Pet
“Sexpot”
“Angel”
“Babe”
“Honey”
“Princess”
“Babygirl”
“Penguin”
“Corky”
“Glow worm”
From the obvious and well-used to the corruptions and bastardisation of your first name through to the downright bizarre, pet names are a standard feature of relationships. Parents may have a nickname or pet name for their child, we use nicknames for our friends but most often they are used in the context of an intimate relationship. Their use is to denote endearment and to highlight something special and unique (although using babe is not going to win awards in that category) between that person and their significant other. When used in the context of a non-narcissistic relationship they are relatively harmless, perhaps hinting at something which teases and might be mildly embarrassing (e.g. calling someone glow worm because they go red and become embarrassed easily) but generally they are used as a fond and kind epitaph. That situation becomes corrupted and entirely different in our hands. We regularly use pet names for our primary sources, but our motives for doing so are not about being genuinely endearing but for a host of more nefarious reasons.
- It is done to appear to endearing to you so that you think you are special to us. You merit being given a pet name and therefore you are led to think that we naturally care and love you since we have taken this step. This is done because it is a standard step in many intimate relationships and all we are doing is mimicking that for the purposes of making you think that the relationship between you and us is wonderful, special and marvellous.
- You are our possession. By giving you a label in this manner we are branding you and stamping on you that you belong to us. It enables us to exert control over you.
- We objectify all of our appliances and by giving you a pet name we are reinforcing that. We may call you “angel” but in our minds you are just an angel, one of hundreds no thousands out there. In the way that those who find themselves in a perilous situation might use their name with an aggressor of kidnapper in order to humanise themselves and the other person, we utilise pet names to dehumanise you. It is our stand point that you are an object to us and it is far easier to control and abuse an object.
- We use the same pet names for many of our appliances. There will be differences when for example the pet name plays on your name, so if you are called, Rebecca, we may call you Beccipops, but if it is a pet name which is nothing to do with your actual name or a distinct attribute of yours then you should be aware that several primary sources before you all got the same name and the ones that comes after you will as well.
- By using a pet name and keeping it the same for all our primary sources we minimise the risk of calling you, accidentally, by the wrong name and bringing about questioning and a challenge. Thus, if we call you “Sugarbumps” and we are having an affair, the other person will also be called “Sugarbumps”. If you were ever granted access to a narcissist’s phone, do not be surprised to see Sugarbumps1 and Sugarbumps2 in the directory.
- As with many things narc, what we grant we then take away in order to upset you and exert control over you. Thus if we always referred to you as “Hot stuff” you can expect that come devaluation you would be referred to by your actual name instead of there may even be a corruption of the pet name, for instance calling you “Cold stuff” instead. This is done to make you react and feel hurt by this change in the affectionate pet name.
- In some instances, the pet name may actually seem like a compliment to you but actually has a hidden meaning to our kind and whilst you smile when you hear this name being used, we are actually laughing at you on the inside because you do not realise that you are being insulted. One example might be by jokingly referring to you as the boss. Thus in front of you and our coterie we may say,
“Thanks for asking, I will have to run it by the boss.”
You smile at this affectionate deference to your authority oblivious to the fact that my coterie and I know is means Best Of Seven Sluts, being a reference to how we regard you sexually.
- In some cases, we forget who you actually are (because we regard you as an object) but if we call all objects “Munchkin” then we can fall back on that and refer to you by this name without appearing stupid for forgetting what you are called.
- We may invent new and different pet names which are insulting, disrespectful and unpleasant when we embark on our devaluation of you. We may call you The Rash because you keep appearing everywhere when we do not want to see you. We may call you The Pirate because you have small breasts, e.g. a sunken chest. We may label you as The Thorn because you are a pain in our side or we may just go for It as regular readers will know from my treatment of Lesley.
- We will also insist that you use a pet name for us but we will choose it. Nobody normal chooses their nickname and then tells people to use it. Nicknames and pet names evolve from characteristics witnessed by those around the recipient of the name. The fact that we appear and tell you to call us “Goldenballs” is evidence of our sense of entitlement and grandiosity.
The use of a pet name by our kind is never to be regarded as pleasant and complimentary. It is a device for demeaning you, upsetting you and exerting our control over you, in the same way that one keeps a pet animal, that is how you are regarded as we keep you in one of our gilded cages.
96 thoughts on “Pet”
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Should I confront him on the loss of the name “babe” or let it slide?
Let is go. And him.
Thank you, so much, HG. I will try…
When I was the Primary Source during the golden love bombing phase, he called me babydoll. All emails were always signed “Cheers, babe!”. After a year of seeing him, I pressed for commitment (and a status change on FaceBook), and my Mid-Ranger immediately friendzoned me. Even as “friends” (and now the IPSS?) all emails continued to end with the customary “Cheers, babe!”. Suddenly something changed in September. He no longer likes any of my posts or profile pics on FaceBook and emails are ended with “Cheers!”. After reading all of HG Tudor’s excellent materials, I assume he has found a new Primary Source.
Tudor,
You never approve of my comments; as I take it , they are too hard for you. And if that is the case then I understand. I assume, likely correctly, that you’d not approve of this comment either, and that is okay, because I as I said, I understand…
You best regards ;),
Vashti
Supposing the comment of my creation of my pet name for you upon having coming across photos of yourself, was for whatever reason at your dissaproval and that is okay because it is neither significant nor insignificant for you to ever need to know what that pet name is, and so as understanding as I am, I’ll likely never mention it to you nor this again.
– Vashti
Now enquiring minds want to know…what would you name good ole’ triple B here HG?
Why, Triple B of course. I need to keep a beady eye on someone with a bloody blade.
Angel… I figured that one out… pfft
I was branded with “Baby” and “My Sweet Love” every single day, all day long (at work/in private and in texts), for nearly 5 years straight. He never once called me by my name unless we were at work (he was my boss), in front of others. If we were at work and alone, he called me by my “object” names. Now I understand why he never said, “My Wife” or “Marie” to me. It was always “my spouse” or “that other person”.
WOW!!! How incredibly amazing it is to finally understand all the little details of the confusion he deliberately created in my mind. Even something as simple as, not understanding why he would never call me by my name, but never asking because it was easier to cover it up by telling myself, “he just REALLY LOVES ME” and enjoys making me feel special. Not to mention, I didn’t want to rock the boat. I was enjoying the Golden Period – or was I being Devalued, HG? He never once, in nearly 5 years, talked down to me. He’d get mad, but never belittle me with names. I also always wondered why he said “my spouse”, but again, covered the truth by lying to myself (his game plan) and saying, “it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and he doesn’t love her anymore. UNBELIEVABLE!!! He definitely exuded control over me.
HG, thanks again for another great speech! I love and admire your work!
You are most welcome BH. In terms of whether he was devaluing you when he was doing this, you need to consider what else was going on around you at the same time.
This is exactly why I need to set up a session with you (after the holidays) because there is so much confusion as to what I was to him and what everything really meant to him. I look forward to hearing your expertise on my particular situation.
It will be a pleasure to explain.
*To clarify I mean your exchange with Cara above regarding pet names…
Hello HG,
I am interested in understanding your exchange with Cara.
My ex called me “babe” until he started calling me “brat” (I am 30 years younger). It was always in a text, and always in the form of “Love you brat! xxxx”
I didn’t like this name but never expressed my displeasure. To this I would reply, “Love you git! xxxx” (meaning old git).
How would he have interpreted this?
It would have been seen as fuel Rainbow owing to the “love you” element and the fact he would know you meant it as a term of endearment.
He’s always called me sexy, babe, bae, etc. Usually only when he wants sex from me.
I’m on the shelf right now, and he’s hoovering/playing with me at the moment to keep me buttered up for I don’t know what…
Does he still see me as a possession? He hasn’t really made an effort to see me the past few months.
But when I posted that I was at a hotel this past weekend, he saw and instantly contacted me in every way he could, like he wanted to make sure I wasn’t with a guy. Doesn’t make sense to me because he really doesn’t treat me like a “possession” anymore.
Hi Sarah, you are always an object and subject to our possessive nature.
“Artichoke” and “duckling” were the chaste nicknamethat he used for me… he used also other nickname sexual and disrespectful that I dislike.
In response I used for him “zucchini”, “penguin”, “pork shank” and “missed pornstar” 😝
I only had one narc (a lesser Neanderthal) disrespect me with derogatory names. He was the first and the last to do so. The rest were respectful. I just got the generic names: baby, honey. I think they used them on everyone and it prevented them from messing up and calling the wrong girl by the wrong name.
He called me all those sweet names: Baby, Sweetheart, Sweety, Honey, Angel, Babydoll, Beautiful, ETC.. But, when the tides changed, he called me: Satan’s Spawn, Evil, B*tch, Brat, Trouble Maker, Crazy, ETC…
Thank you HG I will assume it was just used to pull me back, cause that is when it started to be used when I started to pull away.
It becomes a bit less endearing when I start calling him “Asshole”, unless (of course) he’s willing to play right back and call me “Bitch” or “Beast” or something in that vein.
Oh it must be true love Cara!
It will be when I find one like that
Touche.
This has me curious to know what my nickname would be. I recall our previous banter on this post.
Nanook
Perfect.
Because translated from the Inuit language, Nanook means “hot, sexy bad-ass woman who inhabits the Great White North.”
How apt.
You are welcome.
Yes
‘Glow worm’ sounds cute, actually… made me giggle… gently teasing and lovely… if it came from a normal man, not someone as evil as you! 🙂
Precisely Matilda.
What would beloved mean, my curiousity has finally gotten the best of me.
I am sure it is not what I associated it with.
If you are called beloved?
I wonder …what would You call me. xxx…?
Salopia.
that is heart breaking! 😭 💔
I suspect you have misunderstood.
You just broke my heart with one word. You deserve Your crown 👑 there You go.
Do you know what it means though?
Floreat Salopia?
Somebody is on the right track.
Shropshire? Coat of arms. Motto.
“May Shropshire flourish!” – Salop. being the standard abbreviation for Shropshire.
Do I move to head of the class now or must I sit back here with the rest of the rebels?
You can sit up front.
That was my guess just not here… not to mention many other meanings….
I was never given one by most recent narc. What would you call me, HG? I know you get asked to name pets.
I would call you Cherry Pie and direct you to watch the YouTube video of the same name by the band Warrant.
Haha, I’ll take it. Thank you HG.
Now, since they’re never to be regarded as pleasant and complimentary. And are instead a device for demeaning, upsetting, exerting your control…
What would be the unkind meaning behind it?
Watch the video.
Ouch.
I’ve watched it.. I fail to see the problem. Perhaps I’m just one of those “Primary Intimate Source in the streets, DSIPSS in the sheets” types.
What do you think the Cherry Pie is?
Um… Hmm.. I guess I’m confused. What does it mean to you, HG? 🍒
I will help you out Cherrylin as I like you.
To begin with if you and I were in a narcissistic relationship during seduction and the golden period I might call you Cherry Pie because it sounds cute, a cherry pie is a sweet and tasty dish and it also might be regarded as a cheeky euphemism for you possessing a tasty intimate area.
Then during the devaluation, as you might have seen, the Cherry Pie falls into the lap of the attractive lady in the Warrant video and my use of Cherry Pie, during devaluation would be because I think of you as a crude name for a lady’s intimate area.
Thus the nickname may appear lovely to you, but in devaluation means something else to me.
For the avoidance of doubt, since you and I do not know one another and shall remain in a golden period of considerable longevity, the use of such a nickname for you is complimentary – as it is for all my readers here.
Thank you for taking the time to explain, HG. I tried to think in a mean way and just couldn’t come up with anything. Even reading your explanation, it doesn’t sound particularly bad. I can see that your kind and mine do indeed think differently.
But, hypothetically, it doesn’t really matter if I’d take offense or not, does it? It would be a tool used to devalue me in your mind. I imagine being okay with your hidden definition or finding it cute or funny might even aid the devaluation.
Correct.
Mine was kitty :)) and he called me so, since the 3rd day…I felt it weird since we didn’t knew each other that good. He told me to call him tiger, and mean in a while insisted jokingly that I can also call him doctor, because he had an PhD, that he was very proud of.
It’s so true, HG! My ex would call me Babygirl and Love. He only called me by real name when we broke up. And I felt he was trying to show me he was not attached anymore, I guess. Very interesting article.
“Goldenballs.” I just spewed my tea out of my nose.
The underlying intent to mock and boy I think I entangled with the mocker of all mockers. Of the various pet names all with an edge and reference to sex infuriated me. ‘Sex on legs’, (no deadsh*t N2 I don’t get it, but then again you call me this when you are legless so I am not going to try and go figure). “Hotlips”, Gee N2 you have watched the Mash series since it’s production and repeat, repeat and I guess that’s because you never had much else to do! By the way N2 I don’t like being compared to Loretta Swit, we are nothing alike! ‘Mother’ that one cracked up my family and just because I had a son with him did not make my christian name Mother! Nor did I name our son to be called, Son! (In that alone one can work out simply that he was raised in that way and so in that, I guess I should have called him father’ or son! Got the point that I would not answer to anything but my full christian name and I don’t handle shortcuts well. I never cut down his name like the suckers do and I call him by his full first christian name and he hates his full christian name, says it’s old and fuddy duddy and I am like yeah, went with the territory! I call people by their name and don’t cut corners- never have unless it is to extend compassion. I am not into babe’ there was a movie in Australia about a pig called babe. I allowed darlin’ for a period of time until I realised after he had been a baddy he would smooth it over by calling me darlin’. As I have been called every other name under the sun that is noxious there was no rhyme nor reason to any of the bullcrap. Then he would intentionally join in with others that said, I was a look alike of certain movie stars, singers until his soggy brain kept messing up with the Audrey Hepburn thing and calling me Catherine! On social media if their name is Beck then so it shall be. I am asked often what I prefer to be called followed by an assumption that my name be reduced to the reduced version I don’t identify with at all. No more than I like Buddy between men cajooling one and other nor love’ from women or men. Honey, I don’t like at all- I am allergic to bee-stings and become a medical emergency! I am difficult to please 😛
“I guess I should have called him father’ or son!”
Interesting that you say that, I noted during one of my Silent Treatments how he was being like my biological dad. It put me back in that child mentality. I was bad and so he was gone. I felt very small. It actually became a moment of inner realization and growth for me. He had tapped into all that old pain of childhood abandonment. That was why it hurt so bad. It had made no sense until then.
Coincidentally, my least favorite pet names are darlin’ and m’lady. Those were what my genetic dad called me whenever he did actually talk to me.
Mine HATED being called “Mister”. He told me he wasn’t his dad … haha!
If I have to go cry again I’m going to have to call on my Kentucky cousin Johnny Depp once again today and he’s not going to be very happy with you.
Maybe a fwb offer would be better?
C’mon HG. Can’t we be friends? pleaseeeeeeeeeee
Score! Fuel fed. Now may I sincerely ask for your full forgiveness? Truly I ask.
I’m going to go cry now. You have really hurt my feelings.
Since my boyfriends pet name is Sugarplum, your pet name is Sugarplum2, HG. Xx
Seriously HG, please don’t devalue and discard me. It’ already happened to me once this year. Forgive me if I’ve managed to upset you. I’m sincerely apologetic.
It’s triple B here asking for your forgiveness pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Dearest HG, Is something wrong? My comments aren’t being answered. What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong? Please tell me what I did wrong? 🙂
Mine was always my name with kinzz on the end of it. Does he just add this to everyone’s name? Primary and or secondary intimate partners? Not sure where this goes but it has been years since we kissed intimately. What happened?
More than likely.
We despise intimacy and refusing you it is part of the desire to devalue you and draw negative fuel.
My narc and i were actually talking about this very topic because i have a habit of calling him and my dog many nicknames. A quirk i have. He had commented that it could be confusing to my dog.
Hes called me some nicknames like canuckums. Hes american im canadian.I never took it in a negative way as we were being silly but in the back of my mind i know from past experience hes said things with a sarcastic edge. Almost like a hidden joke behind it. This is where narc relationships lack trust and feeling at ease. You never know whats genuine and what is them laughing at you to themselves.
HG I have a question that only you can answer. Hoping you will reply with an answer. My question is, is it possible for an SE to have narc tendencies herself? and if she does how would she pair with as an IP to a full blown male narc. Your answer would be greatly appreciated your highness.
Yes the SE has narcissistic tendencies and of all those in the Empathic Group, he or she has the strongest narcissistic tendencies. They do not outweigh the empathic ones, since those empathic tendencies and traits are very strong, but the balance does tip which allows the empathic tendencies to come to the fore. I am writing an article about when this happens, so keep a look out.
What are the different kinds of empaths you speak of? SE? I look forward to reading your article about it.
In the Empathic Group I place Co-Dependents, Super Empaths and Empaths. They also have Empathic Tendencies such as Geyser, Carrier, Magnet and others which I have yet to share.
I just read some of your articles on empaths! Thank you! Very enlightening! I am learning so much here! I read once about intellectual empaths and identified well with that but after reading your post about magnet empaths, it immediately resignated. People, complete strangers, have always approached me and told me about their problems. l also relate to some of the geyser one as well. I am more composed with my emotions though. I bounce back very quickly and l believe love makes the world go round. I consider it a great strength. One that makes me unbreakable! I also don’t have a problem during discard. Is that strange? Mine just tried to hurt me by telling me he found someone else who he was in love with and all l could say was…”you should be with her then if she is who makes you happy. I wish you well!” I really mean it too. I’m okay with letting go. The dance can’t last forever.
Thank you Ana. Yes some people have oodles of bouncebackability.
I’m also very interested in your article, HG! I definitely see some narc characteristics in myself as being a SE! Hate to admit it, but it’s what I’m discovering about myself as I continue to learn from your blog.
Wondering if sweetheart would also be considered a pet name? Or would that just be a generic for all?
I would place that as generic BBB.
less popular culturally in some parts of Europe so alas I didn’t get one, although he did like my full first name vs my abbreviated version (but this is also more common here). HG I was never ever ever called the ex wife’s name till after 9 months in? Then many times within the span of a few weeks, any thoughts? And no penguin for me please! 😉
He was calling you that purely to devalue you and provoke a reaction.
lol coconut butter, now I wonder why?
Mine is “nugget.”
I always thought it was endearing until now. Thanks for enlightening us. I think l’ll go put a bag over my head now. Lol!
Hi Ana,
………….. Why would “nugget” have ever been endearing to you….? There’s nothing loving or special about it. Not even someone who is a family member or friend would refer one to that as a ‘pet’ name …
Good question! Lol! Hard to explain. I suppose because the way he uses it feels kinda “fatherly.” He’s a genius with a 169 lQ and always teaches me the most brilliant things. So l’ve taken on the role of the pupil and he’s the mentor. I call him brainiac and he calls me nugget. He always says it with such affection that l guess l never questioned that it meant something bad. I know better now.
If you call him “brainiac” … he’s probably calling you “nugget”, to suggest you have a ‘small’ brain. But at least, now you know better…
Yes…That would make sense. He sees himself as intellectually superior to everyone. Lol! Let him believe as he wishes. I know better so it doesn’t make me insecure. I don’t mind being his “small brained” nugget so long as l get the benefit from learning from him.
Learning is awesome… But I say crush ’em even better by learning else where.. – And what does that suggest ? 😊 The best with everything !
Wow okay HG, so why does,’boss’ have a hidden meaning of being a slut?
Whoa Alexis, are you saying Tattoo called Mr Roarke a slut when he announced the arrival of the plane. Shit the bed! The things you learn on here.
Wow HG! I’m confused? And you’re no bloody help at all!