The Narcissistic Truths – No. 126
11 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 126”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Today is my pity party. Just coming home, having bought some food, met a lot of men at the foodstore, some of them looking at me with interest. I saw their interest and suddenly I felt hate, so much hate. All of the predators outside, yearning for my body and soul. After the relationship I changed my outfit and now I seem to be attractive for old men and – asthonishing- young men too. Ha! But meanwhile the only thing I feel is disgust at them.
If I think of a male body, I feel disgust. If I think of someone touching me, I feel disgust. Everything has changed so much. I am still yearning to love someone and being loved by someone but it is impossible. For all my life I liked sex as a natural and beautyful thing, but now? I will buy a sex toy and I will learn to use it. (I never needed something like that ) He stole my natural feeling for sex. It is deleted. I really wish I could be you, Mr Tudor. I envy you so much today. I see, I could have some dates. A 23 young man invited me today for a dinner! He could be my son. Why do I not do that? A fresh,young body and soul. My female friends would envy me.
All the time you tell me to have a look at black flags. Why is it not possible for me, to take my advantage, take the first phase of seduction and let them pay? There are so many men outside with really beautiful cars, cars, I am not able to buy or too stingy to buy. I love cars. I should manipulate them with my outfit and masks, take a ride with their cars. They will do it. Tell them, how mighty, strong, beautiful and intelligent they are, put them on a pedestal. As I mentioned, I educated myself on this blog. But I do not want to have sex with them. I have to disappear, before they notice it. I wish I were you. I could take them for masturbating (again). There is no empathy for men anymore. Most of them are predators, they should be punished. That is not the problem. It is the disgust. There is no moral about some kind of prostitution, it is only the disgust.
The Narc, I had a relationship with, he did his work well. Well done.
I am free of him. That is true. He is of no interest any more. I still have some pictures of him. Cold eyes, fat body hidden under nice clothes and an attractive nice face. He was of lower intelligence, always pretending to be more intelligent than he was. Using me because of my title, my reputation, my family. He was nothing. And I used him too. I took him, because he was inferior, not superior. I thought I would never fall in love with such a man. Never! I knew he was a serial womanizer, (although he was fat). Therefore I took him. I wanted to use him sexually (masturbating). I did not want to hurt an empath, so I took him. I needed a little bit company. I knew, that there was another woman. But it did not interest me. She was not his girlfriend, so I did not care about her. I never would take a man, who is in a relationship. I was not interested in him as a human being. Sounds crazy? For sure, it is. I know that. I felt in my own trap and he seduced me and made me believe that fairy tales are reality. It took a long time to convince me to be with him in a relationship. I am honest; I struggled a long time to invite him to my family and to my few friends. I did not like his so called friends. I did not like his and their behaviour. He and his friends did not fit to my family and my few friends. It remembers me a little bit of the film: “Titanic”. Only the end is different. He tried to pull me out of the lifeboat and I had to push him away. I won that battle. He found another lady to pull out of the lifeboat. I saw him sitting in one.
Who am I? I do not know. I am not a fully blown narc and I àm not a full developed empath. I feel like one of the last giant whales, who are wandering the sea, all alone. Silence. One one hand, I enjoy it to be alone. I cannot breathe, if someone comes too close. I am avoiding too much closeness and also I am not depending on fuel. I like attention, of course. But I do not need it. On the other hand, no one hears my desperate calling for some kind of closeness. I have still the need to find someone.
I wish I could be a shark, or I could be a herring. I am not fish. I am not a normal mammal.
I am only a giant whale. Where are the other giant whales? Where are the last ones?
Maybe, I tried to convince me that he was a lonely orca, a little bit of my kind. But he was not.
He was a big shark, who bit me. It is only a new scar on my big body. I pushed him away and I pushed him down. I pressed him deep down the sea, until he could not breathe anymore. And then I let him free. He learned his lesson well.
I am so tired and so disappointed. I do not find another giant whale. And if I would find another big whale, I am not able to connect anymore. I am condemned to stay alone. An old majestic whale.
You can listen to my lonely melodies allover the sea, calling and calling.
I really do envy you so much today.
I really want to be a shark like you, because you are not alone. Each day you meet another shark or something to devour. And then you are satisfied.
It is my pity party today, not yours.
Why don’t you buy yourself a Porsche and get out and drive… just drive…
He used to say ‘i love you too’, but stopped, after seeing how attached i was becoming to him. I told him it is not right to say it at the beginning of the relationship, then stop. He says he couldn’t help it. Upon cognitively understanding what i was explaining to him, he says he failed me, and pities himself for it.
Ha, love the meme. The Mid Ranger’s delight.
I also heard this is really an excellent red flag to keep in mind. I read that when you start to feel pity for someone (not empathy or sympathy, but true pity), start to question whether you are engaging with a sociopath (or narcissist). Trust the emotional messages you get from your gut. (From the book, The Sociopath Next Door)
Very, very good, ABB.
The sad part is they do have pitiful lives. Totally, irreversibly messed up by their parent in childhood. Their empathy leaked out of their emotional wounds just like the blood leaked out of the physical ones but you can’t give them an empathy transfusion and it was easier for the poor little kids to live without it in their harsh world of parental narcissistic abuse. I pity my narc with all my heart. His mother molded him into this miserable, pathetic creature and the mold can never be broken.
Why thank you OW.
I agree that the emotions leaked out. Causing hole in my bucket of self esteem. I can never fill it myself. It is always being filled externally. First in a predatory way, then a victimized way, now in an altruistic way. I please people. I keep everything and everyone held together. I want peaceful conditions. But if there are peaceful conditions I serve no purpose. I am not needed. This makes me very depressed. If I could satisfy everyone’s needs and wants I would give and give and give some more. I would never run out of things to give as I am a perfectionist. I will make things right. I can fix everything. All this of course you know is untrue. I cannot change people. I can’t make them love me. Oh they say that they do, but they love the fake me. The confident, smart, funny, cheerleader type. They don’t know I am nothing inside. They don’t know everything was taken away from me. They see me and believe me. I don’t believe me. If they all saw what I really am, nothing, they wouldn’t be around me. They would abandon me. Such is the mind of a mixed up adult child. Who was conditionally loved by all who surrounded her. I guess I am at the pity party. Cheers!
I have been resistant to the pity. Man who pity himself too much is not a man in my eyes. I found my narc to be really pathetic and broke off the arrangement (hard to call it with a word relationship) at the first sign of devaluation. I knew him for 4 years. I should say studied him. I have seen all symptoms just could not name it properly…I figure it out 2 years before I kicked him out of my life. What he turned out to be was just disgusting. Lier and manipulator. He decided I am not in his control and decided to punish me with the truth. That felt like a knife in my back. No straight to my heart. I was healing for few months. Nothing hurts like calculate betrayal of best friend.
Thanks for the laugh, I needed it.
Yay I’m invited! Oh wait, uh, I’m so so sorry everything is terrible. The world is out to get you. You can’t work in this town full of ravenous wolves. They all know you are better than them. Who do they think they are? Well, what comes around goes around, if they think they are going to have a go at you, ha! They better watch out. You will crush them. I know right, jealous is all they are. Everyone knows you are the best person for everything. You are like the go to person on everything. You are the guru! How dare you get treated like this, I have a mind to go down there and tell them off myself. What? Why shouldn’t i? They deserve it. Your what? Going down to headquarters? Leaving tonight? It’s Friday. Oh, so you want to be alone to collect your thoughts about what to say? Yes draft a memo. Do you want me to come with you? No, I just thought I could stay with you. Comfort you. Yes, you know best. Yes, if you stay the weekend at the hotel, relax get a massage, sleep in and eat well, you can March right in on Monday and give them a piece of your mind! If you don’t want me to call, I wont. But I will miss you. Yes, I understand, you work so hard and I feel so so sorry for you. Yes, I’ll probably go out with my friends. No I shouldn’t? Why? Oh, okay, your right you may need to get me on the phone. Well it wasn’t a big night we were just going for drinks. I’ll stay home. Yes I have cash. No. You can take it, I will just go to the bank tomorrow. Here I have a couple hundred. Pay me back? You said our money is together now. This is our money. You take it and I’ll get more. Oh yes, I’ll take your dry cleaning, mmmhmm, yes, groceries. I should make your favorite dinner when you get home Monday night. Do you have everything? Well give me a kiss and you go and chill out, get your mindset and try not to worry. K? Luv u. Call me. Meanwhile……Hi Ms Dee Hoere checking in. Yes 2 keys. Other adult is Mr. HG Tudor. Oh just point him in the right direction I will be waiting for him, we have big plans *wink* He got a promotion and wants to celebrate with a couples weekend! Poor dear works so hard and don’t tell anyone, but, his girlfriend, she’s on her way out, she never supports him, forces him to work overtime, uh the woman is a gold digger. No I don’t feel bad, the things he has told me that she has done, ugh! Oh, no we are checking out Monday , hes got a big meeting with his new boss on Monday night so. No I can’t go, it’s his first dinner meeting with him so, he needs to go alone. I am not worried at all though, he loves me so much. He bought me this bracelet. Beautiful right? You are right I am lucky!
It will be a pity party for all parties involved in the triangle tango. But you ain’t about to stop are ya?
Lol…
Parties make me queasy. Apologies HG.