The Last Word
I often reinforce how the key to understanding who you have been entangled with and therefore maximising your own prospects of moving on is to comprehend that we operate from a different perspective from you. That is why so much of what we say and do appears odd, irrational and downright perverse to you, yet completely normal and understandable to us. One of those ways in which the perspective affects the dynamic between my kind and your kind is the fact that we always want the final word. Now, of course, it may have occurred to you that since we regard the Narcissistic Relationship as one which lasts forever, how can there really be a last word? Once again, this does not matter to us and this highlights the contradictory nature of the way by which we behave. We are the ones in control and we must always exert that state of affairs. Therefore, within the Formal Relationship we want the last word in any discussion or argument. We want the last word when issuing our opinion about something. We want the last word when the Formal Relationship has been brought to conclusion. Indeed, even if you end the Formal Relationship and escape us we will still maintain that we had the last word and we ended it. We will skew the situation to maintain our control and sense of power, irrespective of what might actually have happened. This causes confusion, frustration and astonishment for you, which of course is all good fuel to us.
The need for the last word is also a device which is designed to set us on a collision course with your kind. You also want to have the last word. You want to be able to say your piece. You feel that it is only right that you are heard. You believe it to be a fundamental part of any relationship that you are heard and because you find yourself so annoyed, upset and frustrated with the way that we operate, this desire to have the last word, set us straight and assert your position becomes all the more important to you. If the Formal Relationship has ended, you also want to have the last say. You want to let us know what you really think of us. You want to make some last plea to the normalcy you believe still lurks somewhere inside of us. You want to make us hear you, listen and somehow accept that we are wrong and you are right. This desire of yours to say the last word is considerable and flies in the face of our own desire which of course leads to conflict, drama and opposition, all of which creates fuel which is what we want. You are left infuriated if you cannot have your say. You are furious if you have been denied the chance to articulate how you feel. You are upset that your desire to say what you want to say has been ignored, disregarded and treated in a roughshod manner. You want finality. You want some kind of closure and having the last say as we both stare at one another across the smoking ruins of our Formal Relationship is something which matters to you tremendously. We know this. This is why we make it so damn difficult for you to achieve, either talking over you, shouting you down, walking away or just disappearing. You feel cut-off, denied, unfulfilled and this gives us both Thought Fuel and Proximate Fuel if we stay to witness the reaction.
The need to have the last word also leads to you being susceptible to being hoovered because you feel that there are loose ends which need tying up. We know this and rely on it to keep you hooked and providing fuel to us without ever allowing you to tie up those loose ends correctly. It is all part of the way we continue to manipulate you. No doubt you have found yourself in such a situation. You may now have moved on and know that the last thing you ought to do is engage with us in this way, no matter how tempting it might be. You have learned it will only result in fuel, if handled incorrectly and at worse you might even succumb to our charm once again and be sucked into the Formal Relationship again. Yet the desire to say those things you wish you had been able to say all that time ago or even more recently remains strong and powerful. Of course what you might say now would perhaps differ from what you might have said back then, when you did not know better than what you know now. You did not know what you had bene entangled with, nor how you had been manipulated and thus your words would take on a different form compared to if you said them now, armed with knowledge and understanding.
Think back, when the need to say those last words arose, if you could have said them, at the time, what would they have been?
28 thoughts on “The Last Word”
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When I was discarded (as an IPSS I now realize I was “put on ice” from his standpoint) I started writing down everything I WANTED to say to him but thankfully didn’t as I was determined to maintain no contact. I now go back & read those & am amazed at how they were OOZING with emotion & fuel. Thank God I never said them to him. Thank you HG!! I owe it all to you.
Hello Wompus, you are most welcome and those are useful reminders to keep you on track.
I thought I was the only person in the world who felt this way, whatever “this way” was.
Now I connect with HG and others on the blog and the dots are connected. I am amazed at how highly predictable they are. I can recognized them immediately at work, the grocery store they are everywhere. Especially the lessers and mids wow, I was talking to one at work and she started to project and mimic the information I had just shared.🤔 My daily walks/runs, the stores I shopped at, foods I enjoy, wine geesh. I ran quick and avoided her the next time I saw her. We were communicating at Holiday party.
I don’t think I wanted the last word, I just wanted her to know that what we did was wrong. I was still trying to reason with her at this point and trying to make her see things how I saw them. I know that everything I said was wrong but I wanted her to know that I will always love her and wish the best for her. I wanted to say goodbye and have closure.
I still don’t regret what I said or the decision to meet with her even though it was all fuel for her.
HG.. if the police were to become involved post escape …. on the terms of harassment…. would you comply ? I have been smeared to within an inch of my life and tormented . Unfortunately he is in complete raging chaos mode and I he has been issued with a warning to stay away from my property, do you think this would deter him , I have given no reaction or fuel other than calling the police x any advice is greatly appreciated x
Hi Selena, have a read of the article here
https://narcsite.com/2016/10/14/showing-restraint/
Now they would be “NO” when he begged me to keep him & “Good bye” when he blame shifted, projected & degraded me during the 1st fight. My, how I’ve grown from your tutelage.
Good for you Victory. Smells like Victory to me!
So true DFA. What I am learning is that the answers were always given, I just didn’t understand them. Kinda like a math problem. The answer could be given to us, but it doesn’t do us any good if we don’t know how to solve it. Thankfully I have a good teacher who has helped me learn how to decode the answers. Sometimes I will think of something he said or did and the light bulb comes on and I’m like oh so that’s what he meant! One of the answers I have been looking for! Sometimes it can even be the smallest thing that seemed a little odd at the time, but not that big of a deal to question. Like when we first started dating and everything seemed good he told me “There is definitely something about you that I just can’t ignore” at the time I thought that was an odd and random thing to say. I mean why would he want to ignore me? I didn’t think much of it and shrugged it off. Now a year later, after many silent treatments I understand that odd and random statement. Sometimes the answers are given, we just fly right past them and sometimes the answers are quite simple, we just tend to make them complicated.
I ❤️ that post B!
Thank you EM 😊
What’s to say? Not much, unanswered questions. I have learned thou time has a way of bringing answers one needs, it’s the desire to rush things that makes one unhinged.
You learn to live in a world where things are always moving faster and faster, then when all stops, you don’t. It’s a conditioning. You want answers now.
Every single time I go through something with him that leaves me so damn frustrated trying to make some sort of sense out of what the hell he is thinking you have posted on it that day. Always a step ahead of me HG, lol. This happened to me today. Not the first time of course… every time. However today was a little different from every other time he got the last word and for once his last word is what I was aiming for. I knew I would eventually get tired of his behavior and start seeing him for what he is. Deep down I knew from what I was reading and with the questions I asked, but I’m so damn stubborn that I had to see it myself. I had to study every aspect of his behavior. I really tried to prove him to be anything but a narcissist. I just couldn’t do it. Everything about him that can’t be explained, that makes absolutely no sense, that I can’t make an excuse for, you have wrote on. There really isn’t anything about him now, that makes me believe he is not a narcissist. For me, there are two sides of learning and accepting this. The first side is the overwhelming feeling of greiving for the person I once loved, the one that didn’t exist. I can almost feel his pain and suffering and I know he will live with that for the rest of his life and there is not a thing I can do for him, but let go. The second side is anger. More so with myself. For not trusting my gut feeling, for letting myself get this far in knowing something wasn’t right, for waisting so much time that I will never get back. For not calling him out on his behavior and taking all his crap. These two sides of me are at a constant battle. This week the angry side is strong. He just started talking to me again last week. I will admit I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to spend Thanksgiving with the silent treatment as I did last year and he was actually carrying normal conversations. Didn’t take long for him to flip the switch. With the knowledge I have now from all the reading I did while on the silent treatment I knew where it was going. This time I was going to be in control. No way was I going to let him belittle me again with his hurtful words then block me so I can’t reply and suffer in silence once again. That is how he makes sure he gets the last word. This time I gave him a ton of negative fule. I told him I have no feelings left for him and pretty much told him he was a narcissist without using the word since he probably doesn’t know what it means. I told him he could call me crazy and block me but it wouldn’t change the truth. He replied “Is this how you make yourself look attractive to somebody? No wonder you’re single” I know I shouldn’t have replied, but I did wait until the next morning and just said “Single because I waisted my time on the wrong one” of course he needs the last word “So go the fuck way” a few more texts back and forth. Then I was stupid and asked if he could for once be real and say something that makes sense. He replied “Quit texting me fuck head” then immediately texted that he was at his best friends house then made a disrespectful sexual reference regarding the three of us. I ignored it, but this morning I texted him that I was guessing by his obnoxious text and the fact he was at his best friends house that he had a bit to drink. I told him that I do hope he can get that under control some day. My biological father died from living that life style and I am sure his kids would like to have their dad around longer than the 10 years he will have left if he continues to go on that way. I then told him that I was not saying that for my benefit so no need to reply. I have already heard enough. I actually thought this is when he would let me know I was being blocked, but just got his reliable reply “Go away psycho” So he left it wide open for me to play a him on him for the very first time. My reply “Yes far away. You are not the type of person I want in my life or my daughter’s life. Don’t bother with a reply. You are now blocked.” You already know HG, I didn’t really block him and he probably knows this as well, but it felt good to finally get to discard him followed with a block and just as I hoped for he replied “Go away”. He got no reply from me…. he is blocked and given the silent treatment lol. I do wonder what he might be thinking if anything. I have never called him out like that. So much I knew about that I never said. I have never told him that I didn’t want him in my life until now. Actually I have never talked negative towards him and if it did come across that way, like questioning him he would immediately block me. Why do you think he didn’t block me this time? He hates being called out and I even called him out on his drinking which I have never done, not one time. Does it bother him that I blocked him and didn’t reply to his last text. I mean there is no way he can block me now and he knows that is the one thing that gets to me more than anything. What do you think I can expect? He is not the Narcissist that would give out fake apologies or promises. Never has and probably never will. Can’t see him doing any kind of stalking like showing up at my house or work. I really think he will just “go away”. He might try to hoover here and there further down the road, but not go out of his way or make much of an effort when ignorned. I have never went no contact before as I always excepted the hoovers and went back and I have never been the one to end the formal relationship or anything for that matter. Never once ignored him so really don’t know how he will handle it, these are just my assumptions by what I know from his personality.
I second dragoncreeper
I would have tied him up and gagged him and made him listen to all of my complaints including how he resembles Alfred Hitchcock
I never wanted the last word, I only wanted him to move on in peace…
I said everything I needed to say before I left, way before I left. More like warnings that my feelings were changing and if we didn’t do something I would walk away and never look back. I don’t think I have ever felt the need to have the last word… In MY world, I would just everyone to peacefully move on and find happiness, not try harder after I am gone.
Hi DC. Missed ya honey. Haven’t seen your posts for a bit.
Hi Love! Sorry, I’ve been busy mostly with work! I’ve tried to get on here a bit but it never fails… I read half then I am being bothered with something else! I will be here or there more though! <3 :-*
❤ Good to hear from you and don’t work too hard 💜
This is exactly what I did with my ex husband, too. I warned him that I was one foot our the door. He didn’t listen or care, so while he was at work, I packed up the house and moved across the country to live with my sister. Left my phone in a different state & got a new one. I saw him the next year for taxes (we owed on the house).. The look of pure hatred he had for me lol
Now that’s how no contact works! Good job Jamie! They never do listen to the warnings because they realy do not care.
That would be the best thing to do, just disappear… I wish I had been able to do that! 🙂
I just did, and I will tell you what it was. And yes, I chose every word as carefully as he did in his e-mail last week:
“I was rethinking everything and have listened to my heart and my real self:
as nothing was real about what had me thinking of friendship (or even love a few years ago), I have changed my mind about future contact: I never ever want to see you or hear from you again. With absolutely no exception. I’m sure that suits you, as you said you had more important things in your life right now.
You are not even existing as the illusion I thought I knew. You made a lot of emotional fuss in the past, but without substance – there is nothing real about you. Therefore, it’s not awefully interesting to me to stay in contact – I’m content with myself. I also wouldn’t have any time, as I’m occupied with others and my higher purpose. Therefore, it would be futile.
It’s beyond my control.
PS:
To be fair, I’m informing you that you don’t need to spend any time on an answer as I won’t be seeing it anyway.
If you’re getting near me ever again, I will mirror everything you’re sending in my direction back at you.
To leave no room for misconceptions:
I am fully aware of your narcissistic warfare against me, including the latest ones.
‘We reserve our right to refuse service.'”
And yes, I informed him that I won’t see his e-mails exactly because I know that he MUST have the last word. 😉
It is incomprehensible to me how my ex-narcissist was like a copy of everything you’re writing about. Do you have a secret school for narcissist or how do you learn all that stuff?
You helped me to realize so much and the full illusion came tumbling down.
Excuse my bad English, I’m not a native speaker.
And yes, your blog helped me tremendously in forming these words. Thank you. In a strange way, I think you’re building good karma here. 😉
ava
I just did, and I will tell you what it was. And yes, I chose every word as carefully as he did in his e-mail last week:
“I was rethinking everything and have listened to my heart and my real self:
as nothing was real about what had me thinking of friendship (or even love a few years ago), I have changed my mind about future contact: I never ever want to see you or hear from you again. With absolutely no exception. I’m sure that suits you, as you said you had more important things in your life right now.
You are not even existing as the illusion I thought I knew. You made a lot of emotional fuss in the past, but without substance – there is nothing real about you. Therefore, it’s not awefully interesting to me to stay in contact – I’m content with myself. I also wouldn’t have any time, as I’m occupied with others and my higher purpose. Therefore, it would be futile.
It’s beyond my control.
PS:
To be fair, I’m informing you that you don’t need to spend any time on an answer as I won’t be seeing it anyway.
If you’re getting near me ever again, I will mirror everything you’re sending in my direction back at you.
To leave no room for misconceptions:
I am fully aware of your narcissistic warfare against me, including the latest ones.
‘We reserve our right to refuse service.'”
And yes, I informed him that I won’t see his e-mails exactly because I know that he MUST have the last word. 😉
It is incomprehensible to me how my ex-narcissist was like a copy of everything you’re writing about. Do you have a secret school for narcissist or how do you learn all that stuff?
You helped me to realize so much and the full illusion came tumbling down.
Excuse my bad English, I’m not a native speaker.
And yes, your blog helped me tremendously in forming these words. Thank you. In a strange way, I think you’re building good karma here. 😉
ava
I must be a different breed (as I suspected anyway) because after I discarded him in person, I walked away as he was shouting like a maniac at me. I didn’t care who had the last word or not. I never even flinched as I walked away with a grin on my face at how pathetic he appeared. I then went no contact for 2 months straight. I only broke no contact because of his relentless stalking and so i threatened him face to face, nose to nose, that if he doesn’t stop hunting me, then I will hunt him. He called my bluff. Big mistake on his part. When I hunted him, it ultimately sent him into a Narcissistic rage, which I was able to flee from quickly before damage was done luckily. Now I get monthly Hoovers from him wanting sex. Laughable.
He’s a mid-range somatic narcissist, playing a game of chess with someone smarter & stronger than him. The strength is all mine to claim, however the intellectual part of knowing his chess moves is purely from your books, HG. Hats off to you. Xx
This sounds like my ex.
⛽️ FUEL!
HG… On another note when you describe the narcissistic/ empath relationship, I think you said before that the narc looks at the empath as theirs (is that like ownership?) I’ve listened to psychopaths / serial killer interviews on YouTube etc Ted Bundy being one, they often describes their victims as belongings…it was more about possession for him, like it’s ownership of an item rather than a person, is it a similar (obvious less fatal) feeling for a narc?
Or is it like a very young child views their parents… more like an extension of them, and would find it had to sympatise as they just haven’t developed that skill yet? But I guess the child loves its parents in a healthy situation?
Im obsessed with this as the minute 😂 Constantly checking my phone for updates, it’s fascinating!
Hello Em, yes that is correct. We are in a similar vein as we see people as objects which we own and therefore we can do what we please with them. It accords with out sense of entitlement and our fastidious need to control We consider everything connected to us because we must control everything to get our way and the easiest way to control everything is to regard everything as being an object.