Regrets?
Dr E explained that he wanted to discuss with me the issue of regret.
“Have you ever regretted anything?” he asked.
“No,” I answered promptly.
“I see. What do you understand by regret?”
“It is a feeling of sadness or perhaps disappointment over something that you have done or failed to do.”
“When have you experienced that feeling?” he asked.
“I haven’t.”
“If I tell you that most people have regrets, which ones would you remember?”
“Which of their regrets would I remember?” I asked. He looked up at me over the top of his red and black note pad and raised his eyebrows.
“I haven’t had any,” I repeated.
“Why do you think that is?”
“Let me see. Probably because I have had nothing to express regret about. The absence of something tends to be the reason why you have not something, wouldn’t you agree?”
“Okay. Now in your many explanations to me you have explained some of the things that you have done. Yes,” he noticed I was going to interrupt him but he kept going, “I know you detailed those at my behest and I appreciate you sharing that information with me. Those acts of commission and omission led to people feeling angry with you, hurt and upset. Would you agree?”
I nodded.
“Okay. Now I would suggest that one might feel regret at having caused those people to feel that way. Would you agree?”
“You might feel a sense of regret Dr E but I do not.”
“Why is that?”
“Why to which part? Why you might feel a sense of regret or why I do not?”
If he was irritated by my pedantry he was not showing it.
“The latter.”
“Because I am not at fault. In all those instances it is the other person’s fault.”
“How about some examples?”
“Okay. Kate’s dog went missing. Do you remember me telling you about that?” He nodded. “If she had cared for it properly and given me the attention I deserve it would not have been lost. Christopher who was fired from his position, he was incompetent. Emily kept asking me the wrong questions so that is why she was treated in that way. Sophie kept asking me what I was thinking so that is why I lost my temper and smashed her television. As for Paula, she was late so I walked off and left her to find her own way home. Do you want me to go on?”
“No, that is sufficient.”
“If people tried harder, if they were more thoughtful then this would not happen. I can do it so why not they? I will tell you why. They become weak and complacent. They think that they can not invest any energy into our relationship, whether intimate or not, any longer. If you do not feed something it will wither and die. They brought it on themselves and they are the ones at fault. My reaction was perfectly natural. I was entitled to respond the way I did. They cannot judge me, they have no jurisdiction to do so, certainly not when they let me down every single time. They bring it on themselves with their weakness and their whining, their reluctance to do what is needed, what I need. It sickens me doctor, it truly sickens me. Have you any idea how difficult it is to find someone who retains my interest, someone scintillating enough to match my brilliance? It is impossible. I try Dr E, I bloody well try to I offer them the world in the hope that just this once they will match my expectations and not let me down. It always happens. I am always let down. She did it the first time and then it happened again and now it is repeated. Why? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve being treated like this? I regret nothing doctor because nothing is my fault.”
46 thoughts on “Regrets?”
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There is a “niceness” in you …. The assistance you provide to the bewildered persons of a Nararcisst.. x x
Hi HG,
I am sorry if you find this question redundant, but I haven’t read all the questions other commenters have asked, so I wanted to know what would make a narcissist change, or want to change? Perhaps you have no desire to answer my question, but hey, at least I asked.
My therapist insists that because narcissists are human, when they are vulnerable & regretful, they will change. In my limited research on the subject of narcissism, I haven’t come across anything that states narcissists can change for the better.
I have to say, though, I genuinely do hope you change for the better.
I wish you peace in you heart, HG
Hello Tanya, thank you for your kind wishes.
Generally it is not the case that we will change. Lesser and Mid-Range do not know what they are, therefore will be resistant to any suggestion they need to change because they see nothing to change. The Greater sees no reason to change because of how effective he or she is. That said, I have been finding my therapy interesting and I have noticed (looking back which is not something I do very often and indeed did it with the suggestion of the good doctors) some changes. I remain open-minded as to where I shall end up.
But HG … how effective are you? Really? This is not an effective way to conduct yourself to get needs met- there has to be another way to get fuel …. and if anyone can crack this disorder I’m putting my money on you and the good doctors. Addiction and the 12 steps is a good solution I believe addicts treat people much like narcisst in active addiction it’s the moral inventory that frees us, then telling our truth, which you are doing then making amends and actively asking some power other than ourselfs to guide us so our old patterns don’t rear their ugly heads … it’s a process that’s worked for many but requires rigorous honesty – there’s the kicker !
You disappeared Kate’s dog? Makes me very happy I don’t have a dog.
HG you must drive your therapist crazy. It is amusing and frustrating read. Anyway, maybe you recall my comment on the standard operating procedures I made few days ago. Just adopt your own life-SOP, force yourself to follow what you disregard deep inside. I mean what therapist suggest. I am sure you force yourself to adopt your behaviors all the time for the public as you maintain your mask. This is such a similar approach. Requires a lot of work and strong will though. Maybe you are just not up to that challenge?
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evXLWtwVQNE&w=560&h=315%5D
Watch The World Argue: You are all you need, it’s all in your hands.
Yes, we are all down on our knees in one way or another….lol
So can we assume none of your lieutenants have ever misbehaved, since they have not been discarded or is the fuel they generate enough to get them a stay of execution? Clearly, you don’t kick everyone to the curb and clearly everyone has the capacity to cause you outrage.
Once in a while they may not perform as required but overall performance means they are not discarded because it just takes some correction to bring them back into line again.
No wonder therapists loathe working with you people.
I am sorry I let you down. In doing so, I let myself down. Now what? Naughty step with the crew?
I wonder if he’ll deliberately make naughty step smaller so we have to fight to stay on it? I have a feeling we have to wear a bikini and there’s mud surrounding that step.
No bikini for me. Nor mud. I do not like to get dirty.
They still blame me but I am not responsible for the happiness of my parents or sibs or husband. A different standard applies to me.
I escaped my marriage. If I did one tenth of the escapades of my husband or sisters I would have been hung.
Peace.
Janice you are only responsible for your happiness and they may care to consider one day that you were pressed to do exactly what you have done, for your own preservation and sanity. These types of people, may wake up when the dawn rises one morn’, the day their life hangs in the balance and all of their regrets, will be on them but it will be too late to work through for their own peace.
Janice..I am liking that first sentence. ☺
If you go on about they did this or that to me and since you are so intelligent then how can such an intellegent person not realize that somethings are your fault! How can you not realize or have the emotional capacity or respect that if you do not like how they treat you that they are not liking how you treat them? This thinking is crazy its beyond my comprehension how you people think this way how can you not care how does ones brain get this way how is it possible. And why and how do you pick a main source if you do not care why dont you just go from one to another and not live or be withanyone?
It is because of a different perspective borne out of the necessity of how we must operate. Have a read of Toxic Logic in order to get your head around this. It is often difficult for people to do, because you see it only from your perspective TLD and it makes no sense.
We cannot be without a primary source, our fuel levels would be far too low. Our needs come before anybody else’s.
How do you chose you primary source? Is it hard to find one? Do you feel different if a primary source leaves you than a secondary source? Do you treat them differently?
Hello Eumajoc, the primary source is chosen on the basis of empathic, class and special traits which culminate to ensure the best fuel, someone who will be susceptible to our seduction and ensnarement, who provides traits and residual benefits. This is addressed in greater detail in Sitting Target.
Did you ever regret loosing a “good” primary source or they are same for you?
I don’t engage in regret. I might have been infuriated by one escaping.
How do you choose your primary source? Is it hard to find one? What do you feel if she decides to leave you?
He always told me he had no regrets about the affair.
Don’t tell his wife, eh? I think she’s banking on that.
Who are you talking about Jarwithaheavylid? Having trouble following…you are a fellow Aussie, I see?
Tell his wife!
Yes I heard:
You were a let down, your don’t know how to talk to me, you don’t behave, watch what comes out of your mouth, why are you making this hard and shit, you are a victim (“me badass”), you always want to fight (you are supposed to allow me to say and do whatever I want), you misunderstood, you should have thought of needing me before, control yourself, think twice and count to 10 before opening your mouth with me, this is me giving you my ultimate chance (after saying that how many times that I had not more chances?) and on and on and on.
Read something else on your blog…. It got so I started ‘parroting’ him back, “no YOU are the letdown and you know it”. Anything to get his stinky myopic accusations and put downs off of me…
The worse of it was he got to me by PRETENDING to have regrets in life. For REGRETTING how he treated me 35 years ago. After blaming everything but the kitchen sink for what he did, he finally let on that he did what he did intentionally. And then even repeated what he did back then in the present only WORSE. So this was when I knew he had no REAL regret. He did not FEEL regret or remorse nor did he have a conscience about what he did or it would never have happened again because he would have been capable of lying about what had happened and then used that old situation over and over and over to control me in some form or another.
Thank you, I always knew he could not possible FEEL regret. He only used that word in conjunction with hoovering me for fuel. He just picked up where he left off. It always felt that way. And from what you say, he did… in his mind, he never DID forget me but he didn’t remember me for the positive reasons I wanted him to remember me for, or he pretended to remember me for (love). Lifetime of supply but pretended to have a lifetime of regrets…. How can anyone feel regret if they don’t feel remorse? or can tolerate feelings of humiliation or shame long enough to allow it to change their actions/behaviors?
Sarabella- I am sorry <3
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YG9otasNmxI?list=RDRP84pGu7sAU&w=560&h=315%5D
Hi HG: Exclusively for you HG; you will not admit and I don’t expect you to but there is something in this that you need now. As I am surrounded by birds, I want you to find the fuel that is much more than you could ever know. There is another way to live, you have the options, it is within you. There is always another way to do things, you know that.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YG9otasNmxI&w=560&h=315%5D
I am a perfectionist by nature. Less than perfect, people ignorance make me irritated. What is a key difference between me and narc? The reaction to the disappointment people cause. Even if I am angry, I do not show it and try to help the other person to fix their mistakes. This is the key difference, empathy let me to assess that unleashing my anger towards others is unacceptable socially and it is hurful. I do not want intentionally hurt other people. So I control my impulses. I go over the initial anger quickly and support the other person. Anger does not control me.
Isn’t a conscience needed to experience regret?
Not with a narc! They regret losing the win, at all costs, the only time they regret is when it does not come off’, as they planned or preconceived.
Didn’t think about the regret of losing. You’re right.
I cannot speak for all of my kind, but I do not experience regret if, by some strange rift in the time space continuum, I am unable to secure a victory.
Regret is a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done. Thus, as MsSevyn noted, a conscience is required to feel regret since it involves sadness and repentance (I am incapable since I do not experience sadness and I am never repentant for my actions).
If I did fail to secure a victory (fat chance), I would most certainly blame it on something or someone else. The loss would not stem from my failings, but from the failings of someone or something else.
I would be wounded by the loss and then I would become enraged. I would then put all my effort into destroying the person(s) responsible or appointing a fall person to enact my revenge upon. It would not matter if the fall person had nothing to do with it in the first place, as long as someone pays for the slight against me that cost me the win.
Regret has to do with wishing you hadn’t taken a particular action. You may regret an action because it hurt someone else, but you may also regret it because it hurt you, it cost you something emotionally or financially, or led to a punishment or undesirable result. Regret can lead a person to feel sorrow, grief, hurt and anger—but these can be for the pain s/he feels for the self, not necessarily for the other person who was hurt by the behavior.
I respectfully disagree especially since regret is largely characterized by being repentant.
BE I respectfully disagree since I regret placing myself in a position to believe at first sight what was an illusion and repentance has nothing to do with that regret.
Bloody Elemental,
“I would then put all my effort into destroying the person(s) responsible or appointing a fall person to enact my revenge upon.”
What does that look like in practice? How far would you go to feel satisfied?
Smear campaign, character assassination, make them lose their job or livelihood (if self-employed), house, marriage, children, life?
N’s don’t have a “mercy” component. An Empath will surrender when the cost becomes too high. N’s seek to conquer, crush or destroy.
indeed! nothing is Your fault!!!! 😢💔
This is so true.. my ex told me it was my fault as i shouldnt have questioned him. If you are questioning me then im not the right guy for you… when he ended it i said to him you are just giving up to which he replied no im not. You brought this on yourself with your constant assumptions and questioning. He told me you were my world but your constant assumptions emotionally drained me..then in the next message he would admit that he doesnt deal well with arguments and he drags them out. He overreacts and hes mega stubborn. So yes he has no regrets as its my fault. Then the mind games come as he admits that he over reacts and drags out arguments.
He is a typical tosser- yet another loser who loses out and will do all his days.
In the scenarios where you gave examples to Dr. E asking why you did not feel regret to people feeling angry or hurt by you, had they already gone into the devalue mode?
I guess I’m trying to determine when you are targeting or seducing someone, you are able to discern if someone is not intentionally trying to let you down, (i.e. running late to meet you because of traffic or their boss kept them later at work) you show more understanding at that point in the relationship. You do have the ability to feel a connection with someone. You do feel infatuated with them, which for you, is as close to love as it gets. If there is a way for you to maintain that level of understanding, for your sake, then you won’t feel let down as much. I realize there is still the issue of the relationship feeling stale at some point and wanting negative fuel, but if the other person becomes aware that you struggle with this in the way you are wired, not to all impune your abilities and strengths, there would be a way to communicate to you so you feel soothed rather than wounded.