Elasticated
I become easily bored. I think it is as a consequence of how clever and brilliant I am that my mind is always racing. It is rushing over and over, thoughts and ideas percolating through it. I therefore need to be stimulated and kept occupied. This translates into my relationships. I don’t know why, but after a period of time I just become bored with whoever I am with. I usually tell them that you’re the one I like best, you retain my interest and you’re the only one. Somehow this changes. I have often considered why this happens and I have reached the conclusion that is a combination of me becoming easily bored and that you become irritatingly clingy. Rather than realise I have become bored, you hang around and this begins to irritate me. In order to get you to understand that I do not want you anymore, I have to resort to more and more nastiness to drive you away. I must confess though, in most cases this seems to have the opposite effect. It is odd. The harder I try to push you away, the tighter you cling on and this then angers me. Every so often however there is a spark of interest and I remember how it felt before and somehow I must reflect that to you as you seem pleased. It does not last long and the all-encompassing ennui comes crashing back down again and thus I have to push you away as I try to find someone new, something different to engage me. Yet still you remain, repeatedly dangling and left in limbo. The occasional glimpses I provide you of how things used to be really do draw you back and give you some kind of misplaced hope that I can rekindle what we once had. It never can be done as my sterile state returns and in order to fill that I can no longer turn to you. You remain is a state of suspension, bouncing back and forth as if joined to me by a piece of elastic. I won’t cut it and neither it seems will you.
60 thoughts on “Elasticated”
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Of course a narc would believe the reason he is always bored is because of his mental power. But the real reason is his inability (lack of resourcefulness) to experience and relate with the world beyond a shallow surface level. Anyone, no matter how smart or stupid, would be bored in this shallow state. It’s the mental illness. That’s all.
Along with the disorder is there lack of ability to bond with someone once a relationship would start to get to the truly intimate level past the initial infatuation phase. They can feel a connection towards someone, hence why they target them. But to bond freaks them out and their mistrust issues put their defences up.
There is no connection towards you, we connect you to us.
You bond us to you. Absolutely. I believe a connection exists on both sides. Maybe you are reading more into when I say you do experience a connection towards the people you choose to ensnare. You need our supply. Our attention. Our admiration. Our affection. Our adoration. Our love. Our emotions. Our anger. You are drawn to our characteristics that you cannot feel because it quells your boredom and brings a new thrill with a new person. I do view that as a connection that initiates the relationship on your part pursuing it. Does that make sense?
“The attention they receive from the “Supply Source” is vital for the survival of the narcissist, without it they would die either physically or metaphorically), because their weak ego depends on it in order to regulate their unstable self-worth and self-esteem.”
Christine Louis de Canonville.
How we feel after you’re through with us, you would feel if you could never secure adequate supply. Both sides connect therefore in my perspective.
We require your fuel. We attach you to us to provide that fuel. It does not attach or connect us to you.
You require our fuel. That is what I said. That actually makes you dependant on us, to your utmost annoyance. That, is a connection. It draws you to us to get what you need. That is a connection labeled as your “requirement”.
No it is not.
Agree to disagree on this one. I’m not backing down on my position.
You are still wrong regardless.
Oh? Once I get settled in at work later, I’ll be back. You just wait…
Settled in or not, it is not going to change the fact you are incorrect.
I’m back! Let’s do this, HG.
Firstly, this is my own personal, perspective that is based on my experience and encounters tied in with what I have learned here from you, the readers, but also the other resources I have read or spoken with the last couple years in conjunction with the ongoing interaction with JN while that was happening. I don’t think there is a correct / incorrect / wrong / right / black / white straight up view.
In my world view, with respect to a connection developing between two people prior to the bond being cemented by the Narc to his victim, yes, I think you do “connect”. I use that verbiage to account for your need or better yet, your “DESIRE” to possess, control and dominate another. You need that. You survive on that. You have to target. You have to filter out the individuals that do not have the traits you seek. You desire to be in the presence of someone who will provide you with the right mix of attention (fuel), positive or negative and when you find that person, you pursue them. You put the work and investment in to conquer and secure that person under your reign. Not any one will just do. Therefore, you do have to “connect” to a specific individual to perform the Narc dance.
I also apply what you have taught in that especially with the Lesser and Mid-Range which seem to account for the majority of the narcissists out there, they don’t know what they are. They are acting on instinct. They actually think they are in relationships where they have loved and lost or whatever. They continually resurface and hoover unlike normals who can separate from a relationship that does work, part ways, have closure and move on with hopefully respectable feelings.
All of this…in my fucking book…equates to a “connection”. Not a bond. Not an attachment. But a connection. Most definitely. Please understand, I have not once said you are wrong. I’m saying we are going to disagree on this because you have your world view and I have mine. I will always define the catalyst for any of these relationships is a CONNECTION between these two people being drawn into each other’s worlds because both carry inner wounds. They are each other’s ying and yang when they cross paths. Again, I reconcile that in my mind with a CONNECTION happening. I’m not saying bond or heavy attachment. But I’m standing my ground on this and you can take it to Dr. O and get her opinion if you want.
With all due respect, Clarence, I think you are giving narcs too much credit or ability. HG, please correct me if I am wrong but I believe narcs do not feel connection towards someone they target but rather some sort of attraction based on the unconscious for lessers and mid-rangers and conscious for greaters recognition of the desired empathic and class traits. I also believe their failure to bond does not result from them freaking out at the possibility of developing intimacy but rather inherent inability to bond.
As stated earlier, we feel no connection to our victims (we of course lie and trot out lines related to connection in order to seduce) but we connect them to us.
HG,
“I become easily bored. I think it is as a consequence of how clever and brilliant I am that my mind is always racing. It is rushing over and over, thoughts and ideas percolating through it.”
So, is ur mind bored or is it rushing with thoughts? I’m a little confused. I always thought narcs are bored, meaning their mind is not rushing with thoughts. Ty.
My mind is always churning with thoughts. I am not bored with what is occurring in my mind, but it is what is sometimes occurring around me that causes boredom.
Ty. I find this a little difficult to understand. So, u are not bored on the inside? I always thought u were. Oh, this changes everything. I no longer feel sorry for narcs.
It is the situations around us that become boring, hence in part why we behave as we do. It is not a case of being bored on the inside – if the situation is boring, I am bored.
Ty.
This really changes everything for me.
I always thought:
‘oh poor narcs, they feel empty inside, constantly bored INSIDE, and always seeking overly stimulating activities such as sex with strangers. They can’t help it and i feel sorry that they must resort to such disgraceful acts. It must be conflicting for them, ie. they hate doing it yet need to do it (my nex anyways)’.
Well now i think: ‘narcs have so many thoughts running thru their mind, they are not bored on the inside. So there is no need to seek over stimulation by seeking casual sex partners. Damn bastards!’
Yes, Insatiable Learner, that definitely expounds upon what I was saying. I don’t disagree. I think in their present relationships when it develops to where real intimacy would begin, it happens when parts of their “mask” slips and the other person starts getting glimpses into what is behind the perfection of the false facade. It is like a reflex for them to want to avoid rejection and abandonment and they make the first move. Their inability to bond can stem from improper and unhealthy attachments developed from birth on up with caretakers, abusers then, etc.
HG, here in this blog, you strive for honesty.. correct?
.. Do you think it is possible that there are subconscious motivations or defense mechanisms that enter into play in your relationships, of which you are unaware?
Clarece, you have a nuanced view on human connection.. I read an article recently on Psychology Today on neuroplasticity and the human brain’s capacity for change – even of fundamental personality characteristics, and further more that in some individuals, this “hope” became so frightening, because of the inherent change involved…
I thought of you, and this blog, and all of our discussion on connection.. etc..
Hello Nuit Etoilee! Can you expand on me having a nuanced view on connection? I’m interested in how I’m being perceived on this vs how I think I view it and am articulating it here. That article in Psychology Today sounds very insightful.
I understand MLA’s persuasive points. However I don’t see a narcissist’s requirement equating a connection. A narcissist’s requirement can be fulfilled by X or Y or Z. A narc’s natural ability to move easily and flawlessly from X to Y to Z to extract his required fuel creates repulsion, nullifying any connection or bond. Bonding is created through certain deep feelings which narcs pretend to have which they can nullify and empaths cannot with the same ease. Hence there lies the fine line between connection and no connection.
Correct.
Hi Clarece,
Just an example: people living in a rural areas without public transport options are dependent on their car (an object) to go to work, to take their children to school or to buy their groceries. They do not bond with the car or build any kind of connection with it. I think this is how narcissists see us. We are only an object to them from the very beginning – a means to their prime aims.
A good way of putting it.
Hi EB. I understand your point and I saw HG approved of it.
You absolutely cannot connect at all with something that can’t talk back to you or engage with you.
I think people are misunderstanding what I view a connection happening versus full on deep seated attachment or bonding happening. I gave HG a further explanation so hopefully that helps.
Hi Clarece,
I admit I did not understand what you meant by having a connection. I know it is not always possible to explain a concept in a few words and I read you were busy at work.
There were several narcissists in my family of origin on both sides. I heard what they said and also what they told me about their PSs and SSs. Sometimes I was shocked, especially when I heard my Matrinarc speak about other people, so I thought I should let you know. The fact that people we love or care about see us and other human beings as mere objects to be used and thrown away can be painful to accept.
Hi E.B.! I’m hoping HG releases my response with a much more defined and articulated explanation of my view on there being a connection to both parties involved, especially since you and a couple of others joined in.
Basically, my view is, there has to be a catalyst that gets the narc relationship off the ground and running. Prior to attachment and then full on bonding happening for the victim. That catalyst = the connection.
Step one is these two parties “connect”.
Step two, the Narc uses techniques such as mirroring and love bombing to make the supply get attached.
Step three, because of the traits the victim has with honesty, trust, loyalty, mixed in with the chemical side high of physical intimacy (on their part) with the oxcytocin and dopamine, they become bonded to the Narc.
HG,
Do you get bored with everything else in your life or just people?
Are narcs are thrill seekers in other aspects of their life, e.g. into activities that are competitive or exciting because there’s an adrenalin rush?
I find certain things boring and need to be stimulated but I am fortunate in that I get to do various things with various people which allows the garnering of fuel and the rejection of boredom.
Thank you.
what are you referring to when you say “various things”? Sexual in nature? Do you do different sexual things with others? If so, what makes you decide what you want with who? I was always curious if my N did different things with different women. Not because the women suggested but because he wanted to. After all he is always in control right?
Yes I do. Fuel causes me to decide. Certain people will be more amenable to certain sexual behaviours and they will find others abhorrent, thus dependent on fuel needs I will decide which are the better ones to apply.
Greaters are fun to hang out with until they employ the “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me” engulfment. It would be nice to get on the ferris wheel and get off when the ride stops, but they want to say when the ride is over.
Exactly, MsSevyn. 😉 My ex-narc didn’t like that I enjoyed his entertaining skills, information and sharing of music, e-books, etc. – but immediately ignored and completely blocked him at the very first sight of downhill-movement. It took him quite a while to understand that he wasn’t getting anywhere with me and that his charm wasn’t working anymore. 😉 He’s stayed away so far.
You become easily bored because you’re boring.
Wrong again. I am excellent company.
But then you would hardly say otherwise would you?
Feel free to put it to the test.
Dinner or just drinks?
Over an arm wrestle.
I could take you. *note to self – arms & shoulders at the gym this week*
Your confidence entertains me.
I believe in showing confidence even when you don’t feel it. Showing confidence usually leads to feeling confident. And it makes you look less like a victim.
But I do like to entertain….
A fair point Flickatina.
Holy Crap! I just had an epiphany! The reason he got to me was because he already knew me – he didn’t have to get through the shield (Your bullets can’t harm me – my wings are like a shield of steel!) He knew me as the 15 year old girl who adored him and used that against me. Damn damn damn!
HG, i am entertained by the fact that flickatina’s confidence entertains you!! 😀
Is confidence a challenge to your kind HG? Do you see it as something that must be crushed?
It depends how and when it manifests. Confidence usually equates with the provision of fuel which is naturally something that is desired, but if it is used defiantly and without fuel, but is challenging and wounding, it may need to be dealt with.
Oh I am all about the defiance! *pokes sleeping dragon*
Super, you’re driving me crazy! 🙆Frm HG’s writing, it is evident that he is not boring in the least.
Lol. PTSD you’re too cute. Really I DO love y’all. (Excuse the Texas slang.) The plural of ya’ll, btw, is “all y’all” here. I love that nickname “Super” its super!!
Super, nice to see your sense of humour!
exactly
Pushing us away makes us want you even more. Absolutely correct!
This one hit home big time. I keep wondering why it is that a co-dep/narc relationship doesn’t last. How It’s not ideal for the narc as the co-dependent will keep up giving. If you have an active co-dependent they’ll even be less clingly then the passive. I am a co-dependent, somewhere between active and passive. The narc was scared shitless every time I got too close. And yes the story above resonates oh so well. It’s just funny that the narc will discard the one person that would give their life for the ones the love. We are the co-dependents and empaths. Why do narcs become cowards around us?
Some are and some aren’t, if they are it is because of the fear of being wounded and losing fuel.
Take me out of my misery! God can’t you let me go? I know I am great and everything, but you continually pining after me , it’s really getting annoying. Look. You live in another country. We are never going to be together. Face it. It’s over. Yes it would have been great, but I have grown tired. There is no other way to say it. It’s over. Let me go!
Didn’t that make you want to stay? Come on you wanted to re conquer me. Don’t live a lie HG, the pushing and pulling is the best part.