Salvos of Silence
Silence is golden. Or rather, it is a golden weapon when deployed by our kind. The use of silent treatment against our victims is a major part of our portfolio of abusive manipulations. Easy to implement, very low in terms of energy expended but capable of reaping such considerable rewards in terms of fuel, control, the assertion of superiority and the administration of power, it is little wonder that we use it regularly. The application of silence can be used virtually at any time and in nearly every situation. This cold fury causes frustration, upset, fearfulness, concern, confusion and bewilderment. It is perfect at drawing fuel from our victims. It is astonishing just how it affects those it is used against, causing the emotional fuel to froth and spill from the perplexed and worried individual. It causes anxiety and has a most unsettling effect which ensures that those who are subjected to it are unable to understand why it is being used. By maintaining a heightened emotional state, we ensure that you never manage to grasp what is happening and why this passive aggressive tactic is being used. It plays to your desire to know what is happening and why, but you do not realise. You hover around us, asking what is wrong, why are you not speaking to me, what is the matter, please just talk to me. Every sentence you utter, ever plea you make and every beseeched demand just makes us continue it all the more. In those instances, where the silent treatment is administered and we remain proximate to you, we will maintain a glacial mask. An impassive fixed expression which may be punctuated by the occasional baleful glare, but underneath this mask we are smiling and laughing at you. Look at how upset she is, see the confusion in her eyes and wait for it, here comes another question, another plea, another request to be put out of her misery. How the fuel flows and we revel in what we see.
Even when the silent treatment is utilised against you from a distance and we are not physically with you, we are savouring just how you will be reacting. We can picture you frantically jabbing your ‘phone as you send text after text asking us to come home, to call you and just explain what the problem is. We listen to your tear-infused voicemails as you ask us to just let you know that we are okay. Your sobbing promises to work things out and “whatever I have done, I am sorry, but please, please don’t do this to me.” Of course your failure to understand what you have done is used against you in two ways so that you are damned either way. Your admission that you do not know what you have done (which of course is entirely correct, how could you know what has happened when we just walked out of the living room when everybody was say quietly watching television?) just serves to underline, in our minds, that we are right to take this course of action. Good Lord, why should we bother to contact you if you cannot even be bothered to work out what you have done wrong. All the more reason to keep this silence going for a while longer yet. Furthermore, because it is so effective at troubling you and keeping you guessing as to what the reason for this icy front is, we want to continue it.
The silent treatment is used for many reasons. First and foremost, as with all manipulations, it is used to draw fuel. It is to exert control over you. It is to keep you in an emotional place and thus paralysed, unable to see what is happening and unable to think clearly. It is to reinforce that we are powerful, superior and mighty, whilst you are useless and pathetic. You do not know how to please us, you do not know how to remedy matter and you cannot even work out what you have done. You are useless.
There is also a further reason why we use the silent treatment. This is our way of killing you. True enough there are those of our kind who actually do kill their victims. Those people are idiots. They lack control, function and competence and allow their knee-jerk response to override their need for fuel and the ability to do as we please. By committing such an act, by losing control and killing, those of our kind who do this (invariably the lesser of our kind) not only destroy their primary source of fuel (often with no true contingency in place) but they then hand themselves on a plate to the authorities, a prison sentence and the attendance diminution in fuel gathering opportunities that arise from incarceration. As I wrote, they are idiots.
Those of us who exert control over our responses, those of us who are of a higher function, who plot and plan and calculate, do not go down such a route. No, instead we slay with silence and here are seventeen salvos which bring about that quiet death.
- Remaining in the room and saying nothing and not even acknowledging you.
- Remaining silent but staring malevolently at you.
- Talking to others in a social gathering but blanking you.
- Ignoring your telephone calls.
- Answering your telephone calls but saying nothing as we listen to you beg and plea before ending the call.
- Ignoring your text messages.
- Allowing you to know we have read your messages but never responding.
- Responding to everybody else’s comments on a social media post but not yours.
- Inviting everybody in a social group to which you belong, to an event, but not inviting you.
- Agreeing to meet for a date and not turn up.
- Sleeping in the spare room or on the sofa, anywhere but in the bed with you.
- Walking out all of a sudden and completely disappearing.
- Not engaging with you directly but acknowledging your existence through a third party – “John, did you hear something then? I thought I heard something squeak/whine/moan” used when you speak.
- Extending the silent treatment so it is meted out by lieutenants and members of the coterie.
- Responding to any written communication from you by writing “I do not recognise the sender of this letter/message/e-mail”
- We talk to you but only about our day, what we want to discuss and do not allow you to speak. We talk over you, ignore what you have to say and behave as if we are talking to ourselves in the mirror.
- You hear from other parties that we have been talking in terms as if you do not exist – “Yes, I am going to the wedding next week, I am happy to do so on my own, I am not being controlled then.” Even though you had no idea that we have such a plan in mind. Your existence has been eradicated and deleted by us and relayed back to you by proxy.
Yes, the application of the silent treatment is powerful indeed. It is regarded as a “death blow” against you.
Murdering without feeling has never been so damn appealing.
59 thoughts on “Salvos of Silence”
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omg my ex husband did silent treatments to me for years, and I never knew why, and it always seemed he was getting off on it. And it does kill you inside…….a death no one can see but you.
Hi HG. Ive only been popping in of late to listen to your recordings mostly. I still read your blogs but not quite as often though. Always excellent as usual, thank you.
However…Im helping yet another friend. She’s in the throws of being in denial, feeling unworthy, confussed and in total disbelief. The narc left her a couple of weeks ago. (Not quite sure at this point what type he is, other than to say he is EXTREMELY manipulative, rageful, and an absolute parasite). On leaving he said “if I leave I wont be back”, so he did. Now there is NO trace of him. Nothing on social media even, and he has ignored her one and only text. So…my questions are these….is this just a long silent teatment OR could it be something else (like living a double life/he lives an hour and a half away) OR would he intend on hoovering still, all in his own good time??? Ive advised my friend to go no contact but I fear she wont. From my studies I would say she is ‘the doormat’ for sure. Any advice welcome.
Thanks heaps as always
It depends on whether she was an IPPS or IPSS Lisa, such a situation as this is best dealt with through a consultation given the detail required and the various responses that would be provided.
Thank you HG. There’s still no sign of him, but my friend does seem to be feeling much better. She woke up one morning ‘knowing’ ALL ABOUT HIM, and what he’s done and how he went about it! (no thanks to me I might add). Wtf?? I am thankful for her sake though. Doesnt really matter how we get there, as long as we do get there I guess.
Mr. Tudor, your statement about silent treatments is absolutely fascinating:
“It is about being as close to killing without killing”
Wouldn’t asphyxiation with a consenting partner fulfill that goal?
Having only experienced this behaviour for a very short period (3 months) I am astonished at those who have had to put up with this for years – I commend your strength. And I had no physical abuse, no overt criticism…you are all a bit fab!
I am just left with the overwhelming desire to destroy him utterly. I want to see his life in tatters, his friends abandoning him, his children despising him. And I want him to know that I was behind it. I want him to come crawling to me begging to be put out of his misery.
Not that I am a vengeful person you understand.
Hi Flickatina 😀
Thank you, you are fab too 😀
It is natural to feel vengeful, it’s better than feeling hopeless thats for sure. Its a natural part of grieving, it helps you know your worth and boundaries. Your feelings are on your side telling you to protect and love yourself and that you deserve the best no matter what 😊
I noticed H.G has a book out on revenge.
Regardless, caring for you matters and getting to the point of feeling detached before any decisions are made othereise your emotional energy will only fuel him. Your energy is too prescious ..does he deserve your energy anymore ?
You deserve the best. Take care 😊
But yeh a part of me wants to see my ex go down..but i noticed it only made me feel worse..but that hurt is fading over time
.
Regardless ,you can kick arse now you’re free of him 😊
Thank you Phoenix 🙂 I need to let the rage run its course for a bit before I can achieve the serenity of indifference.
You’re welcome Flickatina 😀
Yes, the serenity of indifference will build over time. You have every right to feel all of how you do. And It means you love yourself and want better for yourself.And you can create it 😀
Love matters. And you matter ! 😀 ….. You know deep within what’s in YOUR best interests. As your focus begins to move towards things that feel good to you, you will feel better and his power over you will decrease over time. And if you then still want revenge, H’G’s book will have the perfect solution. No contact is likely the first step of revenge, if thats what people want.
A while ago when i was feeling extra vengeful and raw, I bashed my bed with my pillow when no one was home, i bashed it like a utter mad woman, if he was that bed, my pillow would’ve annihilated him. i’m glad no one was around to see it but it was a safe way, healthy way and a very cathartic way to get my emotions out. hehe, 😀 Deep down, i realised it was me I was upset with, for not honouring my intuition in the beginning. I was a slow learner, or naive or a dreamer.
YOU have the opportunity to move on much faster and create a wonderful life, and gain inner peace 😀 You’ve had the fab-ness and smarts to discover what he really IS quickly so you won’t waste 10 years like like I did.
By the time you have more indifference, revenge may matter less, and see it was ok to feel it, its a part of grieving. Acting upon loving emotions for you creates loving results for YOU 🙂 And subsequently, hopefully the best for all..
In the mean time, no contact is good revenge
Imagine it as a gigantic “SILENT” middle finger up his hairy arse for being a complete and utter twat for brains for not treating you as you deserve 😀
how DO we do this? how can we destroy them?
Something I never saw asked or discussed anywhere around NPD. What is the difference between silent treatment and extreme stubborness. What do the two different experience feel like like to you? Maybe what begane as a desperate stubborness to try to survive morphed over time to ST?
Stubborn behaviour can manifest in ways other than silent treatment with our kind, so I would not regard being stubborn as solely equating to silent treatments.
Mr. T : I find it such a conundrum that you (they) have such formidable patience and self control when it comes to doling out and maintaining 👈 the silent treatment!!!
Yet, eye rolling at the dinner table can cause you to strike like a cobra …. and bite ! Snap off your head !! ..Demonstrating such little self control ..? Or is it ?
I have some degree (Does it show? 💁🏼) of narcissism myself.
But I am unable to maintain silence for too long …what are you telling yourself when you see the barrage of emails etc.? Is it difficult to maintain radio silence? My mid ranger is a pro !
I must admit I do like to see a flurry of texts and emails whilst I look down my nose thinking … weakling! But inevitably I cave in and rant. 😔
ps . #11? I’d throw back my covers at 2 am run downstairs and kick the couch ! How dare you !?! So rude!! Come to bed ! Good tactic, I hated it ! Oh Shan talk about lack of control 🙄
Indeed Shantily, but remember all is as the fuel orders it to be.
It is good to hear from so many like me. The sadness, isolation, cruelty, head games–at times were beyond bearing. I still cry, I still wait for the next horrible move, yet still press on to make my life appear normal. Sadly, yesterday my youngest child matteroffactly started the ex would eventually kill me in my sleep and I will become another statistic
Hi Exhausted. Good to hear from you too.
I understand. That’s sad 🙁 I hope you are living in a safe private home environment.
Things can get better for you, in time your youngest child will learn that he is not a part of your life as you both keep move forwards. I believe in you, things can get better.
Stay safe, take care. Cyber hug.
EXHAUSTED
Are you and your children still with him?
Poor Karen. 🙁
HG, you say that you are mentally killing them, but is this effective for the narcissist in terms of forgetting the person? Is it really that easy to eradicate the other person, or feel you have regained the upper hand? I think the silent treatment is used after a narcissistic wound. What if the person isn’t begging for your attention? Thanks for your thoughts, as always.
It is easy to eradicate that person when we are enjoying the seduction and golden period of a new appliance. The old appliance is readily jettisoned from our minds.
If the person is not begging for our attention, then unless they are providing some other kind of fuel, the silent treatment is not working and we will shift to another manipulation or seek fuel elsewhere.
Thank you for your response. I’m 7000 miles away from him, but I have to return home for a couple of months to deal with family matters. I worry that that will put me within his spheres of influence. I kept thinking he is just playing a long con, but I was hoping I was wrong. Neither of us is dead, so I shall remain on guard. Thank you for your insight. I am grateful I found you and your site.
HG and his admissions have been a viable tool in understanding this (incurable) disorder. I would venture to guess we all having been involved in a (one sided) relationship with a narcissist have felt a deep depression wanting to end it all. To everyone that has survived …so glad you’re still here! From this point on we are better equipped to never delve into such precarious and flat out dangerous situations. Love yourself …be free and love again! Be cautious and most of all be patient! It will happen. Thank you HG for sharing. It has helped many!
Wonderful message ! Thank you Holy Reality
Hi Anna Belle Black and everyone here lovely to meet you 🙂
I did not like that comment for any negative reason.
I am appreciating the truth that H G is sharing and doing my best to learn from it to protect myself and grow.
I was with an ex, who is a narcissist/sociopath for 10 years who nearly destroyed me, I even attempted suicide after 10 years of the torment, and after being in intensive care, he still tried to taunt me, he wanted to kill me by making me kill myself. He also used to use the silent treatment if i didn’t give him what he wanted.
To be honest, i’ am valuing the truth that H G is sharing because I am discovering about all of the strategies that my ex used to use against me, and it is keeping me solid in my no contact so that i accept the truth, and now create a healthy and happy life and leave my ex behind me. He WILL try to hoover me again and i want to stay strong and unaffected.
It is not always nice to read the truth, but it is helpful in order to create freedom and also good for me so that i can now make good decisions based on solid facts rather than hopes or wishes.
If i did not learn this truth, i would be dead. I ultimately would have ended my life , my ex used to taunt me to do so and i had become too entangled and influenced by him after 10 years, he would stir at my weakest points and the lack of sleep and ups and downs …anyway
…This truth is making me stronger and wiser.
thanks for reading. 🙂 take care.
Nice to meet you phoenix. HG is an excellent teacher and you should read all of his books. He is Very gracious at answering questions despite his very busy schedule. I am sure your world will be broken wide open. ☺
Thank you ABB I appreciate that.
Hi Anna Belle Black. I’ve noticed H G takes time to answer questions; it is awesome, I appreciate to be a part of this blog with H G, you and everyone here. 😀
Thank you, you have a great heart. I’m so glad this is helpful for you too. I have read one book “No Contact”, which i loved, it is brilliant and has helped so much and have purchased 2 more books which I am about to read and work my way through them. My world is has being broken wide open, and is getting much better now . 😀
what she said
OK. HG. If I have misunderstood kindly I ask you to enlighten me.
Being close to killing without killing, in which context then?
That is in the context of a silent treatment. It silently ‘murders’ you by treating you as if you no longer exist, thus we have ‘killed’ you in our minds, but physically you remain alive. Plus the impact of the silent treatment is such that it has a significant impact. Thus it is in this context that I used the statement of mud earring without feeling has never been so appealing and the statement being close to killing without killing.
Thank you sire. I knew it had to be my lack of understanding. And yes I know you are not at the nut house. How do I know? Because Arkham Asylum only takes special cases like me. They have wonderful blue drinks and red pills in here. 💙🍹💊
Do you know Harley Quinn?
Of course. I borrowed something from her once. We were tight back when I was at Belle Reve Penitentiary. I put one of the names on that place. Perhaps you could visit. I could introduce you to many different characters.
Someday, or one day people will believe you when you tell who you are. The illusion is you share your childhood experience and we are hopeful that the inner child will recede and a responsible adult that accepts accountability for their actions. Thus is not a blame HG post but we have to stop trying to fix and hopeful the will change. They don’t and feel no need too. If a person kills themselves at the hands of these it’s ohh well not .you fault.
After being devalued, discarded etc; and still sharing the home. Would the target benefit from applying silent treatment back to the narc?
Yes. This means no fuel, but be aware this will cause a shift in manipulation against you.
Thank you Mr Tudor… Would you elaborate on ‘shift in manipulation’ please.
Change from one manipulation, say a silent treatment to a different one, say intimidation.
I’m starting to realize I am a bad-ass! I caught on to him quickly but yet I still have been ensnared so as not to unfairly label him. Silent treatments & blocking me out over & over are his favorite punishments. He stopped gas-lighting because I wouldn’t play anymore. I have zero interest in a person who cruelly drives another person to suicide. Fuck them! I’m out!!!
In my world view it makes perfect, logical sense. Above are the 17 Salvos of Silence that bring about that “quiet death.” I didn’t put those words in your mouth.
Here’s a #FunFact about Silent Treatments:
“The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the anterior cingulate cortex – the part of the brain that detects physical pain. The initial pain is the same, regardless of whether the exclusion is by strangers, close friends or enemies.”
It is about being as close to killing without killing, that is the difference.
Shame on you HG. And shame on phoenix for liking that statement. I might have been ruthless but I wasna killer. Go join a club that practices taking someone to near death in a consensual way. Don’t do it on the innocent. Dangerous game you are playing there. Keep yourself hidden HG, I may have to come looking for you after that crazy statement. Oh wait you’re locked up in the nut house. Carry on. Hard to type with that straight jacket, no?
I think you’ve misunderstood ABB.
HG, this was your response yesterday answering my question on if this was why your family insisted on getting you into therapy.
“No. It was my treatment of that person which was alleged to have driven them to commit suicide.”
I realize you’re saying “alleged” treatment but obviously people close to her knew what was going on or there wouldn’t be anything to allege.
What’s getting misunderstood?
You, yourself, have to realize now with your journey in therapy and your self awareness that your methods for functioning, coping, harvesting your fuel, etc., have to be adjusted to not be malicious and harmful to the other humans you let into your life.
Clarece, it will become far clearer with the publication of the relevant book. As people have witnessed with Lesley, there is more to it than meets the eye. An individual who was a primary source of mine committed suicide. Certain people, because they did not have the full facts and they had their own agendas linked my behaviour to that outcome. They were wrong. Others realised that it was another intervening factor which caused it. The facts will be laid out in the relevant publication in due course and you can make your own mind up then.
Fair enough.
HG,
I know your response was to MLA and yes, I understand the point you are making here. I will wait to read the publication as well. Indeed, she could have done so due to mental illness factors or other abuses from others. Understood.
And, with that said, outside of this specified example, many that are targeted by your kind (particularly a population that I specialize in , BPD)are at very high risk of suicide and often the abuse doled out, intentional or not, can put them over that edge. You know this. You are a smart man.
I have commented here previously, months ago, regarding this topic of NPD abuse resulting in suicide.It is particularly risky business for those with significant mood dysregulation to engage with those of the higher end of the NPD spectrum. Life threatening. To those with BPD and Bipolar Disorder particularly, though not limited to these populations…..
Is that what you tell yourself so you can savor your power rush for negative fuel?
It is heinous and destructive and completely unnecessary!!
Silent treatments are utter and complete torture.
Indeed it is Clarece and I know you especially hate them.
“Certain people, because they did not have the full facts and they had their own agendas linked my behaviour to that outcome.”
In my experience, if those people have a Cluster B disorder or even if some of them are apaths, *and* there are economic matters or some other benefits involved, they are not interested in having the full facts because they are well aware of what they are doing. They would go so far as to intimidate or threaten the individual they want to con out from speaking up.
That’s interesting re how the brain functions. When you understand how the brain works it also helps to quell the pain however it’s caused.
Thanks for that 🙂
yes neglect by silent treatment causes pain the same as physical because the same brain parts activates while under this treatment. I’ve read about it and also how significantly it can destroy a child…
You can really end this one with “Murdering without feeling has never been so damn appealing.” ??? Upon the heels of yesterday admitting a past IP has committed suicide but yet that was never your true intention or end desire for that outcome. Really???
So…so…mad at you!
But your methods are your methods…
You are applying a comment re silent treatment to a different context Clarece.
Wait. What? I gotta DVR this stuff. I don’t follow anymore so just randomly read. So an IP suicide under HGs watch? Tell me it isn’t so HG.
No, not under my watch.
HG, so a former IP killed herself? Is that what you are saying?
Yes she did.