The Ten Obligations of the Empath
In order to manipulate you and control you, we rely on certain behaviours which cause you to act out of fear. Fear of injury, isolation, financial ruin, loss of your home or loss of your children. We also rely on your deeply embedded sense of obligation. Owing to your honesty and decency, you feel need to do certain things. Your sense of obligation is greater than normal and we exploit this in the following ways:
- You feel responsible for us
So much of what we do is of our own doing. In fact, next to nothing is caused by you when looked at through your worldview. From our perspective you are responsible for everything. It is always your fault and we repeatedly project and blame-shift in order to condition you to feel responsible for us. You already have a sense of responsibility towards us. You feel a sense of responsiblity to nearly everybody because of the fact you are caring and compassionate. This increases when it comes to us because we are your intimate partner and you believe that it is the intimate partner who ranks amongst the highest who deserve such responsibility. This increases again when you realise that we have certain flaws and you feel a need to take on responsibility for them. Indeed, combine this natural state with the conditioning that we cause and you become someone who is over-responsible for us.
- You feel that you owe us
Once again this is a combination of the natural and the conditioned. You have been given such a wonderful time during the seduction period, given so much both material and emotional that you feel you do owe us. You are also a person who is polite and well-mannered and you feel a natural desire to return favours, thank people for what they do for you and a sense of paying the debt that has arisen. We also believe you owe us for everything we gave you during the seduction and accordingly you are obliged to repay us for the rest of the relationship and beyond. Combine these two elements and a powerful obligation of owing us is created which we are then able to exploit to our advantage.
- You feel sorry for us
That natural sympathy people possess is available in spades with someone as empathic as you. You never regard someone as weak or pathetic but rather feel sorry for them. You would not regard a homeless person as a stain on society but rather feel sorry that they find themselves in such a situation and you consider how they ended up where they are and what might be done about it. You realise our behaviours are abhorrent but rather than always feel angry about it, you feel sorry for us that we behave this way. You feel sorry that we cannot explain ourselves, that we lash out and behave in such a destructive fashion. Your exuding sympathy not only fuels us but it creates an obligation on your part towards us.
- You feel guilty
Even if you know that a certain course of action is for the best, you are assailed by the guilt that you might be hurting someone, stopping them from what they want to do or upsetting them in some way. Tough love is not a concept you want to embrace as the guilt at seeing someone else hurting, as a consequence of something that you have done, is too great. This sense of guilt forces you down different routes, often doing things which are not the best for you but nevertheless you feel obligated to do out of this considerable sense of guilt which looms large with someone empathic like you.
- You feel a need to fix us
You are a problem solver. You enjoyed the Sound of Music when you were younger and you always felt that if you had been given the chance you would have solved a problem like Maria. You regard it as your role to heal and to fix. You are of the unshakeable mind-set that everybody can be fixed. Everyone can be made better and when you experience the broken elements of our machinations and manipulations you do not shirk from them. Instead, you remain in situ and work out how you can resolve them. This obligation to make things better and to heal is a central part of who you are and is readily exploited by us since we know you are unlikely to go anywhere despite how bad things are.
- You feel it is your duty
You have a strong sense of duty. Duty to be an excellent parent, supportive friend, caring son or daughter, hard-working colleague and all round decent human being. Most of all you regard your duty to your intimate partner as one where no matter how difficult things might be you are not going to walk away. This duty is often compelled from the vows that you have taken and a strong religious undertone to your personality.
Duty is paramount and from that rises the obligation.
- You feel a need to abide by your standards
So often the world appears to have lost its moral compass and therefore it falls to a diminishing group of people to right the wrongs, stand up for the vulnerable and defend the weak. You often see that people are ruled by those twin gods of sex and money and this causes people to forget who they are and the standards they once adhered to. This is not for you. You do not do this to be lauded by others but do so because you cannot lie straight in your bed at night if you do not uphold these standards for yourself and in your daily dealings. This translates into treating people with patience, understanding, compassion and empathy, no matter how difficult it becomes. Some might suggest that you are making a rod for your own back.
- You feel a need to maintain appearances
This is not done for your own benefit. You are not like us creating an image to show the world. No, you do this to maintain appearances for the sake of others. It is keeping the family together for the sake of your children so they are not upset. It is appearing to get along with your difficult brother for the sake of your fragile elderly parents. It is taking one for the team in order to maintain an appearance so that you deal with the pain and aggravation so others do not. This need creates an obligation in you which we are content to exploit as we know it will keep you around and stop you from speaking out about what we do.
- You feel a need to never give up.
You are not a quitter. You do not give up at the first bump in the road or black cloud. You keep going, you are tenacious. You are indefatigable and you persevere. You plough forwards and feel that it is only right to do this because you know that the just reward will come at the end of it. Anything worth doing is worth doing properly. Anything worth having takes effort. We applaud this desire to stick at things.
- You feel a need to have done your best
When everything is added up and evaluated, at the end of the day, you want that satisfaction, just for yourself, to know that you did your best and you could have done no more. You always consider whether you could have done something a different way and more effectively. You are self-critical and behave like this in order to fulfil your chosen role as a good person. This obliges you to try and try again.
These empathic obligations result in your remaining with us longer, enduring more of our abusive behaviours and forgiving more of what we do than an ordinary person. We know these obligations exist and we exploit them.
16 thoughts on “The Ten Obligations of the Empath”
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Your comment regarding patterns are not the first words on here i have heard issued forth from a likely kindred spirit that is my ‘ex’ Narc!! Quite unnerving.
That our above qualities have been persistently devalued and exploited may go someway to explain our difficulties with sense of self. How can we be good when we are treated so badly….so of course we try harder. Naturally also there is conflict between these and being able to adopt normal boundaries. Always open season on us I guess? 🤔
This is really an interesting read not knowing I was an empath when I was married to my narcissistic sociopathic abusive husband. You completely described my mindset to a T. I had such a difficult time seeing him for what he truly was and seeing the relationship for the toxic mess of an illusion that it really was. I’m a fixer, a problem solver and he was one problem I couldn’t fix and realizing that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to admit and walk away from. That was in august 2016. Everyday I’m still working on myself to get through the mental and physical turmoil he caused me. One day I’ll get there, one day this will be a decent memory.
Hi HG. Big question please: how is it that you know SO much, not just about you and your kind individually (lesser/midrange/greater etc), AND, you know SO much about OUR kind (empath/super empath/ supernova etc)? I understand how you would know ‘yourself’ backwards, and even a basic empath, BUT, all the knowledge in between about all of us ‘collectively’, is one massive feat. Have you studied this for years, on mass??? Its just amazing the things you know (and can therefore teach us).
Thanks heaps. 🙂
Hi Lisa, yes, in order to become as effective as I am, I have made it my business to understand both my kind and yours.
By study (therefore theory, or practical obsevation through experience with each type?) Its such a complex subject and you never cease to amaze with with your knowlege. Thanks heaps. L.
Practical through observation and then consideration. I am good at identifying patterns.
Indeed you are HG. Thank you so much. 🙂
Wow! HG😳 Please don’t say you’re my narc! ….. this is weird! Every single thing you post is on point and scaring me🙉😳. Totally agree with you Oarkor Willow…. please pray for me…🙏🏿 Thankyou HG 😘
Reading this really surprised me. I thought all of these were normal human traits that everyone has. Except narcs, of course. Aren’t all people like this? Wasn’t everyone brought up to act and think like this? It’s like I’m understanding him more and understanding me less and less. Who am I? What am I? What the hell am I going to do….???
Most of these are true in my case.
*what he said* moment.
Big ouch. Yes to every one of those qualities. Feels like the narcissist’s whole life is a check. Mate. Stream of consciousness, every day.
The detached manner in which you detail the nature of the empathic person makes me feel soooo good inside to know that I did the right thing in kicking out my husband last month after I broke into his fone and found evidence of his double life. This gas station is permanently shut.
Wow!!! I’m all (or was) of the above with a wild adventurous streak, also an edge if really pushed!! I thought I was a complex character after reading this I’m obviously not as are others as this has completely nailed my personality.
Sadly, this is why he said, “Stop fighting for me.” But he doesn’t realize I wasn’t fighting for HIM… I was fighting for ME. And that was all real and true, but what I didn’t get was that I was fighting for PERMISSION to see ugliness where I see ugliness and stop believing there was an ounce of good in him. I was fighting all the New Age BULLSHIT that looks upon all negativity as “My Shadow.” I have weaknesses for sure. But HIS Lies and manipulations and struggling to accept who and what he was was not MY shadow. It was permission to call someone EVIL.
Who was I always avoiding calling evil really? Pretty sure it was my own Narc Mother. She did something to me, a number of things, that stripped me of any ability to respond to all those waving red flags, all those knot churning stomach sensations, all those clanging warning bells that told me to RUN from evil people.
You know that story in People of the LIe, parents give suicided son’s the suicide gun to the other child? I was attempting to discuss evil with my mother once, and brought that up. Her only reaction was , “oh, no… that’s not evil.” Not even a wow, that’s kinda sick. Same mother mourned her son who drank himself to death at a pub the night before his service with his drinking buddies.
I adopted all of those to survive HER. And other things, but mostly HER. So I was never fighting for the Narc…. I was fighting for my self and to get my boundaries up and to keep him out. He thought I was fighting for him….
In some way it is funny for me, because my narcissistic mother wanted to create an angel of me. This is totally different to your mother. I should neglect all my own feelings, my desires, my needs. I should be someone without negative feelings, always doing good things. I should be no –one. All the topic you mentioned above, I should fulfill. She succeeded for a long time. I denied my own feelings for many years. She exploited me (the angel creation) a long time, pointing out on that creation. It was, as if I was guilty just from my birth. Now, I am proud to say, I ignore her wishes and needs very often and I am not an empath (in your sense) anymore. I am full with envy, jealousy, anger, hate, sadness and also joy, fun, responsibility and all the things, you mentioned above. I do not feel overly compassion with people, who are not responsible. I am a whole human now. That is fantastic. I do respect myself. Manipulating people, exploiting people, totally egoistic people, lying people are not welcome in my live and they will be punished appropriately , if they do ignore my boundaries. I do not want to admit, but I learned a lot here and therefore I do show respect for your work and I have to thank you. But nevertheless ….all the time I have to think of your victims and feel compassion for them. My heart is with your victims.
Mr. Tudor was your mother not the same? She expected nothing less than perfection, right? Were you not the golden child? Achieving the most in comparison to the other children? She had the most expectation from you.
She did. I was.