Something That Rings True
One of the ways that enables us to succeed with our manipulations is the ability to do or say something that rings true. Take for instance when we commence our seduction and we tell you that we have been in love with you for several years but never felt able to tell you until now. What happens when something like that is said?
- You are taken aback that someone tells you this out of the blue;
- It feels good however because to be told that someone loves you, appeals to a person’s desire to be loved and especially so with an empathic individual who is a love devotee;
- The concept of somebody loving you silently and from afar also accords with an idea of romance;
- It is a surprise, but a pleasant one, an exciting one which has grabbed your interest.
Some people may be bowled over already because of these things. Their desire to be loved and probably their need to be loved arising out of the damage they have suffered at some point, causes them to embrace this announcement of love with enthusiasm and more to the point, to soon fall in love with the person who has made the announcement.
Some people may be delighted by this sudden declaration, but they query how this might be so. They do not ask the person, they do not wish to be impolite or they do not wish to run the risk of losing this new love, how this has come about. No, instead they consider how this might come to be the case.
“Well, we have known each other since we were at school.”
“Her parents and my parents have always been good friends and kept in touch.”
“We work in the same office. Okay, we do not speak often, but he is still able to see me across the floor every day.”
“We have been members of the same club for years, so it kind of makes sense.”
The victim convinces him or herself because there is something that rings true. If you and the narcissist have known one another for a long time, have mutual connections, frequent the same places, it is entirely conceivable isn’t it, that this person could well have loved you from afar for years? The belief in love, the pleasure gained from being told this, the romantic connotation which arises from this circumstances and then the fact that there is something that rings true, all combines in the mind of the victim and they fall for the declaration.
Even in the rare instance that the victim might just question the bona fides of this declaration of love, we are able to deal with it. How? By again deploying the use of something that rings true.
Take for instance: –
“But we have barely spoken to one another all the time, how can you love me when that is the case?”
“I don’t need to speak to you to know what I feel for you. I have seen the way you are with people, kind, considerate, the way you make people feel at ease, the way you make people laugh, how good you are at your job. Those are all the qualities that made me fall in love with you and more besides.”
More compliments appeal to the listener. It is also likely that the narcissist will have observed his or her victim, spoken to the victim’s friends or colleagues and trawled their social media profile to select additional information which when combined adds to the veracity of the likelihood of someone being in love with the victim.
“But I hardly know you, we just share the same apartment building.”
“Maybe but I see you go past every day and you may not have noticed me, but I have noticed you.”
Again, that is entirely conceivable.
“Years you say, why did you not say anything sooner?”
“Because I wanted to be sure of what I felt. I didn’t want to rush it and I always believe that if something is right, it will come to happen.”
Again, there is a plausibility to what is being said.
We rely on the suggestion that something is true, the fact that it is plausible, the desire of the victim to believe in love, to want romance, to have something wonderful which alleviates the pain of past miseries and combined together makes the magical become not just possible but probable. If you have someone paying attention to you, someone who professes to love you then most empathic individuals want to believe in that and will not want to run the risk of it being de-railed by interrogating the person as to what they really mean. The victim either convinces him or herself that what has been said is genuine, because it has something of the truth about it or if they do ask questions this just provides us with a further opportunity to add further words that have something of the truth about them.
Once you realise that this is a manipulation that our kind deploy, you will spot it happening with alarming frequency or you will look back and realise just how often it was used to con and dupe you, to cause you to think that what we said and did was genuine. All through the suggestion that something has the ring of truth about it.
“I am sorry I said what I did, I have been under a lot of pressure.”
(He has been working hard as of late. He has told me and so have his colleagues)
“I don’t want to make any mistakes this time, please give me a chance to make you happy.”
(She did say she messed up her previous relationships. I guess she has learned from that.)
“I have finally worked out what I need and what I have to give. It has taken me some time, but finally with you, I know it will be right.”
(He has told me about the other relationships he has had which didn’t work.)
“I will repay you when I receive my bonus.”
(He showed me his contract confirming that he was due a bonus a few weeks ago.)
“I won’t hurt you, I have been hurt and I could not do that to anybody else.”
(His family told me has been hurt before.)
“It is a last minute business trip, these things happen. It is only a few days. I will be back before you know it.”
(She has mentioned business trips in the past and it is a demanding place where she works.)
“I am sorry you couldn’t reach me, sometimes I just need some space to work things out, you know how I can go inside myself at times.”
(Yes, he is sometimes quiet.)
“No she is just a friend, you’ve nothing to worry about.”
(He has mentioned her as a friend from school previously.)
Whether it is seducing you, making you do something for us, explaining away your concerns, deflecting blame, refusing to do something or a hundred other manipulations, we have an instinctive ability to cause you to accept what we say and do, believe us or no longer doubt us because of this capacity to add something that rings true. It is only after the event that you come to understand and realise that there was never any truth. The inference, insinuation or hint was predicated on lies.
How is it then that what are lies are somehow given that ring of truth?
The answer to that question is that there is also one other essential ingredient which enables us to deploy this manipulation. What we say, no matter how plausible, how convincing, how persuasive, how truthful it may sound, needs one other thing to make it work. Needs something else in the equation to turn the lie into an apparent and sustainable truth.
Something which is especially receptive to this tactic. Something that is open to its application. Something that allows it to be so effective.
You.
28 thoughts on “Something That Rings True”
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Thankyou HG🙏🏿 On point yet again….. seriously! The things you say are exactly what has happened to me , every single word HG. This scares a lot😳 I hope you’re not my narc🙈🙉 … amazing you’re HG! There…… some fuel for you👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
“I won’t hurt you, I have been hurt and I could not do that to anybody else.”
(His family told me has been hurt before.)
In the very early days, my exnarc had received a phone call from a woman inviting us to her house at a famous lake.
I was allowed (…) to listen to that call and it was rather strange and my exnarc explained afterwards that she was very prejudiced towards me because she was concerned that he would get hurt again (by me), as he had been soooo soooooooo hurt in the past.
Him: i am sorry i can’t make it. I have an assignment to work on
Me: why can’t you do it here?
Him: it will be difficult to bring everything
Me: pls i really miss you
Him: (after some silence) umm… ok
The doorbell rings 45 min later.
Lol good job PTSD. You have a pull on him too.
Love, it is not exactly a pull i have on him. He never knew that i miss him so much, and that i practically break down when he reschedules plans, since he has a limited range of emotions. Once i informed him, he tried his best to not hurt me. Since he has trouble understanding emotions, he would rely on me to guide him as to when i felt hurt, and would try to avoid it as much as possible. He was successful many times, but not always, him being a narc, and me being so sensitive.
The lies and the illusion when in the moment, validate our act of handing over our trust and heart.
And what a powerful illusion it is. If someone is really struggling with loneliness and everpresence, it just makes Hoovers that much more lethal.
So lethal, like crack to the addict.
Absolutely! I think loneliness and fear of being alone are massive contributors to caving when a friendly Hoover comes in. The illusion can look mighty appealing when you’ve faced weekend after weekend into months alone. Compounded with trying to date new people and wishing you were home alone while on the date. Lol
MLA,
I agree, this is why those with abandonment and attachment issues gravitate toward one another (NPD and BPD particularly, though not limited to) and go through that repetitive cycle of break up-make up, and cave into hoovers.
I have serious abandonment issues. It stems from childhood trauma. If someone important to me cancels plans, or a household member goes away for vacation, i can’t breathe properly.
Yes PTSD,
It is understandable to have attachment or abandonment issues if the individuals that were in change of raising you did not provide consistent, predictable care or attention to your needs or offer soothing. We sometimes reenact it in adult relationships if we do not figure out how to be alone. The key is to get comfortable with you and being alone. Once you expose yourself to aloneness regularly, you get to know yourself better and learn your values and how to soothe the discomfort of aloneness (DBT teaches this too).
Thx indy.
Hi Indy,
You were young! Lol.. I thought I knew better at 43 but I knew absolutely nothing.
I was soooo open and accepting to other people and their views, thinking, and lifestyles that I went way out there in what I thought was “ok” and “normal”. My ex knew that I was very open minded and nonjudgmental and it was used to sway me into making decisions that went against my conscience.
HG is right when he talks about studying and listening to their targets. I gave her all the answers and ammunition.
And I would never ever think of you as the bullying type. I respect you immensely Indy!
Hugs and apples ❤️🍎❤️
Hi Snow White,
I was wondering about that, too: that I might in some constellations be too open-minded, in a way, that I might have thought at times “who am I to tell someone else how a relationship has to look like”. I guess it could be a strength and a weakness at the same time. But combined with a partner who doesn’t respect boundaries … oh, well.
I also have no role model to compare to, in regard to what’s “normal”. When someone compares “this is how a normal person would behave”, to “this is how a person with narcissistic traits would behave”, or to “this is how someone who is too giving behaves”. How would I know?
I hope I will be old enough soon to get any wiser. 😉
Hi Ava,
What’s “normal” for me has always been a little different than for others. Lol… I never worried about it because I am not the person to care what others think of me. I have always walked through life with a care free attitude.
I agree it can be a strength and weakness to be open minded. My eyes have been opened to what is out there now and I will be more aware from here on out.
Hi Snow 🙂
I started way young on this path. I was 14 when I met my son’s father. We were together for 5 years and I left 3 months after I gave birth to my son. It is when my eyes were truly opened, by the love of my son before love of self. Because of that lack of love of self, I had several cracks open to attract less than healthy folks because I was less than healthy too. I started dating my ex husband at 20 and married at 22 and divorced at 28. I never married again. However, as you know, I did get engaged several times after that fact. I see a pattern of lessons I have learned and built upon and I am a slow learner in the relationships realm. For example, I went from a lesser to a person with traits of stuff but no for sure anything other than manipulation, to addicts to a midranger. Now, I am looking at me. Just me. Cause I seem to complicate things when there is an other and my choices are not so sane. Hahahahha
Oh, I get you on the open minded thing. I am pan sexual and open spiritually(agnostic), so I get you when you say open minded. And, yes, it can be ammo used too. I had some very conservative exes that used it as degradation of me and my values. I am older now, though, and I have no need to hide those values any more. But, it is interesting what “love” can do to self expression.
Thank you Snow, like I said, if I come across as such, I just need to know and I will adjust 🙂 I have my flaws as we all do 🙂 And I do appreciate your kind words.
Hearts and apples to you too!
Hugs
Hi Indy,
I have had to look at myself also. When I met my ex I often remarked how she had a lot in common with my husband. At this early time I thought is was amusing and coincidental. Now she was the complete opposite of me which I enjoyed but I went from an alcoholic husband to a narcissistic girlfriend.
The one thing I was running from in my husband was how controlling he was and I ended up right in the hands of one of the most controlling people I had ever met and and no idea that’s what she was doing and for what purpose.
But they do say that everything happens for a reason and I do believe that if it wasn’t for my affair my husband wouldn’t have ever admitted he had a problem and decided to become sober. I’m certainly not condoning my decisions but we both can see how we contributed to the situation and are now trying to fix things.
I do love my open mindness and always have Indy! I love that I can include and accept anyone for their gender, disability, race, and spiritual views but I will be a little more guarded if I choose to have them in my life. I can’t wait to hear about your March!!!!!
Hi Snow!
I so relate!! To all you said!! Yay to broad openness, compassion and acceptance of differences of all kinds. It is what makes life interesting, exciting and so complex.
I was literally thinking of this today while I was reviewing the evidence (emails and texts) of my Narc. Context is every thing, word choice is everything, intent is everything.
Indeed, Living, Intent and context is everything!
This is the SADDEST post for me of all I read so far and it triggers alot of rage in me. When the Narc targeted me, he used a really awful way to get in to me. I mean talk about EVIL. A fake apology for what he did to me 30 years ago! And he took that, and said many of what you listed… Tried to find you, thought of you every 6 months for 30 years, blah, blah. Never grasping he was who he was, I flew half way around the world to see him only to have him… well, you know how that went. I still could not make sense… why say all that? Who in their right mind, would? A narc of course. But finally, trying to hurt me, he admitted what he did to me 30 years ago was on purpose. Oh, he tried to blame others… misfortune, pity plays for his behavior but he finally said he had done it and was fully aware. Now, he was trying to hurt me. And it did, but it all finally dispelled ALL CD and any remaining doubt about who he was and I am not cut free from him at last…..
It is still hard to imagine how low someone like that would go…. So you get the fuel, but don’t you see how low you are stooping with the lies? Or is that my integrity getting in the way of even thinking your kind feel that? Or is fuel so much more important than something as silly as personal integrity?
He is nothing but an ugly person to me now and I wish I could tell everyone I know who knows him. But I have to let that die because I see how people are. A friend of mine who knows what he did to me, still decided to flatter him and provide him with supply once… She thought he needed encouragement as a counter balance to my rage and anger at him. People who haven’t been touched by this, won’t ever fully get it… I still have a hard time….
Fuel is all Sarabella and readily overrides your personal integrity. You are correct; those who have not experienced it never understand it.
But you take pride in being a superior individual … shouldn’t the resulting scorn/disdain be enough motivation for living up to that self-image?
It evidently is not.
I know feelings, wants, desires … that are so strong that they override my integrity, and any reason, too. But never to a point where I would hurt others on purpose, where nothing else would matter. I hurt others in self defense and when they have really gone too far. But I don’t enjoy that. I get numb then. There is a point I would never cross deliberately. Again, this is one of the pillars of my whole makeup. But it’s also a conscious decision …
I know that people can be broken in that regard, when the point of doing something they feel isn’t right is once crossed, they have far less problems doing it again. But you’ve not been conditioned as a sleeper agent, have you …
My ex-narc brought me to a point though, I’m not proud of, at all. I didn’t know that I had so much darkness in me before I met him …
I think this is how I could trigger him to rage. He has no personal integrity but he is culturally caught in a dilemma where social standing, class and money is everything. So on the surface, he is not where he wanted to be socially (have more money) but socially, he is higher than many people where he lives. But in his personal life, he is amoral. When I would goad him into cutting himself off from me, I think I did it by telling him or implying that he isn’t anyone. It would trigger the social inferiority issues he has. I figured that out by going back to our first conversations and asked myself what did he tell me? What did he use for his pity plays? What were the themes? I sensed that this was where his weaknesses were. So on the one hand, he boasts integrity, on the other, he had none. I played that conflict within him. Weird looking back, how I figured it out. But within his active manipulations, nothing was below him because he justified it all by…. me being crazy.
This was a very effective technique my recent ex used a lot. He was the king of the half truths.
When my ex-husband seduced me, he said he had held a candle for me for four years(we started dating when I was 21). My friends were all smitten with that idea and I was too, though my first reaction (which I should have listened to) was also being a little weirded out. The time he was referencing was when I was 16 and he was 21. smh