Trapped :The Car
Control.
We need to control everything around us. This must be done so we can gain fuel. This must be done because our natural paranoia causes us to need to exert our will on those around us, before they can do so to us and undoubtedly with catastrophic consequences. Only by exerting control can we be sure and satisfied that the order of things will be as we require it to be. We hate to be subject to the control of others. That reminds us of matters which are best left alone.
This need and desire for control causes us to adjust our manipulations so that we can engineer situations where we can achieve total control. Total control arises when we have you trapped.
This concept of trapping you works on several levels. The widest level is within the confines of the Narcissistic Relationship. This is why we regard your entanglement with us as being permanent. We chose you and now you belong to us. You have no say in this of course, why would you when you are not of our calibre? The idea of trapping you continues in terms of the Formal Relationship. This is why we move swiftly to proclaim you as our boyfriend, fiancee, partner, wife and so forth. The application of this labelling is more than just a convenient way of referring to you. We trap you during seduction with the illusion that we create. We trap you during devaluation through the application of our machinations to ensure that you remain stuck and confused. We place traps all around you so they snap close and hold you tight. We get you pregnant, we isolate you from your friends, we make you give up your job so you become financially dependent on us (although we will naturally complain about you leeching off us later on), we stop you seeing your family, we smear people to you and you to them so you are cut adrift from your support networks. On and on it goes the placing and laying of these traps at varying levels so you remain trapped.
This trapping continues within the various stages of the narcissistic cycle. Most often this manifests when we are devaluing you. In keeping with the need to have total control, we want to engineer situations where you are under our control, unable to escape us and thus we can exact our machinations against you and extract what we want from you. To do this, we create Situational Traps and there are many of them which I shall detail to you over the course of various articles, but we shall begin with a Situational Trap which is a favourite of ours; the car.
We will naturally be at the wheel after all the car is ours (whether it might be in your name is irrelevant) and so we have to be the one driving. We choose where we are going, the speed at which we go, the controls of the car are under our charge. You are sat besides us, seatbelt on, buckled in to your seat as the world flashes by. You cannot escape us. You cannot jump from the car. You might unclip your seatbelt and climb into the back of the vehicle, if you are nimble enough, although we will stop you from trying to do that. You are in the hotseat, right next to us and we know it.
You may we well cuffed to a chair in some dingy basement, with a single bright light shining in your face for the interrogation and treatment will be of a similar nature. The journey may have begun pleasantly enough but if this is a trip which is taking place during the devaluation period, all it takes is for your to blunder in to criticising us and then our fury ignites and the nastiness commences. With you trapped we know that we have you all to ourselves. There is nowhere for you to go. With a Mid-Ranger or a Greater, you will be lured into the vehicle purely for the purposes of us being to rely on the Situational Trap. The behaviour which has offended us may have taken place earlier, in some instances days earlier and with plotting mind firing away, we avail ourselves of the opportunity to coerce you to go on a journey with us. It will undoubtedly be under some false pretence; a picnic, a drive to the coast, a trip to the shopping mall. Once you are in, the seat belt is on and the central locking clicks, then you are our prisoner. The smile we wore fades in an instant and the fury which we have kept under control is now allowed to the surface. This enables us to draw fuel form your reactions, your pleading, your questioning, your puzzled expression, the fright in your eyes and such like. We may well have placed your bag in the boot which contains your ‘phone so you cannot call anybody. If you try to reach for your ‘phone, it will be snatched from you and thrown to one side, quite possibly from the moving vehicle as we ensure that you are isolated and trapped.
You cannot go anywhere. There is nobody to ask for help. You cannot move out of this confined space. Thus we have placed you in this Situation Trap which is allowing us to exert complete and utter control over you, enabling us to do as we please, for howsoever long we choose and accordingly, such total control is very much an outcome that we aim for.
When we have you to ourselves in this manner, so begins the unpleasant treatment which is all designed to ensure you remain subjected to our power and for you to give us fuel. There are many different ways we exert this when we have you trapped in the passenger seat besides us and these are some of those ways:-
- Driving at an excessive speed and/or recklessly;
- Slamming the breaks on causing you to jolt forward, then accelerating, then braking hard again, catapulting you back and forth;
- Braking hard when you are about to take a drink so it spills;
- Turning up the music extremely loud;
- Cross-examining you relentlessly about something you have done or not done;
- Administering a silent treatment;
- Telling you at the outset of the journey that we are going somewhere and then driving in a different direction or past the destination and refusing to explain where we are going;
- Assaulting you physically as we drive;
- Driving at night in an unlit area and switching the lights on and off;
- Swerving violently over the road, overtaking at dangerous places;
- Repeatedly insulting you;
- Shouting at you;
- Poking you as we question you.
- Driving into the middle of nowhere in silence, save for a baleful glare that we keep giving you;
- Threatening to drive us both off a cliff and heading towards such an area;
- Threatening to throw you from the car whilst it is moving;
- Circular conversations;
- Lengthy monologues about ourselves which have you bored to tears.
The effect of this behaviour will vary in intensity. Sometimes it is purely to frustrate you because we have not gone to the place that was promised. On other occasions it is to allow us to talk at you and question you so you are made to feel bored or uncomfortable. Then again, the nastiness and intimidation is increased whereby the intention is to terrify you and have you scared witless.
Having behaved in this manner and left you terrified, shaking and scared, we may well purposefully drive into an area where the traffic is slower and there are other cars around to test you to see if you try to escape us or attract attention from somebody else. We will be waiting for you to test our control and if you do, there will be further repercussions.
Repeated applications of this behaviour will eventually condition you to the point that you dread being told that
“We are going for a drive.”
Since you have come to know only too well that it is far more than just going for a drive. It is placing you in a cell right next to us, a cell from which you are unable to move or escape and thus we can apply our twisted machinations against you all in the name of fuel and further control.
You are trapped and it is to drive you insane.
54 thoughts on “Trapped :The Car”
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HG, why do you use the word “we” instead of “I” for yourself in the article above?
Hello TKP, I use “we” when I am talking in the collective sense of how we as narcissists behave. I use “I” when it is particular to my experience. e.g. if I am writing about a session with the good doctors or about something from my childhood
You said a narcissist would not get sufficient fuel from someone without emotion or fuel supplies. In this case, I’m perplexed as to why my mid/range-greater mother spent so much time with my father battling for power when he is a psychopath.
She wouldn’t have had anything from him so what was the point of her games on him?
I also do believe narcissists are born. Perhaps the reason this is overlooked is they are blind to authority discernement because of their underlying commitment to power hierarchies and so when told they’ve been traumatised they believe it. They don’t care enough to question it.
But she may well have done AVS, see the When Narcissists Collide articles (more of which is to come).
That is an interesting point in your second paragraph. Are you suggesting therefore that we are born as we are and that the trauma suffered is imagined and we latch on to the concept of having suffered trauma as a way to deflect from what we truly are through genetics? Have I understood your point correctly?
Thanks HG,
I did read the articles and this is why I posed the question. It said the above, that eventually the relationship would end because of the pieces missing.
However my parents have been together more than 40 years.
Yes I’m suggesting the idea is taken as fact because why wouldn’t you? It invites pity and fits the victim mentality.
Well, there are always exceptions to every situation or there may be external influences you might not be aware which allows them to gain fuel elsewhere so their union continues.
africanvioletsite:
What do you mean by
“their underlying commitment to power hierarchies”??
HG: is that so?
My personal opinion is that it is often overlooked that the baby could have been traumatized while in the womb. Or around birth. Thus effecting the neuronal pathways tremendously through trauma.
Unless HG, they are both stupid. Or have a mutant morsel of emotion they switch on and off.
I mean ava101 that in my family there was an outward rebellion but secret fear of authority and a rigid belief in hierarchy. For instance if someone had embroiled themselves in an issue and authorities became involved it was a big blow (now I understand to the facade). If I wasn’t believed by a family member on an issue and presented support from authority then suddenly it was accepted as fact. They lacked the ability to know themselves or believe themselves.
And in regards to hearing they’ve had childhood abuse, my observations tell me they lack a care factor to challenge right and wrong (truth) and accept plausibility because simply in your schemes it doesn’t matter what happened to you as a child. It’s like someone telling you it was bad weather on a Thursday five years ago.
I’d suggest most narcissists have indeed been abused by the gene-carrier parent. It upsets them because they didn’t get the recognition and good treatment they feel entitled to. But it doesn’t upset them in the way it upsets us. Now my memories flood back, I am sure of seeing many babies and toddlers with it.
I’m saying this because I believe science should be devoted to finding the gene rather than healing trauma. I don’t believe narcissists understand trauma or pain, but feel insecurity. I am reflecting now at all the times I had to explain stuff to all of them as we grew up. They were always shocked at me. What I noticed, and either looked disgusted or fearful at what I’d see.
But, when that is done, we have a gene, can we inject hormones to replace or stimulate neuro-connective tissue? That’s a big ask,
Btw nice croc tears from the Obamas just now.
AVS , lol on ‘croc tears from the obamas.’ Obama dropped 26,000 bombs in 2016 😖
Yes! Exactly! I did not know this was an actual narc thing.
you all are so cruel. there us seriously something wrong w u.
i hate feeling trapped.
i Hate the irony of me being where i am…..
Oh my, this is a bit triggering. Mine would frequently do these things. He really liked driving crazy while yelling at me. After a while, I knew he was going too fast for me to jump out, and I couldn’t convince him to calm down or let me out.. I’d simply shut down on him. I’d ignore his yelling and driving and become unresponsive. Internally I would accept that if I died in a horrible accident, that’s how it would end. He would keep on for a little while but eventually stop after that.
Whether it was giving up due to my ceasing fuel or if he realized he actually won because that was essentially learned helplessness applied, I don’t know. What do you think, HG? I believe he was lesser. Maybe upper range because he was book smart but very brutish. 🚗⛽🍒
Hello Cherrylin, he stopped because you were no longer reacting and giving him fuel.
After devaluation, he would future fake often about meeting. Many times, at the last minute, he would either not show up or cancel. I did not know he was a narc then. I would start shaking because i am borderline and i cannot tolerate abandonment. So i told him that i will drive to his place next time. However, he has roomates, so we would have to meet in the car. I would put my head on his shoulder. Then we would kiss. Then he would lift his shirt and place my hands on his well sculpted abs. Then kiss again… in the car. Basically, he used to give me respite in the car. Thank god my windows are darkly tinted.
So what happens when slowly and quietly I take away all ropes and knots and you suddenly realize you have no power or control over me anymore?… you were so busy finding and keeping other fuel sources you let go a little of your primary source… just enough for the source to realize and learn bits and pieces… oooops?…
Hello Ana, if you take away all the ropes and knots then you are suggesting you have escaped. That means an Initial Grand Hoover to suck you back in.
Geez! I think I missed a bullet with this one. We never went anywhere in his car (I had my own too), if we didnt have to. Never went for a drive just for something ‘nice’ to do. On the RARE occasion we went somewhere and he wasnt familiar with where he was going, out came the GPS. Hmmmm…..he couldnt take instructions from that and of course it was the GPS’s fault, but it did give me great pleasure seeing him embarrassed and unable to do something. Cheers GPS!! Thank God he’s not good with technology. Im sure its saved me a world of pain. Thanks HG.
I never let him drive my car. It drove him nuts, no pun intended. No control over the unxontrollable. That said, when things were bad, he tried much of the same. When I becsme bored, I just laughed. One night, I took him through Detroit…in my car. Give me a ring if you want a tour.
Do the people you are with (IPs) allow you to drive their cars, HG?
I usually drive mine. It is the better vehicle.
Better is subjective.
Hg are you concerned if someone has a heart attack or dies as a result of your behaviour?
Only in the sense of the loss of an appliance that provided me with fuel.
This is completely criminal, wrong, devastating and insane. I pray one day society has a solution for stopping you. Until then I don’t think I want to read this any more, or know any more. I’d rather not have any link to disgusting behaviour that is conscious and planned.
What is the typical time frame that a Narcissist starts to devalue?
It depends on which category of appliance you are referring to Sues. I shall assume you mean an intimate partner primary source as this is the most common. If we make the wrong selection for primary source it can happen in weeks. If we choose an excellent primary source it can be well over a year before devaluation starts. More typically I would suggest between 6-18 months.
Thank you …
I have a couple of more questions if that cool with you…
Can a Lesser and a Midrange ever become a great wth more experience and maturity over time?
Also, are there different levels of empathy based on each type or are they all at zero?
Thanks!
Hello Sues,
No they do not develop. One is a lesser, mid-range or greater and that position is set.
There is a cognitive empathy with the upper echelon mid ranger and the greater, but no felt empathy or emotional contagion.
Is it possible for someone to be a narcissist and not physically or verbally abuse you but only lie and cheat ?
Yes it is Starr.
I may be one of the only narcissists who doesn’t drive. My thing is, “you WILL drive me around…you’ll pick me up, take me places I wanna go, I’ll smoke in the car & tell you when we stop for coffee. You can speed up when I take a drink but you WILL be punished (and/or punched) for such behavior. Yes I’ll be buckled in beside you, and not even god can help you if you annoy me.
I always enjoy your perspective Cara!
That is the way my ex husband was as well. He is too privileged to drive himself. He even prefers to ride in others cars. His behavior in the car was always manipulative and obnoxious, but at least I was in control of the car. After reading this article I realize how fortunate I was….
Would you call your kind of relationships an obsession?
Yes.
By obsessed, would you say they occupy most of your time, thoughts and energy? And if so, how are you able to be obsessed with more then one victim simultaneously?
The obsession is during the seduction or if you have escape when we are trying to hoover you back in.
The ex got me pregnant, but I didn’t know until post-escape when I had a miscarriage. When I told him 2 months later when we saw each other at a restaurant, he (at first) acted shocked & then said “come here..” and hugged me, saying “it’s okay”.. Then kissed my forehead. In his next breath, he looked down at me & his voice changed.. He blamed me for doing mixed martial arts as the” reason “for the miscarriage. How nice. (I didn’t know I was even pregnant until I bled out.)
Also, he once used my car as a trap as you described. We were stuck in traffic & arguing. I’m aware of my sociopathic rage, so I was ignoring him & mentally checked out of the argument.. But he kept yelling, threatening, going ballistic. I quickly turned my eyes at him and snarled “Careful.” at him. My demon was fighting & clawing it’s way out of me & I could barely contain it. I was losing the battle within. He asked why he had to be careful, I told him my demon wants to play with him. He encouraged it by saying “My demon is bigger & badder than yours, so bring it on! Let’s fucking play! ”
How we both made it home in one piece that day, I will never know. Gotta love those traps.
I was wondering if you had a daughter and a man done all these things to her how would you feel?
I would use the situation to my advantage, Debbie for the purposes of gaining fuel.
Would u help her leave or not?
Leave who Debbie?
Debbie, narcs use their children as appliances too. They do not have empathy or compassion for them either. What Mr. Tudor is saying is he would not feel protective of his hypothetical daughter. Should she be with a narc, Mr. Tudor would utilize the situation to best serve him. So if saving her got him extra fuel, then he’d do something. But If the amount of fuel was minimal, he would do nothing.
Absolutely, spot on.
Oh yes, I remember ‘the drive’ … ‘you’ manufacturing a fight and cutting short our weekend away, me being told ‘I am taking you home’ and then you taking a sudden turn off the highway to dump me off alone w my luggage at a commuter train station on a deserted Saturday night (ie when there was infrequent train service) … I felt confused, scared and protective of my safety … that was the only time I faked my tears and pleaded to not be dumped off so I wouldn’t be stuck in the middle of nowhere and adding two more hours to get home with luggage — I could see ‘you’ calculating the pros and cons of my request — the risks of you looking like a bad guy if anyone found out you had dumped me off after a weekend out of town or worse, if something happened to me … but you loved the fuel, the control … then you drove me home. It was all in your control!!
HG…I hate when he asked me to come with him…The anxiety I felt Is coming crawling now …. His anger … his words. The threats on running us to death …I never know If we come back alive..I wish I could say no to him….I was trapped In his car and he loved It..They loud music..Oh mu ears hurted..How he smashed his hands on the window..He screamed..Drove In the middle of the road…I must have got an angel somewhere that insist to keep me alive..Now I would never get In the same car as his..He have to drag me…Ohhh this post make me sick..So sick….😢
Hello HG, you made me cry and laugh with this article.
My relationship started in her car and ended in her car. I spent hours upon hours in her car and in many parking lots. She talked about how she loved to drive anywhere and everywhere because it relaxed her brain and stopped the racing thoughts.
What she was really doing was consuming all of my time and as you pointed out all my emotions.
I joked a lot about how much time we spent in her car. I had no idea it was on purpose just like everything else.
In her car is where she kept me for five hours trying to convince her not to commit suicide.
In her car is where she gave me gifts
In her car is where I cried many times telling her that we met for a reason
In her car is where she had me begging her not to leave me
In her car is where she would get depressed.
In her car she would get migraines and I would rub her neck.
In her car is where all my morals went out the window
In her car is where I said goodbye to her.
EVERYTHING happened in her car. Crying, laughing, speeding, sex, loud music.
Brilliant article HG. You always have so much to write about. I continue to see how she manipulated every part of our relationship. I don’t know how I didn’t see any of it.
You continue to put the puzzle pieces together for me.
Thanks for continuing to write.
Thank you SW and thanks also for sharing your perspective. It seems that the Situational Trap was also used for the purpose of seduction as well, though that will have been because you were conducting an affair, yes?
Yes. That makes sense. Even though I didn’t know she was seducing me she did use it for that purpose. I wish I would have seen it before it was too late. All those times in the car in the first year I still thought I was helping her and making a difference.
Two different perspectives.
that is so sad SW… I am so sorry to hear that…. xxxxxxx
Thanks Disintegrated,
I appreciate all the hugs!!! ❤️
It’s amazing all I have learned here.
Obviously amazing piece of Your writing again and again… You never stop surprising !
I liked the real car story written by You..which btw exactly made me shiver …when I hear question like :”You are coming with me, aren’t You?” in the past that meant: Me looking down, getting dressed and getting ready for a drive… plus many times I’ve been threatened that he was going to leave in the Middle of nowhere if I don’t obey. So I always had to obey…