The Narcissistic Truths – No. 93
49 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 93”
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My Narc discarded me and the children after 17 years. He had been seeing someone else since April and I put him out of the house in October. He has organized a smear campaign against me and tried to turn our children against me. He has changed his number and blocked me and does not contact the kids and has not seen them or invited them to his new home. I have been suicidal and our son has also due to his dad rejection. Is this the final discard? He has not any attempts to contact us.
Hello HB, there is no such thing as the final discard. Hard as it may be use this hiatus to establish no contact, focus on your children and make a head start on your recovery. He will come hoovering in due course. He does not care for his children.
22 1/2 years with, 18 of them married to, a complete Narc Slimeball – I have felt the same damn way, many times. We aren’t divorced (yet) but I have both escaped & been discarded for over a year. I too feel that my purpose is gone, and along with it, my motivation. But my rationale is to end the constant, overwhelming pain and sadness. My relationship with my husband was wonderful, i thought, for many years. I was happy and we were successful and I bragged about him constantly. The occasional odd behavior was easy to dismiss for many years, as he was loving and supportive, and we genuinely had a lot of fun together. The last 9 or 10 years have not been unpleasant (except for the last 2) but have required an increasing amount of patience and walking-on-eggshells on my part. We have a son together, 15 years old, a late-in-life joy of a child who is a star athlete and *was* an honor student. My Slimeball and I are both professionals, with our own unrelated practices, Slimeball’s career required that he spend considerable time out of town for 1-2 weeks at a time and I willingly curbed my own practice so that I could care for my son, drive him to and from school, practice, games and tournaments. I wanted this child very much, and had an excellent relationship with him, until last October, when Slimeball convinced him that to move in with him shortly after we separated. At that point, the brainwashing became heavy-duty, although I’m certain now that it acrually began many years ago, before I realized the kind of person Slime truly was, and before he showed me his true colors. He has not visited me once. It has been 14 months since my sweet boy has even been to “my” house – the house where he spent his entire life & where his/our pets still live. It has been 4 months since he spoke to me. He does not take my calls or return either them or texts; on his birthday I had to leave him a voice message. He has been told that I am crazy, and that this makes me abusive, and now apparently he believes this BS. In the past when I asked him what would make him think that way, he was unable to come up with anything other than ‘you are always on me to go turn my light off in my room’ or ‘I always have to pick my clothes up off the floor.’ Admittedly, he is right: the role of disciplinarian fell to me by default – Slimeball preferred to be a “buddy.” I never punished him, though, I do not recall a single instance where it was necessary, other than requiring him to apologize to one of his older siblings. (9 and 12 years older, and long moved away to pursue their own lives.) Slimeball refuses to include me in any part of my son’s life, the only time I can see my son is at sport events in which he is playing, and at school (I sometimes will appear unannounced with a platter of cookies or brownies for him to share with his friends.). And I will tell you, this fffed up situation is KILLING ME.
It is killing me, because Slime’s position is “he doesn’t like you. I can’t make him visit/talk to you” – which is BS, HE has created this alienation 100%, for the primary purpose of hurting me. In his sick twisted mind, he actually thinks this makes him look good, he doesn’t remember the years that I was the devoted parent, while he was away doing whatever it was that he did. His desire to hurt me is punishment-motivated, I believe, because I actually had the nerve to expose his long-term affair with a woman whose husband was my colleague, a woman who he encouraged me to befriend, a woman who had a daughter 2 1/2 months younger than our son- for whom I bought Christmas & birthday gifts year after year, a woman who I had over to our house countless times….. And yes, the daughter is (dna proven) my husband’s child. Their relationship ended over 10 years ago, but I have seen evidence that he has trolled Craigslist for the various towns he worked in and he belongs to dating sites. I have no doubt that he had girlfriends where he worked. He was, in his prime, breathtakingly handsome, but now that he is 64 he is mostly bald, his face is worn and haggard, and women no longer look at him like they once did. I am 15 years younger, strangers have always assumed I am his daughter instead of his wife. I am cute, with a great body still (i have to work at it now) and men still notice me, which used to make him insanely jealous even though I completely loyal and devoted to him, never once gave him any reason to question my faithfulness.
I was a great partner, smart, hard-working, well-educated, fun, attractive, responsible and loyal. But none of that mattered. Only HE mattered. Blech!
Elisa I have read what you wrote. Fight for your life… He doesn’t care and never will. Find the strenght to go on. Its in there. I wasn’t with my n for 17 yrs but I was abused badly. Wailing outside the constant crying and the alcohol abuse. He’s not worth it. Get help. My thoughts and prayers are with you. God bless
Elisa, wanting to take my own life was the lowest I have ever been!! Please listen to everyone here on the blog! It does get better! It won’t happen over night. It takes longer for some then it does others but I promise staying right here with HG and everyone else on the blog is the best pace you could be! Hang on sweetie! As hard as it might be hang on! Use the information Indy posted! You are not alone!!! Read HGs books, if your not sure which one to start with just ask him! He will get you through this!! Bless you! Xx
Elisa
I am so sorry for what you are going through, and understand why you would want to do this.
You are precious!
Please Don’t chose to take your life, work through this. It isn’t easy but in the end you will see a strength you never knew you possessed and life will be exciting.
Here you will find others going through the same thing and understand.
Please if you need more help and need to talk, Indy provided wonderful information as a starting point on this. And she is right you win by living.
May peace be with you
I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’ve been reading all your posts, HG, and have come to the realization that N’s are like herpes or tuberculosis. Once you get infected you can never get rid of it. It lays dormant and the rears its ugly head at any given time. There is no way to ever rid yourself, once you have become infected it is there for life. It is the gift that keeps on giving, and not in a good way. All of us have been infected. Cest la vie’
When the time is right to show just how bright you shine, one will wish many many things were different.
no need for that baby! You can’t shine any stronger than You already are! Redirect that hate towards those who so significantly harmed You…. let us help You xxx
Hypnotized, I can hardly help myself. I don’t know how I would be of help to Mr. Tudor.
Well it has been close to four months since my escape. My world is working well and I happier than I have been in a while. Forgiveness is a long ways away at this point. But it will come. Not for them but for me, I cherish my life and those whom.are closest to me. No contact and it will remain that way. For those of you reading this get out. Your broken heart will mend although you won’t be the same you will be stronger and wiser. Read what HG has written and pay close attention. Its a game to the N. You won’t win but you don’t have to. Let them destroy themselves. The best vengence is a happy life. We all deserve that
I too, was suicidal. My broken heart is slowly mending now, but i do not feel stronger. I feel weaker😞
Since my narc cannot love me back, i am starting to feel that romantic love in general is only an illusion.
I’ve been to different therapists, and none of them pointed out that i may be involved with a narcissist. The therapy didn’t help me at all. I wish more therapists specialized in personality disorders, but they tend to steer away from them because they’re difficult to treat. I hope everybody here has luck in finding a good therapist.
My mental health improved only after my own research, discovering he’s a narc, and due to this blog and HG’s books.
Thank you HG. I find comfort here 💗
You are welcome PANA.
Totally agree with you Ptsd . I’ve also seen several therapists & yet it was up to me to point out what I was involved with .
How can they possibly help anyone heal from narcissistic abuse if they have no idea what it is ? I found out recently that the UK police receive less than two hours training about domestic abuse let alone abuse by a narc .
And yes this blogs been my lifesaver too I’ve made more progress from it than from any psychologist/therapist .. I’m glad you found it too x
Agreed, all of us therapists should read HG’s work. And police and family court systems need more intensive training in this too. It is a tragedy.
Since u know abt narcissism indy, i would love to have you as a therapist! 😊
(I remember reading that you’re a therapist)
Hi PTSDANA,
Thank you for your high compliment 🙂 I currently work with adolescents that are at risk of developing a personality disorder or substance abuse due to multiple factors. I do DBT. I hope it helps some of these kiddos to feel safe, to be able to develop a strong sense of self and self love. They inspire me every time. I also work with young kids (not as a therapist though) with developmental disorders such as autism. They teach me to continuously look at the world from a new perspective. I get to play with play dough and bubbles on the daily. I am a lucky woman 🙂
That’s amazing work you do indy! You feel lucky, but i am sure your clients feel lucky too! Thank you for helping the adolescents and children. 🌹
I’m very lucky and privileged to get to do work that I love and gives me purpose. ❤️
Absolutely Indy,
It never ceases to amaze me how little they understand . The only advantage being is that narcs continuously use the lack of knowledge to their advantage as HGs mentioned .
I was on holiday recently and met a woman who was in an abusive relationship, she was a councilor & had no idea she was dealing with a narc until after the 16 year relationship ended!
Hi Not So Sad,
Wow, 16 years. That is a long time to endure such abuse. And she was a counselor, I wonder if she made it through those years by acting in a slightly removed clinical manner with him to save herself (which would deplete the strongest souls) or if she had a therapist that helped her…my my…
How was your sunny warm trip 🙂 Welcome back to snow and winter and such 🙂
It was fantastic thanks Indy . Thank you
.
I was 15 years as you already know . I think she was as blinded to narcissistic abuse until she understood it .
But she was the 1st person ever to say to me ” was he a narcissist ” ?
I’ve been involved with the police, victim support, women refuge, you name it I did it .
It’s my BD today yet I choose to be alone . I just can’t think of going out getting hurt again x
Happy Birthday, Not So Sad!!!!! Capricon or Sagitarian? You are on the cusp!! I am a cappy myself.
Mmmmm 15 years….just hearing it, so long to endure. Virtual hugs.
I could not continue my recent ex relationship with a narcissist for more than the nearly 2 years we had. I guess that is improving for me as my first relationship with one was 5 years, second relationship with one that I think was more traits of a personality disorder(BPD and NPD traits mixed), though not fully narcissistic was 8 years (6 married). I left all three. So, 2 years means I am getting less tolerant perhaps?
Spraying myself with some repellant. I am alone too this holiday. 5 months free and feeling so much better! How long for you so far? I am so glad you had a great vacation!!
Indy
Aw thank you Indie .
I’m nearly 2 years free. Now I feel compelled to help anyone in the same situation as we both were . That’ll be the empath in us both .
Indy If I can you can too x
Happy bday NSS! If i’m too late, then happy belated! Try not to think of narc abuse on your bday and b happy today!
Thank you Ptsd xx
Christmas & my birthday are pretty rough for me for so many reasons .
Narc did his best to make it such an unhappy time & succeeded .
I can’t wait until it’s all over . I know I’m a miserable so & so .. Sorreee
NSS I am so sorry, and understand. I do hope you make happier memories this year and you have or had a Happy Birthday.
Thank you Darkness x so much x
It’s difficult to imagine that I can shine like a I feel nothing at all until this time of year . It’s not because I still have feelings for him at all .
Its just that this time of year is /was a complete nac fest for him .
It’s just a glitch though . xx
I do understand. I do hope you have a Merry Christmas and remember your stronger then ever and shine brightly.
Thank you DFA.. xx You too x
Thank you DFA.. xx You too x
Thanks NSS.
Two years is awesome by the way, you get stronger every day even when it feels like you are not.
I hope you had a relaxing birthday. NSS and that a happier tradition begins.
Thank Jaded 🙂 you too x
Aww, I know it’s a difficult time of year. Take care.
I’m missing my narc like crazy. I haven’t seen him in months because he moved. We are in contact though.
Thanks Ptsd,
You too. Needless to say no Contact is the way forward for you when you feel ready . 🙂
Two years for me ! I love it x
You’re welcome. Two years! Wow! 👏👏👏😊
I’m glad you’re finding help here Not So Sad. And i’m really glad you’re not so sad😀
Thanks Ptsd . 🙂
I’m not posting in response to anything but I do have a question.
After fooling me and me not ever doubting one thing he said or move he made for 17 years,
Would me spraying my brains all over the 1940’s hardwood floor in the kitchen, I thought was an answered prayer from God, in the house he “let me choose and bought for me,” that I no longer live in because he discarded me 7 months after we moved in,
HAVE ANY EFFECT ON HIM?
Would he still call me crazy and paranoid THEN?
Would his family that chose to believe all his horrendous and ridiculous lies and alienate me from the family think twice about the mental illnesses I had just being for attention? Or that I was just a drama queen?
Would anyone think that maybe I needed some FUCKN HELP and that’s why I kept asking?
I don’t know what to do, he has ruined me and my life.
Hello EJ, if you took your own life because of him, it would have no effect on him. He has discarded you and may well be fixated with a new primary source. If he is not and has been hoovering you, he would only lament the loss of an appliance of fuel. He probably would still smear you after your death. His family would most likely still believe the lies because of what has been said about you.
They are not the people you should concern yourself with or turn to help for. Look elsewhere, away from his toxic influence for the help you need.
Elisa,
Please do not do it, sweetie.
I know I am not you, and you do not know me. I do know that feeling. You win by living. If you are in need of immediate help in the US:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday
If you are in the UK:
http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/united-kingdom-suicide-hotlines.html
Please hold on. This is the toughest part, but I promise you, the sun comes out again eventually.
Hugsss
Indy
You can do this. I was in the same boat as you, thinking that my life had no purpose. Fortunately, my friends and family know me and kept close tabs on me to make sure I wasn’t sucking on any bullets. Ending your life is never the answer. I seriously had to turn my life over to God. I am fortunate that I live in Houston, so I started going to Lakewood Church, Joel Osteen. I know you weren’t married, but if you can find a group called DivorceCare which is faith based – join it. It was one of my saving graces. If you can watch Joel Osteen’s sermons online or tv, do it. I now realize God’s love is the only love I really need. The first couple of months were hell, and I still have days of sadness, but they are far and few between. Please let me preface, the sadness, is based on the illusion I was in love with. I know one day I will find someone who will provide the same illusion; however, this time it won’t be an illusion. Yes, I am still in love with my ex and that is ok. I would never act on my love even if he came back into my life. I value myself too much. I am getting healthy, the road getting here sucks. Go to your doctor and get a prescription for lorazapam to help you through the crying spells. I got to a point where I just sad on the couch and cried, cried cried. I just let it come, I quit fighting it. Each time I felt better and better. Here is a funny story, my son came and stayed with me for a week, I was such a basket case he didn’t know what to do, so he offered to smoke pot with me. I will tell you, it was hilarious, I laughed and we came up with a tv show based on my ex, even funnier he recorded us laughing and having a good time. Of course I cried later than evening, but I look back on that video we made and it cracks me up everytime.
Hiding, i’m so glad you’re stronger now! (I want to be strong one day.).
You smoking pot with your son😂😂😂
Elisa, you are amongst friends here. Please take care of you. What would ending the life of a beautiful person prove?
HG is totally right about this. I remember how shocked I was when my ex-husband told me he thought everyone who committed suicide was just totally selfish! That’s how they view it. Neither he nor his family will feel any blame or have any empathy or sympathy for you. Find a good therapist, build relationships with non-narc friends and find a cause or special work to fill your time. And especially stay on this site. Keep reading all the posts and comments. It’s truly amazing how many of your questions will be answered but also it is very supportive and therapeutic. You have much to offer the world. It may seem that he has ruined your life, but now you have a chance to take control and make your life into what YOU want it to be.
I hope you choose not to kill yourself, Elisa. You have support here, plus as HG said, your narcissist will only care about the loss of your fuel. Peace.
Hello Eliza .
I really hope you’re okay .
Narcs want to think they’ve ruined our lives & yes to the extent that we will always be in someway damaged by the way they tried to destroy us but I can promise you hand on heart that there is a happy future for you.
I too thought that ending it all was in a way of saying ” look what you’ve done to me ” but as HG says he wouldn’t care .
You know I used to read on forums about people moving on with their lives after abuse & in someway thought mine was different , it was NEVER going to happen but it has & it will for you too .
I was told that we grieve the loss of our relationship & it’s true .
Don’t let him take away your future . He’s not worth it .
((( hugs))
Not So Sad xx