The Carrier Empath
The Carrier Empath. A particular type of empathetic individual who naturally gains the attention of our kind. As I have explained before, our kind are drawn to empathetic individuals who fall within one of the classes of empath. Those classes consist of The Empath, The Super Empath and The Co-Dependent. The Carrier Empath is a particular division of those classes and therefore can be found amidst any of those classes. The Carrier Empath is not a stand-alone form of empath but rather is embodied by exhibiting Carrier tendencies which “bolt on” to the relevant class of empathic individual.
The Carrier Empath shoulders, more than others, the emotional burden. This person rarely talks about themselves, although they have much they could talk about, either as a consequence of their natural intelligence which lends itself to considerable discourse, their ability to connect with people and engage in what could be termed as small talk so people are put at ease or because of their extensive experiences they have much they could share with other people. The Carrier Empath does not see it as necessary to talk about themselves. All empaths are good listeners, it is one of the empathic traits which our kind look for, but the Carrier Empath is a superlative listener. Exhibiting considerable patience, he or she will sit and listen to the woes and problems of others. They do not jump to conclusions, as many people would, instinctively forming a view of the person they are engaging with, within moments of meeting. Instead, the Carrier Empath is able to resist making an early judgement about this person and will listen to what they have to say, so they can best work out how to assist. The Carrier Empath knows full well that sometimes just being listened to is the best thing for another person.
Those with Carrier tendencies are work-like in their approach, reliable, organised and effective when facing pressure. They regard it as their role to take on responsibility for others and struggle to determine the boundary of when they should not do so. They are unable to avoid taking on other people’s issues and problems and feel a need to assist but to do so through actions and a practical application of their compassion, honesty, decency and understanding.
The Carrier Empath is not a person who overflows with emotion but is certainly not devoid of it. Their emotion does not appear in surges and spikes, histrionic reactions as a consequence of the situation which they find themselves in but rather as a steady and reliable provider of fuel through their evident compassion and supportive nature. Whilst caught in the dizzying devaluation, some empaths will find themselves despairing and having up days and down days whilst they experience the push and pull behaviours, the Carrier Empath adopts a stoic approach. Inside he or she may be churning but they do their best to maintain a brave face as they seek to remain dependable and forging forward. This person is solid and dependable. They are not a dullard, but they do not shine and glow like other empathic individuals. They are grounded, practical, pragmatic and excellent problem solvers.
The Carrier Empath is unable to leave responsibility with others. They regard it as their task to be responsible for other people and they rarely judge the flaws of others, but rather see it as an opportunity for them to shoulder the burden. They will remain with those who suffer from addictions, seeing it as part of their obligation to remain and fight the fight on behalf of the afflicted. The Carrier Empath readily takes on the problems of others and will do so even when this becomes a drain on his or her resources, such as time and money. They may have somewhere they need to be but if the telephone call is continuing because the caller needs help and assistance, the Carrier Empath will continue to listen.
There is a strong sense of obligation on the part of the Carrier Empath. Whilst empaths as whole feel obligation, the empath will assist because they feel good about doing so, in a way, they gain a form of their own fuel from helping others. The Co-Dependent will usually help because he or she has to do so, being of a giving nature in order to find validation for themselves in terms of their place in the order of things. The Super Empath relished the challenge that is presented and regards it as an opportunity to exhibit their powers. Layer the Carrier Empath onto any of those classes and you add a complexion of obligation – the relevant class of empath does it because that is what should be done, that is the right thing to do and they have an obligation to care. They will recognise that the task in hand may be difficult, they will note that it will drain them but their fearsome sense of duty causes them to be the first to volunteer and the last to give up.
This division of empathic individual is certainly compassionate but approaches matters in a practical manner rather than “hearts and flowers” and whilst they will certainly use words to comfort, to support and to show empathy they prefer to rely on actions. If someone is suffering, rather than hand out tea and sympathy, the Carrier Empath will assume the mantle of the problem themselves and tackle it head on. They are especially apt at standing in the shoes of somebody in order to absorb the blast on behalf of someone who is struggling or wants their help. They are the proverbial person who would take a bullet.
Such individuals are prized by our kind, but by certain narcissists in particular. There is the provision of fuel, that has to always be there, but it does not always fountain from the Carrier Empath. Greaters tend not to choose those with Carrier Empath tendencies as a primary source because the gushing appreciation is not the style of the Carrier Empath, furthermore, the Greater tends to be more resourceful and therefore has less need of this element of the Carrier Empath. Instead, the Carrier Empath is desired by the Lesser and Mid-Range schools and especially so by the Victim Narcissist.
The Victim Narcissist derives fuel from the provision of care and compassion. His less impressive countenance is not one which results in gushing praise and over-the-top appreciation. Accordingly, the exhibition of care and compassion gives him the fuel he wants plus the residual benefits he requires and this is always preferable to the empath who gushes with praise but does little in the way of practical care. Thus those with Carrier tendencies are more suited to the Victim Narcissist.
Furthermore, the Carrier Empath comes with considerable residual benefits in terms of the provision of caring for someone with poor health, dealing with chores and problems on that person’s behalf, providing food, shelter, money and such like and therefore this raft of residual benefits appeals to Lesser Narcissists in particular and naturally the Victim Narcissist from the Lesser School.
The Carrier’s capacity for “taking the bullet” results in them also having appeal to the Mid-Range Narcissist. The passive aggressive Mid-Range Narcissist who finds that he is not able to get his way with a third party will invariably turn to the Carrier Empath to step up on his or her behalf and get the problem sorted. If weakened from a lack of fuel and potential criticism from this third party, the Mid-Range will turn to the Carrier Empath to make everything alright again and the Carrier Empath will dutifully attend to his.
During devaluation the Carrier Empath is wounded and confused by the manipulations used against him or her, but their sense of duty carries them forward and they will often fall victim to the narcissist’s capacity to blame others. Accordingly, if the narcissist blames his outburst on being overworked, the Carrier Empath will accept this explanation and will look at ways of alleviating the load on the narcissist, by taking more on him or herself or even going so far as to challenge the boss of the narcissist to secure a reduction in workload. The narcissist knows that with a Carrier Empath he can in effect point that person in the direction of a problem and the Carrier Empath will march into battle on his behalf. Again, this is why the Greater has less of a need for those with Carrier tendencies and why those of a Lesser or Mid-Range school have more reliance on the Carrier.
Devaluation causes those with Carrier tendencies to battle on in the hope of resolving the narcissist’s problems. The Carrier is less inclined to blame themselves. They do not see themselves as the cause of the problems which the narcissist alludes to during devaluation, but rather only blame themselves for not resolving those problems. The Carrier is blinded to understanding that there is no fix, but regards every problem as having a solution which will, with the right application of energy and resource, eventually present itself. The worse the narcissist becomes during devaluation, the more those with the Carrier tendency will apply themselves to trying to sort the problem out and usually identifies an external source (wrongly) as the source of the problem and is ultimately sent on a wild goose chase trying to tackle this external source whilst the problems continue unabated.
If the relevant narcissist does not have a primary source with Carrier tendencies it is likely that one will be recruited as a secondary source. This is more likely with the Greater who will prefer the primary source to be fountaining with fuel (rather than providing a host of residual benefits) and to have a secondary source who can be turned to as and when required, perhaps at moments of crisis, to be utilised for their Carrier traits. Whilst the Lesser and Mid-Range narcissist and especially the Victim Narcissist cadre of those two schools will want a Carrier Empath as a primary source, the Greater will position one as a secondary source since they make excellent Lieutenants.
It is common to find that the scape-goated child of a narcissist, if they avoid becoming a narcissist themselves, tends to exhibit strong Carrier tendencies because they realise that by getting things done, having to attend to their own needs because the narcissistic parent has abandoned their duties at an early stage and also having to parent the narcissistic parent, is the most effective method of surviving. They care but do so without “showiness” and deliver in a practical and dependable manner.
It is also worth noting that as some narcissists age they will gravitate more to securing a primary source who is a Carrier Empath. Though fuel remains important, the need for the residual benefits becomes increasingly important for those narcissists who see their looks fading, their mobility decreasing and therefore suffer a reduction in their ability to charm and attract. Of course, this is not applicable to all of our kind, since many become distinguished with age, have the magnetism that comes from financial power and their innate charisma and sharp mind remain undulled. However, for those that see the waning of their powers, the Carrier Empath becomes more attractive to them.
32 thoughts on “The Carrier Empath”
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This is me. The fact that I never give compliment and admiration and the so called “fuel” to the narc really confused me and left me wondering whether I was an empath at all. But i get it now. I am of the carrier cadre.
Feeling unworthy of love. Check.
Not talking about self at all. Check.
Not overflowing with emotions and admiration. Check.
Wanting to fix and solve problems practically. Check.
End up putting the blame for the narc behavior on someone else. (Wrongly so). Check.
Excellent excellent listener. Double Check.
No self blame. Check.
HG, Thank you.
You are welcome.
Same here, sister!
My EDC said: I´m from the cadre Carrier too. 🙂
Having a narcissistic parent: [x]
Solving problems practically [x]
Staying calm and analytic in difficult situations [x]
Taking too much responsibility [x]
No self blame [x]
Compassionate and caring [xx] absolutely!
Rarely give compliment and admiration [x]
Had been ensnared by a passive-aggressive mid range narc [x]
Had been recruited as secondary source [x]
Narc turns to Carrier to get a problem solved [x]
Narc wanted care and compassion, but didn´t get any admiration (not from me) [x]
The EDC was very good and very accurate.
Hi Leela.
I was ensnared by a Somatic narc. Not sure which school though. Could be Mid-ranger. I just wanted to solve his problems.
“They will recognise that the task in hand may be difficult, they will note that it will drain them but their fearsome sense of duty causes them to be the first to volunteer and the last to give up.”
I knew all along that my marriage would not work, but the obligation of healing or saving him made me marry him and hold on to a dead and toxic relationship.
I have no idea why I’m drawn to narcissists. Or it’s the other way round maybe.. not sure. But when I’m around one, all sense and sensibility goes to the drain. All logic replaced my “emotional thinking” as HG calls it. The ADDICTION! Not sure how to program myself to behave otherwise.
How do I find out before it leads to being shredded again?
You consult with me.
Definitely seems like a great idea. But, you know, this time of year, being a single parent… probably going to be several months before I can pull that off. Lol! We’ll see I s’pose!
Holy cow, HG… this is me almost as if poured from a mold D:
My mother has had mental issues most of my life, is currently diagnosed as Bipolar but thinking now that she has PTSD because I have PTSD. I really suspect that she is a narcissist and had paved the way for me to have years of abuse by narcissists and other abusers because for my first 34 years of life, I did NOT believe the way she treated me was wrong. I didn’t actually realize that her abuse was wrong until I finally reached out for therapy after my seriously damaging and abusive 8 year narc situation. She is a recovering meth addict, spent years as a meth dealer and my two older brothers and their girlfriends were the ones “cooking” the meth.
When I was 12 and found drug paraphernalia, I did what I was told to do by anti-drug programs and told the principal at my school that my mom needed help. They asked my two younger brothers if they knew anything about the drug stuff and my brothers agreed. The principal called the police and they made my mother come in to talk to them and then she talked them out of it, saying that she had no problem and found it while taking us kids to the park (which she never did even once). The police officers and my principal believed her. My younger brothers denied ever agreeing and talking to the principal at all. Once she and I were alone, my mother grabbed me by my shirt and threatened to have my older brothers “do away with” me if I ever did anything like that again.
And when I was 12 and informed her that I was being sexually abused by one of my brothers, she took me to be examined to make sure it was true. The police became involved. After all the evidence had proved it and the police wanted to make an arrest on my brother, she confronted him to admit the truth. He did, and she insisted I write a letter to my school and the police department, etc., stating that I lied about the whole thing and was afraid my mom would find out that I wasn’t a virgin anymore because I’d had sex with a boy from school. Of course, I wrote the letter. What else was I to do based on the previous situation when I defied her?
By the time I was 13, I was the adult. I cooked dinner, I shopped at the store and I kept the house clean. I was afraid not to. If I didn’t do as she said (it was my responsibility, after all, as a girl) she would throw dishes, mirrors, or glass ashtrays at me. I can’t tell you how many times we had to replace whole sets of dishes. When I was 16, I was the only one with a job, paying the bills, despite my 21 and 26 year old brothers and my mother living with me. When I was 19 and attempted to seek therapy for the first time, she insisted that I not tell the therapist about the sexual abuse or anything else because “it was in the past and didn’t matter now”, so I never told anyone about it until I was 35, after I finally accepted that something in my past is what was causing me issues. When my mother “got clean” and left the meth behind, I was her “cheerleader”. I’ve been told so many times that I seem to understand everything so well and be such a great help even though I never lived through (random situation).
When things blew up with my mother and I would question anything she stated, I would get “You were always my cheerleader, sister… what has changed now?” and would immediately get the worst emotional abuse imaginable, insisting that I enjoyed being sexually abused and that she wished I had died instead of my father, etc. And somehow, through it all, I had fallen convinced that these were things that mothers did to protect the sanctity of her family. Somehow I knew it was wrong, because I refused to ever have that kind of relationship with my children. I never used drugs even experimentally. Never tried even once. I knew I would never allow someone to just get away with abusing my child, even if it was another one of my children. Yet still, I didn’t think she was wrong enough to warrant stopping the abuse from her to myself.
Every romantic relationship I’ve been in since I was 22 has been abusive as hell, until now. Not sure if the others were narcissists, but I know without a doubt that the last one was. But seeing that I fit this Carrier Empath description so well, I can spot where it caused me the issue of allowing these jerks into my life! I’m just blown away right now. I clicked on this post specifically because it was linked along with the “Fuel Matrix part two” post which almost definitely fits my ex as well as Carrier Empath fits me. I really have a LONG road to recovery, don’t I? 🙁
I forgot to mention the part where the LMR is what fits my ex perfectly. His main pull to everyone, including me but after our split, was to devour every drop of sympathy he could muster up in a crowd. In fact, that’s how we became friends in the beginning, which led to my nightmare for the next 8 years.
And now, I sit here worried that my current boyfriend may be a narcissist, claiming introvert.
There is a way to find out.
In the same way as the narcissist uses the empath as “fuel”. The carrier empath uses the narcissist as “fuel” to better understand the parts of them they shunned years ago. I disagree only with a comment on here being can the carrier empath be more then one type of an empath. You said no. The carrier empath IS a super empath or magnetic empath. They are just afraid of taking the lime light from there narcissistic parent as a young child so they stop allowing themselves to be anything other then selfless. As well as afraid of the emotions allowing there full self would bring. They are co-dependent in nature in terms of feeling like they need the narcissistic person to grow and ultimately survive. It doesn’t feel natural for the carrier empath to grow individually without the help of others emotions to thrive on, most importantly the narcissistic person emotions. They seek out people who are detached from there feelings in the hope of finding the persons feelings and “saving” them ultimately allowing the carrier empath to finally feel valuable. It’s a deeply embedded cycle. The need for the emotions of the narcissist and the need to never be allowed there own independence. This makes the carrier empath a prime target and it also makes the carrier empath SEEK out your kind. This is also the reason a carrier empath stays as long as they do. They believe they are “evil” or inheritantly “bad” to them there is nothing unnatural about the way there partner treats them. In fact the carrier empath is also seeking ways to ultimately control the narcissist. This relationship between the two only ends when the carrier empath finds there true strength. And finally starts to accept and feel there own emotions.
Hello Rachel, your comments on the carrier empath are really interesting. Could you help me find more information? Thanks
Thank you for your blog. You are very intuitive.
You are welcome.
The reason for being a CARRIER empath is in turn related to the abuse endured as a child whilst always carrying the shame and guilt of the narcissistic parent. So instead of using your full ability in terms of empathic traits you shut off anything that reminds you of the narcissistic qualities in your abusive parent. You learn to hate anything that brings out the traits the narcissistic parent carries because as a shield you developed the identity of “carrier”. You feel extreme guilt in feeling your own feelings. Your feelings were never validated as a child so you began to get your emotional release on understanding and working through others pain and grief. Being with a narcissist allowed you to understand the parts of you that were still inside of you the selfish, self-loving parts of you. At a young age you decided were bad or evil because the narcissistic parent always projected on to you there own selfishness and self loathing behavior you picked up these traits and shunned them. Instead on focusing on becoming a better person you began to focus on making the narcissist a better person. The carrier empath is deeply attracted to the narcissistic personality for the parts of themselves they forgot to let grow shine brightest in these personalities. Also it is a representation of a life long dutifully ritual of self sacrifice. The carrier empath is capable of becoming the super empath or even magnetic empath. But similar to the narcissist they didn’t let a part of themselves ever grow causing a split. Carrier empath feel deeply unworthy of love
Damn! I get it. This is the missing puzzle piece. Thank you for sharing.
You are welcome.
HG, what would life be like for the Greater (very distinguished) if he did marry a Carrier Empath? What would it be like in the beginning, as opposed to 20 years later (now in their 50’s)? Would it be much different than if he ended up with any other type?
He would have someone who would stick around for the long haul and who would provide residual benefits in the way of practicality, caring and domestic duties. It is likely the residual benefits have increased in importance to the Greater over time but not to a massive extent as they are only in their 50s.
Yes it would be different.
Thanks for this post. Puts my situation into the perspective and verifies my understanding why I was never and never even designed to be his primary girlfriend.
I was the other woman (or one of many of them, I believe there was usually 3 to 4 of us simultaneously..) for very charming Greater. And in the beginning it was it was hard to understand why he would not leave his girlfriend, if he didn’t feel with her like he felt with me and he said he hadn’t loved anyone ever like me but said he was afraid to make a mistake if being with me and leaving his girlfriend. His girlfriend seems after 3 years still very in love and posts every single good thing her boyfriend does to social media with praises. I would have never done that. It was strange how superficial and also easily pleased, secure searching his gf seemed. Not having really any hobbies and biggest interest were movies and tv shows. When with me he enjoyed experiencing new things, sports, hours long analysis of human nature, and hours long sex. I tried for months to make him see that he could live some much more adventurous life when it seemed that only thing they did with the primary source was watching tv. I gave him long talks about all the potential I saw in him, tried to empathize and understand and solve how he could live a better life again and do stuff and see the world. If not with me then somebody else more exciting than that poor girl always waiting him at home. And later how he should stop lying to his gf and build new life, if not with me (at some point I did not even wanted the relationship any more as I realized I could ever trust him, his cheating was so harsh and gf still has no idea that I exist), then someone more exciting. Though, now I understand that she was very secure source and believed all his lies. When I was always over analyzing (though simultaneously empathizing) and caught his lies very easily even though I did not always say to him that I realize he is lying. I still let him re-establish our affair several times after having “let end this discussion” (these discussions must have been HUGE source of fuel for him).
Dear HG, could you make a posts also from perspective of managing your secondary sources? Especially other women. There is not much discussion about us, but I believe there are many of us, who try to understand how we were seduced to this position and why do they keep coming back to our lives when simultaneously presenting their “wonderful” relationship they are in and not willing to commit to us and leave the primary.
Hello The Other, keep an eye out for Get the Balance Right.
I’m looking forward to reading this, as well.
At least I now know what I am
Hi HG. Cane one be a Carrier Empath to a Victim Narcissist and the be the Supernova Empath to a Greater? (My son being Victim, the ex the Greater).
Thanks heaps.
Hello Lisa, it is the Super Empath. The Empathic Supernova is an occurrence rather than a type of empath.
Hmmm thanks HG. I established (to myself) I am a Super Empath of the Supernova variety. Was living with the Greater Cerebral. After reading more, I find my son is a Victim. To his advantage I seem to be a Carrier Empath.
Perhaps Im confused. (Trust me….easily done).
Hence the question, can we change OUR type of Empath to suit the narcissist.
Still wondering……
You may alter certain traits during the dynamic but you will not alter the essential nature of what you are.
Thanks HG. That makes more sense to me. I find it easy to get bogged down with all the {branches} that lead off from the main sourse of topic, if you know what I mean. 🤔
HG
You have in one piece of writing explained my life with my parents, my nature and why I behave as I do. Furthermore, why my husband hunted me down, and despite my own red flags, married him and tried to fix him for 25 years. I have now escaped and I am content – I tried my best, so can look back and not regret ending it. The regret I have is not having done it sooner.
Thank you for writing this.
So what is an Empath to do? We eventually get bored with ‘normal’ people and will always be attracted to and by Narcissists. We are attracted to the ‘challenge’ the narc brings.
Oh my God.
So much resonates with me, H G, thank you so much for your insights!
So, yeah.. identity disturbance I have is part of my c-ptsd… From the 3 narc parents in my life.
I am only able to ID my ex as a Greater Cerebral… now I know why I didn’t really have a Golden Period. He’d rather have a less damaged Empath than me.
I escaped, but I have confessed my obsession with you revenge book, and the revenge campaign.
You helped me understand why No Contact I think is the best thing…
Thinking about losing to him when I hate him so deeply …
And maybe I don’t have the leverage I thought I did.
H G, you think I should leave well enough alone with the GC ex?
💜
Thank you so much for any insight you can provide, H G!!
Your Very Fond Admirer,
Ashley
(Freckle Meadow)