Jealous of Your Contentment
Granting you contentment is part of our design when we seduce you and grant you the golden period. The provision of your contentment at that juncture in our entanglement provides the luscious positive fuel to flow in our direction and all is well. We truly do delight in seeing you content with the illusion that we have woven for you. It is when you and us move into the stages of devaluation and discard that we regard your state of contentment in a wholly different manner,
During devaluation if we witness you appearing content, we are overcome with jealousy. Why should you be allowed to sit there satisfied, happy and relaxed? Why do you not suffer the repeated unease of the desire to gain fuel when those supplies become low? We look across the room at you, your features composed in an expression of peace. The envy rises and we despise the fact that you are sat in pleasant repose, seemingly all at ease with the world. We invariably associate that your composed appearance is achieved in order to annoy and frustrate us. You know don’t you? You know that we have this churning fury inside us which shifts and slides. You know that we have the growing hunger for fuel and how this creates a restlessness in us. You know all of this and yet you sit there, revelling in our discomfort. If you cared you would not be enjoying that book, talking on the ‘phone to a friend or watching your favourite television programme. No, if you loved us properly then you would be ensuring that this restlessness was banished and that our sense of power and might was reinstated. Your content state is being bandied about in front of us, teasing and provoking. You are mocking us because you are achieving something that is denied to us at that time. How dare you behave in this manner? How dare you forget about our needs? This is symptomatic of the selfishness we knew you possessed and now you wave it in our faces suggesting that somehow we are inferior to you. This will not do.
Your contentment at this stage amounts to a provocation and is tantamount to a criticism of us. You have achieved contentment whilst we experience restlessness and you know this don’t you? Oh, we know that you will pretend to be unaware of what you are doing, but we know your game. We are not fooled by these protestations of innocence so when we fling the dinner plate to the floor, shattering the plate and silence, causing you to jump up in fright, you knew it was coming. The plate lies broken and your contentment in one swift move is similarly smashed. You are not allowed to be content unless it is by our say so. We want you on tenterhooks, your nervous eyes looking to us for approval and consent. Exhibit any sign of being relaxed, at ease or content and we will take action to destroy that state in an instant. We will pick a fight, create an argument, call you a name, break something, interrupt you with an insult walk out and slam the door and so many other actions all designed to remove you from your contented position. When we see you like that, you remind us of what we cannot achieve at that time and we hate you for it.
It becomes worse when the relationship has ended. Whether you escaped us or we discarded you, there will come a point when we turn our sights on you again in order to extract that wonderful hoover fuel. It may be weeks or months later but we will have been undertaking observations in order to determine the most effective way of hoovering you. If we see you getting on with your life, radiating happiness and an air of contentment it infuriates us hugely. How dare you seem happy without us? You are meant to be broken and distraught, that is how the aftermath is supposed to be. Admittedly, it usually is, but every so often we may find that one of our victims has seized the power and advanced his or her position, forging through the emotion and formulating their recovery. It may be the case that we have seen you on one of the few good days, the bad days taking place where the world cannot see, but that does not matter to us. Should we witness you looking well, smiling, having lost weight, or looking fitter, dressing elegantly, meeting friends with laughter and smiles it wounds us considerably. You seem to have forgotten us. You are bound to us, forever, have you forgotten that this is the case? You are at our beck and call until the day either of us breathes our last, yet here you are striding across the street, hair glossy and styled, posture confident and uplifted and meeting somebody with a kiss and a broad smile. This was not meant to happen. You exude contentment, a confidence that we thought was shattered and unlikely to be rebuilt for some time. How did this happen? Who has caused this transformation from the sobbing wretch we left without so much as a goodbye to the contented person we now look at from the shadows? It may be a one-off, it may be a glimpse of something that is a work in progress, but such considerations do not matter when we see it. We are wounded by this display. You appear to no longer need us. Where is the stooped figure? The haunted individual with dark-circled eyes and pallid skin? Where is the comfort-eater that we mocked so horribly? Where has the lank-haired, nervous shuffling person we tormented gone to? This was not meant to happen. Ever.
Seeing you so content post escape or post discard is a massive criticism to us. The lesser or mid-range of our kind will most likely slink away, regarding this show of strength (temporary even though it may be) as evidencing somebody with defences high and radar warily sensitive. Any hoover would be doomed to hoover and might even result in further injurious harm. No, the lesser or mid-range will retreat and return to the new prospect that has been acquired and other sources of fuel and make a mental note that a hoover at this juncture is unlikely to meet with success. The Greater of our kind will seethe and glower, dismayed and wounded by this peacock performance. Unseen, we will send baleful glares your way as we formulate a way to pierce this shield of contentment. Schemes will be concocted once again in order to hammer this contentment into nothingness. The Greater may, if sufficiently motivated, spring forward and unless malign actions for the purpose of drawing negative fuel, preferring to adopt such a tactic rather than seek to draw the target back in. It is time to lash out and destroy rather than capture. Our fury is ignited and our calculating minds will ascertain that this can only be a veneer. It is far too soon for you to appear to content again, no matter how much it appears genuine. We want to halt the recovery before it gathers any more momentum and thus the Greater will unleash a savage malign hoover, smearing and hurling insults, dredging up those historic vulnerabilities in order to break the contentment again, just as we did those many months ago during devaluation. The ignited fury drives the Greater forward to shatter, break and destroy and if successful, then he or she knows that further malign assaults can be rolled out to cripple the recovery. Once the recovery has been derailed, the contentment eradicated and the veneer of confidence stripped, then the golden period can be dangled again before the quivering victim.
It never does to see you contented. This is why when we see it during devaluation you will suffer and adverse reaction. Following the cessation of the relationship it wounds us considerably and will generate a certain response dependent on the type of our kind that you were entangled with. The maintenance of contentment is indeed a blow against us.
56 thoughts on “Jealous of Your Contentment”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
“Seeing you so content post escape or post discard is a massive criticism to us. The Greater may, if sufficiently motivated, spring forward and unless malign actions for the purpose of drawing negative fuel, preferring to adopt such a tactic rather than seek to draw the target back in.”
Does it mean that you hoover to re-establish formal relationship only when the victim seems sad and devastated? If she seems quite happy, you are mean to draw negative fuel, to make her weak once again and then when she cries and asks you to stop you are ready to draw her back in?
Not necessarily but it will be harder to resurrect the Formal Relationship (but not impossible) if the victim is with a new partner, therefore drawing fuel only is often a better option.
I have noticed that before I went no contact, my ex narc was super mean to me when he saw me happy – he wanted to destroy my contentment. And also he was fishing for the signs of sadness – when he thought I’m in the nostalgic mood he acted like a knight on a white horse trying to console me and make me vulnerable.
Another great article that I’m sort of getting strange vibes from. About a year after me getting discarded, my gas tank got sugar dumped into it (late June this year). Picked up a new set of wheels shortly thereafter, but made sure to get a night vision security camera, which I mounted in such a way that you’d actually have to be in my driveway to see it. I saw a few unusual visits in my driveway where they peeled out within seconds of observing the infrared light.
Started going out with family and friends again and posting pictures on facebook of the smiles and good times. Especially over the past month.
In the past week, I’ve had a brand-new facebook member try to friend me, and an indeed.com friend invite from a name I’ve never heard of from the town she’s in.
Obviously it’s her. Considering I totally blew off a hoover attempt by my ex-wife, three years into my relationship with “the Greater”. What possible chance does she think she has? No chance I want anything to do with her, and it’s obvious she’s spying on my social media.
I’ve been “no contact” since last November.
And why in hell do they create facebook profiles and try to add me as a friend on the exact same day? That’s just plain stupid. Create 10 profiles, add pictures and info occasionally. Nurture all accounts. Then when it’s six months down the line, with a bit of history (and perhaps fake friends), try to make a way to move in?
It really strikes me as stupid that she wouldn’t try something more clever, and these things tend to be spontaneous.
Is the “fury” as you described it, something overwhelming that makes you forget how to be cunning and pre-plan reactions to other eventualities? I can see her FB profile pic (never click on it as I don’t want to open her page) from comments on pictures still on my profile. She tends to update her picture almost immediately after I update mine. Other than her profile pic changing, I have no information about anything on social media. That’s “no contact, but I can have a little peek in that direction occasionally.” She has zero way of knowing I can do that.
Thank you for blog HG – I truly appreciate your posts.
This is all so interesting. And terrifying. To quote the Weeknd: “I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe.” The tear down of me. He sees me everyday at work happy and friendly to others. When he texted that he was envious of me, my blood ran cold. What to do?
Aah!! I now see. HG Tudor – Thank you soooo much for this insight. Perhaps he was not a “greater”….how could he be a greater if his omnipotence could not see that negative fuel is beneath me; I walk away from negativity (eventually ; ). And how very sad that he cannot feel joy from another’s contentment….I wish that someday he can. -K
Well this explains a lot. I always wondered why people would clearly not like me being happy. Often flinging subtle or non subtle digs. Man that makes sense. i wanna say literally everyone who i’ve known for a long time has done this at one point or another.
Yes. I knew it!
HG,
I just read that narcissistic men like extroverted women best. The reason was because these types of women get bored easy and will attach quicker to the narc for the excitement. They tend to get lonely when excitement is low. So targeted because of loneliness and competitive personality. The narc finds this extra enticing to break them by destroying their extroverted behavior, winning the competition by gaining complete control, using the damage to strip them of their personality thus exerting his superiority over the outgoing capable woman. What is your opinion please?
It depends on the type of narcissist as to whether someone who is extroverted or introverted will suit their purposes more effectively. Some may approach it in the way you describe, others would find that too much energy expenditure and prefer a path of lesser resistance.
Hi PTSD .
Have you read Sex & the narcissist?
Hi NSS, yes i read ‘Sex and the Narcissist.’ It was thoroughly … er… interesting!
Yes indeedy Ptsd.. Very x
My ex doesn’t hate it when i’m content. He says he wants me to be happy. I tend to believe him. However, he does say that pple who he sees laughing, ie. content, are lucky.
I used to read a lot of accounts from men who were unhappy in their relationships and this was the most commonly reported thing, their wife hated to see them content or happy.
Ha Brian! I’ve heard that before too. Actually verbatim from one of my ex-narc’s about his ex.
Him: She hated my happiness. I just took a trip with my best friend to see his elderly parents.
Me thinking: you stayed at his parents’ house because it was free and went on a weekend binger of booz, sex, and drugs.
oh, that must be projection.
Going on a trip with your best friend to see his elderly parents 🙂 lol
The cover story always makes them out to be a saint, and how dare you accuse someone so good of doing anything untoward etc.
Hello HC,
This article got my attention. I will soon see the narcissist I have been involved with for the first time in few months since I have gone no contact. It will be a business function and I cannot avoid it. I have moved on, I am doing well – my old happy self. Reading “Jelous of yor contentment” got me thinking: will I expose myself to his attacks if I appear all happy and content ? I remember in the past, whenever he did something cruel or hurtful I would withdraw and get on with my life, and I am by nature a happy person. I noticed – and realized it only now, reading what you wrote – that this would quickly bring him back. He would then ask: how are you ? Is everything ok ? And I could not help to feel that the happier I have appeared, the more of that I shared with him (e,g., telling him about my recent trip or achievement, or a hobby I have discovered during his absence) – the more disappointed he seemed .. soon more attacks would follow. And I was constantly amazed: why would he come back, displayed a concern about my well being, and then continue to hurt me ..? Now I know this was not a concern. It was envy. And hate.
I don’t want to live through it again .. if he sees me all right and happy. Scared what he will do – I have been ignoring his hoovers for months. He must be hurting.
What should I do at that meeting ? Pretend I am miserable ? Pretend I am happy to see him and missed him – so he gets his fuel ? You told me fe days ago (thank you for answering) you have been targeted by a narcissist before – does that mean they can be fooled that way ? Fed false emotions ? Because I am assuming that narcissist would not have come after you had he known who you were. Maybe I can try to do the same ?
I will appreciate any directions you can provide.
I have been reading through your archives and have discovered the intermittent primary source? Can you direct me to more articles on this? I feel I have come across this situation.
Thank you! Very well written. I learn something new all the time even when I thought myself an expert at this stage. I did know that it wounds them to see is happy but this was only understood superficially. I now understand this on a much deeper level. Email counseling soon as I find the time.
I received a text from a number I don’t recognize on my work phone (number is 1 of 3 on the emergency list on the back door of my store with no names listed) mine is the local the other two out of state, does this up the stakes so to speak with him? It’s not my personal number but the one I use for work purposes. Will he now believe he has my personal number? FYI I didn’t text back He has never known me to have two phones.
Love, love, love, love this one.
I can feel the power surge !!
Thank you 😘
No need to answer HG. I got the answer in Raising the hoover criteria bar. Thank you. I appreciate your knowledge
No problem and you are welcome.
Even though your text is about something different, you show a jar full with money. That reminds me of my personal devil. I discovered him masturbating in front of a huge amount of money. He looked at his money and was masturbating. What an absurd and surreal situation! That shows his crazy mind.
Hi Mona . I think you should read “Sex and the narcissist ” .. Apparently narcs will ” come over anything ” that provides them with power…
Hello NotsoSad,
thank you for your advice. I took a look in “Sex and the Narcissist”. Most of the content I knew before, it was nothing new. (It sounds a little bit arrogant, it isn`t meant like that) My personal devil told me all that stuff. I could not believe it. Yes, we are only a mean for them, that’s all , a puppet to use.
The only thing he really enjoyed, he really longed for, was scratching his back. Then he purred like a cat. It was much more important than sex. (although we had much sex) He always said that I have healing hands. I believe, that no one stroked him, when he was a little child. So he replaced it by scratching. No danger for him. Masturbating is all he knows or better he is able to enjoy … and he was totally convinced that every man feels like he does!
But masturbating on money? I think, that is new even for H.G.
Hi Mona,
You’re comment doesn’t sound arrogant at all 🙂
I’m not the best person to describe the dynamics of your relationship but I know that there was control there .
Masturbation over money ? Narcs love them both so why not . In the non narc world that we live in it sounds gross, but then they don’t live in ours .
Thank you for replying .. In the meantime ..
HG can you help with Monas post? thank you .
People figuratively masturbate over money so it is entirely conceivable that it would be done literally.
Thanks HG .
You posted a while ago about Narcs & their ” relationship ” with money if I remember ? Any chance you could re blog it please ?
Mona, you wrote:
“I took a look in ‘Sex and the Narcissist’. Most of the content I knew before, it was nothing new. (It sounds a little bit arrogant, it isn`t meant like that)… ”
Oh, but i think it is meant like that. If i recall correctly, HG states that he is a ‘sexual olymplian’ in ‘Sex and the Narcissist.’ Talk abt arrogant!!
I think she meant she was not being arrogant when she explained that she recognised much of the content of the book.
Oh i see.
But you are arrogant in ‘Sex and the Narcissist’ would you not agree? You think you’re god’s gift to women etc. Btw, i never knew the word ‘bed’ could be used as a verb as in ‘to bed someone’ until i read your works lol!!
No, I just give you the facts.
Facts or opinion dear G?
Mona, no offense but I get this image of a horny toad, clutching onto a tower of gold coins with one arm and it’s other arm busy as you explain. A face framing a wide grin while raising up on back legs in it’s afternoon, glory. I recall a gf with an elite narc, stating this: “As much as I would love to lash out at him, you just can’t beat your cheque book”, $$$ is another extension of them. She also said, if you want to get to your narc, hit him where it hurts (his cheque book). Seems very contradictory but I get it, timing is everything.
Whattttttt ?!!!!! Lol
Also when he discarded you and blocked you/ disappear etc like you describe in silent or discard. How does he know that you are distraught over him?
Previous behaviours.
Ok thnx. I know what the HEC is. But does lowering the bar for the HEC to be met means he is less likely to hoover or more likely. Does lowering the bar means easier for him to hoover or harder for him to hoover. Just clarifying thanx. Im a bit confused
I must say i enjoy getting responses straight from the horses mouth. What happens if you publicly exposed him and tore him to shreds like he did to you and you did it without emotion but silently collected proof and evidence and manipulated him for a long time and then produced evidence to these people. In other words they were so disgusted they called you and told you everything he had done. In other words the rose glasses are off? He knows you see him for actually quite a pitiful character. A yellow custard. Would he still think the victim is pining for him due to past behaviours. Even once the victim knows they were in love with his false self and he’s aware they know.
Massive wounding Frankie.
So what happens if you are not content? Is that good fuel? Also will he only hoover if he sees you content?
If you are not content, that pleases us. The Hoover occurs in accordance with the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria.
Ok thanx. But you not being content makes him think that you are weak and repulsive right? Does that not mean he will be less likely to hoover you?
If you are not content, you are perceived to still want us, that you remain emotionally infected and therefore this will lower the bar on the HEC.
My dear, I hope you don’t see me ‘appear’ to be content – I AM.
I often think of sending him postcards with our contentment, to rub salt into the wound. But that would be giving him attention, wouldn’t it? It would also injure him, again and again. And I would find such pleasure in that. The fight to be a better person and forget him entirely, or stab him with a red hot poker again and again, for my own amusement.
I could always say God put me up to it. 🙂
Excellent post.
HG it would be extremely helpful if you could write specifically about the narcissist’s lack of object constancy: how you experience it and how it contributes to behaviors such infidelity and hoovering. I think it is very difficult for most people to understand what it is to live with the incapacity to see other people as trustworthy, consistent, etc.
Hello Alan, thank you for your suggestion. I have written about this with reference to compartmentalisation, the innate paranoia that we have, how we delete you in our minds once discarded and how this influences our behaviours in love bombing – for instance repeatedly texting and telephoning. I will look at pulling these various strands together into one article though.
Hi HG 🙂
I have been a great admirer and loyal follower through all of your seminal works.
I have read many a Masterpieces of writing that went on toward a very definite Magnus opera.
There continues to be no “Jumping the Shark” with you as of late with these articles in quantity and increased quality.
I thank-you.
I therefore offer you now the title of “Guild Master”
Much respect.
yours truly.
<3.
Perhaps what your kind can’t see is how our kind is multi dimensionsal. Capable of misery and contentment and joy and hatred simulataneously. It’s our superior capacity to contain all of it that you envy.
Shrodinger’s Empath. Who knew?
Do you mean Schrödinger, the physicist?
Lol we can be simultaneously alive and dead – miserable and joyful 😁
You are so clever Mr. Tudor!