Dropping the Bomb
The dropping of the bomb is a common tactic of our kind. It is something that happens with regularity. It is an act of manipulation and one which you will recognise. Do any of these scenarios seem familiar?
The day before you are due to travel to the wedding of one of your childhood school friends, we cause an argument in order to avoid going, inventing some reason why this cannot happen. You are accused of not caring about us if you still wish to attend. You eventually end up not going, having to make some excuse as to why you cannot attend.
You are about to have a night out and we create some kind of emergency which delays you from going out or even prevents you from going. There is no emergency.
You have invited friends over for dinner. Shortly before their arrival we will create an almighty argument.
The night before an important interview we keep you awake all night, jabbing you with our elbow and insulting you so you are unable to sleep.
You are about to go away for a few days when we accuse you of having an affair, thus creating a scene, tension and upset.
Whilst the fact that we create arguments, cause confusion and generate drama is standard behaviour, when we engage in dropping the bomb, it is done at a time which is regarded, from your perspective, as a terrible time to do it. It coincides with something special or important happening which leaves the victim wondering why this always seems to happen when they are about to go somewhere or do something.
Dropping the bomb is an instinctive response by us to such situations. When something of importance is about to happen, we respond by creating a drama which appears to be designed to spoil the important or enjoyable event. There is no appears about it. It is a deliberate act. Why does this happen?
- Fuel. As you would expect, fuel is behind the dropping of the bomb. Causing upset and drama is always a near guaranteed method of gaining fuel but the dropping of the bomb is designed to heighten the fuel that will be provided. Just like the fact we build you up during seduction and then cast you down during the devaluation allows us to create a heightened contrast and thus maximise the potency of the fuel, by dropping the bomb at a time when you are expecting something pleasant to happen, or you are preparing for an important event, your response is going to be of a greater intensity. This increases the potency of the fuel. When you are looking forward to that wedding, excited about seeing people and enjoying the day, the dropping of the bomb means that your upset, annoyance and disappointment is more marked. We of course create drama even when nothing is happening, a quiet Sunday afternoon suddenly becomes a battlefield. That gains fuel. The dropping of the bomb however is a ticket to plentiful fuel as you react to having your excited anticipations shattered.
- Jealousy. Our almost ever present jealousy means that we cannot stand the fact that you are going to do something which you will enjoy and causes you to be put into the spotlight. Taking the example of the wedding above. Since it is your school friend, you are going to see people who know you well and may not know us particularly well. Attention will be on you which causes us to be jealous. If you have an interview for a promotion, we are jealous that you are succeeding, which in turns implies that we are not and therefore our jealousy rears its head. We cannot bear for you to be happy, excited or the focus of attention, unless it is to do with us. If your happiness if because you are anticipating a dinner party with your friends, that is nothing to do with us. In our minds, this suggests we are unimportant and inferior. We cannot allow that to be the case. Accordingly, our jealousy comes to the surface and this acts as the catalyst for us dropping the bomb.
- Control. By causing you to react through our dropping of the bomb we are able to remind ourselves that we have the control in the relationship. By causing you to decide not to go to the wedding because you feel obliged to remain at home with us, or you decide not to go and attend a friend’s engagement party because you are too upset allows us to exert control over you. We cause you to cancel your plans, alter your intentions and instead focus on us. This underlines that we are in control and assist in maintaining our notions of superiority and omnipotence.
- Anticipatory fear. Eventually you will recognise that a drama is always created before you are about to do something special or important. Of course, our victims do not realise the real reasons why this is, but insetad attribute it to selfish and spoiling behaviour, without understanding what is really behind it. What our victims do come to realise however is that since this happens each time you are looking forward to an event, they end up dreading what will happen when an event is on the horizon. Your birthday is coming up next week and you are just waiting for the eruption form us which happens every year. Will it be on the day, the night before or during the planned celebrations? You become anxious and nervous, treading on those well-known eggshells, looking to mollify us before matters get out of hand. Indeed, you often begin to adjust your own behaviour so that you decide it is just easier not to organise a birthday party, it is far less aggravation to turn down an invitation to go out rather than have to endure the drama which will inevitably come before you try to attend the dinner party at your friends and you make excuses so you avoid having to go to weddings, christenings and the like. Little by little, the dropping of the bomb causes you to fear the arrival of an event which is special or important to you, so that you alter your actions, reducing your interactions and slowly isolate yourself and allow us to tighten our grip on you. This process is insidious as you see friends less and less, family on fewer occasions and in turn you increase your exposure to us and our manipulations.
- Blame. This works in two ways. If you try to resist the effects of us dropping the bomb, so you decide you will still attend the wedding and even decide to go without us or you are going to host the dinner party still despite the fact we are storming about the house banging the doors as we go, we then accuse you of being selfish, self-centered and not caring about what we want. A classic dose of projection. These accusations of selfishness are the opening up of a further front for the purposes of trying to draw further fuel, to create a scenario which can be used against you in the future ‘I was ill and you still went to the engagement party’ and to add a further attempt to wear you down so you give in and change your mind. It is also done to avoid blame. We will drop the bomb, kick up a fuss, create a scene and dole out the drama and if you eventually give up and announce that you will not go, but you accuse us of controlling you or trying to spoil things, we will exhibit our classic contradictory behaviour. We may well have spent an hour arguing with you, telling you that you should not go and that we need you stay at home, but once you have given, if you point the finger at us, you can expect to be told that we did not tell you what to do, we don’t control you and that you made up your own mind not to attend. This will amaze you that we can be so hypocritical and is not only going to draw further fuel from you, but it will allow us to do our usual avoidance of blame. This again supports our notion of superiority.
- Effectiveness. When we have dropped the bomb a few times, we can see how effective it is against you in terms of affording us fuel, control and the erosion of your confidence. Accordingly, we know that it is well worth continuing to deploy this manipulation because it causes you such upset and hurt, as evidenced by your reaction. We know you will provide fuel, we know you will alter your plans and therefore the more you respond to it, the more we will use it.
The dropping of the bomb is a frequently used manipulation in our relationship with you. In order to counter it, you should learn to
- Recognise what it is;
- Recognise when it is about to be used;
- Not provide any fuel by not reacting to our sudden drama, argument or crisis;
- Do what you intended to do anyway. You may as well enjoy your event because we will cause a scene and make a fuss anyway;
- Do what you intended to do anyway and this sends a signal that the dropping of the bomb is not working, which like any of our manipulations, means that it will be used less.
16 thoughts on “Dropping the Bomb”
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Thanks again for your article H.G.
I had 3 vacations ruined by my ex. The first one we were suppose to go to the mountains, July 2015; I went up first and the next day he said he could not come due to business. Thank God I called my neighbor and she told me he had moved some furniture out that morning. I had to find a flight home, have my son call the police to stop him coming back and no vacation. The second time, July 2016, he picked a fight the night before and said he was going for Pizza (a lie, he went home) and again, we did not go. I know now that I must have been insane to do this another time-that was before you H.G and your books and articles.
If he did not want to go, why not tell me ahead of time? Why the added cruelty of having me go to the mountains a day early buy $200 worth of food and an airline ticket home, to not come. Wouldn’t he have gotten the same fuel if he had just told me a day ahead of time and spared me the extra expense which he never paid back? Could someone hate so much? I guess it’s just the antitheses of who I am.
You would be angrier (and therefore you would provide more fuel) as a consequence of the way he did it, rather than just telling you the day before.
My biggest question is whether or not it’s possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. Is there any way to make the manipulation stop. Should I run for my life. Literally feel like I should at times. What about children. How do fit in to this.
Hello KB,
1. It is possible but not preferable.
2. Yes you can make it stop by going no contact.
3. If you have children together it complicates matter because no contact becomes far less of an option but this does not mean the situation is hopeless. You then need to understand what you are dealing with, spot the manipulations, understand why they are used and what you can do to avoid/counter/reduce them.
You will find the answers here and in my books.
He told his wife I was pregnant when he took her to the other side of the country and trapped her in a car (he’d ‘trapped’ me in a car once before too and I recognised it). Right before he had to get a heart valve transplant (which he’d hoovered me after I’d cut him out). What kind of wife would leave her husband right before major heart surgery because he’d got another woman pregnant?
And she fell for it. Don’t be like that wife.
I heard her –
‘You don’t even know if it’s yours’
‘You don’t have to have anything to do with it’
‘She’s been out to get me since day one’
‘She demands you have an abortion’
‘She says you got pregnant to trap me – you didn’t trap me, did you?’
This woman is a fucking moron to fall for that stuff. Her husband knocked another woman up. A few months later I went no contact, the court ordered a paternity test, and now he pays – AND NEVER SPOKE TO HIM AGAIN.
It came as a shock because we hadn’t discussed it but I felt something was coming from weirdo texts the night before. I hung up on him. Thank god he lives 1400 kms away.
But we all know who’s been out to get her since day 1, hey boys and girls.
my dear G. Good morning to You .. Your post got me thinking…
If I applied the given advice with You a Greater wouldn’t that wound You terribly? Then why would I want to do it? And another question popped in my head… You have said that if You notice that one machination don’t work You will use different obe instead and it could even be more cruel one as You’ve become wounded by me… isn’t that the case? 💟
Indeed it is.
Fortunately, my ex didn’t do this.
You describe a lot of the scenarios that previously occurred on a weekly basis. I am having so many flashbacks of the hell I was put through. It’s oddly cathartic. The Greeks knew what they were talking about! Thank you, again. Reading your blogs have bizarrely given me the ability to look back and not have a massive anxiety attack. …it’s as if you are my therapist and walking me through my memories. I thought the pain was re-traumatizing me, but instead it’s helped me face my demons. Writing to you and receiving responses have helped as well. I am grateful that ( I think ) God guided me here. Since you have helped me, I pray that you too are blessed with good.
As always, HG, I wish you peace in your heart.
Thank you Tanya and you are welcome.
Wow, HG! Reading this article triggered a mind blowing, controlled and slow detonation of 60 years worth of drama episodes, stockpiled in my wounded memory bank, that were heretofore unexplained. But as EACH detonated, in controlled order of times in the past, there was also an equal explosion of comforting enlightenment in unison.
Brilliant article. I am grateful…thank you.
Empath lived and learned tips of the day:
Don’t tell a narc your plans
Don’t tell family if it does not involve them as it will be purged from them by the narc
Don’t dress up and use makeup to go out when you are around the narc, or you will be exhausted avoiding tripwires, mines, hand grenades, bombs and all manner of weapons.
Do leave your attire somewhere else and an extra bag of essentials, makeup, toiletries, everything you will need for the event or keep a bag in your vehicle.
Keep your vehicle locked and hide the keys well in a place he would not suspect.
Do stop making excuses to people about dinner and show up, forget about the narc tell the truth (he suddenly did not want to come to dinner, he habitually inconveniences others).
Do not chat about the why’s or wherefores, simply say it is what it is.
Actions speak louder than words- show up and show respect, you will not be triggered and enjoy those around you without pressure.
Ignore his calls and text messages unless it is on loud speaker where he will pick up background noise, if a lesser he will spit fire through the speaker, if an elite he will detect background noise and keep himself intact.
Arrive home whenever you want, simply walk in with your phone on record and he will do one of two things: Be a spitfire or pretend he did not notice your arrival (yet his light was on and suddenly as you drove up the long drive, it went off).
The revenge will come, but it comes anyway. You owe it to yourself, to have a life outside of him.
He designed it this way, his rules- keep building your boundaries until they are a tower as high as his brick wall.
Anyone that cares for the other would not throw bombs in the first place, he said, she said, BS and gameplaying for kiddies. You know the truth, stick to it.
I like your tips Purple. Some made me laugh. I could do these things with my mids and not worry about the outcome. But with my lessers??? Are you kidding???
1. He would show up at the restaurant and make a horrible scene and utterly humiliate me
2. Hidden clothes have to be washed. He would go through the laundry and smell my clothes to see if I’ve been out. (At the time I was with my lessers, smoking was allowed in bars and clubs. I am not a smoker). So he’d know I had lied and he would go into ballistic rage.
3. I miss 20 of his calls, then answer one for him to hear the background? Wow. He would take that as my war cry. That night would not end well for me. First he’d scour the streets looking for me. If he was unsuccessful, he’d call all my friends and family asking. Last, he’d go home waiting. Seething with fury. Once I stepped into the house, he would rain hell down on me.
Wow hg you really decribe the people that used to be in my life perfectly. I wish i knew about narcissism in high school when it all began. Now 31 years later im just starting to rebuild my life. Thanks so much for your priceless insight!!
I’ll have to give you credit, HG, thruout your articles we all sound so stupid , clueless, spineless and pitiful , yet you also manage to convey a thread of morale saving insight of just how stacked the deck was against us. against