Violator
We are able to do what we do because of a particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt. Trust lubricates so many transactions between people whether those transactions are social, financial or emotional. When somebody tells you,
“I like your shirt it suits you.”
You trust them to be telling you the truth. If you did not do so, you would stop and cross examine them as to why they like it in order to evaluate whether you believe their comment to be a true one or not. You trust the company from which you make a purchase to deliver when they say they will and that the product will be fit for purpose. You trust your colleagues to do their jobs effectively so you can also fulfil your obligations. You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism. It is axiomatic that there has to be trust otherwise everything would be slowed down or stopped as people evaluated, analysed, questioned and verified. Trust is evident everywhere and there is no greater trust than that which is expected in an intimate relationship.
People trust their partner to have their best interests at heart, to trust them not to do something to hurt them, to trust them to be faithful and loving. We know that in order for you to love in the way that you do, that deep and unconditional love, there must be trust. You approach your relationships with this trust held out in front of you, a symbol of good intent. You presume that everyone else that you will engage with will also adopt a similarly trusting stance. You expect them to reciprocate this trust. You trust that they will trust.
You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. You accept much at face-value. That is not to label you as naïve, that would be unduly harsh, for as I have mentioned, many people operate on the basis of trust and so they must. You apply this trust to your dealings with those that you fall in love, led to believe by us that this trust will be reciprocated, that it will not breached, betrayed or damaged. You are a truth seeker. You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty offends you considerably. The stench of our deceit, the rank odour of our mendacity is great but the perfumed veil we cast over such dark and dangerous deceptions is such that the malodorous warning never nears you. You are conned into believing that we tell you the truth when we first encounter you. We behave with such conviction, the air of confidence we exude, seemingly unquestionable and unimpeachable. We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you what you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust.
By trusting you believe that you will get the truth. That our love will be true, that our intentions are truthful, that our fidelity is real and we govern our interactions with you under the mantle of truth. You trust that all of this will happen because we make you think you can trust us. We will reference those who have let us down, those who have betrayed us and in so doing we hold up our own reliance upon trust in order to receive your trust. See how we have trusted others and they let us down? We have always trusted beforehand and so you can be assured that we want to gain your trust and you shall have ours. It is all carefully orchestrated to channel one of the fundamental tenets by which you abide. When we gain that trust and we do so easily, you enable us to take this valuable commodity and apply our own veneer to it, reinforcing it and demonstrating to you just how much we value it. As a fellow disciple in trust this enables us to conduct ourselves in a way which ensures we are above suspicion. When we meet with a member of the opposite sex and explain she or he is just a friend and it is a friendly drink you have no reason to think otherwise. You trust us. When we tell you that we are working late. You trust us. When we borrow money from you. You trust us. When we tell you that we are using the contraceptive pill. You trust us. When we tell you that we love you and have never loved anybody like this before – you trust us.
Trust equals the truth. We then abuse your trust by carrying out our treacherous acts. We court other partners and shatter your trust. As you sit at home watching television thinking we are working hard for our future we are philandering and sliding our tendrils around a fresh prospect. When you are making that dinner for us both, looking forward to an evening together, I am showering in a hotel as I seek to wash away the scent of the person I have just coupled with. When you check your bank balance and consider what you will do with the return on the investment that I talked about so you lent me the money, your hard-earned money is being used to impress someone else so that they fall into my clutches. We take this very thing that is of such central importance to you and we abuse it. We disrespect and we trade is just like a commodity.
When you eventually realise your trust has been shattered and this has happened repeatedly. When you finally wake up and join the dots. When you see the flagrant breaches of your trust, when the evidence is irrefutable and painful, we may well have gone. Not only have we abused your trust but we have left without explanation or reason, leaving you to deal with the aftermath alone as we move on to the next target and begin gaining their trust. Like any confidence trickster it is necessary for us to gain trust before we are able to abuse it. Not only do we hurt you repeatedly through these actions we do so to such an extent, with so many people and with so many people aware of it, other than you until the last moment. This wide-ranging and wholesale desecration of trust, this tarnishing and defacing of the truth leaves you broken and unable to face the totality of the truth. You cannot comprehend that you have been conned so extensively and so often. You cannot bear the sensation that arises from having been made to look so foolish. You held your trust up as something to be proud of and now you are left to rue your reliance on this as you hear the repeated comments of “Told you so”, “Didn’t you notice?” and “You are too trusting.” You equate trust with the truth. Our abuse of your trust causes you to not want to accept the truth of what we have done.
48 thoughts on “Violator”
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Dear HG, in the comments to your original article “Violating Your Trust,” someone asked about an intermittent appliance. Are secondary sources like IPSS and DSIPSS considered such intermittent appliances? Thank you!
Hello IL, yes they are.
I don’t think you answered my question HG here
Which was what?
You have a working pair of eyes and intelligence.
OhLala why do you believe you have the mark of the beast on you? I mean no disrespect only curious as to why you would believe this.
Because what happened to me in my mind of being raped, left a scar and at times that scar gets ripped open. More of triggers. I see something or remember something and I think HOW did he get me to do that for him?? I found out I was the other woman. I contacted the GF of now 15years who stays with him and contributes to his secret deviant life. She told me I was one of another. SO I did work on me trying to get over what happened. I was with a messed up man, going through relationship issues. I had a Closure lunch with him. He so Manipulated that lunch. Oh She the GF won’t let me go, we are off and on. The kids we raised together. So I did not get closure or a sorry, I got a selfish sob story. AFTER that, he text me. YOU brought great joy and excitement to my life, I hope we can still be friends. That was Dec. 23 I got the happy holiday texts. New years day text, I hope you had a good New Years Eve. Kisses all over your body. He was with her in a hotel at a party New Years Eve, then text me the next day. HE was trying to keep me happy SO I may not contact her, BUT I did and she LIED to me. So I then was going really KooKoo. I put an ad on a dating site where he found me with just his photo and some descriptions of him and his life. 22 women wrote me in 3months. Then he was outed on LiarCheater 98 comments on there. WE all had the same story being 80% the same. Some women remembering him from 7years before. He is all over the internet if you google his name. SO we all had his mark on us, remembering the same bits. The GF is his main supply who stays with him, knowing what he does to women. She is just or even more deviant then him. She blames us. YOU are nothing to him. You are a booty call. He doesn’t care about you. All men do this to women. She said he is an alcoholic or a sex addict and she knows he is a Narcissist but she won’t except He is NOT in love with here, Because he stays with her regardless. Money tips showing off their fake happy couple life. I told her JUST say you have an OPEN relationship. He brings us into your life, He looks for us, He lies to us. YOU are abusing us in protecting him. My story is a major life time movie horror story. Why because This stupid ass Narc. Gives his real name, share his real life and is all over the internet. Sorry A venting Day Kindness to you 🙂
I have a question regarding sexual abuse/boundaries. Both in my immediate family, narc acquaintainces and with exes, they seem to see others’ bodies as open slather in a variety of different situations. This manifested before my eyes as they may see children at a swimming venue in next to nothing and will gaze down them with elevator eyes or stare at their genital area.
It would seem they feel entitled to invade others’ physical boundaries.
This has caused the worst nightmares for me at home as I find it hard to release the hypervigilance of having to protect myself from three others who, lets face it, had I not been on alert, might have done anything to me. My mother (and I’ve read a lot about other matrinarcs, but I’m not sure yours was like this HG) would actually make noises or touch me in areas in an attempt to arouse me and then laugh or watch me. An example is constant commentary on my developing body and tapping me where I didn’t want to be, kissing my neck if I happened to look sad, or if I was about to go out, making some kind of sucking noise. It absolutely made (and still makes me) dry reach. I would erupt and she’d deny it or say I’m too sensitive and can’t take a joke. She literally seemed to see my body and inhale whatever sensations she’d feel to “create” her own self image. It still makes me feel shaky, disgusting and furious. I hadn’t realised until my thirties the sheer effort it took to keep blocking out every interaction with her. It was like being onstage naked and poked and prodded while I was helpless and being unable to fathom my own protector was a) trying to act like a lover b) unstable, c) didn’t acknowledge I had the right to safety and respect.
My brother would intermittently be violent, insult my body, or say something sexual and controlling. This was among the most damaging relationships for me. My mother would almost approve of him acting in a way to me that was like an intimate partner. He seemed to view me and treat me as a girlfriend and then stop himself. I don’t see from your writings that you took things this far with your sister.
I feel narcissists attempt to get to know your patterns and bodily functions because they want control over your entire being. When I interrogate them, the best I get is a giggle and changing the subject. This is probably the source of the most of my fury.
My question is, when narcissists are sexually abusive like this, do they do it because they are just plain disgusting, to get a reaction or because they do not know that it is wrong?
africanviolet: to get a reaction, and by not accepting boundaries, your family regarding your body as theirs.
My Narc. left hints and got me to do and be what he needed. He said I am NOT the monster you think I am. I hurt those who care about me. YET he goes on for years, looking for that next high, using Human Beings as his drug. I have the Mark of the Beast left on me. I am changed for life. BUT stronger and braver then I ever was….Then End
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=s3tW3iSwt00 I’m loving the new YouTube uploads HG, this one answered so many of my questions… keep them coming!
Thank you Em, plenty more on the way.
Brilliant my dear G.
..two questions here 😉… what happens when an empath becomes a cynic due to entanglement with Your kind?.. that should put Your kind off? Making people trust in this case I think it is impossible?
second question is: Have You ever trusted anyone fully and if You have may I ask who that was? xxx Thank You and good morning again 😉
The empathic levels recede exposing the narcissistic qualities, although dependent on the type of empath these can be rather limited and have no real effect (save where you an Empathic Supernova situation).
Yes I have.
Lol @ “You are not a cynic”…Yes, HG, I am.
I wanted to mention also that most narcs will tell on themselves early on in the relationship. They actually enjoy dropping hints. Like mine left me a msg singing “shes come undone” by burton cummings. If u read the lyrics its about deciet and how a woman got in too deep trusting the wrong guy and led to her falling apart. They love to think ppl fall apart over them but the reality with most is they become stronger better ppl. Hopefully with stronger boundaries and learn from their past.
Whereas the narc sadly remains the same.
I look at narcs way differently now than i did a yr ago. A yr ago i hated ppl with this disorder but now i feel sorry for them. Id much perfer to be a victim of narcissistic abuse than the abuser.when i die i can meet my maker and know my heart was mostly good.
I am thankful ppl like hg spread the truth about this disorder. It really does help to hear from narcissists themselves.
The majority of people all support causes that reflect the outward – children with cancer, animals in shelters, killer whales in the Artic – but who comes back and supports people suffering with personality disorders like NPD? Not many. That is why I am here. People judge what is on the outside when in truth what is on the inside is the most important (pursuant to my beliefs)
I heard a lot of tid bits that only in hindsight make sense, at the time they where very odd on their own.
Adele I have friends in the mental health care profession, a shrink, a pyschaitrist/Attorney <— (this one is a great story) and a counselor/therapist. They say that Narcs are very proud of themselves and wear it like a badge of honor. After all they are superior to everyone who crosses their path.
Depeche Mode. Anyhoo, yes definite trust issues, you and me both.
DC – brought up another good point too because there was also an anger in there from doing nothing wrong…but that that is when the truth took it over…but it is also important to understand that everyone protects themselves from pain, but there were some other interesting details in mine so I think I got a pretty good dosage of the feeling department to try to describe for insight – but I would liken it to if you got punched in the face – you wait a day put ice on it – and then you get up and you get punched in the face again and when an emotion effects YOUR heart like that – damn skippy your brain is going to do EVERYTHING in it’s power to protect that – the heart is the pump – without it = no life so it’s a very intense process
Great article, HG and one that I would like to talk to about if you choose to post my comment. Single handedly in my experience, when trust was completely shattered, it was a heart-wrenching feeling – like 1/6 of my heart on the upper top literally was on overload and shutdown. This naturally produced a panic and fear, as especially for me, truth is the foundation I have to have in order to sort through emotions being highly sensitive to other’s emotions. So I have a double problem in the sense that without that foundation, I was somewhat clueless of what to do. I never felt foolish, but I certainly felt, “What the -?” if that makes sense.
However, I was able to find truth: the truth was I could not trust. While not a lofty advancement, it was a starting place and even though it is one of those simple revelations that stares you in the face, it was the Eureka moment because I could build off that. (I was dealing on a friendship level and not a romantic physical relationship level which I could only imagine so take this for what it is as the pain would be utterly expounded in a romantic relationship I am sure). In truth HG, your work was THE TRUTH – because it spelled it out and I could trust that. I didn’t want to at first because it was foreign, but there was TRUST.
When I took myself out of the equation is when it got better for me (as i t always does), it hurt me that a child would have to go through that lack of trust with a parent and I forgot about my pain and then it started to heal. But then I figured, who was I to say I couldn’t get through it as an adult when a child had to go through this the majority of his childhood? That was humbling. A child can’t rationally break it down like an adult – and I am a pretty logical thinker (for the MOST part) so I plowed through and built a foundation on no trust and that was truth.
What was surprising was the emotion when trust is shattered went very deep to the core of SELF. It almost felt like self-betrayal – like shame, inadequacy, and loathing. I found that interesting because the first battle after the ‘why’s’ and ‘pity reflection’ was really a deep rooted issue of self that kicked my butt – and I wouldn’t have thought that could happen. It was a very defeating feeling best expressed with a heavy heart. The fear of future pain made me more sensitive to where silence or disengaging was probably the only remedy until I could rationally translate the emotions. However, it made me much sharper in critical thinking and knowledge application because I fathomed my feelings were out of commission for a while until I could sort through it. Especially when there was more than one energy coming at me.
But I also was able to see how splitting occurred rather easily as the defense mechanism of keeping parts of self alive and just having to let some die as a child there was nothing you could do- I don’t think there was any other way. One night, I just burst into tears to think of a child trying to deal with it. My stepson – you, HG – but because the same results happen receptively the heart gets calloused with anxiety and fear to protect the pain that in so being it causes it. It was somewhat of an oxymoron effect, but even talking about it, I can recall exactly what the emotion feels like and it is pure pain and I noticed would get suppressed and triggered at certain times – my stepson told me, “You will never know what it feels like to be violated by your own mother.” Before then, I didn’t know what it felt like to be violated but do now!
I want to believe that in time some form of trust can be established but it will never be the same but it will have to be on the foundation of no trust.
“You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism.” – I think this sentence sums up a good principle here that I wanted to go a little deeper into because – for me, personally, I do not trust the police to maintain law and order – like all operations and organizations, there is good and bad in everything – but everytime the police have ever been involved in any situation that I have witnessed – they can make it worse – but I do trust the police to stop a gun fight and handle a catastrophe. I think that is why I constantly balance to find trust with the scales because while one good cop could balance one bad cop so much more depends and then there is the complexity of who someone is – when you look at it from that angle it becomes harder to see split into factions.
Good article, HG and very thought provoking.
Sarah,
I don’t understand. You did not trust. I thought your whole reason for being here is because of the stepson? So was it you had trust issues before the kid or after? Your comment seems conviluted. I also thought you said some people were harassing you and you needed HG to help you. It was about a topless picture right? Why is your husband not helping you with your stepson and the people who are harassing you? Is he not emotionally available?
BL, this is not ABB…
Uh yeah I know your not ABB. The questions still stand. If you don’t care to answer I understand.
This is true to a degree but more so that we proceed with arrangements because if trust is broken then that person’s image and reputation will also be.
We leave them to behave as they choose and when they have done the damage, they are then having to live with the knowledge that A) others will talk about them and they will have to avoid those people who have made their mind’s up to the narcissist’s detriment and B) often the narcissist chooses a target who already has a good reputation.
From watching my parents – when they have done wrong and are smeared, they avoid and carry on as normal but do not live with the same freedom as before.
We do not accept the truth because we are blinded by love and yes it is partially trust. It is much easier to cast away someone who is not a lover than it is to think that this person, that we’ve handed our heart to, could ever do anything to hurt us intentionally. Then we like to cover it up with the fact that they have been damaged and we have to show them compassion and forgiveness… therefore we know that the trust has been broken but we want to keep trying, keep hope alive and that something will snap and we will live happily ever after. It is, typically, the same story for all of us.
Hi DC,
I missed you!!!
And it is the same story unfortunately. It still hurts to think that the one person that I trusted with my heart and my life would intentionally want to hurt me. I thought we would be best friends forever.
It still amazes me how she made me feel and how she hooked me in. I was completely at ease with her from the beginning.
I now have listened and trusted my gut instinct about a few people. Before I would have kept engaging with them but a few flags went up and I stopped immediately. Better safe than sorry.
Hi Snow! I’ve missed you too! 😘
I completely agree with you HOWEVER, I’m going to be that hard headed gal and dismiss some red flags… I want to take the risk and I want to enjoy life…. If I get entangled with the wrong one it will be okay this time. I will just take it a lot slower and not allow the quick move in…that’s where the trap seems to always be set!
I have no doubt that you will be able to handle whoever you get involved with DC. Lol. They better treat you right. You will have the upper hand from now on.
You deserve someone with a heart like you ❤️🍎❤️
Awe Snow, you are sweet! I think we all deserve to be loved, how we acquire that love and how we happily receive it is up to us. I honestly don’t know if I could handle someone with a heart like mine, I don’t know if I would think it is a lie or just be in disbelief that someone could return the love… but then again, would I bore of it? Time will tell though. 🙂 You are right about the upper hand though… I will tread more carefully! 🙂
If there is one thing I do know, you, my dear Snow, deserve someone to love you with a true heart. You are sweet, loving, compassionate and you deserve that in return. <3
I agree and can I just say, wowzers on those sexy sexy stilettos!? Work it girl! 🐉
😘 Thank you Love! I love me some sexy heels!
Ive given myself fully and had to come to grips that that wasnt enough. Itll never be enough tho from any woman bc hes not happy within. Theres a void there that constantly needs to be filled by many ppl. Youre never number 1 to them. Ive had to accept this and for now i still allow him in my life. Ive detached tho intimately bc hes played too many games with my heart. Now its purely friendship. A friend with very little expectations. I love him but dont expect it in return and itll never amount to anything in that regard. Theyre incapable of being in a healthy two way relationship. In fact most if not all, they end up destroying. They are self destruct in that regard
You sound like me, adele. My narc wanted to remain friends. I agreed because my heart went out to him. I still love him but i know he cannot love me back. He says love gives him anxiety, so i tell him ‘i love you but don’t worry you don’t need to reply.’
Who am i loving? I am loving an empty shell who only reflects me. But that empty shell is a human being nevertheless who deserves love like any other human being. My heart aches everytime, as i get nothing in return. But i know that’s what true love is – loving without expecting anything in return.
Plus i have HG to distract me…
I admire you for being able to offer friendship. Mine sometimes asks for forgiveness, and for friendship. I cannot give either. And I know deep down that both requests are down to his selfishness. He does not care, or cannot even grasp what I am going through, to ask this of me…
You can also fall into the trap of thinking they are just reacting to their fears. They are not. They are launching personal and calculated attacks to make you weak, depressed and for them to achieve control over how you see yourself. Period.
You have lowered the bar substantially having minimal expectations or receiving any kind of support in return. By doing this, has it affected your other relationships in your life? Allowing that dynamic with him can really erode your self esteem?
I have just listened to your radio interviews HG and although I was so cross about one of your machinations, the interview took my mind back to my origins and I felt compelled to share.
I think your story from childhood is something I could describe and see from a young age but didn’t have the words for. My two parents, my brother. I was empathic and observing the three of them and wider extended family.
As I was growing up and learning about the world with a critical mind, I observed that all three believed in love as “dangerous” and made all attempts to avoid vulnerability. Their characters had layers upon layers upon layers of masks to run away from this truth. Almost that they accepted wholeheartedly the door to love was firmly closed. Thus they created their lives with logic, one step after the other. Love may cause a sharp pain.
Life was something to “do” and not to “feel”. That was the safe zone. It wasn’t until my last boyfriend that I actually took this seriously because when I got close, and I mean REALLLLY close to observe him, I saw the “person” that us empaths have inside, the voice we use to think, the way we make decisions, just is not there in the narcissist. If indeed trauma is the cause, it was as though that person, that character, got up and left in that moment of abuse or abandonment. He or she just didn’t grow. In survival mode, when resources are scarce, you strip down to barest, barest modes of existence.
So if you’re an empath, imagine the sensation as an adult, that you have never met yourself. You have never had a “person” inside because that was useless in childhood and just did not grow. You have a vast array of decorative ornaments but no tree beneath them. The only thing that does last is really you. To have a conscience may mean connecting with the mixed horror of loving an early rapist or from being ignored.
I am not sure, but in my narc family, I believe I may have been “spared” because matrinarc was so firmly concentrated on treating my brother as her entertainment, including almost speaking to him as a spouse. I was left at home while she triangulated me by taking him to concerts. My father was very harsh with him and violent, telling him off for what he didn’t do. I was spared sometimes for being a girl. I escaped a lot of the harder treatment from being called a “weak female” and naughty. Then I was prized in front of others and expected to perform. I believe I survived wth emotion from being left alone. I didn’t know I was being rejected, but I just knew it was peaceful and matrinarc was not fussing and confusing me. If she abused me, my brother also helped me by coming over to me and explaining her lies. If he hadn’t have done that, I don’t think I would have been strong enough. If I was hit, he would also come to my room when I was crying and laugh. It made me laugh too and I saw that we were no longer in a war zone but a funny “game” where we could “one up” our parents. This could work sometmes, our parents did enjoy and laugh at games but sometimes would randomly rage and I couldn’t work out why, I just knew I wasn’t wanted. I think perhaps my brother shouldered a bit too much in not having a father that was fair and a mother that didn’t respect him or his boundaries. When I watched him growing up I think he totally accepted those conditions.
It wasn’t untl I was 29 and realised I had just befriended and dated a narcissistic psychopath and I wrote to my brother in horror and he said “good work. and just so you know, I don’t care. Go and research that, it’s a fact.”
Now when I have stopped thinking about the behaviour and what it means for me in my life, I realise that always we empaths have been ignoring the holes. Most of us who find ourselves there are bored or don’t have a history of relationships and so appreciate the company. What I would say about my brother, watching him was that he had no foundation and no outlet from either parent that was safe. I feel that I may have ended up in the same place, if not for him helping me and from intermittent golden periods from my mother. I pretended to be stupid so they would stop the abuse, and could say “see we were right, you are stupid”. I pretended to be everything they said so they’d leave me alone.
I will add that I could “control” them by not joining in fighting, by acting smarter and more confident and by getting on with it. When I got on with it, they were left exposed as a nuisance and annoying. When eventually I became well-known through work, I was eventually shown respect but rejected and destroyed by matrinarc. There is a lot missing from my life, mainly company, a dependable confidant and a normal experience as a female. I have way too much guilt and have not yet confronted all of the abuse that was done to me because I simply can’t believe it. I was made to carry ALL of their pain and ALL of their mistakes. That, or they would invent a story from the newspaper about someone else who committed their crimes. A liar loves to confess.
I also had to parent myself. You don’t realise until you’re no longer a teenager and living with the shakes, of how bad it was.
I really think that the best place a narcissist can get to is learnng to feel safe without the fuel and congratulating themselves for respecting and valuing others without feeling threatened through a reward system. I don’t believe they really trust others much. They see the world as a huge jungle and need to create and viciously protect their cave.
“…that character got up and left in that moment of abuse”
So sad😔
Pure Disgusting Evil
Sophia- Disgusting and evil, yes. Pure, no.
Pure = 100% Disgusting
Pure = 100% Evil
Not 99.99% or 99.98% or 99.97%……
That is how I feel. And yes I understand where he came from but that will never excuse the behavior. We all have choices and we all have had to deal with a less than perfect early life. Not all is us choose to hurt other people because of how we were once treated.
Sophia- Yes. Very difficult to make excuses for trodden on feelings when they were youngsters when some people are not only sexually abused but live a hell of a life when young and do not choose to pay it forward on others for the rest of their days.
As you continue to make progress with your therapy, are you able to trust your Doctors?
Not yet.
*are* you making progress? In fact, how do you define “progress”?
Hello BT, I am making progress in terms of gaining understanding. There are all manner of different methods of measuring the progress which i expected of me.