Tenacious
You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.
But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.
Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.
Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.
You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.
Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.
Try to understand that.
32 thoughts on “Tenacious”
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I wonder if our refusal to give up and keeping on and on trying to make things work may be bc as empaths we sense the narcissist’s own belief that the relationship is not over. We can feel this expectation that the relationship will continue and bc we love them, we keep trying. Likewise in a relationship with a non-narc we can sense that they feel it is over and want to move on, so we let them go.
maybe as empaths we know they are still broken and still in need of love so we’re still drawn to them? We know the work isn’t “done” although it may never be, of course our feelings are harder to push away especially if they have been good at luring us in with the right type of tricks get us addicted.
…”such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs”
“It is a fiction”
I am trying so hard to understand this. It’s all so ludicrously unbelievable.
No one ever could understand, the advice from friends ” you can fix this, you’re smart, funny and attractive enough to work it out”
I even went to doctors to see what was wrong with me. Why I can’t make him happy. I’m not sexual enough, I’m not understanding enough…I’m too anxious..I’m too tired..I’m irritable..when I fix these things he’ll surely be happy…
Ha..what a waste of my life. I’m looking forward to escape. But when you have children one never fully escapes. Any suggested works on that HG is most appreciated.
Hello Ginger, the books Devil’s Toolkit, Manipulated and Black Flags will assist you in identifying and understanding the manipulations used, Escape provides information on how to counter them and Exorcism allows you to move forward.
Preach HG Preach!
“Preach” has no single meaning, but is used to convey a casual sense of affirmation, acknowledgement, Said in agreement, something that is real, absolute, well said, a person dropping mad knowledge,
Or to indicate that something has impressed you favorably.
HOPE. Who ever thought HOPE would end up being the tool of destruction, huh? So glad you have pointed out a bunch in posts that HOPE held too tight can take the very oxygen out of our breath needed to live. My whole purpose in life is based on HOPE. However, you have helped me understand that as a prisoner of war is captured, isolated, tortured, and the main focus of the enemy is to ultimately strip the prisoner of all HOPE. This is done by giving the POA tiny glimpses of possible release or improvement of conditions, or change of environment, or contact with loved ones, but never following thru… thus doing this over and over and over expecting the POA to finally give up HOPE since there is no actual follow thru. See, the enemy knows HOPE lost will break the spirit. Once the spirit is broken well… the enemy wins. This is exactly what the enemy inside of the Narc wants to do to us hopefuls. Although they need the HOPE as fuel for a season it is ultimately the enemies goal to see our spirit completely broken in the end as they replace us… thus the enemy is filled with even more fuel thinking they had that much power to break us. Wow!!! So… the goal of us hopefuls needs to be to start using wisdom where to invest our HOPE!!! I do have to say that although my Narcs attempt to do that to me did almost kill me and break me…. but was no match for my God!! I was able to keep standing even when my legs had no strength. Our HOPE needs to be in the only true God… not man. Thanks HG. You brought it home once again!! 😉
There is a video about this very topic of hope. It centers around the fact that a narc will discard when they see u no longer have any hope left.
They want to destroy us bc theyre envious of us. They know were so much better than them in so many ways and what attracted them to us is what they want to destroy. Envy and jealousy and misery internally
Yes Adele, it is so clear now what their goal is. Mind blowing really!!!
I am not looking to start the golden period again. Thanks to HG i know this is not a possibility. I just want to stay in his life. He wants that too. We are friends now. I can never be at peace without some contact with him.
This is me totally. Trying to figure out how reinvent this relationship and be ok with it. Im still very resentful. Its amazing i want anything to do with him but after 5 yrs of sharing things its hard to just cut this man out of my life. I do care and love him despite the things hes done. I love the chats we share and interests but this resentment is almost too much. I think sometimes u do have to make that decision to end it so u no longer carry those toxic feelings around. Its exhausting
Very exhausting 😞
I’d love to hear more as trying to do the same and people say it never works, how does it work for you?
He told me he has no emotions, no identity, and that i’ll only be seeing my reflection, in those exact words. That sounded a little creepy to me. Then i started my research. Narcissism had been unveiled.
After learning how much narcissists suffer, i told him i will never desert him again. (This is after the hoovers and 1.5 months of no contact.) He lives in a different state now so we are in contact via phone and text, approximately every other day. He is depressed and low on fuel. I always give him an ego boost which he loves. He wanted to visit me but i declined. I am afraid if i see him we will end up being physical, and then the horrible withdrawal symptoms of the increased oxytonin levels will start again. He said he wants to remain best friends forever. I don’t know how long it will last but from my side i will always be there for him.
oh wow, what an interesting story! Wish there was an easy way to connect and discuss further
This is a kind post. Your “kindness” is heartbreaking. Who could be more kind?
I don’t believe in words like empaths and codependents.. I also think narcissism is a spectrum and it coincides often with other things like BPD and sociopathy. I think the key is to understand that a person is toxic and not label coz it is a spectrum and people are diff.
Anyway point being – this spoke to me too. My friends kept saying: why are you hung up after so long? It shouldnt take this long… you are obsessive – but I am not. Yes I am still stuck because I can’t make head or tale of it. All I need is some validation and everyone arounds me keep saying move on — I know I have to that’s not the point — it’s the validation that’s elusive and keeping me stuck.
Also the fear that someone else’s golden period may be true.. and I would-be the loser… what say HG?
Hello Miss P, I agree with your comments about the spectrum. Your desire for validation is understandable, natural and is engineered because as you rightly identify, it is keeping you stuck. Your fear (albeit one which is unfounded) that someone else’s golden period may turn out to be real and long is also a natural reaction of a discarded victim. Take it from me, it is not and it won’t last,
I also think as a codependant we are alike with narcs in that we dont feel confidant or like ourselves and try harder to please people who dont treat us as well. It really is a dysfunctional dynamic
This post really spoke to me on many levels. Very helpful ty!
The key point for me is the golden period was fiction. Where it becomes reality is the constant hoovering and attention. If my narc stopped this it wouldve been over yrs ago. That said theres been a lot witheld and ive learned to let go. Not entirely but enough to get my head straight again. Hoovering and crumbs are are what keep codependants hooked. Within a normal relationship people dont hoover the same.
Again its the fact that its an illusion that keeps us trying to regain what was once the honeymoon stage. Over time narcs cant keep the illusion going nor do they want to. Thats why theres a cycle.
I watched a video on this lady in a marriage for 18 yrs and her hubby supposedly never had other supply but kept the abuse cycle going within the marriage so she was the many victims of his narcissism. Its always a cycle with narcissists. If its not u its being done to someone else. Never ever feel envious over other supply the same will happen to them as well bc narcs rarely change.
You are welcome and thank you for your observations.
Tudor, I asked you a question on one of your previous post. You did not approve of its submission and I notice you only answer obviously easy questions… Or, you simply don’t have an answer when there’s no response ?
Not at all, I have had a busy time the past few days and those posts with longer comments and questions are held in moderation so I can consider them fully. I like to read everything. It will appear and be answered in due course.
Hi HG
Hello Sarah
Thank you.
As much as the golden period is tantalising that much is a painful reminder of a fake… as much as I miss it I’d rather have a silver delicate and gentle period of slow growth of a real love between two souls… Who understand eachother, know eachothers darkest secrets, accept eachother, respect and support…. The real… commitment between the two….not a Hollywood “fake love”… I know it’s possible… I’ve seen it with my eyes between two people I know who are in their 50s now…. I know none of them is a Narcissist but do I care? Narcissist more than anyone NEED it and so do I…. I need it more than anything before I fade completely….
I’ve only been in 2 relationships….. One for 13 years and after he cheated I left him and never looked back even though we had a child together.
However upon meeting the narcissist four months later I found myself so deeply in love that even though I endured horrendous pain emotionally, I was unwilling to let go of my “soul mate”.
He broke every Boundry and yet I forgave and tried so hard.
18 years later I am sat alone wondering how it turned out this way for me…..
He’s replaced me.
He’s irreplaceable….. how pathetic am I 😞
I feel the same way 🙁
So sorry dawn, hugs. You can do better! Its never too late to turn a new page.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOtBNC3dO2w&w=560&h=315%5D
Dawn: You’re not pathetic and we are not in the business of replacing people. You can put yourself out there without any drama from him and you can find love 🙂 You know what to look for and you know what to steer past now. When unsure keep your independence and boundaries and please have some fun, please go out and do it because you deserve it, firstly and keep doing it xo ps Just do it-live 🙂
Dawn you feel he is irreplaceable b/c he put on such a great show. If he was a Narc then it wasn’t real. The fact that you are a forgiving and a hopeful person is what keeps you invested. And he knew this, and still knows. He seemed like a soul mate b/c he mirrored back to you what he knew you wanted to see, hear, and feel…. but it was not real… it was part of the act. You are not pathetic. It is difficult to grasp, but is necessary to grasp and not let go of reality so you can heal and move forward. 💜