The Infidelity Weapon
Infidelity is a given when you are ensnared by one of our kind. We know that it is not pleasant for you to think of us in the arms of another, conjoined in sexual congress as we do things with them that we have done with you and then we return to you. We know that infidelity is something that someone like you abhors. You have a strong moral compass, you behave in an honest and decent fashion and expect us to do the same. That will not happen. You place considerable belief in the question of trust and the concept of monogamy. Our infidelity will manifest in lots of different ways: –
- Having sexual liaisons with third parties, some of whom will be strangers and others will be prospects who are looking to seduce;
- Sending and receiving text messages of a sexual content;
- Describing online what we want to do to someone and they to us;
- Sexual liaisons with your friends and family members;
Although I know it is scant consolation to you since ultimately it is the breach of trust which causes you the greatest pain, we do not commit acts of infidelity because we want the sex. Admittedly, the physical sensation is enjoyable but that is not the reason we are repeatedly unfaithful. In terms of our attitudes to sex and especially sex with you, read Sex and the Narcissist. For the purposes of this publication it is sufficient to explain that when are unfaithful the sex is not the primary purpose. It is the fact that in your world sex is equated with love, affection and attraction and as a consequence it serves a purpose as a formidable weapon in our hands. We use it to seduce so we can gain additional fuel from third parties. We use it to seduce a new prospect who will provide us with fuel and will ultimately replace you. Initially we will be covert about our infidelity as we do not wish to damage having you as our primary source and therefore our need to obtain fuel from secondary sources through infidelity will remain covered up. Over time we will continue to use sex with other people as a means of gaining additional fuel but we will also be doing this to seduce your replacement. Eventually when we start our devaluation of you, we will be far less covert concerning our extra-marital affairs and often we will not care if you know or not. Indeed, we may even flaunt a mistress in front of you for the purposes of making you try harder and to provoke you so that you provide us with additional negative fuel.
Infidelity is not about the sex. It is about fuel. It is about control. Being unfaithful to you abuses your trust, it pours scorn on the vows we have taken and makes a mockery of you and what you stand for. It is abusive behaviour and to expect a narcissist to always be faithful is like expecting the tide to stop advancing when you tell it do so. It just will not happen. Infidelity is second nature to us because the weapon that is sex is just too good not to use to gain additional fuel. If there was another device that was so potent we would use it instead. The fact that sex feels enjoyable is just a matter of nerve endings and a pleasant side-effect. For us, sex is all about using it to further our aims; gathering fuel.
We will be unfaithful to you at some point. That is a guarantee. When we are first seducing you, we will be in the process of devaluing someone else leading to his or her discard. We most likely will have withdrawn sex from the victim who we are devaluing and by having sex with you as the new object of our seduction. This does not mean that since you are the apple of our eye we will be faithful to you. We will have intermittent sex with the person who is subjected to the devaluation either as a means of giving them a short golden period again or for the purposes of extracting further fuel by subjecting them to humiliating sexual activities. We will also be courting other prospects also as well as you and therefore there is a strong likelihood we will be bedding that person also. We will, when seducing you, maintain an image of fidelity since that is what you expect. If you are conducting an affair with us, we will assure you that our current partner (whom we are devaluing) never has sex with us, we sleep in separate beds and so on. We will bemoan the fact they never have sex with us in order to draw sympathy from you as the new prospect.
By contrast, we will triangulate you as the new prospect with our current partner. We will drop heavy hints that we are being unfaithful or even actively admit it in order to further the hurt. Our rationale behind this is that monogamy is for the little people and this does not include us. That would make us less special and we cannot have that. We are entitled to seek sex outside of a relationship because this is our inalienable right to enable us to obtain fuel. We feel no guilt in doing this, we do not respect any vows we may have given to remain faithful to you and we have no qualms about coupling with someone else. The reason for this is that we have to do it and in a perverse way, the only reflection on you is that you are not giving us the fuel we need. It is not a reaction to what you look like, what you do, who your friends are or what your interests might happen to be. We will of course use them, as a method of lashing out at you should you try and question us about our infidelity because as I have explained in Manipulated we will deploy blame shifting frequently when we are under attack. It is often the case that when a partner learns of the infidelity of their partner that they will scrutinise their own conduct.
“Is it something I have done?”
This means that you will examine your own behaviour and try to improve in some way because you will want to salvage our relationship. The fact of your addiction means you do not want to let us go. You will be mightily hurt and offended by our infidelity but you will try to find some way of fixing it because that is what you like to do. If our infidelity shows any risk of causing you to depart, we will hastily reinstate the golden period, as a Preventative Hoover, if you will, to stop you departing from us. Most of the time however, because of the way you are, you blame yourselves (often because we warp your way of thinking to do this) and you try to patch things over. Your need to resolve matters results in you clinging to us notwithstanding our infidelity. Indeed, in some instances you want to prove that you are better than the person we committed our infidelity with. You want to fight to retain us and ensure that our relationship triumphs.
We will also use infidelity as a means by which to control you and make you do what we want: –
“If you gave me more attention I would not go elsewhere.”
“If you put out more often I would not have to get it from someone else.”
“Perhaps if you hadn’t let yourself slide I wouldn’t stray would I?”
“If you thought more about me rather than yourself perhaps it would not have happened?”
“I won’t leave you, I should, but I will stay but some things are going to have to change.”
You are the victim. We have committed the transgression but other than when we fear you might leave us and sever our supply of fuel, we will not apologise but pin the blame on you. You will have been subjected to a succession of manipulation wiles in order to browbeat you and lower your resistance so that when we unveil our infidelity we use it as a method of getting what we want from you, namely more fuel and more control.
Infidelity is bad enough in the context of a “normal” relationship. With our kind it will always happen, it will always happen with many people and will do so repeatedly. It is a further black flag of abusive behaviour.
101 thoughts on “The Infidelity Weapon”
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HG, is it possible that some MR narcs do not cheat because they believe they are decent people and cheating is not ok for them (it is part of the self-image they have of themselves? I understand that their need for fuel will push them to be unfaithful and that their NPD will instinctively find a justification for doing it, but I know some narcs that really seem to be sexually faithful and get their fuel with other methods.
1. Possible, albeit rare.
2. There are various forms of cheating.
Physical vs emotional, you mean?
What were you referring to HG when you said there are various forms of cheating? Physical vs emotional?
Intellectual.
Physical.
Sexual.
Financial.
Emotional.
(Well done on noticing the need to restate the context. Thank you for doing so!)
Thanks HG.
I just found another great answer. I thought you were away from the blog so started trawling.
I appreciate your answer. Was very surprised. Pleasantly. Cheers! 🙏
“Infidelity can occur in many different ways. Most people get their panties in a twist about the physical interaction but we could always spend time with an talk to someone else other than the primary source, lavish gifts on them and not the primary source, help them and not the primary source, share our experiences and hopes with someone other than the primary source, go to places with that person and not the primary source.
An intimate relationship comprises the provision of sex, attention, resources, emotional support, experiencing things together, discussing things and so forth. One could deny any of those things to the primary source and give them to someone else and thus they are being unfaithful. Of course people just do not see it ‘as bad’ but they ought to.” HG 2017
Thanks for posting that, NN.
Sorry, I pressed “post” a little too soon!
HG
I am hesitant when it comes to any one person fulfilling all those needs you mentioned. Physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, etc. Perhaps you’re not saying that, though?
The fairy tale side of me likes to believe this, sometimes it happens even, but I would argue a healthy relationship (over time) is one that can discuss all needs but not necessarily receive and give exclusively these to just one person.
I guess the premise for disloyalty and infidelity is when we *withhold* something, and give it to another, or not be available.
I find it difficult to distinguish between jealousy here and a legitimate need, sometimes.
My attention to you, and consequently this blog, for instance, could be seen as infidelity in my partner’s viewpoint, as it’s taking a lot of my time lately.
Thoughts?
1. Pouring your heart out to someone other than your partner may well be viewed as emotional infidelity – not always but one can envisage scenarios where a person would be hurt by someone confiding in their emotional concerns elsewhere. That does not have to be a member of the opposite sex either.
2. Spending the household’s money on someone outside of that household without agreement.
3. Spending time doing chores for someone outside of the household whilst neglecting the needs of the household.
4. Spending free time elsewhere as opposed to with your partner.
5. Sitting in a stripjoint watching the performers. Nothing physical happens but I envisage many people who would not look on that favourably.
Great find, NN.
I have been frustrated with humankind about that very thing forever, I believe it is a narc manipulation to identify only sex as cheating. An individual or institution can justify all sorts of devaluing behavior by ignoring, permitting abstract abuse of a marriage agreement and then controlling through moral shaming of divorce and/or sexual activity.
I did experience all the other infidelities, but not the sexual one. If there was sexual infidelity, I never became aware of (although I have solid reasons to believe there wasn’t any with one narc). With the other one, the only time I had a doubt, I left. I suppose that, with him, it would have been just a matter of time though.
Thanks for your reply HG.
You are welcome.
I think it’s pretty common that *physical* cheating in some religious MRNs is unacceptable.
I agree Lou! When it comes to porn and sex outside of marriage, esp. for the religious N, it certainly fits.
NN, yes, one of the narcs I had in mind when I asked my question is a religious one. I am pretty sure he sleeps only with his IPPS. Although, in theory, he should not be sleeping with anybody. Ha, ha.
Wow this is my ex husband 200% covert narc
He told me his wife and he did it on Sunday nights. I guess this is another way of abusing someone. Then again, maybe they didn’t – he just knew that was the night I rocked out playing music at the pub and he hated it. Either way, I didn’t dwell on it. Our love surpassed those boundaries, don’t you know? 😉
Lol Jar, don’t I know! Our love surpasses any and all boundaries!
Explaining sex how you did in your book, Sex and the Narcissist, if you can have an emotional affair with someone and extract tons of fuel without having to get physical, do you, personally prefer that? Or does the power play with feeling a rush of control make the physical aspect worthwhile for you?
I was recently told by JN, that one thing he loved about me was how I hand over all control to him and don’t “fight” him on any of his requests. And he watched me “truly get off on that”.
I thought it was an interesting choice of words saying I don’t “fight” him on his requests. It has been well over a year since we’ve been face to face so I’m sure he has plenty to compare me to by now. But if that’s the fuel that keeps him hoovering it’s extremely confusing that he doesn’t pursue to actually get. Only ever talk about it.
So it does make sense with you saying with Narcs, that sex feeling good is just a by-product and not necessarily a must-have.
I just ordered Sex and the Narcissist. I am looking forward to reading it, although I do not expect to gain all the answers I am seeking. When I first discovered the infidelity I believed my narc to be a sex addict. In fact thats what I started to research initially. However, the majority of his affairs were emotional. These emotional affairs hurt so much more than the occasional fling or the on going hook ups I later discovered. It was the hook ups that I couldn’t understand. I see how he gained fuel from all but those hook ups- those were his dirty secret that he NEVER wanted ANYONE to discover. He was hooking up with men. This didn’t occur all that often in the beginning of our relationship, or maybe I just hadn’t applied my detective skills early on. During these encounters he only ever pleasured them and as far as I could tell, this interaction left him feeling humiliated. Therefore, my question is why? Where is the fuel? I also wonder if this secret has anything to do with how he came to be Narcissistic.
Hi HG. Wondering why I haven’t posted. Did my ex Narc get ahold of you?
Do you mean, why hasn’t your post appeared? It will be in moderation Numb.
You talk as if you tell what i told you happened. It is like you prophesy about exactly what happened with my ex. Narcissistic is real.
On 13 Jan 2017 8:39 PM, “Knowing the Narcissist” wrote:
> HG Tudor posted: ” Infidelity is a given when you are ensnared by one of > our kind. We know that it is not pleasant for you to think of us in the > arms of another, conjoined in sexual congress as we do things with them > that we have done with you and then we return to you. We” >
Try 17 years of infedelity, the ultimate betrayal… and still it was all my fault.
Virtual hugs to you. Why the world is bearing those bustards. They should all go to hell. Ugh. I read all those stories and they make me so upset. My suffering seems to be irrelevant comparing to many of you. I am brutal sometimes towards HG in my comments and inquires but this has nothing to do with him, it is not personal … I think this blog is so helpful and great and he is doing a fantastic job. It is venting. This is why I am here. I need help and venting forum. As many of us.
Narc hid a secret. All this talk about being great in bed. I get with him. Reach down, nothing there. I mean, tiny. I was shocked. He must have felt my shock. He then checked out and his eyes disappeared. Like he wasn’t there. Started to spit on me but I stopped him. After it all, he pulled away. Refused to kiss me. Literally shook his had back and forth like a kid avoiding medicine. Wouldn’t touch me. I felt this ice cold feeling in me. We started to drive home. He switches into this comedy mode. Next night, he comes to see me. Says how he is underdeveloped. Refuses to kiss me. I couldn’t believe it. He goes totally psychotic on me and does a snear campaign in something from my childhood. He tells me weeks later he allegedly had a date that same night. He though it would be wierd to kiss me and later see her. That was going to be the last night I see him as he lives far away. He didn’t even change his schedule fir my i week there. He didn’t try to pretend for even a week. He says, he didn’t want to give me the wrong idea, that we were just friends. What a sick, sick move. Night before he had no problem being sexual.. It has nothing to do with sex cause he was awful to touch his whole body was awful. All about inflicting hurt. He was experiencing a narc injury when I found out his size and ED. Right? He lashed out at me. Punished me and I never did a thing mean or reject him. Sound about right? He went into narc criticism and injury all on his own? I never could figure the whole thing out. It was brutally traumatic.
SARABELLA
Im sorry you had such a bad experience. How long had you been involved with him when this happened if you don’t mind me asking?
NAngel, I wish I could give you an answer that would make sense. But our dear host could tell you… I was never involved with him. I was targeted, as I see it now, as a young girl, 14 by him, he was about 17. He did then, what i see now, was mini IDD cycle. He absolutely discarded me and ignored me. Fast forward to the damage Facebook causes, he ‘found me’ decades later. See, when he did that to me as a kid, I erased him memory. But he had planted his ugly disease. I actually felt I would never meet someone like him again (his energy) and it actually stayed an unconscious force in my life. So He comes back and the games begane. Worst? I had blocked the history. And him. And he was able to do what he did because I didn’t remember. That is how traumatized I was. but he knew. He always knew even that I didn’t fully remember him. So there were lies and half truths. Confessions of what he had done and a fake apology based on lies of what had really happened. He did all the tricks and games long distance, begged me to visit. And when I did, this is when he completely trauma bonded me and did everything talked about here in one compressed 3 or 4 days and all that happened… I was thrown into complete and total PTSD of a massive level… and that is when I began my quest for answers for what had happened to me, why the bizarre hurtful behavior.
So yea…. you are theirs… he picked up like he had left off. 35 years later. this hoover stuff, no joke.
I was just reading Exorcism. I am not paralyzed anymore but it was a loong 3 years. And if he made me fall in love with myself, he succeeded. My art is more beautiful than ever… the love is shinning through. I have him blocked everywhere. He will never get near my life again. But I still have missing pieces….. I could not read this blog where I was 3 years ago. now, its solidifying and confirming everything I had been learning about what happened to me.
SARABELLA
Wow. That was quite a ride. Just reinforces my belief that no good can come from Facebook for one. I’m glad you have your art to turn to as I’m sure it has been both therapeutic and comforting (not to mention I’m sure-wildly creative at times lol). What type of medium? I am glad you are in a better place now and have found this site especially. You will find all the information you will ever need in a most blunt and honest format (along with the books) and the people are a wonderful diverse mix with varying experiences and supportive. Oh yeah-the Dark Prince that runs this joint is pretty spectacular also.
Holy hell! I had a guy with a very small penis, the size of my thumb. No kidding! It was a good thing it was dark in the room because the face I made when I reached down would have been priceless!
But the narc I had for a short period has Peyronie’s Disease. So his little 6 inch is now 5. UGH! Good thing his mouth was good.
I am sure this issue screws up his head even more.
AHOH
That made me laugh. Not at the guy but at the thought of the face you probably made when you discovered his……..um…..deficit. Had never heard of Peyronies either so I looked it up (cause you just never know lol). So when you discovered this guy had a wicked left hook did you make the same face? You’re so matter of fact (love that about you) I can’t imagine you didn’t say something to either of them. I didn’t come here to play hockey comes to mind, or did you leave your dick in your other pants….come on….what did you say? I can’t stop laughing.
The article I reviewed said guys with Peyronies (which is actually scar tissue) sometimes also had thickening of the hands and fingers. Co-incidence? I think not. Narc warning: all that porn and pulling your puddin could lead to Peyronies.
Still laughing.
OH MY GOODNESS!! NarcAngel! I laugh with you!
The guy. Thumbellenard was very cute with a round firm ass, a tennis pro. I played with him for 6 months. He lived in Denver. I can say he was easy and I did not have to use my sword swallowing skills, if you know what I mean. Never was cruel to him because he was kind and sweet.
Peyronie Boy, well he has it in his hands too which hurt when he plays the piano. I have no feeling either way on this. His so called burden to bare.
What did I say to him? He told me I have to lose weight, I told him to go get his dick fixed. Yes I did use it against him. He said he brought a bat to the fight and I would bring a cannon.
“Narc warning: all that porn and pulling your puddin could lead to Peyronies.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^I am dying over here!!
P.S. His was not to the left nor to the right. It would be good for the G-Spot. If you know what I mean. He loved smaller (5 footers) women due to this. I was most likely to big physically for him.
He did work out so his body was off the hook. Just had a small penis that had a head that look at him instead of the partner. lolololol
Oh my goodness! You gals are teaching me so much! Thank you for the sex ed. By the way, I’ve learned the older narcs might not want get down and dirty but boy do they give nice gifts!
Do they now? What was your nicest gift you received?
Truely aweful experience. Such a cruelity just to show their power. Cruel children this is what they are. Narcs.
Basically, these people are a black hole. Nothing will make them whole, satisfied for long, and will always be longing for something they will never find.
Short and to the point. I do not believe therapy can help any of those individuals. I would hope but people do not change , especially if they are no reason to do it. I would love to see any real case that psychiatrists present to prove that therapy can work. HG seem to have a good fun with his doctor. I am not sure though if there is any objective progress during the treatment. HG I know this is private and sensitive but I would like to know. Do you make any progress? In your and your doctor opinion as they may be different. If you don’t want to address it, just ignore it. I am a pain in the neck and I know it but I will keep asking.
Hello BAB1, in terms of progress I believe I have made considerable progress in linking events in the past with current behaviours, understanding more about how I function, understanding more about the people that I interact with and why. So far it has been very much an exercise in increased awareness and understanding as opposed to modification. Clearly the former must occur before the latter can be contemplated.
Thank you and I am your virtual supporter. Even if I mean to you sometimes.
I have no issue with being challenged in this forum.
So narcissists are made through life events that have affected them adversely, and it is not something they are born with because a part of their brain is not functioning normally e.g. due to dysfunctional signalling?
Hi ANK , HG has explained previously on several posts narcissism is a result of the combination of a genetic predisposition and environment (abuse/trauma). For more detailed scientific evidence in support of this, search my comment on the post Twisted.
Can I ask… Is it possible to have an emotional affair with a somatic narcissist? x
Hello A383, from your perspective, absolutely. From their perspective, there will be emotions involved but they will not be ‘good’ ones.
Thank you very much for answering my question. That’s what I was hoping for from him…😉 (don’t judge me).
Unfortunately, I was discarded before we got to the good stuff (intimacy issues maybe?). He eventually came back….but now it’s just intermittent communication… Loads of cancelled meetings…future faking….please tell me HG …. Please… What’s his game after almost a year?…..confused!!!!
And BTW …. I’ve only just found your site and like so many others learned more in one week than six months reading other forums, experts….So thank you. x
Thank you for your kind words A383 and yes if you want the answers this is the place to be. The behaviours now are all designed to string you along and extract fuel from you. He is doing it because he knows he can and it works. It all comes down to one thing ; gaining fuel. Don’t react. Go no contact.
AHOH
Hey AHOH, are you back from vacation or blogging on the beach?
I am back since yesterday. Nice and tanned. Blogging on the beach was just what I needed!
I might go back in March. I am working with the UK tour company that booked my trip to South America. I think I will drop Macchu Pichu and just do the Galopigoes Islands. I want to spend at least a month in Scandinavia this summer too. I have lots to look forward to and think about what adventure I will add to the already busy summer.
AHOH
How great is your life!
NA Well, let me count the ways how great my life is……..
I have paid my dues trust me on this. I have earned and deserve every damn cent I have to have this freedom. But every perfect looking life of someone always has woes. I had this conversation with my friend from Sweden.
I had one relationship in my life that could have been normal and healthy. It was with my fiancé at age 24. I left him because I was broken. I have been chasing this since. I realized this and more importantly accepted this in this journey on this Narcsite. I am broken in many ways.
People see me and my life and think it is perfect, but I am alone. Yes, it is by choice because I do not know how to do fix this. I always find something wrong with them. When it is me all along.
Yes, I have a material life and I can do many things. In other words I can pick my misery.
I am not feeling sorry for myself, I would not change a thing at this very moment. But I am alone. I am not lonely but there are times you just want to be able to turn to someone and say please take the reins, I am tired. I have made the decisions for every fucking situation in my entire life and at one time, for three other human beings too. My sisters turn to me in crisis too.
Again I am not crying here, I just want you to know that nothing or no one is perfect. Especially me.
Wait!! Damn! Did I really just say this?? Just kidding! I am the shitizzle my nizzle.
On a good note, my love from long ago, who I just ran into on the 3rd, always kisses me on the mouth and always tells me he will always love me. My guest watched him with me and said that she could sees how he feels.
NA I will find a song and post it for
you.
https://youtu.be/3kZ-gG4r0zI
AHOH
Ok I’ve stopped laughing at the other post now and am all business. I never doubted that you have earned the life you now have. I just meant it’s nice that you know who you are, ask no permission, and have the ability to travel and experience many things. Just because the men haven’t worked out so far doesnt mean theres anything wrong with you. Youre a smart woman-you know this, and I have never met a perfect person but from what you have allowed me to know about you here, I think youre fabulous. Thanks for the tune. Tru dat-everyone truly does have a story and I love hearing every persons story that I meet. Thanks for sharing some of yours here.
Guuuurlll You knows I was jus foolin’
I be so goods!
We all are perfectly imperfect. Except for HG. He is imperfectly perfect. At least I think so.
I asked him again to marry me. Think he will? If he doesn’t do you want to?
Just so you know, I enjoy blogging with you too.
Girl! I am still laughing!
AH OH I am jealous. I think this is my narc side speaking now 😉. Have a great fun!
I attempted to be unfaithful once. I had found out about his infedility and thought I should do the same. I wanted to be cold as ice just like him. I failed miserably. I ended up crying on the other guy’s shoulder. I think I ruined his shirt with my tears and runny nose. He was a very nice person. Told me I deserve so much better. I cried harder. I didn’t want better.
I am so sorry. I truly feel you pain Love.
Big cyber hug love xx
Thank you Banana and Alexis. You are so sweet! I’ve been with a few narcs and after a while I just accepted infedility as the bumps in the relationships. It was easier for me to close my eyes to it.
Love, Narcs do not share their secrets with anyone. They just say everything you want to hear.
Have you not read everything HG writes?
They are the secret!
Thier dreams are from your dreams.
Their hopes are that you give them fuel.
They are only loyal to themselves.
They are the king, queen, subjects, the entire fucking kingdom.
And you and I are just objects that supply them with whatever it is they are seeking……………..FUEL.
So have some great sex and know that it is only this.
If you want someone that has the secrets, dreams, hopes that only wants to share with you, then you will have to make better choices of partners and settle for vanilla. Otherwise, you will never find contentment. Fairytales are just this. A motherfucking fairytale and your Prince Charming will most likely be gay.
Never lower your standards. There are good men out there. My husband is the greatest man. I have never been in any intimate relationship with narcs but I had a friend that I lost. I loved him, as a friend. My only experience with narc and it was just horrible. I have never been lied and manipulated in such extend in such immature ways. Anyway. I hope you will find your happiness and man who will love you back. Just do not force it. He will find you or you will find him.
LMAO, Ah Oh! Calling my prince charming gay! But he said giving massages to another guy naked is of great honor and friendship in some cultures. 😁
Yeah OK
Coconut oil is great for everything!!!! Better than KY trust me. Saved my sister’s marriage.
Thank you Banana and Never!
Banana I’m sorry you for your loss.
My brain needs to be rewired. Through reading Mr. Tudor’s work, I have gotten stronger. For now, I’m staying single – though going back to my old ways is very tempting.
I am so sorry…and you do deserve better. I too struggle with wanting (needing?) what “was”…even though intellectually I know it was never real.
Never,
I too am struggling with wanting and knowing it was all a lie.
I guess that is the addiction aspect.
You find that man and thank him. 🙂
What happens when a narc is at the stage of life when perhaps they are not so sexual. It does change with age. No one escapes this.
Infidelity manifests in different ways Ah Oh.
But the article is heavy with more of the physical sense of infidelity.
So again I ask, what will a narc do when he is not as virile. The blue pill is not always a choice. A woman can just use coconut. And we can fake it, although I would not waste my time or acting skills doing so. I have no issue and letting someone know they failed.
I have great friend that once told me he would be scared to death to have sex with me as I would be busy telling him everything he is doing wrong. LOL I actually was a bit sad he felt this way.
Infidelity can occur in many different ways. Most people get their panties in a twist about the physical interaction but we could always spend time with an talk to someone else other than the primary source, lavish gifts on them and not the primary source, help them and not the primary source, share our experiences and hopes with someone other than the primary source, go to places with that person and not the primary source.
An intimate relationship comprises the provision of sex, attention, resources, emotional support, experiencing things together, discussing things and so forth. One could deny any of those things to the primary source and give them to someone else and thus they are being unfaithful. Of course people just do not see it ‘as bad’ but they ought to.
HG
I dont even know where to begin in addressing the irony of you eloquently explaining the various forms of infidelity. And the last line-wow.
I agree. I just wanted to know how a narc would engage if he could not or did not have sex. As I said your article was laden with the physical.
Intimacy to me can be as simple as removing their cufflinks. Sex is just the animal aspect of it all.
Thank you for your answer.
You are most welcome Ah Oh.
Now can we get married? LOL
Very true. The sexual act itself is actually benign in comparison to sharing your secrets, dreams, hopes, happiness with someone else.
LOVE
Re: benign
Too bad someone forgot to tell men lol.
Lol I hear you NarcAngel. Being with narcs, I knew infedility was inevitable (whether I caught them in action or my intuition told me). I could ‘forgive’ and not think about their sexual promiscuity. But it would tear me apart if I knew they were sharing more of themselves with another woman. Even if it was just feeding the other woman bullish*t. I wanted to be the recipient of ALL their bullish*t lol.
Ah Oh, I don’t understand what a woman would do with a coconut… Other than use it for a moisturizer for skin and hair. And for cooking.
LOVE
Re: coconut
I could be wrong but I assume she meant as a lubricant. Its natural but the down side is it has a low smoke point if you really get cooking.
Does being extremely embarrassed and/or exposed by your supply equal negative fuel for a narcissist? Or will it just make them go into a rage? (Mid Ranger. I think)
If you shout and scream at a Mid-Ranger about what he is, you are providing fuel. He will respond to the challenging behaviour in a way which draws more fuel because he knows you are pouring with it and he can gain more. If you expose him or her in a fuel-free way, it is criticism and thus there will be the ignition of fury.
HG,
When I found out about his new primary source, he said to me ‘You can shout at me, scream at me, call me a shit’ – so this was him seeking the negative fuel?
What went through his mind when I replied ‘ What would be the point of that’ ?
Thank you.
Hello ANK,
1. Correct.
2. Depends if you asked it with fuel. If you did, he would see a challenge but with fuel and would look to provoke more. If not provided with fuel, it was a criticism and it would have wounded him, thus he would need to have provoked you for more fuel and also need to exert his control as your comment was usurping his control.
HG,
Thank you for the reply.
It was more of a statement than said angrily/with fuel. His reply was ‘I still want to see you, go for coffee and that. We are good together’. I guess this was because his new source was not fully embedded yet and therefore he wanted to control my emotions . I responded by saying that if he wanted to be with her, he should concentrate on her. He got annoyed at that and said ‘I’m not WITH anyone’ So not with his wife who he had devalued and discarded, but several other sources were in the picture if one was to translate into Narc speak?
On subsequent occasions he has texted the new source while with me, but lied when questioned. This was triangulation as well as devaluation?
Thanks in advance.
You are welcome ANK.
Yes he still wanted to gain fuel from you and it was triangulation.
Thank you HG
You are welcome.
Sickening
Great reminder that no amount of going to the gym, changing your hair, or tying a cherry in a knot with your tongue will change the fact that your fuel is stale and cannot compare to hers now. It has nothing to do with your looks despite the fact that he may allude to that. Even during the good times you can look good on the arm (but never attract more attention than him ). This goes for “normal” relationships as well. Men cheat on and leave Supermodels so its not how you look but how you make them feel and with a Narc its how you provide the FUEL .Why waste your time competing with his new toaster? (Even if she has 4 slots instead of 2) In the end-thats what she may as well be despite how happy they may look on Facebook.
Excellent point, NA. So many women (and men) beat themselves up and keep wondering if it was them. Nope, it really isn’t about us, it’s them. 4 slots haha.
Very true NarcAngel. I’ve never been with a Normal man, so I have no first hand knowledge. But I have heard that when a normal person cheats they feel an immense amount of guilt. Also, I’ve heard the cheating is due to them feeling that they did not matter and were not given attention by their significant other. Then again, this all could be hearsay. What the hell do I know anyway.
LOVE
The answer to that is you know as much as the rest of us, which is only how you feel. That, and there are all kinds of normal.
Fo sho!
Hi NarcAngel…what a great post. I love your comment. Thank you. Hit the spot.
Comforting.
Like the toaster remark…lol.
Hugs🌷
It is obvious to me now that no matter what I did. i.e. wear nice clothes, put on the high heels for him, he would have sought fuel elsewhere.
No to be disparaging to his new primary source, but looks wise she is no more attractive than I, however she must have been an ideal narc target. When I asked why he went after her he said ‘she is pretty and nice, not that you aren’t pretty’ The devaluation had already started before I found out by the way he treated me when were intimate. During the seduction and golden period he referred to making love. In the devaluation period he referred to sex.
Of course he is now ‘making love’ to his new primary source!
Love this, NarcAngel
Haha
HG, what happens in narcissts mind after the cheated victim leaves and goes NC? Do narcissts expect that immidate reaction when they inform about another person in their sex life in order to hurt the victim? Can that be the objective of the narcissts and form of the discard? Does the assessment of the victim departure risk differ for different school of narcissts?
As for the reaction see How No Contact Feel Parts One to Three. Do we expect the victim to leave when we tell them about our infidelity? Usually no. Thus if they do, we have not gauged the situation accurately. Of course, as you identify, it might be done as a form of discard but of course this would only be done when we have the new primary source embedded.
Yes the assessment varies.
Infidelity is very frequent in society and so many marrieges fall apart becouse of it. Actually if narcissts want to be special they should remain faithful. That would be a unique behaviour those days. If you are unfaithful, you are just another one in a huge crowd of cheaters. Then you can show how too special you are to be just another cheater… The argument about being entitled to infidelity is just empty and does not make a narcissts special. Unless somebody wants to fall into special whore category. Then sure, great achievement. Your family and friends have to be very proud of you!