Victim Vs Volunteer – Pt 1
I seduced you. There is no doubt that this happened. I was the protagonist and I brought you under my spell. But let us go a little further back. I chose you. I identified you as a prospect and then undertook my investigative work to determine that you had what I was looking for (you did) and then I began to gather the material that would aid my seduction of you. You had no idea that you had walked into my sights. You had not idea that my gaze followed you around the room, that I observed where you worked, where you lived and began the careful assimilation of information about who you are from your friends and your online presence. In fact, your social media contribution was instrumental in allowing me to ascertain that you fitted the profile that I require in those I target. Not only that, your tendency to plaster your life over the internet provided me with a plethora of material to use in my seduction. More than most I felt I really did know you before I even met you. There are enough warnings about remaining safe on-line, plenty of guides about to be secure in your internet dealings and to chart the waters of cyberspace in an enjoyable yet cautious manner. Not that you paid any regard to this as comments, photographs, location tags and such like were thrown like broadcasted seeds out into cyberspace. You posted photographs which showed inside your home, it was easy enough from your frequent location tags to work out the neighbourhood where you lived and then using the photographs to identify which was your house. You didn’t see me sat in the car outside as I waited one morning for the confirmation that was where you lived. I had a good look through your windows as well seeing as how you opened all the blinds and that hedge meant nobody saw me taking note of what lay within you house. Some might say that such an approach meant you asked for what happened. Would it be uncharitable to suggest that your lax approach to sharing your life on social media caused you to stand out as a ready target?
It was not difficult to engage you. You are after all a bright and vivacious person with many friends. Indeed, those friends enjoy talking about you to people and they offered up more information about you. Perhaps you should re-consider who you trust with information about you. I was always pushing on an open door with you and even the surprising hesitancy you showed when I suggested we sit in a booth together in that bar was soon overcome as I began to mirror you.
Did you not think it strange that I just happened to like jet ski-ing and was apparently a member of the same club as you, that I loved Thai food and enjoyed dance music? Our mutual love of rugby (I had to swot up on that admittedly) provided the opening for a date at a rugby match. Did you not think it was unusual that we clicked on so many levels or were you just swept away by the fact we did and therefore never gave it a second thought? Some might suggest that this was opening yourself up to my charms rather too quickly or are they being unduly critical of you?
We attended the rugby in the afternoon and I had already arrange dinner at a restaurant I knew you often frequented. You expressed such delight at this surprise by planting a huge kiss on my lips. I knew you are an excitable person but did you ever stop to think how, out of the thousands of restaurants in this city, I knew this was your favourite? You actually did ask me, as we dined, how I knew about this place and I explained a client had recommended it to me. When you explained it was your favourite I feigned surprise and added that I just thought you might like it. You did not pick up on how I was able to secure a booking on a Saturday and an excellent table to boot, but then how were you to know about the slipped notes passed to a member of staff. After all, I move with an air of considered confidence so it all fitted together didn’t it that I would command such close attention from the waiting staff through the evening.
You even missed the fact that somewhat inebriated I was able to tell the taxi driver where I lived. I had become somewhat amused at how easy this was proving to be. Your readiness to down glass after glass of wine in the company of someone you had not long ago met. Was that remiss of you or was it understandable given the way I made myself seem so familiar to you through my background work on you. I decided to let slip your address to the taxi driver, even though you had not given it to me, yet you completely missed this. As I helped you into the tax, ever the gent, you missed the almost reptilian smile I gave. I didn’t. I saw it reflected back at me in the window of the taxi.
I had earlier plied you with plaudits and listened to you offer me up even more information, telling me where you worked, what you did there, information about your colleagues, taking me through your relationships with your family, your favourite musicals and so on. I logged it all as you opened up to me, pouring so much knowledge in my direction. There are those who might consider that to be a natural thing to do, the social lubrication which makes the interpersonal relationship easier and who is to say they are wrong? You accepted my compliments with good grace and returned them which pleased me considerably. I had to stop myself laughing out loud as you declared those phrases which told me that all lights are green.
“I feel like I have known you for years.”
“This is wonderful; we have so much in common.”
“You know me so well, it is fantastic.”
I threw a few of our well-used favourites back at you,
“I think we were fated to meet.”
“I’ve never clicked with anybody the way I have with you.”
“I know it is only the second time we have spent together but I feel a connection with you.”
I may as well have stood on the restaurant table and waved a huge red flag in front of you with klaxons blaring in the background. You did not notice. Was that negligent of you? Ought you, as a self-professed intelligent and independent person, to have seen these warning signs and acted on them. Perhaps you did and decided that the risk was worth taking. If that was the case, I know that there are people who would regard you as consenting to our entanglement with some degree of knowledge that something was not quite right but you were happy to waive this concern, it was too tempting to miss out on someone like me. Was that how it flashed through your mind?
The dates came and went and my tendrils wrapped around you. I stayed over in your house on the second date. You yielded readily to my overtures and we engaged in frenetic, athletic love-making which enabled me to play one of my aces. It was following one such energetic coupling that you held me and with sincerity shining from your eyes whispered that you felt you were falling in love with me. I smiled and nodded because after all, love comes quickly with our type and I was positively delighted that you had given this indication even before I had opportunity to play that particular card. Did you replay that conversation and all the other beautiful ones we had that evening of love-making? Of course you did. You always do because the recall of such scintillating times causes a soaring sensation in your chest. Did you evaluate what this meant? Did you consider it against other relationships in order to benchmark your feelings? Some might suggest that the cautious and sensible would do so and apply some slowing touches and undertake some verification of everything that you were being told, but you did not. Was that slipshod of you? You were given the signs. You were handed the warnings. They were plain enough to see. Many of them were conventional in nature. I only hid them in plain sight, as I always do. Perhaps you are at fault for not paying heed to them? Then again how could you be expected to resist me? I have done this so many times and you (surprisingly) have not been seduced by my kind behaviour. I bet you have said the label attached to my type less than half a dozen times. How could you be expected to put up any resistance when you are being flattered and wooed in such a convincing manner? Why would you stop someone from being so pleasant? Who would? Maybe it is an entirely unfeeling and harsh judge who expected you to know better and remain vigilant?
You let me in. You opened the door and left it open whilst providing me with a key to it and the back door too. You allowed me to permeate every element of your life from your bed to your buddies. Should you have listened to that one friend who cautioned you against moving so quickly? She was just bitter wasn’t she? After all, that is what we told you and why on earth would you have any reason to disagree with us? Your family all felt I was wonderful, even your sister who in the past has been notoriously difficult to please (actually she isn’t, you just need to know what to say but that’s a different story) so you could be forgiven for deeming their reactions as an accurate weather gauge of who I was. How could you have known what was coming? You are no clairvoyant and who would not have taken advantage of being chosen by such a wonderful, charming, magnetic and loving person as I? All my friends spoke highly of me. Did you not pick up on how rehearsed they often sounded when lauding my attributes? No, never mind, it was too much to expect you to do so wasn’t it.
On went our relationship, two entwined lovers, the world at our feet, happiness all around us, a beautiful and enchanting romance. Who would not want such a thing? You have to have an open heart haven’t you otherwise you can never be happy? You have to trust don’t you otherwise you will never find anybody? You have to bare your chest and lift your throat to the world. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and so on. Anybody else would have done the same, surely? Are you to be judged by the universal standard and forgiven for not seeing a predator making his way towards you, snaking his tendrils about you and sinking those sugar-coated fangs into your naïve neck? Or ought you have noticed but became too caught up in your fantasy of perfect love that you blinded yourself. Does that make you culpable? Then again, did you see the signs but actually ignored them, content to brush them to one side because your heart told you this was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be with me.
Were you a victim?
Or did you volunteer?
57 thoughts on “Victim Vs Volunteer – Pt 1”
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I just read this for the second time. The first time I meet the narc I felt and thought” something is off with this man” the nature of my work required that we work together. His job was s helping kids through a ministry so this was very confusing to me. I tried to keep my focus on the work, but there was always the feeling of something not being right. ReD Flags! So I guess you could say both because I did know something was wrong with him. People actually say,”he creeps me out.”
What’s that all about with mirroring? I have been in a relationship with a person, who was using all the tricks in a book, but I still can’t really be sure if he is or not a narc. I keep reading, listening, watching and can’t make up my mind. I am almost sure I have not been mirrored. What’s more, if there was any mirroring done, I would be the one doing it! Is mirroring necessary to determine a person as a N? I would let it go, but every second week ,,he” pops out here and there (unblocking me on FB, then asking me how did I unblocked myself and blocking me again; a friend informing me he joined a music event with my favourite music played there, when he disliked it as far as I know; his family in a train next to my house; a tearful music pieces on his fb wall, which I couldn’t see as I am blocked, seeing him in the underground station next to a place I live). I don’t know if I am paranoid, select info and a man is just immature or should I look it up more? However, I make sure to NOT have any contact with him. I even avoid certain areas in the city to not risk a meeting, but there is ALWAYS something! I keep telling my friends it looks almost like a curse and how many times can you come across your ex during 2 months. If u care to comment I’ll appreciate.
You may not have realised you were being mirrored. The example you gave concerning him joining a music event is an example of mirroring. It is difficult to comment further on whether he is a narcissist on the information provided. If you ended the relationship, the repeated appearance you refer to are likely to be hoovers but more information is needed Lana.
I seduced him. Unknowingly, it was just who I am. You know how it goes, you identify the victim just because of who they are. Then you hope. Is it our fault that you herald us as your saviour? I remember his love sick puppy dog eyes as he sat on a couch staring at me and I said out loud to him ‘oh my god – I seduced you’. And do you think I ever heard the end of that? Oh, that was great ammunition, that one.
If he had shown who he really was straight up, I wouldn’t have touched him with a six foot pole. So no, we don’t volunteer to be abused. We’re under a spell and we think we love you – but we don’t. Nobody loves you. We love ourselves and you were merely the object to see our own perfection. Oh, the irony.
Jar,
That is so spooky. He also looked at me with love sick puppy dog eyes – like he was infatuated.
You would never know what he was beforehand – the mask was in place.
They *are* infatuated which is why they look like that. You are witnessing addicts in the midst of a “high” on their drug of choice: fuel. Mine told me she was in a state of “bliss” as a result of our interaction and she wasn’t lying. It’s only in retrospect that I realized that that bliss she was talking about had nothing to do with me. It was merely due to the massive dollop of fuel she got from her successful seduction of me.
High Octane,
Thank you for the enlightenment.
This was near the start of seduction phase and we hadn’t slept together yet. What fuel was he gaining from me? My attention?
I thought the infatuated look had settled as he got to know me more and was replaced by some deeper feelings. Obviously not!
No, he was in love with my fuel. Or even then, the potential of my fuel. I really believe back then he thought I was ‘the one’ too – but not in our sense of the word. Someone to save him from himself – which is never going to happen.
Interesting Jar that you say he was looking for someone to save him from himself. Do you think that is an unconscious desire within?
I don’t think it was conscious with this one.
Yes….
Dickula has those same eyes. I called them wolf pup eyes. Looked at me like he was a lost little wolf, enthralled with me, when in reality he was looking at me like I was dinner
Hahaha “Nobody loves you” made me laugh 😀 So true though, once they show their real self nobody wants to be around. Except Stockholm syndrome.
Same here. He didn’t move fast, took a year and that made me think he wasn’t just after one thing. Most men if you don’t put out soon disappear quickly.
As with you Matilda he did not mirror my tastes hobbies etc much, but as with you Ollie, was attentive and charming and appeared to care.
Of course it was easy for him to find some things out about me because he carried out security screening for staff at work. That’s why he knew when it was my birthday. Came to wish me happy birthday but I was off work that day. I e-mailed him the next day to thank him, he invited me for coffee and it all started from there. I never delved into his life much, never asked him too many questions, I think because growing up I was always taught not to ask, to accept. And I accepted him at face value, not knowing that face was really a mask. I opened my heart to him so unwittingly gave him a lot of information.
Like you Ollie I was happy to have the attention, to feel I was attractive, desired. A whole year before I succumbed.
But I have been told by my friend recently that he approached her, before he targeted me, asking if she and her husband were fine. Testing for a chink so that he could start his manipulation?
Once I saw him showing concern to another woman, and he told me she was looking after her sick mother and he was asking if she was coping etc. Now I think was he testing the waters there.
I too had these uneasy gut feelings but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He would ask ‘do you trust me?’. I would say 99%. He would reply ‘you can trust me, I’ll look after you’.
With his new primary source he was not bothered that she is married. I know that he has invited her for coffee, which turned into to lunches as well as coffee, then he got her to sleep with him. That’s how it was with me.
If a method is tried and tested and works I guess Narcs use it all the time – HG is that the case?
He is the golden period with his new source and I am discarded now that she is embedded. Yep I too wait for that text to feel like he cares. But he doesn’t. I feel that any texts I receive now I know are just placatory. Like he is thinking ‘I’ll just text her to keep her onside, get it over and done with and then I’m free to call/text my primary source all day.’
Matilda you say ‘I was neither a victim nor a volunteer: I just did not know any better at the time’
I say I volunteered to be a victim without knowing it.
I was manipulated to valunteer. I was not a valunteer. And yes if somebody rushed into any relationship as described by HG, it is dengarous for many reasons. But it does not change the fact that narcs act like a Venus flytrap and we empaths act like a fly during a seduction process. The fly’s body fluids will be absorbed and it will be fully digested in the feeding process. It hard to say it is a fly fault that now is desintegrated. Kind of silly idea HG? There is a only one offender here.
Also, shouldn’t it be obvious that unless the Narc discloses his condition to new people, then hands down they are victims?
If a guy tells me, “Hi, my name is (HG) *shakes hands* by the way I think I’m a narcissist sociopath.”
If I still decide to engage with that person then I’m a volunteer, but given most narcs won’t do that since they either know there’s a stigma against them or don’t know what they are, then I am 100% a victim… are you people kidding me?
What’s a diagnosis? It’s a cluster of behaviors in the human brain for a given period of time.
We shouldn’t believe what the mental health industry “diagnoses.” Because it leaves a permanent label, & a lifelong pharmaceutical customer.
For example, no one is depressed their whole lives, unless the cluster of behaviors is extended. Depression does not mean you are the disease, it means the weight of your world is causing a certain cluster of emotions.
The human brain is too complex to diagnose behaviors under one word like Narcissism.
I respect HG for what he’s doing here, but like I said everyone’s different and what he blogs about is an outline of his and only his brain. So I’m not sure it’s credible for you to make statements like “our kind” “my type,” etc. everyone’s brain is different so you are creating an even bigger deflection of truth in psychology.
There are more than 50 shades of grey, or should that be more than 50 shades of HG!
He did not move so fast. In fact, he took his time. That’s what i liked abt him. HG, your date lets you stay overnight on the second date? 😱 That means she’s a volunteer!!
Same here Matilda, I did not know any better at the time, but was happy with the attention, his charm, wit, compliments, and the creation of the illusion…
Yes, all of these were nice, Ollie… but the main attraction for me was that I felt *understood*, as I understood him… a very powerful bond was created… I felt so peaceful within for the first time in my life… that sense of calm is what I am hoping to find again… with a cuddly, gentle empath who shares his life with at least one pet! 🙂 🙂
The manner and speed of the seduction discussed here would have creeped me out then, and it would be out of the question now.
He did not mirror me in the sense of matching my tastes. He showed interest in what I was passionate about, and I warmed to the idea of conversing. Before I knew it, I was not only looking forward to his wit and humour, but also to his mere presence 🙂 … and the battle was lost.
There were vague, uneasy gut feelings which I could not interpret, so, they were brushed aside. I was neither a victim nor a volunteer: I just did not know any better at the time.
SURVIVER! Kicked her ass to the curb and put her in jail. New boundaries and outlook. A well informed and educated (thank you HG) is a very dangerous person to dance with.
Hi darlingsoph
I too look for my ex to call or text and im disappointed i havent heard from him. Eight years of nonsense and then he left
He came back for only 2 months. This time around the heartache is worse. Best of luck to you.
Mine is usually never more than 2 weeks. He has this need for me as I’m all he’s got. He will drink for days and flirt on social Media before finally coming back to “forgive me”
It’s been 3 days since we last spoke now. He’s blocked me on everything.
There were signs along the way. I chose to ignore them. Standing in the kitchen, my inner voice said, “walk out the front door now”. I remember thinking, no, I’ve got this. One month into the relationship I knew, two months, three months. I left, he talked me into coming back repeatedly. Hanging onto a victim mentality kept me linked to him. He was selling a fake high and I was a buyer.
Well said! Same here!
Did you volunteer or were you a victim?
Pertinent question Mona. Not that I like to admit it, but I was a victim.
Well played, Mona 🙂
You write the truth here. Can I volunteer to reenact that photo accompanying the article with you? Let me down easy H. G .
ABB, would you be the victim or the perp? I believe the victim is the man in the pic.
Oh my dear love,
I would love to reenact being the perp. However if I tease about reenacting that with the master, I would have no choice but to portray the victim. I guess you could say I was bi that way.
I would love to be the perp in this pic too. It is sexy to wield so much power! Though I assume the ‘victim’ I select will probably be a narc in sheep clothing and he’ll be laughing at my poor perp acting skills.
Interesting read HG and I would suspect both actually. I did have some red flags…
I did volunteer but that does not excuse his actions and I refuse to let him close me off to exquisite love with a better man. Discernment is the way forward for me but I will not place myself in armor. He would like that
Thank you WA. I always find the responses to this set of articles very interesting.
Those people you do that to are victims…They didn’t know you stalked them and were blindsided. Knowing that you are a narcissist I can see why you would feel that way after all you’re never to blame. You’re a creepy stalker preying on people who have problems with boundaries. Like you they were taught when they were young that they don’t matter so it’s easy for them to forgo boundaries because they don’t know what they are; they just do it in the opposite direction of you.
Hello Tonya, thanks for your comment. I’m not creepy by the way.
Would you like “private investigator” better…lol
Wow this struck a cord with me.
I have been with my “soulmate” for 5 years. He was the sweetest man from the get go. He had a really hard childhood and was quite depressed when I met him. He told my I saved him. Told me that we must have met in another life and followed each other through our lives. He said I was beautiful and everybody tells him how lucky he is. He said he would die for me and he never even considered marrying a woman before until he met me. Oh he made me feel like I was a queen.
Then he moved away for work for a while and we had to have a long distance relationship.
We would have 3 days of FaceTime and texts and love talk that made me feel my heart could literally burst.
Then I would text and get no reply.
I would text a few hours later but still nothing. Was strange because he was posting on social media and liking other womens photos. Hours turned into days and he still hasn’t replied. I would start to worry and message him these long messages about how much I loved him and I just needed to know he was ok.. then after 3-5 days he would text to tell me off for going crazy on him because I hadn’t heard from him. He said he needed time alone and sometimes he just feels depressed. I told him I see him post on the internet and he would get really angry and accuse me of stalking him and he can’t live like that.
Followed by the threat to block my number and end the relationship because he can’t be controlled by me.
Hours of crying later and I would get a text telling me that he loves me but I need to stop being so insecure. He won’t put up with it.
I would say sorry and promise I won’t do it again.
Back to love and devotion and amazing FaceTime movie dates together. We were back Happy and I was happy again.
Then a week later he would go missing again and there he would be on social media posting semi naked porn stars and talking to other women about sex. I got angry and called him to say it was disrespectful and I was told it’s just social media and means nothing and I’m insecure. He would block me and disappear again. This became our cycle.
Eventually I couldn’t cope anymore and ended it. I told him I was worth more.
Then days went by until I would get a text telling me he can’t live without me. How he loves me so much and he will change. Anything I want I can have. No other woman can come close to me and what we have is out of this world and the universe bought us together and we need to stay together. I would cry. Sometimes he would cry. Before I know it I’m back planning our wedding with him.
Sometimes he would ignore me for only a day and sometimes he would tell me I’m better off without him because he is worthless and doesn’t deserve to be loved. I wanted to protect him. Show him he’s worthy of love. Did I mention he drank daily? He would get drunk and we where either laughing our heads off or I was trying to explain how I didn’t mean to say something that he took the wrong way. Sometimes he would get so angry that he would threaten to burn the letters I sent him if I didn’t apologise and he’s threatened to post a private photo I sent him once. He can get so angry that I’m begging him to stop being so cruel and cold. How can my soulmate treat me like that.
He would compare me to all his bad ex’s or controlling parents. Things I did reminded him of them and it made him nervous to commit to me.
I had to tread carefully and not disagree or criticise him because it would be like a red rag to a bull. He would tell me to fuck off and tell me something about me that’s negative. He’s called me manipulative too. I’ve only ever tried to be there for him.
He sent me some lovely gifts recently and the most beautiful love letter and poem. He loves me so much. He’s had a hard life and I need to understand that he doesn’t know how to have a real relationship. I can help him. I can be that one woman to change him. He believes so too. He said I just have to be patient with him.
If I don’t make plans or bug him about what he’s doing in the day because all he does is work and sleep, if I listen to him when he’s telling me something and I don’t hassle him, then we will be married and have a beautiful family together when he comes home.
I know all of this is wrong. I recently ended our relationship due to me spending half of it crying.
Doesn’t stop me hurting and yearning for him though. I keep checking my phone works and jumping when I get a text. Then my heart drops when it wasn’t a text from him. I’ll ignore it if he does get in touch. I just want to know it wasnt all for nothing. To feel that I meant something to him and he misses me too. To know he hasn’t just run off with someone else. Maybe I’ll tell him off and explain how I feel. Maybe this time he will understand….. until the next time. 😞
I’m sorry you’re going through that. I know how confusing and heartbreaking it is.
It’s heart wrenching. I just don’t get how he can’t love me when he’s only human so must have it in him somewhere… surely?
There are so many parallels in your story that resonate with me regarding my relationship with the woman that I loved. I just wanted to love her and heal her and she would block me and let me back in again. That’s what caused most of my psychological damage. I could never understand how she could go from loving me to hating me in a heartbeat.
You need to read HG’s books. This man never loved you – he loves the emotions he could control in you. This should make you very angry, but you should never contact him again.
Change the message sound. Block his number. You need to never be contacted by him again to be free. He doesn’t love you – you need to love you.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Love is simple. Stick with simple next time. And after you heal, there will be a next time – and it will be more wonderful than ever my love. x
I have changed his ring tone to a horrible alarm and his photo is a sign saying: “don’t feed the narcissist”
It’s a start, then delete it altogether.
Because he never loved you really in the first place
Come on, HG, you know some of us would would be repelled by that type of behavior and never give you a chance to work your evil magic if you came on that strong too soon. I would have definitely put the brakes on if Dickula would have came on that strong. Someone’s trying to do that to me right now and I think he’s a weirdo because of it and won’t even respond to him. I get super pissed off and turned off by someone trying to speed relationship me. You know for some of us, you have to put on your “chill, no pressure, take things slow mask” in order to weave your dark voodoo shit around us, before you’re able to unsuspectingly slit our throat at the sacrificial alter of your almighty fuel tank.
Indeed that is correct Lovieland, there are different approaches in certain instances and this is one of them and you have pointed out another.
Reading the comments from your followers, though, I’m beginning to see that there are more volunteers than I ever would have imagined.
Yes Lovie, there are many volunteers. When I was in Naples, my driver explained what a traffic light means in Italian. Green is go, yellow is go faster, and red is just a suggestion. So no, red flag in front of me with klaxons blaring in the background, is simply that – a suggestion.
Lovieland mentions the approach the narc I was involved with uses. He totally uses both approaches. Diesnhis homework and sets the hook with tons of attention then pulls the “I need to take it slow”. This usually makes women pursue him like crazy. He also proclaims he doesn’t have sex(lie) it’s all a game. And again, they makes women want to be the one that gets him to have sex. All a game.
I agree. If a guy tells me he’s madly in love with me after we’ve only known each other for about five minutes, or says he feels a “connection” with me after we’ve only gone on one or two dates, I’m out of here.
Men like this SCARE me.
I have definitely often brought this on myself, since I am known for being vivacious myself. It is a part of my personality, since I am fun-loving and like and know how to have a good time.
But for me, having a good time and becoming too intimate too soon are two very different things. I mean, it is possible to have fun and not share anything personal about yourself.
I am definitely a volunteer every time it begins. The hard part is getting out without having to move or without somebody going to jail.
Wow! Its like you have ESPN! (Mean Girls movie reference) or read my comments from earlier blog post Narc Truths 132TO? Or it was timing? Or providence? Its like when we were together, the narc and i, alot of seemingly devine providence and seemingly devine telepathy.
Ugh, my ass just got tired….
🙂
it’s always the same question… we all were victims and so were You… This post brings me back to real life… reminds me what I went through. .. make me put my guard back up ..