Here He Comes Again
The hoover. A tried and trusted method of gaining fuel and exerting control over a victim once again. Whether they are benign or malign the hoover is an integral part of our repertoire. They are often part of a concerted action which is designed to break down your defences and suck you back in so we are able to exert control over you once again. Sometimes it is to con you into resuming the relationship again, sometimes it is purely to hurt you further and draw negative fuel. We may devise a particular scenario, use other people to effect the hoover by proxy and plan an effective way of establishing contact and then unleashing the hoover. For the hoover to be effective it must have two constituent parts: –
- A method of contact;
- A method of causing a reaction (positive or negative)
We may have devised a delightful scenario which will cause you to come running back to us oozing sympathy-based fuel but if we cannot establish contact with you it is pointless. This is why I often mention how it may seem that we have left you alone but all it is, is that we are waiting for a moment to establish contact so we can then cause the reaction. We are of course mindful that if you escaped us you have no doubt instigated no contact and that your defences remain high, you are on a state of alert and wary about what we are doing. Sometimes sheer force of the hoover and our magnetic personalities prove enough to surmount these defences but this can take time and in particular energy and as you know we prefer to conserve our energy. There is a particular hoover which I call the Seduction Shuffle. It is invariably a benign hoover and relies on you thinking we will do something and you are wrong-footed when we do not, only for us to then make our move.
The circumstances are such that we allow you to know that we are in the vicinity. This may be through somebody else. It might be by walking past where you live or work. We do not make any approach to you. We do not look towards where you might be watching us from, we do not reach out. All we do is want you to know that we are nearby and then we do nothing.
You have been expecting us to get in touch. When we first re-appear or you get news of us being nearby you will raise your defences again expecting an approach but then when it does not happen you are taken aback and confused. Why has he not tried to get in touch? He walked past your window the other day but did not even look towards you? He passed the office but acted as if he did not realise? Perhaps he is interested in me anymore? Why would that be the case? You almost feel insulted by the fact that we are back in town and have not looked you up. You wonder what is wrong and in that usual way of yours you start to question yourself. This failure to act when we show up leaves you somewhat bewildered, possibly relieved and your defences come down. Maybe we have moved on, perhaps we are no longer interested in you although you cannot help but want to know why this is. Your curiosity is piqued and you are torn between knowing you should stay away but also wanting to find out why we have not approached you. Is it the case that we are no longer interested? Could this really be true? You need to know. Part of you wants the confirmation that it is over, part of you wants to know why you are not good enough for us to approach again and your desire to know proves difficult to control. Words reaches you from a third party that they were talking to us, but no, we did not mention you or ask about you. This troubles you although you know you should not care, but you do. Admittedly, there may be some of you who will not react to this method but they are in the minority. The desire to achieve some kind of understanding as to what happened, some kind of closure, perhaps the chance to get a few things off your chest still churns inside of you. The fact we looked well has drawn your interest again, rekindling thoughts and feelings from that first seduction, but overall you want to know why the shark is swimming nearby again but has not come hunting for you. We know these thoughts will be going through your head. We know you saw us. We know that you showed disappointment when a member of our coterie said they had spoken to us and not mentioned you. Already you have begun to provide fuel to us and we are content to wait for that delicious hoover fuel. Hoover fuel is always enjoyable, whether relief, joy, loving or upset, it all empowers us but it is especially rewarding when you come into our sphere of influence again. With defences lowered as you think that you are abler to handle our machinations and manipulations now you decide that you want to find out what we are doing back, who we are with and most of all the reason why we have not been in touch with you. The temptation proves too great and after all, one text message or a telephone conversation cannot do any harm can it? Once we see that message from you or your name appears on the mobile ‘phone screen, or we don’t recognise the number but recognise your voice when we answer we can scent even more fuel. You have made the contact and this tells us that you have opened yourself up to provide us with the sought after reaction and this waiting game has once again proven successful. We can now strike and finish the hoover.
31 thoughts on “Here He Comes Again”
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HG im still waiting for my answer to above question. I see it is no longer in moderation but no response received. Thank you. Your time and help is appreciated
Which question – it is often easier to repeat it than have me wade through comments.
Ok i will repeat. I have two kids with my ex husband and not the narc. Receive i have moved into my own place and kids are living with their dad. The narcissist turns up after a long silent treatment and demands that my kids stay with me and not their dad. He apparently does not want me to live alone. He also doesn’t really know my kids. He knew about this arrangements before he went silent for two months. I am thinking that he is scared that I might have more freedom without kids living by me. This request of his is puzzling. Your thoughts please HG.
Hi HG. My ex-narc joined a dating website that I happened to be on. I blocked him right away but of course I looked at his profile (laughable). Was this considered a Hoover? And what does he think of me being on a the same site. Just curious. Thanks.
It is.
Well you were there first, so he just regards it as a conduit by which he might hoover you.
For all I know he was on the website for the entirety of our relationship. Not quite sure. I erased my profile. Haven’t heard a thing so far so good 😎. Thank you.
Please remember to answer my question here
Ps HG do you like a bit of Dolly? … I can’t get Here he comes again line out of my head now! …. Maybe a duet Islands in the Stream …. The Narcissist and the Empath with a very amount of mirroring…. x x
If you do, I do Overthinker.
Like Julie the timing is perfect. I thought he was gone when a mutual friend mentioned him on social media. I wondered why this had happened. Guards up, on point. I only hope to someday relax. Thank you once again. I am beginning to think full Revenge is the only way completely out.
To my absolute shock, HG nailed the 4 or 5 times JN hoovered over a 10 month span. He still does too. Each time what drives him away is when I ask to see him. Then it’s over and good-bye for good.
Maybe this time will be the final exchange (as of last week), but now I’m always prepared with extra potent adoring SuperTanker fuel when he first resurfaces. Because I know after a week or two of that he’ll be craving his “fix” of a dopamine rush when he gets to reject me again.
Except I know the pattern now. He’s so transparent. I’m controlling his “fix” like the dealer and over time it will be me permeating his sixth sphere with him craving my reaction to him and wanting that rush. That’s when I’ll be able to walk away NC for good.
Interesting, Clarece! That was one of the games mine played: one of us suggesting a meeting, and him cancelling. Ptsdafternarcabuse experienced that as well. How cowardly and disrespectful of them! Well, the night of the third cancellation, I decided that there would be no fourth.
He expects your usual reaction. That’s the best time to go ‘no contact’ – without warning, or explanation. 🙂
It is cowardly and disrespectful isn’t it?! Thank you!
It has become fascinating monitoring how he Hoovers and what he says now that I look at it from a different lens.
However if I wasn’t reading the blog daily, I absolutely would have to go NC because it would drive me mad.
It’s been one week no contact again. We’ll see if he pops up in 2-3 weeks. That would be around Valentine’s Day! Lol
This is his MO. He’s otherwise harmless now.
Yes, only cowards sail through life hurting others: they DO NOT HAVE THE GUTS to face their own wounds!! There is nothing superior about them, nothing at all! At times, I can hardly control my anger thinking about this.
True, this game playing is maddening, and such a waste of time. But once you go ‘no contact’, you will see a further change… he will be less confident when he realises that he will not get his way… this change in tone, that’s the *reward* for staying strong.
Valentine’s Day = hoover time! Ugh!
Would you hoover Elizabeth?
Tes, subject to Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria being met.
Saw him today after a month of being blocked … He cycled past me as I walked my dog, smiled at me, as if he has moved on and forgotten how he vile he was to me last time we spoke or rather he yelled and completely demeaned and debased me, (devaluation a term I’ve only really heard in context of the narcissistic action since finding your site, so so accurate ) … 2 hours later unblocked and a message …. Thankfully was going into work and had an excuse … Awaiting the Hoover but fully aware now rather than forgiving and saying to myself he’s like this because of this … And thinking Love is the answer …. I don’t want to play him (I would never win as ultimately he doesn’t give a shit) ….However, I want a learning curve for me… Is it wrong? I want to see how both of actions and reactions play out and get the closure I need … x x
I am in the same place. I know in my heart that I must stay away because the consequences are unbearable but I also have an insatiable desire to learn and experiment. I do not kid myself about closure, though. There really is none with them and to expect it is setting oneself up for disappointment (not that we aren’t experts at that) and frustration. I would also urge extreme caution depending on what variety of narcissist you are dealing with. Mine was incredibly violent if provoked (and sometimes when not provoked) and I am not really seeking a near death experience…just enlightenment. Be safe. <3
Thank you …. I want to see is he a narcissist or a bad tempered moody person with narcissistic tendancies…. Why / how do I fuel him … Do I wind him up and for what reasons … I can’t believe or understand the way I was screwed over the way I was and why somebody would do those things to another human being.. I have my eyes wide open … I love him and hate him at the moment, hate is not an emotion I am used to … We were very passionate / raw not sure I could kiss him the way I feel now …. I want understanding and closure but may not get it .. x x
Spot on! Re. curiosity post escape etc. Its all such a tight sticky tangled web this narcissism is.
I work with “my narc”. We have been “limited contact” – restricted only to work dealings. Yet he hoovers during these interactions. Just yesterday we were having some fun again, working through a problem. We have a great creative chemistry, always synthesizing with great outcomes. (On the phone, we are in remote locations.) After our meeting he sent me an email saying it was great to “really chat” with me again and he hopes we can next week, too.
Neither of us really want to leave our jobs. The job is really good – high paying, lots of creative freedom.
Any advice? I try to be unresponsive when he tries to bring conversation into personal areas. But – it is hard work. Doesn’t come naturally to me. I do like him a lot after all.
Since you struggle to mask your emotional responses he will gain fuel and therefore he will Hoover, as you describe during these work interactions. Since you know what he is and that he’s looking to gain more fuel, keep the interactions just to work and no more. If you give fuel, so be it, as long as you resist him expanding the interaction. Be mindful his hoovers may turn malign if the interaction does not expand.
Thank you, yet coming home and seeing him last night all I can do is SMH, it was pretending I didnt see and continuing on as usual.
If he knew I saw him would he consider this a reation? I suspect he knows I saw him, thou.
That would explain his driving down the main road by my little dead end street with his subwoofers booming so loud I can hear him coming from 3 blocks over. 😀 This is excellent information. Thanks HG! He is well aware the dog and I used to hear him coming when he was on his way home. I still recall the feeling of dread towards the end of the relationship when I would hear that familiar rumbling and throbbing beat. My quiet would be soon shattered and it was time to dance on eggshells again…It still wakes me at night. I slept very little last night. The weekends are always worse. I heard him go past last night at about 1am. On his way to the club hunting again. Not falling for it. I know he is in hoover mode.
Pleasure.
This was perfect timing for me…as there have been several instances lately where I believed he would try contacting me…in either a negative or positive fuel seeking manner, but he has not. It was just as you described, caused me to wonder does this mean he is gone forever? Has he truly moved on to a new source of supply and I am no longer a thought in his head. Somewhat perplexing. ..good and bad at the same time. And yes…even made me wonder if I should check to see if the nightmare has truly ended. Wow HG…thanks for shedding yet more light on the thought processes of your kind…it has given me new found strength and understanding.
You are welcome Julie.
Well I guess that means no shooting him with paint when he decides to stand on the edge of my woods in my back yard. Lol
What about calling the police HG, would this be considered a reaction?
It is but the reaction is coming from them. It would only matter if he saw you hysterical on the phone calling them. If he doesn’t know you have done it, if the police pay him a visit that will be a criticism.
HG your thoughts please…. I have 2 kids of my own who is not the narc’s. Recently I have moved into my own place and kids are living with their dad. This happened during a long silent treatment from the narc. Now he appeared again and says he doesn’t want me to live alone and demands that my kids stay by me and not their dad. I am thinking he is scared that I might have more opportunity to see someone else if the kids are not with me. He knew about these arrangements before the silent treatment and never said anything. What do you think about this and his reasoning?
Does his reasoning really matter? He’s angling for fuel for sure because they are always angling for fuel. His precise “logic” is perhaps not just unknown, but unknowable. Their logic is often completely bonkers and only truly discovered after A LOT of analysis and digging… time and energy wasted. The point is: If he wants it, don’t do it. Especially since it seems like it’s better for you if you don’t. It’s win-win-win for you.