The Poisoned Messages of Devaluation
We avail ourselves of the use of technology through all the various stages of the narcissistic cycle and the period of devaluation is no exception. We will use the sending of messages, be they of the text, messenger or e-mail variety, to roll out our devaluation against you. These poisonous messages are sent because it is so easy for us to do so. It is a simple task of typing that message, whether we happen to be at home, in the office, sat waiting for a plane or in a queue of traffic. We can unleash a poisoned arrow from anywhere and have it winging its way to pierce your heart. We can do it at any time and reap the reward from the provision of fuel. Sometimes the fuel arises as consequence of your response, by messaging us back or ringing us. Other times it is gathered through Thought Fuel as we envisage your reaction based on what we know of your emotional responses and sometimes we even get the combination of both Proximate and Thought Fuel. There is little energy expenditure for us and the prospects of fuel and exerting control over you are invariably very good. Here are ten ways in which we send you poisonous messages during devaluation.
1. The Barren Periods
We have, through the extensive and exciting messaging we engaged in during the golden period created an expectancy on your part to receive messages from first thing in the morning until last thing at night and at regular and repeated intervals. You have become used to this and then all of a sudden it dries up. You send a message to us in the hope of generating a response but there is nothing. You send another, just in case the first did not somehow get through. There is nothing but silence. You wait and try to do something else but you cannot concentrate because you keep looking to your ‘phone hoping for that message to appear but it does not. Many hours may pass, perhaps a day until you either happen to bump into us or we deign to finally respond. You can expect the replies to be along the lines of:
“There was no signal where I was.”
“There must be a fault with my ‘phone as I never received any messages.”
“I did reply, did you not get it?”
“All your messages have just come through now, that’s why I messaged when I did.”
“I ran out of credit.”
“I ran out of battery.”
Do not accept these explanations. These are rolled out to pull the wool over your eyes. The failure to reply was deliberate and calculated and more often than not it was because we were busy with somebody else.
2. The Raised Hopes
We will make an arrangement with you, suggesting we go out to dinner tomorrow evening or attend that new play you were excited to see. You look forward to spending time with us, alter your other arrangements, put yourself to time and expense in preparation for whatever event is and then at the last minute we cancel with either no excuse or half an excuse and then we fall silent.
3. The Wrong Recipient
You receive a message which is clearly meant for someone else. It might be using a nickname that is unfamiliar to you, confirming an arrangement when you knew of none to be confirmed, thanking you for a wonderful evening when we did not see one another that evening or any number of combinations where the content of the message is at odds with what you know. It is rarely a mistake when this happens. It is done deliberately.
4. The Vitriolic Volley
A straight forward nasty barrage of insults sent in the form of text messages. The content will be savage and hurtful and you will have no or little idea why the messages are being sent or what they actually relate to. You will be accused of being a slut, when you have always been faithful, or wasting money when you are careful with it, or not caring about us when you have just done something especially loving. The words will be barbed, picking on your weaknesses and vulnerabilities and is often done when you have gone out without us or you have friends around without us being invited. It is a short and sharp method of upsetting you in a quick as possible manner.
5. The Afterthought
We tell you what we are doing and happen to mention that you might like it as well even though now, given the late notice you have been given, that it is nigh on impossible for you to join in. Typical messages will read
“Great party at Harry’s you would love the music here.”
“I am at Portofino’s with Hannah, the food is just your type of thing.” (Plus, who is Hannah by the way?)
“I am watching U2, they are awesome, you like them don’t you?” (When we know full well that U2 is your favourite band.)
You are left upset as you are missing out on something you would enjoy and also hurt because we have done it without you, knowing that you would have wanted to attend as well.
6. The Mirror
This does not appear as though it is actually a poisonous message because its content is pleasant and it is WHEN it is sent that is of relevance. If you are going through a period of devaluation and you then receive messages which appear to provide a Respite Period from the nastiness, be warned; you and somebody else are getting the same messages. Thus if we have been unpleasant to you for a number of weeks and you then get a message stating
“I miss you.”
“I love you.”
“I wish you were with me.”
It will lift your heart but understand that its generic quality, lack of personalisation and out-of-the blue quality denotes that you and your prospective replacement are both receiving this message from us. Double fuel.
7. The Backhander
It may seem like a pleasant message but it is not. This is usually sent to emphasise our importance and demote the apparent pleasantry in our message to you by causing it to appear second-best to the rest of what we have written. Examples would include
“I miss you but I am so busy closing this massive deal at the moment.”
“I hope you are well but I am focused on beating my time for the half marathon so lots of training at present.”
“I was thinking about you as I was polishing my new car.”
8. The False Hope
You receive a blank message from us following a period of silence and this causes you to respond, pleased to have received even this crumb of apparent comfort and thus you respond to it. We deny messaging you or suggest it must have been done by accident. The text equivalent of the butt dial. It was done on purpose and we noted just how quickly you replied to us as well.
9. The Forewarned Silent Treatment
You are told we will not be available to contact. The reason given is not because we are travelling or engaged in meetings or such like, but rather it will be explanations such as
“Don’t message me for 48 hours, I need to do some thinking.”
“I need some space, so I won’t be in touch for a few days.”
“I am feeling pressured so just need some breathing space. Don’t contact me until I contact you.”
Aside from gaining Thought Fuel at your disappointed and concerned reaction, this is being done to exert control over you and most of all to ensure that you do not get in the way and interfere as we are seducing someone else.
10. The False Emergency
We send a message asking for your help with something and you feel pleased to be involved as matters have been decidedly icy between us for a few days. You respond straight away but you are then told that it does not matter since Joe or Helen or Angela has already come to our aid/lent us the onion/changed the tyre etc. There was no incident which required your help or help from anybody. We wanted to see how quickly you would respond to our control and then we garner fuel from both your perceived and witnessed responses.
26 thoughts on “The Poisoned Messages of Devaluation”
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It’s funny reading your blog. Your tone suggests you are potent, charming, irresistible, skillful, powerful and sharp. HAHA! So typical of a narcissist – where we see a pussy, you see a lion. I bet you are just a sad, tragic, desperate, needy loser with no soul :))))
Is that you mother? How many times have I told you I know I have no soul.
“Is that you, mother?”
That always totally cracks me up, HG! 😝
Hope you have a great weekend!
You too WS.
Do you really know what you doing to the other person . Really you don’t realize you are using somebody . You really don’t have any remorse . You really never love that person and you have more than one at the same time
(HSP from Europe here). Have just discovered your website and have been reading on for the last few hours. (after some lovely dates with male N, and myself declining date n°3 because days of silent treatment. I told him he was too passive-aggressive for me and asked whether he was an N, which he confirmed). Your articles are painfully brutal, but honest, which I prefer any day to lying, cheating, playing games and manipulating 🙂
I believe N’s must be in a lot of pain to behave the way they do… Somehow the whole behaviour is still fascinating and also strangely (sexually) appealing to me. Oh Jee, I must reflect on that! (and refrain from contacting him again since intercourse would only make things worse -for me that is)
@HG, thank you for the great insights. Just wondering if taking therapy or writing about yourself/the condition has helped you.. umm.. “becoming a better person”?
For days another wave of pain has been building. Since reading this, number 6 specifically, the downward spiral into oblivion again accelerated. Knowing there was another recipient of that very intimate text, & it was a man, & by his profile a nice one, hurt. The line of information for power & understanding blurring with masochism & whether my time here on this site was done. Then there was the lieutenant sent to sit next to me in church on the weekend while she relayed back to another & I’m sure later to him. The signs that the month of respite may be over & this morning could take no more & cried to my God for something – anything. He answered. I was given a very unexpected in a most unlikely place a connection. One obviously not seen by exN during planning or since. One gifted to me today. One that would end his construct overnight. I promised him I would not try to reveal him and as an empath & Christian, of course I will keep my word however this one is out of my control. It is like watching a meteor on a collision course headed for Earth. I cannot go into detail & I have reason to believe he has identified me in here so J, if you’re reading this, I know you’re working on restoration but let go & let God so you can have control over how you disclose what you are to others because trust me, if this meteor hits, you will be obliterated. With all the meticulous planning that your kind put in, the fragility of the construct is absurd. God truly has a sense of humour & it saved me.
#2… is this common if there is no cancellation? Just silence?
Do you mean you just do not hear anything at all from us rather than a cancellation? That happens as well.
Yes! We had plans, he talked about them with me the day before and then he disappeared. Hasn’t spoken to me in 3 months but still sees me in a professional setting 2x a week and acts like I don’t exist….
Thanks Love ❤️🍎❤️
Mine would use my chasing him up during the silence as a way to hurt me more. So he got two for one. He hurt me by not talking to me, and when I chased him up he’d hurl abuse at me, it was always the same ‘ I don’t have $%^&*(# time for this %&#$, I’m very busy, some of us have a REAL job and have to work for a living, we don’t live online (my job is online). Go out, get a job, your life is pathetic’.
Bam, that hurt so much. He hurt me by ignoring me, he hurt me by abusing me, he hurt me by invalidating my job, he made himself sound important because he’s really really busy (unlike me).
Wow, Watermelon.. I feel your pain. Hope that now (few months after posting) your pain has subsided and you know that his remarks have more to do with him or his self-loathing, than with you…
You Rock!
I got all of these.. Dammit!! Except the insults too… Seems like such a waste of time.. Dam attention seekers.
All I can do is laugh at how silly this whole thing is. I’m a complete empath.. But i realised a long time ago the “truth” of why someone is cruel doesn’t matter.. It allows me to walk away and recover..
If I did this to someone what disdain I would have for them.. How tiring it must be to be a narcissistic individual. Can’t help but feel sorry for them.
I always thought the Afterthought was mean.
I wondered why she had time to bother texting me when she was out with others. Didn’t make sense. I wasn’t bothered that she was at a party or bar without me.
She texted,
“I wish you could have been here”
“You would really like the sangria”
“You should be here with me”
“You should see all the hot people here”
Then I was sent pictures.
This is also how she distanced me from my family.
“You have your husband to be with”
“You need family time”
“You aren’t thinking of me”
“You are happily married”
So many mixed messages.
SMH at all of these. I got them all except the nasty insults. At least it’s one thing I didn’t get.
They brought back a lot of memories.
Great article HG
Ugh. I’m sorry Snow. She was very manipulative. 😠
Great article HG, I’ve reread it a few more times.
And now I’m wondering No. 7. What if your backhander goes over the other person’s head (or they let you think that). I realise you will get some sense of power because of their ‘stupidity’ in accepting it as a compliment. But would you receive less fuel than if they realise and react ?
No because their reaction to the backhander provides fuel.
If it goes over their head, we expect that. We gain fuel from their pleased reaction and also Thought Fuel from knowing we have insulted you and you missed it.
Agh I hate your answers to both!!
What if secretly you like to be manipulated?
Do you mean what if I like to be secretly manipulated or if you do?
Well obviously I wasn’t thinking of anyone in particular….. not me because that would be weird – clearly……so a non N. What if a non N liked it HG?
If a non-N like to be manipulated then we would continue to do it.
Hahahhaha okay thanks HG
And on point 8. How does that make you feel when you receive no response?
A little irritated but it is probably being done in tandem with approaching other people and therefore gets lost in the fuel that flows from others.
3,6 and 9:( I cannot take 6. That more than one of us received that message 🙁