The Stare
The eyes feature prominently in an engagement with another person. You look into someone’s eyes to read them, to allow them to read you, you look away from someone in order to convey certain emotions, you fail to meet somebody’s gaze to convey others. I have written about the eyes of our kind previously but let us turn to a specific element of the use of eyes in the narcissistic dynamic and that is the stare.
Ordinarily, staring at another person is considered to be rude and ill-mannered, although it may denote fascination and even infatuation, but even that stare from a besotted admirer can be regarded as rude, never mind the unending gaze of a passer-by who cannot believe what he or she is witnessing. The stare when deployed by our kind takes on a different application altogether and it manifests at different times during your engagement with us.
- The Stare in Seduction
It is not used by all of our kind, but if you have been subjected to it, you will know it and you will remember it well. It was the time when those brilliant blue eyes locked with your own eyes and stared deep inside of you. Those flashing emerald eyes appeared transfixed as they stared at you. The rich brown eyes which seemed to melt as they gazed at you wavering. Whatever colour our eyes are, when you first received that seductive stare, the colour seemed to become brighter, the light shone in them and the intensity of our gaze was immense. It was not so much as being looked at, but rather an event in itself. Our steady stare was unusual as you probably had not experienced it from anyone else previously. You wanted to look away, torn between a sense of discomfort but the mesmerising quality of our eyes kept you looking back into them.
At that moment, our relentless gaze told you that you and only you mattered. There was nothing else of consequence in the universe. The background drained away, the surrounding sounds became muted and all distractions were removed. We wanted to show you that our devotion to you was beyond anything else. Only by allowing us to stare at you for such a long time were we able to convey the depths of our love, the vastness of our desire for you, the sheer scale of our need to be with you. Time slowed and then stood still, your skin tingled from the experience of this tantalising stare. Your breath caught in your lungs, your face seemed to flush and the wave of addiction washed across you, sending a shiver up and down your spine, around your neck and twisting your stomach. In that instant we became your universe as we showed you the world in our eyes.
Yet, what you really looked on as those two eyes continued to bore deep into you, was yourself. We commenced this engagement by knowing that to stare at you for an unconventional length of time would make you feel both uncomfortable and captivated so that you would then show us what was in your eyes. You would reveal to us your desire, your love, your hopes, your wants and your dedication. All we did was mirror back at you what you showed to us, amplified through the auspices of the mimicry for which we have become known. In that moment as we held your gaze from across the table, or after that kiss, or as we lay on top of you, we showed you yourself and thus sowed the seeds that caused you to fall in love with us, but really it was with yourself. That is why your love became something beyond anything that you had ever experienced before. That is why it was deep, powerful and absolute, because your subconscious saw what it wanted to see and this fired-up powerful and immense responses in you.
The world whirled in our eyes, your world. We offered limitless possibilities through the promise we mirrored back at you and by keeping you in this gaze we told you that we wanted you above anything and everything else. We wanted you. We wanted you. We wanted YOU.
- The Stare in Devaluation: Neutrality
In ‘Why Does He Seem Like A Different Person’, I explained about the stranger setting where the person who once lit up your life, becomes like a stranger, almost robotic. This is a change which occurs as the devaluation begins. It is not always present as some of our kind move straight into the dark abuses of the devaluation from the off, but there is a precursor to this when the person who once walked in with a cheery smile and a kiss, just enters and sits down, devoid of any prevailing emotion.
If you experience this, then you may also experience the stare at this juncture. This will be a hollow gaze which is accentuated by the blank expression that accompanies it. It is not a look of confusion or misapprehension; it is not a look of dimwittedness but is instead the empty stare of an empty person. You are looking at the void that exists within all of our kind. This represents the crossroads. The seductive stare glowed, fizzed and shone with the fabricated positive emotions which would cause you to respond with positive fuel. That has gone. The darkness of the devaluation has not yet commenced and its drawing of the negative fuel. Instead, you are looking at the in-between. The eyes which are devoid of warmth or hatred, empty of passion or malice, just a blank stare which conveys the void within.
This will cause you to become confused. It will have you ask whether everything is alright and have you wondering what has happened. You will be mystified as to where those mesmeric and scintillating gazes have gone. Why are you no longer looked at with that piercing and uplifting look? Where have we gone? If we had a soul, it is as if it has been sucked from within us, leaving only this husk behind. You cannot complain that you are being badly treated, since no abuses have yet been deployed against you. This empty and robotic stare is a warning of what is to come and should you see it in those you engage with, heed it and make good your departure because it is signaling to you that a far worse stare awaits you.
- The Stare in Devaluation: Malice
This, perhaps, is the stare that most associate with our kind. When you are subjected to our malicious stare, our eyes darken, emphasised by the contortion of our features which makes us appear like something else. The glowing greens, brilliant blues and blissful browns have vanished. The glinting grey eyes are no more, the halcyon hazel has been banished and instead a dark and glowering black has taken their place.
This gaze will cause you to shrink back under its impact. The hatred that is embodied in the ink darkness will turn you cold, send ice through your heart and is enough to even cause you to burst into tears. Terror will grip you because when this stare is deployed against you, you are seeing the evil in our core. The pure, unadulterated hatred which we have for you. It is seething, dense and vicious. It bears down on you, reminding you of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, a blackened glare which keeps on driving at you, pressing down on you, forcing you to feel small and wretched.
You may have caught the occasional malicious glance from us, just a flash of hatred, but that is something else. Those glimpses were warnings which could only be used for an instant to avoid detection by third parties and the fracturing of the façade. This is a stare. Sometimes it may be accompanied by hissed words of threat and insult. Sometimes it is cloaked in silence, the balefulness a clear warning that a period of silence will now be visiting you.
The person that you thought we were will be utterly absent. Your world has been annihilated in an instant and replaced by two orbs of glinting black, which tell you that you are hated. Totally hated and that much worse will be visited on you in conjunction with this stare of concentrated evil.
- The Stare in the Discard
This is perhaps witnessed if you are actually told of your discard. More often, it appears post discard when you try to see us, to plead with us for answers, to beg us to take you back and so forth. This stare is one of pure contempt. Disdain and distaste for you. How on earth did we come to couple with one so weak, so pathetic and so disgusting as you. You make us shudder to think that we once even looked at you with favour, love and longing. The shame we feel at choosing someone like you is thrust to one side to be overridden by a contemptuous stare, that is designed to weaken you in your tracks and tell you that in no uncertain terms we want nothing to do with you. We have someone far better. This stare is to urge you to keep away and to forbid you from reminding us that we once promised you the world. We do not want to remember such matters. Somebody else receives those promises now. You are an unfortunate reminder of a part of us which we prefer to keep locked away and this stare conveys this through contempt and loathing.
- The Stare in the Hoover
The Malign Follow-Up Hoover as you would expect applies the same approach as the malicious stare detailed above. Should we make contact with you for the purposes of trying to convince you to return to us, whether it is post-discard or post-escape, we will look to hold your gaze once again. This time those eyes of ours will shine again but with hope, longing and contrition. Vulnerability, sorrow and remorse may appear to loom large in the rounded and pleading gaze which we now hold you in.
Once more this is pure artifice. All we are doing is mirroring what you show to us. The hope that we might have seen the error of our ways. The longing for us to come to the realisation that we have done wrong. The sorrow for a person who must behave in this manner. The remorse that you engaged with someone so vile. The longing that you have for the golden period to shine once again. It is all manufactured as we mirror back to you what we see but for the purposes of hoodwinking you once again and with mealy-mouthed assurances and never to be delivered promises, we hook you back into our grasp.
The stare is a prominent weapon when we engage with you. It is a device that fabricates those emotions we do not possess and allows you to see the reality of who you have entangled with when you look up on the emptiness and shrink from the malice.
50 thoughts on “The Stare”
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I love your eloquent language in this article. Far too often it is forgotten that the way we say things is impactful. Well written comprehensive article that hits all the points as I’ve experienced many of them.
Thank you.
HG Tudor
Thank you so much for sharing your information. My narcissistic daughter has begun the discard stage with me, I believe. For the first time, last week, I experienced the malicious black stare. It was exactly as you described. Does she truly hate me, or is this a manipulation of some sort? Or both? If I cross her during this stage, can I expect serious retribution? Thank you in advance for your answer.
It is hatred and manipulation.
When you receive that seductive stare it feels like you have met your soulmate, the love of your life. Little did i know then that this was just a mirror; an illusion. It is creepy to think about how good they were at fooling you with their acting skills.
not sure if it is weird but my narc hates when I stare back at him when he is in a rage. Says I am bucking up to him.
I am screamed at or threatened to lower my gaze. Even when I say that it is how I listen to the speaker.
Mirroring back shows them who they truly are. Yes only do this if you can stand firm and not become afraid and able to follow through. No violence and no physical conflict though. You don’t need a law suit or to go to jail as he would love that his provocations have been a success and you lost it.
Right Big Bug like eye contact… so fake .. so empty… ; )
HG Tudor
As an, I assume, diagnosed narcissist, I wonder if you could answer my query? Do you believe it possible to be a narcissist yet still have empathy & care for another’s well-being?
After months of reading & research I’ve realised that I have nearly all of the traits of a typical narcissistic, plus the unfortunate abuse that naturally leads a child to adopt such a persona. Yet I also consider myself an empath: I can read another’s body language & understand, even feel, their torment as my own. I was diagnosed with DID & years ago & have two personalities, from what I’m aware of.
No. We do not have empathy, under than cognitive empathy which is used to further deceive.
If you can feel their torment as your own, that is emotional contagion and you would not be a narcissist.
I remember the seductive stare well. At first I wasn’t able to hold eye contact very long, it was too intense, like everything else about him.
He laughed asking why I couldn’t look at him, as I giggled and looked away.
No one has ever looked at me like that. It felt like he was staring into my soul.
I should have known then.
As time passes, I think about him less and less. However, there are days that I miss him like it was yesterday.
Hello Mr, HG Tudor, i was curious about this
I know that narcissist don’t feel sex, its just a tool for securing and fueling. Similarly they don’t feel the lyrics of the music. they just use it as tools to give feelings to the victims so that victims feels happy therefore giving them positive fuel. Do they feel the lyrics when they are being wounded like when their supply escape, at that time do they feel the lyrics of the song? or when missing the old supply listing to breakup song does it remind them to hover them?
We feel the physical sensation of sex but yes sex is used as a tool for manipulation and fuel. Listening to music will cause somebody to enter the sixth sphere of influence and cause a Hoover Trigger.
What if your narcissist was a musician? I feel strongly that the person I am talking about is a Covert/ Vulnerable Narcissist. Although some songs from his past he would avoid, I guess cause triggers, he was able to enjoy and feel songs we created or heard. He also wrote some lyrics and poems. But he had all the traits of a covert. Can’t there be exceptions when it comes to music?
Music still amounts to a hoover trigger for a narcissist even when the narcissist is a musician.
I’ve been watching Dexter lately from Season 1 and find it very interesting. His father understood his disorder from childhood and instead of punishing him, he helped guide him, honing his craft in a more ‘beneficial’ constructive manner. I understand its Hollywood’s glamorization of psychopathy but strangely enough, Dexter’s character is very endearing and loveable (well to me). His stare is not with malice. It is more that of a child with extreme curiosity of the world around him.
What do you think Mr. Tudor? What if your way of being was embraced from childhood? What if you had someone who understood you and helped channel your abilities in a positive manner? Do you still think you would have such anger and hate?
Probably not Love.
Thank you. Do you think it is possible to train a sociopath/psychopath to utilize their skills in a positive manner? I imagine they would do well in solving both blue and white collar crimes.
I think one might be able to with sufficient reward being offered.
His eyes, I loved the most… large, sparkling and bright… sometimes with a boyish wit about them… or impatient with desire… sometimes, you could see the sadness… I would hold his gaze, hypnotised, nothing else mattered.
At the parting, they turned completely neutral, which was quite shocking. I never saw the blackened, evil stare people talk about… he was not malignant. I have seen that stare directed at me by others, and I always stare right back! They don’t like that 😀
I’ve seen all the stares, he did the robotic stare once when we were out of town..him driving of course, a different person, nothing was there.. He also stares at me then afterwards say I can’t sense nothing from you and I say me neither
thanks again H.G for the teaching….lessen learned👍
It was the stare and the silent treatment that led me to you, HG. I remember running into my ex and his then wife years after we graduated. He couldn’t take his eyes off of me, and the stare was so piercing and intense. He didn’t even care that his wife was next to him. (And he had triangulated her with the memory of me, so I assume he was killing two birds with one stone.) I remembered that look for years. Fast forward to last January, when we had our first “date,” and saw each other for the first time in 20 years. Again, he couldn’t take his eyes off of me. It was unnerving and made me completely uncomfortable, even though I believe he wanted me to think it was loving. I even got up to go to the bathroom, and his eyes followed me the entire way. When I came back, he had turned in his seat to watch the door (which was behind him), and watched every second of my return. I was on stage for years, and am generally not uncomfortable with being “seen,” but something about it unnerved me and stayed. There was something predatory in that look. I thought I was crazy and sought answers. Thank you for writing this.
He still gives me the cold blank stare whenever he picks up or drops off the kids. I never know what he’s thinking… And the malice stare that sends chills down my spine I will never forget. Especially just trying to figure out what the hell it was that I did to deserve that stare…
“Time slowed and then stood still, your skin tingled from the experience of this tantalising stare. Your breath caught in your lungs, your face seemed to flush and the wave of addiction washed across you, sending a shiver up and down your spine, around your neck and twisting your stomach”
HG, this is the same description I would use for how I still sometimes feel, even now, 10 months after being discarded, but now it’s a sick, awful and demented feeling. It’s images and memories of times when he used to stare at me, making me believe his gazes were due to his true expression of love, which still makes it difficult for me to get him out of my head completely.
His eyes were certainly a powerful addiction that I still, at times, miss very much. However, now I’m conveying that depth of love towards myself, and through my own eyes, I might add.
Oh, THE STARE!!!
I told the ex-MN that, before anything ever happened between us, I used to hate making eye contact with him, but only when we talked about anything other than work. If it was work related, I could stare in his eyes just as much as he stared into mine, but only during those times. I told him, I seriously felt as though he was looking right through me and was actually reading my mind. Once we got together, I couldn’t stop staring into his eyes. His eyes were definitely one of his ultimate weapons, in all arenas. I’ve seen his eyes fire daggers at a of few his employees, as well as with me, and towards his wife, if he felt like she was coming to intrude in his spotlight. I can only imagine the evil she’s seen coming through his eyes over the last 18 years. When he tried giving me the baleful glare during the few times he was upset with me, that’s when my Supernova would kick into gear and I would balefully glare right back at him. Of course, I was always the one breaking the stare first, but it didn’t stop me from feeling just as powerful. I felt powerful because I knew that, in that moment, he knew he wasn’t able to control me.
I also remember the first time he put his reading glasses on. He put them on, holding them just beneath his eyes, and, oh my hell, he looked so damn sexy. Unfortunately, I made the mistake (didn’t know that then, but sure as hell do now) of telling him so. At that point, whenever I went into his office to visit with him, he’d put the glasses on. I just assumed it was because he needed to read something, which he did, but it was all in the way he would look at me just before he started reading. He would tilt his head down, while lifting his dark eyes, and just stare at me. At times, I thought to myself, “okay, I’m over it, now”, but of course I never told him that. (NOTE to you HG – DO NOT overdo the glasses – haha).
“If it was work related, I could stare in his eyes just as much as he stared into mine”
That’s exactly how it felt for me too, BraveHeart. I am shy, and would not seek to engage with strangers. But if it is work-related, it is okay to talk, smile and be pleasant. You do not give away anything about yourself, as it is not personal. So, eye-contact would be fine.
Guess what the narc also did? He put on perfume right before visiting… yes, that’s right… on purpose, and just for me… he smelled so, so good, you naturally wanted to come closer! How cheeky is that?! 😀 … I can laugh about it all now!
Hahaha, Matilda, mine made sure his hair was sprayed into perfect position. I’m not shy and can pretty much make eye contact with anyone. In fact, I’m able to watch people as they walk towards me (as they look to the ground the entire time, passing by without as much as a glance), just in case they look at me and, if so, then I will smile and say hi. But when I was being preyed upon (not knowing it at the time), his were the only eyes I could not look at, unless, as I said, it was work related. It’s definitely crazy making that I, too, can chuckle at now. 🙂
Mine had impeccable manners and knew better than to stare in this intrusive manner, BraveHeart… Onwards and upwards! 🙂
Same with mine, Matilda. Often, when we’d go out to eat (if it required a fork and knife), I’d find myself worrying about whether or not I was using proper etiquette. Now that I’m getting back to my good ole self, I say, who gives a fuck 🤣
Onwards and Upwards to you, as well.
Tapas all the way!
Azure eyes 👀
You remind me of Hannibal who goes around killing who goes around killing various kinds of cereals he doesn’t like.
Forget it, I change my mind!
I saw the neutral stare 70% of the time. He would have a blank, empty, cold, unemotional, distant stare. I just thought he was a little different.
OK, I will talk about my experience with the short-lived interaction. He was getting ready to shave and was at the sink with the water running. He stopped and came into the bedroom and I was sitting on the bed and he stood there and did the “stare.” I did not give him the response he was looking for? I asked what’s wrong, he said “I just have to look at you,” I said “Fine, but you left the water running.” I could tell it threw him off and I actually found it creepy.
I don’t mind if someone looks at me when I am not looking. I can feel it. I am the one who gives the disgusted stare. I give the silent stare. This is not only a trait of a narc.
IMHO
Again, you have described the narcissist who refuses to leave me alone (I marvel at his perseverance.) perfectly. Yes, the stare was like making love to me with his eyes. I always held myself back from being alone with him, because there was something about him that made no sense. I could not put my finger on it. He had a difficult time trying to have a conversation with me. There was no way in Hell that I was going to demean myself and chase after him and beg him to talk to me. I have a life. I refuse to run after any man…….please, if you want me, you will have to run after me. He stared, followed, and stalked, but to be honest, if that’s all he had to try to seduce me, then that meant he had nothing to offer. I saw earlier on that he may have been scholarly, but he lacked originality. I believe that a man and woman should love one another for the sake of God. My beloved is God. There is nothing in the universe more powerful or beautiful than He is. I think that’s why I was able to see through the narcissist. Because God is my focus & I happily chase after Him ( so incredibly and unbelievably rewarding ) , the narcissist is completely revealed and whatever he accuses me of at work goes back on to him.
I am never cruel to him with my words or demeanor. I genuinely hope he becomes a kind and loving man. I just refuse to engage.
I don’t care if I never fall in love, my beloved is God and I never feel alone or scared. I am not trying to impose my beliefs on anyone, I am just sharing how I have overcome the narcissist. I believe there is a life after this world and I am working hard towards God. It has been the most rewarding journey despite the fact that it has been excruciating. I am amazed at how He makes everything fall beautifully into place that was once painfully difficult for me.
Your voice and your writing has helped me immensely. I guess God guided me to your YouTube channel. Somehow, your writing has caused me to work through a lot of pain in my past.
I wish you love and peace, HG.
Thank you Tanya.
Get a nice dull machete at Walmart
You might as well just slay me right here, and now, M. Tudor! You do so slowly, every day, anyway!
No wonder we are left in a state of confusion, anger, pain, cognitive dissonance, dizziness, suicidal ideation, and horror!
Yes, a different person. A completely different person as if he has Multiple Personality Disorder. He even said entirely different things from day to day. His integrity was Zero; nonexistent. The “person” who existed on day 1,2,3, and 4 was entirely forgotten and nonexistent on days 5, 6, 7, and 8. His promises and very essence were founded on utter nothingness. He was a blank slate anytime it served his convenience. Natural laws did not apply to him. Humanity was not in his vocabulary. Fairness did not float around anywhere in his dozing-off moments.
Hallo Yay 4 Yunicorns,
I believe you are right. It is some kind of Multiple Personality Disorder, but not fully developed. There is still one core/nucleus inside of him. (I do not find the fitting English word for it.)This kernel is empty, because his kernel was ignored, denied and deserted, abandoned, when he was a child. His kernel was attacked by the people who should have protected him. Everything, the little child did, was wrong. So, there is no self-confident and no orientation. The only thing, which could not be deleted by his aggressors was his strong will to survive. So he has a big EGO. (I want, I want, I want) . And he changes his outside personalities to get what he wants. I saw “my” narc changing his personality completely. He was suddenly his father, talking with the same voice, the same gestures, the same vocabulary, the same body language. There stood his father in front of me. It was not frightening, but a very strange situation. It was only about two minutes, then he had himself under control. Later I recognized it sometime. They steal sentences including the tone/ sound of other persons and repeat them in order to get what they want. They copy other persons. H.G. mentioned it somewhere a little bit hidden. If they try to do a hoover, they repeat one or two of your last sentences you said to him. They tell you, what you have said to them. You think, it is their opinion and you feel appreciated and it feels so well- known. Of course it is like that, because you listen to your own words. Be careful, if someone uses the same sentences, that you do normally. It is a hint, that you stand in front of a sociopath. They use this kind of manipulation to connect with you, to persuade you. This is my theory.
My ex-narc stared at me in the very beginning, and whenever he tried to re-ensnare me – like in a “loving” way. He told me that his ex-“love” had not been able to look him into the eyes, and for that reason he had refused to become intimate with her.
No idea if it’s true.
But he changed his look, his personality, too, then!! It is as if he had two faces entirely … when he stared at me and sucked me in, it was much softer, mouth half open, more wrinkles/lines … he looked more like his mother then (on her pictures, I never met her in person).
I had some very similar experiences growing up, but will not elaborate as this is HG’s Blog, and not my own. But, I do understand what you are saying. Thank you for your comment, Mona 🦋🦋🦋
Just before the ex-MN discarded me, he started growing his hair out. He’s 52, which tells me now, he was probably changing his look for the new prospect in his life. Probably a much younger prospect.
I had a weirder experience, when the narc learned about my extremely right-wing father and began talking like him, and even behaving with a similar type of incoherence, whereas before this narc had been emulating a very debonair liberal guy (in fact all the years I had known him)
And I didn’t really realize I was giving “the stare” until my mother told me “Don’t look at me like that”.
“You may have caught the occasional malicious glance from us, just a flash of hatred, but that is something else. Those glimpses were warnings which could only be used for an instant to avoid detection by third parties and the fracturing of the façade. This is a stare.”
I have seen that kind of stare not by him, but by a young man, who tried to impress me. I just went very, very close to him and asked him quietly: Shall I understand that as a threat? And then smiled in his face, looked straight in his eyes. He went backwards. A year later, when he lost his job in our company because of theft, he came to me and said Good bye to me. Very friendly. I did not understand that at that time, but afterwards, it seemed to be some kind of crazy respect. Later I heard he was arrested because of mayhem.
Very, very good advice. It’s a good way to deal with a seductive “glare” because it disarms it without one appearing to be submissive.
OMG. The post discard stare, was just that! It was a remorseful, kinda, hopeful, kind of longing stare. What happens when you look away, and don’t actively engage for the full length of the stare?