The Narcissistic Truths – No. 125
36 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 125”
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My ex says ‘i care about you.’ I replied ‘but narcs don’t care so how is it that you care?’ I know exactly what he cannot feel now thanks to HG.
He also thinks that living without certain emotions serves him well, as he is not burdened with emotional ties. But he feigns caring very well, always asking about my well-being etc.
Not 100% sure about the meaning, you are saying if you dont care about the narcissist you dont lose?
Also, if a narcissist is yelling in your face,
its pretty difficult not to give fuel.
They might take the lack of response as subservience, I find it impossible to control my facial expression so that it doesnt convey pain.
Indeed Brian, that is why one should always aim for no contact as even minimal interaction with us becomes difficult as we press for fuel.
Yes,thank you
The catch22 situations are many.
Yes, this is what I do with mine. I am invisible. I am such a flowed source. I do not think he would dare to come back after the way he was annihilated by rational and emotionless arguments against him. He seemed to be ruthless but I know he was afraid of me. I laughed at him at the end. I feel sorry for him too. I felt very powerful after showing him the middle. I know I won. He lost and he will keep loosing. He is an ugly person. Inside and out. Fuel is sparse for him, not that great quality. Work is giving him most of his fuel but he is rude and aggressive to everyone so his career pathway is limited. Such a pitiful creature…
Kudos to you HG Tudor for being a great teacher!
Brian, it takes a lot of practice. Just keep reading and studying here. Eventually their furry becomes ineffective, because when you know it’s coming, you can control your response easier. Remember, practice makes perfect. It has taken me years, but I can say that I do well at least 70% of the time.
thanks, i think im getting better
Oh but everything in life is about winning. US winning. At all costs. No matter what.
We would not learn from loss. We would only be wounded and then all hell would break loose as a result. In our case, we have been taught by the narcs, socios/psychos who raised us (either on purpose or by accident) that winning is everything and so, that is all we have learned. That is all we know.
We will do anything and everything it takes to ensure we always come out on top and we do not care who has to pay the price. Because we have no moral compass (and even if we did it would always been pointing toward hell) so we will take measures most would never dream of in order to secure an end result that favours us. Always.
From the smallest argument over the most trivial thing to the prestigious promotion at work, our end game is to ensure we are victorious – we always come out on top.
If that means laying waste to anyone and everyone who tries to get in our way, so be it.
I find that aspect of the narcissistic lifestyle quite fascinating, Bloody Elemental. Have you ever asked yourself if it was *worth* winning before you set out to win?
Time spent on petty little things is time wasted, time you could have spent doing what matters, time you will never get back.
Hi Matilda,
I suppose that could be true if we viewed time the same way everyone else does.
We inhabit an eternal present. To us– and this is true most with the psychopath – the future is either of two: a hazy, abstract, merely hypothesized concept, or an anticipated certainty, the preordained outcome of our own magical thinking (we believe that we determine future events merely by thinking about them.)
Our life is inherently unstable. This makes it difficult to perceive time as a linear flow of causes and their effects. Our time is cyclical, arbitrary, and magical.
We believe we are owed something because of our superiority and hence, we are invested in collecting what we believe is rightfully ours. Thus, our time is viewed as being much more valuable than anyone else`s and so, we will not engage in matters that we perceive to be a waste of time.
If I am engaging in something, no matter how trivial others may think is, you can rest assured I have something to gain from it and to me, it is not trivial. It is absolutely worth my time and effort to acquire it, whether it is a promotion or having someone concede defeat to me in an argument.
Winning is my ultimate goal and I will spend an untold amount of time ensuring it happens, at all costs, and never once view it as a waste of time.
Does that make sense?
Hi Bloody E,
I know you were answering Matilda’s question, though I wanted to say that helped me understand too. This concept of time is interesting. I liken it to an adaptation to a life of chaos from early on. If you cannot really control it, then only living in the now is feasible and tolerable. And, the magical thinking is a part of that too, in order to survive (just my formulating thoughts on this) you have to have certain certainties. …I do wonder if it is OK I ask you a question about your childhood? If not, I respect that.
Ask away Indy.
Thank you, Bloody. Did you experience a similar childhood of that of HG (as far as we know here in the blog), meaning a mother or father that had symptoms or behaviors consistent with what we call a personality disorder, such as NPD, BPD or APD? Did you have a parent that wanted to shield you? And, how old were you when you knew you felt or saw things differently than empathic individuals?
If anything is too personal, of course it is cool to not provide details. I am just interested in the childhood process, familiar make up, etc. Looking forward to HG’s upcoming books on it and wanted your perspective as well.
Hi Bloody Elemental,
Your non-linear concept of time explains why the passing of time does not affect your kind as much. I had never considered that time could be perceived as anything but flowing.
— —
“Winning is my ultimate goal and I will spend an untold amount of time ensuring it happens, at all costs, and never once view it as a waste of time.”
That makes perfect sense to me! Because I have spent the same amount of time, determination and perseverance on fighting others when I knew I was morally or otherwise right. I simply would not give in -because that cannot be- and battled it out, ‘winning’ some, losing some.
Only in recent years, I have realised how much time has been lost in this manner. Now, I cherish my time and inner peace more than teaching others a lesson they will not value anyway. 😀
Omg! The time aspect was one of the hardest things to wrap my brain around in trying to comprehend how JN’s actual time spent with me whether in person or endless nights texting or on Skype was part of an illusion.
It served his needs to feel good. I get it.
Here you say your time would never be wasted on something trivial. For almost 4 years and especially in the first 2 years, it was me, with my time equally invested. It gets difficult for me to understand on this side of the fence how such a longstanding investment of actual time with someone you choose can really be all illusion or based on lies.
Just an observation, not a criticism. Lol
Hi Indy,
My situation is different from HG`s which is fairly interesting because it is proof that our kind can be created in different ways.
In my case, antisocial personality disorder (narcissism, sociopathy and psychopathy) comes from my father and his side of the family. I have three brothers and three sisters (there are seven of us all together) and I am the youngest. Of my siblings, my sisters are empaths like my mother and my brothers and I all take after my father and his side of the family.
I would consider my father to be a Greater, as is my grandfather. My brothers are lesser/mid-range. One of my brothers is most definitely a lesser, as he does not know what he is and becomes enraged when we bother him about it, which we do often. Naturally, he says we are the ones with the problem and not him.
It is an interesting dynamic to say the least, especially since I am the only girl to turn out like the males. This is because I was never close to my mother, even from a young age. In fact, I hated her because I could not understand her. I wriggled away from her attempts to hug and kiss me, but would run readily into my father’s waiting arms. I would scoff at her attempts at motherliness and kindness, preferring the grip of my father’s strong, but cold hand, largely because it felt so familiar to me.
I always gravitated toward my father and he relished this and, along with my grandfather and other relatives, saw this as an excellent opportunity bend and shape me as they saw fit.
For my part, I relished the adoration and attention my father and other relatives lavished upon me because they did not do the same for anyone else. Only me. I felt most at home with them, most comfortable with them. I was (and remain) the Golden Child. The standard all others are held to and rarely live up to. My father invested untold amounts of time, energy and money in me.
I started exhibiting certain behaviours at a young age (I have been told as young as 3) that my father picked up on and knew he could capitalize upon. So, in addition to already being different and having my father telling me I was different and special at a very young age, there was never any hope for me to be any other way.
I knew I did not think, behave or feel the same way others did about anything. At a very young age, I learned how to manipulate others. I learned that I could get anything I wanted from anyone if I played my cards right. I told lies and was rarely caught. If I did get caught, I was quick to blame someone else for my transgression and managed to escape blame. I learned that my words could cause others to swell with love and admiration or shrink with shame, self-doubt and self-loathing. I was innately aware that it gave me far much more pleasure to hurt someone than it did to make them love me, though both were incredibly easy for me.
My father told me I was the best and deserved the best. He taught me that winning, at all costs, is everything. No one likes a loser. Those with emotions, like my mother and sisters, are weak and weakness is frowned upon.
I remember that, like HG, I did not cry when I got hurt (unless it suited my purpose) but it was not because of what my father said. It was because I could not. I either did not feel the pain or I relished the feeling that washed over me and enjoyed it. If I was wounded in other ways, a dangerous rage consumed me like an out of control brush fire and my central aim was to destroy my aggressor as viciously and quickly as possible.
I suppose some would call the way I was raised a form of abuse since those I was closest to bent me to their own whims and possibly viewed me as a little flesh and blood experiment. But unlike HG, I was not verbally or physically abused in any way by my father or any of my family members. My mother and my sisters, and to some extent, my brothers, did suffer at my father’s hands, but I was always spared the rod and forked tongue.
I was not officially diagnosed until I was in my early teens. I entered therapy for reasons I do not care to discuss in a public forum. Just as I do not share my official diagnosis here other than to say I have been diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder.
I underwent a number of tests, including brain scans. After a year spent in therapy, my therapists concluded that I was incorrigible and this is mostly because I am self-aware, always have been to some extent (and much moreso now that I am a bit older and more experienced) and have no interest in changing. Yes, I am aware that my actions and behaviour hurts others, but I have no remorse and the pain I inflict on them means nothing to me. It is my belief that if I harm someone it is because they deserve it.
I hope it answers your questions somewhat. If you have others just ask. If anything is too personal, I will always say so.
Hi BE,
Very eloquently written with clear understanding and awareness of your journey. I respect that. And I am grateful for your sincere mini bio, it is really informative, I think, in understanding the development of differences in personality. I am still digesting what you wrote, though, indeed it reaffirms for me that we are all complex beings that are the product of our biology (including genetics but not limited to), social culture, and environment within the family as well as out inherent sensitivities or lack of to certain stimuli.
Thank you for helping me learn. If I think of more questions, I will shoot them over 🙂
Bloody, your childhood sounds interesting indeed. I would say a little sad too, but i know you do not see it like that. This is not child’s play, 3 generations of narcs, that too your grandfather and father being greaters! Have you witnessed the greater’s calculated, malign behavior that HG describes, in your father or grandfather? Do you consider yourself a greater since you are self aware? If anything is too personal, you need not answer.
Wow!! That explains a lot. No wonder I have been in court for 11 months with my ex-narc. Time means nothing to him!! I get it now💡
Indy,
Thank you for asking and for genuinely wanting to know. It is always most beneficial to learn from the source (whether it be HG or you asking questions to understand my perspective as a female with a different experience than HG) instead of making assumptions which lead to judgments that could be inaccurate. I appreciate your inquisitive nature and the perspective you bring to this blog.
PTSD,
Yes, I have seen their malignancy and calculating preciseness in full effect. They schooled me; I learned from the best the importance of being precise, methodical and calculating. My father would watch me interacting with my siblings and playmates and marveled at the machinations I employed even at a young age. He would offer me advice and instruction. He wanted me to hone my skills, to become more polished in my thought process and delivery. He taught me the value of creating such a pleasant and irresistible façade so the true essence of what I am would be mostly undetectable and/or completely overlooked in favour of my beauty, charm, intelligence, talent, etc.
I remember, as vividly as though it were yesterday, him telling me, “No one will question you because they will know and accept your greatness. They will know you are deserving of nothing but the very best and they will seek to ensure it is provided to you. If they do not, it will become necessary for you to unleash your darkness. When it happens, they will not believe such malice could come from one so perfect and sweet. They will question their own sanity. If they try to hold you accountable, you will show them the error of their ways. They will know they are to blame. You are a force. You are untouchable. You are my flesh and blood.”
I would be remiss though, if I did not state that it was not until I found HG`s blog that I had specific terminology to apply to their behaviour and my own. The therapists I saw tried to shove their rhetoric and gobbledy-gook down my throat and it simply was not palatable. Their rationale and explanations for my behaviour were (not very) educated guesses at best, based on limited research and understanding of our kind, why we exist and what drives/motivates us.
In fact, my therapists (and there were many) were all dumbfounded by me. I could see it on their faces when I answered their questions or provided my insight. They do try to hide it and they do try to give the impression that they absolutely understand our kind and how we come to be the way we are, but the reality is, they do not.
When I began reading HG’s works and interacting with him here on the blog, I was exposed to his perspective and the terminology he has developed to help empaths understand, which in turn gave me proper words and definitions to apply not only to my own behaviours and motivations, but to those of my family members as well.
I have always been self-aware. I have always known what I am doing and why I am doing it – whether it is manipulating someone to do or give me something I want; using my looks, charm and intelligence to glamour others; or inflicting pain on someone. I have immersed myself in research, studies, reports, and discussion with therapists and others like me. But HG has provided me with an understanding, perspective and invaluable information that simply cannot be found anywhere else, even from the Greaters who guided and shaped me.
I give thanks for HG and his work every day.
As for my being a Greater, it seems the more I learn from HG, that I might be, but I also know my behaviours and traits are largely the result of what I am. I also know that as much as I was created, an examination of my brain shows genetics plays a role as well. And, I know that I do not fit perfectly into one category or box, but that is not surprising since most human beings do not.
While HG and I are very similar, we do view certain things differently and our reasons for doing certain things is not quite the same. I have been chastised on this very blog for either being “too much like HG” or “not enough like HG.”
People need to understand that, while we do operate within a pattern of behaviours and traits specific to our kind, we are also individuals. It is the same with empaths – you all have similar defining traits, but at the end of the day, you are all individuals, not carbon copies of one another.
👏 👏 👏! That was awesome BE!! Thank you for yet another look at how and why narcissists became the way they are. Also in the knowledge that we are all different! I may have empath traits but that does not mean I am like all of the rest. Just as all narcs are different! Xx
Bloody, thanks for your answer. I feel sad that your father said to a little girl (you) “If they do not, it will become necessary for you to unleash your darkness.” Words have such an impact on children. Definitely this, and other statements and behaviors from your father impacted you greatly.
About your therapists, “They do try to hide it and they do try to give the impression that they absolutely understand our kind and how we come to be the way we are, but the reality is, they do not.” It is very difficult to find therapists who want to deal with personality disorders. Many shy away due to the fact that it is a disorder that is thought to be ‘ingrained’ into the personality and unlikely changeable. I really wish more therapists would take on the challenge though. Not one of my therapists informed me, for example, that my ex might have been a narc. Finally, when i realized it after my own research, i had to inform and educate her about it. Had i known earlier, it would have answered many of my questions.
It is true that all narcs and empaths are different. You are different frm HG in the way you were created, and probably in the behaviors you exhibit. Like you said, some behaviors fall into a pattern, but there will be individuality. My ex is a narc, but he does not exhibit all the narc behaviors eg. he despises pple crying, which HG loves!
Thanks for helping me understand more about your kind.
I am an empath, and I will never care for people who intentionally hurt me to get their fuel, exert control or feel more powerful. Narcs deal with an illusion of the control anyway, as people have free will. Just some decide not to use it. Why? Neurotypicals think they still get some benefits from the ill relationships. In that sense, they are like narcs. They stay because: maybe he/she still loves me, maybe he/she wil change, eyc. Insecurities and potential of some non-narc gains (love=fuel) are the reasons people do not run away from narcs. As to me: nobody can control me. I do what I want and when I want. I will never allow anybody to mess up with my mind and when I see attempts to hurt me, I see for what they are. But I can be fooled, sure. I can be lied to and not to know. We can’t just know what we do not know, and narcs use this to manipulate us. That fact makes me furious after my beautiful experiences with a narc I trusted. I do not forgive the malice either. I forget and move on. Everyone is different. This is my way of coping. Maybe I am not a good Christian; I do not care. I spare my empathy for people who care about me and use me for their benefits without any reciprocity.
Last sentence should be read as: I spare my empathy for people who care about me and NOT use me for their benefits without any reciprocity.
👌
Better to do the opposite: forgive, but don’t forget. And there is nothing wrong with having nothing to do with them. The Bible says ” Do not cast your pearls before the swine, because they will trample them down!”
Hi Becky. I will explain. I do not forgive as this gives me back he power I lost once. Actually somebody took it away from me. Power to feel in control of my life. Because somebody lied and manipulated me. I am a very strong individual and I like my choice of not forgiving. Maybe I will at some point. We shall see. I chose to forget to not bother my mid with the unpleasant past. This is solely my coping mechanism, everyone is different. I have control issues on the top of few others but I am doing great in general 😛
Hi Becky,
I am not much for bible quotes, and that was perfectly used!! Love it!
Agree with all you said in this post! Forgive for peace of heart and do not open the door for them again to chew on those pearls .
That’s the problem with the empaths, we do care…
Try… “not”… to care for someone you love.
Almost virtually impossible for me when try as I might, love and hate hold the same passion these days.
Not everything in life is about win-lose. When one thinks in such rigid categories, many nuances of life, such as its richness and depth, are lost. High price. I’d rather lose and learn a lesson than never be aware of the lesson in the first place.
It was heavenly to tell the shitbird that I had nothing, no ill will, no love, nothing when he called two days before Christmas. Monotone in voice and in text. Except when I mocked him and he became pissed and hung up on me. then call back immediately but I would not answer.
When I am finished I am finished. I warn you but that means I am not finished. When I say nothing, then you know.
AHOh, me too. Once I am done, I am done. I am ice.
You don’t win either! Xxx
Fool Me, sometimes it is better to be effective, than right.
Survey says……TRUE!