you have noticed that I am playing the game too by giving a droplet of fuel for the answer…wink wink. You have these disorders downpat dont you haha thats why its easy to like you, you are honest from your perspective. I get that

    1. Hello Bridget, indeed I do. Yes we will derive fuel from using an inanimate object as part of a triangulation with a person, a trophy or a medal is apt to be used in that way.

  3. HG I have a question that maybe u can answer for me. My husband (we’ve been together 3.5 yrs) shows characteristics of all 3 schools u describe. At different times and situations. Even if the situation is similar and has repeated itself, he has acted in a way of each kind of way of the 3 different school types. So is that common or is there a way to differentiate which of the 3 he may be? Also, Ive asked u b4 & not received any answer about if uve released a book describing the 3 different kinds of NPDs. Thnx

  4. About this topic my narc acted as a Mid-Range. Is it possible that for some aspects a person can be Greater and for some other aspects he/she can be Mid-Range?

    1. Hello Noah80, yes, some of the traits of a Greater may manifest in a Mid-Ranger but never the awareness. That is always the preserve of the Greater.

    2. My question is does a Lesser graduate to a Mid-, and then a Greater as they hone their skills?

  5. Hi HG. I’m new to your site, and am blown away by your writings. My off and on again love all through high school hovered me back after 27 years. I just recently realized what he truly is. What happens if you have discarded him and are only met with the silent treatment? Also, is there any point when there may be true and unexpected guilt? I found out there were/are two other women, but he wasn’t fully able to function sexually with me. He was my first lover when we were in high school. It was three years before I slept with him, and he cried when we did rhen. This time, we started to but he physically couldn’t. Also, his daughter told me he had bought new sheets for me. She said it was the first time he bought new sheets in 20 years. Given how many women were being rotated through his bed, I’m glad he got new sheets. I guess I’m just wondering if there is ever anyone who might in some way hold a form of respect to the narcissist? Thank you so much. I appreciate your thoughts, and am so happy I found your site!

    1. I respect my ex in a couple areas. No one is all bad or all good. Isn’t that the narcs world–either white or black? What attracted me to my ex is his brillance, Mensa status. He has incredible an incredible, interesting mind. We would talk for hours. I’ve always been fortunate to be able to interact with famous, brilliant minds, but he blew me away. But I didn’t know he had other plans for me. Once the conversations became boring to him, he had other diabolical plans for me . . . . I love him and it saddens me that he is so damaged. What he’s done after his damage occurred is his responsibilty, but as a child he had nowhere to go.

    1. No discounts. Those who’ve had them will confirm I’ve read extra material ahead of the consults without deducting reading time from the consult time and allowed extra time where applicable without additional charge, but I tell you what how about a No Discard Guarantee with every purchase?

      1. I’d like to use your services Mr. Tudor. But I’m afraid I’m already over my last narc. So we might not have much to talk about… Unless you provide other consulting services.

        1. Maybe the discussion could ascertain if you are actually over him – a degree of stress-testing if you will, not aimed at troubling you but rather ascertaining the parameters.

      2. I did just stop seeing my last therapist.
        It is an interesting challenge to see if you can break me. Do you think you can?
        I’m sure she’d appreciate me going back to her.

      3. Re the consults, I had scheduled one initially in part as a way to contribute for all the content Ive enjoyed reading, but I really found talking to someone so sharp offered great perspective so I booked a few more. I don’t normally comment much on blogs, but wanted to add my recommendation – v insightful, professional, speaks from lots of experience 🙂

      4. LOL No Discard Guarantee . . . I like your sense of humor. This morning you caused me to laugh . . . I now have hope I will laugh about this entire experience someday . . . the drama will fade and someone else in this shitty little town will be in the forefront. I will hold my head high once again. And tease the up and coming Greaters, as this town has more narcissists per capita than any other place I’ve lived! I learned how to get fuel from narcs . . . and now I’m learning to walk away from my ex . . . seems my replacement didn’t work out . . . lucky girl dodged a bullet. Fool me once . . . . Good day my brilliant Mentor. To take what some would coin unfortunate into an asset is admirable.
        I do Human Design readings for $200.00 an hour. Because I am a perfectionist and very good at what I do, I spend approximately 8 hours in preparation, plus their foundation reading, often going over an hour, remain open to questions, I understand I’m never going to get rich doing this. In fact, comparatively am in t yhe hole moneywise!

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