Raising the Hoover Bar
The hoover. It is one of the most discussed periods of the narcissistic entanglement. I am referring to it in the traditional sense, namely the three post-discard/escape hoovers, although as you will be aware from my works, there are other hoovers throughout the interaction between us and you.
There are most likely two reasons for the post discard/escape hoover being a prime topic of discussion. First, by the time you have worked out what you are dealing with you will have already experienced the seduction, devaluation and discard/escape. The post discard/escape hoover is what is occupying you now because it may have happened recently, is ongoing, or you anticipate it happening. The second reason is that the possibility of ongoing interaction with us continues to fascinate you and thus the post discard/escape hoover becomes the focus of much of your attention.
I have explained previously that if the Initial Grand Hoover has taken place and failed (this hoover being caused by your escape) then you will face follow-up hoovers thereafter, of a benign and/or malign nature. Their catalyst is whether you enter our spheres of influence through something you have done (spheres one to five) or the fact you have just entered our mind for some reason (sphere six). If you have entered a sphere of influence, we always consider (though dependent on the nature of your type of narcissist the degree of consideration varies considerably) whether a hoover could be effected. There are certain hurdles which will either prevent that hoover from taking place or reduce the likelihood of it taking place. These hurdles may well raise the bar so it is less likely that the Hoover Execution Criteria are met, meaning it is less likely you will suffer a hoover. Knowing what these factors are and how we regard them is crucial in formulating your defences to maintain No Contact. What, then, are those hurdles?
- Your Whereabouts
If we do not know where to find you so that we can appear face to face and look to garner some excellent Proximate Fuel by turning up at your home, your work or somewhere else you frequent this naturally poses a considerable problem to us. A Greater Narcissist will apply some effort to ascertaining your whereabouts, a Lesser is unlikely to do much at all. Accordingly, as part of building your defences the necessity of changing where you can be physically found not only pays dividends in commencing No Contact but affecting the likelihood of a later hoover.
- Your Accessibility
In a similar vein we need to be able to contact you. If we do not have a physical place to either attend, drive past, leave a note or send a gift, then we will look to access you through electronic means. If we know your telephone number, we are far more likely to hoover or if we have a means of contacting you through an app or on social media. If you have effected a media blackout and managed to sustain it, the prospects of a hoover happening are vastly reduced.
- Gullibility of Friends and Family
We may have a lieutenant in your ranks already. If so, the prospects of being hoovered are increased as we will have them lined-up to leak to us where we can find you and how we can contact you. Even if there is no lieutenant, if there is the prospect for a hoover we (or one of our lieutenants) will approach people in your camp to gather this information. It is often done under a separate auspice – there may be an emergency, some post has arrived we need to pass on, there is something confidential to relay to you – and if your family and friends are trusted with contact information their susceptibility to releasing this information is important. Bear in mind several months may have passed and if a lieutenant approaches your parents or a friend, they may not be alert to the danger. If those who might have your contact information remain impregnable then the hoover prospects are diminished.
- Happy and Contented
If you are demonstrating (to the outside world at least) that you are happy and contented, then this will affect the hoover prospects. Generally speaking we expect you to still be pining for us and miserable. This is regarded as a condition which is fertile ground for a successful hoover. If we are aware that you are moving forward, you rarely mention us, you appear generally happy and content then the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind will be less likely to attempt a hoover. This is because they may be easily rebuffed and even though you may do so in a pleasant way, the fuel gained will be minimal. You should be aware however that a Greater will regard you as a prospect to break and therefore will not be dissuaded by seeing you happy and content alone.
- A New Interest
If you happen to have moved on to somebody new, which of course is dependent on the passage of time and other factors, then again a Lesser or a Mid-Range is less likely to hoover. The prospect of being rebuffed and thus wounded through criticism will prove too great a risk to them. They will feel criticised already by knowing you are with someone new when you should be holding a torch and pining for them and they are likely to regard the hoover as too risky, with the prospect for no fuel and further wounding. This will not apply to the Greater Narcissist. We are more likely to apply a malign follow-up hoover and lash out at you and your new partner to get a double fuel strike.
- Your Fuel Potential
You will have been an excellent source of fuel at some point, that is why you were chosen and ensnared, but that changed. The reason hoover fuel is so potent is that you will have recovered to some extent from what has happened to you, you will want to see us or be relieved that we have come back for you (not always but often) and most of all the fact that we have abused you and yet we can still entice you either to start the Formal Relationship again or even to provide fuel shows how powerful we are and thus adds to the potency of the fuel. If you are a super empath or a co-dependent you will be a prime prospect for hoovering. However, if we regard you as still badly crippled by what we did to you so that you have been in effect numbed so that your emotional output is muted or deadened, this will affect whether a hoover will take place. In such circumstances a proxy hoover may take place so a lieutenant can scope you out. Or you may (if circumstances allow) receive a paving the way message which is not a hoover in itself but rather a way of seeing how the land lies to then decide whether a hoover attempt should be made.
- Your Knowledge
If we are aware that you know what we are or have information which could be damaging to us in the form of amounting to a serious criticism this will lessen the likelihood of a hoover. Whilst a Lesser has no awareness of what he or she is, if you do know and you keep making mention of it and adapting your behaviour accordingly, he or she will at least sense there is little fuel to be gained and/or the risk of criticism. Similarly, a Mid-Range will realise that there is something “off” with the situation and think very carefully before being exposed to less fuel and/or criticism. The Greater is not concerned by your knowledge of what he is. He will deny it and look to manipulate the situation to his advantage to draw further fuel, but he will be concerned by anything that could cause criticism.
- The Façade
This carefully constructed and maintained device which we use to repeated effect against you is important. Not only do we use it against you but it will be used against other victims and those who help create the façade provide us with fuel. We do not want this to be damaged or fractured in anyway. If we ascertain that there is a risk of this happening if we hoover you (for instance you have damning evidence of our behaviour which could be circulated if we engage with you) then we will not want the façade damaged by such exposure and accordingly the prospect of a hoover happening will be diminished.
- Energy levels
If you enter our sphere of influence when energy levels are lower as a consequence of lower fuel provision, then the hoover may be regarded as not worth the effort. If, however there is easy accessibility and the prospective fuel gain is considered to be significant then even low energy levels would not be a dissuading factor but if there are other factors as above in place which would prove difficult then when we have low energy levels this makes us less inclined to want to perform the hoover. This situation may arise where we are still embedding a new primary source after your escape or we may not have one yet and we are reliant on fuel from secondary sources. If the hoover is perceived as having hurdles and energy levels are low, even though you may have entered a sphere of influence, we may look elsewhere for fuel and not engage in a hoover.
- The Type of Narcissist
The particular type we are has a bearing also. The Lesser will be looking for easy gains, low-hanging fruit and immediate results. The immediacy is important. Lacking the calculation of the Mid-Range and Greater, he will be inclined to hoover if you are in near reach even if there are other hoovers because he is unable to control his thirst for hoover fuel. He will however risk being rebuffed and this will in turn ignite his fury causing him to lash out at you with potential repercussions. If the Lesser does not see an immediate opportunity he will move on. He is akin to an opportunist burglar. The Mid-Range will put a little more effort and planning in but will be cautious in his approach, mindful of the potential repercussions and therefore a few hurdles will put him off. He may apply a little effort to consideration but it does not take too much to cause him to move on. The Greater will need considerable hurdles to prevent a hoover happening when a sphere of influence has been penetrated. If he knows there is very potent hoover fuel he will apply considerable effort, like a well-planned heist, to get those jewels.
These factors need to be taken in consideration with one another to determine the likelihood or not of a hoover happening once the sphere of influence has been penetrated.
52 thoughts on “Raising the Hoover Bar”
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Does anybody know of a good call and text blocking app? Does anybody have an issue with blocking on prepaid phones?
I have a good deal – $34 a month for unlimited minutes and texts and a decent amount of data (plus, wifi saves data usage). BUT, to block this narcissist, Apparently, I have to switch to a postpaid/contract plan which is double (or more) the cost a month. Soooo to block him, I have to pay more and I am limited in financial resources right now. Fucking prepaid phones. This is a pain in the ass. I kind of want to sue Verizon for emotional distress due to the inability to effectively block somebody you want to disengage from.
HG, I wonder if you would be good enough to answer one question. But please do not feel obliged due to the personal nature of it.
Does Kim know what your are now that the formal relationship is over and given the new dynamic, is hoovering her definitely off the agenda.
Thanks for your time. x
That is two questions A383.
1. She does not know.
2. It is not off the agenda definitely, but it is extremely unlikely. If she is hoovered, it will be malign.
Who is Kim and where can I read about her?
Who indeed.
The former IPPS. IN the Asylum of the Grotesque which has not been published yet.
HG
Did you hold off on completing Asylum of the Grotesque because you knew there was yet to be another addition, or was it merely due to other matters?
As ever, the fact that Madame Time outstrode me.
HG, are Kim and The Shieldmaiden physically similar? Blonde, tall, just like Shieldmaiden appears to be in your IG photos? Are they the same type?
I went no contact 20 days ago with my long-distance fiance, whom I now know is a narcissist of the lesser variety. I am empathetic by nature, but I have a very strong and confident personality. 20 days of not hearing from me is a lot and it’s out of his realm of his understanding when it comes to me. I can’t stay in relationships where I don’t feel genuine love. As a result, No Contact has been easy. I was sure he wouldn’t possibly hoover me because it would be useless. Last night, out of no where, he sent a song to me via text message about being a better man and spending his life with me. He didn’t say anything, but let the words of a song speak for him. It appeared cowardly to me but would you classify it as a hoover?
For sure
JB
You got a direct hoover in the fifth sphere of influence (text). Hoovers are primarily done for fuel but it looks like he may want to resurrect the formal relationship. Ignore the text and block him. By asserting control, you will starve him of fuel.
Most definitely. And trust your gut on the cowardly thing. Ex Covert N was big on this tactic because he didn’t want to make the effort to try or knew it’d come off wrong and I’d ask what was up with the emotional depth of a teaspoon thing again so music was just so much easier. They like to plant these seeds in life you see bc it keeps us busy trying to figure out what most people would back up with words or actions, so we are both giving supply and temporarily predictable. But nothing at all or at least nothing sustainable will come of this.
Also it screams of emotional immaturity and unavailability… Sending a song, really?? As your fiance who hasn’t heard from you in 20 days?!… Aww shucks are we 13 yrs old again? How boyishly cute, please excuse me while I vomit and know that the chance of ever getting me wet with such a mediocre move is about as likely as meme bei struck by lightning which is actually the more preferred of the two. At least the lightening would have made some genuine fful throttled effort into it all, however transient it may be.
Btw the fact that he could get this song to you means you haven’t yet gone no contact. You might not be actively engaging with him but it sounds like you’re still engaged and either way, you voluntarily left the front and/or back doors ofc contact wide open for these little games to be played with you. Make a choice to stay at the circus or leave, and give it 200%. Live the rest of your life confidently and don’t look back. Like lightening lol
HG
The narc has been warned by Police to stay away from my and not to contact me in any way. He is relentlessly reaching out to family members. Do you believe ignoring this is the best thing to make him go away, or should charging him with criminal harassment scare him off for good?
I would be able to provide more accurate information through a consultation as this would enable me to get more information from you. I would need to ascertain the type of narcissist he is, what it is that he is actually doing, where that would fit with successfully obtaining a conviction against him, how you and the family members feel about this behaviour, where he is in relation to you physically etc.
H.G. – You’re a genius. I went supernova on my ex spouse. Now im getting the pity play from her and a small malign hoover within the same text. I recognized the manuvering from what you explained would happen. Im giving her nothing but the sound of crickets. Shes imploding with all the wrong stuff shes done. Everything she did to herself is spiraling like a blackhole. The CBS (crying baby syndrome) isn’t working. I feel nothing but relief. Hats off to you.
Thank you EC.
H G I have been wanting to sit in on your live q&a I was on vacation on the 16th I did listen to it driving back home and I wrote down a bunch of questions I want to ask. So when will you be doing another one and how will I know when you will be? I have subscribed but never check email I don’t want to miss it. So any ideas when and what time Ect. I’m in the states too so huge time difference right?
Hello KJ, thank you for listening. There will be another one in September. If you have a lot of questions, you will find a private consultation of considerable use.
My questions usually arise from things you say during your q&a. I am mostly wanting to know the difference between borderline and narc. My ex who is still very much in my life because of our daughter. He I believe is a mid range but after your q&a now I wonder if he borderline. And really how could you ever tell cause if he a narc it could be an act
After 8 months post discard Im being lovebombed like in the beginning…. all because he needs to use my house as accommodation when his fam come on holiday in dec. Im playing along but I will discard him before dec.
“The Mid-Range will put a little more effort and planning in but will be cautious in his approach, mindful of the potential repercussions and therefore a few hurdles will put him off. He may apply a little effort to consideration but it does not take too much to cause him to move on.”
HG follow up from Q&A on YouTube … I might actually get it now 🙂 perhaps I am too much effort in his eyes because I only look at actions vs words/sob stories now, but would love your insight as always
Initially I was open to making amends 3 months post-separation, but after a few hrs I gathered my senses and realised it was just because I had put so much into it before I wanted to make believe it wasn’t for nothing, eg. Was all about me/my hopes vs the reality I knew was the case from before. I questioned him twice and after two wks he’s vanished into thin air, but not without making it sting first.
Was this a revenge/malign hoover all along? Or was I just too much effort to keep it up so was discarded without warning to ease his ego after I’d escaped three months ago?
Thanks in advance
Hi HG……I discarded present Narcissist by threatening legal action for hoovering/stalking all in a very immature way. I thought he was a greater but never mind what category he was ….he has finally gone very quiet now ….after 3 years experience of his silly shit & all of the usual trait’s , much relief. . !!
I have had 2 previous NPD’s much worse and for longer period of time 23 years !! …one a very high profile clever man who continues to manipulate his possy of individuals. (he has lost his own son & me …… another son is still in his zone ).
I feel I have beaten all three Narcs…with NC totally & no way to access me wotsoever or I will take legal action.
This has made me stronger …As time goes on you become aware and immune to these people.
I don’t feel a winner…more so I feel sad that these individuals cannot feel what I can, love, happiness, sadness which is life !!!.
We split up over a yr and a half ago I thought I was stronger and was right about there, I quit thinking about him Ect. Then he moved into his own place for 1st time and he got lonely and depressed not liking living alone that’s when it started. He wanted me to hang out with him and my daughter when I took her to see him. I started spending the night we started having sex and he got to play family for the weekend then send us on our way. However then he started telling me he loved me and that’s when I tripped out and called him on his bs of a lie. So now it’s back to him refusing to have sex with me and him being a dick again. My punishment for calling him out! At least I know he hasn’t changed a bit.
When you have sex with him all your defences that you have built up so far is broken down and you need to start over. When you allow him in your bed you also allow him in your head.
Yep but it’s being around him period doesn’t matter even seeing him does it but we have a daughter I have no choice and it’s important to me and my daughter that we get along and we can very easily. We had split up for yr and half and we got back together then I broke up w him again couldn’t stand him then I found out I was pregnant and we got back together and I treated him like shit cuz resentment but I changed my attitude and then that’s when it all changed he knew I was trapped and he gained control when before I kind of had it more so and it got worse and worse I’m stuck and have issues w our break up for one I didn’t want it and for 2 keeping family together was so important to me. I never wanted to be single mom and financially it’s to hard it’s unfair to my daughter. But he offered to get a bigger apt. So we can move in but FUCK THAT NO WAY
Right now I’m debating moving to Florida with my mom I think that’s only way I will ever be free but don’t want to take my daughter from her dad. It sucks the only other thing that would work is meeting another guy but I don’t want that either and I’m so picky I just don’t see that happening it sucks. My life is such a mess right now I just want to be free of this complete mess I have made of my life!!!
See you there!
So are you saying your going to florida
Its hard to be in your situation. I hope it all works out for you
It will always work out
HI. Knowledgejourney. No kids together.I was threatened into an abortion otherwise I would be discarded. I then got devalued because I actually did it… and then discarded anyway. I can imagine the hell one must go through when kids are involved because then they have you exactly where they want you and can basically breeze in and out of your life when and how they want to. The pregnancy happened while I was on birth control so I don’t know what the hell happened there. We were together for about 6 months. I know it sounds short but even so it was intense and impacted me greatly. I can’t begin to imagine how devastating a break up with a narc must be after spending years with them.
In a twisted way I still am envious of you who are being hoovered constantly. A part of me wants to have him back and another part of me want to be hoovered so I can have the pleasure of rejecting him.
I was on vacation I understand where u are coming from I wait for it myself. We had started spending weekends together again having sex then he told me he loved me I flipped out so he cut off the sex so I got pissed again left on my trip pissed off told him u just wait cuz u will want sex again and u are not going to get it I told him. Well I just got back went to his place on Fri he grabbed my ass and my boob so I knew he was going to want have sex and I wanted to say no but of course I didn’t . I’ve been sad coming back her away from my family and had to put my dog down so told him didn’t want to be alone this weekend but I’m already back in discarded phase since he got what he wanted I’m so sick of it I feel like such a fool and I am such a fucking fool it’s ridiculous!!
Kt, I was only hoovered because he was depressed about living alone. Before that I too was only hoovered for favors. But since I called his bs when he started saying I love u I am being discarded. He was telling me he doesn’t talk to any other girls or have sex w them like I’m an idiot. Does he not think I can’t get into his phone seriously to see it for the lie it is? Just last week he told this girl she could move in w him! Wonder what he would have done about us if she had. I had small hope that maybe this time since he is doing the 12 step program he has but nope he just better at acting like he changed. But I knew the consequences for calling him out I did it for my own well being even though I didn’t really want it (the sweetness and sex) to end I had to and of course now I’m mad about him ending it and hurt all over again. It’s stupid I obviously like feeling like shit. Like HG says it’s an addiction! I just quit smoking and it’s hard as hell but can I break the addiction to him? I can’t see it happening😢
I havent had a hoover in about a month so i am expecting one soon!
Did you get your hoover yet? Im waiting for mine now for 2.5 months. Driving myself crazy
Yep of course sucked right up back in I don’t know what my problem is so stupid y I can just let this one go and have zero feelings for him god
Same here
I don’t understand it! I don’t understand y I haven’t had enough of his crap after everything he has done! Will this ever stop? Will I ever not get sucked in? We have a child together so I don’t have the option either!!!
It will but you have to be the one who stops it.
Why am I not being hoovered like knowledgejourney? I just get hoovered for a favor and then discarded again. Even during devaluation of his previous IPPS I was nof hoovered to come back but only for favours
He identifies seeing you as someone to extract fuel from and residual benefits on an ad hoc basis applicable to the trigger and criteria rather than the establishment of the Formal Relationship again. Possibly he regards you as difficult to control, possibly wary of non-compliance over a longer period of time or he has a better ongoing option.
I think you are right because I have been told many times that I do what I want and that I am stubborn. Is there a way of changing his view or perception of me?
There is but keep in mind that his perception will alter to what suits him even if your behaviour is consistent. Hence when you cooked something last week he was pleased and this week it annoys him. You are consistent but he is not.
I feel that I am getting stronger. I think about him less and less. Some days are still difficult like today. Today I am hoping for a hoover, tomorrow i feel fuck him, then I miss him, then I hate him. The rollercoaster carries on even after discard. I think the rollercoaster after discard is even worse. I hope this is a case where it gets bad first and then better. I have been discarded dec already so I am in a much better space. Back then I was a mess. I wish I can just hate him for real now
I feel same way! I really want to hate him. How long were u with your narc? Do u have kids with him?
KT, be careful what you wish for. Once you get to the stage of hating him, that can be just as obsessive and misery-making as wanting him back. What we should all hope for is not to care at all anymore.
Wise words. Remember – love me, hate me, but never ignore me.
You are fantastic, HG.
The perspective this article gave …
The insight you shared …
You answered questions I didn’t even know I had.
This is brilliant, thank you.
HG said person is using another person to send messages periodically now, messages I know they are not behind (he has access to there account) they have very basic computer skills, he knows I care for this person as if she was my own mother, it hurt to cut ties with her, I have kept things, impersonal, to the point and with almost no emotion will this cause him to stop.
Ultimately it will reduce the risk considerably.
Oh, love that picture…
My walls will be so high that even a certain new president will be jealous of it 😛
Thanks for the wisdom, HG.
It’s like portecting our souls from cat burglars who have varying levels of skill sets and levels of motivations, or from psychic/spiritual vampires. What’s sad is that for the energy we give out, including money, marriage, children, fidelity, etc, in the end, we will still be left. It’s quite fascinating. Ty for the article. 🙂