Why Has He Gone Back?
Think back to that glorious time when you were courted by the narcissist who ensnared you. Amidst the delight and excitement of that powerful and dizzying seduction there is a good chance that mention was made of his or her ex. That person was the devil incarnate weren’t they? They were an abuser, a drunk, an addict, a gold-digger, a gambler, never worked, a sponger, never helped around the house, never helped with the children, bad-tempered, unsociable, awkward, played video games all day and so on. No doubt your narcissist’s ex was one or more of those things. They were smeared to you from the off.
“He is just plain evil.”
“She is utterly batshit crazy.”
“You won’t want to meet her; she is a fruit loop.”
“He is violent and nasty. Charming on the outside but horrible on the inside.”
A hundred different ways to ensure that you thought ill of the predecessor ex and more highly of us. Praise for having broken free, sympathy for what we endured, encouragement for being with you. The fuel flowed as we recounted tale after tale of terrible treatment. All of this was told after we had jettisoned this person as we embedded you into our world.
It may even have been the case that you commenced an affair with us. We admitted we were married, lived with somebody or in a relationship but a combination of our charismatic magnetism and the tales of woe about how our partner was horrible and abusive meant that you saw somebody wonderful in need of your love and you felt no real concerns at interfering in our relationship. After all, how many times did we tell you that we never had sex with them anymore, that we did not even share a bed, how we were only together for the sake of the children and a hundred other reasons that are given to entice you and reassure you that it is you we want. We may well have even left our partner to be with you. You triumphed. Good overcame evil as you ensured that we had the support, courage and determination to escape their horrible treatment of us. You had us to yourself and the golden period could truly commence.
Sometime later, it might be weeks, it could be months and possibly even years, something strange happened.
We went back.
You were unceremoniously dropped and we returned to the arms of the ex-partner once again. How could this be so? How could we return to someone so horrible, so abusive, so evil? How could we go back to this person about whom we told you so many stories of their abusive behaviour and ugly character? How could we return after you rescued us from them? How could we do this after everything you have done for us? Whereas the ex was horrible, you were delightful, the ex did not care, you never stopped caring and where the ex was cruel, you were wonderful. You helped us through the separation and you shielded us when the savage ex came after us, blaming you for breaking a happy (ha!) marriage up. You heard their protestations that you turned their partner’s head, whispered lies about them so as to turn their partner against the ex. You remember how astonished you were at the time that someone would have the audacity to behave in such an abusive manner and then accuse you of doing the things that they engaged in. This ex was just as we described wasn’t she? Manipulative, vicious and blaming everybody else but herself. Just as we had warned you, she behaved exactly to type. She even accused us of certain things but you did not believe them because we had already forewarned you that this was something she would do. Try to make you think that we were the abusive one in order to deflect attention from what she was really like. How on earth could we go back to this liar, this cheat, this abuser, this evil and horrible person? It just made no sense.
In some instances, you received no answer. Our number had changed. We moved back in with this person at a place you don’t know. We blocked you on social media, those friends you thought you had made in our circles shunned you or just told you to accept that these things happen and to move on. But you cannot. You cannot fathom out why someone could do this. Firstly, why return to an abuser? Secondly, why drop someone wonderful like you who we had professed a real and perfect love for? Nothing made sense anymore.
You might have been able to confront us to try and find out why on earth we have behaved in this way. You may have been given a sole opportunity to state your case and to find out why we have done this and left you devastated. You will have been told things such as: –
“I knew that I really did love them. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”
“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”
“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”
“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”
You will have argued against these comments. You will have tried to persuade us in order to get us back again. No doubt you said things to each of the above comments, like these: –
“You don’t love her. How can you love someone who has abused you for such a long time? You have done the hard bit, getting away from her. You cannot go back.”
“She won’t change. Why would she? You said it yourself she has promised this before and nothing has happened.”
“If you did the right thing for your children you would not expose them to such a toxic atmosphere as the one you described between you and her.”
“She has you under complete control. You don’t know anything other than her abusive ways and you have accepted them. You don’t have to do that. I can help you.”
Your desperate and well-intentioned pleas and reasoning failed. The reason why is because when we said each of the comments above, this is what we really meant.
“I knew that I really did love her. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”
“You weren’t the fuel I thought you would be and I realised the fuel I would get from going back and hoovering my ex and seeking another chance would outweigh what you were giving me and it worked. But don’t worry. I am not going to get rid of you just yet. I have organised a wonderful triangulation for me, you and her that will carry on through the reconciliation. It will be like we are having an affair (having an affair again). How exciting. How fuel-laden”
“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”
“I promised to change. That hoovered her back in. It always does and she fell for it and that fuel is better than yours.”
“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”
“I saw some cracks in the façade and realised that people actually might turn against me. I need that façade so I have to sacrifice you instead. You won’t realise this but I have told her, our families and friends that you are a stalker and you were trying to blackmail me. They understand. The façade is intact. You are expendable.”
“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”
“I know her inside out and I know that no matter how many times I do this she will always take me back and give me powerful hoover fuel. I know I told you that you were the only one I have left her for. That wasn’t true. You are nothing special. I have done it many times before and I will do it again. I might do it again with you if you are foolish enough to give me another chance. It is all good fuel.”
If you are reeling from the stunning revelation that we have returned to the ex that was labelled as horrible and abusive. If you are unable to comprehend why we would do this, I understand. I understand that it truly makes no sense when looked at from your perspective. The reality is however they were never abusive. I am the abuser. I used you as I used my partner in order to get fuel. I projected my behaviours onto them and you lapped it all up, giving me positive fuel and negative fuel from her as I triangulated you with her. I may not have gone back, but the quality of the hoover fuel and the ease by which I can achieve it makes it irresistible. I will come back to you again and you will let me because you have tasted the golden period. You still believe she is the bitch and the two of you will fight over me blaming one another rather than realise that I am to the blame. I planned it. I orchestrated it. I am the puppet master.
65 thoughts on “Why Has He Gone Back?”
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I called him a Narc a few times.
The first time he took great offence and said it sounded like his father.
(Admittedly it was true)
I have him pages of info on narcissism and what makes a narc. A lot of it was centred on narc parents.
His dad was evil and still is. Everything I read about narcs, I think back to something my narc or his mother told me.
He came to me a few days later and said it was crazy how this author was “right on the money” with the traits and character assessment.
The 2nd time I said I feel his is a narc, he was very pissed off with me and said “I’m nothing like my father” “how can I be one when I give you anything you ask for. I never put you down and make you feel anything other than a beautiful amazing woman” “I’m in love with you but don’t compare me to that man again” then he would storm off for a few days with no reply to any of my pleas to speak to me.
Hello, HG. In one of your comments here, you talked about stickability. If DS, upon learning the narc started a new relationship with someone while discarding his wife, threatened to walk away thus indicating she wanted/hoped for more but then instantly backtracked and stayed telling the narc she wanted him happy even if with the other person and loved him anyway, would this tell the narc her stickability is strong and he could count on her to hang on for him or would that, on the contrary, indicate to him she was not reliable? Would appreciate insight into how the narc would view this situation? He is mid-range. Thank you very much!
I’m so very lucky that I never gave him permission to leave. He probably loved that because it allowed him to have his thumbs in two pies, but I am so lucky he was married and that I wasn’t her. His marriage saved me. My pregnancy saved me. There is no envy to be had for not being as sick as her. She’s seriously ill and her foundations were weak to begin with. 16 years at the time and hadn’t figured it out? Some women love playing mummies and self-avoiding. If that’s her trip, I pity her.
I’m getting proxy hoovers too, by his brother and a friend. So obvious lol. I never reply, no response whatsoever. Ignore. I’m not daft, I know it’s all done for him.
Maintain those defences DD.
I enjoy reading comments from the majority of the newcomers because, even from where I’m at, I can sense the light has come on. It may be a dim light at first, but it’s light nonetheless, and what’s even more exciting to watch, is how HG’s words transform most all of our dim lights into a brightness we’ve never known before in our lives. HG, I don’t care what you think, feel or believe (I really do for other reasons), I know you are Heaven sent. 🙏😉💕
I’ve been wanting to say that too, that HG is a Godsend, but wasnt sure how, without exploding his ego 🙂 and stuff. Fir what its worth to you, HG you are, and i hope that helps for you keep it all in perspective at the end of the day. Cheers!
Thank you Red, as you know, I like to be appreciated but my ego won’t explode as the fuel provided is at the lower end of the index.
I was actually razzing you a little about the ego part 🙂 Truth be told though, i am a bit leary and weary, going through heck with a N and him employing my (our) boss as a lieutenant and smearing me…its a bit of a uneasiness i have even to consider how i might handle anyone more in my life thats a N. I know for sure my boss is, and my ex. And I’ve consigned myself to just not showing no emotion to either or fueling anything they say with any form of aknowlegement unless it is very directly about work. Everything is cold and unfeeling toward them for now on, the same as they’ve done to me for years. Im working hard at making them dead to me, and with each little step forward, i am finding more of my own amazing indeviduality and spirit bubbling up to the surface. I think that is what ive noticed the most, and i like that feeling, of finding myself, and i thank you again, you helped with that truly. You are, as i said a Godsend.
I remember this happen to me(the exact same way) About a week later
I actually told him I knew what he was, it’s funny because this was said before I read your book about confronting the greater.. I never called the N word, I only said I know… he said what!? I never answered. Question:why would he ask me could I be totally committed to the relationship? After seeing, hearing,threats,and memorizing all the craziness (I said no way) I’m glad to have came across your blog…. H.G you really are the Greatest, but you already know that
Thank you Ciara. He asked the question to test your reaction in terms of fuel and ‘stickability’ to gauge what binding needed to be done.
Thank you, Red! I appreciate your kind words! Yes, most of us here are in the same boat. Mutual support is a huge deal. Together in understanding and healing!
Ditto 🙂 i have a lot of books to reread, however, i noticed my interest in otger things is coming back, today i got a book called the tesla metamorphosis, its about healing actually, and tesla. This cheers me up a little, because i noticed i started walking through stores and not having no feelung or connection to anything. VERY alarming on so many levels, for one, i was in a store, shopping! Another, im pretty outgoing, i love meeting people and connecting, or just watching them and putting their story together like in the show Lie to Me ( about micro expressions and crime solving). In fact i would love to go back to school for something like that. Maybe theres a connection there to be made as to why im stuck in working this out. I just have to understand this in logic, and my heart wont. I think H.G made mention earlier up the thread, to the ‘logic vessel’ , and i thought in two words it really might sum up what needs to happen, logic over riding non sense, over and over. So yep, i need to reread. A lot.
Dear HG, a question for you if I may. Last time I spoke with my narc, he wanted to tell me about some good changes in his life. He had previously told me his divorce had been finalized. He started a new relationship while separated from his wife a few months prior. I did not learn that from him but did ask him about it when i found out. I suspected he was going to tell me how his new relationship had become serious and that most likely they had moved in together. When we finally connected, he never told me about these “good changes.” I didn’t ask thinking he would share whatever he wanted to. He never did say anything about that. Why is that do you think? I was DS. Haven’t heard from him in a few months. I have not reached out either. Thank you ever so much!
I know the feeling, Daydreamer. Torturous. Mixture of anxiety, fear, sadness, pain, hopelessness. Yet, excitement and arousal at the thought of the possibility of contact. For me last contact was October. Feeling stronger most of the time and suddenly a wave of grief. Just riding these waves. Sending positive thoughts your way.
I.L…
I’m with you on this one. It’s been 4 days no contact.
My fingers are itching and my stomach flips with each alert tone on my phone. I have blocked him from social media. I have gone missing this time. I hope I can keep it up and stay away.
You should change the tone and block him on your phone, you don’t sound serious as all. The only game you’ll win is the one you don’t play. He doesn’t love you, not at all.
I’m very serious. I just need to stay strong. It’s not easy to let go of something you believed to be forever. But I have no choice. So maybe this is my way to pull back, Doesn’t make it any easier to do though.
Daydreamer,
it is very early days for you. Try to stay strong, but if he hoovered you and you broke ‘no contact’, do not beat yourself up about it! It would be entirely normal: we do not want to let go at first.
Usually, it takes several attempts to break free, as if we needed to experience several cycles of devaluation and discard to be *sure* that there would be no other outcome. When all hope dies, it will be easier, and it will hurt less. You will have no more tears to shed, and your determination will be strong. That is when the tables will be turning, and he will see that he has no power over you any more.
The road ahead is tough. Every time you want to contact him, think of the things he said and did to hurt you… he would not have done ANY of it IF HE HAD LOVED YOU! Keep reading, that’s the path to understanding and healing. The truth is painful, but it will give you peace.
I have been ‘no contact’ for a year now. It is still hard not to reply when I get a hoover message, part of me will always love him. But I remind myself of what he put me through, and that’s all I need now to stay strong.
‘No contact’ is the gold standard, the holy grail, the secret, the answer to our prayers. It is everything!! Seize the power!! 😀
I think this is Day 6 now.
He manipulated me and I can’t let that happen again.
It hurts like hell but my will to not be his victim anymore will hopefully have me dismiss the Hoover.
Maybe there is a little narc inside of me because I want so bad for him to message and try call me, just so I know he still wants me and I can now use that fuel to disappear on HIM!
Haha, DD, I still think the same thing, all these months later. At times I think it would be great if he tried to contact me, just so I can criticize him and wound him further than what I supposedly had already done, which wasn’t anything to really cry about, but clearly it wounded him enough to discard me. I’d love to, just once, use what I’ve learned to silently express what a real criticism is, but it’s not because I’m a Narc, it’s because I’m a Supernova! 🙂
Then I’m a supernova too and even if it’s only his pride that’s wounded… I was still the one that got away!
That’s exactly right, DD! 😁👍
Having been where you are I understand. 7 years on it’s still shocking to me but I am intent on saving my precious self and heart for someone real. Time to look forwards and outwards to the world. Why waste thought, time and energy on something or someone who is not real and doesn’t deserve you. Love is considerate and equal. Won’t play games or deliberately hurt. Be strong. Turn off the phone, go a walk, to the pictures. Meet real friends. Talk about the future, not the past. Love yourself first. Live your life and don’t look back. You decide what happens, be in control – no contact.
Wishing you love. Sending you a real hug.
I totally understand you, Red. Conflicting thoughts and feelings, anger, wanting him back, etc. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your addiction to the narc is pulling at your heart. It’s that emotional infection HG talks about here on the site and in his book “Exorcism.” Good book on practical steps to fight against the infection. I still want my narc too. I am no contact right now because he is silent. I got sick of always initiating contact. Being stubborn right now and saving my pride and dignity. However, I know should he reach out, I will not be able to resist. At least now. Miss him like crazy but sticking to my guns. Trying to get to indifference. Take one day at a time. Read, ask questions. Take care of yourself. Give it time and distance. Hang in there, Red. Hugs
Thank you so much I. L, you are a kindred spirit! (I think there should be a boat emonicon with two people in it, it would be cheerier then saying ‘in same boat here 🙂
Thank you, Daydreamer. I recommend “Fuel.” You will learn what drives narcs and their behavior and will realize it has nothing at all to do with you. They never see us as people. They never know us. This book is an excellent starting point on your journey to understanding.
I am sorry you are struggling, Daydreamer. It is rough. The heartache can be excruciating at times. I have been reading HG’s articles and asking questions for a few months now. It helps grow in understanding but, as HG pointed out and you already know, it takes time. Stay on the site, read articles and books HG wrote. You will start feeling better. The truth will start sinking in little by little. The pain will not sting as much. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Hugs to you.
Thank You for your kind words.
I’m just looking now at a sample of H.G’s book “Narcissist no contact”
Hoping it will help.
Hugs to you too.
Thank you, HG! I can grasp on the intellectual level it’s all about fuel but I am still struggling emotionally. Cannot imagine selecting a mate based on how well they stroke my ego. So when my narc said he was so attracted to me, it just meant he was attracted to my fuel? Sorry if the answer is obvious. Still working on crossing that emotional sea.
Correct. It takes time. Keep building that logic vessel.
I’m going through that exact same thing. Really struggling to believe that I meant nothing to this man who I felt I meant the world to.
Me too, its the hardest thing to resolve inside i think. I thought forgiving myself would help, but somehow it feels like always, that i take the brunt of the blame and somehow end up not seeing him to be blamed and wanting him back…what the heck is wrong with me is the only thing going around in my head now. I know how you’re feeling i think, and wish i could say the right thing too, but all ive learned so far is nothing much seems to be a real answer to fix the heartbreak. Maybe time and H.G, learning new thought patterns, loving yourself, building self esteem…but no quick fix that i can see or find, causr even trying to be angry and choking ypur heart has a few problems with application, for me my heart fights against anger if i even think it feels it. Which i cant understand. It seems the narc can use fury and anger to all their advantage. Hardly feels fair…if fairness existed.
Just speaking to someone who knows exactly what I’m going through is a help. It’s been 4 days with no contact. He hasn’t tried yet but I heard his social media is about being free and no more control over him.
You’re right Daydreamer, it does help alot. No one (other than here or similar places) seem to really get the gutt wrenching pain, or the helpless unknowing and wtf moments. It does help, alot. Hang in there.
I get “why are you with him then just leave”
It’s just not easy.I want the dreams he sold me. I believe I cab be the one to help him love.
Past tense. I THOUGHT I was the one to do that.
I feel the same. It must really be a for real narc mess when we all experience the same from the same narc behaviors. It all seems as much a commonality on all levels than having girl flu is.
I can not remember the article on here, H.G touched on reason people cant leave and why are they’re still with the N. But i remember thinking of everyone ive read talk about stuff, H.G nailed it and was spot on…maybe he’ll chime in with that info for you, it was really a ah ha moment and i should reread it too. Im not retaining as much at times about what im reading, more so when i dont want to believe i meant nothing, that pill is to hard to choke down.
Daydreamer, this is not to cause you discouragement, I just wanted to say that it’s been 10.5 months since being discarded/escaped (gotta give myself some credit) and I still struggle with the thought that I never meant anything to him, especially because most of our times together were so incredible. On the brighter side, I can also say, it has gotten a whole lot easier since learning all I have from HG! I would’ve never come as far as I have, in such a short period of time (considering what it could have been with this new knowledge), had I not discovered HG and “Knowing the Narcissist”! This site has honestly been a blessing for me and knowing that, alone, is what helps me keep moving forward every single day. It’s what makes those times of struggle a whole lot easier to face. Good luck to you, Daydreamer. 🙂
Thank You so much for your support. I’m on day 6 now and withdrawal is a bitch but so far he hasn’t tried to make contact.
He thinks he’s punishing me, but in truth HG is building up my “no bullshit” tolerance against him.
I ache still put I have taken my beautiful engagement ring off my finger and into a box in the draw.
I will beat this next Hoover.
Yes, you will, DD, and one day you’ll even decide to go sell that engagement ring and pay yourself for the bullshit he put you through. It was an uplifting day the day I sold all of the diamond and Ruby pendants he bought me. 😜👍
Probably not worth shit (he’s broke) lol
Was just the sentiment and promise I believed it bought with it.
Well then, all the more reason to dump his ass, if he can’t afford something nice enough for you to sell in times of need … like right now … haha! You’re going to get through this, DD, just keep educating yourself 🙂
Lmao bloody lost his job so bought a cheapy but yeah. Cheapskate.
Dear HG, so when you say it’s infatuation, do you mean you are infatuated with the fuel the person is providing meaning you are satisfied with the fuel? You are not infatuated with the person though as the personal qualities and characteristics? Thank you!
The fuel IL, that’s right.
HG, what are the chances of the coward lesser to approach me, if he realize that he is my enemy now. For malicious hoovers, I do not think this will ever happen, he is seriously scared of me. I think I twisted his arms before going NC and he is clear I am disgusted by his behaviors, lies, and manipulations. I would never accept him back in my life as he is the evilest and messed-up person I know. I told him that. He also knows I am no longer sympathetic because I reject his false self-pity. I am indifferent to his “I am so self-destructive” lament. I informed him his life is not my issue anymore, and he can go to hell, the place where he came from originally. No pity and no mercy, just coldness. So any chance he will try to hoover with NC in place? He knows about NC as I politely informed him in last argument exchange we had and he said: “ok so be it.” I will never respond back. I just wonder what is the risk.
In those circumstances the risk will be low.
Thank you. My intuition tells me same.
Thanks a lot HG. The timing of the article was perfect since I am struggling with these questions currently. You are the greatest… I was tempted to say IT is the greatest. 😉
I guess if he truly meant everything he said he meant, he’ll be back, and he’ll have disolved his marriage for good…thats the only way i can accept he truly isnt a narc and meant every word. After all this, its the only way i will accept any form of the golden period resemblance.
And if i outed him 3 times now after ‘what the hell just happened?’ moments, for each time he tried to start ‘us’ back up and was stringing the wife along, making up excuses for not doing the right thing and promising he’d leave and insisting i believe him, and now im suffering his rage and vengeance and retaliation in the work place? Will he be back? Will he finally be done and realize what he has been doing to two people is crap? They been together 40 yrs, in a messed up marriage.
Half wants to make him regret all he’s done, the other half wishes for the man i thought he was to just follow his heart. Is it possible a man can just have lesser, mid range narc tendencies in a situation and not truly be a narc?
People can of course have narcissistic tendencies and not be a narcissist.
So he might come back?
One can only say never on death, but you can do much indeed to reduce the risk.
Some narcissists on quora say that they are capacity of love since a requirement for being a narc according to the dsm iv does not include incapable of feeling love. Is this true? I also wonder if my ex maybe loves his ex deep down that’s why he went back
I assume you mean they state they are capable of love.
Those admitting to what they are as narcissists on Quora are likely to be people with narcissistic traits and not narcissists or the person is a greater who is stating that for the purposes of drawing reactions.
You may get narcissists (who you know to be one but they do not admit it) saying they feel love because we believe we can feel love, but we do not, it is not what you understand to be love, it is infatuation.
Your ex loves her fuel.
So the ex wife that he left and came back to.. does it mean he loved her? He invested 20 years of his life in her and keeps going back home.
Does that mean he has a soft spot for her? Maybe he cares more than he likes to admit?
Is that a possibility?
He loves her fuel. He has a need for her fuel. He has identified a valuable source of fuel, that is the only ‘spot’ it is.
Your posts are so painful to read… yet they are helping me leave him.
I ask a lot of questions because I need to get my head around 5 years of… lies, manipulation and control.
If you do not ask, you do not get to understand.
She’s sick. You’re not.
Hey HD , when my ex narc left me I cut all ties with family or friends of his that I got aquatinted with . It has been a year and a half and I think he’s trying to Hoover me , through his twin brothers ex ( my ex nephew’s mother) . She was one I have not spoken to in a year and a half now then all of a sudden messages me on fb messenger saying ” hi how are you “, at first I wasn’t sure to answer but I did , she was nice to me and honest with me about him after he discarded me . So I eventually responded asking about her son she right away sent me pics , but I kept it short , that was on a Friday then Monday she sends me her phone number asking me to call her when I have time …. my gut told me not to , we really don’t have anything else in common to talk about but him ( my ex narc) red flags went up so I never called … I had a gut feeling about it . It’s not like we ever met in person as she lived in a different state but visits often his family because she has a son with my exes identical twin .. can’t help but wonder , my gut was telling me she had something to say to me about him hence why I didn’t call , too tempting . What do you think HD?
You were right to rely on your gut instinct and also to cut the ties in the way that you did. It’s HG incidentally.
Sorry , must have been a typo HG . So this could have been a possible Hoover?