30 Shards of Ice
Words are our weapons. Easy to use, low in energy expenditure but with such potential. The capacity to charm, to flatter, to instil joy, to create desire, love and passion, to engender affection and much more besides. Words can be used to soothe, to convince, to persuade and to calm. Those words can also hurt, upset, annoy and frustrate. Cutting comments, acidic accusations and pernicious put-downs. The greater of our kind show particular ingenuity in assembling those savage sentences which cause despair and generate misery for the recipient. We adopt a considered approach in respect of the uttering of these barbed comments.
- They will be reserved most often for strangers and minions in order to reinforce our superiority and to show off in front of you, our primary source. We have no façade to maintain with the newspaper vendor, the waitress or the driver of another car. They will suffer the caustic words to allow the provision of fuel to us by their shocked and upset reaction and also from you by reason of your admiration at our masterful handling of the incompetent person serving us.
- Those who form the façade rarely receive the lash of our tongue unless they deceive us and become treacherous. For the most part those people will only ever experience the pouring of honey in their ears and the sugar-coated pleasantries which are designed to keep the loyal to us and to maintain the façade to our benefit.
- The worst of these comments is directed at you as our primary source of fuel. The issuing of nasty, malevolent and hurtful comments will be saved for you during devaluation for the purposes of causing the maximum provision of fuel and the assertion of our control. Slurs about your life, your appearance, your family, your interests, your job and your friends will be routinely hurled at you. This will happen repeatedly, like a machine gun firing our bilious bullets towards you. We also like to wield a show stopper of a comment, a particularly chilling comment which is designed to drive a shard of ice through your heart. The type of comment which leaves you in a stunned silence at the malice it contains. The nature of the comment leaves you horrified that somebody would say that to you, somebody who is meant to love and cherish you, somebody who once said the most wonderful things to you (and will do so again in about a week as the rollercoaster ride gets into its stride). These comments are designed to deliver maximum hurt, total upset and have that negative fuel pouring from you. They may leave you stunned, sickened, frightened and anxious, they will chill you to the core but our kind will always deliver them because words are our weapons. Here are thirty icy shards which are driven through your hearts.
- I will always be in your head and your heart. You will never ever escape me.
- I will not stop. Ever.
- You know, I thought about your funeral before and it troubled me. It troubled me because I would no longer be able to punish you.
- Nobody likes you, that is why your dad left you, you know. Nobody else will say it but I will.
- I hope it takes years of therapy to sort you out.
- You think this is bad? This is nothing. I am just getting started.
- I always know where you are.
- You are my puppet and I will never cut the strings.
- I know everything about you. Remember that.
- It’s strange what can happen when you are asleep.
- No matter how far you go I will always find you, because I own you.
- I only chose you because I felt sorry for you.
- You have no idea what is going through my mind right now have you? But I know exactly what you are thinking.
- Go on scream, nobody is listening.
- You are not a person to me.
- I’ve caressed you. Now I am going to crush you.
- Just think, you have already had the happiest moment in your life.
- You have told me all your secrets. Remember that.
- I’m diseased and I’ve infected every part of you.
- Nobody will ever believe what you say.
- I’m the permanent reminder of all the things you want to forget.
- I will teach our children to hate you.
- I’m going to show you what loneliness really is.
- This is happening because you are a bad person.
- I need to cleanse you and I will not stop until it is done.
- When you close your eyes you will only ever see my face.
- I will never let you go.
- I will never put you out of your misery.
- I hate her because she reminds me too much of you.
- This is what will happen for the rest of your life.
There are many more, but what have you been told which has stopped you in your tracks and sent a chill through you?
42 thoughts on “30 Shards of Ice”
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I would ask a question & he would not answer. Innocently I would say “did you hear me?” He would say, “if I deem it worthy of answering you, I will answer”. I was stunned each time over the 40 years of marriage. (He left me & married his first wife)
U were married forty years…,and then he re-married first wife !?? Wait …could this be re explained, by chance ?
The “lesser” narcissist is like a wild animal, violent and of lower intelligence, using words to communicate is not helpful with such an individual. The lesser is usually violent and is more willing to commit murder. That kind of “enough” does come for a victim when it doesn’t matter what the narcissist threats, it just doesn’t matter anymore. Words no longer have any meaning, love words or hate words. The narcissist has no meaning anymore. The “greater” narcissist, now that one who can be manipulated because he lives in the world of words, and he’s extremely needy. He automatically underestimates because of his ego and assumed superiority. He would never imagine honesty and truth to be used to manipulate him in a situation, to actually change his actions whatout him knowing he was manipulated. Turning and turning of conversation, sounding of heart, but manipulating none the less. A goal in mind all the time, ah, result achieved. Truthful, frank, yet goal oriented. Sometimes you have to out manipulate a manipulator. He thinks he got something of what he may have wanted but actually you changed his mind and he didn’t even know it. The “greater” narcissistic is easier to deal with because he is smarter than the “lesser.” The best outcome for any victim is to go no contact if at all possible.
HG, this sounds as though it would be threatening but don’t you think that a well “seasoned” victim would eventually laugh at such threats? I mean come on now, it gets a old after awhile. There comes a time when the victim is no longer afraid of the big bad wolf and either completely ignores “it” or laughs because of its relentless neediness and weaknesses. A time comes when a victim has had enough and something changes. I suspect it is a dangerous time for both people.
Yes, some might, some won’t and should a change be required it brings with it additional danger.
Incredibly dangerous depending on the type of Narc you are dealing with. Mine has tried to kill me more than once so I tended to take his threats seriously but I just got to a point that death wasn’t really a threat anymore, it would be a welcome release from the pain and terror. I finally told him on Christmas to stop threatening I would come to him and we could just have us a showdown in front his Mom’s (where he is staying now that I wised up and threw him out) but he wanted no part of that. He doesn’t want to actually fight me, just terrorize me. Sorry, dude, I’m fresh out of that emotion. 😀
Great comment, Kat. 👍
I also caught him cheating with said ex about 3 weeks later…on my birthday. 😀 So precious he was.
Oh, the night of the accident he asked “Do you want to die tonight”? Then laughed like a maniac. That was his go to shard.
Mine used to like to weave imaginary scenarios to me about how it would be when we broke up. Not ‘if’ but ‘when’. It always involved him being fascinated with whether I would cry when I saw him with his new girl and would I be crazy and stalk him. Mine was a sociopath/narc so he would also say some pretty twisted shit at times. I remember him suddenly becoming friends with his ex on FB again (an ex he supposedly hated) I called him immediately to ask what was up (heart racing, rage rising in my gut) and he laughed and said to her “see I told you she would call right away”. He asked “Did you cry and your heart race when you saw we were friends again? Did you start shaking?” Sadistic prick. He was responsible for a horrible accident (he was driving) in which I lost part of a finger. He would say “You will never forget me, I will be there every time you look at your hand”. I kicked him out December 7th. Still working on nc. I waver between wanting to run to him and wanting to run over him…with a bus. The struggle is real.
I imagine the delivery of a shard can go hand in hand with your blog on getting lifted up during a respite or a Hoover only to be brought higher to pushed off the cliff for a steeper fall. This giving you a bigger rush of potent negative fuel.
Very much the case Clarece.
Excellent thing to remember for future strategizing.
P.S. The empath can do the same in reverse as I did with two long-standing narc’s I decided to dump. My timing was perfect and both got blindsided. I got the additional satisfaction of knowing no Hoover will ever get near me.
“I don’t know what happened to you as a child but your lack of self esteem is annoying.”
Said the day my dog died, after a 3 day silent treatment. After finding HG & conversing with a friend, I believe he poisoned her.
My “people” also chose to dagger right after both my dogs died of cancer. They know exactly when to strike.
I was never spoken to in this way from the ex-MN (I wasn’t the Primary Source); however, from the 1st ex-HN:
Who’s going to want someone like you, with two kids?
And the worst:
If I can’t be with my daughter, NO ONE will!
I only went to you mother’s funeral because my mother made me.
Bitch has been discarded.
I and the reverse projection thing –
You own me
You control me
You can abuse me.
Weird stuff – especially since we were making love and we made our son.
You will regret that, wispered in my ear. The tone made me freeze and my heart stop.
All I said was that is the biggest difference between us I will, you wont.
“I love you so much I want to hurt u”
“if they lock u up in mental hospital they will drug u and u will become useless”
“don’t you understand how much I love You?!!!”-accompanied with painfully holding and pulling my hair while I was having a panic attack on the floor….
and many more but PTSD erased many from my memories. ..until they come back as triggers without me knowing…
Ive had a few narcs…here are a few shards:
‘You ll always be alone. No one will ever want you…you dont know how to love.’
‘You’re mine! And im not gonna let you not be mine’
‘You know when I told you i would love you even if you was as big as the side of a house? Well, I was wrong. You need to lose weight. It doesnt suit you’… I was slim! with a few pounds gained after 5 weeks of ridiculous fattening treats he brought me! Lol.
‘Im going to have a lovely family Christmas and you’re going to be all alone!’
Lots…
Im so over it. And seriously find some a bit funny now…not at the time though! Ofcourse I know how to love. And Im a magnet empath ..alone forever my ass! Those pounds? Ha..worked em off.
Those shards can be seen to be gauntlets thrown at my feet in the dirt.. To pick up or not to pick up? Depends on the aquired skill of neutrality…a skill that I continue to learn about from HG. I will never forget this master teacher. I am stronger with these terrible truth gifts of his. He helps me to turn away.
Yep. Found this blog right at the right time. I was wavering in what I was understanding. I reached a point of starting to really believe in myself. I had done the autopsy of what had happened. Learned all about PUA and Neurolinguistic programming, survived on NPD healing boards but I was always missing some critical piece and that was hearing it from the horse’s mouth in a way I could hear it. But still, my heart would not let go. I still could not believe that he had done all this on purpose. To me, 30 years had indeed gone by. People grow and change. I thought he had but he was the same. He had just perfected his game in a way. But I still wanted to believe the fairy tale. Last November was my last interaction with him as I saw he will never, ever bear me a single bit of good will. Ever. He ran me as far into the ground as he could. Let him go find someone else to play with. I am out. Hurt, sad, but I am out. And I will keep reading HG’s posts for me to finish putting it all together….
Sarabella…
Me too re: healing boards…only took me so far…but then I found HG.
Horrifying truth of my reality continues to resonate.
Be well. ⚘
Oh and:
“Are you really that blind that you cannot see.. are you really that deaf that you cannot hear.. are you really so stupid that you cannot do what I asked you to do… mortified are you? well I’m pissed off because you’re still carrying on” …
He told me not to text him but I did text him so this is
part of a text in answer to me telling him I was mortified…
All I did was text him I was mortified and I get called deaf blind and stupid…(again)
and why was I texting him that I was mortified?
Because he begged me to go to his house after I had discarded him… I got sucked in and went and when I got there he was nice at first and made me a drink but when I decided to leave he turned on me because he didn’t want me to leave… and ended up saying to me amongst other things: ” what are you doing here anyway? you look needy coming here”. And ” just because you’ve decided to get back together and come round doesn’t mean I have to stand to attention.. I want my space just like youve been having”
!!!!
No i wasnt even trying to get back together…he wanted help with something and I fell for it..i got hoovered in..underneath i suppose i hoped for a glimmer of who I had met i admit 😣…nevertheless i went telling him that i would help him with the task when I arrived.
I left and said it was a bit rich making remarks like that and I was mortified, after all it was him that wanted me to go in the first place!…
There are quite a few things like this but I keep burying them …its like a fog.. as if I’ve got amnesia then all of a sudden some really horrible things come up and i think omg.
Now thanks to HG I can see that it was a criticism because although I went I wasn’t trying to get back together with him and he knew this… no matter how he worded my punishment.. it was a criticism that I only went to help with the task..that I wasn’t actually providing him with the fuel he actually wanted.
It seems really simple now and ties in with other crazymaking and the contrary remarks and behaviours over time… it didn’t make any sense and drove me nuts.. it really upset me.. the fact that I bothered to go just to be insulted.. the fact that I wouldn’t have been there if he hadnt asked me to go
When I got 20 miles away from his place and after an hour had elapsed he text me again and asked me to come back….! Of course I never went back I’m not that much of a glutton for punishment.
It’s going too far expecting me to drive 20 miles one way 20 miles another on a say so.
This is somebody that I used to call out on things and stand up to.. this is someone who called me heartless and said I didn’t know how to love and this is someone who said he’d never loved anybody more than me in all of his life because I was just so wonderful and lovely.. yet i say im a little tired and want to cuddle and not have sex so he tells me to “fuck off then” ….
He is still trying to hoover me every few days again now..we all know how the rest of the story goes.
Its good not having to tell how it feels and how crazy making it is.. it’s a Lonely Place when people around you would never understand some incidents and how you really cannot explain how you feel trapped.. completely isolated, but not so with people who have had this …with people who get it.
I am not glad that you are here because it means you’ve suffered too but I am glad to know I wasnt alone. To all of you: Peace.⚘⚘⚘
Peace back atcha, Debbie! ✌️
HG Tudor I’ve only been Reading your articles for 3 Days now and can’t seem to get enough! Every article I can relate to in some form. and am at so much Calm! I feel I have Confirmation Now. You have lifted a ton of bricks off of me.
Also I can’t Help but look at him Diferently…at first I felt anger while reading these articles and then I started to feel Sympathy for him. I will Always have my guard up…I want to Thank You So Much for your reads. I have Regained my Sanity! Again TY
You are welcome Sherry.
Funny, I have never went through a full discard since I escaped right after the first attempt (successful) to hurt me. But I used 60% of those statements in exchange a day before I started NC with him. In his case all those statements were so well deserved. I used all his insecurities against him. Not sure if that hurled him at all. I hope so. NC part is most ‘painful’ I guess.
bananasareberries1
Me, too. Made me really question who the Narc was. A friend told me that the abused turn into abusers. That sort of made more sense, but I mentally went through every single devalue he had ever thrown my way and returned it to him. I exposed him to a few people. The sad thing about it? I am sure he has heard it all before. That’s the really sad thing. I bet HG could tell us he was told these things or been ‘abused’ in return. It would devastate us, to them, it seems to have little real impact. I remember how I thought of him 30 years ago. I said, back then, I remember seeing you and thinking, “What an asshole.” Something I thought he might said, I am really sorry again for what I did (I was still believing his stale hoover). But he laughed. He thought it was so funny. I said, why are you laughing? That’s an odd reaction, He said it’s always interesting to hear what people think about you. He laughed. But when h told me to stop being an asshole (to him), he was full of threats and how my ‘behavior wasn’t funny’. The irony.
I hope NC hurts. I have him blocked and will never undo it. Ever. I am only debating whether to put my FB posts entirely private. I only have a few that are public. But i am hoping they will trigger feelings of my ‘revenge’ to him as they show my life doing well, happy, creative and living life. But maybe, making myself and my life entirely invisible to him would be better.
1.) telling our kids “mommy doesn’t love you, mommy doesn’t want you”
2.) telling me I killed his unborn child
3.) “you are exactly like your mother” ( who I hate)
4.) “I know you better than you know yourself, I know what you’ll do before you do it”
5.) ” I’m taking the kids before you screw up their life too”
6.) “you’ll be dead by this time next year”
7.) “If I can’t have you no one can ”
8.) “I cant believe you’re going to break up our family so you can get laid”
Just to name a few…
That’s Crazy!!
But your examples are so obvious / overt that it’s actually entertaining …
Amanda, I’ve been told some of these: #3, #4 and #6.
Also these:
A. Your family (who is supporting me through this breakup) will be sick of you soon, and you’ll look in the mirror, cut off your hair and want to die. (?)
B. You make me want to kill myself.
C. I’m ashamed to introduce you to my friends. You’re embarrassing.
D. Why don’t you just kill yourself?
E. You need therapy to deal with your issues.
F. What have you done to improve yourself? You sit around like a slug. You’re bringing me down.
G. Get out of my house.
Yeah, he’s really knocked my self esteem down quite a few levels…
But I managed to give some back to him during the last couple of weeks. And am still disappointed that I lowered myself to that level.
I also heard “D” and “E” in your list!
I moved out over a year ago, yet I still hear these things when I don’t engage in the love bombing.
I do find myself acting a lot like him now to my new partner and I hate it, yet I cant control it well. But I acknowledge it at least. Idk why this happens
Mine would say, “I was ok until I HEARD you Breath!” in a Joking way…I Was Shocked to hear that come out of his Mouth. Always thought that was so Cruel even to Joke about. Then I remember a time when he Always said from the beginning of the Relationship…”I don’t do flowers…meaning Never expect them from him. So about 4 years INTO The Relationship he arranged a Motel, Flowers and a card to be delivered to the room. We had a little Joke going about him comparing me to “Linda Blair in the EXORCIST. Anyhow our Plans Never happened but everything he ordered for motel room freaked me out till this Day. He Ordered a Dozen white Roses with One Black Rose placed in the Center of the bouquet. I remember feeling Sad. Considering a Black Flower to me resembles Death…then he went as far as calling a Card shop and having a Picture of Linda Blair’s horrible face Printed on the Outside of it! It’s freaks me out Still! I don’t understand his underlying cruel intentions when we were so in Love.??? Just baffles me as to why he does the things he does…Just NOT NORMAL!
You were in love Sherry, he was not.
Will A Narcissist Ever feel TRUE LOVE at ANYTIME in their Lifetime?
From where I stand, no, but who knows what might change. As I understand, the intention has been to cause me to understand what I am, why I am that way and what caused it, in order to then deconstruct what I am and reconstruct. I imagine it is in the reconstruction that the optimists see that as being when love would manifest. It remains to be seen if it can be done.
Ice Ice Baby, too cold too cold.