Exposure During Devaluation
That lightbulb moment has arrived. You know what you are dealing with. At last. You’ve known that what is happening or has happened to you is wrong. You didn’t know why it was happening and you certainly had no idea that you were ensnared by a narcissist but now you do know. You know what he or she is.
In keeping with your empathic traits of honesty, decency, goodness and wanting to seek the truth, amongst other characteristics, you feel that hard to resist pull of wanting to utilise your new found knowledge. You are not addressing the desire to tell us what we are, although that is also pressing, but instead it is that need to tell the world, everybody else,what we are.
I do not mean your close and trusted confidantes. They may well already have reservations about us (even if they do not know what we are) and will need little convincing. Exposing us to them has little impact anyway since we will have most likely regarded them as trouble makers and sought to discredit and isolate them from you already.
This exposure is in respect of telling our family, our friends, our work colleagues, our fellow team members, neighbours and anybody else you can think of.You want to expose us. You want everybody to know the label that describes us and you want everybody to know precisely what that means. You want to detail the cunning seduction, the sudden switch to devaluation, the mind games, the abuse, the push and the pull, the torture, the future faking, the despair, the insidious nature of it, the lies and the lies and the lies.
You want to create a flyer, a billboard, a film ripping that mask off and exposing everything that lies underneath. It is not enough to tell people that we are a narcissist, after all, most people will not understand what that really means. No, what you want to do is give the world the knowledge that we are a narcissist and this means x,y and z. The full horror. The gory detail. You want that spotlight that we crave so often to turn into a searing, burning flame of truthful exposure that causes us to shrink away from its illuminating beam causing us to scuttle away, a pariah, an outcast and a reject. Exiled by your exposure of what we truly are. What sweet revenge, what satisfaction to let everybody know just what we are so that nobody else in the locality falls for the deceit, the fraud and the seductive con-tricks ever again.
Do you do it?
Of course there are those of you, most likely those who have absorbed the knowledge provided to you and whose character leans this way in any event, who would rather focus on using your new found knowledge to get out and stay out and you are not concerned about achieving an exposure.
But what about for those of you who feel this pressing need to expose us to the wider world? What ought you to consider?
To understand what is likely to happen if you take this step, thus you become informed in your decision-making, there are two key questions.
When do you do it?
What type of our kind are you dealing with?
It is safe to say that no exposure really occurs during seduction. Firstly, next to nobody knows that they are being seduced by a narcissist. If you have an awareness following previous entanglements you invariably evade the overtures when they first manifest and get away from the relevant individual. There is no real compulsion to expose in such an instance. For the most part, the individual being seduced has no idea they are entangled with a narcissist and of course, the pleasure of the seduction would put to bed any such thoughts of exposure.
Exposure may be something that springs to mind during devaluation. It is still reasonably uncommon for someone to realise that they are in the grip of a narcissist during devaluation (enlightenment usually appears post discard or in subsequent entanglements following successful hoovers). However, let us take the instance whereby you know the treatment you are receiving is wrong and you have, somehow, been able to learn that what you are involved in is the narcissistic dynamic and this person who you love, but whose love for you has turned to malice, is indeed a narcissist.
It is noteworthy at this juncture that the prospects of exposure still remain slim because even though you may now know who you are dealing with, the emotional infection that has a hold on you, combined with your empathic traits actually fights against exposing that person. You are more likely to want to let them know what this person is in order to try to help them and make things alter. You may not have yet grasped that such a step is futile or even if you have been told this, your emotional impulses are too great and they override logic, so you remain and wish to heal and fix.
Accordingly, exposure during devaluation is uncommon owing to first the lack of knowledge and then even if knowledge is acquired, a failure to apply it owing to the emotional infection that prevails.
Let us assume however that you have gained this knowledge and you are resolute in your desire to expose us to the wider world. Should you proceed when you remain in the devaluation?
The Lesser. If you expose the Lesser Narcissist to third parties word will reach him. He does not know what he is. Your behaviour is seen as extreme treachery. It is a criticism of him, to other people, those who know him and consider him to be a decent person, reliable and likeable. You will face resistance from those you tell because of the facade. This resistance is not substantial however because there will have been instances of the mask slipping witnessed by others although they will not have attributed it to this person being a narcissist. Instead, it will be linked to fatigue, stress, drink or such like. There is also the potential that you have been smeared by us which damages your credibility. Thus, subject to the evidence you have, its quality and independence, you may not succeed in the exposure anyway.
What you will face however is the inevitable ignition of the Lesser’s fury which will manifest as heated fury. You can expect it to be savage and brutal as you are trying to tear down his carefully created world and leave him exposed in the wilderness. You are likely to be in danger of physical assault, property damage, verbal assaults and a raging fury of a response. Since you have done this during devaluation and thus you will be readily accessible, you will be placing yourself in considerable danger.
Accordingly, if you expose us during devaluation with a Lesser you are risking serious injury and harm. You may succeed in smashing the facade, because people may well link what you say with what they have witnessed previously when the mask slips, but it is not guaranteed.
The Mid-Ranger. Word will again reach the Mid-Ranger of what you are doing. You will face considerable resistance from the facade because the improved cognitive function of the Mid-Ranger, compared with the Lesser, his degree of charm and quiet and easy manner means that those who are subjected to your exposure attempt will struggle to reconcile what you are saying with what they have seen and therefore you will have minimal impact. Of course, the quality of your evidence will have some bearing on this, but it will not be straight forward. You also have the additional obstacle of potentially having been smeared, dependent on how close discard is.
In terms of the response from the Mid-Ranger, his fury will ignite as a consequence of the criticism he sees from your exposure attempt.He will not be able to control this fury. You will be challenged by the Mid-Ranger who will initially plead with you to stop and make use of pity plays, trying to convince you that you are wrong. Remember, he does not know what he is either and therefore will see you exposing his behaviour as plain incorrect and also disloyal. If the pity play does not work, you can expect to see heated fury from the Mid-Ranger. This is one of the few occasions when heated fury is seen with a Mid-Ranger as they tend to use cold fury more often. This is because not only are they facing the loss of their primary source, they are also facing damage to the facade and this pincer movement will push him to heated fury. You can expect verbal assaults, property damage and a calculated campaign of intimidation. Physical violence remains less likely and nowhere near as brutal as that doled out by the lesser.
If you persist, the Mid-Ranger is likely then to withdraw and impose a cold fury against you with silent treatment. Subject to your response, this may actually cause him to withdraw for some time as you are discarded as a consequence of what you have done. The risk of a hoover will also be reduced owing to the knowledge that you have acquired and the raising of the bar in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria being reached.
Thus with the Mid-Ranger if you expose him during devaluation you will face an unpleasant reaction and you will struggle to affect the facade to any great degree. You will however bring about a discard and a withdrawal which may well provide you with a head start concerning no contact, but you can expect that the reaction of third parties will be difficult to deal with. Many will see you as the villain of the piece, for hurting the Mid-Ranger, for “telling tales” and spoiling, which to the outside, appeared to be a good relationship.
The Greater. What then of the Greater? How will he react and what will happen if you decide to expose him or her during devaluation? The more extensive cognitive function of the Greater combined with his wider networks means that he or she will be aware of your treachery very quickly.
First of all you have little chance of all at affecting the facade. The powers of the Greater will be such that most people will be completely brainwashed to the virtues of the Greater and will not accept what they are being told about us. Furthermore, subject to the proximity of the discard, you will have been smeared and therefore your words will be treated with scepticism (you are portrayed as a habitual liar), patronising sympathy (you have been portrayed as The Fantasist), scorn (you have been painted as The Abuser) or disgust (you have been labelled as The Ungrateful One). Also, since your treacherous exposure will be learned of quicker than in the instances above, the propaganda machine of the Greater will have been wheeled out in order to extinguish your ill-founded gossip and ramblings.
The combination of brainwashing, prompt propaganda response and smearing makes it extremely hard for you to impact on the facade of a greater. Your evidence will have to be extremely convincing and to have been delivered without a smear in place.
Secondly, the Greater will launch a charm offensive with you. You will experience a Respite Hoover and a reinstatement of the golden period. His or her ability to charm, explain, smooth over and assuage your concerns will actually cause your resolve to waver. They will appear so convincing that you will be persuaded to think that you have wrongly labelled them as a narcissist. The Greater knows what he is, but he will not admit it, but he will play to your sense of wanting to seek the truth, to understand to heal by sitting down with you and listening to your concerns. He knows that rather than have you tell the wider world what he is, it is far better to keep it between you and him. That way he causes you to shift your focus so the facade is left well alone. He may even admit he has some issues or problems and asks for your help to address them. Of course this is lip service. The Greater knows that he is better served by not reinforcing the image of being a narcissist through abuse, but better off charming you again and casting your conclusion into considerable doubt. This technique, combined with the return of the addictive golden period and the inherent empathic traits means that you are more than likely to halt your exposure.
The Greater is now fore-warned as to your knowledge. He will maintain a period of respite but will be plotting to smear you into oblivion and then discard you, so that when you try to revisit the exposure post discard you will be doomed to failure in terms of affecting the facade.
Thus, these are the likely scenarios when seeking to expose us to the wider world during devaluation. The follow-up part of this article will explain what will happen if the exposure takes place post-escape or post discard.
38 thoughts on “Exposure During Devaluation”
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Hi Mr T. What if you were not the one who successfully exposed the midranger but he chooses to believe that it was you, is the reaction still the same as in the article?
Also what you you mean when you say that he will be gone for some time… does it mean months or years?
Yes. Months rather than years.
Ok so if you have raised the hoover bar in exposing the midranger, can you lower it again?
Yes.
How? By creating a hoover trigger at the appropriate time, apologising and praise?
es.
He discarded me 2 hours after asking me about my day and telling me he loved me. That was three weeks ago. Because I was having a rough day at work, and couldn’t be more positive and upbeat, his words were “I’m sick of fighting.” However, we weren’t fighting. He brought my truck back (his car blew up and he used my truck for a couple of weeks) and didn’t even say anything when he saw me in the driveway– he just stormed off in his friend’s truck. Then he ignored me. I became desperate as we broke up many times before, but always had the make up soon after. I repeatedly texted and called and he ignored. It hurt so badly. After all of the intense things I forgave him for, he couldn’t look past that small moment of me having a tough day at work. So I kept trying to not text, but failed every day for weeks. Sending him messages on Instagram (he blocked me), and sayings via Facebook message (I unfriended him in response to his Instagram). I’d see he read it, but no response.
So last Sunday morning I called him after work. We talked for 45 minutes, and it was almost like old times. I felt like he couldn’t wait to tell me everything that’s been going on in his life. So at the end of the conversation we ended up saying we can be friends. Well I heard nothing back all day and the next afternoon I asked him what the conversation meant to him. He said “that we don’t have to hate each other”, which surprised me because I never did anything to make him hate me. But then after that, he never initiated contact. I did once the next day, and no response.
So because I was hurt and discarded (again), I broke my no contact (only 2 days) yesterday and told him I would expose all of his secrets if he slandered me. I also went off about being discarded once he had nothing more to get from me– borrowing my spare car, a babysitter for his daughter, help with his move to the new apartment, and more. I texted about 4 long paragraphs, and blocked him. It’s been almost 2 days of no contact. It hurts. I can’t stop the feeling in the pit of my stomach. But what will he do? I was trying to get the upper hand, but what do you think his next move will be? Hopefully he’s so entranced by his next fuel source that he’ll do nothing? That hurts to think about by the way…Even after everything.
I will comment on part 2 to this article.
The desire was not to tell the world, it was to tell *her* that I know what she is. But I’ve resisted the temptation. I know she knows she’s “different” and I know she (ridiculously) sees herself as a people pleaser codependent victim of life, but were I to suggest that she herself is the predator? Well I don’t want to be there when that fury is unleashed. I’m schooled enough now to know that I’ll never get a confession and she’ll go all in to destroy me since her entire false-self construct is at stake. Now that I’m (mostly) emotionally disconnected, I just wish she would talk to me about who she really is in the calm, cool, introspective manner that HG communicates. And then I could talk about why and how it is that I was so drawn to her in the first place (due to my family background). *sigh* ..There I go again being a typical empath, fantasizing about emotional intimacy with a person who’s simply incapable of it. I don’t think we will ever learn. Always wanting the impossible.
HG Tudor: Isn’t it so that a super-empath might take both roles (empath/narc)?
Could it be that the woman High Octane Fuel tell us about could be a Super-empath?
As a codependent people pleaser I find the description of a super-empath to be very accurate about my reactions towards the narc…
I would like to talk with the narc about what triggers me and why I’m hooked, but it is very rare that he initiate any talking and it would only be to please me to receive my positive fuel or to avoid my rage and continue to keep me on a leash.
He says he fears my rage because I loose it. So I text him (he never reply to those).
And then I discard him. I exposed him to his 1.source in pure cold rage. Didn’t result in more than him giving me cold fury back for some months and now we’re back on track.
Its a pattern: he pleases me I please him, he disconnect I discard him> cold fury and then back to the pleasing part. I’m trapped!
It’s not like a bully, you stand up to a bully and punch him the face. A bully usually will pick on someone else instead. Not so much with a narc
If narcs got punched I think they would stop.
They are experts at evading consequences, so they leave their trail of destruction and just look back with satisfaction.
Getting punched is fuel Brian and also provides the basis for pity plays and taking action against the perpetrator. So it plays into our hands.
As an adult, yes.
Would it still be fuel if you were punched in school and no one gave any pity? and there were no negative consequences for the person who punched you?
The act of aggression is fuel, albeit as a child it would not be regarded as such and therefore the pain of being punched and then the subsequent rejection would be most unwelcome.
Oh that’s quite amazing how it changes from something bad to something desirable. Thanks.
its always ok to punch narcs even when theyr female
It’s like saying to the school bully
“I know you are a bully!”
It’s not like they are going to go to the front of the class and say “it’s a fair cop, hey everyone! Brian says I’m a bully so I’m not going to bully anyone any more ok?”
I had no energy left to expose or confront them telling them what they are and how they function, and once I started catching my breath no desire to do it either. My inner circle knows, my family knows, some friends get it and others do not. That’s ok. I’m not giving him/them any more of my fuel or energy, not positive or negative. The anger and rage and sadness burned me out, the unwillingness to forgive sucked all the energy out of me, so i’m putting myself back together knowing he/they will never be happy, his/their time will come and success will be my biggest revenge. It really is his/their loss, not mine in the end. I was set free!
Plus two wrongs don’t make a right…
Am curious, HG. If you were at a Pub and was interested in a lady who (unbeknownst to you is aware of your kind due to previous experience & then online research) and she backed away as soon as you began charming/mirroring her. Then looked at you haughtily and said “I know exactly what you are, and I am not interested, Sir.”
– Would you just laugh & walk away from her? Or would you consider her even more of a juicier prey to conquer? What would you do?
~ Hope
If it were me, I would see it as a challenge so long as fuel levels were reasonable.
If I had an immediate need for fuel, I would look elsewhere.
Hi HG-
This came at a great time for me. Before my questions…just a bit of background:
Next week I will face my narc in court for the first time since our temporary order hearing last July. I have been no contact with him since June. I have my suspicions he and his sister are plotting to come up with a grand scheme to convince the judge to allow him to keep 100% of our assets and leave me with nothing (he sent me an email stating such, trying to trigger me and get some needed fuel). We live in a 50/50 community property state so the likelihood of that happening is slim. However, his sister has experience with the legal system, and his new primary source is a legal aid (surprise, surprise), so I know they will pull out all the stops to at least tip the scales so he walks away with more than 50%.
I have a terrible attorney but it’s too late to switch. So, I have to come up with my own plan (attorneys don’t understand the narcissistic games anyway nor are they willing to accept it if they don’t have a medical diagnosis). I have years of journaling the abuse. I mean… 20+ years of it. I am putting a binder together to take it all in to court if I end up needing it. I only plan on using it if it becomes necessary (as you know…empaths have a difficult time smearing others…even their abuser). If necessary, I want to use this information as a basis to ask for permission to read a letter to my narc in the court room.
The letter will piece together my experiences essentially exposing him in front of the attorneys and the court commissioner. I would only do this to secure my 50%. I’m not looking for any more than that. I suspect my narc to be a mid-ranger.
What do you think I should expect from him in this situation? He used physical intimidation/abuse in the first 4 years of our marriage but it has been all psychological warfare and cold fury for the remainder. However, he can easily be provoked into verbal rages.
Do you think this will work for me or against me?
I really appreciate your input. Your writings were what helped me finally escape the abuse. It has also helped the other women he carried on with during our marriage. They now see “the writing on the wall.”
I am tired of feeling helpless, hopeless and manipulated. I want the truth, and I want justice. I want to fight back and win. What am I if I just let him get away with this, why do I have to be the one to feel all this pain, and now work my ass off, mentally so this doesn’t happen to me again. I’m sick of being weak, sick of giving in, sick of mean people that turn shit around. I have been turned into something that I am not! I am not a fn appliance, to be traded in for better. I need to expose, or I don’t think I will get through this, this time.
You are not helpless! You are strong and free which is priceless. Please don’t waste anymore of your precious life trying to get justice etc… from a narcissist. It’s impossible, they don’t care and you end up looking crazy psychotic trying to prove it all. We have to remember, narcissist don’t EVER think, behave, or feel as we do. We can’t make them something they are not. They have don’t have any empathy, or remorse for what they do or the extent they hurt people. In fact they enjoy it, and remember they are methodical and intentional in all they do. You can’t change a narcissist and you should never try to play or think you can beat them at their game. They’re professionals and it’s not a game to them; it’s their way of life.
Part of me agrees with you, but part of me wants his creature pulled out of him so I can destroy it. My worst enemy is myself, I know that. I make it easy for him, and I’m lost. How can I be the person I was when that person has let this being take over where the last being left off and used everything he could to destroy me. Now I feel the only way to survive is to be just like him. Which keeps me in his world by not letting anyone in to love me.
So true! No feelings, no empathy.
Be careful not to destroy yourself trying to destroy him. And I swear he will destroy himself. Everything you feel is normal after what you’ve been through, but I swear regardless of how awful the narcissist is you can NEVER get enough revenge and it will only keep you entangled in their Web and provide them narcissistic supply, they enjoy our pathetic attempts. Research & gain all the knowledge from everywhere on narcissism, it’ll help you through these moments.
Please read everything HG writes, he tells it EXACTLY how it is for them. Don’t doubt his words. As much as I hate to give any Narcissist credit, HG is uncanny in his ability to express in words the mind of a narcissist.
Even death is too good for the narcissist.
Thank you Brandi
I know you are right, I am just having a hard time accepting my circumstances right now. 3 nights ago I prayed to God to give me a sign. I haven’t prayed in 20 years. The next morning I received an email which led me to HG’s post, 5 reasons we discard you. I had been thinking I was with a narc for sometime now. I asked for a sign, for the truth. The picture for his post was a cowboy with a rope riding into the sunset. My ex is a cowboy who competes in team roping. The date HG posted the blog was our 8th year anniversary. Aug 14th. After reading it I broke down, again. I now have the truth, but I still can’t let go.
This is the most timely and valuable ( to me) article so far. It is indeed a strange paradox that a Narcissist could, and would offer such protective information to someone such as myself. I wish that I could have known of this, when I was a small child. How different my life would have turned out, If I could have seen thru all of the gas- lighting that I have encountered, from my parents, and beyond. Thanks – is in order.
You are welcome.
Cant wait to read the next article. I didn’t try during devaluation, since I didn’t know. But when I told other people about the abuse, I was abused more!
I wont try to expose. He will either do it on his own eventually, or I will be healed enough to not care about his life ( I hope).
My narc was never regarded as a good person by anybody around. He has serious issue with impulse control and bad temper, people at work were afraid of him – had bad reputation to the level that organization tried to get rid of him but he left before he was let go. I made sure that people from work knew that he was manipulative and twisted after he exposed me to his machinations to punish me (I decline to follow him to the new job and that started the devaluation phase). Everyone who knew him, believed me as my reputation was great and his was just very poor. When I was gently spreading the word what he turned out to be, I did not say what he did exactly just made broad statement how manipulative and ungrateful he was in exchange to what I did for him in the past. Nobody was surprised. They were surprised I offered my friendship to somebody like him. That did not make any sense from the beginning to the observers around us as we were completely different in our approaches to people. I am the friendly and respectful and he was the one who did not care what impact he makes by saying and doing different things.
HG, I sometimes think he maybe just a sociopath with narcissistic trades. I am not a psychologist. I struggle with fully understanding what he is/was. I wonder how many of your readers are actually wrong in judging what their significant others suffer from and there is always a risk we may simply deal with other disorders than NPD within cluster B. I know one thing. Your blog helps to fight the abusers. Magic of NC can be applied and works in all cases of abuse. My narc will always remain a mystery to me. Still don’t know if he is a lesser, victim or mid-ranger or just sociopath.
Go ahead. Expose me as a narcissist. No one will believe you.
I have no desire or even the energy to go and darken his name. I am ashamed of my foolish self for being so naive for a woman in her mid 40’s. I’m not someone who seeks revenge or causes problems and he knows this. I will just slip away quietly and focus on my healing and my children. There is a saying that applies here. – “The more you touch shit, the more it stinks.”
He can keep his SHIT!
I warned only those that needed to know. My close friends and employers (he was very violent and a sociopath as well) and didn’t bother with any mutual friends they are all flying monkeys of his anyway. I still toy with taking revenge on him but I prefer he sit and wonder when and if I will. PLOT TWIST. 😀 The beauty of it is he knows I could embarrass him pretty badly if I really wanted to which I think is what keeps his hoovering attempts to a minimum and his crazy acting has stopped. Pretty certain he is on to his new supply or at least working on her. I have friends in the cyber world that would happily post all his crazy texts to his FB page for me if I so wished. It just isn’t worth the war to follow. Just knowing he knows is enough. 🙂
I am currently dealing with a small Texas town sheriffs department in order to have the narcissist arrested for several assaults on me. I have a signed confession by the narcissist which was given to me in an effort at hoovering. The police are dragging their feet and do not want to arrest him. I assume it is because he has charmed them and probably has some connections within the department. How should I approach this? How should I speak to them. What should I say?