The House of Discards
The discard. The end of the road, or so you might think. I have mentioned previously that I am of the view that the cessation of our current involvement with you would be better regarded as a dis-engagement because it is temporary in nature. When we bring the current relationship to a halt and there are many ways we achieve this, we will, at some point, return ready to hoover and therefore the discard is really a temporary act unless there is some intervening act. Nevertheless, I will continue to use discard because it is common parlance in the narcissistic debate and it is faster to type than dis-engage. The act of discarding you can occur in many ways but they belong to one of the five houses of discarding. Whilst we are creatures of economy and conservation of our energy and thus exhibit repeated and patterned behaviours, we are not so intransigent as to adopt differing methods of discard should the occasion merit it. Those differences may manifest from victim to victim or you may find yourself on the receiving end of several variants of discards from our kind. Whatever they may be, you will find the method used will belong to one of these five houses.
- The Vanishing Act
Probably the most popular form of discard. As far as you were concerned we were both in a relationship. Admittedly, matters had been difficult if not downright awful for some time, punctuated with periods of respite, but now we have just vanished. You cannot get in contact with us. You have rung our number and if it has not been changed or you have been blocked, it has just rung and rung. You have left repeated voicemails asking where we are, each more fraught that the one before it. Your texts have filled up our inboxes. Enquiries of friends have proven fruitless. Your calls have always been held up by the switchboard or a secretary at work and you have seen neither hide nor hair of us. The days accumulate and there is just a void. This discard is a massive silent treatment. It will take you some time before you realise that you have been discarded and often this comes by way of inference and implication. You are not told to your face or in a message that it has ended. Instead you learnt that we have been seen with someone else in a romantic clinch in a bar or walking down the road. You keep trying to obtain answers but they are not forthcoming. It is bewildering upsetting and hurtful. It is all by design.
You may interpret this form of discard as appearing cowardly on our part, that we could not even face telling you that it was over. It is nothing to do with cowardice. This method of discard happens for the following reasons: –
- We are utterly infatuated with the new primary source which we have ensnared so she is all that matters and you are reduced to an afterthought purely for sucking the last few drops of fuel from, before we delete you;
- We draw one last burst of fuel from your frenetic attempts to contact us. We may see your messages, we may listen to your voicemails and we may even watch you desperately knocking at our door as we peek through the blinds. This all provides us with fuel. Even if we do not witness your attempts to contact us, we still draw fuel from knowing how you will have reacted to this callous act. Once we have drawn this fuel we then forget about you (until it is time to hoover) which makes the silent treatment that this form of discard is, easier to elongate;
- The manner in which it is utilised is designed to annoy and upset. You are made to feel worthless. You did not even merit an explanation. We see no reason to provide one to you. You are worthless in our eyes;
- It reinforces our idea of omnipotence. You are a chess piece which is picked up and moved round the board and we decide when and where you move.
- The Savage Strike
This is where you are told that it is at an end. There can be no doubt in your mind with this particular discard, compared to the Vanishing Act. You are told in no uncertain terms that it is over and you are told precisely why we have decided that it is over.
“I am sick of the sight of you. You are pathetic and I realised I cannot be with someone like you.”
“You are selfish. I do so much for you, yet you never think about me.”
“You think more of the children than you do of me.”
“You have put weight on. I am repulsed by you actually.”
“You don’t make any effort anymore. You dress down, never do anything and I hate it when a bitch lets herself slide.”
“You are a parasite and I cannot stand you taking from me any longer.”
These are but a selection of the horrible and harsh words that will be thrown in your direction. You will be the one to blame for the demise of the relationship. We have been forced to take this action and now we hate you for it. We will insult you, label you and lash out with a verbal tirade. Very little of this will be based on a foundation of truth, but this will not stop us. This approach is adopted for the following reasons: –
- To obtain fuel from you by making you upset and angry, hurt and fearful.
- To identify things which are wrong with you so that you obsess about them. This undermines your confidence and means you will struggle (along with everything else) to move forward which makes hoovering you easier.
- If you make changes based on our insults, then when we hoover, we will see this as underlining our power because you have acted on what we have said.
- There may even be some early triangulation by us comparing you to the new primary source if we decide to twist the knife and tell you that we are leaving you for someone else.
- The Wedge
This discard is so-called because it is designed to keep the door well and truly open for our return and an easy hoover at some future juncture. It lacks the viciousness of the Savage Strike but also applies doubt in the same way as the Vanishing Act but you will at least know why (or at least you will be given some suggestion as to why it is at an end). Expect to hear comments such as: –
“I need some space.”
“I have a lot on and I need time to deal with those other things.”
“I am not sure what I want at the moment.”
“I need time apart to figure a few things out.”
We will not point to anything specific but instead we will rely on amorphous and vague observations all revolving around needing time and space. The ideas behind this form of discard are as follows: –
- It makes us seem like some kind of deep troubled soul which is both intriguing (so it keeps your interest) and draws sympathy (fuel);
- It keeps you hanging on because we make it sound temporary in nature. We just need time to work things out (chase down the new primary source) and therefore you are given the hope that we will come back;
- It creates doubt and confusion so you will not move forward but instead you will hang around waiting for our return;
- You will keep trying to “check in” with us during this discard period which will give us further fuel and allow us to triangulate you (“she is just a friend who is helping me gain perspective”).
- The Golden Wedge
As above but you actually receive a host of back-handed compliments as part of the leaving speech.
“You have been nothing but good for me, but sometimes it is too much so I need a break.”
“You have done more than most, but even that has not been enough and I just nee some time to figure things out.”
“You are wonderful, wonderful in so many ways. I love you, but I am not in love with you, so I need to be apart until I get that feeling back.”
“Nobody is as special as you are but even then it is too much for someone like me and I need to stand back and decide what I need before moving forward. I know you will understand, you always do.”
Akin to the Wedge this is designed to: –
- Have you think we are still wonderful because we have been so complimentary about you even though we are ending the relationship. Fuel will be forthcoming;
- Sow doubt. If you are so good, why are we ending it? Vague and amorphous answers once again follow to keep you hanging on;
- The terms of departure are as amicable as possible meaning that the eventual hoover is very easy;
- You retain hope and keep “checking in” during the period of discard. We gain fuel.
- Our façade is maintained
6 The False Discard
This is not intended to be a discard although if that does actually happen (although it is rare) we will still manipulate the situation so that it turns out to be a win for us. We will appear earnest and upset as we trot out such comments as: –
“This isn’t working is it? I can see I am hurting you. Perhaps you should end it?”
“Just let me go, please.”
“I am not good enough for you. Please, do the right thing and end it.”
“We’ve taken this as far as we can. It has been wonderful but I think you should draw a line under it, don’t you?”
“Please, just put me out of my misery. I cannot do this to you anymore.”
The intention is to cause you to be alarmed at the suggestion that this should end and therefore you will pour fuel our way with your upset and concern. It allows us to assert more control as we extort from you, your additional submission and obedience as conditions for us staying. Accordingly, we make you upset and anxious before agreeing to continue. We have gained fuel, gained new concessions from you, gained further fuel from your relief but also sowed seeds of doubt which will keep you on your toes going forward.
If in the rare event that you do what we want, we still win. We will have a new primary source waiting as a contingency and then we can tell all and sundry that you ended the relationship. This means we can seek sympathy from other sources, cast you as the villain (assisting our smear campaign) and engaging with the new primary source in the knowledge that you ended it so we are free to choose who we want to be with (conveniently forgetting that we of course had them already lined up and we pressed your finger on the trigger which killed the relationship).
37 thoughts on “The House of Discards”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
What does it mean if you have been told that it is over but you are not blocked from social media?
It means that is part of the manipulation to draw further fuel from you because you react to this cessation of the Formal Relationship whilst you are still allowed to see what we are doing as we anticipate you cannot help yourself but keep looking on social media and/or communicating through it.
Thanks. When are you doing email consultations again?
They are in hand. I am working through the queue arising from last week’s hiatus.
Ok. So why would he still need my fuel if he has someone else
Well he may not need it if he is being well-fuelled from other sources. Or if you are a plentiful provider and easy to extract from, why not take it as well.
Dear HG, I am trying to figure out whether I was put on the shelf or discarded. I was IPSS or more likely DS. Last time we communicated (after some time had passed and after i texted him and he promptly responded) was him saying it was nice catching up with me and that he would try not to be so distant in the future. That was 3 months ago. He has not reached out since and neither have I. His divorce with his now ex wife became final right before we last spoke and I suspect he has been with the new primary source for many months now. What do you think? Did he put me on the shelf or was I discarded? Thank you very much!
I don’t think you were discarded… how are things now?
Hello. I have a question because i’m not sure what to expect in the future. I think i’ve been discarded, but it doesn’t fit in any category that you’ve listed. So, we’ve been a long time apart (no cheating i guess, because he works in a sea and hasn’t been off the ship during that time), during that time his behaviour changed from “you’re the love of my life” to “get a boyfriend if youre getting that crazy and get off me”, getting angry quickly and weeks without contacting me/reappearing like nothing happend. When we met, he was so nice to me and told me how much he trusts me, how he appreciates me, that i understand everything not like other girls. I said that i thought we wont talk anymore because of his actions during time apart. He looked schocked, asked me why the hell i ever thought of that, he never said he doesn’t want me in his life, “i thought we are couple, arent we?”, he always wanted me to look in his eyes and said he never gonna leave me for so long and i have to trust him, he won’t ever hurt me. He contacted only two days after and cancelled our plans for NY eve. I got so angry. He made excuses, told me that I don’t love him (wtf?) and refused to talk with me. I texted him a few days later, he was polite but refused to meet me because of being “not in the mood”. I texted again in a couple of days, asked to meet him. He said okay, but after few hours made excuses that he doesn’t have time and asked what happened so important. I told him i want to spend some time. He said that he doesn’t understand our relationship, the problem is that he can’t recognize my emotions, that he doesn’t understand me at all, he NEVER gets me, when we met i was dishonest and it didint feel real to him. I told him how bad i feel about this and he wanted to meet me next day. Surprise surprise, he cancelled last minute and made excuses again. I called him, he told me he will call me later and didint do it. I texted will he recall or what. And only next day evening, even though he was connected all the time, he texted me “?”. what the hell has happend?I didin’t reply to it… It’s been 3 weeks, he didint blocked or unfriended me or my friends, also didn’t contact me. And he’s adding on facebook a lot of new girls, all of them look similar and not anything his type. Please comment on my situation, if you do understand what’s happening…
HG, anyone of these discards still allows for a hoover if all criteria is met correct? I have experienced most of these. The last I am pretty sure was a Savage Strike as he told me to move on because he has. Interestingly enough he drove 1.5 hours to see me. However, I wasn’t home. That was the last time I had contact with him over a month ago.I did recently find out my replacement as primary lives about 20 minutes from me. I am sure that is where he went that night;)
So if you “discard ” someone, does it mean that you are not interested in their fuel?
It means that one of the five reasons to discard has occurred.
Thanks again for your prompt reply. Actually since reading your books/articles and understanding who and what I have been dealing with for all these years, it is the first time that I have not contacted him in any fashion to try and understand or fix it; as in the past. Other books written by “good doctors/psychologist” never answered my questions nor did they explain in detail what really goes on inside a Narcissist mind. I will recommend your books to anyone who ask. I am very grateful.
Thank you Victoria.
H.G.
In your previous post to me you stated: ” he wants to enjoy the golden period without interfering and messing it up (remember the paranoia that exists).” Could you please explain “the paranoia that exist”? I have not read about that yet. Thank you.
We have an inherent paranoia based on how cruel this world is. Accordingly, we are wary that the new golden period may well be affected adversely by some treacherous individual, namely the recently discarded former primary source.
Thank You that makes sense-However, if I were to tell her anything right now she would never believe me just like I would never have believed my predecessor. Of course, I can see that he could not risk even that. My thanks
H.G. Thank you for this article. I have had all 6 types of discards over the last 10+ years with my Grand Elite Narcissist. The last one, December 29th 2016, however, was the oddest and I don’t know which house it fall under if any. Help! He first texted me very politely stating that he had not been truthful about his private life and that he was seeing others and that i needed to find someone better than him b/c he was not good enough for me. He didn’t want to continue hurting me anymore or himself, this he stated came after much thought and over many weeks of thinking about my happiness. To me, this seemed so untrue, so fake. Later I called and stated that I wanted to speak. When we spoke I asked him who he was seeing, at first he did not want to tell me. After much insisting on my part, he told he the woman’s name, Someone he met 3 years ago, I know who she is, and someone he has maintained that he has not heard from over the last 2 years. On New years eve, he sends me another text thanking me for all that I had done for him and his family and that indeed he did value me although he might not have expressed it in the past. He wished me well and much happiness and signed “Sincerely”. This blew me away, the niceties and the finality of it all. I send him an angry text stating that his supposed honesty came too late. That I believed he would always be a liar and to never contact me under any circumstances. I said a bit more but that was the jest of it. So, could you please explain this last discard H.G. I am the type of Super Empath that needs to know the truth, unvarnished. Thank you for all your wonderful books, I have read: Sex and the Narcissist, Danger: 50 things. . ., Decipher (one of my favorites-it answered many of my questions) I am now reading ask the narcissist and Fury. You are an excellent writer and very easy to understand your analogies and explanations. Thank you so much!!!
Hello Victoria, thank you for your kind words and for reading the books. This was a golden wedge. You might consider the revelation that he was seeing someone else and the lies associated with it as a form of savage strike, but they are not. He did not reveal this expressly to hurt (although he would never turn down your hurt reaction) but instead as part of being honest with you, which is in accordance with all the thanking he did and lauding you for what you have done.
Thank you again H.G. So, am I to expect a hoover in the future once the fuel diminishes with his primary partner. I want to be ready. I just finished your book Fuel, read it in one day-your analysis of a “typical day” was awesome. I am finally able to understand “the monster within”. I will be scheduling a private phone consultation in the coming weeks. I want to read a few more books before that. With this blog and your books you are helping so many empaths like me become free of our Narcs. I am very grateful!
Hello Victoria, yes that is correct. When the positive fuel loses its allure and devaluation occurs then the hoovers will commence (subject to the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria). I look forward to discussing matters with you in due course.
H. G. after reading 3 of your books, presently reading confessions of the Narcissist, why would this man be honest or kind? Could it be that maybe he was so desperate to have some alone time with this new primary and he thought by being nice I would leave the door open. Deep down inside I felt it was benefiting him, not me. Also in one of his text he stated he needed 120 days of no contact. After reading your books it is obvious to me exactly what that means. What is your expert opinion H.G.?
Hello Victoria,
Thank you for reading the books.
He does this because when he has a new primary source he wants to enjoy the golden period without interfering and messing it up (remember the paranoia that exists).
By being pleasant (at first) he gains a little fuel from you, hopefully your compliance so he can get on with his golden period unfazed and provides a wedge with you to go after you later via a hoover.
Good day H.G. as usually you write articles that open mind.
My narc always used with me 2 ways of discard: the Golden Wedge and the False Discard. So he maintein open the door for next hoovers that he made with success. The last hoover, as i told you, happened in this Christmas time with many calls, promises, beautiful words like “my true love” and a date before the night of 31 december. After this date he sent me few cold messages (just to maintein the link with me) and 3 days ago he told me that for him it was only sex with me and that I make in my mind a movie that don’t exist. I answer him that i was very angry after 2 years to hear that and we stop our contact. This is the first time that he used this kind of discard. Maybe this is the first time that he was honest with me, don’t you think? I think also that he find another new prey …so he can discard the old one.
Thank you Noah80, his comment wasn’t driven by honesty but rather a desire to provoke a reaction from you.
He did it… of course… and he know it…
H.G. I have all 6 types of discards after 10 years with my mid-range narcissist. The last one, one month ago, was by far the strangest to me. The previous one, “the Golden Wedge” we continued to see each other every weekend, but I was cautious and not as affectionate, as is my nature. Two months before the final discard, I felt he was seeing someone else, this comes with being a super empathy like me. He wrote me a text telling me how wonderful I was and that he had not been truthful to me in about his private life; that he has been seeing someone else and he did not want me to hate him but I deserved better. He thanked me for all I had done for him and his family and wished me all the happiness in the world. I wrote back that I wanted to speak with him because I wanted the truth. He accommodated me and told me who it was, someone he had met 3 years ago, which I believed him when he said she had been only a friend and he knew nothing about her. I am not sure I would get a hoover from him but would like the opportunity for one so that I can have the satisfaction, after reading 3 of your books, now reading Revenge on the Narcissist, to be able to do as you suggested. I feel like such a fool and truly believed this man and his lies, until the last time, I had begun to read other books and was far wiser and more cautious. The irony though is that I don’t think he will ever believe I will stop loving him, although I have some time ago, and he ego would have to find out. What do you think?
I think at some point, they have to get bored and quit. And, I really do chalk all this up to boredom. I still get the weekly drive by hoover (although I live 20 miles away) and every couple of weeks a text. He’s said on one occasion he will
Never get attached to me again and he’s so over this. My thought was “ok, good”. I understand the mal-aligned Hoover. But, really, how does he Hoover a lifetime of women? And how soon can I expect my hoovers to be done? There’s no reason for him to continue to hang out/on.
We don’t repeatedly hoover everyone we have ever entangled with. Some people are hoovered then not for some considerable time and then perhaps hoovered again. It all depends on the current position with the primary source, whether you keep approaching us, whether there is a Hoover Trigger and whether the Hoover Execution Criteria is met.
It was pretty much wedge after wedge. He was married, though – so wedges are par for the course. “I just need 10 weeks.” “I just need to recover from my surgery.” And my favourite “I just need time to see if my marriage can work out. Let’s meet back here in two months and if we still love each other, we can be back together.” (Incidentally I let him go and he hoovered twice with no reaction from me so the wedge nearly lasted 6 weeks before he was told he needed that surgery his blackened heart was calling out for and thus the Hoover that got me). “You’re the first one I told!” Such a shame I won’t see him again so I can look right through him as if he doesn’t exist.
He’s recommitted twice, by the way. Of course he has, what – you don’t believe me?!?!
I ask because if you sense it was all on purpose, these were for me, especially the one of his voice and the belt, then soooooo much more makes sense. I still have him blocked. Yes, I know, looking at his account online is breaking NC and keeps him alive in my head but it makes me wonder but it also explains even more. I had a gut reaction to both of them, so … he must know me enough, he knows I look at his accounts on the web, I have told him, so could both postings and failing to use his professional account all be conscious and deliberate?
Also, sorry for the mistakes and typos… wish I could edit them but I clicked “go” before I proofed.
Can I ask your opinion? this might be the best place. I will try to keep it simple. So the N and I had our “final” fight in November. I exposed him to one of his supply sources… not someone who would ever get sexually involved with him, but clearly someone who is flattered by him and vice versa. I exposed in some ways who he was by going to her and asking her to remove his ugly posts to me that he won’t delete. they are relatively hidden on an account he hasn’t posted to in a year. So.. here is the question:
– the last things I said, was really wanting to hear his voice. I asked him to record a story for me, tell me something, anything. He said he was busy, blah, blah, sent me proof and used my ‘need’ to devalue me and do a major power trip. It triggered a fight, and me being good negative fuel, bought it all. He blocked most everywhere. But he knows I can see one account online. He is far away.
– One of my last comments to him was his BS “I want to beat you with a belt”. It shocked me, confused me… now I see, and understand why he did it from reading your posts.
– This was late November. Holidays come, he does something that he could have posted a video of to that account. It was ‘business’ related. He does not. He posts it to another more active account. That business account hasn’t been posted to in nearly a year. So this video would have been good ‘posting’ for promotion. But it’s an inactive account so it would have floated to the top of thousands of people’s accounts. Maybe someone would have gone down into the account and read his posts to me and my scathing response he has not deleted.
So…. Since that time, he has posted to his personal account a few of the videos that he could post to the professional page, a post where he recorded himself saying something (he is a huge overt Narc but he rarely to never posts any videos of him talking), and a post showing a very old belt of his that wore out and is going to a museum. He made a comment about how the belt performed “services” for 17 years.
It just struck me… is it possible he didn’t post the professional videos to his professional page because he actually doesn’t want it to raise up in the feed because of my post there? I never tagged it, but I have a feeling he knows it’s there and to ever delete it, would be to admit he was watching it…. He then posted the video, the day after new years from the beach, talking. He looked really wasted. but he is right there, doing a little skit. Then some random video of some concert posted after 2 weeks. And then, the belt post.
Is it this just pure coincidence? Am I making this up that he had a great promotional video to put on his professional page and he did not. He posted a video since our fight of him talking, and, a video of a belt.
It seems too random, but you had a post about how incredibly deliberate it all is for your ‘kind’.
Both accounts are in IG and I can view them on the web, even if I am blocked so no big deal that he blocked me on his personal one. He never did block me on his ‘professional’ one. He said, “You are crazier than I thought, posting to me on my professional page” but yet he never blocked me.. so it’s still wide open. He only blocked me on his so called ‘personal account’.
What do you think? Manipulation from far? Or am I reading too much in to it?
Did anyone saw the inauguration today
Ah! The False Discard. Mine told me flat out he would never leave I would have to throw him out. He pushed me on several occasions to just throw him out and end his misery. One time previously I did actually tell him to leave but he came back an hour later begging his way back in. This time he just kept pushing my buttons until I would explode in rage on an every other day basis for about a week. Finally he made some ridiculous accusation that sent me into the rage abyss and I obliged him. By that time I already knew what he was or suspected strongly. I couldn’t do much research because he went through all my communication devices and browser history, google activity etc. until he was gone. His current excuse to try and harass me is he wants my dog.He of course never took care of or paid for anything for the dog but now he just loves the dog and can’t live without him. I told him “I’m sorry you feel that way. The dog is happy and healthy and loved” It sent him off on a tirade of threats to which I never replied. It is Friday night, though so I assume I will get a drunken hoover about 4am. 😀
House of Discards could be a reality show based on my life
I like this idea because in House Of Cards, the Underwoods are definitely Narcs.