Try Walking In My Shoes
I always wake before you. This allows me to slip into the en suite and lock the door and deal with the horror of confronting another day without you seeing me endure this daily ritual. Already I can feel the hunger rising as I stare at my reflection. Is this what I have become? The bleary-eyed, stubbled, exhausted creature that gazes unwaveringly back at me. No, I do not recognise that thing. How old it looks. The lips are thin, the hair thinning and clumped. Its shoulders rounded and slumped in resignation. I feel refreshed from a solid night’s sleep yet whatever is looking back at me does not accord with that feeling. The fear crawls across my skin and I rub at myself trying to dislodge that cold grip but it never works. The inner dread rises as I contemplate another day at the grindstone trying to piece together what I am, that long arduous task which never gets easier. In point of fact, the task becomes more difficult with each passing month as my advancing age screams at me about my mortality. How that banshee tortures me as she howls in my ears about my waning powers. I feel the tears welling as every injustice I have ever suffered is heaped on my shoulders by an uncaring and oblivious world. Does it not see my pain or does it just not care?
My mobile phone is clutched in my hand. I rarely let it leave my side and I place it on the counter besides the sink and then grip the counter as I continue to look at my reflection. My knuckles whiten as I fight the urge to scream at how empty I feel, how bereft I am and how this is so damn unfair. I try to wrench my gaze away but I cannot. I am entranced by what I see. I do not recognise this person. Where has that shock of white come from in the hair above the left temple? That is not me. Its skin looks dry as if it has been subjected to the dehydrating suction of some foul shade that visited in the night. The horror continues to escalate and it is only the chime of my ‘phone which breaks this terrible appreciation of the thing in the mirror.
Grateful for this interruption I shift my eyes to the ‘phone and see that a message has arrived from one of my coterie of admirers, Samantha. The pilot light inside of me flares into life and there is the slightest surge as the fuel begins to flow. I should wait until I have showered but the hunger is too great already and it must be addressed. I open the text message and like a starving man being given his first meal after fasting I devour the words of admiration.
“Good morning handsome, I missed you last night, I will call you when you are at work xxx”
The flame increases in size and strength as I close the message and smile .I turn on the shower letting the stream of water heat up as I flick to the texts that Samantha sent last night whilst I sat on the settee preoccupied with my activity of flitting between her texts and a conversation I was engaging in with a new prospect on facebook. I re-read a handful of the texts from Samantha with their declarations of admiration for me and I feel my strength returning. I put the phone down and step into the shower and relish the hot embrace of the jets of water. The fear has shrunk away and the dread sensation has been pushed back down. I liberally apply the shower gel, enjoying the sophisticated scent as I use a different product on my face, scrubbing away the dead cells and then another to cleanse and wash. I turn the taps and the water stops. I reach for a thick towel and pat my face dry feeling rejuvenated. As I stood beneath the purifying water my keen mind raced whilst I formed my machinations for the day. Always plotting and always scheming. The prospective fuel that will be garnered from the new sources that I am pursuing coupled with the dose of triangulation I will involve you in is causing me to feel excited and powerful. I pick up a bath sheet and admire the toned nature of my body as I dry myself and embark on the next stage of my preparation for the day by shaving and brushing my teeth.
A little while later my phone has chimed again and this time it is a colleague wanting to arrange lunch as he wants my advice since I am an expert on a particular topic he has to present on. The flame inside rises higher now and this spurs on my delinquent mind to consider additional ways to garner that oh so precious fuel during the day. The hunt for fuel is unending. The craven hunger that rumbles inside of me cries out for it and it is my sole preoccupation. The beast inside must be fed. Yet, now I am feeling strong. I haven’t applied my after shave and already two admirers have seen fit to worship at my altar and the games have not even yet to be played. But they will. I reach for the fragrance and splash it into my cupped hands and apply it to my neck as I look to the mirror. The handsome me has returned. The piercing blue eyes shine, the tousled, shiny locks of hair await the application of some wax to style them, the unblemished skin and close shave accentuate my chiselled good looks. I flash that winning smile as another surge of power flows through me. God I look good.
I return to the bedroom, ‘phone in hand and find you have now risen and I can hear the sounds of movement in the kitchen downstairs as you prepare breakfast as you always do. You will shortly bring me a mug of fresh coffee but I think I will complain that it is not hot enough and criticise you, just to see if I can provoke a reaction from you. It should not be too hard, I know precisely what to say. I notice the bed has not been made and rather than attend to it and help you, when you pass me my coffee with a ‘Good morning’ and a smile, I will cock my head towards the dishevelled heap and tut. Ah, yes, the master of games knows his stuff. I dress as another text arrives from another friend who wants to organise a golf game and asks for help with his swing, praising my technique. He is after more than assistance with his golf since he wants me to place work with him. He will have to provide me with more fuel yet to even be considered and of course, I will send the work elsewhere since there is someone who will give me something I want in return in a sweeter form and in larger amounts than my golfing chum. Still, the disappointment on his face will no doubt provide me with a hit too.
I can hear you coming up the stairs and I decide I will take a look in the full length mirror since I am fully attired to admire how elegant I look. I dress in a manner which says to anyone who meets me that the first move is mine. I stand and give a contented nod at my statuesque reflection. I look fantastic. I start to smile and then a bolt of anguish shoots through me as the craven creature that first lurked in the bathroom mirror appears. It is only for the briefest of instances but it causes me to exhale. My expensively-dressed self returns and the relief washes over me in an amazing way. The creature has gone again. He does that though. He likes to make fleeting appearances throughout my day to remind me that I must keep finding fuel. My quest for the potent fuel must be at the forefront of my mind at all times. As if on cue, you enter the bedroom, a veritable reservoir of fuel. You greet me as I cock my head to the unmade bed and tut. I feel the rush of power as your smile evaporates and you look crestfallen. The games have begun and my day is off to a great start. I only hope that creature stays away from me.
115 thoughts on “Try Walking In My Shoes”
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WOW. This thread. So many things. I understand the hesitancy, it is probably fear-related at not having control of oneself should there be a “perceived” risk to exposing oneself wholly in front of another. In my opinion, this so-called “project” should be shelved, forever and never done because there is no need to. No need to prove to anyone, not the doctors, especially them! Seriously though, how on earth can another human being actually expect and instruct someone to do that anyway?
Granted this thread is 5 years old. A lot can change in 5 years. I think it has. The prosocial ‘change’ has been significant.
“… you’ll stumble in my footsteps”
We used to listen to this one, my first bf and I. I think ‘One Caress’ with the cellos was my fave. Still amazes me that that welldressed polite rather quiet person is a narcissist. We still have Christmas card contact.
He then lived together with an equally welldressed cute polite narc girl for 17 years. Triangulating each other with their pets. These two people are, besides you HG, the reason I “understand” narcs. They really try to be perfect and kind, and have beautiful superclean Instagram homes. But when push comes to shove, they can only dominate, and monopolize people’s time.
The more I know, the less I understand.
KIT
Stay with us and keep reading. You will.
Thank you, NarcAngel,
this is exactly what I was trying to say. Yes, correct, it is my believe that it’s coming back as long as not looked directly into the eye (you know what I mean).
Well, I was pretty sure, that it was the same … how to put this … line of trauma, not a totally different one. One, that was connected.
Pandora’s box: that’s what my experience with my ex-narc did for me and also what I realized afterwards. I was forced to look at issues and also my narcissistic upbringing as a result. I think I’m better for it. Could have had the same insight earlier if I had been more mindful in the past, could have saved me a lot of pain, probably. The signs were there. From my personal spiritual perspective, I think the universe kind of kicked me in the ass to force me to finally look at the underlying issues.
Deprivation tank: I read somewhere that these methods are ancient methods (used by shamans, freemansons, etc.) to force a new level of awareness.
No, I’m not in therapy, I feel I can’t trust anybody (wonder why that is …). I think if I went to the wrong person that it could do me more harm than good, and there are many too traditional therapists. I had a personal coaching more than a year ago with a NLP master trainer & hypnotist; also had several “systemic constellations”. I think I have a pretty high level of self awareness and as I’ve had several trainings in various mental techniques and in the field of self development, incl. as certified “psychological counselor” (my free translation) and hypnosis coach, I have experienced a number of techniques with other coaches, over time. I work for myself with methods I know by heart by now, or with books and videos of my trusted sources.
It’s always yourself who has to do the work.
AVA101
I read your replies to both myself and to INDY with interest. I think I understand better now why you wanted to undertake this exercise. You felt that your more recent trauma was rooted in something else and wanted to get to that to effect healing instead of always having something fuzzy on the periphery. I have felt that when reviewing an incident-something just out of reach, something else that may have happened and I didnt want to remember any more than what I already knew to be. Thats why the idea of wanting to bring it into sharper focus puzzled me. I viewed it as adding trauma. I think you are saying that until I can do that, the memory will keep coming back because I have not allowed it to play out fully. Is that correct? I am of course resistant to this because I feel that by being able to view it and put it away that it serves as both a warning against that ever happening to me again (indeed when a Narc is acting up I see my StepNarc), and allows me to contain the damage to only what I currently remember. Focus could open a Pandoras box of ……….who knows.
Suffering or unwanted behaviours…. I think I’m pretty awesome to be honest for what I’ve experienced. I don’t lack for people around me-they are drawn to me and some will say they dont know why, but most do say I use logic over emotion and that I can seem cold or too detached when it comes to personal matters (duh-if they only knew). I feel like they feed off of my strength and I need to be by myself quite often to recharge. My nephew went into a deprivation tank recently (just to experience it -not as any type of therapy) and I wondered what thoughts I would have. Then through discussions here on the blog I wondered about these different types of therapies and this getting in touch kept coming up so I thought I’d ask. MATILDA was kind enough to respond as well. Very interesting reading and viewpoints. Thank you for taking the time. Are you in therapy presently with professionals, or is it strictly your own investigative methods and techniques now?
ANYONE
I can see the isolation project for HG in possibly addressing the self-fuelling so that he does not need to affect others negatively, but what do these processes of getting in touch with your inner child accomplish? You can bring things forward in your mind that you’ve spent years dulling down the pain and memory on to make it more palatable, but you cannot change the outcome. This has always seemed like being traumatized again but to what end? I already know what happened. What are the benefits?
Hi NarcAngel,
You cannot change what happened, but you CAN change your perception of what happened by willingly going back. A child cognitively processes experiences differently than an adult would. There are feelings of guilt for what happened as well as shame. Children tend to believe they deserved it. They are often told that it was their fault.
By returning to your inner child, you are *reframing* what happened, armed with the awareness of an adult. You are silencing those voices within that have haunted you for as long as you can remember. That’s what it is all about, that is where the healing takes place!
The feelings associated with a memory do not leave you anyway, no matter how hard you try to run from them. That is why people drink two bottles of wine every night, take drugs, have random sexual encounters… all to numb themselves, at least temporarily.
It does hurt very much to open old wounds. But the release of all those emotions you have been holding back for so long, the *freedom* that comes from being completely honest with yourself, outweighs any pain you felt in the beginning. You wipe the slate clean, and give yourself the chance to start anew! A dull ache will remain, but it does not have power over you anymore.
MATILDA
Thank you very much for responding. Great point-I agree that you can process things differently with additional information or the passage of time and that could cause a shift in thinking. I am and have always been clear that I did not deserve it and have no guilt or shame so I always viewed it as a sadistic and voyeuristic exercise for someone to want me to relive it when I had sufficiently detached from it. It does not cause me pain now-it is just a memory (like a movie). I think if I did that now it would just ignite the anger in me and damage any interaction I have been able to salvage due to the detachment I have effected. I can see your point though for those who may carry guilt and shame and I thank you for taking the time to explain your view.
Ah, I see, NarcAngel. Based on your description, I think that you have processed events and detached well enough not to need any more intervention. 🙂
MATILDA
Do you really think that I have processed and detached enough, or did I picture you throwing your hands up and declaring me hopeless after my response? Lol, its ok you can tell me if thats the case-Im not fragile and I am open to your thoughts. Thats why I asked the question to begin with. You did remind me that an incident viewed now with an adult mindset can appear the same but evoke a different feeling which is something I have offered someone else but did not apply it to my own experiences until recently. That is an important consideration so thank you for that. Did you go through this process? If so, what method did you use?
NarcAngel,
I am sorry for the late reply, I overlooked your comment. I would not say something if I did not mean it. 🙂
The way you stated it, I was/am sure that you had found your manner of dealing with it… and that is excellent!
Yes, I went through it, without using any specific method. I had reached a point where the anger was eating me alive, and I knew that I needed to do something… anger points to the wound which you do not want to examine… talking about it would not have helped… writing, reading, watching others talk about their ordeals helped… and asking questions to understand the personal history of those who hurt you, to understand why they did it, to see that they were victims in one way or another, to realise that they did not have the ability for self-reflection and did not really know what harm they had caused. So, I learned to forgive some of them… and I feel more at peace with myself now than I have ever been. 🙂
HI MATILDA
Ha. I thought you were trying out no contact on me which I would understand as Im not exactly everybodys cup of tea. Yes, I found a way to deal but its not exactly using any traditional methods lol. Day to day Im not living with anger or hurt that makes me want to lash out and I have not lived with an abuser recently so my situation is different than a lot of people on here. But I have found hearing other peoples stories and coping methods has been very interesting and I think healing in some way that I cant exactly put my finger on. Im glad that you have been able to soothe your anger and are feeling more peace. I do truly want that for people who want it for themselves and that may sound strange and its hard to believe, but I recognize that is not really what everyone wants. Or at least not right now. Its easier to see some peoples issues and the possible solutions when youre standing outside of it and its hard to not be able to help and to watch them repeating the struggle but I keep coming here and learning and talking to interesting people like you and trying on different categories (including overly hopeful lol) and watch to see where it leads me. Im glad to have met you.
Hi NarcAngel,
‘No contact’ is reserved for the smug ones who need to be taught a lesson! Not for you, you’re alright 🙂
Yes, removing the source of anger is the best move one can make.
For me, listening to others validates my feelings. You realise that you are not crazy. It also puts my sufferings into perspective, as you count your blessings, knowing it could have been so much worse! And I am inspired by the way others have dealt with it. The funny thing is that I saw the danger looming in their stories, and I would have been able to give sound advice, yet I could not -or did not want to- see what lay ahead for me.
Yes, I agree, you need to want to find peace. It takes time and a lot of soul searching with regard to what you contributed to your misfortune and WHY. Not everyone is willing to go there. It is easier to stay in ‘victim mode’ and blame everyone else. This is NOT to say that victims were to blame for the predator’s actions, far from it! But victims need to be very clear about the reasons why it happened, and what they need to do differently if faced with a similar situation in the future. Otherwise, history will repeat itself! It is hard enough to be on your guard when you know why you are drawn to these types, but impossible to be safe if you are clueless.
‘Overly hopeful’…. I laughed out loud reading your additional categories. I also enjoy interacting with you and all others on this site. There is much to be learned from one another! 🙂
I do not want Mr. Tudor to go to this self-imposed prison. 😪 I won’t be able to send letters.
As for my inner child. I have no idea where that kid is. Perhaps she is on the forefront because I truly don’t want responsibility and I want to play all the time. However, a little issue called having a roof over my head and food prevents me from giving the little girl full reign. Otherwise, I would give her the keys to the convertible, while I chill in the backseat smoking a fat joint, as she’s speeding down the wrong side of a 2 lane windy road on top of a cliff.
Hi Love,
I think you let your inner child play here a lot! It is acknowledging her, loving her and nurturing her. We do not have to give in to her at the adults detriment, just be sure to nurture her in fun things outside of work 🙂 Yesterday, for example, I was so tired of all these political things going down and the state of our country that I decided to meet with friends for some drinks, laughs, and discuss adventures not related to work or politics. Some of our adventures give a nod to our inner children. And some, involve some teen aged rebellion too. And we will return to our day jobs after our adventures (LOL). I think you can keep your home and job and still be a shinning sun of youth. You do so here 🙂
Don’t worry about HG, he knows how to take care of himself well. He will not do anything he is not curious about himself and is not forced to do anything he does not wish to do. The isolation thing is actually really good challenge for him, to test himself. He will be OK. He will be in a cozy place, I am sure, just no contact with people or substances (if you sneak wine in there, HG, I am telling! ;). I am envisioning a lovely place in the country with nothing but him, the comforts of his home, and food. I do wonder if they will remove books and TV though….hmmm…However, I do not see stark walls or locked doors.
LOVE and INDY
I envision the following scenario for HG:
He will rise after a well rested 4 hour sleep and look into the mirror he has fashioned out of individual pieces of mica in the sand. Leave the hut he has persuaded the flying monkeys to construct for him from the most exotic woods on the Island to go out and charm the coconuts off of the trees while Parrots repeat “All hail HG-Lord of all” and lizards simultaneously burst into tears. When they arrive to retrieve him after the project he will claim to have invented camping, discovered the Island itself, and charge them with trespassing.
Very good, made me smile. Pretty accurate as well.
HG, i am very worried about this isolation project. My ex is undergoing self isolation due to depression (caused by low fuel levels), and is facing many problems. His once sky high self esteem has plummetted to dangerous lows. He thinks he does not belong in this world, and that he is in a movie and will be run over by a car. His perception of the world is gravitating further from reality. He is facing memory loss and is forgetting little things, like his keys, and may be locked out of his home. He is making mistakes at work. He refuses to look at himself in the mirror anymore, not liking what he sees, and he no longer takes selfies (used to take hundreds). This is a highly motivated, highly ambitious, driven, hard-working person with a successful career and great looks. Yet the creature brings this out in him. I therefore worry about you HG. I don’t want to discourage you, as everybody is different. Self-fuelling would be ideal, but from what i have witnessed in my ex, it is producing negative consequences. I know you will take care of yourself, since you are an adult, but only your body is grown. As you know, narcs actually have the mind of a child. Please be within reach of the good doctors, in case you need out.
Thank you for your concern PANA there will be appropriate mechanisms put in place as a result of discussion with the good doctors.
LMAO NA!! Indeed, he discovered it all!! Those flying monkeys, hehe
INDY
Glad to hear you got out of your fuzzy socks and had some fun. Happy Birthday to you and AHOH this month whenever it may be. Also I believe your road trip and march is soon. More fun is ahead.
Aww thanks NA!
AhOh and I share a birthday month?? Mine is next woot!!
Yep, leaving for the big DC adventure road trip and march next week!
INDY
Ooops! Maybe it was SNOW that had a Jan birthday. I thought AHOH did too as I remember thinking she was giving herself a bday present in going away. Maybe I got that wrong (but the Narc side of me says thats impossible-that she has just forgotten when her bday is).
NA,
Ha! maybe all three of us are Capricorns….woo hoo lol
Happy Birthday Snow and AhOh!!!!
Mr. Tudor, will you allow for conjugal visits on your private island? I’m sure you will, because of good behavior.
You will need to have a few prison fights just to keep things interesting.
Indy, thank you for saying that. Now I won’t feel guilty when I occasionally partake in life’s debaucheries. It is all for my inner rebellious teenage self. You are welcome, Me.
I think the concept of a conjugal visit would fly in the face of the concept of isolation Love.
Wonderful Mr. Tudor. I did not see a ‘not’ in your statement. Thank you for giving the green light ”would fly” about conjugal visits. Please add my name in advance to the list. I shall write to you every day and visit you as much as possible!
Er, a not wasn’t required given the content of what I wrote.
HG
Haha, I guess Narcs arent the only ones who see things as they desire and not as they actually are. Kudos LOVE- you stole one of his traits.
Oh Mr. Tudor, you know English is not my native language. I can only go with literal meanings. And my own interpretations 😁
That is fair enough. your English is very good.
Lol NarcAngel, it was my trait to begin with! He got it from me 😉
Thank you for the kind words Mr. Tudor.
Your English is fab! What is your first language, Love?
🎂 Happy Birthday in advance Indy! I believe you and Snow share birthdays this month.
Thank you for saying that Indy. I have been told I have a bit of an accent. But I have spent most of my years in the States. I would love to tell you what my first language is in private. I cannot reveal too much on the blog.
Thank you Love!
Oh, I completely understand and no need to share if it outs your confidentiality. I am cool. And, you have excellent skills in English!! I would have never known in writing it was not native for you 🙂
Happy Birthday Snow too 🙂
Thank you Indy! MTV taught me English lol.
NARCANGEL:
When you manage to bring forward repressed traumatic memories, which had been stored in a non-accessible place in subconsciousness, your conscious mind can then process it in a normal way and store it as any other non-disturbing memory. It would not be stressful anymore, it would find it’s place among all the other memories.
When you experience trauma, it’s a very short moment of “learning”: your brain rewires itself in seconds, and shuts off the threat. It is literally shut off in your brain. This happens as a basic protection, so you can act in the threatening situation itself, not bothered by that traumatic event. This is very good at that particular moment.
But it becomes a problem later on, when the danger has passed. You never had a chance to process that memory. But as has been said, it does surface and effect you nonetheless, but outside your control.
In regard to “inner child”: the experience didn’t grow up with you. Example:
I had a hypnosis session after many years of trying to access my original trauma (there might be other situations I’m not aware of yet). What I saw in hypnosis through my eyes as a very small child was a scene, where my (narcissistic) father was raging at my mother. That frightened me to death as a small child. It WAS a cause of life and death: Small children or babies experience such situations differently, as they ARE completey dependent on their parents for survival.
So, the outcome when dealing with childhood trauma is that you can process it consciously and your neuronal paths change in fact again. As narcissists seem to be (are notorious for) rather therapy-resistant (…), I have never heard anything about if this is working for them.
There are methods where you take your “inner child” and this experience with you while visualizing that you progress along your time line back to your adult current self. Letting the child grow up. Some people react in specific situations automatically like they did in a similar situations when little. This is supposed to be changed this way: you go back into the experience as a child, give the child what it needs then, and then you let it grow up. So, your response to the experience will not be one of a little child anymore, and it also triggers much less stress. It should become a faint memory like any other.
Isolation: I guess this is a special context or case. I only know about isolation and the effect on non-narcissistic people. It is done as a deprogramming method. A very effective one. You must destroy before you can rebuild.
Some people are in fact alone in a dark room for days doing that.
When you had become aware of a disturbing memory before and have truly dissociated (detached) from it, it should not come back because of isolation. But you sound like there’s more work to be done on your part. “Dulling down” doesn’t do, you need to process it properly.
I did by myself: EMDR, NLP fast phobia (works also for trauma if you remember the situation), meditation. You can also talk or write about it forever, but that takes a lot longer.
AVA!!!
I am debating on learning how to do EMDR and other trauma reprocessing techniques. How helpful was it? Would love to hear, if you wish to share!
AVA101
Thank you for responding. I can access traumatic memories at will, bring them forward, and they are also triggered by everyday sights, sounds, etc. i don’t feel stress-it just is what was. It is like watching a movie clip and then is returned to its compartment. When I refer to dulling it down I mean that I never felt the need to sharpen focus to allow for anymore trauma than I already recognize in that moment. Why would I want to add to what is already present? You say that during hypnosis you accessed a repressed scene. How was that helpful to you? I see that as adding further trauma-not healing (in my case- not making judgement on your feeling about it).
Parents for survival. Yes. What I needed then was a Mother who was present as an adult. I did not and I cannot change that. Recently though as HG has been explaining things from his view, I find when I review an incident I can better identify StepNarcs possible motive and review my response. I am shocked to learn that despite being so young that I was actually responding in the proper way (manipulating him) when I really should have had no concept of that. Yes I made mistakes too but I reason that I was a child and did what I could. Sure, a lot of feelings have been replaced with logic and reason which causes me to appear cold to some, but its because when a a problem is identified, I assume logic is required (and desired) to solve it because I see that emotion considerably hinders peoples ability to do so. I admit with the cold weather right now I could probably use a warm Island and some isolation but I will continue to read and consider the methods you and others suggest as I find them interesting and thank you for taking the time.
Indy!!! 🙂 The longest post ever, just for you. 🙂
Everything I mentioned was helpful! 🙂
EMDR for processing (and re-discovering repressed) memories:
People say that one should use an EMDR certified therapist, but I just did some reading on the topic. I read about the basic ideas by the lady who had developed it. Then I made a list with my “milestone”-memories, … The idea is, to find the earliest memory possible (related to the specific problem of course) and then go from there, using the eye movement technique. After having experimented with a pen, I just used a YouTube video. Worked fine.
If you work with childhood memories, older memories can resurface. If you’re not practiced in using any techniques for “self-control” when such traums resurface, I would indeed recommend to do it with a therapist.
I also used just the eye movement technique for specific traumatic memories and also unwanted memories of every kind, but especially for the most vexing ones from my narc-relationship – the moments of abuse.
EMDR is for processing memories, which had not been properly consciously processed before.
EMDR helped me when lying in bed for a whole month with PTSD.
Writing: I found writing for me most helpful for grief, and for things that still confused me. E. g. I grieved for the loss of my love, relationship, etc.
Fast Phobia cure for diminishing the impact and not re-living it anymore (also for anxiety of course):
invented by Richard Bandler, who is the best coach and trainer I ever had the honor to meet and watch! Fast Phobia works with trauma, too, if you have a specific memory. I used it for memories of situations of abuse. And also for beautiful memories of the golden period, I didn’t want to have any more. It works of course for all kinds of anxieties, too. The important part is that you dissociate yourself from the memory. Most people remember traumatic situations in an associated state (being in that situation again), which makes it so stressful.
I can hardly remember now the worst moments. Most importantly, I don’t re-live them anymore, I don’t feel the pain anymore. I remember faint memories, like it’s long, long over and not important at all.
I also noticed, I can’t remember the middle name of my ex-narc anymore … Only problem is, that you have to do it for every single memory. So it might take some time. As there are techniques that can dissolve several blockages in one session, there might be coaches who could help you more rapidly.
For memories of all kinds that you wish to deminish, use the Swish technique. You exchange the pictures in your mind with better ones. You make the unwanted ones small, grey, very far away.
I also used the same process for forgetting things he said to me … making his voice faint, … adding some funny music … you will find these techinques in any basic NLP literature under modalities.
I recommend to read something by R. Bandler, e. g. Get the life you want, or Use your Brain for a Change.
There are NLP techniques out there that work with repressed memories, with stuff you don’t remember. They work on the unconscious level. But I can’t remember the names of these tools right now. In your area you might have a good chance to find someone who has learned from Richard Bandler directly.
Meditation for processing and rewiring:
I had the best Raja Yoga (= meditation) teacher ever, from Brahma Kumaris. I did other types of meditation before that, like guided meditations. I think any true meditation technique will help with time. It is proven that meditation rewires your brain, too. It’s not important, if its Zen meditation, or Buddhist mindfulness. Raja Yoga (as Brahma Kumaris teaches it, classic Raja Yoga is a bit different) concentrates more on the direct contact to a higher source.
It actually worked pretty fast for me, I had my lessons while having a break from my ex-narc, and it took a lot of pain, made me let go, and forgive. I love the videos by Anthony Strano, I had the honour to meet him in person, too, and he was another person that deeply impressed me, a true spiritual teacher.
I learned in India also the “Who am I” meditation, this might help to detach yourself. You find that one too on the internet.
Hypnosis was more a trauma recovery:
I discovered a memory I didn’t have at all anymore in normal consciousness. The technique for the healing of the trauma my coach used was the common NLP time line technique as described before: giving the child in your memory what it needs and then letting it grow up. I used later EMDR on that, too. You might find a hypnotist who specializes in trauma, I would not recommend someone who has no experience with it. In my Hypnosis coaching classes we were adviced not to touch traumas. But I’m sure it can be combined with other techniques, as my coach did (hypnosis plus NLP). Actually, I’ve never thought much about how I would handle a trauma with hypnosis … will do some reading on that.
HG:
🙂 Validation and cognitive therapy, very helpful, too.
AVA!
I am honored for receiving your longest post ever 🙂 and thank you for sharing your journey! I am a professional counselor by trade and do trauma based therapy, primarily stage one trauma work (stabilization) with DBT and mindfulness as my specialty. I am looking at stage 2 and stage 3 trauma processing methods and EMDR has popped up for the great amount of literature and studies behind it. I am so glad it worked for you. I have a colleague in the field that does hypnosis for trauma as well. I am nervous about delving into hypnosis at this time (both personally and professionally) as it is easy to create novel false memories too that are indistinguishable from actual events. I actually went through this in my 20’s while in therapy with a psychodynamic based individual (which I think is a great type of therapy, but she delved dangerously into memories without proper trauma processing training or understanding of mechanisms of memory) and still to this day have no idea if it was true or not. Memory is a tricky thing to work with. I am glad you have great results! So, yes, being careful with who you work with is essential.
I am so glad you found something that worked for you and kudos!
Best on your continued journeys.
NarcAngel:
I didn’t want to add any disturbing memories by recovering them. That’s not what happens (when done properly), it is like any other childhood memory. But it’s a key moment for my development, why I have become like I am. I wanted to understand it.
I also wanted to access the repressed scene because I was sure that the current trauma I experienced (from the narc abuse) had not been strong enough in itself to throw me in a completely disfunctional state. It had been horrible enough, but I just had the feeling, that it had triggered something else in addition. OR: that I had been especially vulnerable. Therefore I wanted to know what it is, so I could process it. To gain some control, I guess.
I also knew from previous hypnosis sessions that there was a dark spot: In this type of hypnosis one is guided through an “inner house” (you visualize it). You are mainly just walking through the rooms.
But they symbolize different people of your family, the kitchen for mother, the living room for father.
My living room was like after a fire or something: ice cold, empty, burned, wasted … horrible. There was a cold fireplace. Papers flying around. An old damaged sofa, not very comfy. Empty shelves.
Most importantly, a picture on the wall. When looked at – nothing but a black, dark mass. I once tried to touch it, my hand went into it … it was shocking and I ended the hypnosis immediately.
The trauma recovery I have already described, happened last year, when I had another one of these hypnosis sessions with a different hypnotist, and I managed to … “jump” into the picture. Down it went … like Alice … And I saw that scene from very early childhood, out of my own eyes … It’s interesting, that this was the first hypnotist that managed to get me there, and he did something different: he went through my emotions …
The point is: it was always there, always lurking inside of me. It certainly affected how I’m conditioned in regard to my own relationship behaviour, how I react, and so on. It’s still hindering.
Yes, when a memory is repressed, it doesn’t seem to trouble you. BUT: It is there. In your unconscious mind and the unconscious is extremely powerful. There is a saying: Never underestimate the power of your unconscious mind. It drives your everyday actions. Such a repressed memory can surface in other forms, it can lead to behaviors, reactions, phobias, … which one cannot explain. I am convinced that trauma healing makes one more “whole”. Integrated. Less split up. It reconnects the neuronal pathways in a good way.
I assume that when someone suffers severe trauma in very early years (or as baby or pre-birth) that this can shut off whole areas of the brain or hinder special types of neuronal connections. But I’m not an expert on this. The question is, if childhood trauma led to any kind of suffering or unwanted behaviors on your side, which you’d prefer not to have.
***
It is also my conviction that one can better deal with what one can see. It’s not so threatening anymore.
We develop patterns in the very first years of our lives, which we repeat again and again. If we don’t change it. And as a grown-up we CAN deal with it consciously.
I wanted to understand what happened during my earliest childhood years, why I became what I am. I want to accept it – and move on.
My ex-narc was my final revelation …
***
No, you can’t change your parents. After I learned that both my parents were narcissistic, I also – strangely enough – developed for the first time in my life some compassion and understanding for them.
I also never had a mother who was there for me emotionally and nurturing, and she also didn’t protect me from my father. She was narcissistic enough in her own right, but I found the enabling of my father worse. HE was the child that got looked after first and foremost, not her own children …
But I very recently was beginning to think that – for a narcissist she didn’t do that bad. 😉
***
I guess the question is, how much it disturbs and hinders you today, how your mother behaved towards you. When you manage to accept it, and if you can develop / compensate what you missed as a child now.
It seems to me that you are on a good way, “reviewing” as you say. It takes time. Of course it’s not your fault how you coped as a child!
Interesting actually how you describe this.
And you are right that my emotions can hinder me, too, considerably. I would gladly give some of them away.
*haha*, yes, a warm island would be nice. It just changed here from lots of snow to heavy rain. I personally enjoy isolation, there’s a lot to explore (should turn the computer off, though).
HG & INDY:
Indy: Thank you for directing my thoughts in that direction, I talked to a hypnotist on the phone today who seems to have superior insight and also experience with trauma (therapy); and who is not only up to date on latest neuro science (and the effects of trauma as well as meditation & hypnosis on the brain) but is also familiar with the narcissistic mind.
HG: Just FYI – He said that yes, he is positive that he could assist a narcissist who has the wish to adapt his behavior; he also seems to be aware of what this implies in full depth. He also doesn’t like modern psycho therapy and classifications. What we keep telling you: you are so much more.
He said that the cause for all of us is trauma in childhood (or baby).
However, he was confident that my neuronal pathways can change back quickly. Yay!
Well, shit, scratch that idea! I just reread my post and thought, there’s no way in hell you’ll be relaxing. Still though, Best of luck to you!!!
Check out the Dominican Republic if you’ve never done so before. Beautiful place to relax! Best of luck to you, HG, when you take on that endeavor!
Sounds like my dream – but not yours. You’re very courageous. 🙂
So, you will be able to speak to the good doctors once in a while when there?
And you will be by the sea, that’s fantastic (soothing).
No I cannot speak to anybody. It is not set in stone yet though.
The isolation or the not-speaking-to-anybody is not set in stone?
I hope you will have the opportunity to do that or something similar!
The methodology of the process is not set in stone, we have yet to finalise how it will be done.
Fascinating!! Please keep us updated!
Mindfulness has many purposes, depending on your intent and your focus and goals. As you probably are aware, it is used to facilitate companies to achieve certain employee goals. It has become a little to “fashionable” these days to be mindful and the meaning is watered down, sadly. Internal mindfulness would have a different purpose than external mindfulness. You have a natural external mindfulness skill (keen awareness of your external world and 5 senses). Your internal mindfulness (awareness of thoughts, emotions, urges, memories, inner values, sense of self) is, by consequence of your walls to keep beast in, is naturally weaker. This also reduces your knowledge of your true self. One method to increase your development of your true self is to engage in more internal mindfulness practices. Not the woo-woo relaxing kind (the spaced out silence experience). Though, I think you could use that too LOL
I would love to hear your experience of an internal mindfulness journey. But, that is up to you. Just my curiosity.
I suspect that when the shades come an when the creature calls that must be part of this internal mindfulness to which you refer. When I undertake the isolation project that seems to me when that journey you describe will occur.
Well, being in isolation facilitates the process of internal mindfulness though it is not necessarily a mindfulness practice. You might be engaging in an “exposure” to reduce the power of the shades/creature calls within. Sort of like how they treat certain fears, by gradual exposure or flooding. Mindfulness is a bit more than exposure though can intensify it or diminish it, depending on your focus.
Do you plan to practice any skills like e. g. mindfulness (lots of other alternatives out there) BEFORE going into isolation?
Don’t you think it could be re-traumatizing or that the original trauma could surface?
How exactly will the isolation look like?
The methodology will be discussed with the good doctors. In terms of the isolation it would be staying somewhere away from people and technology. I am not being locked in a cupboard but essentially under house arrest at a remote coastal location.
https://youtu.be/7jHq-0rkajg
The isolation project sounds fascinating. I’m learning much from blog and comments.I appreciate the time and effort.
I’ve induced self isolation. A self imposed search and rescue of my ‘inner child’. Inner child sounds sweet but was I was confronted with a savage beast. I cared about creature, I imagine you don’t.
Collecting the abandoned child from deep in psyche was essential as my life results were weak (early flight response produced a lost ball in tall grass). My ego had to die and creature had to have a platform to express itself. Very frightening to induce a mental collapse alone but I didnt trust most therapists to know what they’re dealing with. I did ferocious letter writing, intense physical attacks on furniture and lifted crazy weight for unexpected rage, sobbed like a toddler (through the ‘ill give you something to cry about’ echoes of the past), breathed through rattling panic attacks and so on. What interests me here is that I went through this to break victim mentality. Narcissists have victor mentality and impressive life results, the fight response worked out. You just had to bury people alive to get to where you needed to go.
I wasnt afraid of my creature but you’re terrified of yours. I’m intrigued to know what becomes of this project.
Shall look forward to that book.
Thank you SBJ, I found that most interesting. Yes you are correct, I am terrified of my creature (not that I would ordinarily admit that). When you engaged in self-isolation, was this complete isolation from others or rather the isolation of your “self” as part of this search and rescue mission which you engaged on. You are also correct that I do not care for the creature. I hate it. Thanks for sharing that.
Is isolation project first of its kind? It’s piqued interest this afternoon. My understanding is that empaths can open dialogue with inner child. It’s a delicate situation that, for me, required empathy, love, understanding and patience. Once trust established I coaxed child from hiding and could apologise sincerely for abandonment. I could nurture the child and after a few months we seem to meld together. Interestingly, I’m not as emPATHETIC! How’s that going to work for narcissists, who rarely apologize?
Wondering if you would you do things in reverse? Maybe your creature is the current operating body and needs to be exorcised and the adult HG Tudor needs the search and rescue mission.
Role reversal.
I shall wait and see.
Good luck for your brave and possibly pioneering project.
Thank you Stringbean. I appreciate sharing your experience. Can I ask why you apologized to your inner child?
They fell for it…again. 🙃
Mister 🇬🇧, You seem kind of moody 😡😠lately. But, that’s just my own perception, of course. And, according to most Narcissists 👺👺, I am always wrong 👎👎.
Great name Aslan. It means lion.
I read Chronicles of Narnia and they are my favorite books, ❤️ Love
Love, in what language does it mean ‘lion’?
PTSD, Turkish.
This is a very visceral description… your life sounds like hell on earth, HG! You are in constant battle with yourself, real vs. pretend… and you have hidden your struggles from everyone… it is bewildering to think that one can spend a life with another without ever really knowing him/her!
Have you never desired to confide in someone, to alleviate your pain by sharing the burden, to make it stop?!
This is what I am used to. If I shared the burden, they would use this disclosure against me.
We would not use it against you HG. Promise.
“If I shared the burden, they would use this disclosure against me.”
This is what YOU would do, HG. Do not judge others by your own wretched standards!
I knew his lowest lows, as he knew mine… and he verbally attacked me… deeper and deeper the proverbial knife went, and then he twisted it… I retaliated… but I never moved in for the kill… I COULD HAVE… but some things are untouchable, even in a state of immense fury… some things are SACRED!!
It has nothing to do with my conscience, or what society expects of me. It has to do with being human… you have no clue what it means to be human, and I pity you for that.
Why do you believe another would use this against you? Is it because you would?
Interesting how both you and Mathilda picked up on this TD. Yes it is something I would do but I do not think that because it is how I would behave but it is rather because of how I know the world to be and how it would treat me if I let it do so.
I will not try and convince you different then what you believe, yet it is your belief not knowledge. Granted some do and the fact of the matter this is what you were exposed to at a young age and spoon fed as you grew to be an adult. I accept you as is, and believe you to be an extraordinary man with many talents and abilities. Yet because of what I am my heart aches for you, and hopes you find peace. Like you something’s are hard if not close to impossible to change with out the desire to do so.
HG interesting it is, yet I do believe Mathilda is angry. I am not. Your views and beliefs are different, doesn’t make you less human.
Lol I did not see the response until now.
Hmmm questions, up for a discussion or maybe a game of chess I do have my pawn and I believe you said king ready and your side complete, I haven’t forgotten, have you?
🙂 That’s how it is.
<3
“yet I do believe Mathilda is angry..”
I am.
I understand, and I am sorry.
No need to say sorry, Twilight Dreams, it’s not your fault… some things are just infuriating… have calmed down now 🙂
I am glad to hear you are not so upset, I have moments to. I usually end up running through the woods, great work out better then any I have ever gotten in a gym and the scenery is beautiful.
oh, that’s a good idea… a stroll it would be for me… and I would bring seed mixes to stock up the bird feeders along the way 🙂
During depression, my ex said he can no longer look at himself in the mirror. He says he doesn’t like what he sees. This coming from a man who has many admirable traits, has stunning looks and a great physique. It is because he is seeing the creature. 😔
Brilliant!! I love your writing style!
This is exactly how I imagined it, once I figured out he was a narc.
I remembered in the beginning how he would contact me a 5-6am, as soon as he woke up. Often I would wake up to long romantic emails sent in the middle of the night. Once things died down, I had him figured out but still wanted to play. I could always tell what kind of day I would have with him based off of how early he contacted me. When I didn’t hear from him early in the morning, I could feel that he was showering someone else with his attention and lies of love. He was getting his early morning fix with someone else. I didn’t care if he talked to me the rest of the day but I wanted that time slot to me mine. I wanted to be the first. Sounds so ridiculous now, I have to laugh about it.
Nothing more than a life lesson.
One I hope to never repeat.
I recognize all these signs, too. The tell-tale early am sweetie pie texts. The photos of romantic sayings he would text to me….as he texted the exact same to any other number of needy women. One it becomes apparent….well…..there is no going back.
First of all, this photo breaks my heart. It speaks volumes as to how you must truly feel, all day, every day. I’m not oblivious anymore. I see your pain now and I do care, HG!!!
HG to be close to one such as you would be tough yet exciting in many many ways, the highs and the lows.
Do you ever wonder what it would be like to sit in silence? To not hear the voice of the creature? I don’t mean after being fueled, yet like in this moment you have written about.
I do not contemplate sitting in silence unfuelled. I can do so fuelled, that is what works for me.
Indeed, HG, do you ever experience true silence of mind? I know for me, it is the relief I need from my racing ADHD mind. When I found that place, it was like a mind-spa. No anxiety, no tomorrow or yesterday, no judgments, nothing. Have you been to that internal space, HG?
No I do not.
Do you wish to experience it (no beast voice either), just a space of silence? I can tell you, from one that has a racing mind at times, it is a huge relief and it is restful. I cannot imagine being on “go” all the time.
Have you ever attempted to practice mindfulness?
I am willing to do so, to see what it is like, but I don’t see it as any use to me. I appreciate others find solace in silence etc and I understand why people do, it isnt for me when without fuel. With fuel, no problem and I can focus on other things. I have not attempted mindfulness but I know what it is Indy, my sister espouses its virtues.
But that’s the point, HG, that you – with practice – wouldn’t need outside fuel anymore.
You could fill up by yourself.
I you find the desire to do so within in yourself.
See HG mortality catches up with us all, I told you, you cannot outrun it, you cannot escape it- You cannot be on top of your game, all of the time and the mirror is there to remind you and will continue to stare back at you showing you the raw and then the you, that presents itself the aesthetics of yourself, to the world- the before and after glamour glimpses of yourself.
The phone is taken to the ensuite, honestly- do yourself a favour and switch it off and savour each morning. One day you may not have another dawn or you may not have a choice in knowing how many more dawns, you are granted and then each may be a gift, a pandora’s box that you have no control on.
You are very like my narc but you keep a lid on the vulgar side, from what you write. That is commendable if you truly do keep a lid on the beast exposing itself fully, because as you describe lesser narcs/sociopaths apparently have no awareness and don’t care in unleashing the beast fully.
You are not a machine, you are not superhuman and the mirror will reflect that back at you ever so pressingly. This fuel you crave, is nothing more than attention and you are very needy. How can you be so efficient yet as a needy as a child never soothed?
Why don’t you drop out for awhile- honestly take a break before it breaks you. The business side of things will survive without you if you delegate but you don’t want to and feel it will be controlled in a way that does not please you if you take your hand off the large saucepan that you must stir whilst keeping on the simmer and your other hand onthe phone waiting to be needed, by the chime of addiction.
You are killing yourself softly with your song HG and it is slow torture.
Take a vacation on your own, forget the attire- it is a hassle, think about the routine women must go through and how bloody long it takes, be a la’ natural for awhile- you may get to know yourself and not the decorated you’ that you perceive others may want.
Go to nature, turn your phone off and by all means go to a cafe, read a paper, stop looking around and for Godsakes, find the real you- hard act to follow HG, class act is still an act. Smell the roses 🙂
This is beautiful, PRH…
Trying to keep it real YAY ✝🛐😘☮
I’ll stumble in your (Church’s) footsteps. I saw and heard an elderly couple yesterday. They were remarking that they didn’t recognise the wrinkles and gray hair of the other. I wonder how that would be…total acceptance. I hope you receive that, HG.
As we breathe, you gather fuel. As our hearts beat involuntarily, you are able to hoard fuel with every beat of your own heart. It is what you are built for. It is what you have been practicing like a Gold Medal Olympic champion has been practicing from his very early youth. It is all you know. This article is written for us, those who are not Narcissists- but, work from a human perspective. But, for you, a Narcissist, this article must seem rhetorical and strange as if I were to write an article about “What it’s like to have to keep on making my heart beat my whole life through”.
Love it. I will remember this post every time I have to run into the harridan who lives next door. The bathroom mirror part, that is.
Haha – I never thought about my harridan neighbor, Laurie. I will “try” to do the same. She’s not nice and extremely unfriendly.
I must say, I actually ran out of breath trying to keep up with your daily routine 😁 Seems like to much to much FEAR that one has to endure. As usual you depict your episodes well. But, a bit to scary for me. Thanks for letting me reminisce.
Damn…
“Already I can feel the hunger rising as I stare at my reflection.” how does that exactly feel if You could try to compare it to any known to me feelings may I ask You HG?
The emptiness, the need for fuel, the nagging itch which must be scratched.
Dear HG: Do you want to explore different ways?
I remain open-minded about the possibilities ava101.
That is the best thing you’ve ever said here. 🙂
would You say it’s stronger than addiction … drug addiction or alcoholism. ..? You may not be able to answer as You are not an addict… unless. ..❤
I sometimes wonder if this information is helpful or abusive. Because “my kind” always want to help “your kind” albeit we know there is no help. Is it just more extraction of fuel for you? I was with one of you for 2812 days and it has devastated me. We traveled and moved to an Island…. blah blah blah. From what I have researched and know about you, he is exactly like you. His brain pathology changed at 12 years of age. But now he has changed mine. Suggestions?
Hello Allie, yes it is a nagging itch for the empath to want to help our kind. In terms of addressing the changes you have experienced I would recommend you read Exorcism.
HG,
Have you ever had plastic surgery or will you at some point?
No I have not ABB. I do not see the need to.
Thank you for responding. I knew two somatic narcissists that strictly believed in it. His Mother had her boobs redone up until the age of 70. She had hair weave at 74. Then tattooed her eyeliner and eyebrows. She had two face lifts and liposuction. He started with hair plugs into his twenties and liposuction of imaginary love handles. Then botox. Oh and both of them had orange glow of too much fake tanning or spray tan. I wonder if narcissists primarily make up the group of people who have body dysmorphic disorder? Any thoughts?
You are welcome ABB. Quite the catalogue of bodily overhaul there. Interesting question you pose there. I daresay our kind are represented in that group but I imagine that many people who have body dysmorphic disorder are not of our kind. Many Somatics and Elites are attractive and maintain and build on this foundation. Others within the Somatics (more of the Lesser variety) have some delusion about their attractiveness usually in terms of trying to cling to youth.
*shoes not issues
I remember the first time I read this one and realized your ability to detail those painful mini battles within with a he beast and the need for fuel (some seconds long) is incredible. I felt compassion for you the first time. I still do but the quality of that compassion has changed. I not only have slipped my small feet into your expensive leather shoes (they keep falling off btw) and now I hand you mine (heels and all). I know it doesn’t escape your awareness how small and fragile the issues are, how ill-equipped they are to run for mayor kind. You may also notice that in my backpack I put Nikes, thanks to your suggestion. But, will you give me a running start?