The Online Empathic Target
You are an obvious target when you engage in on-line dating. Your profile acts as a beacon to us. We see certain phrases and descriptions which have us making a bee line for you. You may as well strap a neon sign to your head stating “Empath” because you are sending a clear and distinct signal to us and we will move in for the kill.
On-line dating websites are popular and growing. They have millions of members and billions of page views each day. There are plenty of people looking for love on the internet. Given the ease through which one can browse, select and interact with a prospective date, it is little wonder that online dating sites are extensively used. The ability to avoid having to plunge into a gene pool of who knows what in bars and clubs and other predictable pick-up joints means that firing up the laptop and tablet and settling back to see who is out there has become a major way of finding that other half. I have mentioned before that cyberspace is a major hunting ground for our kind. From apps to social media, through messaging to the dating websites, the speed and reach of technology is a huge boon to the narcissist in his search for victims. Dating websites are no exception. It is there that we can sift through the prospective victims, assessing the target and gauging whether an approach ought to be made to begin the additional fact finding about this individual and commence the seduction. Dating websites attract a good proportion of cranks, wind-up merchants, no-shows, time wasters, married people searching for some sexting and potentially more and these individuals often stand out a mile. The opening gambit of the pervert who is looking for some topless pictures of you is likely to be
“U r gawjuss, do you have nudes?”
Easy to pick that jerk out isn’t it? He won’t be one of us though. He is just an arsehole. The philanderer may well belong to our brethren but when he starts with,
“I am married but my wife and I haven’t had sex for 2 years so I am not really being unfaithful in looking for some action elsewhere.”
You know that he is looking for some extra-marital fun and being so upfront about it means he is unlikely to be one of ours. You never charm somebody by playing your B.L.U.F. – bottom line up front. Rather, in order to bluff, a far more subtle and insidious approach is required. These individuals may have narcissistic traits but they are not in our gang. They operate on a percentage basis. Keep asking for nude pictures often enough and someone is bound to agree. Keep plugging away for someone who fancies a quick bunk up and somebody will eventually respond. That is all they are interested in. They are not after your fuel. We are.
So, what do we look for when we are scouring the digital directory of potential appliances? Naturally, the cadre of narcissist affects the class traits that the relevant narcissist looks for, therefore the Somatic Narcissist will be concentrating on those who look stunning, are gym bunnies, love travel and shopping and such like. The Cerebral Narc will be looking for those who enjoy literature, the arts, demonstrate a higher education and so forth. Those class traits are highly relevant and we do look for them in the profiles of those who place themselves on an online dating site.
We also look for the empathic traits which signify to us that this person has the potential to be an excellent appliance for us and eventually maybe even be a primary source. We scour for those who have the special traits as well, which amount to a bonus. Finally, we look for indicators which tell us that you are unlikely to put up much resistance. Combine all of these indicators – the class, empathic and special traits, add in the knowledge that you are not going to be difficult to approach and engage with and it all points towards a viable target for our attentions. Not all of the empathic or special traits will be present in your profile, this requires additional investigative work on our part which we will engage in, but we will have seen enough which tells us that you are more likely than not an empath and well worth targeting.
So what are these phrases and descriptions that stand out a mile to our kind and have us converging on you? There are numerous that exist, but here is a selection of ones which are used most often.
- Been Hurt Before
Our klaxon goes off to tell us that you are damaged goods and therefore ripe for the taking. Somebody has tenderized you already and thus our insidious charm will meet with little resistance. You will be delighted to find someone so caring, so compassionate, so considerate and so into you. Such a contrast to the predecessor. You will not be warier for the experience but actually more vulnerable because you clearly do not recognise our kind when we come hunting.
- Loves animals
If you are prepared to care for a lower life form, feed it, groom it, exercise it, play with it, buy it things, pay vet’s bills and so forth, you are clearly a caring person. Nine times out of ten an animal lover is also someone who is very caring towards their own species too, there is the odd exception of course, but it is more often a reliable indicator of empathic traits than not.
- I’m new to this/ I cannot believe I am doing on-line dating
You have not been able to meet anybody through a traditional method and you are telling us this because you feel somewhat awkward and silly that you are doing this. Don’t worry, we will put you at your ease because guess what? We will tell you we are new to this (of course we are not) and let’s handhold on this new adventure. This also tells us that there is a degree of desperation to find somebody because you are trying to suggest you do not use this ordinarily. Well you are here now aren’t you because nothing else has worked?
- I like to stay in with a glass of wine and a DVD/cosy up in front the fire/ walk in the park on Sunday and go to the pub for a roast/ have Sunday brunch and read the papers together
You are a love devotee. How so? These standard phrases originate because you have watched the fabricated happy Hollywood couples in film, or read about them in glossy magazines and novels which advocate that this is the way that couples spend every evening or Sunday together. You are susceptible to being sold the ideal of how love is, the romantic and wonderful view of love and by using phrases such as these you are indicating that to us loud and clear. You want an ideal form of love? Guess who can manufacture that in an instant?
- Church/God/Spirituality
If you make mention of this on your profile you are exhibiting, you operate by a moral code and therefore you will have empathic traits. If you demonstrate some form of spirituality this tells us that you have a belief system and therefore you are susceptible to suggestion. This ranges from being a good and decent person through to someone who believes that love will solve every issue and problem. That mind set is appealing to us.
- Charity involvement
If you make mention of your work at the local homeless shelter, you volunteer with a medical charity or are engaged in fund-raising we know you are a giver and not a taker. We also know that you have significant levels of empathy and that you will go the extra mile to secure the happiness of somebody. We want that attitude directed towards us.
- I am a middle child/ I come from a large family
There is a good chance you have not been afforded the attention you might otherwise have wanted and thus we know that we can secure an easy win by lavishing on you plenty of the aforementioned attention. We also regard this as demonstrating that you are quite stoic individual who has been used to just getting on with things, so that having someone come along and help you and put you at the centre of things will really gain your approval and appreciation.
- I just got out of a committed relationship
So you have and by writing this you are telling us two things. The first is you want another one pretty quickly because you do not like being alone. The second is that you have evidently been the one who has been dumped or cheated on as you are saying you were the one who was committed and you want other people to know that you were committed. This tells us that you are keen on getting to the truth of the matter, an empathic trait and that you will stick around.
- I am looking for a knight in shining armour
So many bases are ticked with this one. You are a love devotee as you are sold on the idea of romantic love. You want someone to save you and therefore you will respond well to such overtures. You have evidently suffered previously and therefore you have been softened up in that regard as detailed above. You are also expecting somebody else to be chivalrous and bear the burden, which translates into you wanting that person to buy you things, take you places and spoil you. No problem, that all comes as part of the Love Bombing package.
- I am seeking someone who is financially secure
You have financial problems which we can exploit and/or you were with somebody who had financial problems so you want to avoid that happening again. You are attracted to success (or the appearance of success) and this is a motivating factor for you. We will be happy to factor that in for you.
- I am ready for a long-term relationship
You have not been able to find anybody so far, so desperation is starting to creep in. You are also a giver and believe in relationships, you want to be bound to somebody and make it work. You have just tilted your head and exposed your throat to us.
- I want to be swept off my feet
Another indication of being a love devotee who believes in excessive romanticism and also a key indicator that our whirlwind approach to seduction will reap significant rewards and find favour with you. You will be swept off your feet alright, you just may have trouble getting up again.
- I am tired of games
Again another signal that you have suffered in the past and therefore you are susceptible to manipulation. This offers us the chance to exhibit that we are honest, straightforward and reliable to draw you in and then we can commence our manipulations of you with impunity.
- Looking for The One
More evidence of the love devotee, someone who is ready to pour their heart and soul into the relationship and therefore you will be overflowing with empathic traits. Not only that, you will fall prey to our various ways of telling you that you are The One, Our Soulmate and The Person We Have Waited Our Whole Life For.
- Mention of the caring professions
If you happen to explain you work in nursing, look after the elderly, you sign for the local deaf community and so forth, this lights up that you have empathic traits and this especially appeals to the Victim Narcissist who will be looking for his own personal carer.
There are many more and we look for a selection of these in somebody’s written dating profile to confirm to us that you will have the various traits we desire and that your resistance to being seduced will be low.
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Hello H.G.! It is always a pleasure read and learn from your articles. I recognize more of this elements in me…add that I was in love for him (unrequited) in adolescence ad he remember this… so I think that I was an easy prey for him. All starts on line.
Do you search your prey on line?
Hello Noah and thank you. I have in the past, I tend to use the internet more for background work for real life interaction seductions and other machinations, but one may always dip into it for the purposes of gaining fuel where required.
***EMPATHY: FUEL OF THE PHOENIX***
Have you ever felt like a saint of circumstance? Have you been a patron of the golden rule – do onto others as you would have them done onto you? Have you ever been made a doormat, used and abused, taken advantage of? Do you often times put others before your own needs and well being? Have you ever gone amiss, held captive by daydreams of a far better place, like that of Utopia – only to wake up and realize, it’s reality which actually is the nightmare that haunts your dreams? Do you ever classify yourself as life’s quintessential ‘scapegoat’? Do you count the moments you smile each day – for if its more than the day before, you consider this a small victory? Are you consumed with feelings of worry, self doubt, legitimacy, or sense of worth? Do you assume the role of a modern day pariah?
Maybe someone forgot to remind you that you aren’t a misfit, hopeless, or destined for a path of destruction…maybe you are a beautiful soul and a deeply caring person that has taken misguided strides to dodge the ‘debt of humanities regret’ that we carry around for others (so it feels), unbeknownst to us that we are even doing it.
“To feel everything too intensely, so deeply, is both a gift, and a curse.”
Why am I citing the extreme juxtaposition between [gift vs. curse] quoted above, you may ask? The answer is because chaos follows an open heart – for the most courageous thing a person can do is let themselves be loved. We are made vulnerable because we are a person who embraces their heart’s desires, but hence are also open to playing more of game of love; a misconception of love! This game teaches us adversities as well as bliss. It can rear its ugly head by showing us such travesties like that of loneliness, betrayal, abandonment, or rejection! We find the unfortunate truth that innocence teaches us what it feels like to be used!
NEVER CHANGE being that deeply caring individual you are! For you are a person who possess life’s most sacred gifts – EMPATHY: the cornerstone of pure balance, love, and compassion! You see, the HEART knows NO BOUNDARIES; for LOVE is infinite, and has the power to transcend throughout the ages – in and out of time! LOVE is the fundamental building block to any emotion – whether it’s the catalyst or antithesis! It mediates grievances, empowers passion, cultivates patience, dries tears, teaches humility, instills confidence, finds faith, and lures hope. There is no greater testament to a persons mental refinement than from a person who is “empathically charged”. However, if you are a person who is either incapable, of unwilling to embrace empathy – life’s greatest component to humanity – it will be your ignorance, which perpetuates such inaccurate stereotypes/fallacies of an empath .
The commonly tossed around view of an empathic person usually depicts the empath as unbalanced, and/or weak individual. I beg to differ! For a individual who is able to maintain an open heart, regardless of its part of the biological-spiritual existence, it’s still a gift designed only for the brave! The balancing act of such an intense gift, makes these spiritual warriors nothing short of being mankind’s muse for hope and strength.
“For the most beautiful people that we have known, are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE DO NOT JUST HAPPEN!”
Hence, why it’s so important not to judge, be open, be humble, and try to really meet someones character, that which is the true essence of a person. We all carry around certain things inside us that most are never privy to see. For some, these can be quite heavy, which hold us down like anchors – ultimately having the potential to drown us out at sea!
I truly believe that those who are “the loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do. It gives light to one of my favorite mantras,
“that out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; for the most massive characters are seared with scars!”
So all my empathic friends…know this, and know it well! We are the blessed, the chosen, we are, undoubtedly, life’s great seamstress…in which by experiencing the world’s cares and concerns, we take away the debt of humanity regret, we help the fallen redeem their self esteem and give them inspiration to live their dreams – ALL UNIFIED BY THE THREAD OF EMPATHY! It’s the only trait that you can rely on which creates transparency, truth, and a genuine zest for love!
Our journey can sometimes be a difficult one; the path is long! We must never forget, that even when we were in the grasps of such adversity, whether it was by circumstance, or by person, the hands we might have view as damnation, are actually hands of deliverance. Empathy is the single greatest difference that exists between the cruel creatures of this world, and us, the empathic survivor!
Many of us which identify as empathic, have been witness to some of life’s greatest trials and tribulations, ill will or misfortunes. Our experiences, so intensely felt, surely showcases that life’s greatest cruelty is truly the casual blindness one can have to the despair of others! Throughout your life, people wont necessarily remember what you once said to them, or perhaps what exactly you did….However, people NEVER forget how you made them feel!!!!! Essentially, empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It’s the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else’s pain is as meaningful as your own.
Unfortunately, sometimes when we follow our heart, while unintentionally sacrificing the sanity of our mind. In the end, my latest epiphany to which has helped take away from the debt of my regret, is that through my empathetic nature, which is hard wired to every fiber of my being, I will be there to build someone up, even in my most tiresome/arduous days, because I know what it’s like to be torn down!
Jayson Yuchá
#harmonicconvergenceofsouls #CrystalChiron #empathy #fuelofthephoenix
Thanks to HG, I imagine many of us are starting to learn some of the tricks of his trade. 😉 I like your idea, Bruised. 🙂
quick question Mr Tudor. ..if I’ve created an dating account as a narcissist would try to open… would that lead me into meeting online empathic individuals?
Potentially yes but remember you have to do the running.
indeed the running and the chatting. .. thank You HG.xx
Bruised: Wondered that myself. 😉 But how do you change your image afterwards?
On my short lived dating profile created just as social experiment I have put (two months ago ) description “No narcissists!”
Guess what…. it ONLY worked as a magnet … it was interesting to being able to chat and spot the red flags and the way they act online. there were guys who literally ticked so many flags within 3 days of chatting that I could not believe my eyes .. from soul mate talking to ” I love You” omg like really ??? even a girl! and the mirroring. .. it was painful to watch and dangerous for me to carry on as I akways sympathise with the hurt ones. .. even if they don’t know they are hurt… You tought me so well… You should be a therapist my dear. Thank You for Your amazing job You doing here!!!
Thank you Bruised and an interesting experiment you conducted there. Not only does it go to show how many there are but it also underlines how many do not know what they are.
Yes indeed. One girl was so open with me she said things like that “I am like that. I’m sorry I can’t help it. I can’t not fall for You. (insert the flow of compliments here) I know I’m not good for You but I can’t help it. You are like magnet to me….etc etc” she was like that love bombing from the very first day. very troubled lady…. I’ve tried to be just an understanding person… an online friend… she txted me all the time, send me voice msgs pic… it was very intense from her side. She knew something was odd… it all had to end tho…. I have even cried when I’ve cancelled the account… she was such a lovely lady… 😢
HG
Would it also have presented as a challenge for a few who do know what they are? Extra fuel in having duped the vigilant?
Good point NA, yes it would although of course such beasts would be far rarer.
My histrionic friend uses her online dating profiles as an arena to display her master piece (aka herself). She always maxes out on the number of pictures allowed to post. I believe 25 is the limit. She would struggle even if it was 100.
She writes epic novels about herself with #s 5, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.
How do I know this? Who do you think was the editor, tech support, and the listening ear to hear about the 1000 daily incoming messages? All of course were compliments about her unparalleled beauty.
An understandable position to find yourself in Love, how long did you fulfil that role before you realised that something was amiss?
** blushes ** Um, she found a new friend and does not talk or see me much anymore. Lol I guess I was discarded by the histrionic. But she did call recently to let me know her friend is moving to Europe. So my position might open back up Lol! 😁
*cornflakes
Well Im not married but not single, and have never been on a dating site myself, but have been witness to a friend(s) who is on one and having her phone ping every minute with yet another prospect. I tell her its Narc soup on those sites and sure enough-all Narcs and married guys with boner phones but she is absolutely addicted to that ping. She truly believes the next one will be her White Knight and when I roll my eyes up into my skull I am either jealous or pissing in her corflakes but I have called every one shes had so far. It can be funny on occasion but mostly just annoying and since I told her to put it away when were out I haven’t seen her much lol. I suppose thats how people do it now. I am told by men in person that I am intimidating and not very approachable yet interesting enough for some to try, but of course on an app etc they dont see that. Hmmmm….. dating sites you say? Dont give me any ideas LOL.
Jesus, this was my profile. I don’t hang out at places that introduce me to new people and many of my friends and colleagues met their others on line…so I have used online dating. But I’m guilty of 2, 4,5, 11, 13, 14, and 15…..and other stuff, like hobbies, arts, interest in deep convos, humor, blahhhhhhhh….
Whelp, my profile will be….hi, I’m Indy. Don’t not ask any questions…I’ll do the asking…..hahaha
I have used online, but it has not worked for me. Many I would say yes to meet them and then never follow through. I look at their pictures again and find something wrong.
I have had three come here to meet me. One was Jonathan, the narc. I did meet one who I am still very good friends with. He is a professor at the University of Colorado in Boulder. Smart man and a looker for sure but too old. He is here now and we had dinner on Thursday night. He must have been so flipping hot as a younger man.
Lol Indy ditto
HG, thank you, this IS Beautiful! Oh so0o glad that you put this one out there! The “extreme” vulnerability of our Empathic Kind in this surreptitious Predatory Trap is one of the top hitters in baiting our MOST vulnerable to fall! I despise this most of all for this insidious tactic; unfortunately, ensnare’s our most vulnerable and sometimes the most precious of our kind more often than not. Sickest to the likeness of seducing a child unto his/hers most precious need, LOVE. But this kind of (predatory) love is one of thee most wicked and iniquitous of all. I pray that this particular writing of yours may reach 100% of the most vulnerable of our kind AND the most predatory of your kind. God bless you HG! Thank you.
Yes. This kind of “love” is nothing more and nothing less than emotional and psychological rape. The resulting damage and trauma is very, very similar to a physical rape. Diabolical, planned deception…destruction. I choose my words and actions carefully so as to hurt no one ever. How did I fall into this evil web he had spun…just to hurt me? Unbelievable. I didn’t know people did that. Now I know…far too much.
HG, thank you, this IS Beautiful! Oh so0o glad that you put this one out there! The “extreme” vulnerability of our Empathic Kind in this surreptitious Predatory Trap is one of the top hitters in baiting our MOST vulnerable to fall! I despise this most of all for this insidious tactic; unfortunately, ensnare’s our most vulnerable and sometimes the most precious of our kind more often than not. Sickest to the extent of seducing a child unto his/hers most precious need, LOVE. But this kind of (predatory) love is one of thee most wicked and iniquitous of all. I pray that this particular writing of yours may reach 100% of the most vulnerable of our kind AND the most predatory of your kind. God bless you HG! Thank you.
Thank you Roger.
Number 2. guilty as charged. The rest I do not think so. I tried the dating sites and was grossed out. They never look like their picture.
Happy New Year everyone …. HG, what might your online profile say? Anything we can watch out for? One thing I noticed and didn’t act upon early in my dating with the NPD were the little lies sprinkled throughout his profile and for no reason — my ex’s colleagues actually bought him his online dating membership lol — he had everyone fooled that he was a hapless fool, unlucky in love — he was anything but — a really malignant NPD — but still has his colleagues all fooled … would love to read the types of webbing you weave into your profile HG, cheers, FFL.
Hello FFL, I will be writing about the type of material you might find on my kind’s profile so that is a treat down the line!
Dear HG, I’ve become a bit paranoid in regard to online-dating thanks to you … I had someone writing to me within seconds after having been back on his profile. His profile said amongst other things “don’t like women with animals or stuffed animals” and under “I like” “vegans and vegetarians”. He also stated that he was faithful “as long as everything is going well”. (…).
Even I spotted a narcissist there!
Sooo … if I look for those statements which we’re not supposed to use, I will find my own empath?? Or … could you find me one? Please?
How long do you wait till you ask someone to meet in RL?
Good to see you are spotting the signs Ava101. Could I find you an empath? Easily, perhaps you would like me to hook you up with one of my Lieutenants?
How long do I wait until I ask to meet someone it real life? Nearly all of my IP primary sources have arisen from knowing the person through work, social connections and meeting at an event or in a bar, I of course use a trawl through cyberspace to find more about them. It has been those who are IPSS that I have acquired through online dating/chat rooms/apps etc. In some instances I have met them the same night as we started chatting when they are close enough, with others it has been within a month (again they would need to be nearby and fit in with my schedule). I do recall there was one lady and it took 4 years before we met face to face.
Hello my Dear HG, thank you for your enlightening answer as always. Point taken.
This is so frustrating that you are better at evaluating characters than I am! A by-product of my upbringing, not trusting my own perception. So in this instance, you did develop the better survival skills.
Interesting fact that you met most of your primary sources in person.
>through work
So they had to quit their job afterwards?
>social connections
So they had to find a new social circle afterwards?
>and meeting at an event or in a bar, I of course use a trawl through cyberspace to find more about them.
Ever picked the wrong kind of person at an event/bar?
Hm ….. just like my ex-narc. Met him at an event, and he then managed to find an old pic of me online and said that he liked that one most as it showed me to be so vulnerable. Oh, had I known you then!
>It has been those who are IPSS that I have acquired through online dating/chat rooms/apps etc.
Oh ….
Thanks for the details, very interesting indeed.
[Met my ex-lesser-narc-lover online, too. Met quickly and intensely once he stopped talking.
(Hm … for meeting the same night, which I of course never do, I wouldn’t mind a narc … as long as he didn’t extract any contact details from me …).]
You are welcome. Yes I have met primary sources through many different conduits and of course they are the one who has had to move on to pastures new following discard. I have occasionally (mainly when younger) identified a target incorrectly which has resulted in wasted time and some wounding.
4 bloody years? You waited that long HG???
She did.
Understandable. .. good to know…
” I do recall there was one lady and it took 4 years before we met face to face.”
Deary me HG . You didn’t “activate ” Omega 13?
It was an entertaining game of assessing her stickability.
I always thought Sigourney Weaver looked alluring in Galaxy Quest btw.
HG, you are so smart. Thank you for your generous doses of inside info. Your posts are next level. I’m in awe of you. I dont do the online thing but those phrases describe me. Thanks for the tips on how to keep the dogs out, lol.
Thank you Tasha, I appreciate you letting me know.
Oh Wow. This is really interesting…..and a very important page to read