Ever Presence
Ever presence. A hugely important element of the narcissistic relationship. We must create it in order to ensure that you are prevented from moving on and to maximise our prospects of executing a successful post escape or post discard hoover. Ever presence is the act of making us seem like we are still with you, even though we are not physically proximate to you. It is a necessary device so that we remain in your thoughts, we loom large in your memories and we permeate each day as you try to survive without us. Ever presence is highly effective because it is woven into the fabric of our engagement so that it infects all of your senses. We want you to feel us when you hear some music, we want you to think of us when there is a certain fragrance in the air, we want you to recall us when you see a particular item or watch a film, we want you to remember us when your fingers wrap around a particular object and we want you to sense us with you when you taste a drink or a meal. We do not just want our memory to spring from one item alone but from repeated reminders of what we had together. Largely ever presence is created so you remember the good, so you hark back to the golden period and experience that sense of yearning which causes you to break no contact. There are times when ever presence can be a reminder of the bad times as well although this is rarer and might only be done and activated for the purpose of malign hoovers.
What is going through our mind though when ever presence is created? Is it a conscious act? Do we plan it? Do we consider how best to achieve ever presence or is it just sheer coincidence that it happens, a result of the powerful emotions that we evoke in you that just happen to be imprinted with relatively run of the mill and mundane occurrences? Are you culpable for the creation of ever presence by falling so deeply and intensely in love with us that you place such emotional stock in certain songs, events and places? Is it all planned and orchestrated, a dark grand design that is wheeled out as part of our ongoing and calculated manipulation of you?
The Lesser, as you might expect, creates the least powerful ever presence. This is as a consequence of two factors. The first is that he does not act through calculation but rather through instinct. He will know that picking a nick name for you, choosing “our song” and sending you a few gifts is part of how the romancing should proceed but he gives little thought as to how this will impact on you. Secondly, the weaving of ever presence occurs through the seduction phase as a consequence of the creation of all these marvellous memories. The Lesser does not so much go in for love-bombing but rather keeps the beast under lock and key during the golden period (which might be better named as the bronze period for the Lesser Narcissist). Since there is less in the way of love-bombing it follows that there is less sowing of the ever presence. The Lesser does however gain a distinct advantage over the other two schools as a consequence of this approach. The paucity of ever presence items means that when you happen upon one it has particular resonance. He may not have been overly romantic during the seduction but the fact that he baked some chocolate muffins for you and they became his signature dish means that the memory is especially strong with such an item. The fact that he would only slow dance with you to one particular song means that should you ever hear that song again, the recollection of dancing cheek to cheek is powerful indeed. None of this arises from calculation. The Lesser does the bare minimum when it comes to the seduction. Taken further, when dealing with the Victim Narcissist (who is usually a Lesser and occasionally a Mid-Range) you actually contribute to the creation of ever presence. This happens because you made certain dishes that he enjoyed and therefore should you make them now, it will remind you of how he praised you for making that delicious pie or tasty lasagne. It might be that every Sunday he took his weekly bath and you would scrub his back and wash his hair for him, pandering to the mothering instinct that many Victim Narcissists require. Each week at 7pm on a Sunday you will be moved to think that this was the time when you would tend to him in the bathroom. Thus the demands and the needs of the Lesser become a form of ever presence in themselves.
The Mid-Range, similarly lacking awareness, does not know that he is creating ever presence. He does however have enough about him to know that making a good effort during seduction will win him the prize that he requires and he will make good use of all the usual tangible effects which go into creating ever presence. He will sow them through the seduction. He will endeavour to mirror your likes and dislikes but he will also use his ability to evoke pity to good effect in the creation of ever presence. For instance, he may choose certain songs which he claims are representative of his desire for you. You may not actually like the songs that much, perhaps they are a different musical genre to the ones you like, but you are still pleased that he has taken the time to send these songs to you and to make them part of what constitutes “you and him”. Accordingly, these songs take on a particular resonance as they become representative of the relationship. You could not bear to tell him that you found Luther Vandross or Michael Buble corny, he sidled up to you simpering and cooing, so you went with the flow and allowed them to be woven into the relationship until they mattered. The Mid-Range places particular emphasis on wooing his victim (whereas the Greater bowls the victim over with his magnificence) and as part of this wooing he will ensure that he looks presentable, takes the victim to special places and treats the victim well, offering gifts and other favours. All of this wooing creates the ever presence which is a happy side effect from the behaviour of the Mid-Range.
The Greater sets out to establish ever presence with his victims. He knows of his addictive quality and wants to get you hooked. He deliberately ascertains what you like not only in order to mirror you as perfectly as possible but also to gather ammunition for the purposes of creating the ever presence. The Greater knows that for ever presence to be effective it must span the five senses and be regularly imprinted so the victim is conditioned. The Greater also knows that the grander the gesture and of course he is all about the grandiosity, the more likely it is to have an imprinting effect. By combining this with repetition and the breadth and depth of the use of all five senses, the ever presence created by the Greater is formidable indeed. The Greater also goes further because he not only will lace where you live with so much ever presence but he will endeavour to infect other places as well. The place you work, the places you dine, the places you like to shop, to go walking, go cycling and so forth. During the seduction, each time the Greater does something new with his victim he will be looking to imprint his presence on the event. It might be carving the initials on a tree beneath which you sat holding hands, it might be naming the view after you both when you halted on a mountain bike ride. It could be asking a bar man to create a cocktail in your name or ensuring that you are recognised and called by name by the maitre’d at certain establishments.
The Greater knows exactly what he is doing when he creates ever presence. Not only this, he has done it so many times with other victims he knows that it is effective. He already has a template which he applies. A template of songs, fragrances, textures, places and tastes that he uses for each victim. He might vary some of the items within this template, but often they are the same. He will ensure that his cologne is distinct and unusual, that there are key songs that embody the relationship, he will leave a particular piece of clothing with you early on which is pleasant to touch, he will ensure there are signature bars, restaurants, walks and such like. This imprinting will continue in the bedroom where he will perhaps unveil a particular word or phrase which is unusual (to you) which he uses on the point of orgasm (yours or his) or as a safe word. He will murmur something in your ear and touch you in a particular way, when combining with music in the same way to ensure that your sensations are heightened so that when you hear that song, you not only think of the Greater but you hear his voice in your ear and his breath on your neck. All of it is calculated and planned, even though there may not be vast differences between what is applied to each of his victims. After all, if it works and is efficient, he will go along with it.
48 thoughts on “Ever Presence”
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my suspected Narcissist bought the flat next door….I guess this is a descriptive case of ever presence right?
It is and a difficult one to deal with, unless of course you move. Did the suspected narcissist purchase it after you suspected they were a narcissist and you already knew them or did they move in and then you realised that you were dealing with a narcissist.
purchased it after I suspected they were a narcissist yes and had already started or tried to apply the gray stone method
in fact we knew each other for a while………flirtatious colleague I started to get distant from when I suspected what i was facing (gaslighting, cold shoulder etc)
The narcissist I was involved with used ever presence very effectively on my via emails and phone calls, I never met him. Learning about this early on and reading Exorcism, along with various other Tudor articles and YouTube videos, was very helpful in my ability to purge these as much as possible. Even so, another one reared it’s ugly head just yesterday. But, knowing what it was, I was able to deal with it effectively and not let it bother too much. 4 weeks next Mon since NC and I know had HG’s materials not been available, it would’ve been a much more difficult time.
Absolutely the case and well done on your solid start to NC.
Thanks. I feel like a bit of a fraud here since it was a short relationship and we never met in person but it did hit like a ton of bricks emotionally just the same. And, I don’t believe there have been hoover attempts, made so hopefully if that does happen I will stand strong.
You are obtaining information to assist you, that is not fraudulent in the slightest. The length of ensnarement is irrelevant with regard to the legitimacy of accessing the information.
HG’s book ‘Exorcism’ is very good regarding ‘Ever presence’ and you should get it if you are struggling.
Agreed and thank you.
THIS.
H.G., read this about an hour ago and have been sitting here for the last 60 mins. just letting the feelings of freedom and release wash over me.
I went no contact (which is fine — fool me once, but never again). I moved on with life (by all outward appearances). I looked inward to begin to rebuild. I followed all of the steps. I’ve been doing everything right. People think I’m okay, which is good.
What I could only admit to one or two close friends was that I felt like my brain was infected by some shitty virus that went from dormant to rampant and all-consuming, depending on whatever seemingly innocuous triggers I encountered during the day. I felt haunted. Possessed. Owned by someone else. Certain songs sent memories rushing back, while others caused a split-second physical paralysis. Certain words, phrases, images, or objects suddenly transported me back to some of the most exhilarating, euphoric times in my life, only to send me silently spiraling into sadness as my mind returned to the world in front of me.
I couldn’t understand for the life of me why I felt this way—why even after 8 months of no contact, it felt like my heart and mind were still controlled by someone else.
Ever presence. Oh. My. God.
I get it now. Knowledge really is power.
Thank you, H.G.
You just neutralized all of those memories. I think you may have just handed my life back to me.
Thank you.
You are welcome
how do you get over ever presence? Its been a year and a half, not seeing him, and I feel like he is still in my head. UGH!
You read Exorcism and consult with me.
How about now? Is he gone yet?
Mine took about three and a half years.
Hello! Mr Tudor, A man I never saw or met before me for over a year; He would come to the places I was to argue with me, I thought he had a mental problem, he has sense left me alone. Do people you never had a relationship with target random people to be their victim? If so way? Did he see a weakness in me? He always would say we were black and white. Do that mean ying and yang?
I will of course target complete strangers, one has to start somewhere.
So i’m a little confused… my ex N that I thought was a Lesser because of his raging fury left way more everpresence ‘bombs’ all over the place, like movies, notes, favorite dishes, certain cars, music, etc etc than my other ex N that I thought was a Greater, and who showed no fury, ‘just’ lots of silent treatments, glares, etc, but not so many everpresence bombs or do i not remember or was it not direcred at me (anymore). Was he just getting sloppy over the years or…?
The comment about the bronze period of the Lesser was hilarious btw… Thanks as always for the insight…
This explains why when I went no contact my narc put his cologne all over the pillows on my bed. Why he is still posting Tweets directed at me and threatening suicide – even 5 months later and a year long restraining order in place. So difficult to understand, but thank you for your insight… it has helped.
Gia, Was the restraining order due to past violence ?
It was due to one incident and threats he made… there are other past incidences with others (charges dropped, sealed cases I don’t know the details of, etc) so the judge granted it.
Stay strong gia💗
What is a victim narcissist?
Hello Lou Lou, all narcissists are victims, but the Victim Narcissist is one who plays on the need to be mothered, care for and given oodles of sympathy. If you read the book Sitting Target you will understand a lot more about this cadre of narcissist.
Thank you HG. My husband all over!!! He is always telling me I don’t care about him if I have a night off cooking, the house isn’t clean, he gets horny, if he is sick and I don’t look after him. He must always have lemonade when he is sick. If he gets home from week away for work and the house is not to his standards and I have not cooked him his favourite meal and be ready and waiting in the bedroom then I do not care. What comes next a night of the silent treatment after a massive put down leaving me feeling like the worst person alive.
Even though you do not love your girlfriends and you don’t care if they die or suffer you don’t want them to move on either ?
Nothing makes sense to me anymore
I love their fuel. That is the simple explanation as to why it is as it is.
I think I’m renaming my kitty (that my ex narc left with me) “ever presence”…..here, ever, ever,ever….come get your vittles.
Yes, everpresence is hard to deal with. At first you actively seek to fill all your senses with his presence, for solace. After a while, you cannot have anything near you or visit places that remind you of him… the more time passes, the more the memory of him fades… that is why it is so important to go NC… you learn to live with the remainders, they do not sting anymore… the best way to get rid of old memories is to create new ones!
*Correction victim narcissist
About the evolutionary misfit which is the lesser – “… every Sunday he took his weekly bath and you would scrub his back and wash his hair for him.” Why anyone would choose to be with a lesser is beyond me. You might as well go to a nursing home and pick up someome from there😂
Weekly bath? Yuk! I would at least hose him down daily.
The weekly bath sentence is in the article. But lol at your comment! The victim narc seems to have no self dignity. “Bathe me, clean me, feed me.” If anyone is with a victim narc pls enlighten me on the plus points of being with such a person. The ‘bronze period’ doesn’t seem to inviting either lol😂
Hi PTSD,
I thought I had a midrange level cerebral victim combo but now I don’t think so…mine never wanted that kind of caregiving. Ew. He was an alcoholic and struggled during relapses (binge periods every 6 months that lasted two weeks)… so I thought that made him more victim like…but I see i am mistaken. After reading sex and the narc I think my ex was a mid range cerebral with somatic traits (clothes, cars, watches, houses) and his sex wasn’t bad in the beginning (though I often took lead in experiments, which again made me think victim)…now I think he’s s hybrid.
I’m no mommy, I’m mami chula😈
The sex really hooks us. That’s why i chose not to be intimate with him again.
All these months later and I still find it astonishing that she planned everything that she did.
HG, why do you think to do that in the first place? Who teaches you that?
Three months have passed since I read this the first time and I still am finding things of hers or things that remind me of her. I was prepared for what was in the Christmas boxes.
I found earrings that one of her coworkers made for me, her name tag in a desk drawer, a cup from the zoo lights, and a movie that I had bought to give her. I hadn’t remembered that any of these were in my house.
Three months ago I was still crying quite a bit when I stumbled upon something but even though it stops me in my tracks I am not brought to tears like I was. I can feel the progress.
It is instinctive behaviour borne out of the need to have such a degree of control SW.
Good for you concerning your progress, how have you death with the items that you have found?
Hi HG, I just read the present article and it still gives me chills.
I sometimes I like to read the comments from the previous one to see where I am at.
I must have missed your response and I can report that I threw several of those items out and gave away the others. It does make me think of how she purposely planted many of the items. She was excellent at this. But the triggers do not have the effect that they used to.
I still am finding things and it does still stop me. It’s hard not to think of the memories that each item brings up. It’s a very powerful thing you do.
There was a makeup salesman that came to the gym and she bought me some makeup and I did think that was odd but I accepted it. I just found that and that’s got to go to. One more thing in another drawer.
She bought my son many things which includes apparel and other things. Should I get rid of them too?
I always enjoy reading about this topic. You do an excellent job explaining how this works. I’m sure I’ll have a comment each time you put one out since I find stuff all the time.
You are NOT ever present for me, Mr. Tudor. I only come on here to learn and also to share my experiences. But, you are not ever present for me.
Hi HG! My narc demanded that I help him to shower 😔
Hello HG! Don’t you get tired with this planning and games? When do you end it? As you get older and you won’t have that charm and also energy to continue this sick game, what would you do? Do you even think about getting old? My ex hated when I talked about getting old and always stopped me….
Hello Rain, no I don’t because I have to do it and I am good at it. Who knows, I may become tired of it, but I am now now, so that is what I concentrate on. As for aging, well don’t be sure that Ole HG here won’t have that charm and a toolkit full of manipulations still.
I do not contemplate about becoming old (save when I get asked about it here). The here and now is far more important.
o my…. Football stadium in my city… Ellie Goulding… my phone in my hand….every Mercedes I see… from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep…. and many many more…
Calculated or not, it works… :-/ It’s so difficult to forget. Sometimes I wish it would be possible to erase memories, like in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. 🙁
I hear you. One thing I found helpful was reading his book exorcism. He talks about methods to get him out of our thoughts. One is Getting rid of all evidence in the home, work and electronics of the ex. It helps.even getting rid of things you really like. I did it…it was hard to part with a couple of items but felt so much better that those reminders were not sitting around.
I identify with that picture Mr. Tudor. That’s how I feel about your forum and books. I’m addicted. You are ever present for me.
I know what you mean…