An Irresistible Pull
Few people are unfamiliar with the Star Wars franchise. In the first film, A New Hope, Han Solo, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca have emerged from hyperspace in the millennium falcon only to find an imperial tie fighter and an absence of the planet that they had hope to reach. Instead as a perplexed Han Solo tries to figure out what is going on, the tie fighter is seen racing towards a small moon that Luke has identified. As the sphere comes into view, Obi-Wan states with a calm dread,
“That’s no moon.”
Indeed it is not. It is in fact a space station and specifically the machine of mass destruction that is the death star. Once recognition has dawned on the quartet along with the fearful consequence of being near to such a powerful weapon, they try to escape but it is too late. The millennium falcon has been caught in the death star’s tractor beam and they hare slowly dragged towards the waiting death star.
We are that death star. We glide along appearing at first to be something benign or at least neutral, our true purpose masked to those we seek to pull into our sphere of influence. Our tractor beam is powerful, unceasing and almost impossible to resist as it attaches to our victims and with our legendary seductive ability hauls them into our world. Like a rabbit caught in the headlights you are unable to escape as we pull you closer and closer to us. By the time you realise what has happened and that we are indeed ‘no moon’ it is too late, you have been caught and escape is extremely difficult. Our true purpose is hidden from and if you ever do realise that is a ‘death star’ you are sailing towards you will find it so very difficult to escape the iron hold we have over you.
There are those, through the intervention of others and the application of learned knowledge, who do manage to free themselves from the tractor beam’s hold. It is rarely immediate. The escape that might occur usually only takes place after a long period of time subjected to our burning lasers of hurt and our photon torpedoes of misery. If you manage to escape you know by now that you must stay away and keep away. We will continue to drift along, like that death star cruising through space as we take hold of fresh victims along our route and drag them towards us. Occasionally we will shift our path and make towards you once again. You remain in one place at your peril as we will approach you and once more seek to suck you in with our mighty tractor beam. We may plot a course which takes us to pastures new where we busy ourselves with fresh and shiny new victims who provide us with delicious and exciting fuel. This will occupy us but we will never forget about you. You will similarly never forget about us because of what we have done to you and the way we have conditioned you. This conditioning engenders a sense of curiousity in you. You need to know what we are doing, you want to know who we are interacting with now and thus you decide to fly past our death star, just for a distant view of the edifice that once nearly destroyed you. You feel safe watching from a distance as you fly by but be warned. Fly too close and that tractor beam will take hold of you again. If you give us any opportunity to hoover you back in once again we will seize it. You appear on our sensors and we will increase the power of the tractor beam in a bid to capture you once again. It may have been years since there was any interaction between us but if you fly too close to our death star then you will be sucked back into it and subjected to our machinations once again.
When you first try and escape we apply the tractor beam to keep you where we want you, but if you are determined and manage to depart then we set a course for new horizons and new fuel. We may at a later date decide to alter our trajectory again and move back to your solar system in the hope of grabbing you once more. Should you see us coming you need to jump in your space ship and fly somewhere else quick. If you wish to flirt with danger, feel free to follow us to the new galaxy where we are destroying new planets, but if you come too close, we will detect you and we will apply that tractor beam once again. The passage of time does not matter. It might just be a few months since you made your escape or it could be a decade, either way, if you come close to our sphere of influence our tractor beam will take a hold of you and pull you back towards us. You will always be of interest to us, it may be in a week’s time, a year or ten years but if there is a window of opportunity to take hold of you again we will gladly take it because the fuel to be gained is exquisite.
So, if you manage to escape our grip, fly to the other side of space from us and keep that distance otherwise our tractor beam will draw you in once again. That is the only hope you have to remain free of our grip. Unless of course you somehow manage to fire that photon torpedo down that exhaust chute but we both know you are never going to be able to manage that, right?
76 thoughts on “An Irresistible Pull”
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I have been reading almost everything you have written. Putting into implementation a means by which I might not ever attract another narcissist or in the very least be able to repel the death ray should it be set upon me.
In this writing you say as a narcissist, an appliance is never forgotten …& in articles closer to the present you mention appliances are negated & dismissed for the newer model unless brought back into a sphere of consciousness.
These statements sound like opposites. Perhaps you would be so kind as to help me understand?
Thank you.
A.R.
When we have a new appliance, you as the old one is deleted because we are infatuated with the new one. When we devalue the new appliance, we want a new one and since you belong to us, we will revisit you and thus you come back into our sphere of consciousness. It is the compartmentalisation which we engage in.
Thank you 🙂
Another awesome post HG!
Can you elaborate on something for me? You don’t enjoy watching movies? Is it because you don’t understand the emotion? Is it because they are actors and you know it’s not real?
My narc wouldn’t watch a movie either, only documentaries. He told me he had ADHD and couldn’t sit still that long. I’m really curious about this one.
Hello Sunshine, if I am fuelled i can watch a film quite contentedly and admire the dialogue, the acting, the plot, the cinematography, my performance and of course I can then use this as part of ongoing engagements to gain fuel. I understand most emotions, I just do not feel them. In other instances I would need to use the film as a conduit for gaining fuel as opposed to reflecting on its merits.
HG, “… if I am fuelled i can watch a film quite contentedly and admire the dialogue, the acting, the plot, the cinematography, my performance…” 😱😱😱
Which actor are you? Which celebrity are we interacting with? I can’t take the mystery any more!! 😫
“’Wow HG your performance in this film is mind-blowing,’ said with admiration.”
You’re an actor too?!😱
Who are you?!!
Daniel Craig.
I just watched a few daniel craig interviews on youtube. I think craig’s voice is not as low as HG’s, not as baritone. Plus, craig is married and has 1 child, whereas HG is not. But it may be that HG has given us incorrect info abt himself deliberately so that we may never identify him, as one commenter mentioned. HG do you really have a sister and 2 brothers? Are you really unmarried? Do you really have no children? Do you really live in the UK? Please do tell!!! I can’t take the mystery any longer!!! 😩😩😩
I have one sister, one brother, one half-brother. I am unmarried. I have no children. I live in the UK.
And you’re about 6’1″ with blue eyes and blonde hair…?
Last time I looked.
Oh, and a devilish grin!
Yup.
We are going to need your physical address for proof Mr. Tudor 😁
Oh okay, just let me prepare a blog article heralding it.
I will be waiting for that article! 😁😊
Much appreciated Mr. Tudor.
All narcissists are master actors.
Able to make their voice dripping with honey or put so much hostility into their voice that it feels like you are being assaulted.
Were you in a relationship with a narc Brian? Tell me more about you.
Married to someone who shows their traits.
Living with them and their lieutenant :0
She is in therapy, but will it actually produce results?
A lot of this behaviour seems instinctual except with the master narcs who do everything purposefully.
I even had to recognise what narcissist behaviours I had myself, and conciously stop them.
Thanks Brian. Yes, I noticed with my lessers and mids that some of their actions were instinctual and they had no awareness of their true self. Good luck with your spouse. I hope therapy does help.
Thank you
Actors they are brian!
If we’ve totally figured you out, have disconnected emotionally with time & distance, but our curiosity gets the best of us, what’s the wrong with flying close to the ship to get another peek? Your tricks can’t work on us anymore. It’s now enjoyable for us to watch you scramble, using your old bag of tricks which don’t work anymore. Feels good for *us* to feel powerful sometimes too. Especially at the hands of someone who once made us feel powerless.
Nothing so long as you feel strong enough to take the risk. Some can, some think they can but cannot, other know they cannot.
Thought I was stronger and more healed than I actually was. Appears I thought I could but could not. We live and we learn. (At least we empaths do). NC is the only answer. It’s only there where we find lasting strength and power, which continues to grow.
I never have any interest in knowing what he’s doing. I can’t even google anything to do with he last name for my son because it’s rare and he or his wife would come up. Their life is a lie so why would I go out of my way to read their bullshit?
You don’t Jar and you’ve seized the power in that regard, but plenty of other people do.
Wow!!!
Hello Mr. Tudor, I read a reply of yours once, where you stated, your kind can “spot” people of our kind anywhere…my question is, what do we do, say, act etc…that you know what we are, and choose to ensnare us? I am just now learning about your kind and you have been a wonderful teacher. Thank you for your honesty, and for helping my kind.
Hello Krystal, thank you for your kind comments and for reading, The answers (and in order to spare my fingers) lie in the book ‘Sitting Target’.
HG I need your help. I hope you remember my situation but here’s a recap if not.
I’m divorcing my narc husband, he had an affair while I was 6 months pregnant and now I have our 5 month old son. So now he has a girlfriend of 6 months that he cheated on, with me. (I think you warned that he’d try to make me the other woman). He apparently told her about it because she called me cussing me out and calling me a home wrecker. (Funny since I’m still married to him). Anyway, I need to know how to act when he comes to visit in my house. We have at the least 7 more months of him visiting at my house. How do I not get pulled in to his charm? He tries instigating intimacy every single time. I only fell for it once. But still, I get pulled into laughing and having fun with him. He eats it up too. He gets to come here and play house then go back to his girlfriend when he leaves. Do I just need to ignore all he says unless it’s about baby? And I mean, totally ignore? I breastfeed so it’s hard to just stay away when he’s here visiting. Baby always needs to eat at least once or twice during the visits. Plus “father of the year” doesn’t know what to do with baby when he cries or acts fussy. He’s always handing him back to me. I know it’s because baby doesn’t know him. At all. He visits once a week or once every two weeks. Help. Please! Thank you!!
My is a weak lesser and he would never find the energy to try to get me back. I am too strong and he is scared of me. Also, he is relatively smart man, MD and he was dealing with my cold fury before I went NC. I blocked him everywhere and he had no ability to contact or see me at the moment. I disappeared. He is gone forever. He is the biggest coward. Not worth thinking about anyway. I am happy he does not botter me and I would never contact him back anyway. I am free. Freedom feels good.
I wish I had an Obi Wan Kenobi for the co-parenting counselor.
Comment of the day.
😎
All I can do is hope that the “Force” is with me, because I have been court ordered to co-parenting counseling with my Darth Vader. 😂
Dear nevertotryagain,
I was in fear for my life. That is not funny at all. I had to stop it. I am not a narc, but I did not want to live in fear for all my life. So I built a trap. I do not want to explain it. It worked. He was a calculating narcissist and I am not stupid.
A long time ago I traveled through Europe. Someone tried to rape me. He strangled me. Luckily he was only a small young man. It was a hard fight. I bit him in his finger up to the bones. He let me go. Sometimes you have no other chance to rescue your life.
I remembered that event when I had to beat the Narc. No, I am not of the same kind. I only punish the people who want to harm me. There is a strong will to live. The narcs- I do not feel any guilt punishing them. That is only the result of their own behaviour.
I can only repeat : Violence causes Violence.
Hi Mona I totally agree with violence causing violence . I’d never laid a finger on anyone in my whole life until close to the end of my relationship with a narc .. By then I was hitting him back with no concerns about the consequences for my own saftey, I didn’t realise at the time I’d finally hit rock bottom ..
Two years free yesterday & lovin it 🙂
Congratulations Not So Sad!!!!!
Aw Thanks Snow!!! .. I’m quite proud I’ve managed it . x You can too as we all can . 🙂
High Five HG ! Mission accomplished …
Power seized.
I’m four months away from the one year mark Not So Sad.
Mixed feelings about it but I survived and that’s the important thing.
You have a lot to be proud of❤️🍎❤️
As a huge Star Wars nerd, I highly approve of this post.
…and just want to add that every action that pertains to the Narcissist should be prefaced by “I’ve got a bad feeling about this…”
Wise words LBTM.
It’s one of my favorite posts he’s done! Never gets old!
Based on my experiences, any win comes at a great cost. Punishment has always occurred and the punishment always exceeded the crime. Don’t willingly engage is a battle with this type…unless you are also one…you can not win…you simply don’t have what it takes to fight this battle. And that is not a bad thing
Absolutely, NTTA!
How does one get to this point? To treat people like this and just be okay with themselves? Are they born narcissistic or is this learned behavior?
There are differing schools of thought curious and they have been expounded by me in terms of what I have learned through my treatment and also the interesting opinions advanced by readers. To summarise briefly:-
1. Some think we are born this way;
2. Others think it is a consequence of environmental factors in terms of treatment as a child;
3. Others think it is a combination of the two with a genetic predisposition to narcissism which is “unlocked/activated” by the environmental factors.
The ongoing Nature Vs Nurture debate. Whether genetics or your immediate surroundings affected you personally, your limbic system of your brain got stunted in so far as processing emotional responses. Like you said, you’ve mastered mimicking caring and for an IP, it takes them a long time and they are way too invested in the relationship when they realize it’s not authentic.
Indeed Clarece and I am pleased you said it was the limbic system which was stunted and not my brain was stunted or HG would have been displeased!
You know I think your brain is brilliant! And I think MatriNarc rather than genetic DNA caused you to evolve the way you did in your case. Just my 2 cents.
I am obliged on both fronts Clarece.
Your kind loves mind games, and no one can play them better, yet hypothetical speaking what would happen if a person had found a way to f**k with your (not yours HG) mind yet not cross any lines?
I am not speaking with a lessor or mid, but a greater?
Would they just retreat and plan on some kind of revenge later or just not come back?
Strictly speaking it would very much depend on precisely what was done, but revenge would very much in the mind of the greater.
Thank you HG, it’s not something that would be worth doing unless you are into adding gasoline to a bone fire.
I would like to make sure I am understanding this fuel
Him and I were at a bar be que, the guys were shooting at targets and all making jokes, well one decided to start saying how girls can’t do this can’t do that, and I am very quite and stand back. He started making jabs at me and how he (my ex) chose a girl that can’t shoot the broad side of a barn. I was uncomfortable being around people I didn’t know, not to the fact I can’t shoot. Things were all good until this man made the statement of how he chose a girl that couldn’t shoot. He came up to me, didn’t ask me if I wanted to, handed me the rifle and looked in the direction where he wanted me to start and well let’s just say I made that man eat his his words handed it back to my ex, all he said was that is my girl, well the other man apologized.
This man made a jab at him by saying His choice in women was not up to standards
Not saying a word to me (control) and having me do as he wanted, then the fact Of the matter I didn’t miss a single shot where this other man had missed several, put him in place and then him apologizing to my ex for his comment.
Later thou he got both admiration and anger from me on the situation. Admiration on how he handle it and anger in putting me on the spot and everyone watching me, that was done privately as to I would never embarrass him in front of anyone (my perspective as to he never got embarrassed) yet Even in this he was excreting control over me due to he knew I was very uncomfortable being in the spotlight, which if I understand correctly is fuel to, and being his primary and the way things worked out this was good in his eyes.
Or maybe I have it all wrong
With that said, HG, I would think that once I were discarded, it would be somewhat of a mind game to him. I would think that once he realized I wasn’t coming back and begging for closure (so to speak), it would bother him some, but would that alone create any kind of vengeful feelings within the greater narc?
Do you mean a situation where you have discarded, he has not hoovered, but you have not sought him out either?
Yes.
And of course, as we now know to be canon, that vulnerability was left there by one person, who represented a tiny shred of humanity, caring, hope, amongst this giant construct of hate and domination.
You just need to find your Jyn, your Stargirl and she can navigate that construct, seek out your vulnerable heart, and shine her light of empathy and love on it to chase away the darkness for a while.
Must be her exquisite fuel 😜
“Wonderful girl. Either, I’m gonna kill her or I’m beginning to like her.”
I dont know if my narc ex will come back. As he blocked me . After ending it he wanted to remain friends i said it would be to hard. He kept saying but isnt it worth a shot to try friends at least then we get to be in one anothers life . Anyway we had a big drama to do with another issue. I am now blocked. It has been nearly a month. I wonder if he will ever try to contact me again or if this really is it he is very very stubborn so i doubt he would get in touch.
Yes, he will come back some day, because I punished him in a very furious way. There was so much rage and hate in me. There was nearly no stop sign for me anymore. He lost his face / mask in front of his friends. I damaged his Image, I broke down his facade. I really pushed him up, side, down. Like an animal, he tried to escape. At first he looked at me only surprised, not realizing, what was happening to him, then he raged, then he noticed that he was in a trap and then I saw him powerless. I knew I had to do that because the situation got out of any control. I was in real danger. So I had to stop him. And I did. I know, that my behaviour was very dangerous too. Although you will not believe me, I feel safe at this moment. I saw real fear in his eyes.Yes, I am his deadly enemy. I know that. It will last until we die.
And he will come some day to take revenge.
And me?
I had my revenge, it is not enough. Emotional violence causes violence.
If he comes back, he gets another blow, so it never ends. I learned my lesson well. I do not feel guilty.
We ignore the debris from the destroyed planet alderaan, and just assume it’s an asteroid field.
So, when Darth Vader was sending out probes to find Luke in ‘Empire Strikes Back’ that was a real grand hoover, amirite.
On the money Brian.
I just saw Rogue 1 , I did enjoy it as you said I would.
Do you feel like you need fuel after seeing a movie in a theatre? The movie doesnt give you much or any pleasure?
Good to know.
I may be well fuelled before hand so there is no pressing need for fuel.
If I watch it with someone I will gain fuel intermittently through the film.
I can appreciate the film and also its use as conduit for gaining fuel at a later juncture.
Thanks, how would you gain fuel from someone if you were watching a movie with them?
Also did you feel a sense of power or excitement when Darth Vader was killing about 50 blokes in the corridor?
By what they say to me, their gestures and expressions.
“Thanks for taking me to see the film, it’s really good,” said with a smile.
Passing the popcorn with a smile.
“What the fuck have you brought me to see? This is too gory!” said with irritation.
“I’m scared HG, hold my hand.” said with anguish.
“Wow HG your performance in this film is mind-blowing.” said with admiration.
My mother (and my exnarc) also never enjoyed watching movies. She told me that her first movie had been Snow White, when it came out. Maybe she didn’t like the fate of the narcissistic step mother / Queen. 😉
Ha ha perhaps not.
Oh I see, that’s interesting thanks.
You are probably a good actor, but your performances can’t be admired by your audience 🙁
You are welcome.