Lies
You breathe. I lie. Both come to us naturally. To you, an empathic and caring person who is imbued with the traits of decency, honesty and integrity the act of lying is anathema to you. Even the use of a little white lie as it spills from your lips has you feeling uneasy. You conduct yourself in a way that involves avoiding lying and you would rather stay silent than let an untruth escape your mouth. Not only will you not lie,you detest being lied to. The lie shatters trust. Trust is a fundamental ingredient,in your world, to any relationship, whether it is between spouses, colleagues, parent and child or service provider. Without trust nothing would be achieved and the world would be a darker place. Breaching that trust is a terrible act and where your trust has been broken by the issuing of a lie then you react with horror, anger, upset and dismay. I can think of no better device for drawing an emotional reaction from your kind than the issuing of a lie. Those three letters create a small word but one which has all manner of repercussions. From the lies that accompany infidelity which strikes at the core of the relationship, to the lies told by those in power to remain a demagogue and achieve political expediency, the effect of not telling the truth is substantial and enormous. Lying results in damage. Lie to your friends and you lose their respect, lie in a court and you commit perjury, lie about your circumstances and you commit fraud,lie to your children and you begin to warp their world, lie to your other half and you destroy a part of them. A small word which packs a thermonuclear punch. So easy to say, so simple to use and the effects can be devastating. No wonder my kind and me relish its use. Economical and effective, no other tool comes close to the power of telling lies and this is why we use them repeatedly,often and extensively.
The advantage of their use is by telling you a Long Involved Explanation we lead you up the garden path and around the houses causing you to become confused and bewildered. The advantage to us is that the terrible truth of what we do becomes Lost In Explaining what we have done by use of our convoluted and twisted diatribes. We tell untruths from the moment that we seduce you as we detail to you our Lovely Ideas Embellished with falsehood about how we will achieve a promotion in under six months, climb Mount Everest and interior design our new impressive home. The fact is that we are fantasists who exaggerate our achievements and our plans so that the Lucid Ideas Expand beyond reality. The use of lies assists us in evading the finger of blame. You will try and catch us our but there is never a Lapse In Exposition as we weave an ever more complex web in which we wish to ensnare you, leaving us untarnished. You look on in astonishment as Laughing I’m Escaping accountability yet again. No matter what I have done, no matter how heinous the activity I will allow untruths to spill from my lips with consummate ease so that I remain in control, superior and blame-free. Often it will be a short and bare-faced lie, designed to have you speechless with incredulity as I walk away Laughing Inside Energetically at your shocked face. On other occasions, I will engage in the shaggy dog story, going round and round, adding more and more to the tale so that I Lovingly Insinuate Eventually that you are the one to blame and this makes you react all the more. How can we have the audacity to say such things and turn the blame onto you? Look It’s Easy, we have no sense of remorse or guilt for the things that we say. You are burdened with a conscience and a moral compass that causes you to steer a path so you always stick to the road of truth. We have no such compass. We do not have a conscience and this allows us to weave and twist, taking our explanations into the realms of the fantastic. Whether we are boasting and bragging about what we are or seeking to escape culpability we will lie incessantly. You will plead with me to tell the truth. You will promise that there will be no upshot, no comeback and no consequence you just, for once want to hear us speak the truth. You know the truth but you want me to tell you, so you can hear it for once. Like I’m Ever going to do that. Why should I give you something that you want? Why should I cede control to you ? Most of all, why should I give up the opportunity of gathering fuel from you? This is why we lie extensively, even when the truth might actually serve us better (better when judged from your viewpoint of course – not ours) we will gain fuel. Our twisted lies always cause you to react and provide us with fuel. If a situation is Lacking In Emotion we know that all it takes is for us to tell you a lie, the bolder the better, the more brazen and ridiculous it is the greater your reaction will be because you hate lies and you hate being lied to. As you stand before me frustrated and upset, I am Laughing I’m Escaping yet again any responsibility for my actions. I will smother you in untruths, layer lie upon lie, Literally It’s Engulfing you in falsehood so that you no longer even recognise the truth, such is the level of distortion. We lie to everyone. The man in the corner shop about how many goals we scored at football, lies at work to cover our backs and to plunge knives into the backs of others. Lies to a friend about how much we like him just to keep the Little Idiot Entertained. Repeatedly we will lie to you to ensure you remain Locked In Entanglement with us and cannot escape. We use lies to express our false sorrow, our faux remorse and our promises to change just so you will not Leave In Earnest. We show-off with lies in a crowd to bring the spotlight back on to us as we talk over other people because we Like Interrupting Everyone. The lie is a Limitless Invigorating Example of what we really are. A fraudster, a charlatan, a con-man and a pathological liar. We know no other way and we have no desire to embrace any other way. I will always lie, I am Loving It Everyday because it furthers my schemes, underpins my ambitions, avoids accountability and brings me fuel again and again.
I am always telling lies.
And that’s the only truth.
48 thoughts on “Lies”
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Crikey. The FIRST thing I noticed about the narc WAS these lies. Right from the start. I never understood it EVER!! He’d lie about what he had for breakfast! No s++t!! I wanted out, but it SEEMED rediculous to leave him because he told me some BS story about what time he knocked off work. Or how great that brand of butter was, when in actual fact he’d never tried it before!! Its the lies that still haunt me. I dont care that he never loved me. I got over that real quick. But the lies?… Na. Thats the ONE thing that would stop me going back. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks HG. All true and VERY acurate. L.
Lisa,
The lying is what I am having trouble getting my head round too and like you it haunts me every single day.
Even though I asked him to tell me the truth and be honest about the new source, he continued to lie – texting her while with me but saying he was texting his mate etc. I challenged him about the compliments and promises he made once a upon a time, saying it was all lies. His reply was it was true at the time. Bullshit is what I say.
I cannot fathom how he can behave like and continue to lie even when caught out?????
This is what has made me distance myself from him. No contact from me, but he’s probably happy with that as he is busy playing with his new toy.
O god I am going through this right now! Same answers about babies, marriage etc, thought that was what I wanted at the time was his reply , upon finding out about the gf and ending it! Lost a baby girl to him you would have thought I had just lost a jumper the attention he gave it! Devastating is the only word for these people to do this!
So sorry for what you’re going through Lorryanne.
They are emotionless, no conscience, or care, as to devastating consequences of their behaviour, actions/in-actions.
Pathological liars – they can’t help but lie even when it is obvious. do they think we are stupid????
My narc told me he resigned frm his job, counting down the days. Yet the following wk, he continued to present himself at work everyday. I said ‘i thought you resigned.’ He replied ‘that’s my goal.’🙆
My narc sold all of our Qualcomm stock behind my back and within 24 hours it would have been worth over a million instead of a few thousand when he sold it. He thought it was funny!!
I forgot to add that he built a pond with the few thousand. The family joke is that it’s a million dollar pond. He managed to take a million dollar deceitful move into a joke that everyone blows off like it was no big deal!!
Yikes!
Intuition is real… and knowledge. I’ve ignored so many red flags over the years, and i when I look back I just think how could I have? So dumb… but I just didn’t know, I trusted and believed with all my heart. But having had to deal with the ugly aftermath of my divorce my intuition never failed me, my eyes opened and now through this blog i’m learning, learning, learning and it feels so good… Finally I get my answers to all the lies and BS.
In reference to the lies….I saw through them as much as my heart would allow. My ex Narc thought I had a camera on him at one point cause I not only told him he was full of shit….I usually knew what he was really up to down to details. What H G refers to as Super Empath…..intuition tells you everything you need to know… you just have to learn to listen! But as a defense mechanism we only see what we want to see. We only see and process what we can handle. Narcs love that about us.
Intuition is real and im starting to rely on it more and more as well!
Becky and Adele….the most freeing thing you’ll do when it comes to your N’s is go no contact. Adele I see your compassion when you talk about a narcissists shame and its so beautiful that you already have the forgiveness part of the puzzle. Thats usually the last piece. With your empathy comes beautiful gifts that a Narc will never allow you to see. People need your gifts and compassion. The ones that are brave enough to face the shame and want to heal. My childhood was shitty. My parents were alcoholics. So much shame I had to work through. Love is the perogative of the brave. (Ghandi) No offence H G and Cara. I dig your honesty. No pun intended. I think its very brave of you.
So true joy. Shame is a hard one to work thru. I not only empathize with him but i relate bc i have my own shame issues. I get that feeling of wanting to escape and be someone else. That all aside, its more than that i have deep abandonment and codependant issues to work on. Walking away cold turkey im not sure i could do at this point. I love him as well and the whole thing is heartbreaking. My new years goal is to get back in therapy and move on with my life in a healthy direction
I will go no contact when all of our children are 18. I have to wait another 4 years😥. Until then he is actually trying to make it part of the court order that I talk to him!!
As I continue to learn The Narcissist is not the only one to lie to me because I have lied to myself. Which is worse? For me … I abandoned me so my lies to me were the worse. Yes there was manipulation yet I ignored everything I knew.
Me too, Janie.
Ditto, Janie.
Thank You.
And that’s the truth.
This was a Little bIt chEesy. 🧀
TP What was cheesy? Your grilled cheese sandwich?
The narcissist-sociopath lies to himself (lives within his created self-illusion), so uttering lies on a constant basis would be a way of life for the individual, a life style. Lies are his world; he doesn’t live in reality, anyway. The created illusion of the narcissist identity doesn’t make logical sense and is chaotic at best, and any interaction with others will be under the same chaotic and deceptive world of illusion with him at the center of attention — it’s his world, created in his mind. After all, lies are the fabric of his false self, the narcissist-sociopath. Any relationships with the individual will be entered into the confusion of this deep seated illusion.
Kat Huff Yes this is the reality. We all have our own reality. It is more about which one we choose to live in.
The mind can be tricky. My reality will be different from yours.
Do you think they lie on purpose or is it their reality.
So hard to comprehend the why and for the normal mind to understand.
Mental disease, mental disorders, we are years behind in research. It is finally getting to see the daylight it deserves.
They lie to others on purpose, of course. I think some are aware that they have lied to themselves and some are not aware self-aware, for instance: HG seems to be well aware that he projects himself onto his victims, etc. We all have our own slight various perceptions of reality, but what we are discussing is a mental disorder that behaves in a way that destroys other peoples lives as well, creates victims, victims of mental, physical and financial abuse, such as emotional torture perhaps to the point of breakdown, physical violence sometimes even to the point of life-long disability or death, rape, ruin of finances and reputation. So it more than, “My reality will be different from yours.” The illusion of the narcissist-sociopath is dangerous and in some cases fatal.
KAT, hence my statement.
Mental disease, mental disorders, we are years behind in research. It is finally getting to see the daylight it deserves.
My reality is there is no GOD, but yet people tell themselves everyday there is. Without proof, only what they have created in their mind. Is this not a lie?
I am of the mind of reason and science.
The lies are so indepth that looking back they are unbelievable but yet I did. I am not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But yet I believed everything that was told to me. Why? Because there was no one to tell me it was wrong. He lied about who he was. He lied about what he did. He lied about education. Past jobs. Other women. He lied to the courts. Where money was. He lied about a new shirt. His mouth would open and he would tell a lie. It has to be hard to keep those lies straight. He lied by omission. Once I discovered the lies all the trust was gone. I now look back over 20 yrs. and it is painfully obvious how many lies and indescretions there were over the years. I may not be stupid but I am dumb. Love blinds us to who people really are and the devastation has destroyed me, our 2 children, and my parents that have covered for him over the years. My mother was the one that knew. And he did everything to get her out of my life. I alienated friends and family because he asked me to. I was so love blind I did anything he wanted. I can see now how I was manipulated and it sickens me. I have no feelings anymore. For him, for her, for our 20 year marriage except for my 2 children that he has deserted and has no desire to see them for any reason but his benefit. He just wants to make him look like he is such a great dad. This lack of emotions is so hard to watch but I have gone no contact and it is so peaceful now. Thanks HG for opening my eyes to what was happening. I read your book on divorce after 3 years of a divorce that he filed I ended the ridiculousness and signed papers to default the divorce. Thank you thank you thank you. Now I can pick up the pieces and start over.
You are welcome jreck.
Yes, they do lie, and do so effortlessly and efficiently. But, I still do believe that M. Tudor is truthful in this arena due to his “Five Rules”.
Claudia! Didn’t you read the article?!
nooo, I did not read it. I will read it right now, Punisher…
I just thought he was a ‘different’ Sociopathic Narcissist, and wouldn’t lie to us. I am no longer spellbound by him. Poof. I, now, see the truth.
There are no lies in this forum. You receive the brutal truth each and every time. To suggest to the contrary is incorrect.
<3 M. HG <3 You are The Best! <3
Lies are the basis of their existence and become an artform. Their lives are a lie to escape the pain of deep shame. The worst are the ones that tell half truths bc you cant differentiate between lie and truth and it ends up as a form of gaslighting. Total crazy confusion. Ive stopped trying to tell truth from lie its too exhausting. They lie when there isnt even a need to lie from habit
Adele, I think that was the most freeing thing I did, was to stop trying to figure out the lies. It exhausting! I literally have so much more energy now that I am not worried about whether he is lying or not( I just assume he is lying). As empaths, it is one of the hardest things to do, but soooo worth it.
Becky…i feel the same way! I came to a point where i realized i couldnt keep obsessing over if he was telling the truth or not it was making me sick and draining me. Its either leave or stay and change my expectations. I stayed but ive had to let go of the illusion. Its been a process and from all ive learned will probably end at some pt. I hope in the end we can stay friends but theres no guarantees. Lies are a part of who he is. The illusion isnt just for us its for them too. Each supply source they become a different illusion to avoid who they really are someone that feels deep shame. Their lies and illusions are self medicating the past. They keep moving forward to avoid looking back. Its been a learning journey and ive had to change the way i think in relation to the narcissists in my life
As I came to realize, everything he said was a lie. The day after I met him his mother broke her hip. She was in the hospital and then rehab for several months. Who would I be to question that our limited physical time together was due to his ailing elderly mother? How very sweet and compassionate and, for all the ensueing time, so loyal and loving to her? Fast forward to calling him on his BS…which incidentally was never addressed by him…his mother fell and broke several ribs AND his father had heart problems. He was overwhelmed, went on a drinking binge, ran into a woman he dated 2 years ago for two months, slipped and had sex (apparently that happens…Hahaha). He just didn’t have the time or energy for a relationship. BUSTED! He could not and would not address what I caught him at. His 20 year marriage ended because he caught his wife cheating…really??? Lie upon lie upon lie. Why is it we can’t see any of this clearly until it is over? Until we are suffering the pain of loving someone who thought us as expendable… as dirt on his shoe? Poof…gone.
Because were emotionally invested theyre not
I know it’s crazy… 17 years for me…
Ollie Wow! But if I add up the years with the two husbands it becomes the same amount of time of 17 years.
I did not leave empty-handed but with a renewed strength. First one with my children and the second one with security. I see the issue they both had and the ones I have since I have read numerous books and this blog. Both times I had to go through what I did to be where I am now. I earned everything I am and have.
Nothing like the feeling of realization.
So take all the bad and find the good in it. It has opened your eyes, your mind. I feel this place, on this blog, will complete my self-discovery. I have been on a long journey for so many years. I have had to put myself aside with raising the kids. Now this job is complete, It is all about me.
I have learned much about myself from everything posted on here. I take what I need from all of you. This is not in a negative or selfish way.
I still do not know where I fit in HG’s descriptions, perhaps he has not written about it yet. I keep looking but for now, I am very pleased with who I am.
Thanks for letting me rant Mother F##kers. 😉
Ah Oh
The feeling of realization is absolute freedom, if we’re willing to look up and see the positive in all that’s happened in our lives. I commend you for feeling your freedom now! You’ve earned it!!! I know this because I, too, am exactly where you are. I’m 52 (okay maybe not in age?) and, for once in my life, I feel like I’m finally at a place (by myself) where it’s time for me to make it all about me. I’ve been through many battles with Narcs in my life, I’ve raised two well rounded kids (by the Grace of God), and I’ve experienced the greatest love affair ever with a Greater Narc, which almost destroyed me. I have been grounded, I’ve been wounded, I’ve been left bleeding and I’ve been left with my heart shredded to pieces and my soul hijacked. I have been on a long and harrowing journey too, but I won’t be alone anymore. Now I have the truth with me (thanks to HG and the many posted comments on this site), I can’t express enough how grateful I am to have found this site because it, too, will be a place to finally complete my self-discovery, right along with you.
Still Confused, I’d like to know the answer to your question too, “why is it we can’t see any of this clearly until it is over?”. I think that’s one of the biggest hurdles still, for me to get over. Since being discarded nearly 10 mos. ago (no hoovers), I still can’t figure out why (as intelligent as I consider myself to be) I didn’t pay more attention to all the red flag warnings that clearly flashed before my eyes. I had red flag warnings waving in front of me from the moment I meant him 10 years earlier, but still, I dismissed every single one of those flags. HG, I’d like to understand more about this too, if you could, please! I feel, as a Super Empath, not only do I have a great deal of emotions to give, but I’m also intelligent enough to know when I’m being f**ked with. So why would I not be intelligent enough to pay attention to all those red flags and run the other way? Why do I know everything you’re saying is truth now, but I didn’t realize the truth when it was being waived right in front of my eyes, for nearly 5 years? Thank you for your truth, for you have now made it mine for the rest of time! 🙂
BRAVEHEART
You ARE intelligent. You did see them but would not accept them and thats the difference. You were still receiving something from him that you needed so dismissed the warnings. I believe far from it that the Ns are so powerful and have you in their grip, but more that until you can give yourself what it is that they’re providing, you dismiss your intuition and accept their illusion. Once you no longer need what they provide (be it from revelation or separation) you see quite clearly what you have known all along. It was always there but you had to be ready to listen and accept.
I absolutely agree, NarcAngel. Thank you so much for your input. It always helps to see things from others perspectives. 🙂
Is it so shocking that I lie? I mean, really, has nobody else ever lied to you before…am I really the only person to be dishonest about where I was last night & whether or not I really love you?
I look at it this way. I say I went around the Mulberry bush, but do not say I picked the berries, or even if it had berries. But if I need to conceal the truth, I can without a doubt and I believe it to be the truth how it plays in my head and then comes out of my mouth.
But I do speak the truth most times, almost every time. I can twist it, and I can change it. Either way, it will become my truth.
I like the shock value of the truth. Do you like my haircut? No, I do not and if I were you I would get my money back.
“Why do you look so good and refreshed?” “I just climaxed twice before I arrived.” I watch their face as they wonder if it is the truth or not. LOL
And continue with the conversation going in another direction, all the while feeling pleased. Take this PLEASED any way you want.
I played Truth or Dare growing up. I enjoyed getting both.
I do not believe anything I read, and only half of what I hear and the remainder taken with a grain of salt.
This is my truth.
Oh I loved truth or dare as a kid. I’d tell these shocking “truths” no one believed (but they were actually factual answers to the questions) until nobody wanted to play with me anymore.
Oh I can imagine, Cara.