Twenty Deflections of a Lesser Narcissist
The lesser of our kind is a creature of instinctive reactions and knee-jerk responses. In common with all our kind, he or she must always avoid blame and swerve accountability. Denial is often used by the Lesser Narcissist to achieve this with a blunt rejection of the comment that you have levelled against him or her and if you persist you will invariably find yourself on the receiving end of some heated fury in order to beat you down from asking your questions and apportioning blame. The Lesser Narcissist will offer denial with little or no supporting evidence. It is not a topic for discussion any longer. The lesser will also engage in the art of deflection. He or she does not think carefully being launching these phrases and comments in a bid to deflect the nature of your questions and accusations but rather they are an immediate response. Indeed, they will often appear to be raised out of context, appear to be non sequiturs and even almost nonsensical. They are not to the lesser. In his world these are instinctive responses which he or she has to come out with on order to deflect your questioning of them. Your questioning creates unease and discomfort and the lesser will issue these phrases from a stockpile he or she keeps. They lack the higher function to think of a high-calibre response which brings about deflection but instead utilise these phrases below in a “one size fits all” approach. They will be hurled back at you, often with venom attached, a standard response to what you are saying to the Lesser Narcissist. Expect to hear them may times in the course of your dance with the lesser. He is not capable enough of conjuring up new ones and relies on these “old faithfuls” to deflect the force of what you are trying to achieve. The deflection at this level works usually by causing disbelief and confusion on your part. You like everything to make sense. You like things to follow an order and be logical and therefore these stock responses will make you stop in your tracks as you try and figure out either what is actually meant by them or if you understand the thrust of the comment how on earth they are applicable to what the discussion is about. This is the beauty of these deflecting comments for the Lesser Narcissist. He cannot think up clever or articulate responses but he does not need to because there are just as effective in halting you in your tracks. They may not always result in your behaviour being questioned (as is more the hall mark of the deflecting comments of the Mid-Ranger of the Greater Narcissist) which then takes the conversation of discussion in a different direction. These comments however fulfil the aim of stopping the discussion going in the direction it was and indeed cause it to veer off at an improbable tangent into the reams of confusion and bewilderment. That does not matter to the lesser, as long as the attack, the criticism and/or the questioning stops goes elsewhere and his accountability remains unaffected. So long as your response provides him or her with a fuel, the comment need not be magnificent or well-constructed. Here are twenty stock deflecting comments used by Lesser Narcissists.
- You’re nothing special yourself you know.
- Why do you have to use dictionary words with me?
- I’m not stupid you know. Why do you have to make me out to be stupid?
- I don’t care what other people do, they are idiots for thinking that way.
- You’ve been reading too many books.
- You think you are so clever don’t you?
- Why isn’t my dinner ready?
- Been listening to her again have we? I can always tell when you to two have been talking.
- Can a man not get some peace in his own home?
- You sound like your mother.
- I’m going out.
- Why aren’t you ready?
- You should know your place.
- You talk too much.
- You never listen to me properly.
- Never mind me, what have you been up to eh?
- I know what you’ve done.
- You can’t judge me.
- Fancy words don’t make you right you know?
- Since when did this house become a court room?
23 thoughts on “Twenty Deflections of a Lesser Narcissist”
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Omg. My ex husband said all of these things. I am more intelligent than him and he always got upset every time I used certain words. To me they’d be simple everyday words but he’d call them “big” words and would tell me to stop using dictionary words, to stop reading so many books (bookworm here) and nearly everything else on that list. The last time he said these things I used the word “optimism” and was met with anger and irritation without understanding why. Most people don’t react this way over things like this. Imagine having to think before you speak about which words you use because you’re afraid you’ll use a “big” one and be met with such a response.
I must say, although less intelligent, the lesser is harder to deal with to me. The constant rages over trivial matters became a huge problem I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells trying to dumb myself down in order not to hurt his ego. It’s like dealing with a grown child.
I was also irritated by the fact that he often forced me to listen to his learning lectures and then brag about how smart he was when is “knowlege” was that of a 16 year old child. Always trying to teach me something I’d learned a long time ago. Of course i was expected to admire and praise him anyway
He just become a annoyance after a while. I felt like he was holding me back and trying to make me act dumber so he could appear to be the smart one. I’m not a brain or anything. I don’t consider myself to be a genius and that’s the crazy thing about it.
I’ve also been with a another type. I’m sure he’s either a Mid or a Greater. HG I still need help with contrasting these two. Is it true that the only difference is in the amount of self awareness they have about themselves and their behavior? I’ve read all of your books and I still don’t understand.
Hello Kemma, if you need assistance in determining the school of your particular narcissist, the best way to achieve this is to organise a private consultation with me so I can obtain and give you the detail you require.
Oh lets not forget “you should hear yourself sometimes, how crazy you sound”, or “I was raised with morals and ettiquette. obviously you wern’t” or “why do you twist everything I say” or “I cannot beleive you just said that, you have no idea what you’ve done to me now.” ugh round and round in circles all night and no sleep !!!!
Thank you PStd. I have read it again and came to the conclusion that he is a lesser. Is a lesser the worse kind?
KT, a lesser is not the worse kind. I just enjoy teasing lessers because of the way in which HG describes them: having knee-jerk reactions, push button A you get response B😂, not knowing why they do as they do, lower cognitive functioning, lack of control etc. Some believe greaters are worse due to their malign nature. Some believe mid-rangers are worse due to their silence. And some believe lessers are worse due to their anger and aggression. It all depends on your viewpoint.
HG, I have but I cannot put him in a definite category.
Hence im asking you.
A private consultation is the most appropriate manner to address ascertaining his category.
Mine also does that, ptsd. Denying. Changing what he said and accuse me of not listening. How can one be certain which category he falls into?
Read the various material that I have generated which will allow you to form a realistic view.
KT, there are some articles here that help you determine what kind of narc he is. HG helped me to pinpoint my ex as a mid-ranger, mostly because he’s passive-aggressive, and he uses cold fury (becomes quiet) over heated fury.
My ex is a mid-ranger but he uses #20, if i remind him that last wk he said something different than this wk.
Meaning he fits into lesser midrange and greater descriptions. Extremely unpredictable. Jekyll and hide. However I don’t think he is prone to violence.
Im not sure if mine is lesser midrange or greater. How can I know for sure? He fits into all of your descriptions. When we are at my place he is calm and collected. When we are at his place he rages all the time hence he prefers to be at his place. He does have an extremely short fuse when we are at his place. He does use the same comments again and again. Eg you are emotional. You are such hard work. You are selfish. You forced me into a relationship. You drive me up the wall. All shocking and untrue comments. He is an absolute angel and pleasure for other people to be around. Do you think he is a lesser?
Based on this brief description it points to an Upper Lesser but far more information is required.
Yeah…the “you read too many books” as I was calling him out on somethings. Explains the half smile mocking look of disdain on his face…
Another one he said… “youre not the police”
Cute. The guy I knew used to tell me ‘were not doing anything illegal’ (the affair). Maybe it all comes down to legality in a coward’s mind.
That was said to coerce you into continuing with it and layering a gloss of legitimacy to assuage your concerns.
My last words to him – ‘your think you’re so fucking clever, don’t you. You’ve got nothing.’ (Nothing = no cleverness).
And sometimes I wonder – he’s an elite / cerebral narc but I’m smarter than him. He’s a dipshit, really. That’s why it’s so tempting to tease him.
That is pretty much what I ended up doing…. put him down to nothing in every way I could. I hated how I ended up feeling abusive. Question: do lessers lose fuel sources faster than mid or elite narcs because they end up seeming so ridiculous? They kill their own mystery with their explosive outbursts and respect for them fades fast it seems. And if so, I wonder if this is also why under his mask he is additionally so bitter and vindictive and raging. He knows he needs fuel, but can’t keep a primary very long at all. He faked a primary to me I think in a way. He said were it not for 3 things (geography, money and his kids) he would be with her. none seemed really real reasons later when I figured out more about his life. what if a narc can’t hold on to a primary for any substantial length of time? do they exhaust themselves with secondary or tertiary supply?
Lesser are prone to losing more sources because they have a low control threshold on their fury. Add to that the fact that it often manifests as heated fury – shouting, verbal insults, smashing things, hitting people – they cause more appliances, such as secondary and tertiary to escape them (because they are not as closely bound to the Lesser).
If the narcissist cannot hold onto the primary and he or she escapes, it depends on whether a new prospect is being targeted, seduced or embedded. If there is no prospective primary in sight, secondary and tertiary sources have to be turned to whilst a new primary is found PDQ. The Lesser has fewer secondary sources and runs the risk of relying too heavily on these sources whilst seeking a primary, so that they end up with low fuel levels.
I had same experience and approach.
Wow hg you really know how to explain lesser narcissists!! I really enjoy your daily posts and ive read most of your books. Thank you!!
Geeeweez ! Most of these comments I say. And no I’m not an Narc, Again thanks H.G. For your time and knowledge