You Are The One That I Want
I will have told you that I only have eyes for you, that you are the one, that I am completely dedicated to you and that I only ever want to be with you. You make me say these things. It is your expectation of such faithfulness to you and you alone, indoctrinated into you by the world, that causes me to have to say these things. I need to fulfil your expectations in order to capture you and then keep you. It is a ridiculous state of affairs. Since when can a person be sustained on one thing alone? It is impossible. At its most basic, you are given only water to drink and nothing to eat. You will starve. Then if you are given just bread to eat your body will be malnourished as it is not getting the nutrients it needs from fruit, vegetables, meat and so on. One food stuff alone is not sufficient. Take your job. If you had to do the same thing over and over again, the absolute same task you will go out of your mind with boredom. Either that or you would lose your job to mechanisation. One thing is not enough.
Have you only ever had one relationship? Unlikely. How else would you know whether this is right if you have nothing to compare it against? Can one man win a football match? Of course not. He needs his team mates. Where does your stimulation come from? Are you confined to reading just one book repeatedly? No. One film seen countless times? No, you like and prefer a variety of silver-screened entertainment. Do you have just one person you interact with on a social level? Again the answer is no. You draw your social nourishment from different friends, family members, acquaintances and so forth. One is not enough.
I am no different. The thing that sustains me is fuel. I must draw this from several sources. Yet, my necessary actions in acquiring this fuel subject me to moral indignation and disapproval. How is that fair? I do not tell you that you must only eat one kind of breakfast cereal for the rest of your life, why should I be expected to gather my fuel from just one appliance? I need the variety. Not only is this necessary to ensure that I have fuel on tap at all times, it is necessary to provide the catalyst for the provision of fuel from my primary appliance. If I have nothing by which I can provoke a reaction from you, your free-flowing fuel will soon dry up.
The result is that you and I are never alone. There is no singularity despite all of my words asserting that this is the case. When I first ensnare you there will be another who is being subjected to my vitriol. You are most likely warned of this psychotic ex. What I am less likely to tell you about is my ongoing campaign of denigration in order to harvest further fuel from this harlot who has let me down. I may even be faithful at first. Yes faithful by your understanding of the concept, namely that I will not physically consort with another. I am not faithful however in just being solely committed to you. I will be reaching out to others in order to bring them into my sphere of influence, most likely whispering the very same things that I have said to you. My lips may not lock with these new opportunities but that is more by accident than design. I have certainly locked with them in order to draw fuel from them. As I walk through the day those invisible fuel lines reach out and attach to most who I interact with.I am sure, judged by your standards, you would not be overly concerned about the methods by which I draw fuel from some. In other instances you would be most concerned. Yet, you must understand that I am only doing what everyone does. I am seeking variety. In your instance you do it because you prefer it that way. It is interesting. Maintaining a variance keeps things fresh and stimulating. In my case I have to do it. There may not yet be any lipstick on my collar but there are scores of fuel lines attached and in ways that you are always going to find distasteful. That is of course if you ever find out.
34 thoughts on “You Are The One That I Want”
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Yeah, our trust is definitely destroyed after being mentally abused and lied to incessantly. Our ability to feel truly safe, gone. These are a high price to pay to dance the “exciting” dance with the devil. Not only do you lose trust in other, you lose trust in self from all that gas lighting. I had my life threatened by a lesser (my first relationship, 5 years long), and I was scared as hell, had PTSD, etc. HOWEVER, the level of mental abuse that the recent ex (a very smart mid range) engaged in was so much more traumatic because of my witnessing my loss of my trust in my inner gut reactions, my mind. Never, ever should anyone discount the treachery of mental and emotional abuse. You can lose yourself completely.
It will take a really long time for me to feel that again. I have degrees of trust that I give to different people, but never to the degree that I share all my internal secrets with that person that knows it all, aside from perhaps a couple of relatives of mine. I am thankful I can trust my gut and mind again.
I agree Love that it’s difficult to trust anyone anymore. It’s very sad that I am not like I used to be.
My therapist asked who I trusted last night and now I respond like HG.
No one.
I told her about the “Holy Narcissist” article and how it will be a long time before I can sit in a place of worship and listen to anyone preach. I don’t t trust a word they say right now.
It is a good and bad thing. Good that it opens your eyes. Bad that it keeps your guard up at all times. You become hyper vigilante, having to read between lines, and questioning others’ intentions.
Yes. This.
I have found myself withholding from people I once believed totally had my back. They have done nothing to really crystallise why I feel like this, I just do.
Some of this is just paranoia I now live with – ie is this, could this be a lieutenant he has gotten to?
Some of it is due to the glaring (and sorrowfully disappointing) realisation that they DO NOT understand what has happened. Mental and emotional abuse is so hard to explain. When I explain a few things that happened it sounds so small and I sound so histrionic to them. I explain that it’s these things x 100 every day for eight years and I usually get a response like “well everyone has their idiosyncracies. It would have been annoying – yes.” They want to rationalise and explain the behaviour based on THEIR frame of reference. They don’t want to believe there are people who aren’t wired the same. That are brutal – even when masquerading as a trauma therapist.
As many have said before, it would be easier if I’d presented a black eye or two.
Even therapists want to present the benefit of the doubt. It’s their job to think everyone has a redeeming feature or two.
No, trust has gone. It is a casualty of narcissism for sure.
I don’t have a problem with the narc having a hundred plus people on the go at once. I really don’t – as you say that is his reality, choice and need.
I DO have a problem with being lied to and manipulated to believe the words of faithfulness, with making promises of my own based on a false reality presented to me, having my health put at risk because he doesn’t believe in condoms. I want a life and relationship that I have had some say and decisions in. That is MY choice and need.
seriouslybuggeroff, I think I must have the same narc as you. I feel exactly the same way. Now that I know he needs all the sources of fuel to function each day, I get that, we all need fuel to varying degrees. The difference being that I don’t lie, manipulate or make false promises and my fuel sources are platonic friendships, not jumping into bed with anyone I chat with or pick up off an online dating website! Despite having numerous conversations about being ‘exclusive’ he lied to me continuously. It is having that choice or decision taken away from me and the betrayal that makes me angry. At no stage did I discuss or agree to an open relationship!
Cinders, your comment made me think of “fuel” in a different way – namely: energy. In short, narcs are sucking up a victim’s energy, positive or negative, and leaving them void of this life essence. Without it, the victim is unable to function from a logical perspective because they lack the energy needed for the critical thinking side of the brain to take over. This theft of energy will hold a victim hostage until such time as they can finally pull themselves away from the narc long enough to get their own energy levels and start seeing the truth. We “normal” people can manufacture our own energy in a healthy way. Narcs do not seem to manufacture their own energy period thus must steal it from others. Of course they continue to steal it every second we obsess about them, whether they are present or long gone.
I absolutely agree. Being robbed of MY choices that’s what shits me the most. I would be in a very different place right now if I had been able to make informed decisions based on fact. I resent that I gave the fool a second chance because the tears and begging and promises were plausible and seemingly heartfelt to me. If you are going to be “all that” baby man narc then wear it with some fucking flair and own it.
I seriously don’t care what he does anymore. I wouldn’t go to his funeral if he died tomorrow. I pity all the future me’s and don’t feel at all jealous. Annoyed that what I taught him will make his play more effective but what the fuck ever.
She, mrs new pipeline, has made her bed by getting together with a married man regardless of how allegedly shit his marriage was and how much of a ball breaking mentalist bitch from hell I was.
How it begins is how it will end.
There’s not enough room in my sockets to roll my eyes as far as I want to.
Exactly right and at no time did I consent to be in a one sided open relationship!
Unfortunately narc traits don’t come ‘a la carte’. You will get the entire feast.
Btw – no condoms is no excuse. Your body your rules!
When one is married and being told there is nobody else and you operate on the assumption that is the case. When the trail of deception is so cleverly hidden, why would I request my husband wear condoms?
I have this information NOW, with retrospect, research and understanding. But at the time I took our vows at face value.
Sure, I could have made the rule he wear a condom every time we had sex, but I wouldn’t have been married to him if I’d known he was a cheating narcissist and he was porking everything that cast a shadow.
My body my rules for sure. But one needs to be aware of the facts before one can make that demand.
I understand if you are thinking you are in a monogamous relationship – then that makes sense not to use protection. I meant in regard to your comment “I don’t have a problem with the narc having a hundred plus people on the go at once. “
Yeah I get it. I wasn’t clear. I guess I meant that I don’t have a problem with people who are promiscuous, that’s their prerogative. But be upfront about it. Be safe and don’t fuck wth lives.
When they are peddling the myth of “I’m Mr Moral Trauma Therapist and sexual abuse and cheating is a wicked thing that I’ve seen pay untold damage to the lives of women I see and counsel.” And yet they ARE what they espouse to hate, that is sick. It’s mockery on another scale.
Me, and our children bought that myth hook and line.
I absolutely understand and it is very sad. Unfortunately it is difficult and risky to trust anyone. They do not comprehend that it is a privilege and an honor to be allowed into your home, heart, and family.
Yes it is the lies and deceit, the faking that causes the most pain.
The N I was having a relationship with was married. He pursued me, and I gave in to his charm after a year of being love-bombed. He started pursuing another supply and I found out about her in October. Why couldn’t he just be honest ans say he was interested in another woman.
I asked him to be truthful and honest even if the truth was painful but he still lied.
He has left his wife now, devalued and discarded her, he has devalued me, pretty much discarded me, and is on the golden period with his new source who is married!
If it wasn’t an universal truth that they all operate from the same playbook, I’d say: “hello, you must be talking about my husband, bad luck that you got shafted too but at least you aren’t now staring down the barrel of being shafted financially and at least your children aren’t having to live with the knowledge their daddy is a c u next Tuesday.” I can have some empathy that you have been mistreated but not a lot of sympathy for those that have relationships with married people. I mean, what do you expect? Regardless of the love bombing or all out nuclear love explosion, the answer should always and forever be NO. From a wife’s perspective, the “lovers” and “girlfriends” are the cause of as much pain as the Narcissist.
Sorry 😐. I am trying not to be mean but if everyone on the planet said no when pursued by married individuals these Narcissists and Character Disturbed would be unable to cause quite as much damage.
I hope you don’t go down this path again. I hope you’re able to figure out that no person is ever worth sacrificing your values and integrity for. We lie with rodents and we get fleas.
Good luck.
Seriouslybuggeroff,
I guess I deserved that.
I never thought in a million years that I would have an affair with a married man. I was always anti cheating and would never ever go after a married man. I really don’t know why I gave in to him – vulnerable after a break up? lonely? being an empath? Still that is no excuse I know. Guess he knows who to target and how to get them since his new source is a married woman with children.
Yes my situation is not as bad as yours. And I am truly sorry for your suffering.
If people married, chose a life partner and stayed faithful the world would indeed be a better place. Narcissists aside there is something wrong with the world – people do they do not seem to be satisfied or happy with the one they are with.
Wishing you well.
Thanks ANK. You took that well and there was no venom in my words. I’m fast approaching “meh” with regard to my ex narc. It’s the kids I feel sorry for and aside from the extreme anxiety I feel about the property settlement process, I really couldn’t give two shits whether he lives or dies. His is not a life I would want to inhabit and I am grateful every day to have extracted myself even though I am in my early forties and starting from scratch.
Happiness, love, contentment are verbs, not a state we passively arrive at without effort. The problem in the world with people is that we are spoon fed from every angle that we are entitled to this, entitled to that and everything is traded in at the first sign of a problem. An example: I have barely paid off one year of a two year contract on my smart phone and the company is contacting me to urge me to upgrade the slimmer, sexier, newer model. There is no message anywhere about the value of sticking it out, loyalty, be happy with what you have. No one is counselled they have to work for these things, instead we are told we deserve better, flaws are wrong, just do “this” and everything will be perfect. In a sense our culture is breeding Narcissistic thinking.
I know how people end up in affairs – loneliness, bad break ups, whatever. I can see how this happens and preying on vulnerabilities is the MO as HG points out time and again. But I believe the best thing about being a follower of HG is that it arms us against their nonsense and crystallises time and time again that there is NO reward for choosing to dance with the devil. In fact the worst crime of this dance is how we end up behaving in ways that go against our values and for what? For the empty promises of a gold-plated, rusty nail. A glittering turd.
I for one have happily chosen live with loneliness and intact self esteem, self respect and robust value system than a disco with satan that ends with the worst hangover of my life.
Evil is everywhere but not within. Let within be your guiding force.
Be well xxx
SBO,
I’m the type of person that will admit to doing wrong if I did. I try not to cause any pain to anyone if I can help it. I was fooled and yes I behaved in a way that went against my values – hooked and reeled in and now paying the price for my naivety.
It must be hard for you starting all over, but I sense a great strength in you.
I agree that happiness etc doesn’t just fall into our laps, and we must create our own, but be wary of the pitfalls along the way. Experience, and this site in particular is a good educator.
We see this sense of entitlement more and more everywhere – whether it be as you say the latest mobile phone, or an ipad or fame and money. It is pervasive in all areas of society. A disease that is spreading and ruining. And you are absolutely right – culture is breeding narcissism.
With good wishes.
Well, if the narc were ‘honest’, what would you think?
As usual, it’s “our fault”…
My N made me feel like I was the most amazing, special woman who was his soul mate….until the fuel wasn’t enough. Part of me feels jealously over his new gf, ahem fuel, and then part feels pity because she will have the same thing happen to her.
Understandable. You should feel delight at knowing what he is and being escaped from him.
My mental health has improved greatly since reading this blog. Thanks.
I agree with you HG! Just be happy and enjoy that are free from them. 😃
To them, we are each, but only a ‘working mule’;
we are only as special as is our precious fuel.
I have grown to hate this phrase. He still says it. Even after I know it is untrue, can nearly prove he cheated, and he knows I know it isn’t true. He still says it! He still says I love you and I don’t return the sentiments. Is he daft or just still trying to manipulate?
We are all One and The Same… we are no more special that the other hundreds of appliances.
more than “hundreds” likely served
Yes, we ALL are “the one”.
yah, but me first!
I learned early on i wasnt “the only” one. At first i was extremely upset but over time and learning about narcissism it made sense. My narcs never married or had kids and i suspect this was a conscious decision on his part possibly as a result from his childhood. Ive asked him if he ever gets lonely living alone and his reply is hes used to it and has always been independant. Ive looked up to this and felt low about myself in needing someone always in my life. Five years later and knowing narcissism i now know he isnt independant. He relies on many people like i rely on him. He needs many to fill up that emptiness and keep afloat the image hes portrayed not only to others but more importantly to himself. He needs to be that person to feel ok in life. If we all disappeared hed shrivel up and have to face realities he does not want to face. The sad reality tho is if he did face them and work thru them he could start to build a real person that had a stronger foundation not held up by so many people. Then again so could i. So much more energy to put into useful purposes than feeding a false self.
I no longer take his other supply personally. Ive accepted they make him feel good about himself. This is not my concern its the destructive nature of narcissism and uncertainty.
The narc soul is a colander that needs many to prevent it from draining and becoming empty. It cant stand alone. Instead of anger i pity that. Its not a happy existence nor one that stands the test of time.
Well said.
Very well said I would so like to talk with you Ive been going through this with someone for the past year .. Ive wanted and even told myself girl you need to walk away and let this man go and yet I stay and stand by his side knowing about the others he claims to have that feed his need