Ghosted and Gilded

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The opportunity to understand the way that the narcissist thinks and behaves is a rare occurrence. Here you will find an array of explanations across different topics and scenarios which will give you unrivalled insight into this dark and destructive individual. Gaining understanding of how this person regards you and the world around him or her is the key to unshackling yourself from the confusion, bewilderment and distress that accompanies any entanglement with a narcissist. This book provides a multitude of observations which will illuminate your understanding and assist you in gaining comprehension of what you are dealing with.

UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ghosted-Gilded-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01HRTFM3G

US https://www.amazon.com/Ghosted-Gilded-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01HRTFM3G

CAN https://www.amazon.ca/Ghosted-Gilded-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01HRTFM3G

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It’s Hoover Time!

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There are many different hoovers but the ones which attract the most attention are those which take place post discard or post escape, namely the Initial Grand Hoover which is the bombardment which follows you escape in order to drag you back into our world or the Follow-Up Hoovers (either Benign of Malign) which take place later and happen irrespective of whether the method of cessation of the Formal Relationship was your escape or our discard.

The Initial Grand Hoover is the most concentrated post escape hoover and its efficacy depends on the type of narcissist you are dealing with and the defences you have created as part of instigating no contact. If there has been no IGH owing to Discard or the relevant factors have not caused on to happen post escape, then it is the Follow-Up Hoover (“FUH”) which is often discussed by victims because that is the one which is most feared, the one which is most expected and most recognised. In some instances, it is even the case that this hoover is actually wanted by the victim for reasons I have expounded previously. The fascination with the FUH is such that people wonder when it is going to happen, how it will happen, will it happen at all, will it happen many times and so forth. I always explain that whether a FUH takes place is primarily determined by whether you have entered one of the six spheres of influence. The first five are entered by you doing something or being in a particular place. The sixth is when you just happen to pop up in our mind for whatever reason. However, the fact that you have entered the relevant sphere of influence is not the only deciding factor as to whether the FUH will take place. There always has to have been an appearance in a sphere of influence for the FUH to be triggered. Whether it is then executed against you depends on other factors. Those factors are as follows: –

  1. The narcissist’s current fuel supplies;
  2. Did you escape or is that you were discarded;
  3. The manner of this escape or discard;
  4. The ease of contact with you;
  5. The nature of the fuel to be obtained;
  6. Potential obstacles.
  7. The type of narcissist you are involved with.

These factors have differing applicability subject to the school of narcissist that you have been entangled with.

How then does our kind approach the prospective hoover? I shall explain what (if anything) goes through our minds, what we consider and how we might go about it by reference to each of the schools of narcissism (Lesser, Mid-Range and the Greater) and by reference to each sphere of influence.

Accordingly, the first sphere is the one where you are physically proximate to you. This is where you are within earshot of us and we are able to get near enough to you to talk to you and see your reactions. It might be the case that you have called around to see us for whatever reason, you may have to interact with us at a school event where our children attended or you may be in a bar or restaurant that we have walked into or vice versa. What is our response?

  1. The Lesser Narcissist

The Lesser is not going to turn this opportunity down when it is presented on a plate for him. If his fuel supplies are good, for instance he has a new primary source and/or he is fuelled from supplementary sources this will increase his energy level to hoover you. If his fuel supplies are low (he has not yet secured a new primary source and supplementary sources are low functioning for him) he will still seek to hoover because this is much needed fuel. The fuel levels will affect the type of hoover. Higher fuel levels are more likely to lead to a benign hoover, lower to a malign hoover. This is because the Lesser will not have the energy to charm but rather needs a quick fix when those fuel levels are low. Furthermore, the fact he has no primary source in place yet will of course be your fault because you escaped (a narcissist will not discard without an alternative being available).

If you were discarded, he is not going to ignore the opportunity and if you escaped he will certainly not ignore this opportunity. There is a score to settle and if you escaped this also increases the likelihood of the FUH being malign.

The manner of your escape or discard does not matter to the Lesser, he will not be considering this as he is like a ravenous beast who has just seen a fresh piece of meat placed in reach. He is not considering whether the meat might trigger a trap or be poisoned, all he knows is that he is hungry for that juicy flesh again.

The ease of contact is also not something that the Lesser is bothered about. You are in front of him, that is all that matters. It does not matter who is there or where this proximate contact takes place the fact is you are there in front of him, tempting and inviting. This appearance overrides such considerations.

The nature of fuel is not a major concern either to the lesser in such a situation. Once again he just knows there is fuel available and he wants it. He does not concern himself with how much you used to provide, how potent it was, whether you will still yield this fuel or not, all he knows is that he is going to feel far more powerful by interacting with you. Remember the Lesser is not aware of what fuel is, how it governs him, all he knows is that when he upsets you, makes you smile, makes you praise him and so on he feels so much better. That is the dominant thought running through his mind. He is not concerning himself with whether he is going to secure the resumption of the Formal Relationship with you. That may or may not happen. That is like asking the ravenous beast whether he is going to eat five or six carcasses. He does not know or care. He just wants to sink his teeth into the first one and then go from there.

Potential obstacles do not cross his mind either. The risk of being rejected is not a consideration, the potential for wounding will not cross his mind because you are there in front of him. Remember, the Lesser has very little self-control and he is chomping at the bit to interact with you.

The Lesser will immediately stop what he is doing and make a bee-line for you and launch into a hoover. The only consideration with a Lesser who sees you in the first sphere of influence is whether this hoover will be malign or benign in nature. He will have no regard to his surroundings as he will adopt tunnel vision as his you his prey is presented square in his sights. He will either bound over with puppy dog eyes and slavering tongue or pounce on you with snarls and teeth bared. You will always be hoovered by a Lesser in the first sphere.

  1. The Mid-Ranger

The effect of the fuel supplies with a Mid-Ranger are reversed compared to that of a Lesser. If the Mid-Ranger has high fuel supplies (he has a new primary source) he is likely to be malign because he will not be able to resist bragging about his new girlfriend/fiancée/wife etc. in order to provoke a jealous reaction. He will also comment about how much happier he is and how he is better off without you. If his fuel levels are lower (no primary source yet found or it is not performing) he will present in a more pitiful manner and therefore will be benign. He will sign your praises, explain how much he misses you, how empty life is without you and so forth in a bid to draw positive fuel from you and draw you back into the Formal Relationship. By appearing in front of him he cannot forego this opportunity to take centre stage in his own pity play and hoover you.

If you escaped expect the pity to increase. If you were discarded expect the nature of the hoover to be arrogant. The nature of cessation and also its manner will have an aggravating or diminishing factor on the effect caused by the nature of the fuel supplies. The influence of the fuel is greater than the effect of the cessation and how it occurred.

By way of example, if the Mid Ranger has high fuel levels and you escaped, he will be boastful but at the back of his mind he knows you escaped him and he is alive to that fact now. His comments will be passive aggressive in nature,

“Yes well you did what you did but it is okay I forgive you because I have Jessica now.”

If the Mid Ranger has high fuel levels and he discarded you he will extoll the virtues of his new supply without any restraint, singing her praises in order to try to upset you.

If the Mid Ranger has low fuel levels and discarded you, his pity will still be the overwhelming consideration but he will exhibit contrition, as the fact of the discard will temper the contrition somewhat.

If the Mid Ranger has low fuel levels and you escaped, the pity will flow like a river and it was all your fault, you were awful to him and how could you do that to someone like him?

In terms of the ease of contact, since you are in the Mid-Ranger’s close proximity he is not going to pass this opportunity up and therefore, subject to the other considerations, the ease of contact will increase the likelihood of a hoover.

With regard to the nature of the fuel the Mid-Range will be a little more circumspect. Whereas the Lesser will just see prey and bound towards it to nuzzle it or devour it, the Mid-Ranger will exhibit some evaluation of whether the fuel provision will be good or not. If he is able to note that you are still numbed form the encounter with him and therefore less likely to provide potent fuel, he will still hoover (because you are there) but he will not expend a lot of energy in doing so. The conversation will be brief. If he recalls how excellent your fuel was and sees no reason for this to have changed then he will latch on to you for a good feed of fuel.

In respect of obstacles, the Mid-Ranger will have some regard to them. If he perceives that you are going to wound him again or humiliate him (perhaps you are with friends or a new partner) he will still attempt the hoover but the engagement will be brief. If there are no obstacles and subject to the other considerations detailed above, he will hoover you and either be pleasant yet pitiful in order to draw you back in or exhibit arrogance in order to draw negative fuel and lay down a marker in the hope of causing you to feel upset and dismayed you are no longer with him (thus priming you for a different kind of follow-up hoover after this initial skirmish).

The Mid-Ranger will always hoover when you appear in the first sphere. The main considerations are the type of FUH and how sustained it will be.

  1. The Greater

What then of the Greater?

If fuel levels are high then expect a charming hoover which will be a combination of praising you, declaring how well you look, him showing off about his latest achievements, discussing his new car or new paper that he written. He is feeling powerful but also generous with it. You can share in his grandiosity. The Greater will flirt with you even if the new primary source is there. This is too good an opportunity to miss to draw fuel from two sources and copious amounts of it.

If fuel levels are low the Greater will actually be wary. This is because he knows that there is a risk that he will be wounded (see the other considerations) and therefore he is mindful, owing to his awareness, that significant damage might be done to him. He will therefore evaluate the situation carefully before proceeding.

If you were discarded and fuel levels are high, the ebullience of the Greater will override any potential adverse reaction you might exhibit. On the contrary he will think that you will be so delighted to see him that you will fall into his arms in an instant under another dose of concentrated magnetism and charisma.

If you escaped and fuel levels are high, the Greater will relish the opportunity to draw you back in and settle a score not by lashing out but by winning you over again to prove how masterful and commanding he is.

If fuel levels are low and you were discarded, the Greater will sense that fuel remains available and he will approach. If you were discarded with no explanation he knows that if you are angry about the manner of the discard, then he gains fuel. If you are upset about the manner of the discard he gains fuel. If you discarded with some kind of good-bye he knows that you will still hold out hope for the resumption of the Formal Relationship and therefore he will approach and hoover, being cautiously charming and respectful.

If fuel levels are low and you escaped, the Greater will be very wary that you may deal with him in a manner which will wound. He will carefully evaluate the situation. At this juncture he does not have the energy levels to seduce you but he sees an opportunity for fuel on his doorstep, therefore in this situation he will not be looking to charm you (that is more likely to happen on another occasion). Instead he will look to provoke a negative reaction from and lash out at you to shock, upset or anger you. This will be a vitriolic and savage verbal assault aimed at stunning you with is sudden ferocity in order to draw a concentrated burst of negative fuel which will sustain him and allow him to take delight in what he has achieved without further risk to himself.

The ease of contact is straight forward. You are there before him.

The Greater is the best at evaluating the likely fuel to be provided. He will know if you are likely to fountain with fuel and therefore you will prove extremely tempting. It just depends on whether he ought to press the buttons for positive fuel (see considerations above) or to opt for negative as just described. He will also be able to sense if fuel provision is likely to be low (for instance you are adopting low/no fuel techniques or your levels are low owing to the emotional state you are in). He will factor this likely level of reward into determining what he will do. The Greater is more likely to draw fuel (even if levels are low) from you, given his expertise and it is a question of whether it is positive or negative.

The Greater will also take into careful account any potential obstacles before making his move. He will handle any challenge from friends or a new boyfriend for example with ease if his fuel levels are high, by charming and deflecting any attempts to do him down. If fuel levels are low, he will look to draw negative fuel form your supporters as well in a similar way as he will from you with a short, sharp shock.

The Greater will assess the situation before making his move. He will either sweep in full of charm, effusive praise and grandiosity, sweeping you off your feet or slide a knife between your ribs, sink his teeth into your neck and bludgeon those accompanying you before darting away in a smash and grab of negative fuel.

For all three schools your physical presence is too much to resist and you will be hoovered. What is affected is the manner, duration and type of FUH you are subjected to. Accordingly, you should be aware that if you make yourself directly physically available to your narcissist you will be hovered.

The Immediate Aftermath

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You have been discarded. The all too inevitable entanglement with out kind. Whether we disappeared without a word, told you we needed space for ourselves or hurled insults at you as to why we hated you and wanted you to drop dead, the fact remains you have been discarded. Your emotions are raw as the discard was only a couple of weeks ago.

To exacerbate this unpleasant, bewildering and upsetting situation you know that we have a new love interest. With what seemed to you to be unnatural haste, we have been seen with a new lady on our arm, your stalking of our Facebook profile reveals we have a new boyfriend from the plethora of loved-up comments and repeated pictures of us arm in arm, grinning out at you as if we are revelling in your misery. You have not yet ascertained that as we devalued you, your replacement was being seduced and to all intents and purposes we appear to have dumped you and secured another partner in the blink of an eye. How could we do this? After all the things we said to you and all the deep and unwavering love that you have showed us, how could we be so uncaring, so nasty, such a downright bastard?

Your head is a whirlwind of questions? Why did he end things? Why did she do it that way? Who is the new person? What if they are happy together forever? What did you do wrong? What about sorting out those joint financial commitments? Could you have done something differently? Is there a chance of working things out? How can someone change like that? These questions and hundreds more torment you and it becomes unbearable. You need to talk to us. You alternate between hurt and angry, shifting between wanting to plead with us for another chance and then wanting to kick us in the balls. Most of all however, you want answers.

What then will happen if you decide to approach us during the aftermath? What reaction will you be met with if you send a message asking for answers to your questions or if you turn up somewhere to meet us in person for the purpose of obtaining some explanations? Naturally, at this juncture, undoubtedly unaware of who you have been entangled with, you do not know that you will not be given those answers. In part this is because there are no answers to give – why should we deign to answer you and do something that you want? Furthermore, many times we just do not have an answer because of the different perspective form which we operate. Add to that we will purposefully avoid giving you answers in order to keep you primed for a later hoover, to draw fuel from you and to frustrate you also.

As you may imagine, the reaction of our kind to being contacted during the initial aftermath of the discard will vary dependent on the school of narcissist that you have been dealing with. Before that is addressed, you should be aware of our general mind set at this time. You failed us. You may not have done anything wrong from your perspective but we regard you as having failed us and this led to our fuel needs being sought elsewhere and once they were secured, you were discarded. This is the most common reason for being discarded; we found a new primary source and once we were satisfied that this person was embedded, then we tossed you to one side. There are other reasons why you are discarded (see  5 Reasons We Discard You ) but the fact we have a new primary source embedded is the most common one.

When that happens we are infatuated with the new primary source. You are effectively forgotten about. You were once idealised, then you were demonised and now it is as if you do not exist because we have someone new and exciting to focus on. We do not want anything spoiling this golden period least of all the last appliance which failed us and malfunctioned and had to be placed on the scrap heap. Accordingly, if you make an appearance in some way by entering a sphere of influence  (The Spheres of Influence) then our reaction will be based on you being persona non grata and if you persist our view of you is one of antipathy, dislike and you are painted black.

Turning to the three schools of narcissism for their nuanced response to your appearance.

The Lesser

There is a good chance that the Lesser will have blocked you from social media and contacting him as part of him considering you effectively dead to him. If he has not done so and you send a message it will be ignored. He has no interest in drawing fuel from you at this point, someone else is servicing his fuel needs and you are just an irritant. If you persist in ringing or sending messages you can expect the following responses:-

“Stop ringing me I hate you.”

“Stop sending me messages, I don’t want anything to do with you.”

“Fuck off.”

“Keep contacting me and I will come down there and give you a kicking.”

The message is clear; you are unwelcome and the Lesser Narcissist wants nothing to do with you.

If you see the Lesser Narcissist and try to talk to him, he will evade you, tell you where to go and make a hasty retreat. He is not interested in you and if you try to stop him you can expect a savage verbal assault or even a physical assault as he wants you to leave him alone so he can concentrate on his new primary source. He has nothing to discuss with you, has not interest in fuel from you at this point and would prefer you to be dead.

The Mid-Ranger

If you are attempting to contact the Mid-Ranger through messages and telephoning you will also be ignored initially. If you persist in trying to make contact with him or her for the purposes of getting some answers, you can expect the following responses:-

“Leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you.”

“Stop stalking me.”

“Keep this up and I am informing the police.”

“Just stop, it is over, you have to accept it.”

The paranoia of the Mid-Ranger will mean that he is concerned you will wreck things with his new primary source by telling lies (the truth) about him. Whilst you re contacting him, he will be showing the new primary source that you are pestering him to accord with the smearing you will have already received. This smearing will continue was you are painted as an obsessive who will not let go, a stalker with mental health issues and a bunny boiler who cannot accept the relationship is over. The new primary source, the façade, the coterie and the Lieutenants will all be told about this ongoing behaviour (suitably embellished) so you are regarded as crazy and out of order. The Mid-Ranger thus preserves the façade and creates a toxic environment so if you do manage to see him or her face to face, you will not be believed and seen as trouble maker.

If an in person encounter takes place, you can expect the Mid-Ranger to want to get the hell out of there. He is preoccupied with the new primary source, he does not want you spoiling that arrangement and wants you to disappear. Lacking the aggression of the Lesser, he will wheel out Lieutenants to make you go away, threaten the use of law enforcement and appeal to others to see exactly why he needed to get rid of you in the first place. He also does not want fuel from you, he just wants you to clear off and leave him to get on with his new play thing unhindered.

The Greater

It is the Greater who welcomes you foolishly getting in touch during his new golden period with the replacement primary source. Suitably confident of his abilities and this new entranced primary source, if you begin to message him, he will seize on this chance to triangulate you with the new primary source, to punish you for failing him and to manipulate you further.

Your text messages and calls will be met with a friendly and amenable response. All the while, the Greater, already having smeared you left, right and centre, will be revelling in you trying to broker a meet-up in order to talk. He will be telling the façade and coterie that he feels sorry for you, that he needs to humour you so you don’t do anything crazy and thus paints himself as the good guy to all those watching. His responses will be along the lines of:-

“Good to hear from you, I hope you are well, what do you want to talk about?”

(What he really means is, good to hear from you because I can manipulate you, I know you aren’t well but what do I care, make me feel special by telling me what you want to talk about.)

“Well, yes we can meet-up but you do know I am with someone else now don’t you, so don’t get any ideas okay?”

“I don’t really see what there is to talk about, but I am willing to listen, I am reasonable.”

“Yes okay we can meet up if it will help you deal with what has happened.”

This apparent caring attitude and pleasantness is all fake. You are being strung along.

When you do meet the Greater, you can expect the new primary source to be there to add to your humiliation as the Greater looks lovingly at her, says good things about her and then when she goes to get a drink, the Greater will lean across the table and snarl at you for having the audacity to get in touch.

If the new primary source is not brought along, the Greater will toy with you, like a cat with a mouse. Letting you speak, enjoying the fuel as you plead, cry and become angry with him or her. He will feign dismay at your behaviour whilst inside he is laughing at you, pleased with this further boost of fuel, supremely confidant that you cannot wreck his new golden period because you have been smeared and character assassinated to a figurative death. Nobody is going to believe you and therefore he is not going to pass up the chance to draw fuel from you, both positive and negative once again. He of the three is the one who is content to respond and meet with you, not that it will get you anywhere at all.

Tempting as it is to want to contact the narcissist when you have been discarded and he is in a new golden period, you will get nowhere. He has someone new now and wants to focus on her. You are an irritant, an annoyance, a reminder of failure or in the case of the Greater something to toy with further for the purpose of gaining fuel. Instead, use the period whilst the narcissist is distracted with his new plaything to build your defences, gain understanding and prepare for the hoovers which will be following down the line.

 

Total Collapse of Your Heart

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Music. One of the most powerful ways of conveying feelings and emotions. From the tension inducing strings used in the shower scene in Psycho, to the ominous double bass as the shark theme from Jaws (my ring tone incidentally) and to the uplifting melodies of Walking on Sunshine, music has a formidable power to instill sadness, joy and fear. From the earliest days of our existence as we delighted in the sung nursery rhymes of Three Blind Mice or the excitement of a toddler recognising the theme tune to his or her favourite television programme through to the regal Entrance of the Queen of Sheba at a wedding or the accompanying sounds to a funeral,music is all pervading and all powerful. Music creates the urge to dance and to sing. It inspires and motivates. Think how much further you can run on that treadmill when you listen to some up tempo dance music or your favourite pop tunes.Supermarkets alter the music played over the tannoy to influence the speed at which shoppers move about the store, advertisers look for that annoyingly catchy jingle that is always associated with a particular product and if you are placed on hold some soothing strings are played to you in order to maintain its patience (although I must concede that does not always have the desired effect). Music has the capacity to change moods in an instant, to heighten feelings and manipulate emotions and of course it is this last characteristic of music that is so useful to our kind.

We use music extensively in the way that we manipulate. We may exhibit our proficiency with a musical instrument to lure you to us, this being a particularly favourite step of the cerebral of our kind. Our somatic brethren use the breathless excitement of a frenetic and popular entertainer at the sold-out concert to draw their prey. We ensure that we create a catalogue of songs which will generate Ever Presence when we have discarded you or you try to escape us through the application of no contact. Every time you hear the opening strains of The Power of Love, your mind is taken back to the times we held one another as we listened to that song and I pledged to ‘protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampires from your door’.You are engulfed in sadness at such a memory and music has taken you back to that time in an instant. We of course always look to create ‘our song’ which we use at first as a device to hook you, hold you and then repeatedly remind you of what we once had and torture you in the months and years following the cessation of our relationship. Naturally, when assessing you as a target,I had regard to the songs you posted late at night, perhaps when you were mulling over a previous relationship, on your Face Book news feed. I worked through your social media, making a note of the songs you refer to and the context as I begin to compile that playlist for use when I commence my seduction of you. I may use a Lieutenant to gain access to your CD collection or to scroll through your Itunes list. He or she will have particular regard to how often certain songs have been played, when looking on Itunes and feeding that information to me. I make use of your list of songs and then supplement that list with the stock lists which I have and repeatedly use. I have such ready-made playlists of my favourite songs dependent on your favourite genres, accordingly I have a pop one, a rock one, a dance one, a classical one, a soundtrack one and so on. All except rap. Rap is no use when trying to seduce.

If you revel in the disposable joy of pop music I will have a set of tracks for use with you when I seduce you. I know these are effective because I used them with my last pop-loving victim. One of my favourite methods of seduction is to not tell you how I feel about you directly but always convey it via the power of music. I will send you a text with a song title which will implicitly suggest that you look it up on YouTube or Itunes and in so doing you will sit and smile as the music washes over you and the seduction begins to envelop you. I may send you the link for the song, or I may purchase the CD and leave it on the passenger seat of your car for you to play. I may feign that I was so hurt by my last relationship that I struggle to tell you how I feel and can only do so through the medium of music. This makes you feel special and each time I provide you with the details of a song I provide you with a concentrated blast of delicious and addictive seduction.

By contrast, during my devaluation of you I will deny ever liking certain songs that I once professed to love, in order to confuse you. I will change the type of music that I prefer and claim I have always loved that music. I will denigrate your music choices, complaining loudly if you play certain music or leaving the room. When I know you are struggling and feeling weak I will then revert to the seduction tactics and suddenly fill the room with the sound of a particular song which is so very significant to you and just stand and stare at you waiting for the inevitable tears to start to flow along with the fuel that I desire. Music is a powerful tool in our hands, it allows us to seduce, it allows us to denigrate and it allows us to seduce once again.It lifts you up, it makes you feel cherished and special because we know exactly the right pieces of music and songs to  play to you. We know, just like that catchy song, how to ensure that every time you hear certain songs you remember us and the pain and longing flows once again. Music is a major weapon that we are able to use. As Bonnie Tyler sang, “Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart.”

Watching You Crumble

watching-you-crumbleWe don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you. We are engrossed in our own world and have no interest in yours. The only time we pay attention to you is when you are providing us with fuel or you stop providing us with fuel. Everything we do is focussed around us. This is because we have to obtain fuel, as without we will disintegrate. The hunger for this fuel is never ending and accordingly all of our energy must be applied towards obtaining it. This leaves us with nothing left over for anyone else.

Being a caregiver yourself, you would like to think that the person who you share your life with, or who you work closely with, would be amenable to providing you with support. That may mean giving you emotional support when you are experiencing a difficult time or taking the strain allowing you to lessen the burden on yourself. You give and you are happy to do so, therefore why should they not do so as well? That is the outlook of someone normal operating by the norms and rules of your world. Those do not apply to us. We cannot provide you with support since we have nothing available to do so.

Added to that we do not know how to provide emotional support. Yes we can see how chores can be done and the like. We also have observed the ways that you provide emotional support to other people and we know the phrases that are used, the expressions that are formed on people’s faces and the gestures that are made. We have seen all that and we could trot all that out. In fact we have done in the past. We did this when we were seducing you. When we wanted you to divulge about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities this will have invariably saddened you and upset you. It may even have caused an episode where you need emotional support. We were happy to go through the motions then because we were at the stage of investing in your in order to get our fuel. We were content to make the right noises, give you a hug and make the panacea that is the cup of tea. All of this was learned from others. We did not feel anything for you. We could not put ourselves in your shoes (heaven forbid that would ever happen) and we could not empathise with what you were experiencing and nor can we ever do that. Yet again, we conned you into thinking that we are a caring and selfless person. We demonstrated such an approach when we were first together and that attracted you to us. This raised expectations that you could rely on us and turn to us when the need arose. It is all false.

Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak. We despise weakness. You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly. We do not want to be reminded of that fact. We cannot be bothered with you cluttering up our route to fuel. An exhibition of weakness infuriates us. A normal person would see someone in a position of weakness and deign to help and assist. We have seen how this is a natural reaction in normal people. It will not happen with us.

If you are fortunate, we will absent ourselves from the situation in an instant. We will generate some urgent reason; find a pressing engagement we had forgotten about in order to ensure we can get away from you and your ailment, woe or injury. You probably will never see us move as quick when it comes to getting away from somebody who needs help. If we are unable to exit the situation then we may just stand and look at you. You could be reaching out to us, eyes filled with tears of pain, asking for help and we will just give you a blank stare. We know we ought to be helping you, convention and observation has told us this, but we cannot do so. We are unable to leave but we are also unable to help you. This requires compassion and we do not have any. It requires us to us our energies to help you out and we are forbidden from doing so.

Our ultimate reaction where you need support from us is to go on the offensive. The uncomfortable feeling that you have generated inside of us makes us feel less powerful and smacks of inferiority. We know of only one way to banish such a sensation. We need to reassert our power and that means we must lash out at you. It becomes necessary to subject you to further insults and denigrating comments, at a time when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.

“What are you crying for? I have had worse happen to me.”

“I am sick and tired of you being pathetic. Deal with it.”

“I bet (insert name of triangulated individual) would not make such a song and dance about it like you do.”

“It’s only a dog, you can get another one. Seriously, what a display over a dumb animal.”

“You are hysterical, you need to get help.”

“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

“That’s right; make it about you on my special day.”

We will lash out at you with these words in order to make you feel worse and ourselves feel better because that is all we care about. We fooled you into thinking that we care about you. That is a fallacy. Do not expect us to support you.

Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us. If you chopped us in half you would most likely find this stencilled through us like lettering on a stick of rock

“Do as I say, not do as I do.”

How No Contact Feels Part – Two

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The response of the Lesser Narcissist to the implementation of No Contact has been described, what then of the Mid-Range Narcissist? Let us begin with the scenario where you have decided to escape him and you convey this news to him in person.

The declaration that you are ending the Formal Relationship will naturally result in the Mid Ranger experiencing criticism and thus his fury will be ignited. Unlike the Lesser, The Mid Ranger will be able to exert some control over this ignited fury. He also tends to have it manifest as cold fury, rather than heated fury. The initial response will be for the Mid Ranger to keep the ignited fury under control. Instead, he will focus his energies on a Preventative Hoover as he tries to stop you from moving forward with your stated intention. The Mid Ranger will rarely utilise charm in the Preventative Hoover (unlike the Greater) but instead will opt for deploying a Pity Play and appealing to your empathic traits such as compassion, pity and guilt. The Mid Ranger, will not, at least at first, lash out like a Lesser. He can maintain some control for a short period of time. He is also predisposed to acting in a passive aggressive manner along with having the benefit of having some calculating ability. He will realise that you are naturally dissatisfied with his behaviour and performance in the Formal Relationship and this is what he will seize on. Whilst he is able to maintain control, he will opt for apologising and showing apparent recognition of the faults you may well have described in your parting shot. When telling a Mid Ranger that the Formal Relationship is at an end, you should expect to hear the following comments: –

“I realise now that things are not as good as they should be, I am sorry.”

“You are right; I have not been thinking about you as much as I should have.”

“I have been busy with work and I have neglected you. I guess I have been trying to do the right thing for us by working hard, but I got it wrong.”

“I won’t be able to manage without you.”

“You cannot leave me; I won’t know what to do.”

“I will be lost without you.”

“I should have realised sooner but I have been distracted, I have not treated you as well as I should have.”

“Please give me a chance to put things right.”

“You are right in what you say, I need to change. I can. Please will you help me?”

“I just need another chance and you will see that I can makes things right again.”

You can expect earnest looks, tears and apparent remorse and contrition. None of it is real in terms of being meant for you. Instead this is the manifestation of the Mid-Ranger’s growing fear at the looming loss of his primary source. He is fearful for himself, feels sorry for himself and appears to be contrite and remorseful purely as a device to stop you from leaving.

If this Preventative Hoover fails, then the Mid-Range suffers a further criticism and now his ignited fury can no longer be kept under control. He lacks the ability to continue this control and furthermore the increased criticism has wounded him considerably meaning the wound needs to be healed. The ignited fury causes him to seek fuel and since you are proximate to him, that fuel will be sought from you.

The immediate manifestation of this ignited fury will be through cold fury. The Mid Ranger will sulkily seek to apply emotional blackmail against you in order to provoke a reaction from you and thus gain fuel. Expect to hear comments such as: –

“I cannot believe you are doing this after everything that I have done for you.”

“So, this is how you treat someone who has loved you like nobody else?”

“How can you do this to me? Don’t I mean anything to you?”

“I was right. You are just selfish aren’t you? I have done so much for you and you treat me like dirt.”

“You are a selfish bitch, all my friends said you would do this, but oh no, I defended you. Looks like I wasted my time.”

Note how in the Preventative Hoover there was apparently some recognition of being at fault, some sense of culpability and blame? That was false and this is demonstrated by the sudden switch to blaming you instead. It was never the fault of the Mid Ranger; it was your fault all along. He is hard done to and you are the horrible, awful person who has been so beastly to him.

If you react and provide fuel, the Mid Ranger will keep going, laying the guilt on thick in order to heal his wound with the fuel that you have provided. If you supply sufficient fuel for this to happen and his ignited fury is extinguished, he will then withdraw. He will not risk attempting a further Preventative Hoover. He has enough awareness to realise that his shift to blaming you, insulting you and accusing you of being the one at fault will not bring you back. However, with fury extinguished he will instead withdraw and turn his attention to seeking a new primary source. You will be let go and in his mind the Mid-Ranger will be the one who has ended it.

If you fail to provide any fuel at this additional criticism, if you are dealing with a Lower Mid-Ranger you may find yourself subjected to some property destruction and/or low level violence (slapping, pushing, spitting) in order to try again to draw fuel. If it is provided, the behaviour will continue until the fury is extinguished and then he will withdraw.

If you fail to provide any fuel, then the Mid Ranger will effectively flounce off and walk away from you. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, this enables him to maintain that he ended the relationship with you. Secondly, this is because he will now seek out sympathetic secondary and even tertiary sources to regale them with his tale of woe at how horrible you have been and to smear you. This will garner him the fuel he needs (since you failed to provide it) and his wound will be addressed. He will then focus on acquiring the new primary source to replace you, leaving you alone. The Mid Ranger will be extensive in his smearing of you and the sucking up of sympathy from anybody and everybody. He will play the victim to a considerable degree and is therefore likely to obtain the fuel he needs to heal his wound and then provide him with the energy to seek out the new primary source. He will play the hard done to spouse, the cuckolded boyfriend as he invents all manner of tales about your reprehensible behaviour in order to milk the situation he is in for all it is worth.

If you do not tell the Mid Ranger that the Formal Relationship has ended in person and instead you send a message, leave a note and let him work it out for himself, he will attempt to prevent the implementation of No Contact through a Preventative Hoover before it is too late. You will be bombarded with messages, telephone calls and personal appearances for the purpose of pleading with you and begging you. Expect stones thrown at your window and begging displays from underneath your bedroom window. His remorse will be extensive and the desire to change significant but it is all part of the Preventative Hoover. If this fails, he will switch to lashing out at you as described above in order to try and gain fuel.

If the Mid Ranger is unable to effect any kind of contact with you since your implementation of No Contact has been so total, he will be forced to seek fuel from secondary and tertiary sources. He will do so on the basis of self-pity, misery and wanting sympathy from those sources. The Mid Ranger is apt to using this sympathy milking to promote an inner circle friend who is comforting him during this terrible period to a new primary source so that he gains fuel quickly and is then able to focus on this person and forget about you. If there is no promotion, even whilst drawing the sympathy fuel form secondary and tertiary sources the Mid Ranger will be looking for a new primary source in order to re-instate the appropriate fuel level which has been removed by your commencing No Contact.

If the Mid Ranger should find himself in the position of not being able to draw fuel from secondary or tertiary sources or he uses up those reserves before he is able to secure a new primary source, then he will slip into isolation and depression. This is rare for the Mid Ranger. This is because invariably he has enough cognitive function to draw the fuel from secondary and tertiary sources to sustain him whilst he secures a primary source. He has enough ability to know how to portray his situation to maximise his position.

The Mid Ranger, of the three schools of narcissism behaves the most pathetically when there is the threat of and the subsequent implementation of No Contact. He first begs and pleads. If that does not work, he blames and lashes out verbally, but it is petulant and sulky. There is no terrible fury like that of the Lesser. He is not even able to launch into strong violence, opting instead for milder forms as described above. Eventually he withdraws and seeks the solace of others by doling out pity plays to anybody who will listen and leaving you well alone for fear of further criticism.

Of course hoovers may follow in the future, dependent on the relevant criteria, but for the Mid Ranger, the threat of No Contact brings a desperate plea to prevent it and in the event that fails, expect petulant insults, self-pity and withdrawal, with the attendant smearing and need to draw sympathy from others.

No Good Advice

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Relationship advice. The internet is awash with it. Sites, blogs, question and answer sessions, videos on YouTube there is a plethora of advice about how to deal with the problems which arise in intimate relationships.

I decided recently to have a good look through many of these sites and gather together the common complaints which people raise when they submit their issues. There are plenty of submissions, thousands upon thousands of people complaining about the issues in their relationships. Oddly enough, I noticed a common thread with many of these complaints where people had written in to seek advice or explained their circumstances. Time and time again I saw the following:-

“Everything was wonderful to begin with, he swept me off my feet.”

“She made me feel like a king and it was just what I needed after how horrible my marriage had been.”

“I was taken aback by how loving he was, but it felt so good to be treated that way after everything that I had been through.”

“He told me how he had been hurt before and didn’t want to go through that again.”

“His ex-wife was horrible to him and he had been hurt but wanted to ensure everything was right between us.”

“Everything was marvellous for a few months and then he changed.”

“I didn’t know him anymore.”

“He started controlling me.”

“She told me who I could see.”

“He started to isolate me from family and friends.”

“He would flirt with other women.”

“She spent all of her time on the internet doing Lord knows what.”

“He never listens to me.”

“He became abusive.”

“The sex was amazing at first but then it just stopped.”

“He was so loving and attentive in bed but then he started suggesting threesomes and kinky stuff which I didn’t like.”

“He started to make decisions for me.”

“She would lose her temper over the smallest thing.”

“He would disappear for days on end and I was sick with worry.”

“He would not speak to me for several days even though I had done nothing wrong.”

“He started hitting me. He said sorry afterwards and seemed remorseful for what he had done, blaming it on seeing his dad beat him mum when he was young.”

“He doesn’t like anything I do any more, he puts me down.”

“Its like living with Jekyll and Hyde.”

“He just never contacted me again. I still don’t know what has happened.”

“He told me he couldn’t be with me anymore as he needed time to himself and then two days later I see him post about a new girlfriend on social media.”

“He was unfaithful to me repeatedly.”

“I still miss her after everything she has done.”

“I am financially ruined, stressed but I still love him.”

“Why can’t it be like it was in the beginning?”

“I want him back.”

I should imagine that all of you will be nodding at these comments for two reasons. First of all, you remember saying them yourself or something similar. Secondly, you now realise what was actually behind these behaviours. People like me.

Over and over again I saw questions and tales which all had the common theme of ‘Brilliant start, he became someone else, dumped me, I was heartbroken.’ Hundreds upon hundreds of these stories, these tales of misery and woe. A litany of despondency and confusion that has been piled up in the inboxes of the relationship advisors and gurus. I scrolled through them all, reading the replies, the advice and the suggestions. I read the analysis, I digested the observations and spent some considerable time doing so. What did I see?

Not one person raised the possibility that the person seeking advice had become involved with a narcissist. Not one.

Many of these blogs and relationship advice sites were clearly popular. Some were established names, linked to lifestyle magazines and newspapers. Many directed you to their services for counselling and relationship tool kits. Many of them trotted out similar comments and platitudes. Too often they read like the first world tribulations of a scene from Sex and the City rather than the abusive, destructive and harmful actions of dangerous narcissists.

Yet not one of them raised the suggestion that a narcissist was involved.

Now, naturally it is not the case that behind every relationship woe there is a narcissist but I know that those of you reading this, with the benefit of the enlightenment you have achieved knows that there is a good chance that problems of this nature as described repeatedly in the problem pages of these sites are something to do with people like my kind. Yet nobody was offering this as a possibility. That shows the scale of how easy it is for us to do what we do and pass undetected. It shows the staggering lack of knowledge about what we do say, think and do and the naivety of so many people, including those who apparently understand relationship dynamics.

Instead, I saw standard and repeated responses such as:-

“He is clearly a commitment phobe.”

No, he doesn’t want to spend time with you because he is devaluing you and is actually seducing someone else at the current time.

“You have outgrown each other.”

No, you never grew together to begin with because it was all predicated on an illusion and his lack of interest now is symptomatic of his interest being elsewhere.

“He may just be tired or stressed from working hard to support you and your children.”

Yes or he might be a narcissist who uses his rage to intimidate and control you.

You may have unrealistic expectations about the relationship.”

Damn right you do and we all know why that has happened don’t we?

You need him to take responsibility for his actions. He cannot keep blaming you for everything.”

Good luck with that one.

“He just might not be into you.”

Half-right I suppose, he just isn’t in to your fuel anymore, he is in to somebody else’s.

“He might be bored with life and not you. Try harder to interest him.”

Again, good luck with that one.

“Relationships require hard work. Don’t give up. Keep working at it and you can overcome the problems together.”

You have just been told to sign your own death warrant there.

“Some people have anger issues but that can be managed with understanding and therapy.”

Or they have fury which ignites at the slightest provocation and always will.

“Being hurt is an inevitable part of a relationship.”

It is if you get ensnared by my kind.

I am not suggesting that every problem in a relationship is as a consequence of the other party being a narcissist, that is unrealistic. However, the number of times I read about what was clearly the narcissistic dynamic of seduction, devaluation and discard was significant. The monumental amount of times that I recognised narcissistic manipulations – rage attacks, silent treatments, triangulation, intimidation, bullying, gas lighting and so forth – in so many posts did not surprise me but they were not picked up on. Many times these manipulations were not isolated events. There were repeated occasions and also differing types of the manipulations which when combined and repeated point in one direction.

The advice and platitudes that were provided to people who were clearly, not just possibly, but clearly entangled with a narcissist, were way off the mark. The descriptions and answers I have listed above were the ones which were provided to people and at best this would mean the person would remain clueless and stuck with no appropriate solution and at worst they were providing advice which would harm the individual who had sought the advice.

I was not surprised by this erroneous advice. I was not amazed by this omission of our kind from the explanations. I was not taken aback by the scale of people complaining about what was clearly narcissistic abuse but not being told as such.

This is why we are able to do what we do.

This is why we are able to move amongst people, ensnare fresh victims and maintain our veneer of respectability.

This is why what we do is passed off as something else. Euphemised, diluted, lessened and made to seem like a standard relationship hiccup.

This is why ignorance is so harmful.

This is why we remain so effective.

This is why we remain so dangerous.

The Treatment

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We do not seek treatment. The answer to why that is the case is a simple one. There is nothing wrong with us. Occasionally we may be compelled to undergo treatment but that is a different matter. We feel no compulsion at all to volunteer to be subjected to analysis and therapy because there is nothing wrong with us. Yes, we know that our treatment of other people is often unpleasant and has significant downsides to those who are subjected to it but that still does not amount to a good reason why we should seek some form of assistance. The way we behave is the way we behave. Deal with it. We cannot help but act this way because it is the way we have been designed. We must obtain our precious fuel and if that means we lash out and wound others, emotionally and physically then that it is the price that has to be paid. By you.

You must also remember that since we have no concept of empathy, when we see our behaviour injure others it does not affect us. We do not feel guilt, we do not feel shame at what we have done and we do not feel the need to put right the injurious harm we mete out to others. This is our modus operandi and it can never be changed. Add to that our lack of remorse and you have two huge reasons why we will not act to seek treatment to change our ways.

Naturally, there will be times where we will talk about seeking treatment.

“I need help, I know that now. You are the only one who can do it.”

“If I seek assistance for this terrible affliction, will you stay and help me?”

“I don’t know why I do it, perhaps I need help. Will you help me?”

“I need you. Don’t go. You have to save me from myself.”

“I will change, I will go and see somebody, just don’t leave me, please.”

These are all empty promises. Remember, words comes easy to us. We will dangle these carrots of penance and insight in order to get you to do what we want. Once that has been secured and you try to cash the cheque that we have written you will find the bank has not only been closed but razed to the ground. It is not a question of there being nothing to cash it against, there is nowhere to cash it.

Treatment is for the weak and foolish. To submit to it is an admission of weakness. In the rare instances that we will, it is only to enable us to get something else that we want or to prevent something drastic happening to us and thus we regard the pay-off as one worth making. We do this safe in the knowledge that any treatment will not be effective because:-

  1. We use our manipulative wiles to con the person treating us into concluding that there is nothing wrong with us;
  2. We spend the time trying to charm the therapist and this may work or if they are alive to our manipulation they are forced to terminate the work;
  3. We do not want to change and see the therapist’s actions as a direct challenge which we must thwart. Our energy is channelled into frustrating and defeating him or her and not applying ourselves to the treatment.
  4. We treat the treatment as a form of fuel.
This results in it being futile.
The reality is that those who engage with us are the ones that end up seeking treatment. It is most often the case that our bewildering and confusing conduct towards you has you at your wit’s end. You seek answers and if you are fortunate, you turn to a professional who is fully conversant with out kind. They are able to illuminate you to what you have endured, assist your understanding and then hold your hand as they take you through the painful and difficult extrication from our grip. You are blessed with insight from this treatment.
In certain instances, the abuse we dole out is such that it seriously damages the recipient and therefore treatment is needed to deal with the symptoms of our behaviour towards you. The ramifications for you are serious and have long lasting effects.
We do not seek the treatment. You do. In doing so this is often the first time you actually realise what you have encountered and what you have been subjected to.