One More Time
Awful isn’t it? Long and empty days that are full of nothing. The mental calendar which each day causes the caustic reminder of what we did with you last month and this time last year. The sweet memories of that glorious golden period when everything was bathed in golden light, coated in sugar and tasted of honey.
Was it only a month ago that we told you that despite everything that had happened that we still loved you? You fought back the tears as those wonderful words spilled form our lips, just as they had done on so many ecstatically happen occasions in the past. Yes, we might have uttered them after another barnstorming battle between you and I, but there, in that instant, the words were said our eyes shone and in an instant we transported you back to those heady and halcyon days of when we first got together.
A year ago the memories come thick and fast, each one a surge of excitement which is then immediately ripped away from you as you realise it is but a memory. The remembrance of our lips locked together as we stood that cold December evening in the town square, the cobblestones frosting and the sounds of other people dim in the background as the fairy tale began.
My, what a wonderful time it was. The twin combination of falling in love and the run-up to Christmas. It was magical. New friends that we introduced you to, exciting times laughing and running through the streets hand in hand to stop at an alleyway and kiss. Oh how we kissed.
The polite introductions to family and sneaking from one bedroom to another whilst staying there over the Christmas period, entwining in one another’s arms and moving together as you drowned in our eyes and the promise you saw there.
The first gift you ever received from us. You have it still, sat on the nightstand by your bed, a hurtful reminder of better times. You still kiss the head of the stuffed toy every night as the memories surge.
You can remember each and every day form the beginning of the whirlwind romance. Where we met during work hours, the first time you stayed at our house, the first time we had dinner at yours. New horizons, landmark events from the minor to the major but all of importance as you systematically and subconsciously logged these occurrences so that you have been able to call on them now.
Now as you sit enshrined in emptiness, our words be they loving or harsh but an echo and our ghost drifting about these rooms which once sounded to our laughter, our passion and our arguments.
It has all gone. The joy and the jealousy have dissipated when we walked away from you and then there was nothing. Silence. Unimpeachable silence.
You cannot stand this nothingness. Everything has become grey. You find no satisfaction in anything. Well-meaning friends have sought to lift you from this despair but nothing has worked. The suggested trips to the cinema, to the lake, to the shopping mall, to dinner at their houses; they have all been rejected because nothing feels the same. There is nothing now. No hatred, no love, no passion, no laughter. Overnight somebody has come and stolen the colour from the world and left with just an overwhelming grey. It was hellish at the time but you would still have the rows, the fights and the accusations because at least then you could feel something. You felt that we still cared because after all why else would we erupt in a temper, slam the doors and throw things around if we did not feel something for you? Surely it was precisely because we cared so much about you that we did all of those things.
Yes it hurt. But the hurt felt so good.
Whether it was the spontaneous lovemaking, the unpredictable gift, the bewildering argument out of nothing or the litany of lies which had you tearing your hair out, at least it was something. Life was never dull. Never.
You felt alive and on a scale that you had not known before. Everything was brighter, bolder and more magnificent. Each day was full of promise and excitement. Tears of joy or tears of despair, it did not matter because we made you feel alive and beyond anything you had previously experienced. The world became a dazzling, vibrant and exciting place. Sometimes you soared, sometimes you plummeted but it was all better than this, better than this barren wilderness.
The songs you once enjoyed listening to are an offence to your ears so you would rather not listen. Clothing appears drab and uninteresting so you leave them in the wardrobe and draws and pull on your 21st century equivalent of sackcloth and continue to mourn the loss of us and our electricity.
Food is tasteless, like ash in your mouth, the conversation of friends a stale monotone which you tune out as you reach into your memory and try to rekindle the blazing rows that you had with us before we kissed. It was hammer and tongs in the living room and then hands and tongues in the bedroom. Passion in war. Passion in love.
You crave a return to those times in order to feel something, anything. Anything which will be better than being numb, listless and disconnected. Nothing is all there is now and nothing is not good enough. You want to feel, you want that addictive, sensuous, mesmerising rollercoaster of an existence again with us. You do not care that we would break your heart and leave you sobbing, the times when we returned with love shining in our eyes and apologies tumbling from our lips caused the relief to course through you like so much lightning and it felt marvellous.
This is dull.
This is boring.
This is nothing.
You know we hurt you but at least you could still feel something. The pain at our infidelity, the annoyance at our Friday night flirtations, your shock at the stinging slap to your left cheek, but there was so much which was wonderful and amazing. Our knowledge of music, the concerts we took you to, the times we danced all night together, the experiences, the events and the ecstasy. Pain or pleasure. Hurt and Hate. Love and longing. You had it all and you want it again.
You have heard the warnings given by your friends to stay away from our toxic tongue. Your family have cautioned against embracing those lying lips ever again. Colleagues have confided in their concerns. The experts have told you how we will not change, that we will keep repeating our abusive machinations against you, up and down, in and out, push and pull. You have heard it all, again and again and again, but it is bland, boring and banal.
You know the risks. You know the hurt. You know the danger.
But you want to escape this non-existence.
Anything will be better than this godforsaken purgatory.
Yes, your personal god has forsaken you and left you in ashes and dirt.
You want us back.
You want the fire, the spice, the passion. Good or bad, you want it back because it is so much better than this emptiness.
You want it all again.
You want us back.
It hurts, but hurt is something to feel and it hurt so damn good.
You need it again.
You need us again.
One more time.
45 thoughts on “One More Time”
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This is so accurate. I keep reliving every moment-the exchange of the gifts, the holiday parties, the tearful good bye at the airport. What a sham. Yet I still foolishly believe I meant something.
HG is there ever a final discard?
Hello Angela, no, there is no final discard, it is really a dis-engagement.
Wow how true is this!!!
I want off this roller coaster:(
It hurts a lot. But, God did not fail me; I failed myself. How so? The Lord provided me ALWAYS with everything- all of my needs and even my wants- but still, I wanted more…more. As a human being, I always want more. As a product of a dysfunctional, chaotic past experiences, I am use to drama. Where there is no drama, I feel as if my identity has vanished. Between emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical, and major sexual abuse, one would think I would welcome some quiet peace. Indeed, I am thankful for peace, but still, there is a part in me that is too familiar with the whirlwind of chaos and drama to not lose my identity through a quiet life of peace. But, the drama I want is that of Love. Romantic, flaming, passionate, all-consuming love. What is so wrong with wanting to be loved so much? Besides, I have other reasons, more physical, why I need this intense, unequivocal sort of love. It seems to have a life of its own, and run my life. I feel Alive! But, I reiterate, The Good Lord never failed me; it was, I, who failed myself.
Forgiven <3 <3 <3
I agree with you. The Lord Almighty is all we really need. Without his grace and strength and the insight…..I would have gone under.
I too came from a chaotic background, drama……Give me Drama!!! And I am a soft hearted person who was targeted by Husband.
But what I went through made me strong. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
So many times around the roller coaster ride I have been. I put the handbrake on and we all fell out. We are sort of together now but the scars are deep. I forgive and understand but I aint going to be a fool. Never again.
Yes, Jane H. True <3
Love do you jump from one to another right after discard? Did you understand what they were prior to this blog? No disrespect intended just curiosity
Hi DFA. I’ve been in and out of relationships with socio/psychopath/narcs for almost the last 20 years (I started young). Lol I have been an empath floozy full of codependent love. Yes, I knew what they were and I have gone to therapy before. It was not until Mr. Tudor that I was able to identify most as narcs …. Though there was a sociopath and a psychopath. I am an equal opportunity codependent. Interestingly enough, they also were of different ethnicities and socioeconomic status.
Since reading Mr. Tudor’s work and being on this blog, it is the first time I’ve remained single. Primarily, its because of Mr. Tudor’s incredible wisdom, though he is also fulfilling a bit of that need.
I am honest in saying I still CRAVE that kind of love. The withdrawal is not easy. But Mr. Tudor keeps my thirst quenched.
Yes Love I do understand the withdrawal, yet mine is of a different nature but the same. As to my curiousity of some things, he is taken care of them.
Would it be ok to ask you a few questions?
Of course DFA. Please do so.
Love I am sorry it has taken until today to get back to this, I need to refocus due to a phone call received.
What draws you to them?
I’m sorry DFA. I hope the phone call was not upsetting news.
In regards to what draws me to them, it is not the usual ‘charm, charisma, looks’. Yes, they all have have the 3 elements. What draws me is something deeper. It’s a sense of familiarity. I’m comfortable with them. When in their proximity, I want to get closer. Now that I look back, all my first dates with narcs ended up with me seated right next to them and us holding hands. That has never happened on a non-narc date.
Thank you Love for your concern, yes it was.
What do you mean by familiarity?
Gosh I’m sorry DFA. I hope it is not anything serious. Hopefully everyone is well.
I have family and friends with personality B disorders. I’ve been raised in that environment. It is familiar.
Dont be sorry Love. Yes everyone is fairing well. Just a little overload with to many emotions coming at me. A moonlight walk in the woods is always an awesome way to recharged.
I do understand the familiarity. My family, very very few friends, many more as far a work. Many doctors that I know.
So its the woods for you. Water is how I recharge. A day spent on a secluded beach is heaven for me. However that luxury is not always available to me. So at the very least, I must have one long shower or bath a day.
It depends on what is needed, I use all the elements to recharge. Water thou is my favorite. It was the first one I was shown how to use,
A secluded beach is a planned vacation for me very soon.
When I lived in Colorado I found a little place with a small stream deep in the mountains. I would sit out there for hours when things would get really bad at home. I would watch the deer, I once came upon a fawn sat next to it and just petted it for the longest time.
You can put me anywhere in the woods and I will find my way out, put me in a mall and damn if I am not lost for hours.
If an ocean is close by I am drawn to it like I am with the woods.
When you are near water can you sense the living beings in it? Or anywhere else for that matter?
How beautiful DFA! The ocean is breathtaking for me. I feel something very powerful. As much as it draws me, I normally am scared to swim too deep or too far. I watch the waves crashing into the rocks and I’m awed and humbled. We are incredibly powerless in comparison to mother nature. I respect her might.
As do i Love, nature is a powerful force, only one other I have felt that is like it.
I do hope you get to spend some time at one soon.
I totally disagree about having my narc back! To me all the memories I had with him are gone because none of them were true. I listen to musics that I enjoyed listening to them with him and it does not effect me at all. Of course it reminds me of him but does not make me sad and want have him back because I was not with a true sole. As you see us like appliances, I see your kind like appliances too. There is no true emotions there, no moral compass. You give so much credit to your kind but in reality, so many of us move on with our life happily and always thankful we have the knowledge about this disease that we are aware to be carful not to interact with your kind again. Knowledge is power and again thank you so much sharing your life with us. I enjoy reading and learning it..xoxox
Thank you Rain. It is not the case that this piece will apply to everybody. Some people move forward without experiencing this ‘Grey Period’, others experience it but for a short time and yet others are mired in it for a considerable time, it all depends on the nature of the narcissistic experience and the victim.
This made me cry.
Yes I need it again.
Not from him or the one prior or the one prior to the prior…
The memories of them are no longer saturated in sugar. They are now stale, lacking flavor.
I want it all again.
But from someone new.
That is the exciting part. It is like a big gift box. You don’t know what’s inside.
So many possibilities. So many opportunities. So much in-store.
There is no escape. Its to the death. You just got to play their game. And beat them at it.
H is on his knees now. Praying and behaving.
He will be sorry he saw me as prey.
I am a lion. Hear me roar. LOL
Thanks for the wonderful Insights. You are helping HG. Maybe not me…..cos I know your sort now. But I wish I had read these things YEARS ago. Its been a tough battle.
This is very painful to read. Yes, that’s how it feels when all is raw… some of us go to bed praying for our hearts to stop, to be saved from the pain that comes with a new day… some of us act, ensuring eternal sleep… to you, this means an appliance self-destructed… no problem, you already have a new one… and a sudden boost of energy rushes through your veins, that feeling of almighty power, when you hear of her death. Destroying others, even literally – something to be proud of, HG, isn’t it?
There is no feeling of almighty power when death takes an appliance, only disappointment that a source of fuel has gone. As I have repeatedly explained, you are preferred alive than dead (despite what we might say to you). It is all about the fuel.
To some of your kind, this is the ultimate power, I’ve come across that before. To you, it is not. I see…
Stop making me cry HG!
This was a great article on how I feel. The mental calendar of all my memories is heartbreaking. I remember everything we did and everywhere that she took me. This month is difficult because we spent nearly everyday together and there are reminders on tv, on the radio, and in the Christmas boxes I dug out. I am a sentimental person in the first place but the memories that she instilled in me are magnified by 100%.
I am happy to say that I haven’t had as many breakdowns as I thought I would have had by being surrounded by so many triggers. You are the reason for that HG. I am trying to replace some of those memories with other people just like you suggested. It’s true I don’t feel like doing as much this year but I’m forcing myself to participate in a few activities.
It’s dangerous how you can make us feel everything that you described above. I thought I had found a passionate, romantic, exciting, and an adventurous person and it was all a lie.
I do think of seeing her but I never want to go through that pain again. Thanks for your reminders. Nothing is worth that agony.
Yup my situation in a nutshell. You totally know what a codependant goes thru in the discard phase. These emotions are trauma bonds and the good news they can be broken and life’s boring can become life’s new contentment and secureness. Its the in between period while detoxing the chemical surges in the brain where its hellish. Ive been on this rollercoaster ride for 5 going on 6 yrs. Im trying to face the fear of these unpleasant feelings and being able to come out on the other side ok. Ok with me being enough and being ok alone.
Being a codependant or borderline you feel lost without the narcissist. They validate who u are and build u up bc they are the masters at creating magic afterall theyve created their own identity.
Trauma bond is so very real and is not only painful but scary to go thru but so is the rollercoaster and always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
One word….therapy
I loved your post Adele!!!
My therapist and I talk about the trauma bond and this is what she was trying to explain to my husband. It’s hard for people on the outside to comprehend. I hate that I still feel a couple of her chains around me but I have lifted so many.
How do you know? How can you know? Really, now.
Years of experience and observation M.
omg, yes…
it is exactly as you describe.
He makes me feel alive.
And on my own I cannot find aliveness anywhere.
I feel numb, life is dull and every day is long and boring.
Will I ever be able to feel alive again?
On my own?
Or will he come back?
Hello Sisha, he will come back, if there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover execution Criteria is met. As explained in other articles, there is much you can do to reduce this risk. Look at creating the hoover hurdles.
I still feel like this. My golden period wasnt long.. but it was. so . good. Was it all fake? Possible that at that time, he felt SOMETHING? Maybe it was real then but just not strong enough to endure?!
Hello Miss P, it was fake.
Did he know it was fake? Was it conscious – on purpose?
OH….MY…..GOD
This spoke to me more than any of your other posts.
It’s painfully true.
It is like an addiction to a drug that is killing us.
Chasing that initial high.
It’s like a tumour that we cultivate instead of removing it.
We can see it in all it’s painful glory but can’t stop.
Cognitive dissonance…..
I hate myself for loving someone who treats me like excrement.
Who knew this could happen to me?
Strong, independent, funny, happy, loyal, kind, caring little me.
My stuffing is ripped out – an empty toy lies broken on the floor….
Plenty more toys out there to break though isn’t there HG xx
Yes.
Oh How True. And getting rid of the last of those gifts feels like pulling out the harpoon in my heart, finally painfully removing it, and now more healing….but it will never be the same. I am bombarded by memories of the first holiday season. And it really wasn’t that great.
Thank you.
Accurate. Like going from technicolor to black & white. I miss the adrenaline rush of the relationship. The passion. The fights that brought out my demon. The spontaneous trips where magic happened.
But then I’m quickly reminded of how I had to get an aids test after I left him because I found out he’s a whore. And the days upon days of reading articles, books & your blog. Month after month. Now the thought of him makes me wanna vomit.
Though you are right (naturally)..i do have an article of clothing of his still in my dresser. His tie from a wedding we went attended. But I only keep it around so I can choke him with it if he ever comes back.
I really resent how accurate this is, damn it. But I appreciate you writing it. At the same time, I keep in mind that you Narcs ultimately need us more than we need you.