The False Exaggeration of the Victim
We would struggle without those twin helpers of exaggeration and embellishment as we make our mediocre achievements impressive and our decent accomplishments spectacular. Good for all occasions, a healthy and liberal sprinkling of exaggeration makes us far more appealing and alluring. Embellishing what I have done ensures I look far better than you and means that I remain the superior individual. Like salt and pepper at meal times, exaggeration and embellishment are never far from our kind. We make everything bigger, better, bolder, brighter and more brilliant. We love to magnify and multiply in order to convey just how great we are, yet, generous souls that our kind are it would not be fair if we did not allow you an opportunity to be seen to exaggerate and embellish, to make a mountain out of a mole hill and blow things out of proportion. Of course, when we provide this opportunity to you, it has none of the self-aggrandizing effects of our behaviour for ourselves but it used as an opportunity to make you see hysterical, unreliable and someone who is trying to pin the blame on us unfairly. We use exaggeration to inflate what we are but also as a means of attacking you. Here are twenty examples of using exaggeration and embellishment to undermine you.
- You are hypersensitive
- You are over-thinking what has happened
- You read too much into what I say
- You are paranoid
- You are seeing things which are not there
- You are making that up
- You have to be melodramatic don’t you?
- You aren’t that ill really.
- You are over-reacting.
- You are making a fuss over nothing.
- You have lost your sense of perspective.
- You take things too far at times
- You are going over the top with this now
- You press the panic button too soon
- You are making something out of nothing
- You are responding in a disproportionate manner
- You are getting over excited about this
- You are losing your sense of proportion
- You are putting two and two together and making eight
- You are jumping to conclusions
When you hear these comments being made by us, you should become aware that we are using such a comment to deflect what you are saying by trying to trivialise it by suggesting you are exaggerating its effect or importance. The use of phrases such as these are stock tells by us that you have landed a blow against us and we need to reduce its impact promptly. The easiest way to do this is to not only diminish the import of what you have said but then to make you question your own behaviour by making the conversation about you, rather than us. This will also provoke you by frustrating you. You are being denied the opportunity to advance your agenda and this will increase your emotional response. This not only gives us fuel, it also means that you lose sight of your point as you are derailed by conducting the discussion in a logical fashion as you are pushed by us into the territory of emotion. Once emotion has taken hold of your thinking we are far abler to exploit this to our advantage. Recognise these comments and understand their significance when you are engaging with our kind so you are able to withdraw from or neutralise their effect.
16 thoughts on “The False Exaggeration of the Victim”
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“Can’t we just talk about our love? Why do we have to go down this negative path?”
He told me this just yesterday : “you always complain!” (I told him that he paid me with a cold sms “good year” while I expect the warmest and affectionate wishes, after we had even made “love”… he don’t use the word “sex” because he told that he know to make only “love”… 😑 of course I know it’s a big lie)
But in the past he used other words:
1) You are seeing things which are not there. (yeah he used one sentence of your list)
2) you are too heavy, you’re a nuisance, don’t stress me! (Everytime that I show him his lies or ask to him to keep his promises)
3) you invent flirting that I did not have. (I discovered some his past flirt with other women but he denies)
During devaluation:
1) you should have thought of that before
2) you think too much
3) you shouldn’t watch romantic movies
PTSD, I give him credit for #3. I’m guilty for spending a lifetime reading romance novels. They obscure reality and create an illusion of how relationships are to be.
Very true Love! After he asked me to stop watching romantic movies, indeed i complied and stopped. It is definitely helpful!
This is a great list, many have been used on me with the narcissist in my life. So you’re saying by withdrawing from the conversation immediately is the only way to neutralise? Is that frustrating for a narcissist? Or satisfying that the other has walked away?
Following …
Out of the ashes
Made me laugh. My StepNarc too. He would bellow: use common sense! I would look at him puzzled (on purpose) and say: whos? He then of course would go from mad to ballistic because I was so stupid but inside I was laughing at him. My goal was to make him have a heart attack from anger but alas he was strong as an ox (but lacked the intelligence of one) up until 3 days before his death.
NA,
Didn’t he ever hit you for making remarks like that? I just wondered because he seems so volatile. Did it depend on the mood that you would say something or were you able to gauge when it was an opportune time?
ABB
He had varied reactions. Sometimes he would be so disgusted with our stupidity that he would leave. Sometimes there would be a witness he thought he was impressing with his control of us and what he had to deal with. Sometimes I was punished with being denied my freedom and yes sometimes he would want to lash out so I always had to have a strategy (like not goad him when the other children were home in case he lashed out at them. Of course there were also times I stood up to him and everything was so hopeless I didnt care if I died trying.
Thanks NA. Glad to see you kept your defenses strong.
I was told that I am stupid and not capable of understanding the bigger picture! Lol…
Then I am a genius when I would admit to things that he wanted me to admit to and I only did so to STOP the insanity and abuse. He was rushing me to move in with him and leave behind my family & friends…this all happened so fast! It’s been very difficult to navigate but when my eyes opened I now see it, but I want to make certain because I do not want to label him. I do miss him though. When he vanished after his mother died I had actually started moving forward and was doing very well again but he showed back up on Thanksgiving…then horrible text messages on Christmas Eve! Absolutely horrible!
and a lot of these phrases can be said to apply to the narc, which makes it more like its 2 people accusing each other of the same thing, which makes it cancel out.
Here’s one not on the list that was a favorite of my N father. “You have no common sense.”
I think everyone uses these lines at one time or another. I have heard them used with me, used them myself, heard others using them. What could this mean?
My favorite line OOTA!
But my intellectual son explained that there is no such thing as common sense per se. He said that someone with a completely different lifestyle from what I live would have a different perspective of the common sense rule. I suppose this is true. Maybe from a Sam Harris lecture or book. He is always making me look at life from a different angle. I still believe people do not think enough. Common sense, move away from the bottom of the escalator. How many do not?